Help Communicating with My Tween Daughter

When she starts yelling walk away and end the conversation. That usually works. When she asks you why you are walking away and not answering her tell her when she learns to speak to you with respect you will talk to her until then you have nothing to say to her.

I would tell her that until she can speak in a respectful manner and an appropriate tone, she can go to her room. She needs to stay there until she's ready to talk -- let her know you are happy to hear her out and discuss - but yelling and melting down is not an option if she wants to talk to you.

She is manipulating you and if you are giving in when she throws a fit, it's working and she knows it!

Good luck -
C.

I love the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives lots of practical advice on just what the title says.

She's probably going through a lot of changes right now. It's great that you want to keep an open relationship with her so that she can feel like she can talk to you.

As a middle school teacher I've dealt with my fair share of back talking teens. The best advice I can give is not to engage with her when she behaves like that.

You're looking for natural, logical consequences for back talk and that's really the best one. If she is rude, the conversation ends. The point of view she expresses by screaming doesn't get considered.

You can keep it on yourself so you don't further the argument with her. Just say something like, "I don't want to be talked to like that." or "I won't be screamed at." and just stop engaging. You don't have to walk away necessarily (sometimes that can be a bit too dramatic and adds the element of the chase :-P) but just stop talking and carry on with your day. Then be open to talking to her when she approaches your more appropriately later.

Hope this helps.

T.

Life is such that we cannot expect to succeed by academic intelligence alone. Emotional intelligence is vital and you can most definitely help your daughter here.

Your daughter's emotions should be accepted but her misbehavior, or acting out should not. You are on the right track to inform her that you understand her frustration or anger, but there will be a consequence for raising her voice or having a "hissy fit". Loss of privileges is a good idea. You as her parent would know what would have the greatest impact on your daughter to "learn the lesson". That said... even though it is expected that kids are respectful, I like to acknowlege their good efforts... so when you see your daughter succeeding in managing her frustration or anger, make sure you let her know how proud you are of her success. Positve feedback is a powerful motivator.

When your daughter is calm and receptive, let her know that there will be some new rules of engagement in your household. Both you and your husband can be present toconvey them. Let your daughter know that she is old enough to make choices and that she alone will bear the consequence or reward of these choices. You love her, but you are the parent and do not need her approval for your parenting decisions. That said, it is so very normal for her to resist you as she asserts her impending independence. So rest assured your daughter is a great, normal kid!

So in a nutshell, your daughter has a right to feel angry or frustrated but she must learn the concept of choice and how she will manage these emotions. She is able to control the circumstances and you as a parent will be the enforcer of the household rules and value system.

Best of luck!

K. Joshi

I think you have gotten some good advice so far but I will just add my 2 cents worth.

Since our daughters were very young (they are now 13 and 16) were have always told them that they can respectfully question our decisions. Some times as parents it is just easier to say know than to listen to all of the details. Let's face it we would not like to be treated that way neither do they. Sometimes we don't have all of the details or we are just tired when we answer them. If our girls think that we didn't give them fair consideration, they can come and talk to us and ask us about our concerns or to give us more details. We are willing to listen to them. However if they start whining, eye rolling, door slamming, etc., the answer is always "Asked, answered, end of discussion." They also know that the final decision is ours as the parent. As the parents you and your husband have to be willing to really listen to her proposals to see if you did just answer without considering everything or if there is a compromise that can be agreed upon or if the answer to remain no.

This is a life skill that she needs to learn because it is something that she will use in her school life, career life, and her personal life. She has to learn that her opinion deserves to be heard and respected but that will only happen if she learns how to present her opinions properly.

Also tried to remember that she is at an age where her hormones are probably going wacky on her. Emotionally she is probably up and down so many times in one day that she can't even keep track of it. Right now she is at that time of life where one minute she wants to be your baby girl and you took care of everything to two minutes later you are the stupidest people on the face of the earth and she knows everything. Having gone through it twice, it does get better. Both of my girls are a lot of fun to be around now but from about 10-12 I wasn't sure we were all going to be alive for the teenage years.

Give her lots of hugs and keep filling her emotional bank account. She really needs you now even if she acts like she doesn't.

