Am I Being Rude?

I have a friend whose older daughter is not getting invited over anymore because the MOM INSISTS we let the younger one come, even though she cries, causes fights, and is a pain. Now I see why no one invites her kids over and her oldest is going to miss out. I TOTALLY agree with you.
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I agree with you, SIL is blowing it way out of proportion. BUT, if you want to make everyone happy, why not invite the family over on her actual birthday (if it's a different day) for pizza or something...... or not :)

I vote no 9 yr olds, age should be a factor, family or not

And what a strange comparison by Tonya about Marxism

I think your SIL is being a brat. Little sisters can't do everything their big sisters get to do. I am so surprised that so many moms think that if one kid is invited, all kids are invited. I realize that it's different because they're family, but still!

I don't know if this would help, but we always had a family party and a friend party. The family party consisted only of a cake, gifts from family members (there were no family gifts given at the friend party) and being together. Or sometimes a big family dinner. Maybe you could invite everyone to a family party for cake and ice cream, but only the bigger kids at the "teen party."

Slumber parties are different than family parties. I wouldn't want my 9 year old spending the night with a bunch of 13 year olds anyway. Go with your gut, and do what your daughter wants. It's not like your SIL and sister expect to spend the night too because they are family! Maybe have a family dinner another night if it is that big of a thing, but if your husband supports you and doesn't feel it is necessary, don't bother.

Sounds like SIL is being overly controlling. The fact that she wants to control the guest list is very unfortunate for both her girls and yours as well. It would be great if she could see this as an opportunity to teach her 9yr old a valuable life lesson (if in fact the little one has hurt feelings). Life doesn't ALWAYS go how we want it to and we try to make the best of it. Wouldn't it be great if SIL took it upon herself to be HELPFUL in the celebrating of your 13 yr olds birthday and gathered up the 9 yr olds to do something together. Now that would be a great life lesson for her daughters! Good luck and enjoy!

Love the way “Momto3wifeto1” answered in contradiction to “TonyaC”.

Life doesn’t always go the way you want it. Your other niece is probably o.k. with it because your sister has taught her just that…Not everything will go your way all the time.

As you said this is her first time making her own invite list. You are showing her you respect her wishes and encourage her independency.

You're right! Your SIL is being silly and rude. It's YOUR daughter's birthday, and what 13 year old wants a 9 year old around, especially when she would be the ONLY 9 year old! I wouldn't give it another thought. If your SIL insists on none of her children attending, just tell her that's too bad, but the kids are growing up and they're not 3 any more.

I don't think it is rude at all - your daughter is entitled to have her birthday be a teen only birthday. Maybe your sister that does understand could have her daughter invite the SIL's daughter over on that night and they could do something together and that would resolve the situation??? Of course that would be totally up to your sister. If your sister is not willing to do that I would not change the rule for your SIL - she is being ridiculous. It is too bad that your niece will have to miss out on a teen party because of her monther......

i'm sorry your SIL is being so goofy about this. of course you are right, and your daughter should be allowed to put together her own guest list.
maybe you could have a small family party to which all the relatives could come? more work, but possibly fewer hurt feelings.
some SILs just don't let things go, though.
it's not rude to have a party where a child is allowed to invite the ones she REALLY wants. it is kinda rude of your SIL to insist on including a kid who is certainly loved and wanted, just not at this particular event. it's probably embarrassing for the younger girl, and just plain mean to punish the older one for the SIL's snit.
khairete
S.

I think it's fine! WHy are some moms so dramatic! She should take the opportunity to do somethign special with her younger daughter, and let her older daughter enjoy a teenage party! STick to your guns mama.

Of course I haven't yet had to deal with these kind of problems since I have a 1 and 3 year old boys, so take my advice for what it's worth haha.

Good luck - K

I think the invite based on age sounds fair. I myself would not want my 9 year old hearing the topics of discussion of your average 13 year old anyway! = )

Maybe you could invite her to bowling with your son and husband and tell her you'll save her some cake.

have 2 seperate parties one for friends one for family

I say stay with what your daughter wants. I think that is perfectly reasonable.

I think you should stick to your daughters wishes.
Do you think you could take all the cousins to a movie or dinner or something else to celebrate at a different time? There is not need for the cousin to be at the party when she isnt friends with all the other girls and so much younger. That is a pretty significant age difference when you think about maturity levels.

I think your daughter should have her party the way she wants... You only have your 13th once.

your 1st obligation is to your daughter- and you did tell her to make her own list and have the party the way she wants to. it wouldnt be fair to go back on your word, just to please your SIL. it's not her party- its your daughters. having a separate party for family sounds like an awesome idea, if you can budget your time to do so, and so can your pocket book. i personally think your SIL is being immature- it's not fair to the cousins to not allow her daughter to go just because the younger one wasnt invited. thats just childish. if the 9yo finds out, her feelings might be hurt, but her feelings arent a deciding factor, i must honestly say...

I agree with the mom that asked why your SIL would want a 9 year old hanging out with a bunch of 13 year old girls at a slumber party. That is just too big of an age gap.

You are right- stick to your guns and use the support of your hubby to get through it. Have your hubby talk to her if it would help.

Let your SIL decide whether she will send O. kid or no kids. This party is for TEENS.

I agree with everyone else stick to your guns! Your daughter is turning a special age, she wants who is special to her at her party!

Stick with the wishes of your daughter. The SIL can just get over it. Your daughter is turning 13 and wants to celebrate with kids her own age. Just think of it this way, you won't have the two cousins there but there sure will a whole of other kids to fill in and not be missed.

