Telling Children Their Grandmother Has Passed Away

Dear K.,
The best way to tell them is to be open and honest about it if thats the way they have been brought up they will understand and you could also let them know that they can keep her alive and all the wonderful memories of them being togather with her in their hearts forever that might make it a little easier for them to deal with her death. It's never easy no matter what but it's apart of life.

I have found a book called "What's Heaven" by Maria Shriver that has helped my daughter when a close friend passed away when she was young.

To add to the great advice you've already gotten, there are some wonderful children's books on death/dying, loss of a loved one. You can find them with an internet search or visit the local library/bookstore. You won't likely have time to get any for the initial telling, but they may help in the weeks to come to help them grieve and process the death.
with sympathy,
J.

I'm so sorry for your loss. :( I think the best thing to do is to be direct, start with something like "Grandma has been very sick lately, and she died last night. She had a wonderful life, and was so happy to have had the ability to know you guys for so long." After they've had their chance to cry it out (if that's how they proceed), then maybe tell them that Grandma would have wanted you all to celebrate her wonderful and long life. Maybe plan a special party at your house, or go out to dinner at her favorite place, look at photo albums, share happy memories. Maybe they could make a collage or write a poem, a short story, draw pictures, etc. honoring her life, and display them at the wake, or bury them with her at her funeral. These things can be very therapeutic. The best thing to do, I think, is to stress that she had a long and fulfilling life.
I hope everyone is able to heal in a peaceful way. Death is never easy, but I think you are smart to make it a celebration of her life.

Hi,

I am very sorry for your loss. This is certainly not an easy time for you. I agree with the others, that I think your children are old enough to talk openly with them about what has happened. They, of course, still may not be able to comprehend the loss. Even we as adults sometimes have trouble with this. It may also be a long time before the sense of loss truly settles in for all of you. Faith helps a lot in this, though that is your decision about how and if you want to bring this into explaining things to your children. They must imoprtant thing is letting them know they can ask anything and that it is OK to let their emotions out, ie to cry, etc, like others have also sad.

As for making it a celebration of life, help them to cultivate and preserve as best they can their memories of your grandmother and the times you all spent together. My mother, a writer and photographer, put together a book, sort of a memory scrapbook, for each of my grandparents (her mother and father) for family and friends when they passed away. She used her own writings and photos, my grandmother's writings, other faamily photos, newspapers articles and the obituaries, and excerpts from sympathy cards that close friends wrote. For my grandmother she even added some of her favorite recipes. You could maybe do this on a smaller scale with your children, letting them write down their favorite memories or making a photo collage of favorite photos or things of your grandmother's or whatever suits your fancy or fits in with your family traditions. For us, the book is a great way of remembering and recording family history. This could be one way that your kids could be involved, focus their energy on and also have when they are older to look back into to remember.

I hope this helps.

K.,
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a time of grieving for you as well. Second, tell the kids as soon as possible and make sure you have lots of time to answer any questions they may have. Make sure they're both together and tell them in your home where you have privacy and time to cry and hug and talk. It's OK for everyone to be sad for a time. That's normal. It's also OK to talk about what a wonderful person your grandma was and all the good times you had together. You may even laugh remembering something funny about grandma. It is extremely important that the kids go to the funeral. They're old enough to handle it and it is a necessary part of closure for them. I wish you all the best in this difficult time. Take care of yourself.

Goodmorning K.
I know what you mean by loosing your grand mother,I lost my husband 15 years ago and my grand son was only 2 1/2 he doesn't remember his grand father[Pepere} and my grand daughter wasn't born, and we talk about their grand father[Pepere] so what I did I went to Christian store and bought them a crucifix and put a picture with the grand son my husband was holding him so I glue that picture of him and Pepere holding him and my grand daughter she wasn' born so I gave her a choice of just just the grand father along or both and glue it on the crucifix and I said to them anytime they can look a the picture and talk to Pepere we don't see him but he might hear us, do you know that went so good now we talk about there grand father and they know his face. even talk to him also, thank him for been a ggod husband while he was living we were married 35 years he died from a brain tumor,now I got remarried 2 years ago and I have another good man in my life. GOOD LOCK AND MAY GOD BLESS

I'm sorry you've lost someone who was such a wonderful part of all of your lives. I remember my grandma's sister (who had essentially been another grandmother to me) passing away when I was 11, I was devastated. My parents just casually told me then sent me off to school, I guess not realizing how much it would affect me. What helped me accept it, though, was talking to my younger sister about her and everything we loved about her.

