HELP With the Family...

Hi K.,
We go to one family on Thanksgiving and the other on Christmas. It helps that one family is out of town, so it works out b/c we can't be with both at the same time ...

S.
mom of 6yo and 4yo

My husband and I have always alternated Christmas Eve with Thanksgiving. This year, for example, we're with his family for Thanksgiving, so we'll do Christmas Eve with mine. Next year we'll do the opposite. We've always kept Christmas Day open to do whatever pleases us...no promises to anyone...which works out great now that we have kids! We have the freedom to stay home and everyone's already used to it.

I think the best thing to do is one family for christmas eve and the other for christmas. People are going to be angry no matter what and that is something that, once you are ok with, will just not bother you as much about later. my family lives on the west coast and we live in illinois. we spend every other christmas with each family. That is what we do. good luck. it is a hard thing. but if the families are understanding, then life will be easier for you.

I let myself be at the mercy of everyone else's plans for years. Don't do it, you will end up hating the holidays!
This year I have let everyone know that I am spending Xmas eve and morning with my children. I will not be going to anyone's house until my kids have had their Xmas at home. We live an hour away from our family. They all seem to think I am being unfair,but they will get over it!
Guess my advice is to plan what you want to for you and your family. Decide to let the other family what you are doing and what you will be available for. You may also let them go on with celebrations without you and catch up when you get there. Just make sure you stake your time and ground with your kids and hubby, otherwise it just feels like more work than holiday! Just be happy and remember the holidays are about the kids, not the inlaws!

We spend christmas eve with my family, christmas morning just us and christmas afternoon with my husbands family. It works out well all the way around. All the grandparents get to see the grandkids and we still get our family time. Good Luck!
Jenny

My cousins' memories of holidays were of dragging around to both grandparents homes and not even getting time at their own home. Now that they have kids they have decided not to do that, since it made unhappy memories for them. I would say go to one family's home on Christmas Eve and then the other on Christmas day afternoon. Make time to be in your own home on Christmas morning with your kids. If everybody lives too far away, invite them to your house, or celebrate the holiday the weekend before. Nothing wrong with doing Christmas WHEN you want to.

We host Thanksgiving - that way we can have everyone over and get to see everyone. For Christmas, we spend Christmas Eve with my husband's family and Christmas day with mine. I have 3 living Grandmas yet that we do not see on those days, so we schedule them in earlier in the week separately. The one year we tried to bunch it all up closer, and that was way too difficult and stressful, especially if you have kids. This works well for us. You have to do whats best for you guys - good luck!

I have had it easy for the past 7 years. The first 2 years (I had no kids at the time) Thanksgiving we went to my inlaws for an early dinner and then to my mom's house for dessert. For Christmas we would go to my inlaws the Saturday before Christmas. She did this to keep the spouses families happy and us. Then we got to spend Christmas evening with my family.
Now things have changed because my inlaws now live 5 1/2 hours away. For Thanksgiving we go down to there house for the weekend and celebrate both holidays. Which is very nice. We do presents and everything. She even has her tree up when we are there. I made the christmas cookies and dessert for this year to help her out since there will be so many of us down there this year. The last few Christmas Eve's we have been going to our close friends house and then spend Christmas evening with my family. It works out kinda nice. We didn't have any fighting with anyone except for my family because some people wanted to rotate having Christmas at there house and my mom said no she wants to have Christmas at her house. I said fine with me I don't have to do it all then, lol.!

