Vent About MIL/SIL and Maybe a Little Bit of a Question

I just wanted to say "kudos to you" for venting here instead of starting something over nothing. Really. It is what it is, you can't change it, and you respect that life isn't "fair".
At least your MIL/FIL WANT to spend time with your kids. It sounds like they are pretty great grandparents, actually. They made a commitment to your SIL and her kids and they are living up to it. So good for Grandma, too!

When it works out and can happen, great. But if you don't feel like driving out, don't, and don't feel guilty. Roads work both ways, like you said.
But all in all... small potatoes. Glad you are aware of it.
:)

You answered your question with #4 and #5. I don't see anything wrong with her referring to herself in the 3rd person to your kids. I sometimes refer to myself as mommy to my 3 yr old. I know your kids are a little older, but she may still see them as little. Maybe it's a little annoying when she refers to herself as 'she' but definitely nothing to have your husband have a talk with her about.
You can't really try to control the way she wants to speak. Just saying, from a person who has had some major issues with my MIL in the past, these aren't things to start something over, which is what will probably happen if you or hubby say something.

I'll be positive. It's awesome that you know that you're jealous and in the wrong.

My brother and his kids get my mom's time, despite his kids being older and despite the kids spending alternating weekends with his ex-wife. In regards to who "needs" my mom the most, it should be me. In regards to who wants to be with my mom the most, that's also me. However, the reality is that I'm far more capabale of independently handling the little things life throws my way. It's not fair, but it is what it is. There's no point wasting a lot of energy being jealous. If my mom wanted to say "no" and mean it, she could. If your MIL didn't want to babysit her daughter's kids, she wouldn't. She and her daughter have an arrangement worked out, and whatever that is shouldn't really be anything to you. Nothing you do or say will help your case. Maybe you just need to pat yourself on the back and remind yourself that maybe you and your hubby are just more capable of managing your own lives than your SIL and her hubby are of managing theirs.

I feel for you, really. I'm going to make it easier for you. This is your MIL. She is your husband's mother. There is no reason why you should have to explain to your husband's family why you can't visit their house at the lake when it's inconvenient for you. Your new answer when (if) she asks you about going to the lake house or visiting in general will now be "oh, not sure if that works for us. I'll have to check with your wonderful son and I'll have him get back to you on that." Problem solved. Enjoy your stress free summer!

1. That my kids have to go only on the weekend because that is what's convenient for my SIL's schedule.

How old is your mother in law? has she said she doesn't want the kids at the same time as other sil's kids? or is this a perception you have?

2. That my MIL gets "upset" about us not going to the lake more often when I feel that our only visiting options are relegated to weekends. My husband works full time, that's OUR family time too - and we don't want to spend hours in traffic every weekend. Plus to be honest, we live in a nice area near nice beaches and everything else. Why do we want to miss out on all that every weekend?

again is this something she has said or that you are percieving. I am in my 50's and handle at any given time my 3 grandchildren, 2 god children and another friends children. why would you think she couldn't handle them at the same time? she might prefer them all at once as opposed to having sil's in the week and yours on the weekend she might want her weekends free.

3. That my MIL told my kids they might not see her and Papa (Grandpa) for a while because of the construction happening on one of the roads - that it is too difficult of a trip for us to make to them and vice versa. Well again, with both of them being retired, they SHOULD be able to come and see my kids easily but due to watching SIL's kids they cannot.

sounds like sister in laws kids are her job.

4. That I feel my SIL is taking advantage of my MIL but who am I - that's her daughter and she has every right to say no if she doesn't want to.

you are right about your own response to number 4. it is not your business. even if she was sitting for some stranger it is not your business what she does to earn a living.

5. That I am of course jealous because my SIL is getting almost free childcare. (We live too far from them, it's not like she chose her over us, they live 5 min from one another. This is just jealousy.

lol. the whole post is kind of about jealous. your jealous that you don't live closer. Take advantage of a grandparent who does it at all. my own mom did daycare for more than 40 years. and to get her to keep my kids was like pulling teeth. I wish I had one who would have taken my kids.

oh didn't address the speaking in 3rd person thing. yes it would drive me nuts

Yep. I sometimes get...I don't know if jealous is the right word...maybe irked...that my sister asks my mother to watch her daughters frequently (3 to 4 days per week and 2 to 3 weekends a month). I guess what irks me is that my sister doesn't pay our mom anything and doesn't even bother to say thank you. It is like she just feels it is a given that someone else will take care of her kids because she has to work. My mom has some health issues that make her tired. Some days she just physically cannot watch the girls. On those days my sister acts very put out that she has to make other arrangements. Yeah, sorry your free child care isn't working out for you one day a month. My sister and her husband are having financial difficulty so I understand that she needs to work, needs the pay check, needs to pick up extra hours but she could show a little gratitude. If my mom and dad have plans that coincide on a day when my sister wants to pick up an extra shift she gets pissed. Then, of course, my sister and her husband make weekend plans, even though they can't pay their bills they somehow find money to go on outings, and get all pissy when my parents say no, we can't watch the girls because we are going to the theater.

