Irritated with Holidays Since I Had kids.and It's Not the Kids' Faults

Here's your answer:

"Mom/MIL/Gran, since it seems that we can't please everyone, we've decided that we're going to stay home this weekend and celebrate Easter. We'll be doing our egg hunt in the back yard after we get home from church and then enjoy Easter dinner. Please let us know when/if you'd like to stop by and join us for dinner so we know how much ham we need. It's totally up to you whether or not you decide to join us...we'd love to have EVERYONE and are tired of being accused of playing favorites."

We stopped traveling around to other places for holidays. Now that you have an established family, it's time for them to all come to you. I tell all my family, my doors are open for the holidays. If you want to spend them with us, you're welcome to come over.

They take me up on that various years for various occasions but for the most part, we have a relaxing, wonderfully stress free Holiday with just our immediate family. And I'll never ever ever go back to packing up the family and running around trying to give everyone THEIR face time.

If they want face time, they know where our faces will be. And my foot is down.

Just make your own holiday plans at your own home and everyone else can revolve around that for awhile.
Just when everyone begins to expect a holiday routine, drop a bomb and take off for Disney World or a cruise or some other nice travel plans.
If what 'always' happens at holidays is no longer fun, then don't do it anymore and do something else.
Holidays are what you make them and they shouldn't have to be that complicated.
Once you have kids, it's time to set some of your own traditions.
Your parents did at some point and now it's your turn.

You have to do what's best for you, your husband, and children. If the rest of your "adult" family can't handle your decisions then that's their problem, not yours. Seems as though you've tried to compromise but others aren't willing to bend. If you want to stay at home for holidays then do it... without guilt or reservation. If those who are invited refuse to attend then they can only blame themselves. Life is too short to live for other people, especially when you really will never be able to please everyone. (This is coming from a reformed chronic people pleaser and someone who can sometimes be ruled by guilt, so I know what you're going through!) HAPPY Easter!!

I think you have the right idea. From now on, do the holidays at your house. Invite them all - like an all day open house and if they come, they come. If they choose not to, that's fine too.

Ditto Suz T.

You're a grown woman and a mom. Time to outgrow guilt trips and take charge!

Good for you for claiming Thanksgiving! You keep standing your ground like that - and pretty soon people will respect your boundaries.

Good luck - I've been there. :)

Well, I am sorry I can't send you a flower, because I can tell you need one. You are absolutely right. This should not be that difficult, but unfortunately it often turns out this way.

I totally feel you. Only it's just my side of the family...particularly my mother. She says I play favorites to my dad. Says "you always take his side, and I did all the work!"...

The week of our wedding (7 years ago) when she pulled her HUGE stunt and told me that if my dad didn't come to the rehearsal dinner with his share of the wedding payment she would block him from the wedding. I had it I blew up...27 years of her playing the victim mom role.

I said..."Tomorrow morning I'm going to the bank to take a loan out, you will not have to worry about the rest of the money. You can come to the wedding or you cannot but my dad is going to be there and you will NOT ruin this for me. From now on if you cannot zip it and put your feelings aside then don't bother showing up"...

That was Sept and by May when my daughter was born she back to her old tricks. I said to all my family "The new rule is that there will be no more separation of activities...we will not have multiple birthday parties, mulitple holiday parties...everyone is invited and it's up to you to join. If you do join in then the drama is left at the door, if you feel that you cannot do this do not show up"....

