Me and my husband have been married for almost two years. The first thanksgiving and Christmas we spent with my in laws. Thanksgiving wasn't bad but Christmas was a nightmare. My mil is an alcoholic and addicted to prescription pills among other things. Basically she is just a lot of drama any time of the year. Christmas was pretty bad.
This year it was my husbands idea that we would spend thanksgiving and Christmas with just us and our daughter, at our house and if people wanted to come they could. I don't have much family here so holidays are usually spent with my in laws. Well my mother in law doesn't like this and wants us to to come to her house and doesn't want to come to our house for thanksgiving.
My husband said he didn't care and we were doing our thing. Whoever wants to come great and if not great. Even though he says this, there's this nagging voice in my head that's making me feel bad, because it is my husbands mom and siblings and I feel when thanksgiving comes, my husband will be sad that he's not with his family.
I would love to make thanksgiving dinner for the first time. But I also don't want my husband to resort to not going to see his family on a holiday. Or be bored with just us three.
At the end of the day I knew what I was getting myself into marrying him. Family and all. I told him I don't mind going but he said he wants no drama this year with holidays and is fine with us doing our thing.
Should I leave it alone and believe him when he says it's okay to stay home, or offer again that it's okay if we spend thanksgiving with his mom? We did offer to have her over here but she's insisting that she wants to do it at her house.
I like these answers. I just didn't want my husband to regret his decision and be bored or something. but instead of doubting I should believe what he says. Thanks guys!
Thank you again for all the kind answers. It took awhile to get my husband to realize his mom is drama, but I think now that we are a family with a little one he gets it. Thanks again, and hope you all have a great thanksgiving!
My guess?
Husband is sick of the drama and addiction/dependency that goes on there, and he not only has an "excuse" to stay home (he has his own family and starting new traditions) but ALSO has a REASON: Dad is protecting his child from the aforementioned drama/addiction. Yay DAD!!
Sounds like you have a great husband, willing to set the necessary boundaries. Be Thankful. And stay home. :)
I agree that you should believe him. He's a grown man who sounds like he knows how to set good boundaries, which is really important for someone who has a parent who it an addict. Remember, he's known her his entire life and is probably sick of the drama and is ready to start new, healthy traditions with his "new" family, which is great! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving at home - enjoy!
My husband is pretty estranged from his family.
He gets along great with his parents, but the rest of the family, not so much. It's not at they hate each other or anything... There is just quite a bit if tension over some events that happened in the past.
He always hated going to his family's for holidays. It always made me feel guilty, and kind of sad because if how crazy close MY family is.
Eventually, I realized that it is HIS family, and that it really wasn't fair to try to guilt him into going only to be stressed out. (That's pretty much what I was doing...) I decided to stop pressing the issue, and we stopped going. Honestly, we have a MUCH better time without them! Lol. After experiencing that first stress-free holiday, I never pushed again. (That said, we did make a point of visiting individual members around the season... Maybe take a pie and visit a bit over that. Just not the full-blown dinner and whole family.)
Now, we live very far out of state so it is a nonissue. :)
Please leave this alone. Your husband is sick and tired of his mother's drama and trying to guilt him into putting up with it. Respect his wishes and stay home. Enjoy yourself and let your daughter enjoy herself.
You have your answer. He doesn't want to go and you want to make dinner. So stay home. Why do you feel guilty about it?
Get over feeling guilty!
It's wonderful being in your own home for the holidays!
You can relax and unwind and just have fun!
You can enjoy watching the traffic report while in your pajamas and not being in the middle of it!
He won't be bored and neither will you.
His Mom can dramatize to the max and you and Hubby will be well out of it!
Your husband is the one that made the suggestion and decision. It looks like he is tired of the drama, too.... Don't feel guilty.....
It is time for you to create your own traditions and memories.... if you want, invite friends over to share the holiday! Find people you LIKE to be around to help share your holidays!
Leave it. Your husband has already said what was on his mind about it..I wouldn't even go for a couple of hours.
Leave it alone. Trust me, I know this situation well. Your husband is probably relieved.
Be thankful that your husband wants a peaceful holiday without the drama. My only suggestion might be that you invite a person or two who you know may be alone for the holiday - a neighbor or friend who doesn't have family close by. We've enjoyed the company of such guests over the years along with our respective families. Somehow focusing on entertaining someone who might otherwise be alone might take your mind off the drama you're missing.