Hi K.,

Oh that is a tough one! I am currently (and have been for 8 years) dealing with the same problem myself. My husband is one of two children. My in-laws live here in Chicago, but the rest of the extended family lives in Miami. That being said, my mother-in-law thinks that we should be with her every holiday all day. I come from a family of four children with my whole entire family here in Chicago. We had a discussion a few weeks ago and basically told my mother-in-law how we were spending the holidays. We didn't ask her, but rather told her that we felt it was the best way we could think of to spend the holidays fairly with each family. Voices were raised, but in the end everything seems to be okay (at least for now). I guess my advice would be to just tell everyone how you and your husband are planning to spend the holidays and stand firm. If family wants to see you and your family then they may be less likely to get mad and just be happy with the time that you spend with them. It is tough for us as well...we divide Christmas Eve between both families spending 4 hours with my in-laws and then four hours with my family. Thank God my parents live about 7 blocks from my in-laws. Christmas Day we stay home and have both sets of parents over because our siblings spend it with their in-laws. It gets so hard now that we have kids and it is such a pain to pack the kids up and travel from house to house. My husband secretly hates the holidays for that reason. We always try to "host" as many of the holidays at our house as possible and invite both sides...this way we don't have to leave the house and everyone gets to see the kids. It isn't too much more work because no matter who's house I'm at for a holiday I'm in the kitchen anyway. I hope this helps or at least lets you know that you aren't alone. Hang in there, it is so hard to keep everyone happy and enjoy the holidays yourself. Best of luck to you and Happy Holidays!

I know you got enough input but this is what we do. Every Christmas Eve its with my family. Christmas day with the inlaws. We eat Thanksgiving dinner with my family and do Easter dinner with his. We usually see my family on Easter just for a while though. That is how we split it up since it is so hard to decide where to go.

My husband and I do Thanksgiving with his family (his parents are 4 hours away and his sister is 6 hours) and we do Christmas Eve and Day with my family. We then leave the next day and meet up with his family up in Michigan. It has worked great so far. His family has been really great about moving Christmas for us. Good luck and try not to stress too much. By the way, the only reason we don't have either of the holidays is we have the smallest house. So if your house is big enough maybe just invite everyone to come see you.

C.

Not knowing specifics about your family and how far apart everyone is, I'm unable to give specific suggestions to your situation. Something I did was tell both families early on that Christmas morning was always going to be at our house. I would go anywhere after that but Christmas morning was going to be at home. Since then, my husband and I have made drastic changes to how and when we open presents but we still like Christmas morning at home.

We are close to both sets of grandparents and found that going to one on Christmas day and the other some other close day worked out pretty well. My husband is an only child so his parents often wanted Christmas day, but I was able to finagle going to my parents when my out of state sister visits. Since then my MIL passed away, so we have found it advantageous to have my FIL come spend the night on Christmas Eve. He goes to church with us, we enjoy a nice meal, and then the kids open presents from grandpa on Christmas morning. That afternoon we typically go to my parent's home or sometimes my parents come to our house. HTH

Dear K., I don't think you can really make eveyone happy. What me and my husband do is spend Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas Day with my family. As for any of the other holidays we might go to dinner at one family and desert to the other family. At times this can be exhausting but it is the best thing I can come up with and it pleases most everyone. Good Luck.

Good question
A few years back, my husband and I just decided we have to split our time between the two. One family lives 2 hours away and the other is one hour away from our home. We do thanksgiving at one house and then Christmas eve and ther other and Christmas day at the same one as Thanksgiving. We then alternate back for Easter. The other holidays and just as they come whoever is hosting July 4th or Memorial day etc. Usually it's us doing those holidays (smaller ones). Just take a stand and do what's best for your family. I feel that if it's all stressed and chaotic, what' s the point of it all. You should be able to enjoy it good luck

We have found over the years that setting our own expectations for what will make us and our children happiest and following through is best. Extended family (our parents...) Has not always been happy at first but have adjusted. Trying to please others does not work since making both families happy is almost impossible. We began having happier holidays when we decided to put the ease

I am a grandmother and I know the issues from way back when my children were small..it's tough..I guess the only thing I can say is if everyone can't get together in one large group (which is difficult also) try to spend part of the day with each..or in the event of Christmas, Christmas eve with one family and Christmas day with the other..the obvious solution. I honestly don't know if there is a way to do it, without someone being hurt if that doesn't work....Good luck to you and here's hoping you have a peaceful holiday!!!

I just have to second what alot of other moms said, your job is to make sure your family (you, hubby and kids) are happy. You're a family too.

When hubby and I first married we tried to split our time evenly between both sides and then throw in my daughters also having time with thier dad (my x) and his family and having to work around his schedule for his holidays. It was a mess and had many years of crabby over tired kids.

