When to Stop Doing 'The Right Thing"?

I'm with everyone who has suggested you will be doing enough of "the right thing" by attending the Sat night picnic and the Sunday AM mass. I think you should be able to skip the potluck w/out feeling guilty about it.

You're expecting? My answer would be - We're so happy to be able to visit with everyone over Easter weekend,, but we'll be leaving right after the baptism on Sunday because I'll need to rest after that long trip and all the festivities. You don't need to make any kind of excuse.

It would be fine to decline the potluck and leave immediately after the service. It would also be fine to do an egg hut at the picnic or the potluck.

I would just say 'we have an Easter egg hunt and dinner plans at home so we are going to be leaving directly after mass. I'm sure you understand.'

You are going to the baptism because it is 'the right thing' and that is enough. Skipping a pot luck isn't 'wrong.'

LOL... When its not the right thing!

And... As a hint: If you have to justify or rationalize something... Its almost never "the right thing".

Just because he wants you there doesn't make it a moral imperative.

You're driving 4 hours with a small child, attending a picnic, Staying overnight, attending the baptism (and probably their Easter services)...

... Then driving home, with your small child, in order to have dinner/ some family Easter events/ bedtime.

I don't see how cramming in a potluck/ driving at night/ being exhausted/ sacrificing all your family traditions is seen as "better". You're loved & wanted, which is awesome, but that doesn't make you obligated.

If I'm reading this right, you don't want to go to an event after the service because you want some special Easter time with your own child too. That's also doing the right thing. Ethically, morally, you have a legitimate "out." If you feel bad about blowing people off, could you, say, contribute a dish to the potluck and maybe write a nice note to the hostess, so you've got your etiquette covered? People do NOT do enough of that in this day and age (nice, handwritten notes), so taking the time to write one gets you far.

This also sounds like it might be one of those things that seem like a huge deal at the time, but afterwards, it's no big deal either way. I don't mean this judgmentally -- my whole entire morning (and evening last night) was devoted to a "huge-deal-at-the-time" issue, but you might try stepping back and looking for a broader perspective.

I would read up on boundaries. It's OK for people to invite you but it's OK for you to decline too.

I would not schedule a baptism for Easter weekend, but that's me. Maybe most of the family lives in town and they all get together anyway.

The "right thing" for your dad may differ from the "right thing" for you and your family, and that's OK.

I would probably leave immediately after the service, unless it's fun for you child to stay.

Good luck.

I have read your answers yet, so forgive me if I am repeating.

The point where you start resenting family is the point you need to step back two steps. If you can arrive and leave having a warm place in your heart for your family, then that's just right. I you do more than you are comfortable doing, time or money or work wise, then that's too much. That point is different for everyone but you know it when you hit it.

Stop resenting and do what you are able to do instead of complaining.

It's 3 -4 hours away, so that means you don't go every weekend, right? I don't know how often you go, but if you don't spend every Easter and holiday there, then I think your dad has a point. Now, that being said, if the parents of your niece and nephew couldn't be bothered to drive to YOUR children's baptisms/christenings, then that's different. I do think that your point of not caring for potlucks shouldn't factor in here. Getting home earlier after the drive is something that should be factored in.

If it is just the potluck you are skipping then I don't think that is a big problem. Just tell your family goodbye politely and make a graceful exit after the baptism. However, please don't ruin this important event for your family by acting like a martyr and letting everyone know how unhappy you are to be there and what a sacrifice you are making for them. Sorry, you may not be like that at all, but that is kind of the impression I am getting from your post.

You and your husband and kids are "family" too, and frankly, my household family trumps extended family in order of priority. You don't need to explain or excuse yourself. Just be matter-of-fact that you're returning home after Sunday service.

Kindly point out to your father he is correct and that is why you have plans with 'your family' and that 'is the right thing'. Give him a hug and enjoy your plans with your family. I assure you, everybody will be fine.

This is one of those posts where I wonder what's really behind the specific question. Do you have some issues with your family that are bigger than this one event? Some reason you prefer to limit time with them?

Yes, you are doing enough to go to the picnic and mass then leave. You'll be tired out and have a drive ahead of you, so it's fine. But...if your family is 3-4 hours away, I think maybe your dad is figuring the potluck is another chance to see family and for family to see you. You're pregnant, and once the baby comes you won't be making that trip for quite a while, I'd guess. You could cut dad a little slack in terms of giving the family another two hours. He may be thinking this is the last time he'll see you in a while, just because of circumstances.

I do think it's fine if you leave when you want; I'm just questioning whether there are other issues behind it that make this more than a simple "They want me to stay longer, I want to go" issue.

OK, you are going to the picnic and baptism...that sounds like enough "family time" and doing the right thing to me and it's ok to do things for yourself and own family w/out feeling guilty. So, stick to your original plan, head home after service and enjoy your family!

If it were me, I can honestly say, I don't know if I'd even do as much as you are, being that it is a holiday! It's tough, but when making others happy, you shouldn't be making yourself UN-happy! Compromise. I think you already figured that out though! So, feel good about it and no guilt!

