I Need a Reality Check! Should I Be Upset by What Hubby Did or Just Let It Go?

You're right. He's wrong... on so many levels. I have way too much emotion to write it all down for you, lol.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I would be pissed, but why does he decide if a sitter will be called? Call a sitter and start scheduling regular date nights. Let him know that since he's now married, it's really not okay to go out with a couple of guys and three other women who are not his wife while his wife is out of town. I'm all for friends of the opposite sex and have some of my own -as does my husband -but what he did isn't okay. None of my husband or my opposite sex friends are people we've ever had any sort of "thing" for or with either. And let him know that being married and having his children trumps everything else.

Wouldn't do this myself and I wouldn't be happy if my husband did this to me. There are certain things that are off limits now that he is married and this little get together was one of them. There is NO NEED for it. Things like this create desire between a man and a woman where there is no place for it in a marriage. I mean, what is his motive, REALLY? What is hers? Is she married with a family? Probably not, seeing that she was available to hang out solo. Blah. Sounds like you and hubby might need some counseling right about now. Either that, or some true communication needs to take place between you two that has not happened in a while. Good luck

I got about halfway through your post when the words "Her husband is acting like a complete idiot" raced through my head.

Shall we itemize it?
* He doesn't make an effort to get the two of you out for regular date nights.

*When he has a free night out, he does not do what most of our guys would do: just hang out with a buddy.

*He texts this other gal to invite her out too.

*The Clincher: He can't say enough good things about how awesome she is and how much fun he had.

Let's face it, whether or not it's jealousy of going out or jealousy due to the kind of feedback you got about his female friend, this was a Really Dumb Guy Move on his part. It's not that he just hung out with the gal (in public, with friends, granted...) it's also about his attitude toward you, right? It would have been a lot better if he hadn't gotten defensive and had just accepted that you were disappointed. You were busy being mom. You aren't getting a lot of breaks. YOU would like to spend some one-on-one time with HIM, and maybe those are the things that seem to be missing from the conversation.

Are you 'right' to be upset? Feelings don't have to be justified as right or wrong. It just would have been better if he'd acknowledged them as *valid* and then made an effort to make amends. "You're right, honey... we do need a date night, and I'm sorry this happened without you. Let's plan on something for next week..." would have worked wonders, I'm assuming?

If he is 'testing' you-- well, what sort of person 'tests' their spouse? I mean, once you have chosen to marry them...what the heck? I don't understand that kind of thinking or those mind games. For what it's worth, reading the Robert E. Lee anecdote, he also seems a bit on the dense side. Go hang out with a chick that's throwing herself at you, play along with it for a while, then tell your wife how awesome you are for NOT breaking your vows? And then get upset with her because she doesn't buy into this inane sort of thinking? Boggles the mind....

So many cynical women!

No, I would not be mad. They were at a public place and he didn't try to hide the fact. I would ask that you be able to meet her, I don't think that is an unreasonable request. Hell you might find you like her also, after all if you married your husband and she is just like him she can't be all bad. Have him invite her to the house and do a bbq.

You may not be jealous but you do come of as insecure. If you do not like the way your relationship is going then do something about it. If he won't ask the in-laws then you ask them.

As for going out while you aren't home. I do a lot of things I don't do with the husband when he is gone and vice versa. That doesn't lead me to believe something is going on. It means that there are things I do that he doesn't and the same is true the other way. Besides, sometimes I like to do something and not have to 'run' it by him.

Well, I trust my husband...so I don't think I'd be too bothered. Would I be jealous that he had a rocking fun night without me? Sure! Then, I'd get a sitter so we could have fun.He doesn't have as good of time when you go out? Why? Perhaps, you don't let loose and have a great time. Really, I think it comes down to you don't feel special. He was raving about this friend in a way he doesn't rave about you. Perhaps, you NEED to have more fun! Get a sitter and let loose, maybe he'll make you feel special. I really think that's the point. Would you care if he was raving about how much fun he had with a male friend? You two need to have fun together, then he wouldn't be so impressed with another lady being fun.