We finally set our own boundries. Xmas eve was my hubbys family (5 minutes away) while DD's were with thier dad. Xmas day was at my sisters (both my parents are deceased). It has been a long tradition in my family to celebrate xmas day together. It works out well since I told DH from the beginning that was not negotiable.

The issue became Thanksgiving and Easter. We did the split thing, one day for one side and then rotate the next year. This would corrospond with DD's schedule with thier dad. Finally one year I just did not have the energy to go anywhere. You know what? Hubby and I,our son and the DD's did thanksgiving alone. It was the best. I didn't even make a turkey (were not big fans of it anyway) We had lasagna instead, spent a quiet time not running around and then put up the xmas tree. So for us now Easter and Thanksging is decided what were going to do a week or so before and both sides just have to deal with it. This year we are doing thanksgiving with my sister since it's also her bday on thanksgiving.

Just do what is right for your family, you dh and kids. If others noses get out of joint, oh well. I'm sure they've been there too. Your mom and MIL have been the product of inlaws too. They'll get over it.
Good luck!

We are a married couple and on top of that, my parents are divorced so we have three parents to visit. And then, my mom wants "alone" Christmas time, so we have to visit with her separately from her mother and brother's and sister's families, who I really enjoy spending time with. We usually have about 6 Christmas gatherings to attend, and with small children in tow, it's not the most wonderful time of the year.

Specifically, we've decided that we'll spend Thanksgiving with my in-laws and Christmas Day with my mom. We see my dad Christmas Eve day, and the rest of the families on the weekends before and after Christmas. Most parents have resigned themselves to the fact that the family is just too big to see everyone on the actual holiday, but as long as everyone feels like they have a day they aren't competing with someone else, they appear to be happy. It's taken YEARS and a lot of hurt feelings to get to this point.

Now to complicate things, we've moved to Ohio and have a new baby so when we're back for Christmas we are a popular family to want to see. It's not fun, we accept that it's not fun, and we just try to make sure our kids enjoy themselves. We set limits and use them as the excuse - they can't be driven all over in a day, they need a chance to nap, etc. After a few years, I think parents get it and it does get a little easier. You just have to say, I love you, I want to spend time with you, and we are just trying to be fair to everyone. They'll be upset, but they need to be grown-ups and get over it. And, I make a mental note never to do this to my kids!

Also, we pretty much have a set schedule now so no holiday season comes as a surprise. Everyone knows when to expect to spend time with us... until the year when our dream comes true and we secretly plan to spend Christmas at an all-inclusive family resort on the beaches of Mexico, just the four of us ;)

Dear K.,

There are a few ways you can solve this problem. One, If the families live not to far apart you can ask each one what is the more important Holiday for them and make that their Holiday every yr for dinner and then visit the other family after dinner. OR You can tell them you are going to have to switch every Yr. and only be with each family every other Yr.
If they don't like either of these suggestions then tell them You LOVE them both and don't want to hurt either family so you are not going to spend any Holiday ever with either one, so not to hurt the other. I can tell you this much they won't like the 3rd choice and you will see how fast both sides come up with an agreement. I will tell you this if you do not solve this problem from the start you NEVER HAVE PEACE FOR TOR ANY Holiday the rest of your lives. I hope this helps in GOOD LUCK.

M.
( A GOOD MOTHER-IN-LAW)

What we do in our family is alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving with the in-laws. This year, it's Thanksgiving with my family, Christmas Day with the in-laws. Next year, it's Thanksgiving with the in-laws, and Christmas Day with my family. Then everyone knows what to expect and you can plan to spend time with the other family the day before or the day after, but each family gets a special day each year!
Hope that helps!

Everyone I know alternates holidays and time. One family gets Christmas eve and the other gets Christmas day. Alternate Thanksgiving each year and Easter too.

