Husband Thinks Son Is 33 and Not 3 - Houston,TX

there's a nice free parenting class with free materials and child care mornings and evenings at the JCC, ###-###-####.

I also recommend buying a parenting book, or checking out one from the local library. And bookmarking passages that you would like your husband to read.

Books that I like are No-Cry Discipline Solution, How to Talk So Kids will Listen, and Love and Logic for Early Childhood.

Your husband may be acting out the way he was raised, and it might help for him to hear or read an outside viewpoint.

This part may not be good advice, but in your shoes I'd be tempted to ask my husband why he thinks our three year old is capable of self-control. Especially since his adult role model doesn't seem to be able to control his frustration and stop yelling.

I agree, your husband is probably mimicking his upbringing and just does not know his options for dealing with Benjamin.

I would suggest getting a parenting book for dads. I would also encourage you all to find other families with involved dads and their children, so that your husband can see how they parent.

The behavior your son is mimicking? Is probably his fathers behavior. Your husband can break this cycle.

We have to take classes to learn how to drive a car, but they just let you leave the hospital with a human infant because it is yours. Parenting has to be learned just like any other skill. People go to college for many years to learn to care for and help children. Your husband has not had this opportunity.

Unfortunately, your husband is teaching him to yell, scream and talkback. Your husband is the role-model that your son will mold his behavior to copy. And as he gets older, it will be more difficult for you both to control your son's verbal outbursts if he has learned from a very young age that verbally venting uncontrolled anger and frustration is acceptable and normal.

If you both speak to him in controlled voices, it will make huge strides in avoiding discipline headaches in the future. (Heck, we all get frustrated and angry... We all lose patience. But verbal venting should be the last response instead of the first.)

I agree with a previous poster that this is probably normal for your husband's recollection of his own childhood. However, what exactly is your husband angry about... Is it possible that there are underlying issues that are feeding his anger and your son's behavior at some particular time is just redirecting that frustration?

You have received some great advice already. I don't have advice for the long term parenting situation, but only for the short term. Your husband may not agree to it, but I hope he will.

Ask him to whisper softly to your son when he needs to get hiis attention.... not to merely talk softly, but to actually whisper so the boy has to come close, make eye contact, and he will surely whisper back.

I have found that whispering to a child gets his attention far more than shouting. Either they tune out the shout, it frightens them or they just can't process the combination of volume and words, but with whispering we have to be close and listen. Your husband will, in turn, have to listen when Ben whispers back. Whispering also tends to calm a person down.

I wish you the best, and I hope this offers a short term solution while you work on the parenting concerns long-term.

This is probably THE hardest thing to deal with. Whoever said that the mother/daughter relationship was difficult obviously never observed a father/son. My husband is a former Marine. Loves sports, hunting, etc all things "male". My son (now 20) loves video games, music (was in varsity choir instead of football!!), movies, books, and girls!! Talk about 2 different men! I have had several headbutting instances. Some things I've learned is that one you need to talk to hubby away from when the behavior is occurring. And I know this sounds horrible but sometimes after everything is going hubby's way (dinner, relaxing, sex) calmly approach him and tell him that your fear about him being so hard on Benjamin is that Benjamin will grow up to resent him. And that your greatest wish is that Dad will be Benjamin's hero and that can't happen if he's always yelling at him and if been is scared of Dad. You said you feel that Dad is expecting too much out of son. Have you tried having other 3 yr old boys around so that Dad can observe what is normal behavior? That always helps around my house. It's amazing how "good" my child is when compared to some others in the world!

You can't object to dad's style in front of Benjamin. It angers dad and undermines his position in the family. Benjamin will very quickly manipulate that to his advantage. Kids are masters at that even at age 3!! It will be very hard on your marriage which must come first.

Also please consider that Dad is trying to teach Benjamin how to be a man. No matter how hard we try, that is something we will never be able to teach, simply because we are women. We don't know how to be a man. One thing that Dr. Laura has said is that children, even at a very young age, know the difference between mom & dad parenting techniques. They don't always take dad's yelling & deep voice as threatening or intimidating the way we, as women and mothers, have a tendancy to do. Sometimes its necessary to listen to day without your mother ears. Children need to learn cope with different types of authority because that is what the world is full of. He won't be able to expect that all people discipline the same way as mom and what better way to learn that than in the safety of his home. As long as dad and you are consistent in WHAT you are teaching the how often works its way through.

