Oh No! Grandparents Day at School!

Well, I think the school is trying to do a nice thing, a good thing, but as it goes in life, you just can't please everybody in every situation.

I don't believe in complaining about things unless I'm offering to help find a solution, so if you feel that strongly about this, why don't you talk to the school (or PTA/PTO or whoever is sponsoring this event) and ask them if it could be Grandparents/VIP day.

If a child doesn't have a grandparent available, another special person in that child's life can attend instead, perhaps an aunt, uncle, even a parent, any special adult to that child.

As I said, you can never make 100% of the people happy, but this solution casts a wider net and will satisfy the vast majority.

J. F.

This is something all the schools do. It's a universal fact of life that people have families. It's something they learn about to help them associate time passing and learn about aging, the past and progress, and more. Not having grandparents isn't a bad thing. Not knowing anything about them or having any knowledge of them is just sad.

Some kids, like the ones in foster care, often have the faster parents family around and they borrow them.

All ethnic people have them, all human beings have them in fact. So it's a universal celebration.

I would simply email the teacher a polite email "Johnny doesn't have any grandparents who are local, but I don't want him to feel left out. Do you have any suggestions?"

Maybe she'll say - he can bring a parent instead, or maybe a family friend. If she doesn't come up with something and you still feel strongly, you could consider having him stay home. But I'd give the teacher a heads-up and see her reaction first. It would be a polite way of letting the school know that this might be an issue for at least some kids.

Try Grandparents day when your sweet little 2nd grader's Grandma is literally dying of cancer in the home next door to hers. Then again a few months after she passes the next year. Ouch.

My girls were a huge part of my Mom's life and her death. Not a big fan of the day for obvious reasons but the idea is to honor the older people in your child's life. He can bring a special friend, latch on to another kids grandparent (you could set this up in advance) or stay home that day.

Why is eliminating it entirely your wish? Stop trying to make this perfectly comfortable for your kid at the expense of others. It isn't always pleasant, it's life.

Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.

Any "special" day involving family, some kid is going to be left out.

Donuts with Dad? Some kids don't have a dad. Or some kids have two dads, but the school only allows one dad per child, so the kid has to choose which dad to bring.

Muffins with Mom? Same scenario as Donuts with Dad.

Making cards for Mother's Day or Father's Day? Same thing again.

If you r kid is going to have his feelings hurt to the point of emotionally scarring him forever, then keep him home. Or you could send him to school, let him meet some potentially awesome folks in the form of his friends' grandparents, and if anyone asks where his are, he can simply tell them, "They don't live close by, so they couldn't make it."

My kids have 2 sets of wonderful grandparents, but they all live 1000 miles away. Our school also does a grandparents celebration. It does not bother me that our kids don't have their grandparents there. Sure, I would love them to live closer, but I don't think the whole school should cancel because some can't participate.

When my oldest was in kindergarten, our school did 'Donuts with Dad'. My husband was deployed, so he had no dad present. I didn't think it was unfair--it is what it is.

If the school cancelled everything that every kid couldn't do, then there would be nothing...

**NO yearbooks--because some kids can't afford them
**NO school pictures--because some kids can't afford them
**NO running club--because some kids (like mine) have a bad heart and can't run long distances
**NO after school Lego Club--because some kids can't get a ride home at 3:30
**NO kindergarten graduation--because some parents can't get off work and come to school at 12pm

I can go on and on...Just tell your little guy that you'd LOVE for his grandparents to come, but they live far away.

The teachers make it a point to include all the kids with all grandparents/friends that are there. Your son will not be excluded. If you keep him home, you will be doing a great disservice. He won't be the only one there without a grandparent.

Sorry but I disagree with you. Does every child have a parent who can get out of work and be there for every ceremony that comes up? Should schools ban "mother-daughter" or "father-son" events (which our district does in 5th grade to present gender-specific adolescent development information) because not every child has a mother or father? How about "father-daughter" dances or "mother-son" events?

Your child will not be the only one there without a grandparent, and just because a special guest situation doesn't apply to everyone doesn't mean that the school should avoid extending involvement to extended family members.

If you're really unsure, express your concern to the teacher and my guess is that she'll tell you that a large % of students don't have grandparents who can come and it's no big deal, all of the kids enjoy having special guests in the classroom.