Start your own traditions. Believe him. Enjoy YOUR FAMILY. He is enjoying his :) There is no "perfect" holiday.
If, on the day, he seems to regret the choice, then just head on over.
Leave it alone. If hubby is ok with it, you should be too.
We stay home for Thanksgiving. Late in the evening, we go over to my in-laws to have desert and coffee.
Believe what your husband is telling you and stay home. Make your holidays incredible.
Men rarely say things they don't feel to please others. That's a problem with many women. Your husband said he wants to stay home and avoid drama, so that's what he wants to do. Trust him.
If you are worried he'll be bored (why? HE chose to be home with you instead of dragging you into drama), then get out of the house! Prepare things in advance (cook turkey the day before!) and in the morning of Thanksgiving day, get the heck out of the house. Play outside with your child if weather permits. Or--Many museums actually are open on Thanksgiving day now. Find a museum or other interesting place that is open! Look in the local paper's weekend activities listings, or go online. USE the day to be together as a family. Then come home and he and daughter help you fix lunch.
I would definitely not sit around the house all day, tensely wondering "Will anyone turn up? What if MIL turns up? What if she's drunk/high and angry?"
I would come up with great plans, then get husband excited about them, and HE (not you, he) should contact anyone who said they might come by and say you'll be out until after time X. Do not sit around waiting and wondering and staring at each other and the walls, or getting all worked up over whether the mashed potatoes are perfect or the turkey will be done on time.
Heck, I would just order a fulll meal (tons of grocery stores do that now-- you have to pre-order, do not wait until Wednesday!) to save myself stress and so we could go out and DO something fun, even if it's a long walk and throwing a ball around. You're in California; the weather should cooperate. And more places are open than you realize.
Be very, very grateful that you have a husband who refuses to make you feel guilty for not going to see his family. Be grateful he is a guy who knows that it is not wrong or bad simply to say, "MY family -- the one I chose to make, not the one I was born into -- comes first." Treasure that. I"m not sure why you feel you and your child would bore him--? Or why you feel any obligation at all to give MIL your presence at the holidays?
Your family is your husband and child. If MIL cannot behave, she doesn't get to see you. Do not waste mental energy on brooding about whether you "should" see his family. He made the right choice. Now work with him to make your OWN family traditions. There is no law dictating you must see relatives on Thanksgiving if you find them horrid.
Take a pie over in the evening and stay for a cup of coffee. 45 minutes, in and out.
Wow, do you have any idea how many hundreds of women come on this site year after year completely upset over their husband's lack of boundaries with the drama MIL????
You are a blessed and lucky woman and perhaps setting this boundary with his own mom is the move he needs to make to create some peace for once.
I suggest you honor his wishes. Eat, drink and be merry together without alcoholic MIL.
How far away do they live? Go over for dessert and coffee, the next day.
I'd do Thanksgiving dinner at your house and then head to her house for dessert. A few hours shouldn't be too unbearable, should it? And I'm guessing that your daughter would like to see her grandma, aunts and uncles and any cousins who'd be there.
Your Husband, is an adult and is making up his own mind... with HIS own nuclear family.
What is wrong, with only having Thanksgiving with husband and your child?
There is nothing wrong, with that.
And if others want to join you or not, fine.
OR you also can opt to invite, friends to your home.
Many people do that too.
And, in the future, being you have a child... you WILL have to... consciously safeguard your child... and her exposure to a Grandma that is drug ADDICTED and alcoholic and toxic.
And I would never leave my own child, alone with a relative like that to babysit, unless I was ALSO present.
You CAN make a Thanksgiving dinner for the first time. Regardless if it is just for you and husband and daughter. Or with everyone else.
You NEED to ALSO have your OWN holiday traditions.
Not it having to be reliant on a highly toxic and addicted in law.
Your HUSBAND is saying NO to going to his family's.
Nothing is wrong with that.
Be glad.
Because you could have a Husband, that ONLY wants you and your child to be constantly exposed to your in-laws. And then you would be, really in a bad situation.
Be glad, that your Husband DOES know, that his family is toxic. AND he is creating boundaries... AND your own traditions, as a nuclear family.
You don't have to feel bad.
At all.
It is your Husband's decision toward his own family.
Make your OWN family traditions... with your Husband and daughter.
Be glad, for doing that.
