Anyone's Mom Passed Away Recently?

my mother died 2 weeks ago . . we talked everyday for as long as I can remember . . every Tuesday we went shopping and erand running after I got off work . . its been really hard to have her gone but I'm blessed to have such great friends . . my friends have been there when I just need some one to talk to . . my friends have given me the strength to handle my moms death . . tonight Tuesday my friend is coming over to keep me company . . . my husband and children have been so strong for me they know how close me and mom where . . my husbands parents all live far away and are not big on family gathering . . but if it weren't for my friends I don't know how I would have handled this

I am also an older Mom. My daughter is 9 and I am 53. She will 10 in March. There is something to be said for older Moms.

I hope you are doing better.

M.

My father died- and I was a Daddy's Girl. As where it does get a little easier the longer it has been (6 years for me) it is still upsetting. I would involve your dad as much as you can,as he is hurting just as much if not more than you (permitting they were still married) . Family outings, dinners, "family" night or even a family vacation.It is always different for dads- they do not think like us moms- but who is to say that you can not teach him. Your dad might want to be involved as much as your mom was- he just might not know how- This way, your baby still knows the exceptional love of a Grandparent. And as for your husbands parents- have you spoke with them about this? Maybe they can help. I hope this helps and hang in there-

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a loved one is always difficult to deal with . My husband lost his father to cancer when he was only 15 years old, he is the oldest of four. We are 25 now, and to this day he still misses his father & gets choked up everytime he thinks about him & how our daughters (18 months & 2-1/2)will never know him, how I will never know him. The truth is, that when you really love someone, the loss always hurts, it just gets easier to deal with over time. As for the rest of the grandparents, they are all strange, on both sides. My daughters barely know any of them, my youngest has never met my parents. I never had a baby shower for either of them, my husband and I bought EVERYTHING ourselves. They never get gifts for Christmas or their birthdays, except from us. Needless to say, there's never anyone to babysit either, so a few hours alone with my husband is always out of the question. All of that being said, I am actually envious that you got to have your mother around for so long. Cherish what you had with her, not lament what you don't. Embrace the other relationships you have, and make the best of it. Just remember, it will get easier with time, I promise.

Hi there,
First off I am so sorry for your loss. I am also very close with my mother and can imagine how hard it is for you to not have her here. I haven't lost a parent as of yet but here is my situation. My parents are divorced. Just happened 3 years ago. I am 33 now. I am the oldest of 3 and so far I am the only one with kids in my family. I have two boys. My mom has MS and so she is not able to really do anything with my kids. She can come visit but since she can't even walk she will never be able to babysit, or help out in any real way. My husbands parents are also divorced and his mom is a good grandmother when she is around but like your inlaws, she just doesn't hardly ever come around. I won't even go into talking about my father in law (can't stand him and he is very strange too). My father is remarried and he and his new wife like to help out when they can but over all, I feel like you in that my kids really don't have those "grandparents" that I always dreamed of. I feel alone alot and I wish more than anything that my mom was able to be the kind of grandmother that I know she wants to be. Anyway, I just thought that I would share this with you. I know it's not the same situation as yours but even so, you are not alone in your situation.

R.

The death of a loved one is hard to take but being best friends makes it harder. Have you thought about "adopting" a grandmother? I would bet that, somewhere in your area, there is an elderly lady sitting home all by herself because her family is either all gone, too far away or too busy to be there. If you can find such a person, you would be doing all of you a great service.