Better yet...if your child is friendly with any kids in his class who will have a grandparent there, talk to the friend's parents ahead of time, let them know that you son's grandparents won't be able to make it and ask if they're OK with your son buddying up with theirs for the day. When our school has had "father-son" things, sometimes my husband was able to pitch in a fill in for my oldest son's absentee father and sometimes he wasn't. If he wasn't, I would just arrange in advance for my son to buddy up with someone else for the event and they would "share" the friend's dad.

Please don't let your own feelings about this negatively influence your child, and at least ask your in-laws if they'd like to attend. You never know, they might surprise you and rally for this. If not, no big deal, he won't be the only one without a guest, really.

We don't have any grandparents that aren't a airplane flight away and they don't have anyone to fill in. So I go myself. Don't act bitter and sad your kid will follow your lead.
I can't believe people would complain about this just because their kid doesn't have someone to bring other then a parent. Maybe we cancel everything so no one can have any kind of celebration.

There were grandparents days when none of my kids grandparents could make it. They always came home with interesting stories they heard from their friend's grandparents. This will only be a bad thing if you chose to make it a bad thing by allowing your son to pick up on your feelings.

None of my kids grandparents live in our state. They didn't bring any grandparents. Lots of kids didn't. I didn't think twice about it. They didn't say they minded. I thought it was cute that the kids with grandparents right in the area got to bring them. I was one of the few parents to show up to parents day and parents lunch day. People work. My kids were glad I was there, but all the kids without their parents looked looked perfectly happy to me too...my daughter's friend in school is a foster kid and I sat with both of them at lunch and asked about their day. Don't project sadness onto the day for your son. If he gets upset for some reason just talk him through it. My kids have lots of friends with happily married parents attending games etc. or dads to play catch with. I'm a single mom. Everyone's life is not the same. It's not what happens in life but how you perceive it that counts...or however those zen sayings go...

I agree about assumptions that certain holidays and occasions are going to be equally affirming for everyone. It shows a lack of awareness of different sorts of families, pressures, etc. Father/daughter dances, Valentines, all kinds of thing serve to isolate kids rather than create a caring community.

I taught in a school that had a "Special Friends" day - kids invited grandparents, neighbors, etc., and the school also invited former teachers, donors, community members, etc., and those individuals were all assigned to kids who got to show those guests about their projects or the work being done in school.

I'd write an email to the teacher to ask what her/his plan is for children who don't have grandparents or who don't have any who are available/healthy/involved. Ask what's planned for the day and how all the kids who don't have grandparents are to be helped to participate. Don't accuse - just ask from the standpoint of "I'm sure you've consider this, and my Jimmy is in the category of a child who doesn't have grandparents. What is your plan?"

You're assuming the grandparents will not attend. That's not fair to anyone. My parents made the effort while both working full-time for one to attend things for my kids over the years and they live 3 hours away. I think its a great opportunity for kids to see how different families work. If you make this sad and that you're lacking then that is how your child will feel. If you want your son to have older people involved in his life, find someone - at church, someone to mentor in a sport or boy scouts. My children's paternal grandparents rarely attended anything of theirs, but they don't love them any less. It's a great event and a very special day for the kids, please don't take this away b/c it could be unfair for a few.

Try not to let this get to you so badly.

MANY children do not have a grandparent to bring. It is not a big deal. It is a bigger deal for the grandparents that want to be there.

My parents are out of state and in-laws are dead. My daughter turned out just fine without them in attendance for all of the grandparent events.

Not every child has an opportunity to have a special relationship with a grandparent. It is sad but that is the way it is.

There are many children who can't have dad in attendance for donuts with dad or activities geared toward mom because a lot of parents work, some divorced, some serving our country, etc.

You child will be ok. Please don't make him miss the day because he has nothing to be ashamed of and many of the grandparents have open arms for those children who don't have grandparents in attendance. It could be something special for your child.

Lots of kids don't bring grandparents. My kids have never had their dad at dad's day because he works and can't get off. I pretty sure they won't have lifelong scars.

