Am I Way off Base Here?

There is a great Rodney Atkins song called "Watching You"
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rodneyatkins/watchingyou.html

Either print the lyrics or download it and play it for him. I know it helped my dh learn to calm down in front of little ears & eyes.

you teach others how to treat you. If you tolerate you husband yelling at you, it only teaches your son (and husband) that yelling at you is OK.

There are certainly many ways to handle this.

A very passive (aggressive) way is to just not respond emotionally when your husband yells at you. You could act like you just don't understand him, and say "I can't understand you when you yell at me. Could you please speak to me so I can understand you" and not respond any further until he lowers his voice (emotions).

Of course you can take a more professional route and get both of you into counseling together to learn how to communicate better. The issue isn't just him, you're responsible here for allowing this behavior to go on for so long as well...so you'll need help finding ways to communicate with him too.

Finally you can react very emotionally to this and yell back. I'm sure he wouldn't like it...I don't think this would be a great example for your son either...but is your husband asking to be treated this way if this is the way he treats you?

But it didn't really seem like you were asking for advice as much as needing support...so hang in there. NO one should be yelled at no matter who they are, and how there are associated with you. You don't deserve this anymore than your son should have been yelled at for not going to bed on time. Neither were your faults...so remember...sometimes a deep breath can make all the difference!!

Children learn what they live....of course he's going to model his father's behavior as well as yours. He is a child following in his father's footsteps. #1 - you both need to stress to your son that is not acceptable behavior and we do not yell/scream at each other...and then live by that, do not scream period. You get no where when doing that. I don't know about you but if anyone raises their voice at me I automatically shut down, tune them out and then rip them a new A$$$$ for disrespecting me. #2 - And excuse me for being so bold...but who the hell does your husband think he is screaming at you? You are his wife not a child. If he can not learn to communicate and express himself in an adult manner on his own perhaps he needs to get some outside help. People can only disrespect you if you allow it. Do not tolerate that from anyone, I'm quite sure you deserve to be treated properly :) Good Luck and God Bless.

Hi D., you are absolutely right, kids learn WAY more from modeling than they do from anything you 'teach' them.

Unless you want the cycle to continue, and your son to grow up thinking it's normal and acceptable to treat his OWN wife this way, you will need to start putting your foot down.

Easier said than done, it's clear your husband has control issue, and a hefty dose of passive/aggressive (don't you put this on ME, for example).
You know better than us the most effective way to approach your husband with this issue.

Sending you the strength of a thousand women determined to raise quality sons!!

:)

absolutely he's mimiking him. dad is teaching him this behaviour is ok and it will continue as long as dad continues

My son will act out of character when it's only 15 minutes past his normal bedtime, so I sympathize with you. Yes, he probably wanted to spend more time with his dad, but you know your son and if you say his reaction was from being overtired, then you know best. I also FULLY agree with you that your son is imitating how his father is treating you. I've experienced this with my own children and by watching my husband's aunt with her husband and children. My husband is has a very sarcastic sense of humor and sometimes takes it too far, even with me. I call him on it, but he doesn't always see what he is doing until he sees one of the kids say the same thing to me. Then he realizes what he said was innapropriate/degrading/hurtful, etc. The aunt's husband (before they divorced!) was very degrading towards women and it really started to rub off on his boys and not just how they talked to their mother, but to all women. Boys, especially, learn how to treat others by watching their fathers. If their fathers are acting inappropriately, then so will the children.

You and your marriage will suffer, and your relationship with your son will suffer as he grows (especially when he is a teen), if you allow this behavior to continue. Get counseling for both of you if you don't think you can help your husband to see that his behavior is damaging to you and his family.