Harsh...yes but they all have and will continue to do show up. Sometimes we have to parent our extended families...

ohhhh, baby. i so hear you. there were a very brief few years when we first had kids that i struggled with this, and then i put my big ol' size 10 firmly but lovingly DOWN.
let them all know in no uncertain terms that the holiday will be spent at your home, with just you and your dh and kids, no discussion. really. if there's going to be a tug of war, you're better off bowing out altogether.
plan away to get together for easter and christmas or whatever on nearby weekends. grandparents will happily do an egg hunt a week or two or three outside the actual holiday. and really let them have the day, plan to spend some good time with them and have a blast.
but do NOT let family guilt trip and drag you around and stress out your own family time.
we have a big place now so i generally offer to host, the same thing you do now. it's here, come if you like, no problem if you don't, but don't expect us to come to you. when we were in a smaller place, that wasn't an option, so we just planned to see family at times convenient to us close to the various holidays.
do not let yourself get dragged around. you're creating memories for your kids, and that can't happen if you're rushed and resentful.
khairete
S.

It's time to start your own traditions. You now have your own family and do you want your children doing the same thing(s) you did when you were an adult?

Choose the holidays you want to go see the family and stay home the rest of the year. If you really enjoy decorating your home for Christmas than do it and have them come to you.

Life is too short for all of this he/said she/said for the parents. The parents have to learn to let go as well.

I would love to spend more time with my son who is married but I have to drive 6 hours to get there. I am not going to go Christmas morning to spend the evening and turn around and come home. We had a huge blow up about this a few years ago. I told my son I would see him when I see him. If he has children, he could send me pictures becuase I wasn't going to get into a tug of war with the wife and her ideas (long story). In fact I was going to start a new tradition and go to the islands for Christmas and stay at a hotel and anyone who wanted to see me could join me there. That hasn't happened yet but I am working on it. Last year they spent Christmas with us. This year we'll see. Son was in a bad auto accident and had both legs broken and is not able to walk yet.

But do stand your ground and stop trying to please people and become a trained seal. Be your own family.

Happy Easter and the rest of the holidays.

The other S.

It does reach a point where it just is absurd, doesn't it? Thankfully ALL of our family lives elsewhere. Most of them are 5 hours away. But, that can become its own little shop of horrors---they all live within about an hour of each other. So when we go to visit, we have to do the jockeying of who's house we are staying at, which meal we are having with whom, and who has their feelings hurt because we weren't able to squeeze them in too. Fun fun fun!

And yes, it seemed to reach a crescendo around the time our oldest was about 7 and the youngest was about 4. The next year was the year I said NO MORE am I traveling on holidays. We have hosted many things since then (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Memorial Day, etc)... and not everyone has taken us up on the invitations. But, that is their choice. I have no guilt about it whatsoever. And neither should you. You just can't please everybody.

I am the youngest in my family, and my oldest brother had 3 kids before we had our first one. So all the family holiday events on my side have always been sort of worked around to accommodate my brother and his family. Strangely, my parents still managed to defer to my brother's schedule of when they were available, even when WE were traveling from 5 hours away, and my brother was only traveling 30 minutes. And they routinely can't come to our house for holidays because one of my brothers is coming over the afternoon of, so they will come see us the next week or in 3 weeks (after I have taken down the Christmas decorations or whatever). It used to bother me. But I got past that. And you will, too.

Good for you! You will begin enjoying your holidays again, once your family realizes you are serious and stop trying to get you to alter your plans. ;)

LOL I married a Jew to avoid this...

That said, we still go through drama and BS with his family because my husband won't get together with his brother's fiancee, who is my husband's ex-girlfriend, or his aunt, who crossed some giant boundaries with my SD, and now his cousin (aunt's daughter) has inserted herself into the mix so we get together with just my FIL and GMIL on our own schedule. It's all pretty silly.

I do think that these are just growing pains and that the routines will work themselves out. You will need to be more proactive in the future with your MIL, though, and as soon as you have your plans set with your family, have DH call her and say when you free and find out what she would like to do. IMO, CHURCH on a religious holiday outweighs an Easter egg hunt, so I would stick to your guns there. You could have avoided some of this by telling her what your plans were when she asked, but that's a live and learn kind of thing. Try to get ahead if it and plan things a couple of weeks in advance so that you don't end up doing the last-minute exercise of people jockeying for time with your kids.