I can empathize with you regarding your loss. My mother passed away in June. She was my Very Best friend. But I am 53, with grown children, so it has not affected me in the same way it has you. But I can tell you that you need friends, a few best friends that can be your support. God has a plan for you and your family. He did not leave a void in your life when your mother passed...He is available to fill that void, and He has someone out there that can assist you in filling that need. I have 6 friends that started our own support group as moms of teens launching into adulthood. We share our griefs, successes, frustrations and joys with one another, meet for lunch several times a year and we all attend church together. We are all close in the parenting stage, but we ourselves vary in age over a 12 year span. You need to branch out and find friends who will become surrogate sisters/moms/grandmothers for you & your family. You can not change who your inlaws are, nor the way they behave. You can change yourself and your own circumstances. You will grieve for your mom, but you must move forward and find people who will fill the gap that she left. That's what Christian friends do best. If you are in a church, join an evening Bible Study, Sunday School class or fellowship group that meets regularly at a time that you can make time for in your schedule. Share your needs and frustrations with a few people in that group. If you are not in a church, I recommend that you find one! But, you might also have a friend or two at work that can become close family friends. I understand that you are a busy business woman, but you must make time for yourself and your family...but you will have to reach out, because if you don't no one will know that you have a need.

Hi S.,

Well my mom passed away about 3 years ago and I still haven't completely gotten over her. My father passed about 12 years ago. When my mom was still alive my daughters and myself lived with her till it was her time to be with the Lord. My older daughter is 7 and she was the one that my mom grew attached too. My younger one was only 5 months old but my mom loved her. My ex husbands parents live in the Dominican Republic and even when they are in the US it's like they arent. Get me?? All i can tell you is to be strong and trust in God to help you get through your loss.
Grandparents are irreplaceable but as i have seen there will be other people that will be an adoptive grandparent as my new neighbors have become. Always tell your daughter what a special blessing she was to your mother and that she is always with her in her heart.

I hope this helps or gives you some spiritual help.

May God Bless you and Trust in Him. :)

My husband's dad passed very suddenly from cancer in 2004. He was the center of my son's world (4 at the time). Thankfully we have had grandma around but she just moved 3 hours away in november (unfortunatley she lost everything when her husband died and is starting over). My mom and her husband live 10 minutes away but we never see them. We just had Christmas with them finally last night. We too have no sitters, ect. So, yes I know the feeling. I just recently had a heart to heart with my mom and told her how much it means to me for her and her husband to be in the boys lives. I never knew that she stayed away because of the other grandparents. They were intimidated. So it has helped to get that out in the open. They have made a little more effort, but it has been slow. I just keep encouraging them and letting them know they are always welcome. It is not the same, and they will never replace my husband's parents-just impossible, but at least they are trying.

S.,
My name is T. G. I am a single 25ys.old my mom past away almost 8yrs ago from cancer. My father also has past away 4yrs, leaving me to raise my little brother. I understand and feel a little about what your saying. It is very hard. My brother is graduating this year from high school. It hurts to see all these other moms and dads coming to their band events. We do not have any family around so I am the only one to support him, but with church family and most importantly Gods love we have made it threw four years by our selves. Talking about them always helps me. When talking to my brother about mom and dad I always have a funny story to tell him, so that he may remember them. It not only helps hum to remember them but it helps me with bottled up emotions.

S., I married at 18, my mother died when I was 19, and I had my 3 daughters before I turned 24. When I was pregnant with my #2, I became very ill with bronchitis. I called a nearby "friend" and neighbor and asked if she would come by and give my 10-month old her breakfast. I was running 104 degree temp. She blessed me out for calling saying I needed to "get a grip" because I would soon have two! I hung up and laid my head on the table and cried. I asked God why he took my mother and best friend because I had nobody. In-laws lived out in the country, and would take care of my children if I brought them out to them. But God answered my prayers for help. Another woman in my church became my help. Pray for someone to fill that void. God never fails. Oh, I ended up in the hospital that day, and when the "friend" heard about it, she rushed to see me and said,"Why didn't you tell me you were so sick?" Needless to say, I never called her in a crisis even though our relationship continued. I like the idea other respondents had about adopting a grandmother. Our church had several at the time. But nobody will ever fill your mother's spot for you. Only hope in our eternal reunion will comfort you as you go forward. God bless you.

S., my best advise would be find an adoptive grandparents. There are so many older couples out there where their grandchild are far away or don't have any and would love the idea of loving some children. Start with your church. It might even wake your in-laws ups and they may step up to the plate and be better grandparents.