Don't be discouraged - behavior can be changed. If your husband loves you and loves your son, which I'm sure he does, then that should be motivation enough to act in a manner that is respectful and loving at all times. But, change is hard, and none of us are very willing to do it without significant motivation. You have allowed his behavior to at least a degree for at least the last 5 years, so requesting this change is, I'm sure, a shock to your husband. But, it is vitally important to you, your health, your marriage, your son and his future family (this learned behavior can be carried into his marriage and family, just as I suspect your husband has done).

Good luck. There are no quick fixes, but change (slowly) can be had, and you will all be happier when it comes.

Yes, your son is yelling at you because your husband yells at you. Sons learn how to behave by modeling their father's behavior, the same with daughters and mothers. If this does not stop now it will only get worse and your son will be yelling at you when he is an adult. It is completely disrespectful for your husband to yell at you and it is very disrespectful for your son to yell at you and your husband not do anything to stop that. Your husband should never allow anyone to disrespect you. If this was my husband I would demand we start counseling. If he did not want to go to counseling I would tell him the next time he yells at me I would be taking my child and leaving. This is no way to live. Sorry you are having to go through this. :(

Lisa

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All children learn FAR more by our actions than our words. No matter how much more your son is with you and around you, he will take his cues on how to treat women -not just you -from his father. You bet he yells at you because his dad does! Your husband is being incredibly dense and needs to read some information about how children learn and model. Yes, kids have tantrums and they yell and kids will yell at parents who they've NEVER seen yell at one another, but if this is happening with regularity, then it most likely is your husband's fault. Perhaps you need to broach couple's counseling or family counseling for all of you -and so he can get a handle of better ways of expressing himself.

Trust me, my husband used to be a "yeller" and I just couldn't handle it anymore after we had kids. Most people who do this don't even realize how often and how much they DO yell. Save your sanity and your family and do something about it now or you'll continue to have two "men" yelling at you in your home from now on.

Kids learn from their parents. If he sees your husband yelling at you - then to a child, it is acceptable to yell at you. Your husband needs to get a clue. Sorry.

He is definitely mimicking his Dad. But, when everyone is upset, that is not the time to confront him about it. Wait a few days and bring it up this weekend. I would say, "I know that I am not a perfect parent,and I shouldn't have ________, but please don't yell at me in front of _____." Then I would talk to your son about how you and Daddy are going to be better and not yell and you would like him not to yell either. People who love eachother don't yell at eachother.

Kids learn MORE by what they SEE not by what they are told. I suggest that you and your husband get some counseling now so you can hopefully save your son from being a verbal abuser (as that is what your husband is doing to you)........

Yes your child is learning that it's okay to yell at you or really anyone. He sees his dad doing it so it must be all right. Very frustrating. You are definitely not off base. Like Jennifer said, your husband needs to get a clue. And shame on him for twisting it and blaming it on him. Seems like he wants to be the fun parent and you have to be the "bad guy". First mistake, getting him off his routine. Understand that he wanted to spend time with him when he got home but how about reading him a book and getting him ready for bed instead? That would be a some time spent with him while keeping him in his routine. All of that was so unnecessary. Maybe when your kid isn't around, yell at your husband. When he asks why are you yelling him (which would be the normal response), ask him well how does it feel? Maybe suggest counseling of some sort or a parenting class for the both of you. I say both because it would be easier to get him to go if it was both. If you don't get control of it now when he's 5, imagine what it will be like when he's 15. Stand your ground. The next time either yells at you respond to your son calmly asking him why he's yelling at you or if you can, just walk away. I would just walk away from your husband when he does that again. Take your son with you if you have to. When he follows you still yelling tell him in a calm voice, I will not talk to you until you can talk to me calmly. Completely leave if you have to. As long as you allow them to yell at you, they will not stop. Good luck!

I agree completely! Children learn their behavior from us, sometimes much earlier than we realize they are watching and mimicking us. This is a serious matter. I would speak to your husband again and let him know that you felt hurt, scared, criticized, and need to find a better way to express anger or frustration. The disrespect by your son will only get worse with age and no boundary if he continues to see this is how people treat one another, particularly vital that boys not be under the impression that it's okay to treat women that way!