Well, that's my rant. I feel better!

My advice to you....try to visit them one weekend a month and ask them to visit you one weekend a month. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. Just a day trip. Or Saturday dinner.

L., do you mind if I tell you just how MUCH I respect the end of your rant? That is so terrific, that you actually KNOW that you're jealous and in the wrong. There are some people out there who would actually throw all of this on someone else and not even see themselves like you have!

I'll just bet talking about this makes you feel better. (Plus the fact that you actually understand what's going on.) Your SIL IS taking advantage of her. Your MIL probably feels like there is nothing she can do about it either. She's "in too deep", so to speak, and she doesn't know how to wiggle out of it. At least she asked for money, since they are well off.

You are right - she can't watch all these kids by herself (combined families). She probably is voicing wishful thinking that you could come more. I doubt that she's trying to make you feel guilty - indeed, she might realize that she may seem to care more about your SIL's kids than yours, and it isn't that way, and she may be saying she wants to see you more in hopes that you understand that she really DOESN'T have favorites. (Could that be it? You would know if she really shows favoritism or not.)

Maybe she feels so guilty about not seeing your kids that she is bracing herself for not seeing them, by telling them about the construction.

The third person thing? My gosh, that must drive you crazy to hear! I'm so sorry! But I can't imagine that you could break this habit, no matter WHAT you said to her. Put cotton in your ears instead! (Note to Dawn - when you become a grandmother, don't EVER talk like this to your grandkids!!! Thank you, L.!!)

Hugs!
Dawn

I think that it's classic in-law stuff to be honest. And I don't blame you for being jealous or upset, however, I wouldn't look for that situation to change. I'd be miffed that you're expected to drive hours with 3 kids... one being an infant.

The next time that your MIL says how sad she is that you can't get to the lake more often, I would kindly say, we'd love to see you more, but with our schedules and the kids being little we have so little time. I hope that when the kids get older it will be easier to make the trip. It would be so great if you and FIL could come sometime and spend time with us and the kids in our area. You're welcome any time.

As for the jealousy and the SIL stuff... let it go. It just is. We have the same situation here except that we are the only ones with kids and she still doesn't visit. The SILs here are geographically closer and they all just band together. So weird... only grandkids and we never see them.

I can relate . . . my two sisters and their kids live very near our parents. Yet when we come to town (from 1400 miles away) I sometimes feel like we are cramping everyone's routine. I love them all so I never say much. But I get where you're coming from.

Good for you getting it out in a non-destructive way!

I would also guess that your MIL feels more comfortable with her own daughter and her kids, versus you the DIL (not that that makes it OK). And MIL probably secretly likes calling the shots with those GK's, and she can't with yours.

Sigh . . . hugs.

My mom refers to herself in the 3rd person with my grandchildren. It's beyond stupid and I just don't get it.

I think it's a little rude that you mil tells your children that they won't see their grandparents because you and your hubby can't bring them to visit every weekend. You need to put your own family first. You shouldn't be put in the position to having to go if you don't want to drive. Next time remind your mil that the road goes both ways; they can drive to you for a visit.

As far as being jealous of your sil? Sounds like you have every reason to be jealous. Your inlaws are being taken advantage of by their daughter. Anything you say about it will fall on deaf ears since it's got nothing to do with you. However since it would be easier for you to visit during the week you might mention that you can't go on the weekends but if they want you can visit during the week. If mil says no then say to your child that Mema says you can't go there to visit. Since she thinks nothing of doing it to you I'd do it back to her.

I say tell her you want to come down for a few days on weekdays, stop assuming she won't or cant because of her schedule, she J. may surpise you and be happy about it and rearrange things. You want her to not watch her grandkids J. in case you want to visit?
Also 2-3 hours for a weekend trip with family isnt bad at all. sure you have beaches but not cousins, grandparents and so on, schedule a weekend trip soon...maybe she can watch the kids and you can get alone time with your husband too=)

I do understand jealousy. My mom lives in the same house with my brother and grandkids, we are 40 minutes away andshe sees my daugter once every few months or an much as I drive down, yet she can drive my brothers kids 8 hours to visit their moms house with thm easily

Sigh. There's just something grating about the MIL relationship. Your in-laws do sound sweet and well meaning, but hey, I get annoyed at my MIL too.

And then, of course, I get ridiculously annoyed when my husband bitches and moans about my own mom, so it cuts both ways.

With my MIL, she's a lovely person, and I know I can't complain, but sometimes I feel like she lives on a different planet from me. Like, a nearby planet, very similar, but completely alien somehow. For example, she insists in talking veeeeeeeeeery slooooooooly to my 6-yr-old, so he'll understaaaaaaaaaaand eeeeeverything. I mean, the kid is 6! She'll be like, "N, you're suuuuuuuuch a gooood reeeeader. You can read Haaaaaarry Potter." I mean, if he can read Harry Potter, don't you think he KNOWS he can read Harry Potter??? Sweetest, best-intentioned person in the world. But just gets under my collar and won't get out.

Sorry to hijack, if I have. I get where you're coming from.