My husband and I used to run around with our now 8 and 6 year old girls like chickens with our heads cut off every holiday. It was ridiculous. We would sometimes go up to 4 places in one day not being any one place long enough to enjoy it. The holidays were nothing but stress and often caused fights between us. For the last several years, however, we've just let every one know we will not go more than 2 places on any given holiday and if they want to see us, we'll just have to schedule it a different day, like the weekend before or after the holiday. That has worked out wonderfully. Everyone gets more time with us and we are much less stressed. Hope this helps. You may need to put your foot down a little.
AZ

We had this issue several years ago. I have four brothers & sisters, all married and all of our in-laws have different traditions. We grew up celebrating xmas eve, and some of our in-laws celebrated xmas day & some xmas day. Either way, it was stressful for all of us. Each of us either had two xmas eve events to go to, or one on xmas eve (which ours always went late) and a tired one on xmas day. Finally, one year we decided to have our family day the saturday before xmas eve. We have done this for ten years and I host this huge event at my house. I also invite my dad's brother's family (he has six girls) & their spouses & kids. All in all, there are three generations--five 1st generation, 22 2nd gen & spouses, & 24 3rd gen kids. We all bring food, we do various grab bag gift games (so you're not buying gifts for everyone) and we pitch in for someone to dress as Santa & for someone to clean the kitchen. Sometimes my inlaws join us (my DH only has a sister, brother-in-law & mother in the area). But we have our own peaceful & private holiday on xmas eve w/ just me, my DH & our two kids and we typically have brunch with my DH's small family on xmas day.

There's no way to be in two places at once and I wouldn't even consider trying to get to two different places in one day. We do every Easter with my husband's family and every Thanksgiving with my family. We have Christmas Eve at my house with my family and go to my husband's family's house for Christmas Day after we have had our own family time at the house in the morning. This seems to work out for us and for our families. We don't have any problems with any year or any holiday because we set up this schedule from year 1. Whatever you decide to do, make sure it works for your immediate family and let everyone know how you decided to split your time.
Good luck to you!

K.,

I had it lucky. My mothe-in-law always did Thanksgiving early. My family always did it later in the day. So we were able to do both. Unfortunately my children never got to meet my mother-in-law, their grandmother. She passed away before they were born. I would pay any price to have the craziness of the holidays to have her back with us again. Christmas eve we would do with my family. When I was growing up we always opened our gifts christmas eve. My dad has always told us that he only asked we all get together for Christmas Eve he does not care if we show up for any other holidays. Christmas day we would go to my in-laws after we had our christmas in the morning at home. Its really funny how so many families can not be happy with what ever arrangements are made. My parents and family never seemed to care. We were just happy for the time we could spend together and that we were all healthy and able to do so. Life is just to short and we are greatful for every day we are given to spend with our loved ones. Maybe you should point that out the next time they are not happy with your decision. The holidays are suppose to be about love, caring, and SHARING. That means their time also. Good luck and happy holidays.

Most every young family faces this problem during the holidays. Just have dinner at 1 house and dessert at the other. Next year you'll reverse. They understand even if they're hurt. You can't tear yourself in half for them so let them know right away so they can shop accordingly. Flip a coin, just once to see who gets you for dinner. Good luck and try to enjoy this joyous season.

No advice but you are not alone. On thanksgiving we are doing breakfast with hubbys dad, then heading to rockford to have a late lunch with my dad, then dessert with hubbys mom in palatine, then ending at my moms for "dinner" by 6:30. Oh how I love the holidays, haha

I'm assuming you have children. Quite honestly, making their holiday memories special would be the top priority for me.

You decide what traditions you want to set/start with your family and stick with them. If your family members start to put on the pressure, just remind them that "these are the traditions we want our family to start and instead of thinking of the holidays as stressful times where we run around going crazy, we want our children to have peaceful, happy memories of the holidays".

You will NEVER please everyone in your family! Lord knows we don't, so I am past even trying to make everyone happy. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I want my kid to have happy memories of Thanksgiving and Christmas (like I have of my childhood) and no one is going to get in the way of that, so my husband and I decide what *we* think is best for our family.

If you're having issues that both families want you in both places at the same time, decide which family gets which days (Thanksgiving, and Christmas Eve/Christmas Day). If you have to rotate each year, that seems to me to be an acceptable compromise. If a family gives you grief, as in they'll be 'crushed' if they don't get to be with you on ___ holiday, then ask them to think how the other family would feel if things were the other way around.