I would simply stop her as soon as she starts yelling at you. My parents never allowed us to yell at them. When we got to the point when we were yelling they would tell us that the discussion would NOT continue until we could disucss it like normal people. It was annoying as a teen...but they were right. We were NOT productive at all if we were just yelling.

My parents would say they were going to tell me their point of view, advice, opinion, whatever and I was to sit quietly and listen. Then I could give my view and they would sit quietly and listen. And we would go back and forth not interrupting or yelling until we reached some resolve.

If we yelled or were dispresctful...we got grounded. plain and simple. Sent to our room, losing privledges, etc.
Good luck!

I agree with Carrie and Shannon, but want to add that maybe you can talk to your daughter about what it means to be a grown up. I remember dying to be older at that age. Talk to her about how you would like to treat her more like a grown up, but that she is still acting like a small child. Explain (when things are calm), that if she acts more like a grown up (no more fits, screaming, disrespect, etc.) that you and your husband will begin to give her more grown up privileges. Tweens are SUCH an awkward age...may I suggest the two of you watching the movie "Now and Then" (you may want to preview first as I don't know you're thoughts on movies). It is about 4 girls growing up in the 70s, but is so relevant for a girl today. (Plus they talk about boys, puberty, etc. so it is a great way to discuss those things easily with your daughter afterward.) My mom and I watched it together when I was about her age, and I think it helped she and I a lot! Good luck!

Ah yes, the puberty years, such fun. First I'll tell you that it does eventually get better - my daugter will be 15 soon, and 14 has been such an improvement from the previous couple of years.
We did go through that period where she was quite stubborn about what she wanted and not allowing her whatever it was made her feel that we "weren't listening" and "didn't understand." She would make up her mind about things being a certain way, and she wouldn't consider any other alternatives - and end up very disappointed when things didn't go her way.
First - what is it that she is arguing about? If it's about schoolwork, household rules, things that you are or aren't allowing her, you do need to get your point across. Make sure that that when she's asking about something like this, that you are repeating back to her what she's saying, so that she hears that you're hearing her! If she starts the arguing or hysterics, walk away and say, "discussion over." Let her know, after she's calmed, that you'll only have mature discussions with her when she is acting like a mature young lady.
If what she's arguing about are things that are not important, don't step into the argument, even if you know she is wrong. If the info she's wrong about wont' affect her any, don't bother trying to correct the misinterpretation. With certain non essential things, I just let my daughter find out eventually on her own that things aren't as she thought. Not every moment must be a teachable one.
Good luck

Your daughter sounds exactly like mine, also 11. I have done what Carrie and Shannon advise and it does NOT work. She only hears the negative of your comments. I am trying to get her into counseling to help her understand how to interact with us as a family. She is great with others but in the family she just reacts like this. One thing that has worked a bit is talking ot her when she is not upset about something. A social worker has helped a little bit in getting some clues to her. When I get home and I am busy trying to get dinner together, she would come to me and complain and yell. When I cannot talk to her or she gets upset, I put up my hand and she has to go to her room for 5 minutes and then come back to see if it is okay to talk. This has helped a bit in getting her to realize that she is getting overworked. That is what I have called it. One thing I have tried really hard to do is make time that she can just talk or show me something she is working on-she likes to create books and draw. This way she feels valued. I also try not to react negatively to when she tries to tell me something, or starts yelling. It is hard not to get frustrated and yell back when yuor child won;t stop yelling at you but it can be done. It takes work. You and your husband have to work together so you both react positively to her and she needs to understand that you make the rules but she should let you know CALMLY that she thinks it needs to be changed or whatever. then you can discuss this. When we do this at home, I see positive reactions from my daughter. As for punishment, she loses her "toys" (electronics) or time with friends when she refuses to cooperate with us.

Maybe try telling her that you and her father need time to think about the situation, but while you and he think about it, ask her to write out the situation using the pros vs. cons. Now, even if you and her father already decided the answer is no...be prepared to have your own pro vs con list to help. Then before the "debate" begins, explain that if at any time she starts acting like a baby(crying, yelling, etc) the debate ends, and she can sit in her room until she calms down. Explain that the debates are a way for her to make her point as an adult, and in that same respect, it's your way of explaining your reasoning. She is now at that age where "because I said so" are the 4 words that start world war. Yes, your the parent and what you say goes, but this will make her feel heard. Plus, you might actually see something you didn't before making your decision.