I certainly think married men and single women together drinking can be a bad mix. (My husband doesn't drink, so I don't have to worry about that. ) Unless, you think he'd do something questionable under the influence...what is the big deal? In any case, he wouldn't have told you about it, if his intentions were bad. He still married you, right? One of the things men hate most, is insecurity. In his mind, he had fun, but didn't cross (or probably even THINK to cross) any lines. So, he's thinking...what the heck is she so mad about? It makes you appear very insecure and jealous, and men really don't appreciate that in a spouse. I'm sure that's what he's bothered by. You're kind of creating trouble, which causes MORE problems, then if there is actual trouble.

Another golden star for Hazel, particularly this gem (which is worth repeating),

"Are you 'right' to be upset? Feelings don't have to be justified as right or wrong. It just would have been better if he'd acknowledged them as *valid* and then made an effort to make amends. "You're right, honey... we do need a date night, and I'm sorry this happened without you. Let's plan on something for next week..." would have worked wonders, I'm assuming?"

I can't articulate it better than she did, so I'll just say, she nailed it.

My guess?

You might not feel as upset if:
1. You and he were spending time as a couple, sans kids, more often (or at all?)
2. If you felt comfortable with his lady friend and got a good feel for her.
3. If your husband didn't attack you for having an emotional response to his choice, and didn't become defensive.
4. If he wasn't giving his friends what he is not giving you - adult time, outside of the family dynamic.
___________________

I have friends of the opposite sex, so does my husband. In my mind, that's a positive thing. I'm the type of gal who feels claustrophobic when I'm not allowed to hang out with 50% of the population, simply based on what's between their legs.

Now, that being said, I try to do so in a respectful way. Let me give you an example. Last week I hung out with a guy friend...who just so happens to also be an old friend of my husband's. Our guy friend is a stay at home dad and we get on well. We have play dates, talk about common interests, and (yay!) we plan fun outdoor activities. It's nice to have a play date with a parent who is restless as I am.

Does my husband mind? Heck no, of course not. Does it pose a threat to him? Not. In. The. Least.

Another example. I encourage my husband to hang out with female friends. It's good for him and he gains a perspective that supports our family perspective. It helps him to be gentle, communicative, and open. My husband has an easier time opening up with women, and frankly, I can't be the only one who hears about my husband's internal strife. It's wonderful when he accesses friendship and support - for everyone. If I'm out of town and he's lonely, I'll often times say, "Hey, why don't you give K. a call - see if she wants to go to hang out."

But see, that doesn't pose a threat to me. The ladies he hangs out with (who very well might share more interests with my husband than I do), they are my friends too, or at least I know them well enough to get a good feel for them. They respect me, our family, and our need to be stable. They aren't looking to come in and replace me, they want to support us as a family.

They might come over and watch a movie together, but they wouldn't act any differently if I was there. We'd all sit in a big pile, talking over each other, laughing, making stupid jokes...

And then there is the most important bit. The bit about what is missing for you, that he gave to her. I would probably feel jealous too (feelings are valid - actions? Yes/no depending. Feelings don't give us permission to go on a war path, but they can act as windows into our deepest needs and wants.)

It's like, the interaction/connection that your husband shared with others, makes the deficient on ya'lls end more clear, more defined, more pressing.

My advice? Don't make this about her. Make it about you, "I felt uncomfortable when you spent time with someone else while I was out of town. I felt left out. I want to spend time with you, adult time, romantic time. It wasn't about who you were hanging out with, so much as about what I want that I'm not getting. When you hung out in an adult setting with friends, it showed me there is a void I am experiencing, a void created by our lack of time away from the kids. It's great that you had fun, you deserve it. I wished I could have been there.