You can't be everywhere. It is unfair to the girls. My only near family is my ILs and they're really laid back. We do Christmas with them whenever we can get together between Dec. 23 and 31. Then DH and I fit in our family Christmas with the sks and take DD to my aunt's house Christmas day. Easter is with my grandmom. Thanksgiving is here for whoever from both sides wants to come. If someone can't come, then that's OK. Everyone has jobs and families and other in-laws to deal with.

Make it really really clear that you are doing Thanksgiving. I thought I "had" Thanksgiving, being finally married with a home to host people in and my uncle remarried and his bossy wife took it from me. I haven't done a "my side" Thanksgiving since, and you know what though? I don't miss it. We see my side other times of the year.

YOU are the parents. If you don't feel that the egg hunt is worth missing church for (same here, honestly) then tell her no. Easter is one of the big holidays in the church and they shouldn't miss it, especially if you regularly attend. Your MIL should do lunch immediately after church and then the hunt.

If she balks, DH should remind her that she has alllll these times to choose from. Pick one or stop complaining.

Well, I think you need a nap. You do sound tired.

I think it's great that you're going to start hosting a family dinner. You're taking the initiative. We hosted holidays for years, invited everybody, and if we were asked who was coming, we'd say, "We hope YOU are!" and that was that.

At your own house you CAN invite both sides. When one of our grown children hosts a party now, I love that I can see the family members on the other side of the tree - we don't often get to see them, and it's fun.

Just as with any other kind of party, if you all do good planning and keep good attitudes - like "Naturally, you're going to LOVE what we're doing this holiday" - it's likely that everybody will go along. If they want to complain, they can do it after they've left.

People can choose not to come, of course; it won't spoil your joy in the holiday, and they might just find that they missed a good time. It's quite a nice thing to hear, "As a family we fuss a lot - but somehow at [your name]'s house we all have a good time." And that can happen. Go for it!

We are so, so, so lucky that my parents view the holidays as a time to visit family but are very unattached to the actual day. My MIL gets the actual holiday, and my parents get a day close to the actual day. We do the same thing every year.

We are very lucky with the in-laws, as well, becasue even though they always get the actual holiday, they still always ask us if we'll be able to come.

The biggest stress for us is birthday parties. My MIL and BIL work weekends, and my husband and I work a traditional work week. Try scheduling a party that everyone can come to!

I really just do my best to nicely say what we CAN do. If we can't do something, my husband and I decide what we want to tell everyone and then we both give the same response when asked. This past Christmas we chose not to stay the night at my MIL's house. We had lots of reasons, but before we left we came to an agreement about what we were going to say to everyone and we both stuck with it. We're not trying to be secretive, exactly, but we really don't want to hurt feelings. We also try not to make lots of excuses, we just say, "Sorry, but A has speech," or "B has to be at work in the morning," and then we just let it go.

I would do your best to decide with your husband what the two of you would like to do and then just let everyone else know. Be friendly and positive and just do what makes sense for you. I'm sure not everyone will like it, but you can just keep repeating that you're doing the best you can for your family and are looking forward to having a nice holiday.

Well my family lives 4 hours away in my hometown so prior to children we'd flip-flop holidays - visit there on Thanksgiving one year and Christmas the next as well as 4th of July and Easter. We tried doing this even with children but found it is very stressful. So, we now go to my hometown on Thanksgiving and we stay at our house on Christmas and my in-laws come to our house. Christmas Eve is with my father-in-laws side of the family.

I always leave an open invitation to my family that they are more than welcome to come up to our place for Christmas. This started when I was pregnant with my daughter and scheduled for a C-section on Dec. 19th-knowing I wouldn't be traveling at all for the holidays it was said during pregnancy that my parents and sister would come up for the birth and stay for Christmas....well, on the 23rd they went home.......Anyway - I leave it open for them if they ever do decide to have Christmas with us.

