Hey Guys I'm Looking for Advice!

React when you are not angry. If a friend does something that upset you then talk to them when you have calmed down. If you can't even do that, find a therapist.

Sounds like you grew up in a home where no one ever taught you or modeled how to deal with frustration other than with anger/violence. I'm not sure what "old fashioned" and "violence" have as a connection - do you mean that it was a "spare the rod, spoil the child" atmosphere with a lot of corporal punishment?

Yes, controlling your anger is your responsibility - but how are you going to do that without the skills? What would you do with any other subject where you needed skills? You'd take a class, most likely. Yes, you can read a book, but the reason we don't all educate our society by books alone is that there is no discussion, no interaction, no chance to try things out in a "real world" environment. So I think an anger management class or individual therapy would make the most sense. You have to get to the origin of this (what happened, how it made you feel), and also go over the situations that cause it to come up now. More than that, you have to get to the basis of why things annoy you to such a level that you blow up and get violent. So therapy will help you understand why you take things so personally, why you feel these are attacks that you must respond to, and why you "go to every fight you're invited to."

What you think is immature of other people may be your inability to recognize and accept differences of opinion without seeing them as personal attacks on you, or it may be that you are associating with people who are similarly handicapped, like you, in having conversational, social and discussion skills that don't attack others. Without an objective counselor or class leader, you will never know.

Well, honestly, what popped out at me in your post is after you talk about your pretty short fuse, you say that THEY can create a lot of drama and be very immature. And my next thought was that you are probably just as dramatic and immature as they are.

If you cannot see that, then you aren't going to improve. Perhaps if you asked a trusted family member or friend to videotape you with her phone when something blows up, you will be able to see yourself "in action", so to speak, and get an idea of how you look like to others.

It's hard to do this. It's hard to not be defensive and say it's everyone else's fault. But if you want to get ahold of yourself, it might be the best thing to do.

ETA: I think I understand the correlation you are trying to describe between 'old fashioned' and 'violent'. There are a lot of us out there who had parents who didn't allow mistakes, demanded 'respect' (when they likely didn't show it) and outright subservience of all their kids and spouse. Unlike modern parenting where we wouldn't dream of reaching across a table and slapping a kid for rolling their eyes at a dumb idea-- some of us did grow up with very rigid parents who used 'a whupping' as a way to get the kids to behave.
Reading between the lines, but perhaps this is what you are trying to describe?

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Counseling will likely help. As well as a course in Non-Violent Communication methods. The counseling will help because as you (nonviolently, respectfully) state your boundaries and stand up for yourself, people who are used to getting their way may continue to work toward that end.

There is a great book by Harriet Lerner called "The Dance of Anger". It examines the role of anger as a tool in our relationships, teaching us how to notice it and understand its purpose without using it *as* the method of engagement. I grew up in a similar situation and found that with counseling and understanding both MY own trigger points and how to not get immediately 'hooked in' (their stuff, their belief, don't take it personally) and how to ask for what I need/want respectfully and hold my ground-- this has all helped.

I can also guess, but might be very wrong, that there is a backload of not feeling respected going on for you, too. Sometimes, some of us with violent pasts have PTSD going on, which does chemically hijack our rational thought processes. Being aware of "I'm having a reaction/anxiety reaction/anger reaction) is empowering in the moment. This is something which has taken me years to accomplish, however it is a great goal to have. Being mindfully aware of feelings while being calm is a life asset.

It's great that you are wanting to stop having these strong reactions. Don't get discouraged, if you work at it and are willing to do the work, you *will* get it in time. When I spoke to a counselor about confronting someone's outrageous behavior, he asked why I didn't say something at the moment. I told him I was uncertain how to do it gracefully. He likened it to having to practice anything else. "When you first learn how to land an airplane, it's bumpy. But if this person does X again, land the plane on him." It really stuck with me and gave me permission to know that as long as I was being aware and making an effort, it was okay to make mistakes. No one is perfect. ;)

M.,

Just how old are you?

I don't understand what you mean by "old fashioned household were violence was often the answer" - that's not the household **I** grew up in.

If you have anger issues, your best bet is to seek a psychiatrist to help you resolve your past feelings, learn to breathe and count and dismiss trivial things. Or allowing people to push your buttons.

You can also go to the library and look up books on anger management.

Good luck.

One common aspect in the dysfunctional family dynamic of anger and violence is a strong love and affection for the people who brought the problem into your life in the first place.