I have a friend who has 2 little girls in the same situation. I have no grandchildren yet, but have "adopted" these two! We go to church together and this situation kinda evolved - so maybe you can find a kindly "grandmother substitute" the same way! Good luck and God bless you.

It sounds like what you really lost was your best friend. I am sorry for that. Since you work full-time, I am sure you get to meet a lot of people but don't get to have many intimate relationships. My Mother is still around and is very much like your mother was. I was just thinking that you could try to get involved in some extracurricular activities...take a locally offered cooking class, or art appreciation, or even join a book club that meets once a month, just to get out and meet some ladies your age or older. Another idea that may seem silly at first is something my Mother once did. She advertised in the paper for a "grandma" part-time babysitter...there are plenty of older women out there who would love to be appreciated and spend time with both you and your little girl once you got to know each other...most are not in it for the money! No one will ever replace your mother, and will pale in comparison, but older people have a lot to give and both you and your daughter will benefit.

S.,

I haven't lost a parent, but we live very far away and it is very difficult. I have developed a relationship with another older couple in our area, whose kids and grandkids also live far away from them. It has help somewhat and the kids get to have a kind of extra grandparents when they can't see their own. Having an older woman to talk with has help me as well. I know it's not the same as the real thing, but it may be somewhat helpful. K.

I had my first child at 42 and my second 14 mom later......they are now 14 and 15. My mom is still alive but has never babysitted or done the grandma things particularly. Their dad is deceased but was not in their lives previously. I always wanted for my kids the kind of grands that I had but they do not and I think it hurts me more than them......my mom can go for months without talking to us and she lives very close. I guess I am writing to tell you, even though my situation is different, I understand the longing......I am so sorry for your loss of your wonderful mom.

S.,

I am 41 and lost my Mom when I was 29. My son was 3 when she passed away and I then got pregnant with my daughter. I know how difficult a time this is for you. My mother stayed with me for 6 weeks when my first was born and always played a huge part of my sons life. My now x-husbands family were only involved sporatically at best and it just wasn't the same. I was so devestated by my mother's death and at the same time so happy to be prgnant wih my daughter. Try to focus on the happy... your mother would not want it any other way. When you feel her loss the most, those are the moments she is with you. Surround yourself with friends that make you happy. I have been fortunate, my close friends have become my extended family and I am sure yours will too! Good luck!

HI S..

I'm sorry for your loss and can understand how you feel completely. I'm in the same boat as you, perhaps even more so. I'm 29 and my mom passed away 10 years ago after battling cancer (I'm an only child) and my husband's mom passed after battling cancer when he was 17. My husband's dad and stepmom live in Ohio and visit once a year. My stepdad is active in my young boys lives, but it's just not like having a grandma. You are not alone and this type of situation. I just try to keep a positive outlook on life. For instance, be grateful for the time you had with your mom, I know of some children who didn't have their mom as long as I had mine. Unfortunately, you can't think about how "it would be if my mom was here". That train of thought does not help at all. Only time will help your pain lessen. Focus on all of the blessings you have and not on what you don't have. I wish you much luck in your healing.

Sincerely,
M.

i'm sorry for your loss, i lost my mother and father long before i had children so my husbands parents were the only grandparents and his mother was strict german and not exactly the sweet grandmother type, but they loved her anyway. try inviting his parents over for dinner or on a family outing to encourage the relationship and if that fails, i'm sure you will provide all the love they need. i am sorry about your mother

Hi S. B.
I can TOTALLY relate to your issue. I have two boys, one just turned 2 and the other is 9 months and I have zero help whatsoever except from my husband. My mom died about 4 years ago, but she was an awesome mom and so supportive. Now I am stuck with a dad who lives far away and gives me advice that I really don't care about half the time. He is a good dad, just doesn't relate to raising kids cause my mom mostly did everything. And just like you, my husband's parents are PSYCHO!! His mother is bi-polar and has many undiagnosed mental disorders. And his dad is remarried to an evil woman who moved us here so we could help HER daughter with her only son because she is divorced and everyone is supposed to feel sorry for her and help HER out not thinking that we have 2 kids and they are little and HER kid is 14 years old and undisciplined...so yes, I have no family and I can TOTALLY understand your issues. Please write me back public or private if you need to vent, it really helps!!