Growing up, both sets of my grandparents lived in the south. One year we'd go down there for Christmas and then the next year my mom's grandparents would come to our place. My dad's grandparents didn't/couldn't travel...but they also understood how hard it was to travel with 3 kids in a station wagon for 10+ hours every Christmas AND pack up all our Christmas loot, so we only saw them at Christmas every other year. It was a compromise that worked well for our family growing up.

Well, one suggestion would be to have a family holiday on a different day or weekend. A lot of times big families will have one big party during that month, but a chosen day so you can be free to do what you want on the actual day. I hate to say it but there will usually be someone upset that they didn't see you or that you had to leave early to go somewhere else. But whatever you do, don't ever let anyone make you feel that you have an obligation to be anywhere on any day.

C.

I just dont get this thing when families get so upset. my mother does and I just dont get it. I dont want to drive 2 hours away on xmas and just want to stay home but I said I would only I would get there between 2 and 3 and thats not good enough. You just tell your family this is our plan for our family and next year we will rotate. thats it. As long as you are kind and respectful there is nothing you should feel bad or guilty about. I know we are woman and we are anyway but we shouldnt be!

Hi K.! This is a tricky situation for sure and one of the reasons so many people say they hate the holidays! I think the number one thing that everyone in the family needs to realize is that the "holidays" can encompass many days, not just the actual Thursday of Thanksgiving or December 24-25. In our family, we have come to regard the holidays as a certain time of year and make efforts to see everybody within that time frame.

My family is all local to Chicago but my husband's family is pretty well scattered - his father is in Colorado, his mother in Florida, his brother in Wisconsin, and his sister is in Virginia. Generally, we see my parents on Thanksgiving day, and then his father comes to visit at some point Thanksgiving weekend. (His mom is usually in FL for this holiday and we don't see his brother until mid-Dec to celebrate our nephew's birthday).

At Christmas, my mother-in-law generally is in town. We spend Christmas Eve with my family, and then my mother-in-law rotates between my husband's brother, sister, and us each year for Christmas Day. If we don't see her on Dec 25th, then we set up another time to see her to exchange gifts before she heads back to FL. Sometimes this can be as late as January. Because my brother-in-law has annual traditions with his own in-laws, we also generally set up another time to celebrate Christmas with them. This year, because of schedules, we are not seeing them for the holiday until January 10th. But that's ok with everybody because we all understand how much we each have to accommodate. Unfortunately, we don't often get to see my sister-in-law for the holidays because of her family's schedules in Virginia, but we take time to send each other care packages and to exchange tons of photos and phone calls. It's still a nice way to share the holiday experience with her.

At the end of the day, I think setting these boundaries all begins with communication. We talked to each member of the family - my parents, my husband's parents, and our respective sibs - to figure out what annual traditions they really want to continue to honor and how we can then work in new family traditions of our own. It's been 7 holidays now and things run as smoothly as possible. No one has hurt feelings because we all agreed that the "holidays" can really be anytime between Thanksgiving and New Years, and that as long as we spend time together during that period, we can make it as festive as we want. It's the togetherness that counts!

I hope this has helped! Remember, don't be afraid to voice your opinion on what traditions you want to honor. In the end, if everyone does the same, you'll form new traditions that everybody can enjoy without hurt feelings or missed celebrations. Happy Holidays!! : )

I guess it depends on distance between all of you. We set everything up ahead of time - we were home for the holiday (especially Christmas). Thanksgiving, we would pick one or the other, go there and then if any one wanted to see the kids, they would have to come to us. We would explain hard to do all the running around with the kids. One year, if you can do it, have everyone to dinner at your place (potluck, kind of thing). Everyone responsible for bringing something to help out. The best thing, set the boundaries before the holiday hits. You can't please everyone, but you can keep your family's best interest the priority and that's all that matters. God Bless!