Sorry this is so long but it is a very tough situation. Wait until Isabel is older and Dad starts asking why your so hard on her & you start wondering why he is so easy on his "baby" girl. It's because your teaching her to be a woman and you know what it takes to survive as a woman in this world and being a pampered baby girl just won't cut it!!

Good luck!

This probably has EVERYTHING to do with how your husband was raised and his fears about parenting a boy. I'm reminded of Johnny Cash's song "A Boy Named Sue" in which the guy gave his son the name so he would have to learn to be tough.

Your husband probably will not be able to hear it from you, because you're on the inside. On some level and for some reason, your parenting style is not valid to him. Talk to a therapist who can give you some tips for getting through to him or just give you peace of mind in this. It might take a third party whom he respects to show him the difference.

Hi L.! Usually, yelling is a typical "I haven't got a clue as to what I'm doing" reaction. Have you made any plans to get together with other families, like having picnics, etc? Sometimes the dad needs some social interaction to see how the other dad's do it. We as mom's always need to be one step ahead of the game. Leave your talking to your husband on the back burner, and just do the mommy/wife thing. Make plans, & create a fun atmosphere for the family to enjoy. Make some plans to be alone with hubby as well. He may be competing with your son for your attention. Let me know if this helps.

L.,
I think you have received some good advice. However, I disagree with those who think that your husband needs to teach him "how to be a man" by screaming at him. All children need respect and all need modeling of appropriate behavior. Unless you want to see the children flying off the handle at every frustration then your husband needs to stop and learn more appropriate ways to parent.
One solution may be to tape record one of his outbursts and let him hear it later, out of ear shot of the kids. Try to remember what triggered it and then ask, "Was the crime worth this much anger?". When kids are frightened by an angry adult, they stop listening. Asking Ben when it is all over what just happened might prove it.
You can't spoil a 3 yr old. You can however destroy his little ego with very little effort.
I would go with the idea of having other parents over with their kids. If you have family, that would be best. When he sees that other Dads don't react this way, he may catch on.
When he does, then ask about his stress level and perhaps he needs to run before he comes home or put a punching bag in the basement, but stress is no excuse. I am thinking that you have to be at least as stressed as he is.
Counseling is always an option, but I know if you are both working then finding the time is not easy. But you may have to consider it.
I wish you every success with this.

Hang in there! I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter who was being really rude to my husband and not wanting to be around him. I took a look at our relationship and realized I had been stressing out and taking everything out on him. My daughter saw this and fed off my beahvior. She saw Mommy being ugly to Daddy and did the same. I am so glad I noticed when I did! I also bought the book, How to Behave so your Children Will. Parenting is challenging and always keeps us Mommies on our toes! Does your husband have a way to releive stress before he comes home? He might be bringing home stress from work and takes it our by yelling at your son. Best of Luck

Oh yeah, this area is always a tough one. Men and women have such different parenting styles at times. My husband and I had some rounds on this subject. For instance when my little boy would get tired and start acting up a little, my husband would punish him. This would upset me so much because I would think that our son was tired and needed some understanding and then be put to bed. Well one day my husband goes "Well what happens when he is grown and he holds up a liquor store because he was tired or just having a bad day!" I of course said this was ridiculous and stormed off, but it did get me thinking. What we have discovered is that I had to toughen up a bit and he had to soften up a bit and the line was somewhere between our two styles. But a major thing I found was listening to my husband and validating that his discipline was ok and that he was doing what he felt was right as a parent was huge. Also learning to back my husband up even when I felt he was too hard was super important. Otherwise it comes off like you think you are the superior parent and puts you two at odds and then kids can feel when mom and dad are not in unity, and they will try to conquer!! So I would say try listening and validating and then ask him to do the same and you guys may make some discoveries. From what you wrote it sounds like your husband is a good Dad and trying to do what he thinks is right, so appreciate that and I bet that he will be much more open to seeing your side of things. Best wishes!! :)

This is always a tough situation and goes on a lot more than you might realize. My guess is that your husband is young? He probably just doesn't have a clue of what to do or just mimicking what he knows from his own upbringing. Also, is Benjamin being disrespectful in anyway to you or your husband? That can really set a parent off. Obviously you both need to be in agreement regarding your children. My advice would be to educate yourself as much as possible. One good book is called "The Strong Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson. He has written a lot of great family focused books that I'm sure you would find very helpful. You will most likely have to have another discussion with your husband but when you do I have some suggestions. First, I would pray and ask The Lord for guidance and wisdom to say the right things so that the conversation is productive. When you sit down to talk again, start off with a positive otherwise he will view it as an attack and immediately get defensive which will lead nowhere. For example, let him know how much you appreciate him; how hard he works for your family, etc. Tell him that you understand that he wants your children to be well behaved, respectful and to grow up to be well rounded individuals as I'm sure you do as well. Be a good listener too. Allow him to get some things off of his chest if needed. Explain that you want to work together for the benefit of your children and try to come to some sort of agreement or compromise. Lastly, be patient. Chances are he already knows that the yelling is wrong but doesn't know how to change his behavior. Prayer and patience. God bless!