I am very sorry for your grief and loss. My Mom is living and a great person, but lives about 1000 miles away from where I live, so I don't have an active support system of family nearby. My in-laws also live far, and never come to visit. My Mom visits when she can and we go to her when we can but work and school for the kids interfere. Your mother's loss will be there forever. My father passed away 5 years ago now, doesn't seem that long ago. His presence is still missed at family gatherings, holidays, tax time(he gave good advice) etc. My father was a "details" person, especially at Christmas and Birthdays, and everything he did made you feel special and loved.
Maybe you can find a surrogate Grandparent, not as great as your Mom, but someone who can shower you and your childen with a loving presence. You know, people are generally our best keys to living and loving. You might try growing closer to some people at church, work settings, or just trusting in a neighbor. Sometimes the best surprises are found in small packages.
If you are having difficulty coping there are usually good grief support groups at local hospitals, churches, etc. I am sure your love for her will go on, and don't feel bad about crying. I am sure she cried many tears over you through the years.

My mom passed away last August of cancer,it's extremely hard to think about her and not want to cry. She was close to my daughter Alex, 12. Alex was born hearing impaired and my mom took sign language class with me. We were very close spending everyday together, I only live 2 miles from my parents home, my husbands family live 2 hours away. He's happy to see them maybe once or twice a year. I have sisters but we don't talk about mom, I guess we are handling it the best way we can, seperately. At times I feel I can't talk to my husband about my mom, he says everyone misses her(it's hard for him to show his emotions). And then thats that. It has been a relief just to get that much out. Hope to hear from you soon, and please take care of yourself and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.

Wow! Are our background similiar regarding marriage/remarrying later. I'm 44 and my daughter is 14 months. I met my husband just before and I turned 40 and am glad I waited for him. Anyway, my mom and dad both died of cancer 10 and 12 years ago. I missed my mom when she died and at times have missed my parents more than other times through the years. However, in the past seven or eight months, I've have missed her tremendously! I think I just need her advice, opinion, and input. I think about how she adored my sisters' kids and what a great grandma she was. I feel badly that my daughter will not get to experience that. I think it's normal. I have a friend who lost her mom to cancer when she was 17 and she too, misses her mom more now that she has kids. Maybe there's an older couple in your neighborhood or at your church that might show some interest? Thinking of you!!

Okay I know this is late but I have to tell you it does get easier. I am 25 years old and my mom passed away 2 weeks after my 21st birthday. She also died from cancer. She loved my son so much even though he was only 7 months old at the time that she passed. It gets hard every year around the anniversary of her death but all I have to do is talk about her and all the good times we had and I tell my son how much his Nana loved him and it makes me feel a little better. Even though my son doesn't remember Nana he loves to hear the stories about her. We look at pictures of her together all the time. After my mom died I pushed my father away for about a year I finally reconnected with my father only to find out that he was also dying of cancer. He died 2 years after my mom. I regret to this day pushing him away. I know you may not be as close to your father but one thing I have to say is make that connection because I missed a year and I regret it.