You can't hold on to your past while reaching for a better future. I'm not saying you have to turn your back on them completely, but they have to be in the outskirts of your life and no longer in a position of importance. This isn't the kind of environment you want to be in on a regular basis.

Who we are is strongly impacted by the people we surround ourselves with. If you're surrounded by drama, you will always have some level of drama within you. You won't be able to eradicate your own anger as long as you're surrounded by angry people.

You have to move out and away from your family, both mentally and perhaps in actual physical distance, and surround yourself with examples of the type of person you are trying to grow into being. If you've never been to a therapist, particularly one that deals with anger management, that would be a good start to the next phase of your journey.

You should ask your doc for a referral to a therapist, and/or google "anger management help" in your local area, as there are classes and groups that meet to deal with this issue.
Good for you for reaching out for help, good luck!

I think Doris Day is correct on this. From my experience the people that say they want to avoid drama are the ones who bring the drama.There's no tricks and tips we can give you that you don't know already so in this case you really need to think about going to therapy to figure out where all that anger is coming from and why you continue a behavior you know isn't healthy. You are raising the next generation and unless you get your act together you are raising the next generation to be dramatic, short fused, angry, ill tempered people that no one will want to interact with.

My friend had a problem with anger...it really was how she was raised. She went to a therapist for many years and learned and practiced different ways to handle situations that made her angry. She wished she had done this years ago before having kids. She also read many books on anger management. I recommend you do the same. You do not have to react in anger!!

Perhaps rather than controlling or managing your anger, you might consider finding out the source of your anger. Are you resentful of your parents and the violence in the home in which you were raised? Do you deal with low self-esteem? Why do you need to discuss things with these people, if their only response is immaturity and drama? Do you have friends or peers or colleagues that you can discuss things with? Are you trying to talk about politics or ethics or current events with people who don't share your beliefs at all? Find a meet-up group or volunteer somewhere (for a politician or a women's shelter or whatever issue interests you) and you may find people to have interesting but non-angry discussions with. If you need to confront someone about a serious issue, perhaps you need a third person, like a priest or counselor.

It's kind of like a person who has an eating problem. They have gained a hundred pounds and eat all day. But what the nutritionist does is more than just say "put the fork down and control your overeating". The nutritionist helps them figure out why they eat all day. Are they sad, lonely, bored, abused, frightened? Once they figure that out they can deal with that issue and then find a way to handle it, rather than just hiding behind a plate of food.

So first, either with a counselor or by yourself (although counseling would be better), face what you're still bitter about, what still is unresolved, what you continue to resent.

Then work on resolving it. Either forgive a person who's gone from your life, or apologize to someone, or face the fact that you were raised with violence, and make peace with the person you are today. Focus on controlling the source, then the angry responses and angry reactions will fall in line.

There are a number of books which deal with anger management.
You can find many if you Google it or search on Amazon.
The one that come to my mind is one Dear Abby put out years ago
"Dear Abby: The Anger in All of Us and how to Deal with it".

In the mean time, ask yourself 'what are you trying to prove and how hard do you need to prove it?'.
You don't need to win every argument or have the last word or enter a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
You've heard the saying
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."?
Just smile and nod and let the other guy go about removing all the doubt.

Counseling so that you can learn more appropriate responses to others. I cannot imagine living a life where so many people infuriate me beyond words. I can count the number of times I am angry in a year on one hand. I don't have a perfect life by any stretch, but responding so often with anger makes me think you may need someone to teach you additional coping strategies.

There is a root cause to your anger. Get to the root and you'll have what you need to begin solving the problem. I don't think the answer is in managing your anger but eliminating it as a whole. There is something deeper going on here. Loving people is a beautiful thing but if we keep people in our lives who actually are causing negative environments, then we're guilty of doing harm to ourselves. Sometimes we need to love people from a distance especially if we're making attempts to change for the better. Use wisdom as much as you can in this situation. It makes me scratch my head to envision you sitting in a room with people who continue to infuriate you. Where is the joy and peace in that?

When I am very angry and easily irritable, it is usually because my social life is dull and my resentment of that makes me lash out.

Find some new friends or reconnect with lost friends.

ETA: How does old-fashioned and violence partner? I grew up old-fashioned: mom cooked, dad mowed the lawn, church, Saturday marketing, Bible School in summers, believed in Santa.... violence was not a part of that old-fashioned rearing.