Okay, lots of kids don't have anyone for grandparents day. It's just a way to teach children to appreciate their elders, it's not about you, your child or your specific situation.
My kids understood this in preschool. The only grandparent they had available and willing to come was my mother in law, and she had a very busy schedule and lived 90 minutes away so they completely understood when she couldn't come.
I promise you this upsets YOU a lot more than your child so please let it go, it's not worth getting so worked up about.

My kids were born overseas and we have never lived any closer then a full days air travel from our family. It is what it is, I would not begrudge the children who do have family close a day at school to show off their grandparents and let other kids meet them and hear their stories. I would encourage my kids to talk to the other grandparents and to share the stories they have about their own grandparents with their friends, even thought the grandparents would not be there.

I have an illness that means I miss a lot of my kids' school events and special days. Just the way it is unfortunately. If my husband can't make it, my kids pair up with a friend. That's what happens - they join a pal and share the parent or grandparent. It's actually fun for the kids. Sure, they might notice they don't have their own person there, but so many kids are in the same boat - teachers are terrific at pairing kids up.

I wish I could do more with the kids at their school, but I don't begrudge the parents who can go. Or the school for having special family days.

I get what you're saying ... I do. Because I have felt the same way (you want to protect your children from feeling hurt or left out). But that's life. And as I said, it will be a fun experience in the end for your child. Mine are always ok.

What you can do is let your child bring in a photo of themselves with their grandparents, or make a nice poster with a picture of them with their different grandparents ... for them to share with the class. And something special about each grandparent (or just one - whatever is applicable).

I did that as a child - my grandparents all lived overseas. That was a pretty exciting thing to share with the class. I also used my next door neighbor for grandparent projects.

Good luck :)

With families so scattered across the country, your son will probably not be the only one without a grandparent. Stop feeling so guilty about it and don't project your feelings on to him. Ask the teacher what is planned for kids without grandparents before you plan to keep him home. The kids might have been learning a special song to share.

I know this won't solve your Grandparents Day issue this year, but perhaps you can help your son develop a relationship with an older person in your neighborhood for future years. Do you have any older people in your neighborhood or someone at church that you could bring cookies to or run an errand for with your son? Or perhaps you could volunteer at an assisted living center together and meet some of the older people who may have family far away. They are probably missing their families too.

My daughter had a grandparents day when she was in the preschool at the park district. My mom does not drive and would not be able to get over to us. My mil lives in Mexico so that is obviously not an option. My dad was in a nursing home at the time. She still went and they had fun. She did not get upset because her grandma could not be there--she did ask why not but understood. I would not worry about it.
Cannot remember if they did something like this in Kinder.

I very much understand what you are feeling with this. I was adopted by parents that were 40 when they got me. The only Grandparent left was my Dad's Dad and he died when I was a year old. I was exactly 6 months old when they got me. I still get jealous when I hear of someone my age that has grandparents still alive. I am 51.
If I were you I would go. If both you and your husband can go, do it. In a small city here in Michigan,an elementary school had classroom Grandmas. My husbands' cousin who recently passed away was one and she loved it.

Does it have to be biological grandparents? My kids, although they don't have any living biological grandparents, certainly have lots and lots of surrogate grandparents who would likely be thrilled to stand in for something like this. Friends, neighbours, people from church? There are plenty of elderly, retired people out there who would love to feel needed. Ask an elderly friend and I bet you will not only solve your problem, but you will brighten an older persons day as well.

Anyone that is part of your childs life is welcome to go. Don't get hung up on the words "grandparents".

My kids attend a private school because I hate public schools and their asinine policies but the private school also has grandparents day which now is called VIP day. My kids don't have grandparents to go to this day so I either keep them home or one time their aunt went or I went.

It irritates the heck out of me that all "holidays" or special days have been taken away in some form. Please don't make a big deal out of this. Either send a special friend with your son, you go or keep him home.

I don't have a dad so I never went to the dances or donuts with dad or whatever it was when I was young. My friends would ask, where's your dad? I would just say I don't have one, which is true. So prepare your kid for a response like, "my grandma lives far away" or is sick or can't drive or is dead or whatever. Life isn't all fairies and unicorns for everyone, instead of being mad at the school, just teach your kid to deal with it. JMO. Good luck.

