Does Grandma Always Have to Go Along?

I feel so lucky to have both my parents, and my husbands parents, pretty close by to us. I welcome them to everything and anything, and am happy when they come. I wasn't able to grow up close to my grandparents, and this is something I always wanted when I was a kid. I even mentioned this to my parents a couple weeks ago, I let them know how much I appreciate them being there for my kids.

I think it depends on what type of family you are. I couldn't imagine a Christmas morning without my grandparents there growing up. They lived right down the road from us. Now that I have children, I don't recall any Christmas without my parents there. My MIL lives a few states away. It's very important for me to have family around. This will be the first Christmas in a long time that my grandparents don't come down to Texas, they live in Illinois, 85 & 89 years old, and stay in Illinois with the other family.

I don't think there will be a time I don't invite my parents to everything. We are a very close family, I want my children to have lots of memories. Now, there are times when they are invited and don't attend because sick, weather or busy, but I will never stop inviting them. And there is NO way I would not invite them to a Holiday event.

Guess I am odd. The more family on Christmas morning, plays, recitals etc
The happier I was. Family is important. My kids also loved having everyone around.

Grandma and grandpa were always welcome when I grew up.

Grandma and grandpa were always welcome when my kids grew up.

My kids have always welcomed my wife and I. We are the grandma and grandpa now.

I've found your kids will treat you like they see you treating your parents when you get to be the grandma and grandpa. If you want to stay home alone, then leave your kids grandma and grandpa out of family activities. They will leave you home alone too when you become the grandma and grandpa. Something like "As ye sow, so shall ye reap".

Good luck to you and yours.

I wish we lived in the same town or even close enough to drive (like 1.5 hours) to my parents house...

My kids are 10 & 12 and still love spending time with grandparents. Maybe because they live so far away that they know the time they get with them is few and far between - in other words - precious.

I didn't have my grandparents growing up - we were living in Taiwan, Hawaii or California...my dad's dad and step mom lived in South Dakota. they came to visit us in Hawaii ONCE. I didn't get a relationship with them until my teens. My dad's mom and step dad lived in Oregon and then Arizona. they came over about every three months. Then they moved to the same town.

My mom's parents died when I was 6 years old. I don't even remember meeting them.

So IF MY kids complained about it? I would tell them that the one thing in life that is certain is that you aren't getting out of it alive...family is important.

If you don't want her there - fine. that's your call. If she's negative and nasty and only berates the kids - fine - do NOT invite her. If she needs help like a wheel chair or something like that? by all means - do what you have to do to make it work.

All I have to say is one day, God willing, all of you ladies will be grandparents. Answer this question with empathy. Remember Karma.....

I have eight grandchildren, the oldest being 16, the youngest being almost 2. I have gone to all the recitals, plays, concerts, trick or treating, birthday parties, etc., that I care to attend. BUT my grandchildren want me there and they are very disappointed if grandma doesn't come.

Maybe ask your kids what they want. Grandma is there for them, after all, not you!

If grandma was living close to us we would take her along. My mother is an integral part of my nieces and nephews lives. My sister relies on her for childcare and they live right next door to each other. Sure, they get annoyed with each other every now and then, but for holidays they would consider the family incomplete if my mom wasn't there.

For us it is different because we live on the other coast/across the atlantic from our families. However we spend EVERY vacation with the grandparents. Sure, sometimes we think it would be nice to go on a vacation just by ourselves as a family, maybe closer to where we live and not "waste" an entire day (or two) on flying places.... but we love our family (parents) and they won't be around forever...

I think "normal" families enjoy each others company, especially for holidays.
Good luck.

Depends on how close you are and what the event is. If we lived closer, we might invite Mom to trick or treat with us but not necessarily Christmas morning. She'd be invited to school events (always has been, like the play or a concert) but wouldn't HAVE to come. This past year was the first of DD's parties we didn't specifically invite the grands and they were OK with DD having a friend party. That's how I explained it to them. That we loved them, but this time she actually has friends so we were doing the friend thing and would arrange a visit with them later, without the chaos.

What's "fair" is what works for the whole. It is OK to sometimes want special time with just the immediate family. My sister's MIL wanted her to visit every weekend, especially after she had the baby, and sis told her DH that spending the whole weekend at the ILs was too much - with working FT, having a kid, going to school...so they compromise. They need family time, too.

