Helping Kids Deal with the Death of a Favorite Grandparent

My father-in-law passed away on Feb. 14th of this year to Liver Cancer. He was and still is my daughters favorite Grandfather. She was with us on the night that they took him to teh hospice care facility and knew that he was going to the doctor. I had no idea how I was going to tell her or if she would understand what was going on, she is only 3. My husband is the one that finally told her. We had came home on the night that he passed and I went on into the house and thought that they were right behind me. A few minutes later I looked outside and my husband and daughter were sitting in the middle of the driveway looking up and the sky. He had pointed to the biggest star in the sky and told her that that was pawpaw and he was watching her. She thought that he was pointing at the moon so every time she see the moon she says "there is my pawpaw."

If there's anything you can do to have your mother in law do this one thing, I think it will help down the road. Please ask her to write a letter (if she is able) to each of her grandchildren, talking about who she was and what she hopes for her grandchildren. I tried (in vain) to get my husband to have his father write a letter for our son who is now five as his father progressed with melanoma. Every time my husband went down there, he failed to ask for his father to do that. Once his father died (after 14 months with melanoma, when our son was four months old), he realized he'd made a very serious mistake. It would be a treasure for your children to know more about the woman they won't get a chance to be with on down the road.

Like your other responses I have had the same thing happen to our family. In fact, we lost 2 grandparents(1 from each side)3 months apart in 2003 unexpectedly. I too encourage being honest and talking to the children up front. They will ask questions, they may cry, they may not quite understand just yet. The fact that you are sharing this with them, will only build a closer bond with you as parents, with the children and the ill grandparent, and hopefully with their faith in God and Jesus.

You may be surprised and moved by how they handle it. It will give more understanding when she passes if you share this with them now. Pray about it, our Lord will lead you. This is a difficult time, my prayers go out to you and your entire family.

My husband's father passed away this time last year, also from lukemia. My daughter and I had (thankfully) gone to visit him over a long weekend and had one very memorable day with him as we took a trip to the art museum. Unfortunately he went to the hospital again that first night of our visit and never came back home. She was too young to be allowed to see him in the hospital (MD Anderson, Houston) and I am honestly relieved of that. His condition got so much worse in such a short amount of time that I am glad that she did not have to harbor such a memory of him.
While we all knew he was ill, he had gone into remission twice before and were all somehow unconvinced that he would succumb to the disease. I suppose this left us all feeling unprepared, even though we were all aware of what was going on.
Like the others who have replied, I would suggest you talk candidly with your children about what is happening. Your two older children being of school age possibly have had some exposure to information about lukemia through fundraisers for St. Jude's or the American Cancer Association. Answer their questions to their satisfaction. Explain that it is normal to cry and even be angry about the loss of a loved one. My daughter felt guilty about our little visit to Houston, fearing that she may have exposed her beloved grandfather to some school-kid virus that attacked his already non-existent immune system. If you can take your children to visit while she is at home in familiar surroundings, but not confine them to the house for the entire visit, instead of taking them to visit while she is in the hospital it may make it easier for them to deal with. I would suggest having your husband talk with her about this and how she feels about having them see her in a deteriorating state.
Something that we did as a family unit was to make a list and gather pictures of all of our favorite times with him. This activity helped us to focus on being thankful for the time that we were able to have him in our lives, instead of being resentful for his death. It also made our daughter feel as though she was contributing to the funeral plans that were otherwise very grown-up activities in that she was able to make a poster that was displayed at the church for everyone to see and reflect on the awesome grandparent that he was. She now has that poster framed in her room to look at when she misses him and when she wants to talk to him, she talks to those pictures.
Another thing to talk about with your children would be what happens during the time of a funeral. By this I mean the possiblitiy of an open casket, saying good-bye, and the saddness and happiness that will be displayed by family and friends. Remember that it can sometimes be confusing for younger kids to understand that you can be happy about the joys of the life of someone and be sad about their absence all at the same time.
I realize that this has become lenghty, but I do hope that it helps you decide what is the best approach for your family to take in helping to ease the inevitable grief that will be felt by all.
My heart goes out to you.

We recently lost one of our best friends, who was the godfather to our children, to leukemia. Before he passed, we sat the kids down and talked to them. He had actually previously taken a trip that was supposed to last four months while he went to get a bone marrow transplant, but was sent home after just a few weeks and told he had a matter of months. We explained to them that the doctors hadn't been able to make him better while he was on his trip, and that he would soon be going to Heaven. We told them that, while he would no longer be here on Earth with them, that he would always be with them in their hearts, and that he would be keeping an eye on them as their guardian angel. We told them that they could always talk to him when they wanted, and that he'd be able to hear them. It made them a lot more comfortable to know that, while he was no longer going to be here with them, he would always be there no matter where they are.

L.,
Our prayers are with you and your family. My husband is currently battling cancer and I recently picked up a booklet on talking to your children when a family member has cancer. There is an organization that provides lots of support free of charge. It is called Cancer Care (www.cancercare.org). Check it out and there may even be local stuff you can find from them. Hope this helps!!
K.-www.balterbaby.com

L.,

I am so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. My father also passed away from leukemia almost nine years ago. I, and my son, who was then 2 and a half, were there in the final two weeks. We shielded our son from most things, but when Dad finally did die, we told my son that "Papa Jimmy" is now with Jesus in heaven and is happy keeping track of all of us. We said, Papa won't be here with us on earth, but that doesn't mean he stops loving you or that we have to stop loving him. He was ok with that and I thought he would never forget the experience... but he did. Doesn't remember a thing about it. He barely remembers my father at all... but will recognize him in pictures. I think you can handle the situation differently with your older children... especially the oldest one. I would be fairly straight with him or her. Kids that age understand that death is final. I would say Grandma was very sick and she wasn't happy at the end, now she is at peace... that sort of thing. The seven year old may be the toughest because he or she may kinda know what death is but not exactly. He or she may start fearing their own death as much as missing their Grandma. Maybe if you have a priest, minister or rabbi to talk to, that would be wise. They deal with these kinds of things all the time. Good luck to you!

