Cranky Father

I wonder if he would hear you if you explained to him that his daughters learn how a man should treat them from him. Does he really want them to marry men who yell at them, who are constantly finding fault, who make them feel like they are never good enough, and who always assumes the worst of them? He needs to know that the way he treats them will echo throughout their lives, not just affect them on what he no doubt perceives as the occasional bad day.

Knowledge does not change behavior. The only thing that changes behavior is a commitment to making small changes and practicing those new behaviors, daily, over a long period of time. A person who could help him may be a counselor, or a life coach.

What they can guide him to do is to think about scenarios and how he could handle them instead of the way he is now. So, instead of this - do that. In addition to this - do that. The ideas need to be his own, with guidance. To create motivation to go through this work, he needs to be able to envision what the outcomes are he wants - how does he want his daughters to remember him, to talk about him, to feel about him, for example. How does he want his home life to be right now. What does he want in your marriage, etc. Once he can envision what he wants to make happen, he can begin designing the new practices that will replace the old over time.

He needs to be bought in to this. NOT that he is in need of "fixing" but to understand that things could be better for your whole family than they are right now.

A qualified 3rd party is a good idea.

It sounds like your conversation planted a good seed. Maybe you need to give him more information as it sounds like he probably wants to be a good dad but doesn't have the tools. Would he consider reading some parenting books or going to some classes or seminars. I would suggest researching some ahead of time to make sure the philosophy would connect with him so that its effective. Maybe get him to go to a love and logic class, you could go with him. I am not saying that a wonderful technique or anything but I know there are lots of classes and it's not about yelling. Even if you guys don't like the philosophy, it would open up the conversation and keep him thinking about how he parents.
He obviously knows how to get along with you and resolve conflict, so it could be that he feels that yelling is the only way to keep his kids in line or to be a father.

He probably doesn't know what to do - and by that I mean *not a clue*! - so don't expect him to go further with the conversation.

So what can you do? You could announce that you're going to see a counselor to learn how to be a better parent, and ask him to come along. Maybe he will, especially if he thinks he's not being nagged at by his wife. Then try to find a counselor he particularly likes. It may take a while before you find the right one.

Pick up the thread of that conversation you began. Do not wait. Time will elapse and it will be harder to bring it up again with him. You and he together should go to a parenting class or counseling pronto. Find some classes or family counselors and then sit him down at a good time (kids not around, he's calm) and let him see that this is important to you.

It should be important to him because his children are already starting to think of him as "cranky dad" and "yelling dad." Tell him that it breaks your heart to know your children already associate him with anger and raised voices, not with affection and calm. Is that how he wants them to identify him and remember him?

You can tell a kid a thousand times, "I really do love you and you know I'm not really angry when I yell...." but the thousand times mean nothing against the times he does indeed yell.

Their teenage years will be a nightmare if he cannot learn before then to be more flexible, pick his battles and choose to praise them rather than criticize. By then they will not want to share anything with him for fear they won't meet his high standards and will just get yelled at. Is that how he wants them to see him?

No, of course not. But can you get him to see that he's on that path?
If he pulls the "my dad yelled at me and I turned out OK" routine that some people use -- oh, truly, parenting classes/counseling are truly vital.

If there is something deeper going on, then counseling or parenting classes or books are in order. If you have a pretty good read on the situation, he just may need direction from you. My hubby is a great guy also, but tended to do the same thing- yell or be short-tempered with our daughter. I noticed that she might do something fairly small that bothered him, and try to ignore it, so by the 5th time she did it, he blew up. So it built up for him and he lost it, but she never knew she was doing anything wrong. I had to point this out to him, and work on him saying something when it first happens and he isn't so frustrated.

Again, great hubby, great dad, but sometimes dads just need us to tell them what to do. I wonder if that's the case with you guys? If it is, ask him if he's ok with you pointing out what you think is the problem and what you might suggest he do about it, and then support that change. But again, if it's something that's beyond motherly suggestions, he may need some help from a professional. I too grew up around a lot of yelling and I just won't have it here!

Good luck!

I went through that with my hubby and granddaughter. I was awarded guardianship of her when she was 5, she's now 12. At first, hubby had no patience with her and always seemed to find fault with anything and everything she did. He would tell her to go play, but everything she asked to do (i.e., ride her bike, rollerblade, etc) was met with a swift "No." One night I sat him down and just told him that I could not take it any more and she should not have to live with that so if he couldn't get his stuff together in dealing with her, she and I would have to leave. There was no argument or tension or anything. It was just very matter-of-fact. He didn't say much, but the next day, everything was different. It has gotten better every single day and they are now thick as thieves.

Just be honest with your hubby and try to work with him to get where he and you want him to be. It is a daily struggle, but soon he will find that being nice and patient with them becomes a habit.

Does he drink coffee or soda? They can have a big impact on ability to control temper (caffeine) . Another thing that can cause temper flares is hypo or hyper - glycemia. Lastly, those who have a toxic body buildup will have anger issues also, the reason is that bacteria , parasites or fungus will irritate the nervous system like nails on a chalkboard. It is amazing the see the agitation, anger and nervous energy (first flair) and then dissipate as a person detoxes.

Does he want to change how he parents?
Because he's got to want to.
Anger management might help him learn to deal with his frustration with the kids in more appropriate / constructive ways.
As it is, the kids are just tuning his yelling (and him) out.
I wouldn't want our son to remember his Dad as just someone who barks all the time.

What is his father like? Most of us learn parenting skills from our parents.

I recommend counseling for both of you. He needs to learn skills to handle his behavior.

Sounds like he's a good man without a clue as to how to parent. I love the advice for him to get counseling or coaching, because teaching him practical steps will go so much farther than just telling him he's doing it wrong, or that he needs to be "nicer" or "calmer." My ex was very strict, harsh, and cold with our daughter. Once we got divorced and he didn't have her around all the time, he suddenly became nice and started trying to be a good father at last. I don't know if it was because he and I both received co-parenting counseling during the divorce or because he finally appreciated the wonderful daughter we had, but it was a lovely change to see at last, even though it came after the marriage was over. If he can change, anyone can, believe me.

Short version: Your husband can learn to be a kinder father with a little guidance and practical advice. Good luck!