My sixteen year old babysitter recently confided in me that her stepfather was making inappropriate comments to her. He text messages her constantly with innuendos and advances. She hates to be alone with him because she doesn't know how to react to the things he says. She believes that he would act on his words if she ever gave him the chance. I advised her to tell her mom what was going on. It's taken her a long time, but last night she finally told her mom. Her mom sat them both down and confronted him in front of her. He didn't deny his actions, but blamed his behavior on the mom's lack of attention to him. She told him he needed counseling and left it at that. Now the situation at home is extremely awkward, and I'm concerned about the possible repercussions. I really thought that when her mom found out that she would leave her husband or ask him to move out until she figured out what to do. I worry what else this man is capable of. Does anyone have any experience or advice on the situation? Should I tell her to inform her school counselor about this? Do they have to report it to the police, even if there's been no contact? I should mention that he has two daughters of his own with this woman, but my sitter doesn't think he would ever do anything to his own kids. I would appreciate any advice from someone who deals with this sort of thing. I'd like to be able to give her some references and information about her situation, so that she'll know what to do if things get worse. Thank you in advance for your help!
Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I suggested she come stay with me for a while, and give her mom some time to think about what to do. She left her house upset, and her mom ended up calling the police. Since she told her mom where she was going and gave her my number so that she could reach me, the police told her that she wasn't a runaway. They did speak with my sitter, and she told them about her stepfather. Coincidentally, the cop was in the child abuse division (or something like that) and apparently he gave her mom an earful because the next thing I knew she was apartment hunting! I guess she asked my sitter if it was ok if the SF got an apt in the same complex, so that he could see his daughters! She plans on moving back in with him when my sitter starts college (she's graduating early) next semester! I'm appalled that this lady doesn't see the damage she is doing, and even more sickened by the repeated excuses she's making for the SF's behavior. I'm just glad my sitter will be away from him. So, that's where we're at now. I hope this lady comes to her senses, and learns to put her children first. I'm grateful for all your helpful advice, and that ya'll didn't think I was merely being meddlesome.
I think that this definitely needs to be reported to the authorities - to the school, a minister, anyone they would allow to be contacted. That man should not be around her. If he readily admitted it and is blaming someone else, then he is sick. You could go on-line to RAINN.org (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) to see what can be done - it is free.
My stepfather was inappropriate with me. I told my best friend and her mom worked at the school, her mom was required by law to tell the authorities. We did state mandated counseling and when it was over my mother moved him back into our home. Eventually he made her choose between him and me, she chose him.
I don't know the people involved or what the next/best step is to take, but I can tell you that she chose you and she is going to need you. Listen to her, believe her, be there for her. Let her know that you and your home are a safe place for her.
Hi,
I agree with all the other women, tell her to talk to her school councelor, they will hopefully know what steps to take. If not, you go somewhere else. One thing, I would ask the girl first if she has any family here that she trusts or could go to. I ask because what if something does happen and she is removed from the home? I know kids are supposed to go through the system but I have known of cases where they let other family members take the kid(s). I would make sure she has her dad or other family here that she would go to. By no means do I think she should stay in this situation, her mother is selfish and neglectful but I just want you two to be prepared.
You are a kind lady to help this girl. By her mom not kicking that disgusting man out, she is basically telling her daughter he is more important. I have many issues with my stepdad none are of a sexual nature but bad in other ways, my mom has always chose him. I am 30 years old, she is still choosing him no matter what he does and I am still affected by it. Parents just don't realize their how important their roles are. They are responsible for what kind of person their child turns out to be and that should be taken very seriously.
I am very narrow minded when it comes to parenting. I feel very strong about what a parents role is. 'Bad parenting' is what is mostly wrong with our society. Children are raised without love, caring and guidance then released into our community and have no idea how to function properly because of their lack of stability while growing up. My heart just breaks every time I hear of a child being neglected. May God Bless you for trying to help this child. It's small efforts like this that change our world.
I don't have an answer but, I was molested several of times when I was a young girl and one was my stepfather. When I told my mom, she did not believe me and stayed with her husband. Now that I’m getting ready to get married and my daughter is 19, my guards are put up and I don't know what to do. I did tell other authorities, but no one told anyone. I wish is could help you, but I’m haunted by my past and I’m 45 years old now. So can you help me on what to do, before I get married?
This is definitely a situation not to be taken lightly. She TRUSTS YOU and that is HUGE! I am not sure there is anything the Police can do at this point, legally. I would talk to her about going to her school counselor. I do feel her couselor at school SHOULD know and should also know better what to do from here. Maybe you could also offer to go with her to the school couselor. She may feel a lot more comfortable and validated if you are with her. Just a thought!
Also, My biggest advice to anyone would be to Pray to our Father in Heaven and ask Him for Guidance in this situation and take the time to open your heart and listen. I promise ~ He WILL hear your prayers and he will help you to know exactly what to do. God is Real and the Power of Prayer is Real!