I felt threatened when you spent time with a woman whom I have not had the pleasure of getting to know, especially because you used to share chemistry. I'm sure there's nothing going on, it's just that I have to see that, to have better faith in the platonic nature of your friendship."

Back it up....he just happened to have her number to text her and she just happened to be available? Right.
I do own some oceanfront property in the Midwest if you're interested.....

Of course he's defensive. He was stupid enough to announce his indiscretions to his wife.

ETA: The difference between it being "OK" to have friends of the opposite sex all hinges on what is honestly and openly agreed to within O.'s marriage. Clearly this was not. He was sneaky & underhanded about it......that changes everything. He told you AFTER the fact, which implies he was attempting damage control (in case you found out later).

So who did he chose to marry - YOU or her?

You want a date with your husband? get a baby sitter. Don't ask in-laws to do it - get a babysitter. If you can't afford that - plan something romantic after the kids go to bed...that's what I did when we were on a tight budget - I would get out a blanket and few pillows and fix something for my husband and I to munch on while we watched the fire or played Scrabble.

I have more male friends than I do girl friends...and I don't get jealous easily. He was being honest with you. He could've kept it a secret. I might be upset that he has an old flame's number and failed to mention it - but HE CHOSE ME.

You can choose to make a huge stink over this or you can tell him - I'm glad you had fun. In the future - I'd like to meet her should you two decide to meet up again. I'd REALLY love it - if WE could go out together. Why don't I schedule a babysitter for next week and go out ourselves?!?!?!

The following statement is a giant, neon-sign-bright, crazy bad issue buried among the jealousy and annoyance, so please, don't miss this remark in your own post:

"He also said that since he knew her before me that that pretty much trumps things..."

Trumps what? Your marriage vows? The feeliings you have? The children and history you have together? He did a lot of stuff "before you." Does that make it fine for him to go back and do that same stuff now that he's married?

If he wanted to see her as a friend, that would have been fine -- IF he had not waited until you were out of town. On the one hand, well, he did tell you about it. On the other, he told you about it seemingly to get you mad or jealous or both. I think he wanted to get a rise out of you. Some folks posting are saying, "Give him more date nights!" That would be good too, but he has really overstepped here and if this is his way of saying, "Honey bunch, I'm so lonely for you," he is the world's worst communicator.

And he says you "can't tell him that he can't hang out with her anymore"? So he plans to do this again, and without you?

This sounds like passive-aggressive behavior. He has turned it around and made it YOUR fault if he sees her again, because you were awful enough to forbid it. Even if you didn't actually do any such thing. He gets to do what he wants and blame you.

What other problems are in your marriage that he would feel he needs to cold-call some old "friend," then rub your face in the great time he had, then announce that he has the right to see her again? Sounds like there are other underlying, bigger issues here - at least on his side. He's out to push you into something. What is it?

I can't speak for your husband, obviously I don't have his full side of the story, but based on what you're posting here you feel threatened by a woman you never met and are upset that your husband doesn't get that, right?
There's almost nothing more unattractive to a man than a jealous insecure woman. Don't be that.
I would schedule a date night soon. It sounds like the two of you need to go out and have some fun. Too bad if he doesn't want to ask his parents or pay a sitter, just do it! Sometimes you have to make the call. Men are usually happy to fall in a rut of spending the weekend on the couch watching countess hours of sports, make sure you get his butt up off the couch sometimes and go have some fun. Play pool, go bowling, go see a raunchy comedy. Then come home and...you know ;)
Seriously, if you are happy and laughing and having a great time together you've got nothing to worry about. MOST men are not cheaters, it takes work to sneak around, they've got to be pretty miserable at home to be driven to that place.

For starters, he did not hide this from you. He easily could have.

Why haven't you met this ex if they are friends. You are his wife so I see no reason to be insecure about that.

You both need to prioritize your couple time. If you can't get a sitter every week and dedicate yourselves to that then do it every 2 weeks or so. It is critical to have alone time with hubby.