Reel it in now and enlist your husband as a parent, a partner, and an example for his child. If talking together doesn't get you where you need to be, seek counseling.

Your husband is wrong on so many levels. He should not yell at you - especially in front of your son. He is teaching your son to be disrespectful to you - that's not going to work well when your son is a teenager and is bigger than you too. There is no reason for your husband to be disrespectful to you ever. He sounds like he has some issues from the past (how did his father treat his mother??). I'd honestly suggest counseling. Do not allow him to treat you like this - don't they say we teach people how to treat us by NOT saying anything?

Your husband should be a better example of how you should be treated. BTW, if my husband even hears a slight tone in my daughter's voice when she speaks to me, he jumps on her immediately (not literally). He tells her - that's not how we speak to Mommy, now apologize to her. She's my wife before she's your mother and I won't have you being disrespectful to her.

Best of luck and please consider counseling - there's a fire brewing deep within your husband and it needs to be put out before it explodes.

NO ONE should ever question your parenting in front of your kids. Unless you are doing something like beating the daylights out of them. Your husband doesn't respect you, he probably doesn't respect any women. Next time you are with his parents watch how they interact. You will probably see one of them demeaning the other. If that is the case that is where he learned it from. Also check out what he is watching on TV. I have noticed that many shows lately are very demeaning to women. My son and his girlfriend, both 19, were watching Family Guy one night, the family was visiting a university and the Mom said something about how beautiful the campus was and how she hadn't noticed if when she was a student. Little Stewie, the baby, said I suppose it looks different since you are not on your back with your ankles around your ears. I was soooo PISSED, I said turn that off NOW. That line was not funny it was anti-woman. Rap misic is also very anti-women.
Instead of moving forward the Women's Movement has started to backslide in the past 20 yrs. We need to promote the respect of women as equals.

Personally?? I would slap him. He is big a giant donkey (harsher words in my head). I would make him take care of his son for a week or a weekend and see if he can do any better! Then tell him he's not a good enough parent.
Childish, yes, but it get's your point across.
I would show him this post. If that doesn't get to him, then perhaps you need to evaluate the influence in your sons life, and if you are really happy with him. Sure he's not hurting you physically or your son, but emotionally, how is your health doing?? Emotional is just as important as your physical health.

You got a lot of great answers! My first instinct was to tell you to yell back as loud as you can. Something along the lines of if you can do better then get off your a&$ and come do it! Probably not the best advice but the look on his and your sons face would be priceless! Good Luck!

I'm willing to put money on the fact that your husband came from a family of screamers. My husband used to do the same thing - flip out in situations where calm was needed because that's what he learned by example from his parents. I didn't fully realize it until I witnessed his mom (my MIL) flip out on my husband when his dad had a diabetic incident. Somehow the fact that my FIL was on his hands and knees on the floor in a diabetic situation became my husband's fault... ??? They jsut didn't know how to handle stuff so they screamed - I bet their parents did when they were kids too. Poor coping skills.

You are 1,000% right that your son yells at you becuase he sees dad yell at you and thinks this is how we communicate with mom when we're frustrated. Kids learn more by what's "caught" than by what's taught. The expression "do as I say not as I do" is as old as the hills - where does he think it came from?

It will take a lot of heart to heart conversations when it's calm to get your husband to truly understand. You have to give examples from your new little family, and if possible form the family he grew up in. In his heart he knows that it's true - but doesn't want to be at fault. Who does? So you have to talk about it in a very non-accusatory way. I suggest that in the process you also 'fess up to your parenting shortcomings as well so your husband sees that you're not just attacking him, but you're evaluating how the two of you are parenting your child and how you can improve it.