Since you can't reason with your husband, he may need COUNSELING.

What exactly does Benjamin do that sets your husband off? I agree that yelling is setting a bad example and all it does is make the child afraid of him and as he gets older it will lead to resentment and rebellion, but maybe you do spoil the child. Maybe you should go to the library and check out some books on how to talk to little ones because what they learn at home is what they'll take out into the world with them.

It has helped (not a whole lot but at least some) for my husband to see now how our son handles his anger and is quick to yell now that he's 5. But I haven't found a way to really effectively be in his face about it.

Have your husband come with you on your son's next well visit and discuss this with the pediatrician. Also frankly I would suggest your husband learn how to read and pick up a book on the subject of child development. Ask him if yelling worked on him when he was a kid. If he just gets pissy, or if this yelling thing is constant, you all need a third party to intervene in this family dynamic.

Bless you heart! The best thing that you can do is lead by example. Kids are kids. There is no easy solution to making a toddler act right, and boys are simply put more aggressive and energetic and trying than girls. The best thing you can do is continue to lead by example. And, continue to try to educate your husband on positive reinforcment. A couple of things to think about... Your baby will only be a bady once, your toddler a toddler once and a child a child once. That's it! Think about this too... what do you remember about being a child? Also as our therapist put it... "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!" My husband and I were pretty tough on our first born, Jake! We were impatient and short tempered although we were not into spankings we knew how to show we're the boss. Well guess what? We have a beautiful impatient andshort tempered boy! Gee I wonder where that comes from? And it is really strange how our daughter does many of the same things Jake did as a toddler, but gee we are so patient whe her. You really need to show both your son and your husband how to be patient and kind otherwise you'll be in that boat with your little girl. It is going to be hard enought for your son to see everyone oooing and ahhhing on her for years to come, he'll have some resentment there alone. So by example continue with the positive reinforcement for your entire families well being. One thing that really worked for us when our son was a toddler was when he misbehaved take away a favorite toy until he does better. Like one day he hit a kid a day care, so we took away his legos. Next day he hit another kids at school so we took away he hot wheels. Guess what? He caught a clue when he didn;t hit at school and he got one of his toys back. There can be simple solutions. Reading Mammaspace and Parenting Magazines are great resources. Kepp it up, pray about it and keep trying to plant seeds with your husband. We had to go to therapy for my husband to see he had a very short fuse and also understand that he tought that to our son!! Lots of luck...Mommies are strong and your will prevail!! PEACE... CJ

I know exactly where your coming from. My hubby is constantly yelling at our almost 3 year old and expects him to behave as if he were an adult. When we go out is the absolute worst. I have actually stopped going out to dinner or almost anwhere with him and the kids because he "THE DAD" makes the biggest scene. You would think he brought the army Drill Seargent home with him. Anywho...

I know it is because he is stressing about other things and I have begun to ask him to leave the room when Patrick (our oldest boy) is making him furious. I deal with the problem and then usually make the little man apologize to the big man. So far that has been working pretty good. It may be worth a try for you. I started it by telling my hubby I wanted to run an experiment and see if the good parent/bad parent thing worked. So far Daddy only is seen in the light of playing and very occasional punishment (the really bad behavior) and mommy does the every day stuff.

I hope this helps, sometimes the only way to get through to them is to drag their butts to a joint counseling session. I know that sounds harsh, but some men just wont believe what is right in front of their nose.

Huggs and good luck
R.
Military wife and mom of a son almost 3, Daughter 1 1/2, and baby boy 4 months.

My husband does the same thing. I read your post and it sounds exactly like my home. Nothing I have ever said got through to my husband. We have just started family counseling because it has started to REALLY affect my now six year old son (my daughter is 2 1/2).

I can sympathize. I hope some of the other suggestions work for you. If not look for some professional help for the whole family. Hang in there!