I think if I were in your situation, I would find a time when you won't have other things you have to go off and do to tell the kids. It's good to let them cry, I think, and it's fine for them to see you cry too, but as they do you can start remembering all the fun times you had with her, look at pictures, etc. Funny stories can be good too, maybe you could make a collage or something together to celebrate her life. If possible, let them choose something of hers that they can keep to remember her by. Depending on your relationship with your ex, you might want to let him know in advance what happened so he can lend extra support.

Best wishes, this must be a difficult time for you.

Hi K.,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I was eleven when my favorite great-grandfather passed away. My parents sat us down (3 girls)and just told us. We talked about how sick he had been, and about the things we would miss. We remembered special things together, and we cried. Later that week we all to his funeral together. I learned that it was ok to be sad, and I learned that comforting other people around me was comforting to me also. Give them a chance to say goodbye in their own way. It'll help them feel like they have some control over whats happening around them.
... and give them as many hugs as they'll let you. :)

K.
you have been down a tough road, you need to just be honest with them and include them in the arrangements, ask them what special way they would like to be involved so that they will learn to have closure too

good luck to you and take care

Hi K. - I am sorry for your loss. My children are 6 and 9, and my grandmother passed two days before Christmas this year. I struggled with what/how to tell them, especially coming up on what should be an exciting holiday and family time. My husband and I decided that honesty is the best policy, so we sat together and told them, and we all had a good cry. We avoided specifics surrounding the details of her death so as not to make it a gruesome conversation, but when the kids asked specific questions we tried to be open and honest without going overboard with the details. We also included them in the funeral service and burial, and I think that helped to put some closure around it, and be with friends and family. Seeing and meeting family members they wouldn't normally get to see was really great for them. Good luck.

Hi K.,

My dad passed away 7 years ago and my daughter was 4 years old at the time. He was VERY close to her. My parents took care of her while I worked. I was a single mother too. He was very sick before he passed, so she remembers being at the hospital etc...with him. A friend bought me a book "Where do balloons Go" written by Jamie Lee Curtis. I read her the book and then explained what happened to Papa (my dad) After I told her, she started talking about the book, "Did papa go where all the balloons go? Up in the sky?" I said I hope so. The book explains where all the balloons go when children let go of them. It didn't go into the whole heaven thing, but it did make my daughter handle the situation better. Don't get me wrong she was sad and it took her a few weeks to act out on it, but it made her understand a little better about death. Now she is 11 and she still has that book. Check it out.
C.

First, my condolences on your loss. In addition to worrying about your children, please make sure you get the support you need through grieving as well.

We have been through a lot of this lately at our house, unfortunately. We have a seven-year-old daughter, and in the last two years, we have lost two of her grandparents and three pets (of all of these, only one pet did not have a good long, life behind it, since he died of cancer). We also struggled with announcing and explaining death, especially since the concept is hard to grasp for a child of six or seven. We had tried to prepare her for these eventual outcomes, trying to set expectations, since the grands were close to 90 years old and ailing, and one dog was 16 and the cat was 20! Especially when one of them would struggle or get sick, we would lay some groundwork.

Nonetheless, it is always a shock, even when you know someone is elderly and/or sick with a disease. We felt honesty was the best policy. Life will have bad cycles, and there is no way to completely protect our children. The main thing we can do is try to handle this honestly and openly ourselves, so that we can help her deal with it, too. We have made sure that we discuss this, cry if we must, and provide times where it seems appropriate to reminisce about someone. We have had candlelight prayers at dinner for someone who has passed to make an additional ritual. Talking with others helps. I think one of the biggest thing for our daughter was to find that other kids her age were also experiencing the same thing. Sometimes they think they are the only ones. We also tried to emphasize that most of the time, people and pets die after living a good, long life. That also seems to help us somewhat. But we did not sugarcoat the fact that one pet got cancer and died.

One thing we did not do at her age was have her attend any funerals. Particularly since one grandparent had requested an old-fashioned open casket funeral, we thought it might be frightening for her. But she has been interested in visiting the pets' graves, and when we all feel ready, we will visit the last grandparents' grave as well. Since your children are older, you may want to give them the choice of attending or not. Funerals never really helped me grieve, but they are very healing for some people.

We have not gone to grief counseling or support groups, but that would be another option. There are usually groups in a local area, and there is even information on-line. I don't have the websites any more, but you can Google and possibly find something that would help your family situation. Hospice groups have materials that are a help. We find our church to be a great source of support as well. The last death was hardest, as she was close to the grandmother she lost. My mother is now under strict orders to watch her health!:)

Our best wishes to you as you work through this trying time. Healing will happen, but it will take a while. Just expect to have your ups and downs if you haven't been through this before. The one thing I have learned is that every loss is different, and the grief accordingly changes somewhat as well.

