My daughter and I were reading her books for school. My husband came upstairs and started yelling at me again. This is a common occurence in our house. I do make mistakes. However I am a good and loving wife and mom. I don't drink,do drugs,cheat on my husband, there are an endless amount of things that set him off. What set him.off this time. I put in the trash my daughters old spelling test. ..instead of keeping them to go over what she got wrong.
I realize I am also at fault in this situation. My kids are kind loving kids who think of others. My husband is mostly a good dad..not a supportive husband.
In answer to what my daughter asked me. I pretended I didn't hear her and asked her to repeat it. She said nothing mom.
I challenge you to read the above paragraphs out loud.
To any living human being over the age of 18.
Anyone.
You don't hear it, but those two paragraphs are crazy and not at all how a marriage or family works. If you said it out loud - you'd hear it, and you need to hear it.
A good father wouldn't yell at his wife in front of his kids about throwing something out my accident. It's one thing to argue about little things in front of the lids but this is way too much. You guys need counseling.
You need to speak with your husband about this situation. Your children see him disrespect you on an ongoing basis. Your daughter sees this as normal behavior and has the potential to marry someone who is just like her father. If you have sons then they see this as the way a man should act and will grown up to be jerks to their spouses.
Would you be happy if your daughter gets married to a man like your husband or would you tell her she deserves better?
You are your daughter's teacher.
Mom B hit the nail on the head. PLEASE go get counseling. You need support to deal with this, along with your daughter. Do you realize that she will end up marrying THIS KIND OF MAN because she will have learned that this is the way things have to be. By watching YOU, mom.
If you have boys, they will end up treating their girlfriends and wives just like he is treating you. How can you continue allowing this??
Go get counseling. Figure out with your counselor where to go from here.
Jan, If and or when your daughter is married, would you EVER want her husband to treat her lie this or speak to her like this? What if it was a often as your husband does this to you?
If not, then why are you allowing this treatment to you? Your daughter is obviously aware, this is not good and not normal behavior of people that love and respect each other.
My father was a bully to my mom.. At some point he started treating me and my sister a bit like this. I asked my mom once. "Why don;t you make him stop?"
They had been to marriage counseling once. Then my father said he was never going back.. My mom had been a few more times alone, She said my question made her realize that it was better to leave him than to keep him. If I was able to notice his behavior was wrong, staying was going to make it worse.
It was the best choice that could have been made. We no longer had to walk on egg shells in case we were to upset him or infuriate him..
I was thrilled and relieved. My sister was upset, she was very young and did not understand, so I carried a lot of guilt about the relief I felt without him around.
I am sure you love your husband, you made a commitment to stay with him, but when your child is suffering because of this, it is time to either fix this, or get out. She deserves better than this.
And I can tell you, from a VERY young age, I knew my father did not totally respect my mother. He would NEVER have treated her the way he did if he did respect and 100% love her.
This strikes a chord for me, because I just left my husband a few days ago. Actually, I had to have the police remove him from the house. There is much more to the story, but I have to say that while I kept justifying why it was okay for him to rage at me, I saw him start to do the same thing to my daughter. We have three kids, and the thought of raising them by myself and trying to get along with him as a co-parent is now a much more attractive option than staying with him and watching him verbally attack the kids. I also don't want the kids to grow up and think it's okay for their father to constantly berate their mother for forgetting to buy salsa or for not hearing her cell phone ring.
Please take care of your self. They are not exaggerating when they say the most dangerous time for a woman is when she has told an abuser that she is leaving. I am a smart and successful SAHM with a healthy self-esteem. I had no idea that I was even in an abusive relationship until I saw my husband's behavior in our first marriage counseling session.
Please talk to an attorney (first consult should be free) to get some clarity on your rights. Good luck and take good care of yourself so you can take care of your kids.
Our children learn from us (both parents) how to treat people. Your daughter (not sure how old) knows the behavior in the house is not okay. Yelling on a regular basis is not okay. Talking to someone the way he talks to you is not okay.
It took a LOT of courage for your daughter to ask you that, and you ignored it. Don't ignore her. Talk to her about it and be honest, as appropriate for her age.
Go get counseling, for both of you. If he isn't willing, then I'd do a trial separation - he can then decide if he wants his family or his attitude.
Good luck with this...
May I suggest that he cannot be "mostly a good Dad AND not a supportive husband". If he was a good Dad he would be supportive of his children's Mother.
Your well being is of the utmost importance to your children's success and emotional health. Far more important then mastering spelling words. Your daughter is telling you something very important that is affecting her development. Please listen to her.
Don't pretend you didn't hear her. That isn't fair, she is worried. Not sure why you aren't more concerned.
i am sure your husband makes mistakes, do you yell at him? I would imagine not, why do you think it is acceptable for him to yell at you?
Sorry but he sounds like a lousy dad and a worse husband.
Don't pretend you don't hear her. You can't ignore the elephant in the room.
Your husband should not be yelling at you, in front of the kids or otherwise. It's abusive. You need to do something about it.
Great advice below.
Even though everyone seems to have scolded you for not recognizing that your husband should not be yelling at you, I think you are admitting it by posting on here.