K.
Everyone has different ideas about how much family should get together (trust me if ever there was a situation where you can't please everyone all of the time, this is it!)Before we had kids, we would routinely have 2 Thanksgiving dinners, and even when our kids were little we did that a couple years. Christmas we really don't have trouble, because my family is big on Christmas Day, and my husband's family is big on Christmas Eve. I think as long as you try to be even handed and fair, most reasonable family members won't get upset. My Aunt said something really helpful to me once, and we now use her advice to help work out our get-together conflicts: she suggested that the actual DAY the holidy falls on is not as important as the ritual and closeness of getting together as a family. Since then, we have often gotten together with various family members the Saturday after Thanksgiving, or the weekend before Christmas in order to spread the fun and love around and not miss seeing anyone.
There are also sometimes special circumstance. For Example: One year we had the opportunity to go to Hawaii for Christmas with my side of the family, so we missed Christmas with the other side, but It was one of the last times I speant significant time with my grandparents before their health started failing. The sight of my grandmother snorkeling or my grandfather deep sea fishing are priceless to me. By the same token, a few years later we spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with my husbands family, when far away family we had not seen since our wedding were visiting. It's a give and take. Have fun!
J.

No matter what you do, expect to upset someone. But you have every right to enjoy your holiday too. You didn't specify a problem, but my families have a couple of different ways to handle this. My cousins do every other holiday. So, Thanksgiving they will be with her family in Ohio and for Christmas they will be with his family here and Easter will be with her family in Ohio. Then next year it will switch. Pretty good idea especially if there is any traveling to get to parts of the family.
My husband and I do it differently. His family lives all over the country and we have a 3 year old, so we don't travel for holidays. We spend most holidays with my family. However, we have Christmas Day at our house and that way whoever is in town is welcome to come over. That seems to work out well too.
The blending of two families is hard. Especially if both of them have strong traditions that happen at the same time. If you don't have to worry about dragging little ones around. See if someone will start their celebrations earlier or later so that you can stop by both.
Remember you don't have to drive yourself nuts by trying to please everyone. Some people can go nuts when a change happens but they will get used to it. You both have a right to see both of your families and you should start traditions of your own. It might take a couple of years to get used to, but eventually it will seem second nature.

Hi K. H I understand where you are coming from, like you I also have two families but two years ago I resolve the situation by having HOLIDAY dinners a week early at my home and asked the family members over,and for the rest of the planning I asked family members to have the other dinners at least 3-4 hrs apart, it worked out perfectly.One dinner would be at 1 pm which gives us enough time to enjoy the meal and socialize and enjoy each family without any one feelings getting hurt,The next family meal would be from 5-6 pm.So far it's been working out great.

Also A Peace maker
D. M

Hi K.,

The very first two years we first went to his family for the Christmas holiday, and then to mine. I've got friends that do Thanksgiving at one, and Christmas at the other, and then switch the next year. Then I have a bunch of families that say they just have everyone come to them, instead of trying to get out to the others without hurting feelings. It means you may have to host a large get-together, but at least there's no hurt feelings!

Hi K.,
My husband and I have been married for 5 year and the first few years we did Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other and then switched the following year (there is 7 hours between our families so there is no possible to way to see both the same/next day). This year we've decided to do Thanksgiving with my family and stay home and have a family Christmas with just our kids. Next year we'll probably do Thanksgiving with my husband's family. I don't think there is ever a way to keep everyone happy, but thankfully our families are petty understanding. Good Luck!

My brothers usually switch off holidays - one year they go to one family for Thanksgiving and the other family for Christmas. The next year they switch and go to the first family for Christmas and the second for Thanksgiving. I've heard other families will try to fit both families in on one holiday - one in the morning and one in the evening, or one for Christmas eve and the other for Christmas day. This only works if the families live close to each other though...

Hi K.~

We had the same problem about 8 years ago...it was hard, but this is what we do. We go to my parents on Christimas Eve (evening 5pm) & we go to my husbands parents on Christimas (lunchtime 12n). I hope this helps a little!

Happy Holidays!!

J.
www.MomsHomeBiz.org

feel extremely blessed that you have two families to be with .... It's once a yr. Go sit alone and think of having no family to be with. I think that is more stressful. You are very lucky when you go this year look around the room and count aech person as a blessing... eventually we all die........ and all we have left are the memories of the people closest to us when they are gone.