The baptism and associated festivities are one weekend out of your life. One.
The Easter Bunny can deliver your littlun's basket to wherever you are.

I think that you are doing plenty with the family for that weekend if you'll be joining them for Saturday and Sunday morning. You've gotta maintain a balance.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to attend the picnic Saturday evening, the Baptism on Sunday and then head home. You have a long drive ahead of you. You do not need to justify your plans. Just let them know that you will be heading home after Mass. I would have the car packed and literally get on the road after church!

I would tell your father yes, we do things because they are family, as in, we have a child and our OWN FAMILY traditions now.
You are spending plenty of time with the extended, including the most important part (the baptism and Easter mass) so don't feel guilty about skipping the potluck!

I don't think this is about doing the right/wrong thing...it's not a moral dilemma!! You are going out of your way to attend the service and the picnic before hand...you are not obligated in any way to attend a pot luck, nor is it the right or wrong thing to do.

However, the RIGHT thing to do is to make sure you are celebrating Easter in your own way, with your own family, and keeping in mind what Easter is actually about. Preserve what YOU want from Easter, and you'll have done the right thing.

Well your niece and nephew will only have one baptism. The Easter bunny can show up anywhere, it's like Santa-he always knows where you are.

Unless this is something that happens every single Easter year after year. I'm not really seeing the issue. My DD shares Easter this year with her birthday, so we will be doing both.

As for potluck, what's the issue? Bring a side dish and enjoy. I'm not getting what that has to do with anything. It really does seem like you are trying to pick it apart, and that make excuse as to why you shouldn't/can't do it.

If it makes you feel any better, my sister-in-law and her family live in Italy. When their son was baptized, my husband and I had to fly TO ITALY for it. Okay, spring in Italy is nice... fun vacation, right? WRONG. There, it's tradition to hold a huge banquet after the baptism, and then every day after that, you have to come back and continue to eat the leftovers until the leftovers are done. The main course was some weird meat dish that involved entire boiled eggs embedded into the meat, and the whole thing sliced up... to this day, whatever that is, I can't eat it, after having been made to eat if for 5 days straight. Oh, and because of this tradition, my husband and I couldn't go anywhere or do anything (not that we could have, anyway, because the whole country shuts down for Easter week)... just hang out at my sister-in-law's house with a crapload of Italian relatives, none of whom speak English (and my husband and I don't speak Italian). Bottom line, I drank a LOT of grappa that week. Worst vacation ever.

So yeah, I hear you on the familial obligations that suck. At least yours is only a weekend. Bring the Easter basket with you, or ask your in-laws to put one together. I can't fathom why your sister-in-law scheduled the baptisms for Easter, but people do tend to do that. At least it's just a few days, and next year you will have an infant and therefore will have a great excuse not to travel for any of the holidays! :)

So really, the only one giving you grief is your father.

"Dad, I know you'd like us to spend the entire time there for the baptism and Easter.... Yes, I know you think it's the right thing to do. Here's the thing, Dad. Traveling four hours each way while nearly 7 months pregnant isn't easy for me, and the days are going to be long. It's the last holiday we have before the baby comes and it's very important to us that Child is home Easter morning. I understand that you're disappointed, but this is important to us and this is the last I plan to discuss it."

Sometimes I weigh it as "what is the long term good from this?" For example, this is a once in a life (usually) event, so I would put it up higher on the priority list. I would tell your father that you are willing to do x and y and but you also have to think of your own kids and what's also right for them. They are your family, too. For example, my SD asked us to hold off on DD's first Christmas so she could be there. I wasn't being unkind when I said no. DD deserved Christmas on Christmas, too. There has to be a balance. So for the pot luck, tell your BIL/SIL that you have a 4 hour drive home and are unable to stay but appreciate being a part of the other events. I live about 3 hours from my cousins and I don't always stay til the bitter end b/c if I don't leave til 7PM (example), we're not home til 10 or later. That's a long night, and I bet you and/or DH have to work Monday, right? You can only do what you can do. I would leave after the service and not worry about it.

You are 100% right in your thoughts of leaving after the Sunday Easter Service. YOU have a 3-4 hour drive home WITH a small child who has had to be "on" for a couple days. YOU and your family deserve to get back home, and unwind before the work week begins again. Your commitment to another activity that day is a ridiculous expectation by your father. When does his and the rest of your family's needs come before your own? They don't. You've made an awesome gesture of support by coming for the baptism and Easter itself! Let them know ahead that you have to get back on the road after the service. Then that day, quietly say goodbye to all and be on your way - with NO GUILT! You deserve your time too.

Family is a wonderful thing, but damn they can be all crazy sometimes. :)

As others have said, you have done the "right thing" with family, and now it is time to honor your own family and "do the right thing" by upholding the new traditions you have started.

You will have spent plenty of time with the extended family, and now it is time to do your own traditions with YOUR family, because it is the "right thing" to do.....