Begin by saying how much you love your son. Admit that you feel a tremendous sense of responsbility to do the best job you can possible do to get your son to become a kind, honorable, strong man of character. Tell him that you want the two of you to be a team and become the best parents possible. Ask him for suggestions for how both of you can "improve your game". See what he says. Do not jump down his throat. pause and really think about what he says. Don't be surprised if he says he thinks he's doing just fine. There's something about a man's psyche that makes it very difficult for them to admit that they could possibly be at fault in any way.

Tell him how much it hurts to be yelled at. Don't use the words "always" or "never" - just explain how hurtful it is. Ask him if he can understand that. Chances are he can becuase he was yelled at by his parents. Tell him you want to do everything possible to raise you son in an environment where yelling is not the norm in stressful situations. Suggest that you think your son needs to learn better coping skills so he can better handle difficult situations.

Ask him what can we do instead of yell when we're stressed? Can we count to 10 (or 100 if needed?), can we leave the room temporarily? Can we jump up and down until the desire to scream leaves us? Maybe you two can come up with a ridiculous code word to use instead of yelling that has the potential to make you both laugh instead? "pogo stick", "motorcycle", "ceramic tiles" or "chocolate chip cookies"?

Assuming he agrees to try, expect that there will be times that the yelling will stlll happen. I have to say that it wasn't until my husband was in a serious auto accident where he nearly died that he changed his approach. He realized that we were ready to send him to live in the nursing home next to his mother if he kept it up. He also realized what's really precious to him - his family. I think he also got a good look at all the stuff a mom does since he really couldn't do anything other than sit in the recliner in the living room for a few weeks and watch family life go by. He couldn't return to work for almost 5 months and so he got a realy eye-opener on what family life really entails.

The best thing you can do for this situation (aside from getting your husband in an auto accident) is be away from your home for a few days so he can learn what it's really like to be a mom/homemaker. It's an eyeopener.

Good luck mama - husbands do seem to mellow as they get older and they become better dads - but it does seem to take a while and lots of training! ;o) Too bad they don't come fully trained.

My sister's son acted like this ..... well he still acts like this and he's 23. His father has always acted the same way. They are both totally disrespectful to my sister. It makes me sad. I don't know how you're going to change your husband's thoughts on this though. Sounds like he is dug in with his position. You might need to get a counselor involved if you can't get through to him. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

YES your son is yelling at you because your husband yells at you in front of your child... ask any counselor or psychologist and they will tell him the same thing... that's what almost every parenting books says, don't disrespect each other in front of the child. How is he processing that logically? You must be doing something wrong b/c he doesn't yell at him? That doesn't even make sense... simple, he yells at you so does your son.. you don't yell at him so your son doesn't. Somehow the message needs to come across or he's going to think it's okay to disrespect females in general when he's older. Your hub is being insensitive and a bit immature. Good luck babe. If he won't stop say daddy's not being nice and shouldn't yell at mommy to your son WHEN hubby yells at you.

Your son is imitating your husband and by allowing the berating to continue you are telling your son that it's okay.

Your son was not "over tired" at 8:30- 15 minutes won't make that much of a difference and you are enabling him much in the same you likely enable/excuse your husband's behavior. He wanted to stay up with his father. Period. Stop making excuses and start holding them both accountable for their actions.

The tantrum went on and on b/c that's what daddy does and my guess is that you immediately do something to calm daddy down. You need to have a conversation with your husband OUT OF CONTEXT, not immediately after he yells at you. Explain that your son is imitating his behavior and you are concerned that he is going to start engaging in these behaviors in school (keep it "off" of dad b/c he won't listen if he feels attacked). Ask him what you can do to help remind him without nagging and see what he says.

My husband is a yeller and we had this conversation several times. Two things were going on with him: 1. He didn't tell me when something bothered him, but waited until it "all added up" which justified an explosion. My response- if I don't know it's a problem I don't know to fix it so your explosion is NOT justified. 2. Sometimes he really didn't know that he was yelling- really. It was his mother who pointed it out to him so coming from someone else he "got it".

A