Hi K.,
We used to fly to California to have Xmas with my parents and have annual summer beach trip with spouse's family...and then we discovered its quieter to just stay home for major holidays and find other time of the year to get together.
I have met friends at the zoo on Thanksgiving because they were bypassing all the relatives and just enjoying immediate family.
It is up to you if you alternate holidays or choose to just stay home. The relatives will adjust to your news better if you let them know ahead of time about your plans and just create your own traditions.
I agree with the other people who suggested having a family dinner that isn't on Thanksgiving or Xmas to allow family to enjoy each other without having two banquets on the same day.
BTW I am teaching an early morning yoga class on Thanksgiving to allow people to exercise, relax and then go and enjoy the rest of their holiday plans.
C. L

We are lucky, first no one is divorced so less places to go....but here is what we do....

On Thanksgiving we go to my husband's family...On Saturday we host my family. This way no one has to choose who to see

Christmas Eve we go to his family. Christmas Day we host my family

Easter...we host both families

Good Luck!

As a daughter of a retired fire fighter when rarely had the holiday on the REAL holiday. Did we care? NO! I think too much is heaped on us during the year and THEN we need to make "perfect" day when a hoilday rolls around?

I'm more than happy to split up the hoidays into other weeks and everybody is happy. Now that we have our son I'm finding I'm less willing to deal with all the chasing around from family to family.

In the past, we have even opted out of both sides so we could just be alone. Sometimes all that family togethterness can and should be spread out to keep your own sanity! :)

You tell them that as a family yourself, you all will be making time with your children a priority and creating your own traditions. Let them know when you are available and let them work around you. Perhaps you can schedule some time with your and your husband's families after Christmas. Have Christmas in your home, with your husband and your children. That's the most important family you have to be concerned with.

Anyone who gives you a hard time about this isn't concerned with the spirit of the holiday and they shouldn't be indulged.

Good question! With my family we do all parties from the beginning of Dec until the 23rd. Then on Christmas Eve we do absolutely NOTHING (except Mass)! Christmas day is spent at home and if my parents or anyone want to come over they are welcome to but we will not go anywhere. We celebrate Christmas on New Years Eve with my parents, Grandmother, Sister and her family then.

We made it clear that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are our days together and open our home to anyone wanting to come. And by celebrating Christmas on New Years Eve it keeps the older kids off the streets that night as well as giving all of us "old fogeys" something to do to stay awake that late... we hit 30 and want to go to bed at 10! lol

Now, my parents while we were growing up would do one family on Christmas Eve and one on Christmas Day. The problem then is trying to convince each family which day is theirs and getting everyone to agree.

Remember, you are never going to make everyone happy. The key is to make yourself happy though and everything else will fall into place! I wish you lots of luck and many blessings!

You will never be able to make everyone happy, so you need to concentrate on keeping yourself and your own family happy. I assume you have children, and it may be time for you to start your own traditions. Together you and your husband can decide what's best for your family. You can also have something at your own home and let them all come to you, that way your kids are home with their toys and you can put them to bed/nap when they are ready. It doesn't even have to be on the actual holiday, a few days before or after. New Years is always lots of fun and not a lot of pressure. I shouldn't talk though, I've gotten myself ropped into out of town company the first three weekends in December this year. Happy Holiday's!!!!! LOL :)

Having the holiday at your house with both sides of the family over and helping works well, if they'll agree to it. If they don't know each other well, they will get to know each other better, and it may be a happier family for it.

Once we had kids, we made our family take turns. We didn't want to exhaust ourselves on such a wonderful day. You didn't mention if all of your family is local, fortunately both my inlaw and my parents are nearby.

One year my parents get Christmas, and the inlaws get Christmas Eve. The next year they switch. Everyone knows in advance and has adjusted nicely. They can make other plans on the day we won't be there.

The holidays should be fun and, yes, relaxing. It's about being with your loved ones........without having to watch the clock or saving room for another meal.

As far as Thanksgiving goes, any day is a day to give thanks and be with family, even if it's a Saturday. Folks need to be flexible and be thankful for what they have, even if it's not exactly the 4th Thursday in November.