There comes a time when not everyone can go and do everything that everybody else does. So don't let her force her way into the party. Even your husband is on board for this so you have all the support you need.

Happy birthday to the new teen for me.

The other S.

Could you have a separate, small party for family? I agree that a party for teens is just that, and it's silly for your SIL to be offended. However, her daughter may be hurt and may have expressed that to her mom, who is now telling you. It might be nice to try to avoid hurt feelings by including the two younger cousins in a different sort of gathering.

nah, you are in the right.. I am down for family but when girls , let alone boys hit 13.. they want their age group there... your SIL will have to understand that her girls won't always get invited to the same things. additionally, the 13 yr old can attend and sil can take the 9 year out for one on one time. there is really a simple solution for her here IF she chooses to go that route. sounds like she is the one offended ..
plus, my son's cousins who are older stopped inviting our son to their parties. again, nothing personal.. they just want to hang with their friends..

I would stick to the plan and do not allow your sister n law to change it. Tell her in love that this is what you guys planned and maybe even speak to your niece and communicate directly to her why? Is it the sister n laws feeling that are hurt or your niece? LOL!

I agree with you. The SIL is making a big deal and not to be rude its not about her.

My view, as an objective outsider, is that both you and your sister have legitimate concerns. It's too bad you couldn't have anticipated her perceived need to protect her 9yo's feelings, or you could have announced the party in a somewhat different way, perhaps providing some alternative scenario ("The Teen Girl Party will happen on Saturday, and we invite the broader family for pizza on Sunday," as one possible example.)

I hope you'll acknowledge your sister's feelings with real empathy, rather than labeling her as selfish or controlling, as some moms suggest. There's nothing to be gained by that, and any of us might have a similar protective reaction in similar circumstances.

While I think it is culturally normal, I also think it is incredibly sad that just because she is some arbitrary age that she is given license to be self-focused and non-inclusive of her cousins. Why do Poole age-segregate? It is such an artificial situation. Nowhere else in life do we age segregate except for our youth.. It is a Marxist creation, but everyone follows along like it is normal. Sad. What exactly are they doing where a 9 year old won't be welcome? Do you want your daughter to have this outlook in the future? Is this the only time, or are you setting her up to think this is the normal way to treat people who are not born in your grade level? I guess I think it is a bit sad.

its your daughters birthday, i would let her do it that way. I would also suggest, that maybe from like 6-8 she does something with the whole family. dad, brother whole family, then when its time for the sleep over part, then they leave and she keeps the older girls. That way maybe everyone would be happy. If not, i would let my daughter choose whos invited.

Besides this party, is the 9yr old very close with your daugther? Are they good friends? Do they hang out and have fun with eachother at family gatherings often? Or do they only see eachother every now and then and aren't close? If they are really close and the 9yr old has been at every previous party, I could understand where the 9yr old would be very sad that all the sudden she isn't "old enough" or "cool enough" because SHE doesn't have the "teen" at the end of her age yet. Maybe the sister-in-law is upset because she has a little girl with hurt feelings. By no means do I think your daughter should be forced to have the 9yr old at the party, but maybe you and your sister-in-law could set up a special family party with the younger kids and the boys too. That way, everyone would be happy.....even your daughter with TWO bday parties! =0)

I agree with you. It's your daughters party, the guest list should be up to her. I like the suggestion of having your SIL's 9 year old go bowling with hubby. Your SIL will get over it.

Happy birthday to your daughter!

I would lean towards having the party your daughters way, it is her special day after all. I am sure the cousin has some hurt feelings and that is why your sil is acting that way, we all defend our own. But I am sure it will blow over with time. I think it is important for siblings to learn at some point that all activities do not include them both, and that is part of life. Let your sil know that not even her own brother is coming, so it is not about being family, you have to be a teenage girl to come, end of story.

I would just tell her "Well I am sorry you feel that way, but this is what my daughter wants for her party. "

It is your daughter birthday so give her what she wants.

Do NOT include the 9 year old. Your daughter is old enough to make the decissions of who she wants at her party.

I totally agree with you in honoring your daughter's wishes. Tonya must not have older girls as she does not seem to recognize the gap betweeen 9 and 13 is huge. If this was a daytime activity type party maybe inviting everyone would be appropriate but "age segregation" is not a political system it's a way of making sure the girls that are nearly FIVE YEARS OLDER can listen to the music they want, talk about the subjects they choose, watch the movies they are mature enough for, put on make-up, talk about boys blah blah blah you get the point. Stick to your guns and whoever suggested that your husband speak to BIL is brilliant. Men have a way of working this stuff out without drama and hurt feelings. Happy 13th to your little girl!

Mom, Let the SIL be upset and hold your ground for your daughter. Your SIL sounds bossy and demanding and a 9 yr old does not belong at a special party for a 13 yr old who is inviting friends her age, she is a teen now. You may want to have a small "family party" a day or so before, or on the real day to invite family, but dont do it for your SIL, only if your daughter wants too. Hope this helps and SIL needs to realize this will probably what happens for all future b-days of your daughter. Hope this helps.

well, hm, this is a tough one. but after your 'add on' i'll say, if she's not close to the 9 year old then no reason to include her, esp. given that these will be teenage girls, and her being 9 (at that age this is a huggggeee gap).
so i will say, talk it over with your husband, and see if you guys can come up with a compromise. you know, if the cousins don't come, there will be hurt feelings and strained relationship with SIL. is it worth it? once you and your husband answer this question and are ok with whatever you decide then go with it.

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No 13 year old wants to hang out with her 9 year old cousins for her first teen b'day party. Respect your daughters wishes and stick to your guns.
Your sil can get over it or keep her kids at home. Just my opinion.