ETA: Christmas we do the stockings at home with just the kids and then we go to my aunt's house. In fact, one of the reasons I love my ILs is that they are fine with seeing us for "Christmas" sometime between the 24th and NYE. Then we can enjoy it without watching the clock. When I was a kid, we did the first round at home and then drove to Grandma's house for dinner and cousins and stuff. I would plan to see your mom, but it doesn't have to be 8AM.

She is a Widow. So is my Mom.
She gets lonely.
Per Halloween, she doesn't like to tag along for that, but we always welcome her and we TELL her that.
My kids are now 6 and 10.

Per school events: My Mom is always welcomed. We tell her that and our kids. But it is up to her, how many she wants to attend or not. It is her right, too.

Per Christmas: She is there. Of course. She is a part of the family. She is a Widow. My late Dad, would be irked, if we did not include her. Sure, my Mom is aware fully, that we have our own types of traditions etc. She does not get pushy about it or try to make us do "her" ideas. She is just happy... to spend Christmas with us and the kids. My kids, are her ONLY grandchildren.

My MIL lives abroad. She never ever, tries to come here to visit us, at all.
But we'll Skype with her.

My Mom, mind you, and us, all live together. It was my dying Father's wish, that my Mom live with us. He did not want her to be lonely or cut out... of our lives. We are all she has. And my kids.
But even if we all live together, we all have our separate lives and routines and activities. For the most part, my Mom and us, respect each others lives/routines/proclivities.
I... personally, would not exclude my Mom, from Christmas morning etc. Or the Christmas day. I know, my Mom gets lonely at the Holidays, without my Dad. I feel for her. Even my Husband does. It can be sad for her.
So as much as *I* want to exert *my* own ways of doing things and times of me/my Husband wanting to be alone with only our kids (which she does respect 98% of the time), I cannot, exclude her from Christmas or Holiday things, that I or my Hubby does with our kids. My Mom, does have an active life and lots of friends and events too. She could just as easily tell us, that she is not going to be with us Christmas morning because she is busy or got invited to another person's home. Fine. But I want her to know... that *I* or we, are not pushing her aside. She is welcomed in any holiday things we do or events that my kids have. She is our kids' Grandma. And I think of my late Dad... and what he'd want. Too.
I cannot bear, to see my Mom lonely.

And yes, she is invited to any kids' things we have or that our kids have per school, and per any holidays. But we also know, she has her own life too and SHE can also, tell us no. Because she has her own activities too.

I think it is unfair, to not invite Grandma. In your case.
Unless, your Mom/the kids' Grandma, is a nut case who is bully like and meddling and toxic.

We have all of our parents in town... A blessing and a curse.

We tried to invite the grandparents to most holiday things...and all school things..

Our daughters schools were very organized and usually had the school year schedules of events etc... The spring before the fall schedule...I used to make copies for everyone and highlight what our daughter really wanted them to attend, or I thought they would enjoy.

Sometimes my parents and their spouses attended, my mil and fil, never attended..of course mil attended anything she was invited to with her daughters kids....

For birthdays once our daughter was in about second grade, she had a party with her friends, and we would all go out to dinner with the grandparents... Again my parents would attend, but my husbands parents always seemed to have other plans...

This continues even now.. And our daughter is 22. We were shocked that mil finally agreed to attend our daughters college graduation.. It was out of state and mil kept saying it was too expensive... Even though they had just purchased a 50 in tv, new leather Natuzzi living room furniture and a new camper...

My parents are both still alive, but when one of them dies and just the other is left, I would feel terrible if he or she were feeling lonely during a holiday, even if it's just for a few hours. I would extend an invitation to everything, and would hope that one day if I'm in that situation, that my own children and grandchildren (if I have any) would be as welcoming to me.

I truly don't get the current trend of idolizing immediate family gatherings, to the exclusion of other close relatives who have no one else. I see my kids every day. Sure, Christmas morning is special, but sharing that time with one of my parents or in-laws would enhance the specialness of that time, not detract from it.

We have a good balance in our family. My mom is very involved in our lives. For Halloween, we have a family party the weekend before where the cousins and aunts and grandmas come and see the costumes and give out some candy. Then on Halloween day we trick or treat ourselves or with the neighbors.

For Christmas, we do Christmas morning ourselves and spend Christmas Eve and later Christmas day with the grandma's.