I feel for your loss, we have had similar circumstances in our own family. Grandparents can be a major source of love and stability in a child's life. Many grandparents do come by it naturally as your mom did, many do not and need some help. As a new "mother-in-law", (mother of the groom) I can feel for your husband's parents -- "nosey" in-laws have gotten a bad rap through the years. I feel I walk a fine line overstepping in the wife's domain, by calling too much, being too intrusive - you as the daughter-in-law can help in that area. Let your in-laws know your desires for them to be a part of your lives and especially a part of their grandchildren's lives. Maybe all the have been waiting on is an invitation -- You had a great relationship with your mom, now you can build one with his mom - the great thing about families, is we can accept our differences and personalities and still be "family". You have more control over this than you realize - maybe you should be the starter of things, --- start some fun traditions, keep inviting the in-laws to be there - for everything -- Sunday dinners, a few family vacations, holidays, birthdays -- Have your daughter call her grandparents, draw them pictures. Sometimes the hardest part of a solution is actually talking with the people involved and being honest, it may not be the perfect set up, but it can get better. As Dr. laura told one woman in a similar situation - you are born into a family and if that doesn't work or you lose loved ones -- then build you a family from loving supportive people. I always wanted a sister and my sisters-in-law are not that way for me - but I have several friends that are my "sisters" in every sense of the word - because we have raised our children together, we share a religion together, we are family and our children have been loved and supported by them as well. Make it happen - be open to different interpretations of your yearnings and expectations. I wish you well, but most importantly of all, the daily dose of love and direction, and caring, and teaching that matters the most to your child is what she receives from her parents.

Wow. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I did have a possible suggestion though. Maybe you could adopt a grandparent for your kiddos. Maybe someone at church or an organization you are involved in. We are 750miles from our family so its nice to have people around here that love on our kids.

Feb 5, 2008 will be the two year anniversary of my mother's death. She died from delayed complications of the drugs used to treat the breast cancer she had 15 years before. My kids and I still miss her very much and think of her everyday. I know how you feel no one can take her place especially when it comes to the kids.
Celebrate the memories you and your daughter have.
That being said....

Look for someone in your community or church to help fill the void.
See if you can find a nice loving person/people that may not be able to be with the Grandkids of their own as often as they wish. They maybe missing their own family & grandkids and would love the chance to spend time with another family.

Example... My Husbands parents do not live near us and rarely get see the Grandkids. They miss my kids very much. So when they can't be with us, they take under their wings kids in their area. Like Going to Grandparents day at school for friends that don't have Grandparents. Babysitting for friends so the parents can have a night out. Taking the kids out for an outing... McDonald's or the zoo, etc. They attend the Birthday parties too. This doesn't replace my kids for them, but it helps fill the void until the next time they see them, and gives them more family to love. Their hearts are big and they have plenty of love not only for their own Grandkids, but they have enjoyed sharing it with others as well.

I no longer get the phone calls, but I feel my mother sends hugs from heaven every day. I know yours does too. Stay strong. Trust in God and he will send you what you need.

I lost my mother in 1990 and my father died a month before my wedding in 94. We had difficulty conceiving and thus it was not until 2003 that we finally had children (and we had two sets of twins, so our cup runneth over). Even though it has been a long time, not recent like your loss, the emotions are much the same. I knew when I married that my parents would never know my children, and my children will never know my parents. My husband's father is deceased, and his mother does show a little interest in the children, but not really that much. I have 4 siblings that live in the same metroplex, but they have never even made an effort to meet the last set of twins born in 06 - you know, everyone is soooo busy - which I do understand since I am totally swamped all the time.

The loss of a parent is a major event in one's life. It goes beyond missing the parent's love and contribution - it changes the whole universe of your family - your role is changed because the matriarch is gone. All your life you have turned to your mom for guidance and companionship and now that has had to change. I am a probate attorney and I work with families who suffer loss on a daily basis. I chose that area of law due to the loss in my personal life. I highly recommend to you that you look for grief counseling, perhaps through your church. I really benefitted from counseling. Your mother's death is affecting you much more than you really comprehend.

I can tell you that with time the pain lessens. Your sadness will eventually be replaced with fond memories. God is giving you a second child and you will be so busy that it will be hard to have time or energy to think about your mom - I know you think that's not possible but just wait until you have two little ones. They will bring you so much joy, too, that it will help to mend. That is the cycle of life.

I have cultivated friends that sort of take the place of grandparents. Also my father had a much younger brother and I have recruited him to be a psuedo grandparent so that my children will know that side of the family better.

Good luck and take care of yourself. And check into the grief counseling class; it will help you much more than you think. Grief never goes away completely unless you deal with it; it just cumulates.