We've had date night weekly for almost 25 yrs. we made it a priority. You don't have to do a lot of activities that cost money.... Simple walking alone is good for you both.

I'm out of town now and my hubby is home alone. No he's not hitting the town but he is playing a couple extra rounds of golf, etc and some things he enjoys doing when I'm not around. When he's out of town, I do my thing to. It works for us because we both know who's in the bed with each other at night.. Us.

honestly, I'd want to kick him in the balls. Sorry for being soooo offensive!

But that's my honest answer: going out is one thing, but contacting a former girlfriend is just asking for trouble. It was a deliberate action on his part.

All the people in the world....& he chose her. Yep, I'd be thinking "betrayal". Conversely, if he had discussed this prior, I wouldn't be upset. :)

Do you trust your husband?

Does your husband trust you?

Are you honest with your husband?

Is your husband honest with you?

Is honesty important to you?

These are the main questions with this situation.
He was honest about what went on.

You became upset, which is fine, but to continue to punish him for being honest, that is not fair.

Come to a mutual agreement that it is over, how it made you feel, what you would like for him to do in the future. Then allow him to tell you what he feels and what he will do in the future, then you accept what you each say and move on.

You 2 are adults and are allowed to make your own choices. You are also allowed to speak about how it makes you feel, but you are not each others owner.

And FYI, he does not want to ask his parents to watch the children, then you ask them. He does not like paying a sitter, then you pay the sitter. Quit letting him run the show. You are the mama, you have as much power over this household and family as he does. Act like it without all of this wasted emotion. This situation should make you feel stronger, not less in control. He was honest, so now you go and get what you need and want.

Stop these reindeer games and be actual partners. No one owns anyone. You all are equals.

I am sending you strength.

If you want to save your marriage you two NEED date nights without children on a regular basis, maybe once a month. As someone else said you be a grown up and hire a sitter or ask his parents. Try to nicely talk him into it, if that fails tell him it's date night each month or marriage counseling. Keep your emotions in check, he sounds very very immature so you need to be extra mature to make this marriage work. Don't say we need counseling cuz you're a jerk (though this might be true, he is the father of your children and you need to try really hard to stay married) say we need counseling cuz I love you very much and want our marriage to last for ever.

As adults we all make our own choices. He made his. If he had gone out with his friends(male), I would get that but what he did was choose to hook up with a female friend and flaunt it. Does he want a reaction from you? How could he not be making a staement with his actions sbout the current state of your marriage.
Start your conversation with him, alone, without kids present. Ask him if he is happy and satisfied with your marriage...not family, but with your marriage. Even print this question with the responses to see what his thoughts are. Ask him if he wishes to go to counseling because if he thinks this other woman was so great it bothers you and you need help with weeding through this.

I'm pretty sure this was really not appropriate. He only did it because he was acting like a bachelor for a week while you were gone.
He told you about it figuring being honest before someone else told you about it would be in his favor. He was trying to relieve his own guilt and is trying to make you out to be "jealous". ABSURD!
He needs to tell you he was wrong, or you probably arent going to get over it any time soon.

Red flags everywhere! What your husband did was wrong. Maybe he's setting the stage for leaving or having more guys nights out. I would not be happy with the man. "Trumps things".....Really?

Make sure all your paperwork is in good order and then tell him what you will and will NOT put up with. He owes you one big apology.

Let me ask you this: would you rather not know? Because your coming down on him when he openly and honestly told you about it is going to ensure that he won't tell you in the future. He doesn't take you out much because of the babysitting issue with the kids (we're in the same boat -- no family or regular babysitters). But you had the kids with you, so why not go out? He chose you, not her, to be with, and he was honest with you and didn't try to hide anything. I would thank him for being so honest, apologize for being jealous (because he hasn't given you reason to distrust him, right?) and then explain that it's because you love him so much and you know how attractive he is that you'd hate to worry about any competition. And believe me, I'd be bothered, too -- but really, a lot of men wouldn't even tell their wives if that scenario took place. Unless you think he was trying to make you jealous by telling you, I think he deserves some props for honesty, and a big Happy Father's Day.