Yes, leave it alone....
Your husband is being *really very healthy* in his choice. He doesn't want to be stuck around mom and her drama. He doesn't want his kid around it. As a matter of fact, without reading previous answers, I'm going to guess that more than one other person besides myself thinks that your husband is being pretty awesome about this.
Were you in a reverse situation, would you feel obligated to bring your husband and child to see your dysfunctional, drunk, rambling and high-drama parent? My hope is that you would rather have that holiday at home than subject your spouse and child to such nonsense.
You would do well, though, to explore your own sense of obligation and find out why you feel that you and your daughter aren't 'enough'. To me, asking him again if he wants to do Thanksgiving with his family sounds like you would actually be creating more drama, something he's trying to avoid.
It sounds, too, like his mom is unwilling to go anywhere other than down the path her booze and drugs take her. It's likely for the best that she is not driving that evening. She sounds controlling, addicted, and immature. Please believe me-- you don't know how lucky you are that your husband is being mature and healthy; I'm sure there are more than a few moms in the world who would be elated if their husbands made the same good choice and spared them (and the kids) all the drama.
Thanksgiving with in laws. Christmas home. Non negotiable. Anyone who,wants to see you is more than welcome to come visit.
I haven't read other responses yet but my advice is to create your own traditions!
We have always lived a plane ticket away from all family ( on purpose!) and it works great.
We have our own Thanksgiving and Christmas with food, etcetera and if anyone would like to join us, they are more than welcome to come spend time with us.
One year when daughter was about 10, we went toy moms for a family reunion at thanksgiving. There was no drama. On the plane ride home my daughter said " mom when we get home can we have our thanksgiving?
We never left again on thanksgiving or Christmas.
Do what's right for you and your family.
Start now by releasing the pressure you might feel to make the perfect holiday.
There's no such thing.
It's your husbands family.
His choice.
You offered.
He stated his preference.
So make it nice & enjoy! :)
Your husband's the one that suggested staying home so stay home and
enjoy it.
Relax, cook the foods you want, he can watch football if that's his thing,
you go at your own pace.
You get to start your own traditions.
Nobody should have to put up with nastiness during the holidays just b/c
they are relatives.
You get a pass honey! Take it!
Maybe have a peaceful dinner at your house and go to your in-laws for an hour or two for coffee and dessert.
The answer is in the middle. Do dinner for your family. And go to their house for dessert and to watch the game/ visit etc. Tell them your starting some family traditions. Maybe your husband is tired of the drama.
Cook your first Thanksgiving dinner, and trust that husband knows his own mind and heart. You have a daughter, so why not start your own traditions? Have fun, and don't stress about what his family will or will not do :)
This was your husband's idea - not yours. You didn't force it on him, did you? If not - go with what he says!
Stop worrying about what other people will think or do. Your husband wants drama free - so be drama free!!
Buy a turkey, get some stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and make a day of it. Start new traditions of your own and have fun!!!
Make your own traditions. If you invite them and they decide not to come, that's their decision.
My family and my husband's family are both nearby. The problem with that is that each have their own traditions and expect us to join in. A few years ago when I was pregnant with our youngest (4 months along) I was still in the throes of morning/daytime sickness and was not up to hosting or cooking Thanksgiving. My grandmother insisted on a traditional meal at someone's house but said I should do it because I was the oldest grandchild with a home and it's my responsibility. My MIL and GranparentsILaws wanted to go to a restaurant. Which didn't appeal to me either? And of course my husband was torn because my oldest at the time was the only grandchild nearby. Well in the end my husband and my daughter went to the restaurant with his family and since everyone was arguing at this point I stayed home and ate beef stew out of a can and napped. Best Thanksgiving ever!
I think that if it is your husband's decision to make you own traditions then go for it. Maybe it will also allow them to see how much the drama drags everyone down and a change may occur
It's great idea to stay home. I went through MANY awful in-law holidays (ditto the alcoholic MIL)before I just didn't care if people hated me and started boycotting. My ex never took my side and always opted for his family's wishes.
When I was a child, we ALWAYS stayed home for Christmas with just my parents. It was SO GREAT!!! We NEVER travelled at Christmas to see grandparents (another state). We had church, Christmas tree, Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning AT HOME IN JAMMIES with no commotion. Then as adults, we started visiting parents at Christmas....which got old after enough years...and when I had my own babies, I so badly wanted to QUIT TRAVELING at Christmas and stay home!!!! Now I'm divorced so I can :)
Count your blessings. Your husband is being AWESOME. Sounds like you're both willing to please the other, so you can change your minds and go, or just go next year, or whatever! Enjoy your family holidays!!!