You just have to find a balance. My sister (before she got married) wanted to do EVERYTHING together. I finally had to start making plans and not tell her because she would invite herself along. It's fine, I love my sister and the kids love their fun Auntie, but, yes, you need some special time and moments to enjoy your kids by yourselves!

I hope not. I hope that we would be able to find a way to include her and still have our own time to celebrate. I speak from my personal situation...nothing involving my MIL is ever simple. She brings drama. She is pushy and overbearing and just frankly stresses the hell out of me when she comes.

We usually get together with them the day after Christmas. I DON'T want to rush around traveling all day on Christmas. I DON'T want to have to rush around cooking and cleaning on Christmas. My measure of success for a holiday is if I had time to sit down and play with my kids that day. The one day that my DH invited my in-laws for Christmas dinner, I was 8 months pregnant. I ran like crazy cooking with little help and didn't even have time to sit down and play with my son. I was miserable that day and considered the day an utter failure Since then, any get together MUST be either before or after the holiday.

My stepdad travels for months at a time for his job. My mom doesn't work and sometimes she travels with him...she picks and chooses where depending on where he gets called out to claims adjust for. He flew out this weekend to be in DC so that once Sandy passed he could start in on claims.

Anyway...she goes with us most places and activities. We are not "close" but I don't like her being by herself and the kids enjoy when grandma comes with us. I would say it's about half and half.

She is coming over the night before Thanksgiving to hang out...my husband is going to cook for us and we are just going to have the five of us there since dad won't probably be home for the east coast for a few months.

She comes to school events, hardly ever misses a sports game, she's coming over for Halloween. She doesn't come over for Christmas morning (when we lived far away and she would come she was already there)...

We spend Christmas with my family in FL, so it's different b/c we're staying with them! However, my sister and her little family have "Christmas morning" at their house, we have one at my parents house and my other sister and her fiance have one at their condo. Around 10, we all end up at my parents house to open up the rest of the gifts and to have breakfast.

So, no, my parents would not expect to be with us at 5:00am on Christmas morning, but they would expect us to be there for the day! We do Christmas Eve Mass and a big formal dinner with extended family at that time. Christmas Day is more low-key.

I get along well with my MIL, but she's pretty much nonexistent. I wish she made herself more present, but she just doesn't. There's some depression going on, so we don't push it!

Why can't they have their early morning on their own and then have mom over at 9:00 or so to open other gifts, have breakfast and spend time together?

My parents always understood that, while they enjoyed time with my daughter (and my sister's kids) on holidays, that my daughter and I needed some "just us" time, as did my sister, bil, and their kids, and we all compromised on gathering schedules that didn't overly inconvenience anyone.

i think i have a GREAT family - so...would you consider that normal? not sure lol.

my mom and grandma are amazing.

neither of them inserts themselves into every little thing. we do "christmas" with them, but "christmas morning" is reserved for the household only. although i know families who spend the night at grandmas or grandma comes over. it's not unheard of.

however, we are also "trick-or-treating" at: grandma's house, great-grandma's house, 2 aunties' houses, and our 1 next door neighbor. except for taking him up to my work to trick or treat, that's it.

so that's our normal. i think the perfect balance is moms who WANT to be included in things (although maybe not EVERYthing), but does not insert herself, she waits for an invitation. and of course, we spend lots of "non" special-occasion time at her house too. it's very natural and wonderful.

I try to remember that I'm setting the example for my kids...how they see us treat our parents is probably how they will treat us when they are grown. So if you want your adult children to include you in Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, etc it's probably best to include your parents and inlaws.

My maternal grandparents had 8 children, and 27 grandchildren. They were never at our house on Christmas morning, for Halloween, etc., but we did have large family gatherings on Christmas afternoon where ALL the families gathered. For school events, a few of our families went to the same school, so we just invited our grandparents to big events, like our Christmas play, concerts, or Grandparents' Day. They were always welcome to come to other things, but by the time I was old enough to be playing sports, they were too elderly to really go to that kind of stuff.

My paternal grandma had 3 kids, and 2 of them leave MN during the winter, so my dad and mom took my grandma under their wings and include her in my mom's family's Thanksgiving and Christmas parties. Halloween isn't enough of a feast for any of us to think anything about it just being parents and kids.

I would NEVER want my grandma alone on Christmas, Easter, or Thanksgiving--but the other occassions aren't that memorable/sentimental for us.