Lay out a plan, and make sure everyone has their turn at having you during "key" days. Good luck and happy holidays.

Well K., there are two things I can suggest to you. One can be:
1. Spend one year with your in-laws the days (thanksgiving or christmas, new years... etc) and your family the nite, same thing. Then the next year all the way arroung. And you can also have the third year... free (meaning that if you want to spend it whatever or wherever you want they will know)
2. Could be spend one year with one family and the other with the other... that works out great when you do not live in the same city. But hey, it's how you present that to them, and your husband, you have to sell the idea, making them feel it's the best for them. Also for your sanity, of course.
The most important thing is that you tell them, do not ask them for advice. You already gave it a thought, and it's best for all.
Hope that works for you!!!
Happy thanksgiving and holidays!!!

Hi K.,

What we do for Thanksgiving is, we have Thanksgiving day with my side of the family, and the day after with my husband's side of the family. We used to do the split, but it got to be too much. It actually works out quite well with everyone.
Christmas - we do X-mas eve with my side and X-mas day with his side. Christmas morning, it's all about just our family.
Hope this helps, and Happy Holidays!

Hi K.-I'm with you. As in "I like peace". I can't believe people get so worked up about the holidays but some people do. Both of our families live within 45 minutes so what we end up doing for Thanksgiving and Easter is eat the main meal with my family and dessert with my husbands family. Sometimes I dread all the travel but on the other hand at least I don't have to prepare a huge meal and clean up after a huge gathering. Christmas we are still working out beacuse we end up seeing all of my cousins as well.

Basicaly I think you just have to decide which you prefer and let your family know how you feel. If people don't like your decision then they will balk but over the years they'll accept it. Good luck.

You have a lot of good responses, and I'm sure mine is no different, but I did want to share an interesting turn of events we experienced this year. This has wokred nice for Christmas for us so far - we spend Christmas Eve with my Dad's family (has been this way since I was a kid), Christmas brunch with his family, and Christmas dinner (my family usually does a buffet thing as opposed to a big sit down dinner so this works nice if we are still full from brunch) with my Mom's family. His mom complains that she doesn't get the whole day, but I've tuned her out. This is what works since our two families are close that there's not a lot of travel time. I've been very clear with my husband that she gets this, or we don't go at all. Now as for other holidays it really depends. Easter is with which ever family we choose - usually who has plans first. Mother's Day / Father's Day aren't big for us so we normally don't do anything. The summer holidays (Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4t of July) his family usually goes camping; something we're not into. Plus my husband works in a restaurant so he usually has to work. New Year's Eve is ours. And as for Thanksgiving, I had a perfect plan this year - my husband took the Saturday after Turkey Day off so we could go see his family and we're spending the actual day with my Mom. Well, he got a phone call today that his parents have cancelled on us, they are going to a football game instead! This is the main reason I am not so concerned with how my MIL feels about our holiday plans. We have made the effort to go down and see MIL, FIL, SIL, and niece and nephew and have been ignored each time. The last time we went down one of the kids wasn't even home he was at a friend's, when he finally did get home several hours later he brought the friend with and the other had a friend over the whole time. The time before that, the SIL had some friends over and her and the kids spent the time with them. My husband never gets a weekend day off, for us to make plans to go see anyone, or do anything involves him planning to take the day off - something his mother knows and it was this way long before we got married or even met. Now that we have twins on the way our family planning will involve going to see people who appreciate spending time with us. Hang in there, it will work itself out. You will find a schedule that works for you. The most important thing is to make sure you do what makes YOUR family happy - you, your husband and your kids. Everyone else should be grateful for what ever time they get with you. Another thing I never understood is why the actual day is more important than seeing your family. I was thinking about planning a family night between Thanksgiving and Christmas; having a buffet, playing games (we are a big game family), having fun. Everyone would be invited and it would be understood that this was our family holiday, Thanksgiving and Christmas would be OURS. Sorry, this turned out longer than I thought. Good Luck! :-)

My brother goes on Thanksgiving to his in laws and on Christmas with our family. I guess that way nobody complaints.