ETA: and by the way, with my husband, I wouldn't tell him whom he couldn't see, but I would ask him to respect my feelings that it makes me uncomfortable and ask if we could get together as a couple with her to help me feel better.

I 100% agree with candice M. below. I'd be livid. My DH just said "Oh He's still alive?! You would have already buried me by now. ;)"

I would be fuming! He should not be going out with other girls unless it's a family member! Who cares if he knew her before you. You are married and he should not have done that.

I would be upset as well and I'm not the jealous type. Right now I have a male friend from high school working in my town for about 6 months. The friend asked if he and I could go out to dinner sometime. I asked my husband if he would be ok with me going out to dinner w/ him and he said he kinda was not ok, and suggested lunch or coffee. My husband asked if I would be ok with he going out to dinner with a female friend from hs and I think I would be uncomfortable with it. so that and out of respect for my husband, I told my friend lunch or coffee would be fine.

Your husband is a married and a family man and in my opinion it is inappropriate to be going out at night and partying it up with a female friend, especially one that he used to be attracted to, especially when you're out of town.

Ummm, jealous is a valid emotion here. And your hubby can't just write off your jealousy. Maybe he overreacted because he did not want to own up to having made a poor judgement call. I'd be annoyed and would want to lay some ground rules when both of you have calmed down. Just let him know that if he want to meet up with girls that he has known before, but that you haven't met, then you want to be there too. And tell him that you want to have fun going out too, so how about you find a babysitter so you can go out together.

And the "having known her before you" logic sounds very high school. He needs guidance on what you are comfortable with.

Probably you do not hear about what a great time he had when the two of you go out because it doesn't occur to him to recap a night that you both shared.

Oh I think he went WAAAAY over the line. If he doesn't want to go out because he doesn't want to pay a sitter, then how come he couldn't do something like this when you were in town? I'd ask him that. I mean, you would be at home watching the kids, right? I would not feel right about this at all, I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't know exactly what you can do about it, but I wouldn't keep quiet about it at all. Hope everything turns out OK for you though, and he was really just hanging out with old friends.

His reaction to your reaction is questionable. Why would he freak out? Ask him to switch roles. How would he feel if you went out and met up with an old guy friend who you had the hots for? My guess, he will say it wouldn't bother him that much and he would be lying. Do you trust him?

You need to discuss this with him calmly.

Tell him you're sorry you got upset and he deserves to have fun while you're out of town. Seeing an old flame once doesn't mean anything.

But if he sees her AGAIN any time soon, THEN you've got a problem.

And no, I personally would not be upset about one time, once a year or so. But more than that with an old flame who he has lots in common with is a bad idea.

I would be BEYOND livid. He purposely acted like he wasn't going to do anything and then once you are GONE, he calls up an old secret crush and actually goes OUT with her??!! OH.HELL.NO. I would be laying down the law about this lickity-split and he would NOT be having any contact with her, simple as that. He's playing with fire and he's going to get burned. More than anything, he's being disrespectful to you as his wife and mother of his kids. Its not that I would not trust my husband, but I would not trust HER. There is no reason for him to be in contact with her. Good luck.

No, this wasn't right. NO, I do not see you as being insecure. I wonder how many women would like this to happen to them that claim you're being insecure about this.