Our kids' school does this event and it's really special. I know it meant the world to our kids' grandparents who were able to attend. Many kids didn't have grandparents there for various reasons and were assigned to hang out with grandparents who were there, although most of the time was spent in large groups. I heard from some of their parents that it went well.

The school will not make him feel excluded. Ours made a real effort for that not to happen. Since you're concerned, I'd get in touch with the teacher and find out what will be done for kids whose grandparents aren't there before decided to keep him out that day.

This issue comes up a lot with anything assigned to a relative. Mother's Day isn't always a happy occasion, same with Father's Day.

Borrow one! I'm serious. My MIL doesn't leave her house anymore except for holidays and my mom is not local. So when DD has a family thing come up, I invite one of my favorite people to be a surrogate grand. My friend's DIL is nutty and doesn't include the grandparents much and my friend has so much to give. DD loves when my friend shows up. Please understand that the school is no more trying to offend you than if you were dead and the kids did something for Mother's Day. I didn't get to do "daddy-daughter" dances because my father was MIA. For Father's Day crafts, I gave them to my grandfather. Please try to make this a positive thing. Even for the kids with close relationships with their grands, not all will be able to have their grandparents attend. He won't be the only kid. If you are concerned he will feel left out, talk to his teacher for reassurance.

My mom loves grandparents day, as does my son. I think it's wonderful to have grandparent involved in a child's school. Having said that, my mom did tell me that on the last grandparent's day that there was one child in my son's class that didn't have a grandparent present. The little girl was upset about that, which upset my mom. My mom took her under her wing, which made her feel included and special, and it ended up being something special for both of them. My son even said "You can share my grandma with me!". It just melted my mom's heart.
I would ask the teacher what plans are in place for kids that won't have a grandparent. Even so, there's no reason it can't be a special time for your son. Most of the visit was asking the grandparent questions like what they liked to do as a child, what their favorite subjects were in school, how was life back then, etc. There's a lot to learn from the older generation, so your son might find the experience interesting whether he has a grandparent present or not.

anyone can go with him. It doesn't have to be a grandparent. When my son was in preschool, they had a day where the dad's can come to school with the kids. My husband was away in police academy. So, my husbands cousin took a couple hours off of work and came to his preschool to be male family member to go there to school with him. He was SO happy that his uncle was able to go there.
I think it would be ok even if you went with him that day.

Do you know anyone like me who would love being a substitute grandparent? I have grown children but they haven't had a grandchild and I have nieces and nephews all over and there are not any auntie days to send me to, so wish I could afford a ticket and I'd step in!but maybe there is someone at your church who is feeling a little lonesome and would love to participate. And you know, don't give up on any of your relatives. I found out my stepfather for instance didn't mind coming to something even though I assumed he wouldn't. Just never know.

My son's is called Grandparent/ Special Person Day. He had a favorite neighbor come. Check with the school. I can't imagine them being so insensitive.

Because...

As a Grandma, I like being involved. I am SOOOO proud of my grandchildren I would try to go to each of their Grandparents Day. I go to concerts and most of their events. I love cheering them on and telling them how proud I am of them.

In your case you must know an older adult from the neighborhood or church etc. who would be happy to go for your son. Maybe they have grandchildren too far away to go for, they could be the 'special grandparent' that day.

Ask the teacher what other children in this situation have done for a solution.

This is not a big deal.
Options?
A favorite other adult in your child's life. Or gasp, your child will just have you or dad there instead.

When my kids' school has grandparent day (or Daybreak with Dad or Morning with Mom) the information also says it can be any special adult. My MIL and SIL have attended grandparents' day. A little girl whose dad was stationed in the Middle East came to Daybreak with Dad with her mom and a picture of her dad.

Is there someone special in your son's life that he could take? An aunt or uncle? A family friend? A special caregiver? Maybe even you. I'm sure the school wouldn't prevent someone other than a grandparent from coming.

I understand being upset that your son doesn't have the typical grandparent experience, but how about making it into something positive for him, instead of keeping him home. Why not dress up as a granny, powder your hair, get a cane, the whole 9 yards, and go as Granny yourself. You could bring pictures of the grandparents who couldn't come themselves.