My (single) mom lived with my husband and me and our three kids until my daughters were 10 and 12. We never had that "alone" time on holidays that many other families have until my kids were older. If you were to ask them today, they would say they would give anything to have their grandmother "butt in" on our family time on holidays, since she's been gone almost 3 years. For 6 years before that, she was suffering from dementia and Alzheimer's, essentially gone to us already. Yes, it's nice to have that Norman Rockwell morning with just your little family unit. But when your mom is gone, no matter how much time you spent with her you will wish you could have her "crowding" your life just one more time. We all think we'll have each other forever. My kids talk now about being annoyed at her long-winded stories, yet lament that they didn't listen more carefully, because many of her stories, our family history, are gone now. I have an older sister who is single with no children. My husband insists on having her at our house every holiday because no one should be alone on a holiday. Sometimes I'm annoyed, but I'm joyful that my husband has such a big heart. And someday my sister will be gone but I'll know I did my best to give her some happy memories. I hope when you're the grandma, you'll understand if your own kids think it's "fair" to not invite grandma so they can have their special time without you.

As a grandma, I feel that I need to give my opinion. I love my daughter & grandson. I would be hurt if I was not encluded in holidays, but I feel that they need some time to make their own memories. Tomorrow is Halloween. I will not be going trick or treating with them. But, I will be at his school to see the parade in the morning. I will also be taking him to Karate on Mondays & Wednesdays & soccor on Tuesdays & Thursdays. I would hate to miss one of his games on Saturdays. He wants me there for it all. His school has holiday lunches where only 2 guests can come. If my daughter cannot make it, I go. I had a very close relationship with my Mom & invited her to go with us alot. When my daughter was little, she would come home from school & ask if I had talked to Grandma that day. I finally asked why. She told me that if I missed a day, then she might miss a day calling me when she grew up. If you don't want her with you, she will sense it.

When I fahd my first child, my mom wanted to be there for Xmas morning. I told her they could come for breakfast if they wanted, but we first were going to have "family time."

We also use to do Xmas eve with my parents, but we've stopped. It's too draining and I really just like being alone with my family.

Now, if one of my parents were to die, this mights change. My parents are getting older - close to 80- so I hate to exclude them, but I can only do so much. I like the simplicity of being alone.

IMy mom lives with me and is just one of us. It would be strange if she was not a part of our celabrations. I cannot believe having grammy in the same room on Christmas morning would hinder any memories. I would think she would enhance them.
The one thing you said I agree with is , that she is going to die one of these days. Your right she is. Then she will not ever be able to join the festivities again.
You know one of the things my mother looks forward to all year is to see the happy faces of young children. Mine are not so young anymore but to her they are. She is thrilled when she gets her hugs and I love you's. She love watching the gift giving and opening. Sometimes its all they have.
Having my family with me and at special moments is what life is all about for us here.

"And since grandma is old and going to die one of these days, you don't want to deny her, I guess."

This phrase is bothering me so much, that is not a reason to invite grandma, the reason is because you love her and your kids love her and everyone enjoys each other's company.

If there are boundary issues, your brother is a big boy and can have a talk with mom and tell her, Hey mom I will pick you up (or come by) at 11am on Christmas morning so you can spend the day with us and the baby.
also my grandma is 80 years old and she has survived two of her 3 children, only my dad is left...she would have given anything to spend more time with my auntie and uncle. The point is no one knows when they're going to die, sorry to digress I guess your post touched a nerve LOL
Good luck!

I am between stages right now. My son is adult, but unmarried and no kids. So, I am in my 'free' years. When I do become a G.,I will play it by how close I feel to my daugher-in-law.My son's former ex-girlfriend was just like family. I, however, did not feel that relationship with his most recent past girlfriend. But for me--there is always room for a grandparent--I hope my future DIL will feel the same for me.

I'm in the camp of "We will celebrate with you, but we will have our own special family time alone, too."

For example, at Christmas, when we lived relatively close (1.5 hrs) we had our Christmas morning at our house, then invited my ILs to come down for a late lunch/dinner to celebrate. We celebrated with my family on Christmas Eve.

If they want to do Christmas morning by themselves then invite grandma over for later, they SHOULD. They're not telling her they don't want to celebrate with her. They just want to have some private family time Christmas morning. Best of luck!

Well considering I am a Grandma I feel as a grandparent you should respect the fact that your kids want a little time first as their own little family and then they can celebrate later with everyone else.