S.~ I am so sorry. I do not have the same situation, but I feel for you. My Dad died 6 years ago...it still hurts like it was yesterday. My Mom has Alzheimer's, which probably started before my Dad passed away. He did not know, but probably suspected. He & my mom (when she was still my mom) did everything for my children and my step son. My parents always made my children feel so special...you know...Disney On Ice, the circus, the Nutcracker, plays, sleepovers, vacations, etc. Their gifts were wonderful and thoughtful as well. My husband's family never really tried to be close to my children, but since my husband was the youngest of eight (!) no one really seemed to care by the time our children arrived. And believe me, my children noticed. I just tried my best to minimize the situation and probably over compensated with my kiddos! But I admit, it is hard to not feel sad during times when you are supposed to be happy...special events, graduations. My daughter has graduated from college and received her master's degree as well. I cried through both graduations because my Dad wasn't there. And now she is getting married and I am so happy for her and sad that my Dad is not here to share the joy! I know how much he loved and enjoyed his granddaughter! My Mom has lived with us since he died and she really doesn't know what is going on, poor thing! You should go to grief counseling as everyone is recommending. I did not and know that I was pretty angry with Hospice and when they offered counseling, I just wasn't ready. I know that Hospice is usually good, but they weren't so great with my Dad and I struggled with everything that was going on with him. I will keep you in my thoughts...I have read almost every book that exists on grief and all that goes with losing someone so close to you, but I still grieve like it was yesterday. Good luck, S.!

Dear S.,
My deepest sympathy in your loss. Sounds like you are depressed and desparate. Please go to your doctor, talk to him/her, and get a referral to a psychologist. Mental health is an unseen reality. Get help from a professional who can be in direct contact with your main doctor. Only use one doctor to prescribe medications. L.

Hi S. -

I really understand your situation. My father passed away when DD was 3 months (she's now 27 months). My IL's are nice, but are strange too. They adopted DH and his biological sister when they were 9 and 10 respectively - so they never raised babies. They are very ackward around DD. FIL is what I would call borderline alcoholic where he drinks to the point where he's fallen on numerous occassions in our house - so I do not ever want to leave him in charge of DD. MIL is a religious nightmare. Her way of being a grandmother is sending a bible for every holiday - (at age 2 I think 1 or 2 bibles is quite enough). Even when we make plans to spend the week with them (in KC), MIL will schedule herself busy with her ministering ALL week.

I have no good answer for you other than to enjoy the people you want to and try to preserve memories of your loved ones through a scrapbook so you can show your kids.

Just know you are not alone. My dad was such a great father and I have so many happy memories with him as a child. It makes me very sad to know she and #2 will miss out on that.

I'm so sorry. I'm an older mom as well. I had my son at 41. My mom passed away in October. She had moved in with us for her final year, to be treated for cancer. Oddly enough she did not have a good relationship with our ten year old son.It was very hard for some time. I freelance and have my own business. I basically "quit" for a year to take care of her. I pulled our son out of school to home school him which allowed them to build a relationship. In the end they formed a strong bond and he misses her quite a bit. We were fortunate enough to be with her, he holding one hand, me the other , as she passed away. We are also fortunate enough to have strong faith which has helped both of us cope. My son has one grandfather left, in another country, who he has seen only twice. His grandpa is not involved, no phone calls, letters etc. So, really he is without a grandparent for all practical purposes. Cultiveate your childs relationship with your father. It will be a great help. No one can "replace" grandma but you are fortunate that you can now concentrate on building this relationship for her.You can keep her memory alive and "talk" to her. We talk to my mom every day and are sure she is with us, looking out for us. We wrote messages on balloons and sent them up to heaven when my Dad died and my son was only 5. This helped a lot. I'm sure, even though he is older, we will continue that tradition with my mom. You will find ways, through stories, and photos to keep her memory alive for your child.Try not to compare grandparents, everyone is different and in the end your daughter will take away memories that will be special to her, from each grandparent, regardless of the intensity of the relationship. Time does help.
Take comfort in knowing how happy it made your mom to be a grandmother and what joy you brought her.