Recently my husband and I constantly seem to bicker. I feel like I am constantly angry at him for one reason or the other. He really is a wonderful father, but I just get annoyed at the little things he does wrong. We never seem to talk anymore, and romantic gestures are non existant. I was just wondering how do we get out of this rut?
Dear C.,
I am kind of stuck in the same rut, I have a 10 month old daughter. I don't know much about attachment parenting, but I am also looking for other children around my daughters age for a possible play group or date. What area do you live in? I am from Woonsocket, RI.
M.
Maybe you and your husband can take a vacation without the child. Get a reliable babysitter for the weekend and you and your husband rekindle your flame. You two need time for you two. Hope things get better and you will be able to get away and talk and what-have-you. Good Kuck to you.
I can't agree with Becky more....."Date Night" is an awesome way to re-connect with your husband. I remember at the end of my pregnancy I started freaking out about exactly this. I made my husband promise to take me on a date at the least once a month. Well, our daughter is 3 months old now and I think we've been out 4-5 times. It really has helped. I highly recommend it. (As a matter of fact we are going out to dinner tonight!) Good luck!
I can totally relate; but it's my husband who wants date night! We don't always have 'date night" but it helps even for us to call our parents to watch the baby while we go shopping. As far as being romantic, again, it's all him. I work full time (teaching!) and just don't have the energy for anything.
Start slow, lots of touching (doesn't need to be sexual!), and asking about his day will hopefully open up lines of communication. Also remind him he's doing a great job.
I don't have much more! good luck!
The same thing happened to me when our oldest son was born. It started slowly, then by the time he was about 7-8 months old both of us were really miserable. After talking about it candidly one day with him it occured to me that I was the problem. I was stressed out and miserable, as being a new stay at home mom will do to you, and I was directing it at him, basically blaming him for putting me in that position. After we talked, I made a specific effort at not being negative toward him, and that helped a little bit. What really helped both of us though, and it sounds like you've already done this, is that I got a part time job outside the home on the weekends when he could stay home and watch the baby. That made him happy, because he was able to spend some quality time with our son. But mostly it made me happy because I was able to feel like more than just a mom again and interact with adults other than bickering with my husband. Definitely the date thing is important too, of course, you need that quality time together. But keep in mind the old saying, 'if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy.' It's so true!!!
Hi C.,
Being new parents is quite stressful. It's no longer just the two of you, and we sometimes get so caught up in the daily tasks, we forget the romantic stuff.
Have you two been out on a date since your daughter has been born? If not, I think you need to call a sitter and get out and spend some quality time with your husband! All you'll probably do is talk about your baby anyway! But just getting out, just the two of you, is much needed.
Remember what it is that attracted you to him in the first place. Try focusing on what he does right, not wrong. Maybe write a love note and stick it in his coat pocket. Something to light that spark again!
Good luck!
Not only date night, but getting out by YOURSELF. See your Girlfriends. You remember those People, right? They can be the biggest saviors. Girlfriends will let you know you are not alone, and can give you some perspective. Don't feel selfish for wanting to be seen as your own person, or have time to do youe own thing. You will like yourself, Husband and Baby so much more.
As a young married mother of two myself, the best advice that I can give to you, and have been there before, learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, is this really worth saying something about? And if so, make a joke about it or take the "non diffensive" approach to it and it will seem to make the situation less tense. You will then find that your relationship will take on a whole new level and he'll feel more appreciated and want to be more affectionate twords you.
Hope this helps!
N. Lancaster N.Y.
both of you need to learn techniques on resolving conflicts. I would recommend on going to a weekend learning experience like retrouville seminar ( look at retrouville.org ) or the weekend to remember ( you can find info at familylife.com under the conferences tab or by calling 1-800-FLTODAY)
and keep praying for your marrage. I'm also an attachment parent. =) if it sounds like I'm distracted, I'm sorry, my kids are distracting me ;)
I have to agree with a lot of what has been said. Try scheduling a date with your husband. I mean, actually write it down in your calendar and stick to it. Go out to dinner, watch a movie or just go to a bar for a few drinks. Mostly, TALK to each other. Get to know each other all over again. When you get home, "invite" him in for a night cap.
I also agree with going out with just your girl friends. I do this with my moms group. We go out every so often just to get away from "momsville". Nothing extravagant...just to a local bar for a few drinks so we can chat. You wouldn't believe how much it helps.
If you're in CT I can give you the name of my moms group, which is online.
M.
C.,
My husband and I went through the same stage during my son's first year. I was the problem. We moved when I was seven months pregnant, and we didn't know a single person in our new state. He was still commuting over the line to his job, but I was stuck in the house, in a strange place, with a baby and not one single friend. I still had the phone and email, but it's not the same. It was only when I started my at-home business, and joined a playgroup to meet other moms, that things got better.
I resented my husband for being able to keep so much of his old life after the baby, while I had nothing. I was angry that he was my only adult contact for conversation or activities, pretty much anything that wasn't breastfeeding or changing diapers. He had spent all day with people at work, and really just wanted to read or watch tv or use his computer, and I was desperate for someone to talk to. That's way too much of a burden to put on any one person. Once I made some friends and got involved is some things outside the house, I didn't need him so badly, so I didn't get angry every time he wanted to do something alone, and the tension eased up a lot.
Relationships inevitably change after children, so you end up having to develop new relationships and roles...Mom & child, Mom and hubby as wife, mom and hubby as parents, etc, etc, etc....and it takes time...I agree about date nights!!! Every month or twice a month, get a babysitter and go out on a real date...get dressed up, make special plans, have a sexual encounter...be creative. Work at it, it is not easy. It is work!!!