It sounds like he's trying to justify it by telling you about it and getting mad at you for being jealous. I don't think it's bad for you to be upset, but he probably sincerely thinks he did nothing wrong.
I'm kind of speaking from experience, because I have done that sort of thing before. I was dating someone and yet I would always go and talk to another guy, who was just a friend of mine, but I did have some feelings for him. I would justify it because I figured that my boyfriend has no right to tell me who I can or cannot hang out with, but in reality I just wasn't being honest with myself. I ended up dating this guy who was "just a friend" after me and the other guy broke up.
Again, it sounds like he really believes, or is at least convincing himself that he did nothing wrong. I think you should ask him to really think about what his feelings are about this girl and if there is even the slightest bit of feelings there, he shouldn't be hanging out with her when you are not around. He should also take into account more of the way that the situation makes you feel and instead of making you feel guilty for being upset, he should be worrying about really reassuring you that it's not like that. Old friends are one thing, but maintaining a healthy marriage trumps that for sure.
Good luck.

Hmm, well, yes I'd be super annoyed/pissed off! But, I have to say I think at least part of your anger was a side effect of how irritated you were that he was out having fun and you weren't. Plus, you mentioned how you guys never go out together and then as soon as you're gone, he's out partying it up! Personally, I think that's what your most pissed about. It sounds like you feel like he isn't putting your needs or the needs of you two as a couple before his own needs and that is upsetting. AND THEN, he calls up some other random girl and whammo, you're in full on crazy mode. Oh yeah, I'd be there too!

If this is how you feel I think I'd maybe present it to him just like that. Go through your train of thought and your feelings. Maybe once he sees how you're looking at it, it might make his take pause. It's not entirely about him not hanging out with this girl, although that's part of it, it's more about feeling like a priority and getting to "have fun" too.

Also, maybe encourage him to invite her out to hang out with both of you so that you can meet her. Maybe when you see them together you'll get a better idea of their friendship.

In the end, I don't think you are wrong, but clearly your approach isn't working. Try talking it out, explaining your side of the story and insist on more couple time for the two of you, basically force the babysitter issue at least once a month, more if you can swing it.

Sounds like a few separate issues:
1.) the two of you don't have any social time alone together (a.k.a. - date night) when you can be an adult couple vs. mom & dad. You need that, and you have a right to insist on that. Tell him you've hired a babysitter and will be going out on such and such evening. In the meantime, rent the movie "date night" and enjoy it together after the kids go to bed.
2.) Your husband's actions made you jealous, and it sounds like that was what he intended. Personally, I don't blame you for being jealous, but the truth is that the actual threat is probably more in your mind than in reality. YOU probably see your husband as more attractive and more of a catch than any other woman out there does. So, in your mind, these probably want him, and the reality is that they probably do not want him in a sexual way. If something were going to happen with the girl from high school, it would've happened a long, long time ago and not once he complicated it with marriage and kids. He's kept in touch with her...if he were going to mess around with her, he would have already quietly done so. There's a reason that it never happened. I have male friend who are married and with whom I might have a few drinks when their spouse were out of town and think nothing of it. I'd feel awful if their wives were jealous about that and would also be insulted at the insinuation about my own morals. When their wives aren't around, we laugh about old timjes, talk about our families and things going on in our lives. And, they will alk about their wives, too...not griping about their wives' shortcomings but about things they admire, spend time doing, etc. A happily married man shares stories and info about his famjily life that that let the world know he's a happily married man. I'm betting that the evening out was totally platonic. A man who is going to screw around is NOT a man who calls his wife and tells her about hanging out in a bar until 2a.m. with a female friend. A man who is going to screw around doesn't advertise it...he does so quietly and with no mention of a female friend.
3.) There are priority and trust issues. Your husband felt the need to make you jealous, and you did so, Then he tried to invalidate your feelings. His top prioriity after God should be you, then your kids. If you were upset by his actionds, he should've been able to discuss that like an adult vs. claiming some old friend that he probably hadn't seen for years has a more important relationship standing than his wife.

I like to read history and biography, and I just remembered reading something about Confederate general Robert E. Lee. Mrs. Lee was rather an invalid and didn't travel much, but he would write to her about where he was and what had happened of interest. So when a very charming Southern lady turned every ounce of her charm on him, finally inviting him to (gasp!) view the potato patch with her by moonlight, he enjoyed her flirtatiousness, turned her down - and told the whole tale to his wife by letter.

