Family Issues... - Culpeper,VA

Just tell her you two can spend some girl time together and then tomorrow you can spend time with all of them. Unless she's is totally unreasonable she should be good with that.

Well why don't you and she join his family and spend time with everyone. Seems like the easy and simple solution here.

Your mom can't spend just one day with her daughter alone? Really now, I think you're actually part of the drama here.

Compromise and tell your hubby to bring himself and your son home early the next morning. Grandma will have plenty of time with both of them.

Your husband shouldn't have to "welcome" your mom by hurrying back from his own family. You are the welcome wagon here. Enjoy each other and don't make it look to your mother like there is something wrong with spending mother/daughter time together. Tell her that "John and Johnny" will be back the next day, and let's go have some girl time together.

That is my advice...

My short answer: kids need their cousins. Let the guys have their day with his family and know that tomorrow your mom and little guy will get to connect.

What's at stake for you, here? I have to ask this because you sound very worried about protecting your mom's feelings. You say your mom is sensitive, however, I'll must ask: Is it healthy that your moms feelings should trump your son having a day with his cousins and your husband having a day with his family, esp. if they are going to be available in the other days while she is here? Isn't this a lot of walking on eggshells to avoid mom being upset? I mean, if I were in your husband's shoes, I don't know how happy I would be to have to attend my MIL despite other plans in order to make sure her feelings aren't hurt.... I can't imagine it would improve matters between them.

Put a great spin on it is my suggestion: "Mom! I'm so glad I get to have you to myself today! We can go have an uninterrupted lunch and (whatever else you two enjoy doing together)." Unless you or your mom are planning on causing drama, there simply doesn't have to be any drama at all. Only if people are bent on creating it. :) Healthy people would be fine with this situation. Good luck!

And I wouldn't press the issue, because all your husband is going to hear is "my mom is more important than your family".... really. There isn't any other way to slice it.

Tell your mom "Oh mom, I sent hubby and child away for the first night because I REALLY wanted some alone time with you before all your attention gets eaten up! Can we go out to dinner? What fun thing should we do? I'm SO glad we get to hang out together - I've really missed you!"

That's what I would tell my mom...and it would be ALL TRUE! I'd be *psyched* to hang with my mom WITHOUT anyone else around!

Not really your husband or child's fault grandma is sensitive. Sorry but if it is the end all be all that she be welcomed to town but the laying of palms by all members of the family you may want to add self important to that description.

I would never make my kids leave early to placate my mother. She is the adult and should act like one.

Guess what I am saying is your mom is the one creating drama, not your husband. Maybe it is time you stood up to her.

I'm sorry - I am with your husband on this one.

Enjoy the time with your mom today. It's not like she will be here TODAY ONLY. IF she is going to be here for a few days - ENJOY your time with your mom...take her and get a pedicure...go out for a nice lunch....

IF she was only going to be in town TODAY - then I would say - yeah - they should stick around. However, IF she will be a few days??? GO! Have fun with your mom!!!

Why are you not doing mom/daughter time and then hooking up with his family so everyone's together for a while? Is there a history or something where the in-laws don't get along? If yes, that's a separate issue and you have to deal with that.

Otherwise, your mom will be in town and see her grandson and son in law when everyone gets home tonight. Why is "I didn't see them when I got here" vs. a few hours later even important?

There is NO drama if it's not created. Unless your husband is INTENDING to be mean, then it shouldn't be taken as being mean. If he is just coordinating family visiting, then mom needs to take it as it is. If SHE makes it a drama, it's her drama and THAT needs to be shut down. It isn't your hubby's job to cater to her feelings if those feelings aren't rational.

I have a sister like this, who takes EVERYTHING personally. I will make some concessions, but it is exhausting, and a no win situation and not fair to others.

Just say - "Hi Mom - us time. We'll meet up with the boys at dinner. Yay - just us girls!"

While your son plays with his cousins, make the day special for mom. Take her out to lunch, maybe get a manicure (or whatever she may enjoy) take a nice walk somewhere and grab a cup of tea or coffee.. talk, laugh, have some fun... Then she can have her grandson all to herself the next day, How about having him write a card to her, saying I can't wait to see you grandma and I love you... have him draw a picture and add that as well, This way, you can give it to her over lunch..

Enjoy the time with your mom and let hubby hang with his family for the day. I myself love days with my mom

it's only a day. She will still see her grandchild, and your son will get to play with his cousins. There is no reason they should have to leave to welcome your mom. She is causing the issue here, in my opinion.

Let hubby and son have the day with his family. The next day hubby and son will be with you and your mom.

It might be time to desensitize yourself from mom's feelings. You are both grown women and need to act like that. No one likes to walk around on eggshells in their own home. Mom is going to have to learn to take a back seat to some things in order to get along.

Take this time to have a good talk with mom without the boys being there to interrupt and explain how things are. If she gets upset about it, there is a plane or bus coming sooner in the picture. No one should control another person and the only person who can make you happy is you.

There is always counseling to get through any lingering issues from childhood.

Good luck to your family.

the other S.

I agree with your husband. Why does she need them to "welcome her." Is twelve hours really going to make a difference. Let your son spend time with his cousins. Enjoy time with your mother!!!!

Well, is she there for a few days or isn't she? Because that makes a difference in my reply. If she is, you are the one creating the drama and need to chill out. If she's there for exactly one day, then your son should come home so he can see his grandmother.

The kids already have plans. Surely your mom can understand that. If she was just passing through then the kids should be there.

