Disrespectful Children with Parents Seperated and an over Involved Grandmother

Don't yell -- don't say anything, make them do whatever it is you want them to do, and if they don't do it, silently put them in their room for a while. They are getting too much attention for negative behavior.

You need some parenting classes. You really do, A.. If you just have yelling matches with them, then you don't know how to effectively parent.

You and your ex need to go together to get family counseling. If you don't, then you'll just have little hellions. School will be a disaster. And everyone will blame you for it. Sorry, but you and your husband ARE to blame for this.

Go get help.

You will feel less frustration and more in control if you stop expecting their father and MawMaw to act differently. Know that you are only in control of your children when they're in your home.

Then focus on finding a way to parent that works for you. Read some books on parenting and discipline. I recommend Love and Logic by Foster Cline and 1-2-3 Magic.

First, stop yelling. When you lose control you've lost the possibility of success in that situation. Talk with your children face to face with your hand touching their shoulder or arm. Only start speaking when they're quiet. Wait them out. They will stop. This takes patience.

Decide on a consequence for misbehavior and not listening and doing what you say. Sending them to their room or giving them a timeout can work but doesn't work for all children. Timeouts don't work for my grandchildren but sending them to their room does. It gives them time to calm down, to realize that they have to obey if they want to come out and they do want to come out. When they go to their room tell them that they can come out when they're ready to say they're sorry for misbehaving and are ready to do what is asked. Being able to play in their room is OK. Playing is a way to gain distance and understanding. It's a coping technique that even adults use.

Do know that some of what you're complaining about is normal for kids this age and does not represent disrespect. And.....even more importantly girls are kids just as boys are. There should be no difference in what you expect from each. Making faces and noises, unless they're doing it instead of paying attention to you, is acceptable for both boys and girls.

Respond calmly and quickly to back talking, eye rolling. Do NOT yell. Do NOT show anger or frustration. Just matter of factly in a neutral tone of voice issue an immediate consequence. This is where "go to your room and stay there until you're able to come out, apologize, and treat me with respect" comes in. Or put her on a time out chair for 4 minutes.

Educate yourself about discipline techniques. If you want to try time outs learn about how to manage them. Learn about developmental stages and what you can expect from children this age. Pick your battles. Teaching respect is definitely a top priority. To teach you have to model respect for them. Yelling is disrespectful to both the children and yourself. Stop yelling.

They will listen if you get down to their level, look them in the eyes, maintain contact thru lightly touching their shoulder or arm and have them repeat back to you what you want them to do. Over and over until they've learned that listening to you is important. Be patient and respectful yourself.

It must be very confusing for your children to be in three different homes during the day. I don't understand why they can't stay with you for sleeping. Many families manage living in one place with limited space. Perhaps this is a way for you to share custody.

If so, then it would help if you and your ex found a way to agree on a way to parent including discipline. You say he says he does certain things but you don't think he actually does. How do you know this? I suggest that it would help for you to have more respect for him and his efforts to parent. Negative attitudes towards him only makes the situation more negative and difficult.

I suggest that you start with the attitude that he's doing the best that he can do and focus on talking in a manner that supports what he is trying to do. Admit to him that you're having difficulty getting the kids to listen and you know he must also be having that same challenge. Then talk together about ways to teach respect and compliance. Make this a partnership with him.

Why do you say the grandmother is over involved? I would expect that she would be very involved if their father is asking for her help with the children. See her as part of the team. Let your husband work with her. You should not get involved in your ex's relationship with his mother. And you definitely should not be so critical of her involvement. She is your ex's support.

For you to succeed in parenting your children you must focus on yourself and what you can do. Getting support from their father is a bonus. You are the only person you can change and control.

I know it's hard, but you don't need to yell and complain. Just be calm, firm and have your own rules in place, at your place.
Look at it this way, when kids go to school or daycare the caregivers and teachers often deal with kids who are spoiled or have no discipline at home. But they manage to be loving and effective because they have certain rules and boundaries in place for the children, and the children know, respect and follow the rules, because THAT IS WHAT IS EXPECTED.
Make your expectations clear, every day, and have consequences when expectations are not met, and your kids will learn to respect, and listen to you.
Young children are incredibly smart and adaptive, and most of all, they want to please. They learn at a very early age what is expected of them at home, school, grandma's, etc. Make sure YOUR home is a place of love AND discipline/respect and they will be just fine.

You can only control your world. First stop blaming your lack of control on others.

Just because they don't make it easier on you is not akin to actually creating the problem for you.

Sure I have a different set of rules here than my ex does. When they start acting like they are at their dad's house, hey Andy! Where are you? Oh, and things go back to normal.

Sure I make things easier for my ex. My youngest, my younger daughter hates being late for school so she took her schedule here and replicates it at her dads even getting her older brother up and ready.

In other words control my home, enforce my rules and they because the rules my kids live by. Kids need rules, they will prefer the organized home. It is just how kids are.