Ex.(hers)
Pro vs Con-Going to the mall w/just my friends(no parents)
pro-all the other kids are
pro-i'll finally be cool
pro-cute boys

con-no extra money once mine is gone
con-need a ride to/from mall
con-older boys

Pro vs Con(yours)
Pro-Get 2 minutes of "relax" time
Pro-Daughter socially active
Pro-Daughter still speaking to us

Con-2 minutes followed by shear panic thoughts of "what if"
Con-Is daughter socially active with right group?
Con-Older boys-need I say more?

Check out the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081.... I think you'll be impressed with the possibilities.

I must take issue with some of the advice you've received so far. I know it's common practice in some circles to speak disrespectfully to our children when we are unhappy with their behavior, but in the long run, it doesn't teach them how to speak respectfully to us or other people. Or eventually, to their own children. I applaud your wish to be respectful of your child.

I agree that the yelling is not acceptable.
You can let her know when she starts to yell it turns you off. Also nobody listens to a "yeller". "Just because you can yell the loudest does not make you right."

What you want to do is make talking openly with each other a "safe place". It is not a competition situation and also not a "preaching t time".

Come to an agreement that you will share ideas in normal voices.. Also it is ok to disagree.

This is what struck me..
"My problem is that I want her to feel heard and to feel that we do value her opinion but I also want her to understand that we are the parents and what we say goes."

That sounds like ok she can say what ever, but we already know what she has to do it does not matter what she has to say about it. I am sure you do not mean this, but it does not give your daughter much of a chance to make her request, point or ideas without already feeling like there is no way to "win" with you guys.

You are her parents and know what is best for her, but she is also "smart and talented" so hear her. out. Listen to her ideas and see if sometimes you can budge a little.. Give her credit.. "Wow, you have really thought this out, here are our concerns." Talking calmly and letting her know.. "We are not mad at you. We want to hear what you have to say. Take a breath, you do not have to yell."

You just need to learn how to talk with each other not AT each other.
Remember she is a teenager, She is emotional, passionate and smart. Don't take that away from her, help her to use it properly.

**(adding this):
This is a real tight-rope age. Because, although they are testy... if a teen does not feel that they can express themselves at home, with their parents... they will seek to do so outside the home. Ideally, it is at home with their parents, where a teen/child should feel they can talk about their problems-feelings-hopes-dreams-ideas... if they feel they cannot do this with their parents, they will shut-down and shut you out. This is not good.
Even if it is just for "venting" a teen or child, should feel they CAN do so, safely, with their parents. My sister... went through a period where she just SHUT out my parents... and refused to tell them anything. As a teen. Because she felt, they were always against her. (not true, but that is what she felt).
For you/Hubby: the "problem" is her talking back etc.
For HER: the "problem" is that you both don't listen to her nor 'hear' her.
Two different problems. And she is stubborn. My sister was like that too.
Teach her, how to have a conversation... IF she wants a dialogue and to be heard (you really have to show her that you hear her), then she has to act like a big girl and with maturity... so that you ALL can converse, and all having a chance to have OPEN dialogue about any subject. That means... her not yelling or having a melt-down... and you both validating her but showing her that as parents, you also have thoughts too.... and discuss it. Not a yes/no debate. And she has to learn to compromise...
A 12 year old does not even have full brain development yet. A brain, is not fully developed until 26-27 years old.

Oh boy, what an age huh?
If you look online, about "tweens", there are many article about them and their development. Maybe that will help.

I remember my sister being that way. Butting heads with my parents all the time. Not easy for the parent either.
But, school/grades were always priority. But social outlets are important too. Its part of growing up.

A kid this age, wants to be heard as you said... and not talked down to. They have SO many ideas/feelings... and sometimes, just validating them will help, even if you disagree.

There is a book called: "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk" which is real good, even for adults. You can find it on Amazon.