Don't act jealous, even if you feel that way (and you write as if you do). Jealousy indicates insecurity. Are you secure in his love? Your husband may be testing you here, whether he knows it or not. Don't tell him petulantly that he can't hang out with the old girlfriend any more. He's your husband, not your son. Just tell him you're glad he enjoyed himself - sort of - and from now on he gets to hang out with YOU! Then make him glad he's married to you and not anybody else.

Yes, you have a right to be angry. I would be angry too. Your husband's reaction sounds childish to me. My guess is that he knows he was wrong, but he doesn't want to admit it. It doesn't help that his guy friend probably strongly encouraged the meet up.

This is definitely something you two should talk through, hopefully with the help of a neutral third party. You don't want to go out of town again without setting clear expectations with each other. Good luck to you, and I'm sorry this happened.

He gets a few points for telling you about it. If they had just run into each other, it would have been okay.

BUT he loses mega points for texting her and inviting her to come join him. How is it that he has her number in his phone and you've not met her? He also was taking WAY too much pleasure in this, and rubbing your nose in the fact that he had a ton of fun without you, and did something he'll never do with you (i.e. go out). And the "trump" remark is just plain disrespectful.

I think there's a huge maturity issue on his part, and a trust issue on both your parts. Are your religious differences a problem that you haven't fully dealt with? I think it's interesting that you cited this woman's religion - 2 high school crushes probably didn't discuss this a lot, but here it is looming over the situation.

He needs to face up to his joy in being young and "single" and unencumbered. It's okay to yearn for the days before the kids and the freedom that entailed, but only if both of you are talking about it.

I agree with the role reversal thing. Or suggest that this woman be invited over to your house to meet the whole family! If he balks at that, you've got a problem!!

Get a sitter and go out. Who is he to refuse to pay for this? YOU set it up as a belated father's day gift, and go out. Go listen to a different type of music - maybe you'll enjoy it. Both of you could expand your horizons a bit - try something new and exciting, and have fun TOGETHER!

If he refuses and you feel you are back in the boring rut of never having fun together, then you need to work with a counselor to work thru these issues. There's more under the surface.

Slippery slope here, I have to say. Calling you jealous and getting mad, jumping the gun putting words in your mouth that you didn't say, is a red flag. (A big red flag.) He won't go out with YOU because he doesn't want to have a babysitter, so he doesn't have fun with you. He went out with her and "buds" and had a blast and now that's going to be an itch he wants to scratch.

I feel sorry for you because he has opened a Pandora's box and you are bearing the brunt of it. You had better demand that you have a babysitter and go out with friends (not her) and have fun with him too. I wouldn't be going to see any family without him for the foreseeable future if I were you, I am sorry to say.

Good luck,
Dawn

I would be very suspicious. Then again husbands and wives are not supposed to succumb to jealousy that easily. On the other hand, I don't agree with that men and women can just be friends. There is always something else there.

I think guys and girl can be friends. I have a long time friend (we met in kindergarden) who is a guy. We are both married but haven't really talked that much over the past couple years. He use to have a thing for me (Something I didn't know till I got engaged) My husband has told me that he has no problem me hanging out with him if he is in town (He lives 11 hrs away). That being said If his wife told me she was not comfortable with me hanging out with him, then I would understand and not do it. Yes I have been friends with him a long long time, but no one should be more important then your marriage, and if your hubby does not feel this way you have every right to be upset.

Men are so ......... I would be just as mad as you. He had to take the time to look up her number and what made him think of her. Sorry but thats what I would be thinking. And why does he get to decide if you cannot have a babysitter or not. Couples need to go out together! And YES you can tell him not to hang out with an other women! I am by nature a jealous one so this would be huge for me.