I do think your mom might appreciate having time to unpack, go to the bathroom, maybe even take a shower, and sit down to take a breath before being bombarded by grand kids.

I think this plan is fine. If mom is hurt then she needs to understand that something came up and she can see them the next day.

Now if he was going to keep them away the whole time he'd be in the doghouse.

Maybe you and your mom can stop by for a bit so she can see your son and then go and do your own thing. It's only natural for her to want to see him, but I bet she wants to see you, too. I really treasure that time with my mom. Usually when we see each other there are kids around who demand our attention. We don't always get to have a real conversation. For my birthday recently I had lunch with my mom one day and lunch with my MIL another day. It was so nice to have an adult conversation without interruptions!

"Also, I realize that hubby and my mom don't see eye to eye, but can't we all just enjoy the few days without any drama?!"

When you say they don't see eye to eye, do you mean in this situation, or this is true in general?

If it's just this situation, I would encourage you to make the best of it and talk to your husband about how you would like to handle things next time.

If it's always true in general, then the answer is no, they probably can't just enjoy this time together. If they don't really get a long, then they are not just going to magically enjoy being with each other. They will, however, probably suck it up and put on their "happy faces" because they love you!

Enjoy your time with your mom! And enjoy the time the two of you share with your son. Focus on enjoying whatever time you have with them, and try not to think about what you're not doing.

How long is SIL in town for? Just today? If so, your mom can wait since she is in town for a few days. Hubby and son are already with SIL so it would be rude to make them run to meet your mom when you can do that alone. Just tell your mom that you wanted to spend some mother daughter time with her before the boys get back. Have lunch, talk, go do something together.

Now, if they are both in town for the same time frame it might work better to have everyone over to your home (but then son is gonna want to play with the cousins and not pay attention to gma and since she's sensitive, that may be more hurtful to her than waiting a day to see him).

Boss Fan is right -- if SIL is here today only, let your son see her. Plan something special for you and your mom that you simply could not do with your son in tow -- does she like manicures? A really nice meal at a really nice (no-kids) restaurant? Tell her it's a special treat for just you adults and that tomorrow she can have 100 percent of grandson's attention. Then be sure she DOES have that, tomorrow.

You do not say if SIL is here the one day or several days. If the latter, that could be a problem, but you need to get your husband on board to agree that if today you and grandma do something, then tomorrow son is all grandma's. How often does SIL turn up? If it's more often than your mom visits, then grandma trumps SIL -- tomorrow, not today.

Bigger issue alert: You have a sensistive mom and what sounds like a kind of stubborn husband. Talk with him, when this particular situation is over, about how you and he will handle these little time conflicts in the future, because it will indeed happen again sometime. You cannot spend your life worrying about making sensitive mom upset, but you also can't have him bulldozing one side of the family in favor of the other side, either. Planning ahead and telliing everyone the plan in advance would help. I know SIL's arrival was unexpected or you could have planned better this time!

Can you all meet up for lunch or dinner? Or can you invite them all over to your home?

ETA: Wait, is she only here for ONE day per year, or will she be around for a few days? If it's only one day, you have to share the day. If it is more days, let your son be with your husband and his cousin today. And don't pout about it.

I totally get what you're saying - as long as your husband is for sure going to be there tomorrow, I wouldn't be too upset. I would explain to your mom the situation and enjoy some quiet time with just your mom for a little while. Is there anything around town you want to show your mom?

I've had to deal with this as we do not live close to anyone on my side of the family. When my parents would visit, I usually just took advantage of this time to show them photos, enjoy a quiet cup of coffee, etc., before hubby would come back with the kids.

Try and just go with the flow to avoid a feud!!

Good luck!!!

This is all about one day, right?

Why not split the day up? Your son has a morning playdate with his cousins, and he seems grandma in the afternoon.....

Can't you just enjoy having some alone time with your mom and spending time with her all together tomorrow? I think you are creating unnecessary drama.

My answer really differs depending on a lot of things you haven't stated. You see your Mom only once a year, how often is his sister in town? Are they here for more than one day? Or is today the only day? I think his family is important as well, but if you see the cousins often (like they come into town often) i can see your point more.

I do agree that your Mom needs to act less sensitive and more like an adult, but that's not really something YOU can make her do.

I think a fair compromise is to have them come home a bit sooner, or have everyone over.

Again, my answer REALLY changes based on the questions i had.

Hi, H.:

You are right as far as doing the right thing.
You are in the middle but you need to set some boundaries.
What was discussed between your husband and you about your mother's visit?

What were the expectations when she came to see y'all?

If you didn't set up some expectations,, or didn't know your mom was coming, then, she has to accept the consequences of her unannounced visit.

If you did set up some expectations, then your husband has to keep his word, or he will have some consequences to deal with.

As far as you s-I-l, that is a different story. She is not part of the arrangement so your husband can connect with her as time permits.

Your mom will have to accept the fact that life is not perfect and don't make excuses.

Enjoy your mom.
Good luck.
D.

what a klutz-if my son-in-law did that to me-I'd finally open my mouth and say something to him

Let your husband and children finish their time with their plans. Spend some alone time first with your mother and sister. Consider it bonding time. It's not time lost or wasted for your mother just because your husband and children wouldn't be there.

Your husband is right, and no compromises are required. You don't need to make sure that all of your mother's demands are met, you know. You're an adult with a family of your own that has its own routine, schedule, and another half to the family. Your husband's side of the family is just as important even if you see them more frequently.