I love your honesty. Feeling crazy about something you know you have no right to feel crazy about is hard. How does your husband feel about the whole set up? I imagine if he were to talk to his mother about how he would love to have them visit for a while and could his sister get childcare from someone else for a week or two, it would go over very differently than if you asked. And at least that question would be out there as an option, which might soothe your jealously somewhat.

You need to breathe, lol. :)
It's perfectly normal to feel jealous. My brother and his daughter LIVE with my mom. For awhile she didn't even bother to make time for me or my children. But I've learned her attachment to my niece is caused by concern for her well-being, not an actual preference. My mom loves how independent I am. (I don't need her to babysit, etc.)
Oh and my MIL spends time with 2 of my husband's exs and their kids. Talk about a slap in the face. He went 6 months without talking to his mom over drama stirred because of that. Just remember that you only have control over YOU. Don't stress over the rest.
And it sounds like you're over analyzing your MIL's behavior. You seriously wish to censor and /or control how she chooses to speak to your children?? Whoa, take a step back and think here. It's not like she's cussing, being inappropriate, or abusing them. So she speaks in the 3rd person, and it annoys YOU. And? Remember once again that you cannot control HER actions, only your own.
By the way, I call myself Mommy all the time. That's not a big deal in my book. I wish the problems you described were all I had to worry about with my MIL.

I grew up on the road....so a 3hr drive after work on Friday is nothing to me. :) It's all in how you look at it, how much you enjoy the trip, & whether or not Peace is at the end of the road for you.

For my family, when Mom came home from work, we had the car/boat all loaded up & we hit the road. 2 1/2-3 hours later (depending on traffic) we'd be at our lake house.....& then home again on Sunday night - sometimes arriving back in the city as late as 9pm. We did this my entire childhood, most wkends between March & November. It was rare for us to miss more than 1 wkend each month! Oh & we were building our lake home at the same time!

I still am on the road regularly. My sis lives 90 minutes away, & my mom is 2 1/2 hours. We do road trips a lot, & always look forward to our next one! I am blessed that both of my sons are well-seasoned road trippers... & have been since birth. In fact, entering Brag City, we just finished a 4000+ mile trip for our summer vacation....then spent the next 2 wkends traveling back/forth to St Louis for family events. It is simply "our way of life".

As for your IL angst, I sincerely hope your final line finishes it all for you. Quit drawing lines in the sand, quit finding ways to find fault/lay blame. Make your life choices & live with them. It is your life, not theirs. :)

Final thought: having lived a "lake life", it's the best thing in the world. Memories in the making....almost endlessly.

1. That my kids have to go only on the weekend because that is what's convenient for my SIL's schedule.
- Why can't you stay and help chaperone? Unless I'm reading your posting inaccurately, you could offer to go with your MIL and between the two of you let the kids enjoy time togehter.
2. That my MIL gets "upset" about us not going to the lake more often when I feel that our only visiting options are relegated to weekends.
- It honestly sounds like you don't want to go on the weekends, so you are finding reasons to be upset. You "feel" that your only options are weekends... have you asked her about midweek visits or is this an assumption? If you haven't asked, then do so.
3. That my MIL told my kids they might not see her and Papa (Grandpa) for a while because of the construction happening on one of the roads.
- Invite them for a visit and let them either say yes or no. If they have committed to watching their other grandchildren, why not extend the invite to your nieces/nephews? "MIL, why don't you guys bring the kids here for the day? We would love to see you and the kids would love a playdate with their cousins"
4. That I feel my SIL is taking advantage of my MIL but who am I - that's her daughter and she has every right to say no if she doesn't want to.
- Not your business. This is between mother and daughter... what you feel or think is irrelevant.
5. That I am of course jealous because my SIL is getting almost free childcare. (We live too far from them, it's not like she chose her over us, they live 5 min from one another. This is just jealousy.
- No need to comment here because you know that you are jealous of the perks she's getting because she lives close to her mother.

I am in a similar situation. My MIL does very little to help us, but helps her daughter and other grandchildren on a daily basis (she's on vacation with them now... and paying for the trip b/c they "need a break") while my husband is the one she calls to change her lightbulbs (literally). My parents live nextdoor to my younger sister (in another state) and they have her children ALL THE TIME. It makes me very upset when I call to talk with my mom and she's "got the kids" for some random reason. The kicker was when she took my sister out to lunch and to get her hair done because she has been so "overwhelmed" since having her 3rd child (10 days before I had mine). Want to know who gave me an hour break? No one. We went on our first date in over 18 months last month... cost us an extra $50 for a babysitter. My sister couldn't tell you what the going rate is for a sitter because she's never had to call one.

The upside? My mother stays out of my parenting. I know that sounds silly, but my sister and SIL "pay" for their childcare in the sense that they have to co-parent with their mothers. If you ask your mother to care for your children, she's going to do whatever the hell she wants and there's NOTHING you can do about it. I just remind myself "there's no such thing as a free lunch". Everything has a price... if you are unhappy with your childcare you can get a new babysitter. If your mom does something you don't like, you can't get a new mom... and you can't avoid her either!