Also, perhaps having regular monthly or semi-monthly family "meetings" with her, might help her feel a part of the process. Making the "meetings" interactive, allowing her to voice her feelings/thoughts... and how you/Hubby feel and just for you all to talk about what is going on for the month/week, and what expectations there are and what needs you/Hubby have too. My parents did that and its pretty cool. It makes the family centered and so everyone knows what is going on. Touching base, amidst all the busy-ness. We do that with my kids too.

The kid, has to learn what it is to be a PART of a family... not against it.
And, how to converse. How to have a conversation... not yelling. Tell her she needs to learn how to CONVERSE..... and that means allowing both sides to express themselves.. .and her too. It is a discussion. And if she wants progress... and to have her feelings heard, she needs to understand that it is a 2-way street, of both sides being "heard."
She just wants validation... perhaps being acknowledged that she has good ideas/thoughts.. but that does not mean she can just do anything she wants. But that you will hear her out.

All the best,
Susan

Check out www.oneweekparentingmiracle.com. This is a program specifically developed for pre-adolescent kids. I've done some in-depth training on this program, and I really like it. It helps parents focus on the positives (positive reinforcement) and when the kids talk back, it has a system for discipline in a loving but firm way. If you're consistant, it works wonders. I use this program with my two children, and although they're very young, they have responded very well. The point of the program is to help kids develop a higher level of maturity about right and wrong, so they can learn to eventually govern themselves in responsible way. I hope this will help you!

E.

You can talk to her until you are blue in the face and it won't make any amount of difference! Toughen up and start being parents instead of "best friends" with your daughter! She probably has enough of those. It's time she learned that there are consequences for her actions. Ground her from everything if you have to. She's not old enough to understand adult thinking...that comes with age and maturity. She has to understand that she is the child and you are the parents. If she doesn't like your decision...TOUGH!! In fact, go and buy a book called "TOUGH LOVE". It's a very good book.

Being disrespectful to my parents was not an option - we either were snacked across the face or grounded. I had my fair share of both, and I was a really good kid all things considered.

My only advice is to lay the ground rules and to be really firm in enforcing them. I think it's OK to have a friendship with your daughter, for her to trust you when she really needs you, but she needs to understand you're the Mom, and she's to obide by your rules.

Easier said than done.

I'd also suggest making a scheduled date with her to get to know her better and to widen the discussion into other areas so you understand each other better. Talk a walk once/week, go to lunch every other Saturday, etc. Spend time together and see if that helps her open the lines of communications.

She continues to do it b/c it works for her. We wrestle with consequences too, and there has to be some for yelling, rude behavior. Wimpy consequences won't make the point. Something that is really important to her will get her attention.

Make sure ALL yelling at home is reduced. My husband is a yeller (and so is his father)---we are still working on that with my hubby. His yelling leads to others yelling.

Second the "Love and Logic" approach. Dr. Jim Fay does a great job helping with every stage of childhood. There are books, and DVD's and seminars.

Come up with a plan and sit down when all are cool headed and discuss the plan with her. (We have signed contracts in the past at our house. And everyone signs and gets a copy of it.)

"Love & Logic" a theory(book, classes, system) used to give the child choices to help her grow up and follow the rules. Don't follow the rules, your choice, take the consequence. Both parents have to be on the same page without one giving in though.

Granted my daughter is only just shy of 5 now but she was born stubborn so I can understand your position. :)

I know what you mean by wanting to be able to talk things out while also being respectful. What I do with my daughter now is when she starts to have a tantrum because she is mad at me I tell her she has to go to her room until she can talk to me calmly. When she has settled down either she'll come to me (or sometimes I'll go to her) and we discuss what the actual problem is in a calm, rational manner.

This way she both learns that I will give her the opportunity to be heard but I will not tolerate being yelled at or treated disrespectfully.

She's probably at a very rebellious time in her age, or she's copying what she sees her other friends doing to their parents. I did that in high school (yelled at my mom, but that's what I saw my friend do to her mom).