You can really only control yourself and your own home. They should know your rules and follow them when they get back to your house, and that can only happen if you have consistently implemented EFFECTIVE discipline after ONE calm warning for each thing that is not allowed. Don't get mad, don't let it escalate, don't yell, but take action right away so they learn to follow a warning and then to have right behavior as habit. My kids were warned firmly once not to give snide and disrespectful eye rolls. None of them did it a second time because by that age (4-ish) theyKNEW a very uncomfortable immediate consequence was next if they had been warned because I had always been consistent. To this day they are respectful, but that's because I am calm, fun, loving, but I will "bite" if my bark (warning) is not enough. My kid's dad and family are not helping me, so I have no one to complain or yell to. I understand it may be even more difficult to have those adults contradicting your efforts, but your kids have learned you cannot control them and you feel out of control. They feel that power every time you yell or beg others for help. You have to be respect-worthy and tough and calm yourself, momma. Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson has basic techniques that work well when you are consistent and calm.

It must be by difficult when their father is not on the same page! Google the book 'Have a New Kid by Friday'. It's got some great tips. Also, while you can't control what your ex does (unless he's prepared to really sit down and commit to changing his own behaviour), you can be a great role model for your girls. Be the one to show them the right way, even though it may be hard. And be kind to yourself too! Good luck.

Please go to parenting classes. What you're describing with your children sounds so normal... they're behaving like normal children making normal noises and sounds. The way you describe your children, especially your 4 year old... she's just a very small little girl... is so sad. Your children are reacting to YOUR attitude and behavior. They mimic and mirror what they see in you since they spend the most time with YOU. If you want to see change in your children, then the fix isn't the children. The fix isn't their father or grandmother either because they don't spend that much time with the girls. They spend the majority of their time with YOU.

This isn't a criticism of you. This is me recognizing depression in you. When I'm in the midst of a bad cycle in my depressive disorder, I'm much like you are describing in your own behavior and attitude. And my children will then reflect their behavior the same way. At my worst, my children were as unhappy as I was and it showed. I complained to my husband about the girls but it wasn't them that needed fixing... it was me. Getting therapy was the best decision I ever made. Please consider going to therapy. It's very healing, and you'll learn a lot of coping tools for stress and anxiety.

Can you get a different house so they can live with you? It's really hard to be the primary parent when they don't live with you.

I'm not sure how old your other daughter is.... but 4 is a tough age. If you and hubby aren't working together then unless you can take over it's going to be hard for these girls to have so many different rules. It can be done.... but you have to put in a LOT of time and effort training them to behave how you want. You have to work WITH them.... not just tell them what to do.

If you've been separated for 2 years.... that is 1/2 your 4 year olds life where she has been getting away with things. You don't just change that overnight. It took 2 years to get that way..... it will take a long time to change it.

Good luck.

I suggest you try a different attitude. They are having fun everywhere but your house. They come to your house and you yell and they hate it. You/re going to have to ignore the bad behavior as much as possible. Then reward them for good choices.

For example. When the 4 year old does something totally unexpected while playing or watching TV say "Hey, I noticed you .......good job!". Then try to find anything at all to comment on.

I started out with things like I saw you put that paper plate in the trash, thank you. I noticed you sat quietly while Danny Phantom was on...Awesome job!.

I started seeing less bad behaviors because they liked getting praised for actions.

They are pulling your strings because you are sending signals somehow that you feel badly about not having them whith you. Try to stop blaming yourself and act happy. They will pickup the cues.

I understand where you are coming from...I had almost the same problem when my 2 kids were growing up, and their father was most of the problem. We were separated but had to live in same house but different bedrooms for 2 yrs and I worked 2nd shift and he worked 1st. I would leave their chore list everyday and he was suppose to see that they did them....but I didn't find out til they had grown and on their own that their father would come home and sleep and they would do what ever that include being out in the woods around a pond and they were only 7 and 9. and because of his lack of help...they were always disrespectful to me and now blame me because I didn't know what was happening .....My son now has children of his own and is so disrespectful until last month, we don't speak and he want allow me to see my grandchildren.....so knowing what I know now...you will have to do something drastic like get family counseling and him included. Because if he's working against you ..it's only going to get worse the older they get. Just don't think they will grow out of it.....they may just get worse....I wish I had got counseling...my problem wouldn't be happening.....Good Luck.

I have respect issues in my own home with both parents here and no other family involvement just to let you know that kids can be like that anywhere. We have struggled with this for several years since my son started school and how to get consistency in all places. For the last year or more I yelled. A lot. Since school is now out and we are here all together all day I started a new plan. The plan involves holding myself responsible too. There is to be no yelling/eye rolling in our house. If I yell, I have to put a quarter in a jar, it my kids yell/roll eyes they have to put a nickel in a jar. I have to put more money because I am a grown up and should know better and not let my emotions take over. They owe less because they are still learning. We have also tried reward tokens for good behavior for the whole day. That is still a work in progress and has been for the last year. One day we may be able to get it right. There is lots of information out there for this (point charts, tokens, etc.).
I agree that the yelling is giving them attention which whether they know it or not may be what they are really craving, negative or not.

Good luck!!!