My advice - figure out what you as an immediate family want to do and then work the family in around that. My thought is always - if someone doesn't want to come because so-and-so is there-too bad, their loss.
Best of luck - family can be frustrating.
Happy Easter!

Actually you ought to try that. They aren't paying your bills, doing your job, or feeding your kids. You are a grownup and you are allowed to have your own life. While it might be a little more lonesome or 'different' than the past, if you do your own thing and promise yourself not to feel guilty about it, you will re-establish new rules. Although I suppose you could kind of soften the 'deal with it and you better be civil' haha. How about. So, this is what we are going to do and whatever you do have a great day. Nah, 'deal' with it seems so strong!! Just take a breath, get some sleep and you call the shots.

My suggestion is to plan a meal this weekend, whichever meal you want to make or even just dessert, and invite everyone to come to your house for the meal and an egg hunt. If one won't come because someone else is coming, then that is on therm. You shouldn't have to juggle your life around other people's relationship issues. Invite who you want and let the guests determine whether they are big enough people to put your family ahead of their own disagreements. You have no obligation to go out of your way to accomodate them. Simply say that you've decided to start a new holiday tradition to simplify the holidays for your kids and keep them from being overstimulted, etc. Then do your thing, go to church Sunday for Easter service and quit feeling like you have to be pulled a zillion directions. It isn't worth it.

That said, I have a very, very, very small family and the closest relative is nearly 1000 miles away...don't forget that you're also fortunate to have so many people in your lives.

This all started because you misspoke.. You are human and not a monster.. You did not mean for all of this to blow up..

"My mother-in-law calls tonight and when she asks about plans for Easter I spaced and told her we had no plans confirmed at this time"

WE know you did not mean that she could run with this..

Make some adjustments and think outside of the box.. Do what is best for all of you..

Hold a great big Easter egg hunt , tomorrow, yes, Saturday. in your back yard and then serve lunch.. Sandwiches, fruit salad, deviled eggs and lemonade.. Let THEM all bring filled eggs and hide them all over the back yard, without the children knowing.. Then let the chaos and picture taking begin..

DO NOT worry about the condition of the house since you will all be outside.

Sunday can be for just you and your little family, or you can go for and hour here and there bit not feel so stressed..

We live in the same city will ALL of our families.. It s a blessing and a curse.. Everybody wants us at their home for the entire event they are each a gathering for.. It is always stressful and a nightmare..

Like another mom said.. My mom starts promptly at the time she states.. If you are late, you just join in.. My MIL always plans hers for some obscure time and then 4 hours later the meal is still not ready, the kids are starving, have missed their naps.. the men are bored and mil is flapping her hands..

And my head is about to explode.. because we could have stayed at moms and visited, instead of rushing over to MIL's.. just to sit around and wait.

Wow. You have a lot going on! I cannot believe your not more stressed out. Your family should come first. You do not want your kids to look back at holidays and just remember fighting and pettiness. You want them to remember how much they loved traditions and spending quality time with you and your husband. I agree with you that church is very important. It is the reason for the holiday and Easter services are usually very powerful and uplifting. As for your extended family, start a new tradition. Maybe Good Friday dinner/egg hunt with your family, Saturday breakfast with his family, and Sunday start any tradition you want with just your kids and hubby. This way no one in your extended family feels left out because no one is celebrating on Easter but your and your immediate family. Easter is a great celebration and you shouldn't feel overwhelmed. I wish you lots of luck and no one will like it at first, but they will accept it and learn that every year that they have the same time each year and will plan accordingly and stop harassing you. Trust me.

We trade holidays, because my family is 4 hours away. Easter is always my family, because it's important to my grandmother and his family never does anything anyway, except the one year I had to stay here for work and his mom made a little brunch so our daughter would still have an Easter thing to go to.

We alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas, this year my family gets thankgiving and his gets Christmas, although we'll still go down to visit my family the day after Christmas for presents and fun, we just wont get to see my cousins.