I hear ya, it is hard to get everything in one man. While he was looking out for your daughter's best interest for school, he is yelling at you for it, which is disturbing your daughter. You have to hear what your daughter is saying to you and take it serious. If it is just a problem of him yelling, then perhaps he is over stressed at work. I take it that is not the case. You sound like you are hurting, which leads me to believe this is constant and it is having an effect on you as well.
With that said, what is his real problem? Something other than a strong drive to see his daughter do well on spelling is causing him to react this way. You need to find some counseling so that you can be strong enough to confront his problem.
My mother married my father 3 times, "because of us girls", I too wondered why she stayed married to him. He was abusive, an alcoholic, he spent all our money, and sometimes he couldn't keep his job. Does any of that fit? Get help.
Jan,
You are NOT at fault. I'm sorry. Your husband sounds like he wants a Stepford Wife.
Please do NOT ignore your daughter!! She SEES this happening!! That means it's REALLY evident and your daughter KNOWS it's not right! Please seek counseling for yourself and your children!! Demand that your husband seek counseling as well. This is NOT acceptable.
**THIS** is the example you are setting of what a marriage should be. Do you want **THIS** for your daughter? Do you want her to be treated like a 3rd class citizen by a "man"??? I think the answer to that is NO.
You and your children deserve so much better than this!!! STOP allowing him to ridicule you in front of the children. He is NOT perfect. While I get his wanting the kids to be the best they can be - don't always focus on what they got WRONG - show what they've done RIGHT!!! Stop allowing the negativity to seep in your home. Please!! You deserve so much better than this!!
Oh, sweetie! Your husband is NOT a good dad. One of the things a good dad does is model for his daughter what a loving husband and life partner acts like. Even as a child, your daughter can see what you don't. This is an ugly relationship. How does accidentally putting a paper in the trash merit getting yelled at?
You need to acknowledge your daughter's question. It shows that she sees that his behavior is not okay. And her response when you asked her to repeat the question shows that she already believes that you are not going to do anything about it. I wonder if she's thought yet about what will happen when he turns that anger on her? And if you don't think that's possible, think again. When she's an adolescent and no longer little and sweet, she will be his next target. And he may not wait that long. Your kids may already be a target when you're not there. Or even when you are there. Do you find yourself telling yourself that the kids deserve it when he yells at them (just like you tell yourself)?
Your daughter's question was a huge wake up call. You need to take measures to protect yourself and your kids. You are not helpless. There are things you can do.
A lot of people have suggested counseling, and I think it's a great idea. For him, and for you. But it's also time to call in your support network, so that if ugly gets uglier, you'll have help. Talk to your family, your friends, your church, a women's shelter. Tell people what is happening in your house. Your husband's ugly behavior thrives in the dark. If you don't have a support network, start building one. Your local women's shelter or YWCA is a good place to start. If he is or was military, you also have services available on base or at the Vet Center. Not just for him - for all of you.
I know it isn't easy opening one's eyes. My husband deals with combat related PTSD, and the serious anger issues that can come with it. It took both of us awhile to come to grips with what was happening in his head and in our house. The good news for us is that when I finally stopped tiptoeing and told him a few home truths, he went (on his own!) and got help. Things aren't perfect, but they are WAY better.
You don't have to live with this. You have choices. And for the sake of your children, the choice to do nothing is not the choice you should make.
If the requirement for being a good wife was never making a mistake, all of us since Eve have been in big trouble. And Adam didn't help her a bit!
I think maybe you're a woman who wants the marriage she has now to be a good one.
And for that I think you need counseling. If your husband won't agree, go by yourself. There's a lot you can learn by yourself.
Your daughter is learning what grown men and women are like by watching her parents. She watches her friends' parents, too, but not nearly as much. The "Are you sorry you married him?" line means she has been hearing things and thinking about things.
The way you behave will be her default behavior, so to speak, when she is an adult herself, and the way your husband behaves now will be her default thinking about men. It's why you often marry the type of person and have the type of marriage you knew about growing up, even if that's what you *don't* want.
I know about the problems involved in having to tiptoe around family members who get "set off" easily. My husband grew up in such a family, and it has been characteristic in that family for generations on both sides. That's what I mean by default behavior.
I'm not telling you to get a divorce. I'm telling you to get help from an impartial professional (not a web site or strangers) about how to make your family life better. There are many things you can do, but this probably needs to be the first. And the sooner the better. You'll want to put it off. Don't put it off.
On the flip side, if he's a good dad, why wasn't he helping her ? It would 've avoided that whole situation. (Have your daughter keep all her old tests in a folder to be ready to review whenever test time comes around.) As for your daughter asking you that, children are a lot smarter and observant than we give them credit for. Take a minute to realize this doesn't affect just you, but, your children are seeing and listening to everything. If this continues it will have a more profound affect on them as they get older. Witnessing this kind of behavior is what tends to lead kids done the wrong paths in life and doesn't help them to realize they have the power to change things in their own lives if you set the example. Not doing anything about it gives the wrong message and you really end up contributing to the problem instead of being part of the solution. It does take strength and courage to do this ,BUT YOU CAN DO IT. Don't play 'the victim" and remember anything worth doing or having is almost always never easy, but ,well worth the effort. P. S. Being a good husband is one of the best examples there is of a good Dad. Being respectful of his wife and to the mother of his children is a better Dad than most, especially in the eyes of his children. And why does anyone have to be 'at fault", accidents happen, it was a harmless mistake,not life or death. Wishing you strength, C. S.