My sister just had her daughter baptized this past weekend, and the party after was over an hour away, closer to her husbands family. Some of the family went and some did not because they just didn't want to make the drive.

Everyone does what is best for them and if you go to the Saturday picnic then the Sunday service that is certainly adequate, I think. They should expect some people to not be as available if they have chosen Easter weekend to do this. Certainly, they don't expect everyone to drop their own holiday plans for them?

I think your plan is perfectly reasonable. You are attending 2/3 of the events planned. No need to spend another 2 or 3 hours at a potluck (which you would have to swing through somewhere b/c you can't bring something homemade) and then ANOTHER 4 hours to drive home after a LONG church morning.

Seriously. Your father is correct in the "big picture" sense, but he's wrong in asking you to extend yourselves beyond what is reasonable.

Family is important to me. I would definitely go to the potluck dinner. You do not have to stay long. Eat something, visit with everyone and be on your way. Easter is a day in the calendar. If need be, celebrate the next day or the next Sunday. Or celebrate the Greek Easter. Do not think your child would mind. Due to grand kids and many families, we sometimes have to celebrate a holiday (Christmas) on a different day. Everyone survives. IMO by running out, you are teaching your child family does not matter. It's the only family.

In our family the "lunch" after the baptism would be a priority. If u compared it to a wedding it would be the reception. A meal together and time to enoy the guest of honor.
If you need to leave I bet the could except it. But when u add details like not caring for potlucks or sorry--but the resentful tone of possibly forgoing your own traditions ( I didn't check but are your kids that old or unflexible to not get that special circumstances occur??)
I think if u had said you have issue w the family or even jsu that u are pregnant you would get a diff reaction on here

I can see where you dad is coming from but you as well. We went to a wedding that was the day before Easter and out in the middle of nowhere so we had to spend the night there. We just brought the kids Easter baskets and stuff with us and had them hunt eggs and everything there. But if you absulutly don't want to say just let them know that after mass you need to head home. If you are pregnant you probalby need to have time to rest on the weekend as well. Let them know with that drive you feel it's best that you leave right after. That the potluck would put you getting home hours later. Or let them know you already have plans for the evening. Good luck.

Share with them that you are in need of some R&R on Sunday afternoon and will be going home after the Baptismal Service on Sunday. If you have it in you whip up your best offering for a pot luck and send it along with your regards and go home. Sometimes the "right thing to do" is based on perspective. Staying is the right thing to do from your father's perspective and going home is the right thing to do from your family's (husb, child, yours) perspective. Put your family first this time.

Short answer--Never.

The "right" thing is not the same for everyone, and you have to decide for yourself what it is. Then, you act on it. That's what integrity is. If everybody else's "right thing"--based on histories and relationships and blind following--does not work for you, then you should not do it.

You should weigh the outcomes and determine what it's worth to you. And then act on it.

Only do what you want. Sounds like you're doing enough as it is.
No need for it to be a 2 day marathon.

Also, still keep your Easter basket tradition by taking it with you. Hidden
of course, and keep the baskets smaller in size w/o the huge handle so it
is easier to transport. (You could keep the baskets at home to find upon arrival but I wouldn't make them wait that long.). Safe travels.

I know I am late in responding but I just wanted to offer the following advice: split the difference. Yes, sometimes you have to do things "for family" or b/c they are the "right thing to do" but you also have to do what's right for you! It's a balancing act for sure. If it were me, I would look into alternative things to do Saturday night and skip the picnic with the people you aren't overjoyed at seeing. Find an Easter egg hunt that is going on where you will be or sight see @ something nearby or plan your own little Easter celebration for your kiddo - take her to a park and hide Easter eggs, give her her Easter basket early, go out to eat - whatever will make you (and DD and DH) happy! If anyone says anything, explain politely and calmly that while you were more than happy to come celebrate the baptism of your niece and nephew, you didn't want to forego your plans for your daughter to have a traditional Easter so you backed up your plans for her 1 day in order to accomodate both and, unfortunately, that meant having to miss the picnic. On Sunday I would go to the church/baptism and leave immediately after, skipping the potluck. You said you are pregnant - tell people you are tired and need to get home to rest or that you aren't feeling 100% and the thought of that much food is too much. Good luck.

Hi s.Mom:

The issue is: Your Dad likes to control "family time."
This will always be your dad's response to every family
event he is a part of.

As someone already stated, you need to balance the family thing with
your own personal wishes for your husband and children.

Decide with your personal family what they would like to do and then
come up with a plan that suits your persona family.

Talk with your Dad and find out his desires and explain yours.
Good luck.
D.

Updated

Hi s.Mom:

The issue is: Your Dad likes to control "family time."
This will always be your dad's response to every family
event he is a part of.

As someone already stated, you need to balance the family thing with
your own personal wishes for your husband and children.

Decide with your personal family what they would like to do and then
come up with a plan that suits your persona family.

Talk with your Dad and find out his desires and explain yours.
Good luck.
D.