As for going to the school to complain, I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. All families are different. Does that mean we can't celebrate family in anybway, shape, or form? Do you see single moms or lesbian parents protesting the Daddy-Daughter dance or do they step up and go in Dad's stead?

Direct your anger when it's appropriate, not at the school, but at the grandparents who could, but don't.

I wouldn't over think it and certainly not keep him out. I am sure he can bring someone else! Isn't it just an hour or so of the day anyway.

My youngest son has had my sister in law be his surrogate grand parent for that day. Don't you have an older friend who could go?

I also have family that live hundreds of miles away. Our school allowed either a family friend or grandparent for grandparent's day. Why not see if this will fly. We don't have any food at social functions at school but we certainly do have Halloween - parade and all. Who is offended?

My school aged grandchildren live a hour away and I work full time. There have been a few times when things were going on at school for grandparents and we weren't able to attend. The other grandpa is deceased and grandma lives 12 hours away. Instead aunties and uncles have gone to share the special time. Could you or your husband go? It really doesn't matter that its not grandparents. Kids love to share time with anyone at school.

They think that kids have a special relationship with grandparents because the vast majority do. BUT - I know where you're coming from. I didn't have a dad after age 12 so I completely get it. I'm sure another adult, even mom, can fill in. When I used to host the father daughter dinner at church we always encouraged girls without fathers to bring an uncle, grandfather or family friend. And they did. And the man of honor always seemed to truly enjoy himself and feel honored.

Do you have a good friend or sister? What about a baby sitter or older kind neighbor who loves your child? A sunday school teacher? In kindergartent he kids are still pretty clueless about what age is "right" to be a grandparent - so having an aunt or your best friend fill in will be fine and won't make your child feel awkward.

Reach out to the teacher right away and ask what other kids do. The way families relocate for job opportunities these days I'm sure it's pretty common that kids don't have a grandparent near by.

I have to agree with you, the special day is a poor choice. My boss' children had "GP Day" at their school, right after both of them had passed within months of each other.

Perhaps you can take a deep breath, write a short, but to the point note to the school principal.

And yes, kids do feel awkward when they don't have a parent by their side for these special days. I watched one kid with their dad on Facetime during a dad's and donuts day.

SMH!

When my kids were in kindergarten, all of their grandparents were living and healthy, but we live a distance away from all of them. Therefore, they did not have a grandparent visiting on Grandparent Day.

At least half of the class did not, so they certainly were not the odd man out or anything. Kids that didn't bring their own just 'borrowed' another kid's grandparent and sat with them. :-)

If you don't make it into a big deal, it won't be a big deal for your child. Try to relax and adjust your perception of the situation.

We have no grandparents anywhere near us, as do most of our friends. So when the school hosts something like this most kids do not have a grandparent who can show up anyway. I think your husband should call his parents and invite them. Who knows they might say yes. If they do, then let your son know and not before. I think you are feeling too upset over this and it's not really that big of a deal. Your son should go into this thinking it's not a big deal and quite a few other kids will have grandparents who cannot make it. We just had a veterans day celebration and the kids were to invite a family member who was a veteran. Some kids had someone there...most did not. It was still a really nice celebration for the veterans who could make it.

Suggest they change the name to generations day. Perhaps make it a point to find someone who fills that role all year round? My son has a godfather that fills in when needed. It is great to have this - and we set it up at birth so that he would have someone who fit that role in his life. It's not too late!

I think my son's school had it, and then changed it to "bring a friend" day just for this reason. Perhaps write up what you put here and suggest the alternate - that way, anyone from the family could come, or heck, a favorite neighbor.

I'd find out what the plan is for kids who don't have grandparents there. If there is no plan and you don't have another special adult, I'd go wth him or do something else. We don't have local grandparents and luckily our school doesn't so this. But what I have told my kids is I grew up without grandparents and it would have been nice but I turned out just fine. Be very matter of fact about it. I wouldn't act all sad for him. That will make him sad. Shrug it off and he will too. If there is no plan for kids without grandparents btw, then I'd bring this up with the principal. I get how it's nice for some kids and families so I'm not against it so long as they make it fun for all the kids.