My grandson is two and I went the last two years trick or treating with them as they invited me, but this year it is just their thing and I am totally good with that. Christmas morning they open presents at their house and have their time together and then come later to my house to celebrate and open presents and eat dinner.

I feel as a grandparent we shouldn't barge in on our kids whether we are alone or not and let them enjoy time as a family. There is plenty of time to get together and spend quality time together. I believe we all need some space and that includes grandparents too!

But the answer to your original question - No it is not unfair to invite Grandma to everything you do.

Family is important so don't get me wrong and those are memories that will some day be just that - memories that you will hold onto and cherish, but a little time as your own little family is not a bad thing either.

No, Grandma doesn't have to go along for every little thing.

That said, I don't think Christmas is a "little thing." Christmas is a holiday especially for family. ALL family. And I know my mom (my kids' grandma) would be devastated if I didn't invite her. I consider it to be completely "normal" to have grandparents over for big holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas or Easter or Independence Day. So normal that I can't imagine it any other way...and think it's a bit selfish that your brother would consider NOT having her.

That said...where are YOU on those days? Do you also go to your brother's, or do you stay with your family? Why isn't your mom coming to see you? Just curious.

Funny, I have almost posted something about this because I wonder what others do. My parents live about 15 minutes from us. I do feel like we should include them in a lot of things, but we need our space as well. For things like Christmas, I wouldn't dreaming of not inviting my parents, they would be heartbroken. But some sporting things, school events, etc., we do on our own. I need time with my own family. I will say, my in laws live in another state and that is wonderful. I doubt I would be as willing to have so much time with them, double standard and unfair, I know. But true. Balance is the key, but for the big things, gotta have the grandparents. But that doesn't mean no boundaries, grandma doesn't have to spend the night, they could work something out about that.

iv never really had this issue in my family (or at least not yet since our daughters only 3months old) but i see this with my neighbors. I can tell that sometimes my neighbor doesnt always seem thrilled that the inlaws are there so much.. they have 3 kids, one 18 and then 12yr old twins.. and its been like this since their oldest was born. The inlaws come over all the time,for every holiday, but they also go to everysingle one of the kids sports/band/whatever events they have. They also go on everysingle vacation theyve ever been on.. Not once have i seen the family ever go on a vacation just them, not even a weekend down the shore. Most of the time i dont think he really cares but theres times when they were just there a few days before n then they come over for something with the kids and you can just tell hes like enough already... im sure when the kids were very young it wasnt as much of a problem but i think that since nothing has changed and the kids are getting older its a little different.
-- i think holidays are one thing... but to be there for every single little thing is unnecessary

So... the impression I'm getting is that neither you nor your brother get along really well with grandma. My thoughts are that this is not all her fault, though it may be that she is a difficult person. What can you both think of to do that will help alleviate this situation for all of you?
I think I would start by having a conversation between you and your brother. Decide what the two of you would like to do in regards to having her over. Then each of you issue your own invitation to her well in advance of the holiday. That way, she'll know what to expect and, if the invitation is given in a manner that shows genuine respect for her, she should feel wanted and welcome to both of your homes.
Being a grandma myself, I can tell you that it is somewhat devastating to feel alone and unwanted, especially on the holidays. My relationship with my children and grandchildren is really good. I provide care for the grandchildren on a regular basis and see them often. But there have been occasions when they were doing something special that didn't include me. I recognize that they need those times, and am happy to let them have them. Still, I do have to admit that I can get childish and think I'm being left out.
Another thought in this is ... does she have friends her age that you and your brother can encourage her to spend more time with - other than holidays - so that she is busy, and happy most of the time? Then include her in the special days. And do be honest with her about your need to have some time just alone with your own families on those days too. She might feel a bit hurt at first, but I think honesty - expressed with much kindness - will go much further toward helping her give you the space you need.

Obviously this is an important subject judging from all the responses here. I read some of them and from what I can see, most are written taking into consideration all parties involved. I once read a story about a woman who silently resented her husband's snoring, burping and other annoying habits. One day he had a heart attack and was gone from her life. Now, she wishes desperately that she had him next to her snoring so loud she wouldn't be able to sleep. I lost my mom last year and believe me, it was always a hassle to pick her up for family events and cater to her needs (she was 89). However, even though she was opinionated and cranky at times, all we remember now is her lovely smile, her kindness, her crazy way of dressing "fashionably" and lots of other good stuff. We miss her so much everyday, especially at family events and holidays. Someday we will all leave this earth . . . . let's enjoy our families and our loved ones while we and they are here. God Bless all of you who make the effort to bring the older folks into the family events. In answer to the person here who asked the original question . . . .it sounds like you've been doing great all these years and it's "normal" to get fussy about having to "invite Grandma" - but do the right thing and just make sure she is not alone, whatever it takes. Oh and I think picking her up later on Christmas morning is perfectly fine. That gives them Christmas eve alone with their little family.