I would feel the same as you. It sounds almost like he waited until you weren't around to hang out with this friend. I would be bothered by that as well as the way that you said he rarely wants to go out with you. If he had introduced you before it wouldn't seem so shady. I would also be very upset by the comment that his knowing her before you trumps things. You are his wife, your relationship should certainly come first. I personally would demand that it does. I hope he realises that this makes him seem less than trustworthy.

How would your husband feel if you did the same thing? Would he be upset? Ask him how he'd feel about that if you hung out with your ex when he was out of town and told him about the great time you had out with your ex, one of your girlfriends and your ex's guy friends.

I would be PISSED! I dont think my husband would have the balls to do that.... i am like Michelle M. My hubby would be buried.

So odd that he chose when you were away.

Date nights really are important. I know it is hard to have them as often as we would like. But, you need one STAT! Get dressed in something that makes you feel sexy and go have fun. Show your husband that you can still have fun together. He needs to see what he saw when you were dating. Mothering and being a wife are fine... but i believe a husband needs to be reminded that we are still sexy and we still have it ;)

When I have gone out of town without my husband, he has done some questionable things that he normally wouldn't do. My take on it is that he missed me so much that it clouded his judgement.

Well, does he normally hang out with her when you're not out of town? If not, then I'm not saying he did anything shady, but it would be considered sketchy behavior, at least to me. I think you have a right to be upset, personally. I doubt he'd be cool with you doing the same thing if he were out of town.

I mean, doesn't he have any male friends? Why would he choose the one time you're out of town to party with a female from his past?

Oh he was wrong. Very wrong. And the fact that he is so defensive about it makes me wonder if he knows he was wrong but doesn't want to admit it.

I agree with the posts that give him props for telling you. I disagree with him for saying that it "trumps" things because he knew her before you were married. You have every right to be not okay with this. I would not be okay with it either!

I love Retta's advice. Run it by him in reverse and see if he realizes how bad this whole scenario sounds. Please give us an update after you talk to him! Good luck!

Cool....you text one of your old flames and go hang out! If it is good for the goose it is good for the gander. See how he likes it. It is wrong and you have every right to be upset and jealous. I've been here done this and it sucks. Don't care what the other answers are. These kind of actions can lead to emotional affairs which are just as harmful to a marriage as physical ones. Definitely an issue that needs to be dealt with. Good luck!

Hi. He went over the line. You two need marriage counseling or he would be sneaking around behind your back. churches have counselors who have low rates. I A friend of mine paid $25.00 at the catholic charities for counseling sessions. Check your yellow pages for help. Keep a copy of all credit card statements and phone records especially cell phone bills. I wish you the best of luck.

It would piss me off too. Its not appropriate behavior for a married man to hang out with other women when his wife is not around. My husband and I just had an argument about this. He wanted to go to the casino with his friend and his friend's girlfriend (much younger girlfriend, I might add). I had never met the girl and I didn't feel it was appropriate. I wasn't a jealousy or trust issue- I just feel that it would give people the wrong idea and that him being out with another girl might draw the wrong kind of attention. I totally get what you're saying and I would have been really mad too. You are justified in the way you feel.

You are quite right to be upset by this. If she is a "friend" then why havn't you met her. He is wrong and he knows it and is acting defensive because of it. If I were you I would say ok fine-lets all meet this friend as a family. And insist on inviting her over. I would also organize a girls night for this weekend because you could use a night out yourself. Leave it up to his imagination what happens that night but make sure to have a "blast".

Are you jealous, yes. Are you justified, well, that's a loaded question. You have a right to be upset, but I don't think it's about what happened while you were out of town. I think hubby saw a chance to let his hair down and fell back to what/who was most comfortable. Shame on him, that she was female...

In my opinion, you should be upset that your partner, your best friend, and your lover, doesn't place a priority on taking you out for a good time. Hold his feet to the fire - you're worth it!

Of course, if there are other indicators that hubby is leading a double life, then you shouldn't need us to tell you that your rage is justified...