I read a GREAT book a while back about how to understand my husband and love him the way men want to be loved (titled For Women Only). The same author has one for the men to read (titled For Men Only) and I noticed the other day she has one titled FOR PARENTS ONLY. Author is Shaunti Feldhahn and she is a christian author. The book I read was a very quick read and very simple. Perhaps the Parent's Only book is at your local library. Here's a link off Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Parents-Only-Getting-Inside-Head/dp...

Good luck. Hang in there.

When my 11 yo son went through this he would yell something like- "you are not listening to me". I would say "yes I am. You said .... . But, my opinion and reality are different from yours. This is what is going to happen.... "

You have to let her know that her over the top reactions are not acceptable. Tell her you can talk about it later when she has calmed down and walk away.

The one thing I will not put up with is disrespect. Talking back is a form of disrespect. Take privilages away and make her earn them back.

Good Luck

IDK? I do think that as soon as she says something rude or yells you should immediately respond with a serious "Hey! That's enough MOUTH!" or something similar (however you guys talk). You should bring it to her attention EVERY TIME she is mouthy or disrespectful...sometimes if you let things go the lines get blurred and kids mistake our silence for approval. Make sure SHE hears YOU and get an acknowledgment from her..."Do you hear me?"..."Yes mother!" and then leave it at that...but do it EVERY TIME.

I completely get what you are saying about wanting her to feel as if you are listening/hearing what she has to say and feeling as if her opinions matter......but she has to learn that there is a right way to speak to you (and other adults) and a WRONG way.

If this tactic does not help...and I am assuming she might have to be reminded several times, if this has progressed into a real issue...but if you get a "Yes Mom, I hear you, Sorry" then staying on top of it and bringing it to her attention might bring her back down to reality (this would be most useful if dad and you both stay on top of her about it) and eventually it should work itself out and she will understand what is acceptable BUT if this doesn't work it might be time to bust out with a "signature mother move" (as I like to call them, my mom used to dump everything in the middle of our room if we didn't clean up our rooms, yikes! You don't want to be cleaning that up very often...I mean everything from our room too!) like taking away anything and everything she has available to her to communicate w/her friends, cell phone, computer, playtime, house phone, etc) until she can talk to her parents with respect she won't be talking to any of her friends? Something big, kinda drastic to make her wake up and think about it!

I truly believe that if you lay down the law, especially if you have any kind of good relationship w/your child, that the child will understand and "get it"...it might take a minute for them to understand you are serious, consistency is the key, but that's what kids do...push the boundaries...it's normal. It's your job to show them exactly where their boundaries are.

Anyway, that is what is natural and logical to me.

Awesome answers ladies. Wish I had heard this stuff when my now 20 year old was this age. I try to remind myself now with our 14 year old that she may look like an adult but in all reality she is still a little girl. Such a tough time for them (as Im sure all you moms remember). Your not grown up yet but your not a little girl anymore either. Bless their hearts, such a confusing set of years. Your doing good and the ladies below offered awesome advice.

One thing that I did with my teen was that every time she screamed or said NO on something I told her to do, she got the same answer next time she asked for something from me. I told her this would happen and when it did she knew ahead of time that it would. It did not take long for her to catch on;.

simply say " you dont talk to people like that, go to your room". (twenty mins, you decide) then constantly have the conversation each time about how she should treat people and if she is feeling that frustraited to say " i will be right back" go calm down then come back to state her point of view. but absoulty do not let her yell at you or the father.

It's called harmones. Everyone goes thru this stage at one time or another. I always told my kids to go to their room until they felt like they could carry on a normal conversation. (Some days they would spend A LOT of time in their rooms but, back then, there wasn't a tv, computer or video game in every room!) Stick to your guns & try to be patient. Trying to carry on a sane conversation when they're "in a mood" will do no good for anyone. They won't hear what you're REALLY saying just what they want to hear and you'll probably get a headache from the noise produced by the tantrum. (remembr the "terrible 2's?) This too, will pass & another stage will come along to drive you nuts. Best of luck to you

A tantrum is a tantrum at any age. She's yelling and being disrespectful? How about a 15 minute earlier bed time? How about loss of phone or TV or computer for 24 hours until she can learn to talk to you without yelling at you?

http://www.empoweringparents.com/

Great tips there.