My parents and in-laws have always been involved, but not so involved that they would intrude on our own family Christmas morning or other baby/child firsts that they weren't invited to. There's no reason that grandparents MUST be invited to absolutely every single milestone event even if "Grandma/Nonna" is old and will die soon so we wouldn't want her to miss this or you'll risk offending her." That's just nonsense to me.

This isn't like refusing to invite Grandma to Junior's First Communion or Bar Mitvah. It's not like accidentally on purpose forgetting to ask Mammaw and Popop if they wanted to buy tickets to Matysin's first theater performance or award ceremony.

It's perfectly acceptable to say no if you want there to be some private family moments and not feel guilty about it. Grandma and Grandpa aren't entitled to everything they want.

This is a great problem to have. It means your Mom is alive, lives near you, and wants to be with you. I would let her come and spend the night if she wants. There is lots of time with just your little family, your mom won't always be there. This will be our first Christmas without Grandma and nobody is looking forward to it. Last Christmas, we wouldn't have predicted she'd be gone by this Christmas. Life is precious and fleeting and you should enjoy the time you have with all your family.

Its not fair and its not nice not to invite grandma. Even if you know that you will be spending time with the "other side" of the family, Gramdma is invited there too. But if Grandma lives alone, then you can invite her at whatever time you want her there, just invite her. And whene gets there, just make a big fuss about her. (Grandma will be earlier anyway, so add an additional hour to the invite)

I think it depends on the relationship with Grandma and how many other grandchildren she has. My kids are my parent's only grandkids so they are very involved. My mother-in-law has 20 some grandkids so she loves hanging with the kids but she has a lot of children to share time with. Some families are super close, some aren't. I don't know if there is a definition of a "normal" family does.

I personally don't believe that Christmas should be anything less than as much family as possible together at the same time!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE having our huge family gathering with my mom and stepdad, sister and her 3 kids, and my other 2 sisters. And when step-Grammy and her husband come along, it's great! On the other side of the family, I love having Grandma and Pap Pap and my BIL and his wife (and soon-to-be baby!! YAY!!)! In fact, last year was our very first year of just my husband, me and our 2 kids, and I hated that it was just the 4 of us. Thank goodness we can afford to fly back this year!

And I feel that way about more than just holidays! I would love to live close enough to our families that they could attend school assemblies, soccer games, hockey games, etc etc!!! However, I can see how it might be a little overwhelming for a family who sees the grandparents whenever they want. I can see how the pressure to be with them as much as possible can grate on a relationship, so I think boundaries are very important in ALL aspects of life!

In terms of "do you want her around all the time," No, I wouldn't want her around ALL the time. But I say with utter confidence that at 35, I miss my grandma (my mom's mom) SO MUCH, and wish I could've spent SO MUCH more time with her. And I had 33 years with her!!!! My dad's mom lived next door to us for my first 18 years, and I LOVED being able to go over and see her whenever I wanted to! I miss her, as well (lost her when I was 26).

It is odd if I do not see my inlaws once a week. I still expect them to make some sports events, plays, and anything school.
If we have a family outing maybe a few times they will come. but sometimes it will be nice to just have family time.
Now holidays. I really don't know what to expect. I know everyone will have their own Christmas, so I doubt gma and gpa will come over.

As for my family, Sorry kids grandma is not allowed at the house and grandpa doesnt care enough to leave the state of colorado!
great grandparents on the other hand we will have to drive to see them... My grandma (i wish she would have adopted me) does not like to drive. but probably will a lot more than I think.

Well, with my niece and nephew, my mom and I always let them have their Christmas morning with just the family. WE got ourselves dressed and went out for Christmas morning breakfast at anyplace open (generally a hotel or truckkstop) before starting dinner. It was out treat to ourselves. If it was just my mom alone, though, I think it woudl be nice to welcome her to go over vs being alone. Halloween was never a big deal because grandma preferred to stay home to hand out candy.