Our school does grandparent's "day", but my mom jokes that it should be called "grandparents hour". It is literally an hour and a half long. The grandparents meet in the gym for coffee with the administration for the first half hour, then can go visit their grandchildren in their classrooms for the remainding hour. My parents have 3 kids to visit so they have 20 minutes in each room. When I emailed the administration a couple of years ago to ask why it was so short, one of the reasons given was consideration for the kids whose grandparents couldn't be there. They make every effort to try and pair kids up with friends so that no one feels left out. They also invite parents, aunts, uncles, or family friends to come in place of grandparents.

I have a friend whose mom died last year, so this grandparents day was really tough for her kids. She wanted to stay home with them, but couldn't miss work.

If I was in this situation, I'd keep my child home that day.

I hear you but it does take a village. Growing up grandfathers were fleeting. It was complicated. Maternal stepgrandfather was a drunk (a good man but a drunk non-the-less) and Paternal grandfather was a hard unyielding man. Neither would have been a good candidate for something like this. However at the church there were wonderful grandfatherly men galore. They inspired, challenged, guided and loved on us kids like we belonged to them because we did. They would fill in for absent fathers and grandfathers if needed.

While blood definitely makes you family, there are just times when you get the honor and privilege of choosing family.

Your kid is in kindergarten and if you don't make him feel like he is missing something he probably won't feel the loss either. If you feel so strongly about this, you should speak up and not be silent. Your rights and insights matter too. It just sounds like you are in a community where this is more the norm than the exception to the rule. In the community I'm in there are tons of different types of people and families.

I hope this helps keep us posted and don't be so anxious about it.

I think a lot of kids will be in the same boat.
In my son's classes over the years we've had kids who's grandparents were in India - they could not hardly travel to the other side of the planet to be here for an event like this.
In the area we're in now there are a lot of military families and half the time it's a parent that's away on deployment for 6 or more months of the year.
It's just really hard to do family days like that - someone always feels left out.

I think it would be fine to keep your child home that day.

My grandchildren's schools call the day Grandparents and Friends. Many students bring a family friend and sometimes their own parent. I suggest that his school does something similar. The "and Friends" gets dropped off when talking about it.

If I was you, I would take him out of school that day and do something special, a museum/zoo/aquarium. He will remember that day a million times more than anything they could do 'special' at schol.

I am in the same situation, and have used 'special' people in their place. Our music class has parents day, and there was this one girl that was crying because her mom was not there. I try to make everything as that girls sad face still gets me.

Don't think twice about it.....keep him home!!! He won't miss anything and will have such an amazing day with you.

My daughters' schools both hosted grandparents days. As a helper, I saw all sorts of scenarios in the classrooms. Some kids who did not have grandparents there were paired up with kids who did. And they got to know these grandparents over the years at the school, which was really fun for all of them. Other kids brought an aunt, uncle or special friend or neighbor. Sometimes parents attended. Sometimes kids didn't come to school that day. My kids didn't always have grandparents there (most times they did but not always) and if they didn't, they just spent time with a friend whose grandparents were there.

I would hate to see such a fun day cancelled because of kids who didn't have grandparents. I can't wait until I can go to one, now that my youngest is almost finished with school and my oldest is getting married. Talk to your school to see what your options are. I'm sure they don't want kids sitting alone and feeling left out. See what their plans are for kids like yours.

Check and see about a family friend/ parent. Students at my kids schools are encouraged to bring someone special in their lives, not necessarily a grandparent.

I understand how you feel. You have some very valid points. I would share your feelings with the teacher and mention you are considering keeping him home that day. See what she/he says. Is she aware of other students who don't have grandparents that will be able to come to school? If only like a third or half the class has grandparent guests, and they have a plan to make those without feel included, I'd feel better. Trust your gut. If you aren't satisfied with the teacher's response to your concerns, talk to your son. He is going to know about this event regardless of if you keep him home that day or not, so you may as well begin a conversation. Ask him how he feels about it. He may not be upset by it. If he's not bothered, send him and see how it goes. If he does seem upset (and he's not just picking up on your anxiety), I'd probably take him out for the day. That's also going to send a message to the school administration that perhaps this kind of event isn't very inclusive.

I too would be frustrated that the school would have this day. And if I were you, I would call the school and let them know you will be keeping your son home and that you are extremely unhappy that they have this day and then I would follow that with a letter to the superintendent of the District.