Take a deep breath. It is stressful. I have the problem on the other end of the spectrum. My husband's family if far away. My family is small and I am not close to my sister. I have to practically beg her to come. She only sees her only nephews if I arrange it and if she comes here (1.5 hours away) she requests gas money from my mom and complains a lot about how stressful it is for her to travel. She is generally not a happy person to be around, but she is the only geographically close family my sons have besides my mom, so I work hard at that relationship.
We have a lot of lonely holidays. I would love a crowded house with a lot of family, in spite of the strife that sometimes comes with that.

So take a deep breath and love and embrace the good things that you can experience with these folks. I will be embracing the independence and freedom that comes with not having a lot of family, but I will still be a little disappointed too. I do very much hope you have a good holiday.

After a number of years of hosting, and having people show up early, leave early, show up late, only stop by for coffee and dessert because they had to also make an appearance at their SIL's, brothers, the town dog catcher's fete, my aunt, the matriarch in the family, decided to legislatively re-schedule holidays for our side of the family. They tend to be held on a Sunday a week or so after the actual holiday. i.e. Thanksgiving was on the 2nd Sunday in December. We won't be having easter or an egg hunt until next Sunday. This frees everyone up to come and spend the day and settle into the holiday and enjoy each other's company without the frenzy.

As for my hubs side, they all live far flung and abroad, so holidays with them isn't even a consideration.

Happy Easter,
F. B.

I don't worry about it. My hubby's family lives 8 hrs away from us and I got into a argument with one of his aunts who wanted us to drive up there for christmas one year (this was when my son was only a couple months old and our car was needing repairs!) I told her that we had plans with my family alreay, and she ranted about how they were family too (keep in mind they have never even called us she said all this over FB, His family never keeps in touch with us with the exception of his dad) I finally just let it go. Your kids are your kids and you should be able to do holidays anyway you want. You should be able to have some of your own traditions without worrying about following everyone elses

Have a good cry then be happy someone wants you and your family around for the holidays. then come up with a plan.

We always made it clear at the wedding (LOL) that we would alternate holidays every year.

We celebrated on Christmas Eve with kids, all went to Christmas Eve services and then when grandbabies started coming, Christmas mornings were spent at THEIR house .... we AND the other grandparents brought/ cooked a big breakfast after Santa. We usually left fairly early to give them family time alone.

This worked great while the babies were little. Once they got older and had portable electronics, we went back to our every other year arrangement. But Christmas Eve dinner/services and Christmas morning breakfast has remained a fixture.

After 40 + years, we decided to give up Thanksgiving - it was just too much work for these old bones to handle a month apart. We LOVE decorating so we do Christmas dinner. And we travel at Thanksgiving. Grandkids now offer Christmas music (piano) while we are finishing up the meal and cleaning up afterward.

Speaking as a mother of two married adult children AND an 8 yr old still at home...I haven't seen my two adult children for a holiday since they became a "couple". It SUCKS little green apples!

So step back and take a good hard look at the big picture. YOUR family is NOT the only family that would like to celebrate this wonderful event with you, your husband, and the kids.

Our first child is still in my tummy right now, but even with just the two of us I feel like holidays are war. I hate that because I really enjoyed the holidays before we were married. Now the stress seems not worth it.
My mother in law thinks every holiday should belong to her side of the family, it isn't even just the day of the holiday, it has to be the day before, the day after, and the entire weekend before or after. It is frustrating because all the fighting makes us just want to spend time with my family, who doesn't fight about it, but then, we are choosing favorites. I can only imagine what it will be like when there is a grand baby in the mix.
My suggestion is to blame it on your husband for his side of the family, and you for your side of the family. You know how to deal with your family, and he knows how to deal with his. When talking to his mother, my husband lays down the law-this is what we are doing, this is when we are available, and no, we are not going to wake up Christmas morning at your house. It is important that your husband makes sure his mother knows that these plans are his decisions just as much as they are yours.