Now that I'm a mom, I love having my mom around for every event with my daughter. My mom won't be here forever, and my daughter won't be a little girl forever. I love for them to make happy memories together, and that in no way leaves me out or makes me less involved in those happy memories.

I think it is perfectly acceptable to not invite extended family to every single event. Obviously that is what they (your brother and his fam) are desiring to do, or you wouldn't be asking the question.

The problem with these types of questions is they evoke certain emotions in certain people, and those people will respond based on those emotions. For example, the mom who longs for her parents who live 1000 miles away will say "of course it isn't ok not to invite her!" The mom whose in laws are like Everybody loves Raymond will say it depends "on the relationship with ____".

Either way, no matter the relationship and no matter how close the family, parents should never feel guilty about wanting to spend some quality one-on-one time with their kids every now and again. Who knows, maybe grandma would be relieved to have a break every now and again. Kids are exhausting!!

LOL I think I am a "normal" family!
I do have good relationships with both my parents and in-laws. BUT we just had this same issue in our house yesterday. My husband invited his parents to come watch the little Halloween parade and "poetry" performance our kindergartener is doing at her school tomorrow. It's her first one so I don't even know if it is the kind of thing to invite grandparents to or what, but oh well, they are coming. Hubs knew I was a little taken off guard and said "I know, I invited them. Sorry- I know they kinda tend to take over at these things..." which they do, they get all up in my kids faces with camaras and stuff and just generally steal the moment sometimes... but then he also got defensive like "they want to be a part of their grandkids lives, why begrudge them?" and he's right. he also said "why don't you invite your parents too?" But MY parents have had 6 kids of their own, and are up to 7 grandkids so they feel no need to attend every little thing, they gotta share the love. And my parents are just totally ok with living an adult life and no longer living through their children (ahem). I can only hope the in-laws tone down as they get more grandchildren of their own to juggle (but with my husbands one brother stalling at 1 kid for now, it's all on us). And my older daughter is the first grandchild on that side so her activities get a lot of attention from them (dance recitals, soccer games, school performances) because really, she is the only one with interesting activities. The other two are 2 years old and don't have much going on yet.

Luckily my husband understands and we have drawn the line on somethings like taking them to disneyland by ourselves the first time, without grandparents... I've had to just compromise though and let them jump in on stuff sometimes. I would not be too pleased about them trying to horn in on Christmas morning... I think even my MIL knows thats sacred family time. However, if one of them were alone, I would allow it. No one should have to wake up alone in a house on Christmas morning!

In our family, once the folks get over 65, they have a low tolerance for small children.
Oh, they love them and can take them in small doses.
But they are ready for the socializing at the senior center and a game of bingo once they've spent an hour or two around kids.

Being a Grandmother even though I am not alone. I have Christmas Eve dinner at my house. We open gifts and celebrate Christmas Eve together. On Christmas Day we "let" the kids go home with their parents and spend their special time together. As a Grandparent I try not to impose and ask the parents how they want to handle the Holidays. I think it is fair to ask your' Mother to come at 11:00. I really don't think she would mind. I know sometimes parents feel guilty about leaving Grandparents out, but we do understand.. the kids like to make their own special memories. Have a good time!

We usually go to their house on the weekend before Halloween with the kids dressed up and have our own Halloween celebration then. That would be my ILs since my mom lives in another state and my dad is not big into holidays. So that leaves us home on Halloween to spend together and trick or treat in our neighborhood.

As for Christmas morning it is special to us and we've talked to ILs about it and we just go over there for lunch to celebrate.

We usually do something with the grandparents on Christmas Eve. Then on actual Chrismas, we spend that just as a family. It works well for us. That allows the kids to spend time and eat dinner with them Christmas Eve and open a few gifts. Then do that with our family the next day.

As for your question, I think its completely reasonable that the family have alone time too. I like the idea of her coming at 11. Or you could suggest christmas eve dinner together and then she comes over christmas afternoon. That way the family would have the whole day to do what they want.