Good for you! Start a new tradition.
I am estranged from my two sisters. My parents, grandparents and aunts are all deceased. I would hate it if my partner tried to mend family fences for me.
I want my adult son to go to his aunts for holiday dinners and I eat the plates that he brings home, but I cannot stand my sisters' hypocrisy. So again, it's your husband's call.
Whether or not you believe that he will actually enjoy being at home is beside the point. He has told you what he wants and has reiterated that wish when you've tried to sway him otherwise. Maybe he will regret it later. Maybe not. Either way, it's his decision to make, and you must let him walk through his decision. If it doesn't turn out like he hopes, then he'll have the experience of each side--with the mother and without her--to determine his preference for next time.
Now, if you just want to go over there then you should tell him that. Otherwise, stand down and let him make the call and then realize whatever the consequences of said call. He's a grown-up, and he knows his people.
I would talk to your husband and tell him that you agree with not wanting drama but ask if he's sure he doesn't mind not going. If he's sure, let it go. If he's on the fence, suggest that you go on Thanksgiving and stay home on Christmas.
Otherwise, just stand your ground and your inlaws will get the hint.
Honestly, we would go to the family dinner, no matter the drama (we're doing that this year, husband's step-sister making Thanksgiving for the first time and all the step-sibling drama will be going on without their dad (who passed away this year) to mediate) then on Friday we invite over friends and have a second, happy, stress-free Thanksgiving.
Decide together and leave it at that. You can always change the plan for next year.
If I were you, I'd go with what your husband is saying and count my blessings!! I'd be thrilled if my husband ever stood up to his mother!!
You said "my husband will be sad that he's not with his family" - he IS with his family; you and your daughter ARE his family. Start you own tradition - if it's just you three, then that's your new tradition. You've put the invite out there, if you MIL doesn't like it, too bad!!
Have dinner, play games, get a good movie you all can watch together - have a fun and relaxing day!!
Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving!!
EMBRACE it and go with it!!!
I would LOVE to host a holiday in my own home. The one year I tried my MIL and SIL came up w/ the b.s. excuse that were going to start a new "tradition" and help serve the homeless on Thanksgiving, so they would do dinner the weekend after and we were all expected to come. And guess what? They NEVER did it again.........
Since then we have moved over 3 hours away and I STILL have go to her house for holidays. You're lucky. Don't question it!
I think it's perfectly normal to want to be around family at a time like this. If I were in your situation and had family anywhere I'd be saving all year to make that one big trip per year and it would be one or the other of these holidays every year.
If you are this close to their house then I'd say go on Thanksgiving because it's a short day. You go, hang out a bit, then eat. Then you go home. On Christmas you go, hang out, open gifts, hang out some more, cook, eat, hang out more. People come and go all day. So if you're helping out you are stuck all day.
So if you did choose to do one holiday per year at home or at your family's place I'd pick Christmas.
Honestly it's just one year. If he regrets it then you can make adjustments next year; if it is wonderful and stress-free then you keep doing it. Your family is what is most important.
We can't afford the airfare to fly us 1500 miles to be near extended family, so for the past five years I'm the obe digging through the turkeys at the store to find the smallest one to feed just us two adults and two kids. We get a little sad about not being with the grandparents etc for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but we have many of our own traditions that we have developed.
And we actually started doing separate Christmases even before we moved away. Once I and my siblings started having kids, my parents thought it was more important for the kids to be able to awaken in their own house on Christmas morning and come down to see what Santa brought. So my family would celebrate Christmas a week early on the 18th (my dad's birthday). Since I was the only kid still in the same area as my parents, they would come over Christmas afternoon. No crazy traveling during the holidays was wonderful!
Support your husband and be soooo happy you don't have to deal with the drama. In the future, if you husband does want to go to the moms for a holiday, don't feel like you have to stay long. LIMIT your time you spend with the crazies! That way, you still see them, your child will still get to know them and you are done. Good luck!
Sounds like you made a decision to stay. I was going to say the holiday are about family. Maybe you can get together with them another time though. There can be too much drama sometimes for sure.