I imagine you must be an amazing person yourself S., for a 16 year old to confide in you with such information. You are in her life for a reason.
God be with you to help this young girl. My prayers are with you!
Hi S.,
First, I want to applaud you for looking out for your babysitter. A lot of people would turn a blind eye because they didn't want to get involved. I've been a teacher for 9 years... if a student reported this to me, I am required by law to report it to CPS (Child Protective Services). You can make an anonymous call (or non-anonymous) - but if you don't feel comfortable making the call, have her talk to a teacher or counselor at school. They are all required by law to report ANYTHING suspicious... there doesn't have to be any contact.
Thank God you are looking out for this child while her mother surely is not. While she may seem quite grown up - she is still a child at 16! Has this man ever watched that Dateline NBC show "To Catch a Predator" - those men are arrested for exactly what he's doing!
Good luck - I know this must be a difficult situation for you. Is there somewhere your babysitter can stay (with other family members) until her mother comes to her senses? I agree that it's not safe for her to be in that home.
Keep us updated!
-D.
I was 11 when my stepfather first held me down and forced me to kiss him. I had just moved in with my Mom and him after leaving a physically abusive home life with my stepmother and father who didn't protect me from it. I told my mother the next day and was told me not to ever say anything like that again and that he wouldn't do anything bad. Until I was 17, I had to endure waking up with him in my room with his hands on me, him cornering me in the house and drooling (literally) and awful comments about how I needed to make my body more beautfiul (offering me a boob job at 14). As irrelevant as these things sound, they created far more damage than I thought possible. I'm 38 and just entered counseling since I've not been able to have a normal relationship with a man if sex is involved. A dark cloud seems to sit over me when intimacy presents itself. I have an amazing boyfriend that wants to marry me and is willing to do the hard work with me to get me healthy again. Every man before him left when things got tough which created a very skewed version of 'normal.' Moms, all I can ask is that you PLEASE listen to your daughter and take what she says very seriously. Remove the threat (the male figure creating this fear and conflict) until a solution is reached. LISTEN to your daughter and protect her. Please understand that inaction will have lifelong consequences for your daughter unless she has a support system willing to help her and see her through the very tough road of healing and knowing what a healthy and appropriate relationship looks like. I can promise you that an unhealthy and inappropriate relationship between a parent and child will create deep scars and will very incorrectly shape her fundamental behavioral 'map' resulting in perpetual unhealthy behavior. I can't stress this enough.
this should absolutely be reported!!! how lucky this girl is to have you.
Hi S.,
What a sad situtation. She should tell her school counselor immediately and he or she should know the proper steps to take to ensure her safety. I just want to say you are her point of adult trust right now. Mom is obviously not a person she can trust!!! Children should always seek help in such a situtation, until someone listens. The fact she confided in you, says a lot. She's lucky to have you in her life, and I'm glad you're following through and not letting her down.
God bless you!
Barb
I know you are concerned but it is up to the Mother if she wants to involve the Police or anyone else for that matter.
You can be there to help listen to the girl or the Mother but the Parents need to work out the situation and figure out what they are going to do.
I think that both Parents of this situation should go to Counseling together and just not him. It sounds like there are problems in their marriage that needs worked on and worked out.
Also, you don't know what the full situation is at home and what is really going on.
Be supportive but I would not get involved with the Police or School Counseler's. If things don't get worked out between the 2 parents then the Mother needs to leave the situation.
By bring it to his attention that the Mother knows what is going on, the Father won't try anything again but should seek help. Both Parents needs counseling.
HI S.,
I would like to point out a small thing noone else has mentioned. When the SF was confronted he put the blame on the mother... That is a very typical dysfunctional response. I would also talk with her about her options, can she go live with her dad? are her grandparents around? Too bad the mom does not seem to recognize the story but there may be alot more to it.
The SF has now learned though that he can carry it this far and not lose too much, so he may be thinking he can take it further with her.
IT really isn't fair for a 16 yo to not feel safe and protected in her own home.
Good Luck,
C. Willis
www.MyHomeCottageBiz.com
Supplemental Income Ideas for Families.
Have her tell the school they will call the police. I am surprised the mother did not kick him out she is not protecting her daughter. This man will eventually try to do something to this girl. The police or cps need to be notified and jolt this mother. Someone needs to talk with the mother and make her realize she is choosing him over her daughter
Hi there, what a horrible situation! And the fact that he admitted what he did and the mother only said get counseling is absurd! Just because he hasn't physically done anything doesn't mean anything, he is still emotionally abusing her and no one is to say if or when he will actually act on it. This type of stuff is what potentially ruins young girls lives, and I can't even comprehend the actions of the mother. She needs to report this to someone because the man is sick and obviously abusive. My prayers are with her, how brave or her to tell you and then also confront him with her mother. I also pray the mother will see the light and look into her daughters eyes and realize that nothing in the world is worth her daughters saftey and future!
I wish the best for your sitter, her sisters, and you through this horrible situation!