Let me give you this grandma’s perspective. It’s all about EMPATHY! Since becoming a grandma in 2003, the most important thing I’ve learned is to have open discussions about wishes and expectations on both sides. That way you can each appreciate each other’s perspectives.
If the new parents can start the new grandparent relationship by sitting down with the grandparents and saying: We want you to be part of our lives and share family traditions with us in a way that works for all of us. How would you like to participate?
Once you find out the grandparents’ expectations, then you can set some conditions. For example, on Christmas morning we’d like to have just our new little family together and then invite you over for the rest of the day.
By discussing things at the beginning, you set the stage for more open conversations in the future. But often you just have to give it a try and see how things work out. Then you may have to adjust for the following year.
I’ve been writing about these issues on my GaGa Sisterhood blog for the past four years and I understand both perspectives. Grandmas feel sad when we’re not included but we realize that the new parents want time alone to bond.
I’ve just written a book called “When Being a Grandma isn’t So Grand: 4 Keys to L.O.V.E. Your Grandchild’s Parents,” that includes the grandma’s and the mom’s perspective in this complex relationship.
As I said at the beginning, it’s all about EMPATHY.

To me, I think it is important to include Grandma but in the case of Christmas I think it is fine to have the morning for just your individual family and then have Grandma over for brunch and to open additional presents. That way you get the best of both worlds. That is what we do.

My question is do the Grandparent(s) involved really care about going to the event.

We always ask what sort of involvement our close by (less than a mile) grandparents was to have in each holiday.

I inquired about Halloween...I have one set of great aunt and uncle that would be super disappointed not to see the kids in their costumes and take them door to door just a couple of houses in their neighborhood to show the kids off. The grandparents told me that they were going into hiding on Halloween and don't bring the kids by...okay, saves us a stop, but I am sad for them it is memories they will never get back with their grandkids.

If the grandparents want to be involved...find a way to involve them...if they don't well I guess you don't have an issue.

Asking her to come a little later is not bad. That's what we do. We like to have a few hours in the morning to ourselves before the chaos begins. But not inviting grandma at all is selfish. If your brother wants a break from mom then you should have her over for Christmas, but she should not ever spend any holiday alone.

Halloween, neither set of grandparents will be there. I guess we usually go see my IL so they can see them in their costumes but they left this year so this year we won't see either on Halloween. Regarding Christmas, my parents go visit each family individually to give them their presents. Mainly because if they didn't one brother wouldn't go see them and they wouldn't be able to give their gifts to the grandchildren. They usually reach our house between 10am and 12pm. After that we go to the inlaws house and have brunch. Sometimes, I'd really like to just let if go and just be with my hubby and children.

I see both sides of this.

My grandma, on moms side, only had us, and really we only had her. Every Christmas morning we had to wait for her to get there. She didn't live far and she would come, even if we woke up at 4 am ready to open our presents. As a kid I LOVED it, as an adult who's grandma has passed I cherish it. This was pretty much true of every holiday, school event or activity.

Now my MIL doesn't come over Christmas morning, nor Christmas eve. My problem is that every holiday always has to be at her house. I have 8 kids, and yes my house is smaller then her's but it would be so much nicer if she would come here. This is true for birthdays even.

Why do I put up with it? Because Grandmas are one in a million, because someday I hope my kids will be as forgiving of me as I am of them if I have any grandma moments. Plus, I want my kids to have the same memories of their grandma that I have of mine. Even if it makes me a little crazy :)

When my parents were still leaving here, we did our own special thing on one day (Eve or Day, can't remember) and spent the other with them. I think there can be a fair deal of compromise.

My mom lives close to both my brother and I. One year she stays at our house Xmas Eve to open presents early in the morning and then goes in her pj's to my brothers to open presents with my nieces. That gives my brother and his family Xmas Eve to do their "family" thing and the next year she stays with my brother Xmas Eve so we all get "family" time each year. I wouldn't want it any other way - for the 1st years of our family we also had my grammy there too - 3 generations of family fun - my boys still talk about the stuff grammy said and did. Sometimes it is frustrating that my mom wants to be included on all our family things, but I also know she's always the "go-to" granny when I need a babysitter, a driver, someone to take care of a sick kid so I can go to work, someone to come pick up kids from school cuz I forgot it was a minimum day etc. It's a trade off I can live with. I also remember my grandparents at every single thing I ever did fondly and want my kids to have the same good memories!

When my mom is in town for Christmas I want nothing more than to be with her. My MIL and FIL live across the country so there is not a conflict there. For Thanksgiving we get together as well. To me those are holidays for extended family's. Halloween we used to go over to trick or treat at her house but the last few years she's been gone. But she likes to see them dressed up. To me for Christmas and Thanksgiving not its not fair to me not to involve her especially if she has not one else to be with. If they want special time in the morning they can ask her to come over after they do their presents.