Telling children about the death of a grandparent, or anyone for that matter, is never easy. And at 12 and 13, kids "get it" when someone passes away. Since you're all about honesty, no need to falter here. But at the same time, it might help your kids to write down or talk about all their memories with your grandmother. Go through pictures and have the kids talk about or write down a few words to describe what they were doing with Grandma.

Remind your kids that it's okay to be sad as well. There's no reason to be brave or hold it in. After all, you're sad too. Maybe you can make a donation in your grandmother's memory to her favorite charity or a museum, library, etc., that she frequented.

I wish you and your kids an easy week.

K.,
First of all: count your blessings...
You should absolutely make this a celebration of your grandmother's life. Your children will be ok. They are lucky to have had a great(?) grandmother at all. My three girls had to endure the death of my parents in their teens, never met great grandparents and then, the most devastatingly painful loss for my oldest and youngest daughters was the loss of their sister in the middle, at the age of 21, in an accident at college, a fire. This was just over a year ago, when my youngest was 16. I hope your kids never have to endure anything like that, but I know if my girls can endure this, yours can endure the loss of a great grandparent. It likely won't be the toughest loss they'll endure. Just be open with them, let them be part of any services, as much as they want and don't be afraid to keep talking about your grandmother. It will put them more at ease with the whole situation, even if it takes a while. It's ok if you even cry with them a little. They will be ok, really.

K.,
I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

I lost my mother at the age of 13, my brother was 11.

Over the years (since I was 6 till recently) I have had to deal with a lot of family and friends passing away.

With your children, giving them the news will certainly be very difficult, for you and them. After they know of her passing you can give them the choice on if they would like to go to the funeral or not. You can also suggest that they make something special to put in her casket or they could write a special note or poem for her. When my Mom passed away I chose some special roses for her, my brother carved a cross out of some wood.

A few years later when my grandpa passed away the funeral and circumstances were much different. His funeral was a celebration of life. After the funeral we all met grave side and told stories of memories with my grandpa. It went on for hours (he had 12 sibblings and 4 children and lots of grandchildren plus all the people he had met). I really appreciated listening to all the stories about my grandpa. It made me very happy to hear of all the memories that people had of my grandpa.

If you need to talk or have any more questions please feel free to contact me.

I wish you all the best!
~ A.

My kids lost there grandfather at about the same ages of your children, my husband and I had been recently seperated. Telling them about their grandfathers passing is still one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Be close together, on a bed or couch or big chair, be gentle and honest about her passing. I know its a very hard time for the kids and you right now, I also know how incredibly strong and resilient they can be. It was easier for my kids when I mentioned other family members who had also passed such as their grandfathers parents, and that now what a reunion they must be having and tried to remind them of some fun memories that they may be sharing. We laughed and cried at the same time but having them see him as not being alone seemed to help tremendously. You may be suprised by the great comfort you will be receiving from them. Good luck, also my condolences for your loss. A. D.

So sorry for your loss.

I never wanted to tell my children I will always be there for them. We all know that isn't true but when we are told that there is still a part of us that feels betrayed.
I have always told my children that even when I am not with them my love is. When Daddy is at work we know he still loves us, even though we cannot see him. Someday Daddy & I will need to go on to do "other work". Our bodies will not be here but our love for them will be. It works when they go to school, etc. too.

At that age I would also ask them how they would like to complete with this stage of her work. Maybe create a photo album or journal of memories? I make peanut butter candy(something he used to make us as kids) with my kids on the anniversary of my Dad's birthday. I tell them stories & we share the candy with others too. Ask them if there is something they would like to do to appreciate her life? A trip to where she grew up? I can give you more ideas if you want.

K.,
I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss. My stepmother specialized in grief work, and she says it is the hardest work people do - and I agree with her. Grief is very difficult. But 12 and 13 is old enough to treat these kids a bit more like adults. I would tell them everything you told us - that you have some very upsetting news, that you don't know the best way to tell them this, that you wish you could protect them from more unhappiness or difficulty - that your grandmother has passed away. Then tell them you'll be there with them through their grief, that you can all grieve together, and you can all also celebrate her life together. Offer to let them get some grief counseling. Give them the books "Life after life" and "The Light Beyond" by Raymond Moody Jr. - these books are based on thousands of Near Death Experiences, and they are very comforting for anyone in grief. Do you have any faith resources to draw upon? A minister they could speak with, or religious beliefs that might help you all through? I wish you every comfort in your difficult time.
T.

just be honest. they are old enough to handle it. tell them it's ok to cry and feel bad and that you all can cry together. give them the option about going to the services. don't force them if they don't want to go. good luck and I'm sorry for your loss

Dear K. so sorry for your loss. Start by including the children in on all family matters good or bad, you don't have to give them all the details but they are part of the family too. And it teaches them how to cope with life, the good and the bad that come with every day living. If they had been included in her illness it may have made the next step of getting old a little easier. Children have to learn how to cope with problems. Death is an inevitable part of the process : they are old enough to handle this and the divorce after all they have you and your love and strength will teach them.