Hi L.,

My mom died in June of 2005 at the age of 87 and my girls took it so hard. They were always closest to my parents and even though she was old and death was inevitable it rocked our home for a long time.

I believe you need to tell them. You said you felt unprepared, they will too. If you tell them now, they can have most of their questions, that they will think of everyday, probably answered before she passes away. Either way it will be hard on them as well as you and your husband. If they know, then you can simply remind them of what has already been discussed when they ask over and over again.

Also they may want to send something to her if you husband is going to see her. My youngest daughter was upset that she didn't say goodbye to her grandmother and my mom wasn't even sick. A gift, a letter, a phone call may give them some closure if they can express some things to her now.

Ultimately, you have to decide. This is just some insight from a recent loss.

God bless!

M.

I think honesty is always the best way to handle things. Obviously you need to give them age-appropriate answers, but I believe that shielding them from the painful experiences of life actually does more harm than good in the long run. One of the biggest mistakes we make as parents (and I'm a grandparent now) is loving our children so much that we don't allow them to experience and grow from pain and even failure.

If you don't allow your children the opportunity to see their grandmother and have a chance to say goodbye, you risk losing their trust in other areas. Death is a natural part of life and it will help them as they grieve after she is gone to know that they were able to express their love to her.

If you don't feel equipped to talk to your children about the death of their grandmother, I would suggest asking your pastor for assistance.

L.,
What a difficult time for you.
I would encourage you to be honest with them and let them know that she is dying. Before you do so, you may want to let their teachers know of your plan so they will know what's happening should they bring it up in school. You can also have the school counselor check on them and offer to speak with them.
Give them some paper and crayons and let them draw pictures of what they're feeling as it is sometimes difficult for kids to identify and communicate their feelings.
If you or your husband are feeling sad, don't hide it from them. It's important that they know it's okay to feel sad and cry and if they see you do it, then they will feel more okay about it too.
If there is any way they can see her, then I would encourage them to have the opportunity to do so.
Follow their lead. They will guide you on what to do. Kids can be amazingly resilient.
After she is gone, a lot of what I suggested still applies.
My grandfather died just before he was 90 and five days before my kids turned six. Although he had a few medical problems, he was not on his death bed, thus, it was unexpected. My kids adored him and still often bring him up. Just a couple months before he died, he was playing hide and go seek with them. I took them to the funeral and brought paper and crayons with me. My daughter sat with me and we cried together. My son sat with my husband and he drew pictures of the funeral (casket with American flag on it, etc.). If I was having a bad day, I was honest with them and let them know. I believe it "gave them permission" to express their feelings at the level that they could.
My thoughts are with you and if I can be of any help, please feel free to send me an email.
Take care,
R.

L.,

I have two stories to tell. First my sister was going through the same thing and didn't tell my niece, thinking it would be too painful. Once my sister's mother-in-law passed away, my niece, then 6 asked why she wasn't told how bad it was.

My own story. I have a three year old son and my husband passed away unexpectedly 6 months ago. When I came home, I sat down with him and told him that Pop had gone to be with Jesus and would not be coming home. I told him that he may not be able to hold him or play with him, but he could talk to him, just like he talked to Jesus. He just turned away and started playing with his toys. I thought it was a strange reaction, but the next day, he picked up his favorite picture of my husband, looked at it without saying a word, then put it back down. The next day, he said my shoulder hurts. Asking about his shoulder, he said "Pop's shoulder doesn't hurt anymore. Jesus made him better." I said "yes Pop's better now." My son talks of his dad every day and sometimes the questions and comments will break your heart, but I continue to answer and talk in hopes that he will remember his father even though he was so young when he passed away. I encourage him to talk, even though I may have to cry later.

I am sorry for your loss, but the memories will last forever and I encourage you to talk about what is happening and later so the memories will stay with your children.

D. H

Cub Scouts has a wonderful book "Cub Scouting's BSA Family Activity Book" that has a section in it that deals with death. It can be purchased by anyone (you don't have to be a member of the Scouts) at any local Boy Scout store. There are official Boy Scout Stores in most communities, ask any parent of a scout and they will tell you where it is. Or go on line.

Good Luck.

There is a beautiful book called "The Grandfather Tree" that still makes me cry! We read it at my Grampa's funeral--it is a special book in our family.

Peace~ Jenn

*hugs to you and your family during this time*

They should see their grandmother before she passes. She might have something to say to them and it would serve no good to either her, them or you and your husband if they didn't have that special time together before she passes.

Those who are about to make their new journey with God need to be given the opportunity to see, touch, speak and show ultimate love to those around them in order to give them peace in passing. Be honest with the kids about her condition (whatever is appropriate for their age level). Shielding a natural part of life from them will instill negative feelings in the long-run. Kids accept things in their own way that adults can't.