K.,
I am so sorry that your grandmother has passed. I too was very close to my grandmother, so I understand where you are coming from.
As far as telling your kids, I have always told mine that God needed the person for something special, whether to watch over us or just something He needed help with. Your kids are older so you could also tell them that her body was tired and she was tired as well. I would also suggest speaking with a pastor, if you attend church. If not, then do try to keep it honest and use whatever beliefs you may have about the afterlife or heaven.
I hope this helps,
K.

. I am so sorry for your loss.
I do not know what to tell you about initiating a conversation with them but I will tell you that I agree with the other mom said here on that they should be included in everything. The reason I say that is that when I was younger my mother sheltered me from relatives passing on the fear that I would get hurt. My first funeral I went to was my son Shane’s when I was 18. I have always been EXTREAMLY uncomfortable at funerals for that reason.
Being honest and true to your kids and yourself with the kids will let them know that it is ok to feel sad and hurt but you will always have the memories they made together to keep their grandmother alive in their hearts!

I wish you all the best and again I am so sorry for your loss!

K.,
Iam very sorry for your loss. You probably already got ons of respnses but at least at your childrens age they understand death.
I'ld be honest with them in how much you loved her and that you'll miss her. My husband says when he dies he doesn't want people to be sad, but happy and celebrate the life he had. Talk about the good times and memories. Maybe they can write them down in a book so it's easier for them and yo o remember. You can even make it a big family project that everyone shares memories and years from now you can all reminise about them. after mt grandparents died we talked about the good times we had with each other and i wish someone had written them down because as time goes on it's easier to forget than remember

oh, K., i am sooooo sorry!
i just went thru the same thing in january with my memere. granted, my oldest is only 4, so she doesnt really understand whats happening, but at the same time, i had to kind of explain it to her. my mom (it was my dads mom that passed) told me that i shouldnt bring her to the service. i felt like i should. i didnt bring her to the wake, for obvious reasons. then i was talking to everyone on my dads side, and they felt the sam way i did. tell her the truth.
so, that night when i picked her up, i asked her if she would like to go to a special church for big memere. she said yes and i could tell by the look on her face she was happy to be going.
now, i know the situation is totally different with your kids being older, but i guess what im trying to say is to just be honest with them. do they already undertand everything about death and what happens? im only asking because i dont remember how old i was when i learned about it. i think i was right around their ages. i would just sit them down and tell them that you have something that you need to talk to them about and tell them that she has been sick for a little bit, but she got worse fast, and that now she is in a better place where shes not sick or hurting anymore. and if you need any help explaining what happens to us when we die, i found an awesome booklet at the funeral home to explain it to kids. i think it was "answering a childs questions about death" or something like that. maybe that would help. i wouldnt "pussyfoot" around the subject with them. their old enough to know the truth. just let them know that you and everyone else will be crying a lot, but thats ok. it worked wonders with my little one! anytime id start breaking down, she would come over and just put her hand on my shoulders and tell me it was ok.
believe it or not, im sure they will be your strength thru this!!! i hope this helped!!
my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time of need.
~R.

Hi K. I was 13 when my grandmother passed away I was very close to her she was the only women figure I had in my life and it was a very hard thing to deal with but the best way is to just tell them they are both old enough to understand death so I would just be honest about it and tell them she was very sick and it was her time to go. I had to go through the whole process of my grandmother's passing with the family making all the funeral arrangment that was a little much but be open and honest about it because if not it could be worst in the future for the relationship if your not.

I feel your pain. I had to recently tell my daughter who was only 4 at the time, that her 13 year-old cousin had been shot to death. It's never an easy subject. We were referred a book about Waterlilies and Dragonflies. It was very soothing and my sister and I actually got dragonfly tattoos to memorialize my nephew (her son). All you can do is explain the circle of life and then draw into your own religious beliefs to explain beyond that. To celebrate her life I suggest a project like making a quilt from her favorite clothing, a scrapbook or a photo album.