*** Two edits added in response to some comments/questions ***
Some background:
My father-in-law recently left his wife of 40+ years to start a new life with a 20-something-year-old girl he met online in a sex chat room. It was a long-term two year affair that he only recently came clean about. Besides telling her, he broke the news to his two grown kids (one of whom is my husband) and other family. I am so torn up about the deceit, the hurt, the shock and the heartbreak that my mother-in-law is experiencing, and I can tell it's affecting my husband and his brother in a bad way.
My in-laws were due to arrive in the U.S. to spend with us and the baby for the summer, but my FIL decided to change his travel plans to go to the girl's country to pick up her stuff so they could move into a new apartment together. My in-laws now live in different cities but in the same country. This winter, we are going abroad to their country. The majority of our time there will be spent with Grandma, but my husband says he will make some effort to see his father over dinner or something. Personally I do not feel ready to see my FIL, or meet his new partner, and my husband is respectful of my wish to not join in.
But what about baby? As mama-bear, I have this fierce -- sometimes irrational -- urge to protect my 1-year-old from everything... broken glass, high fructose corn syrup, you name it! And that list of things to protect my baby from includes nasty people. My husband doesn't feel comfortable bringing baby to his grandpa yet, so we are on the same page about that. Eventually though, we want to give our child a chance to decide for himself whom he does or does not associate with. That would be ideal, but at age 1, he's too young to say one way or another.
On the one hand, I think, what is the worst possible thing grandpa could do to a 1-year-old, right? It's not like my kid will suddenly turn into an immoral character from mere exposure to his grandfather. ***EDITED: And yes, I agree that keeping the kid from his grandpa could be interpreted as an extremely harsh, selfish and immature response, and I agree it would be too extreme if we cut off 100% contact between grandson and grandpa forever. That's why my husband and I are trying to figure out how NOT to do that, but still be true to ourselves and our baby. As I wrote in my original post, my husband and I are trying to _reason out_ how best to proceed, post-December 2011. ***
On the other hand, bringing baby to bond with his grandpa might send the wrong message, that we are validating grandpa's new life and his "family values".
Question:
If you were in our situation, what considerations would go into your decision-making for the baby and his grandpa? (I'm not just referring to the holiday visit, but future interactions, such as phone calls, videochats, and face-to-face visits.) ***EDITED: My husband doesn't have a clear opinion about it any more than I do about how to deal with this situation fairly, and while I could leave the decision up to my husband completely, he wants my input too because, as he keeps reminding me, I'm the kid's other parent.***
wait & see how you feel by travel time....don't dwell on it until then.
Life changes, it's not written in stone....
To be honest I am confused about the whole question. Yes, there are hurt feeling for grandma. Yes, he had an affair and ended up finally being honest and moving out and on with his life. But what I don't understand is why you would not still love him and count him as part of the family.
He didn't go about it the right way of course, he should have got a divorce first then introduced his lady friend to everyone after a respectful time but still, not associating or letting the baby see him because it would "validate" his new life is the part I don't understand. Don't you have friends who have divorced and then remarried? It happens every day.
I think that the family is in shock and of course they are hurt and angry with the father but to cut him out of their lives is way overboard, they need time to dull the pain but he is still their father.
I'm sure everyone in the family is hurt by your father-in-law and your loyalty is with your mother-in-law. But my question to you: Is there any other reason why a one-year-old shouldn't be around his grandfather? Are there redeaming qualities about this man? What I've experienced is that the relationship between grandparent and grandchild has very little to do with other people's relationship. (IE) My grandmother and I were close, but she was a different person with me that she was with my mom. I'm glad my mom allowed me the time with my grandmother but by that point my grandmother had stopped drinking and bringing strange men around. If the grandfather is dangerous, that's one thing, but if its a matter of what he's done, then that is the family's issue (a big one - I don't want to take anything away from that!!!) but it is not the child's issue. I'm not saying one way or the other, just more input.
The baby is one. He has no idea and won't for many years about what his grandpa has done. As upsetting as you find it, it's not like he committed a felony or is an addict or child abuser or molester. If your husband is going to have a relationship with him, then his son might as well too. This is the sort of thing people tend to regret when it's too late. Sorry -not sure what you wanted to hear, but a one year old is not going to be corrupted by this man or look at anything like you condone what he did.
It certainly sounds like he cheated and went about ending his marriage in a bad way, but remember, you really have no idea what his marriage was
truly like or how miserable he may have been. He's your FIL and your child's grandfather no matter what, so if your husband is going to have a relationship, you should probably let it go sooner than later. It doesn't sound like you'll see him a lot anyway. I would certainly send pics and let him Skype and call with your child - it's his grandfather.
I would allow baby to see grandpa, even in this situation. He made a bad move in his love life that affected a lot of people, that doesn't mean he is going to be an uncaring grandfather or father, or that he is a monster of a person in all other areas of his life. It would be sad to take away a grandfather figure over this for your son. I tend to agree with another mom that said it is a spiteful and mean move, and very immature.
Here is my opinion, and I know a lot of mom's out there are gonna think I'm a witch....Despite the fact that you disapprove of what happened to your MIL, this type of thing happens every single day. Hopefully in time, your MIL's wounds will heal and they will be able to continue a somewhat civil relationship in the future for the sake of their children/grandchildren.
I personally think that withholding a grandchild from his grandfather is a cruel and immature thing to do. It will be many more years before your son can "decide" if he wants to visit his grandpa. By this time, it will be difficult to develop ties to a stranger.
Like it or not, your FIL is still your husband's father and deserves respect. When you refuse to see your FIL and prevent him from seeing your child, you are inadvertently punishing your husband and child. Was it a cruddy thing for your FIL to cheat and run off with a hussy that's closer to his son's age? You bet. Does it mean he is a terrible father and doesn't love his kids or grandson because he left the grandmother/mom? No.
I'm sorry, but the only message you are sending is that you are being selfish and immature and attempting to make this about yourself. Your husband will never be able to work through his grief and disappointment if you can't be supportive and positive. All boys need their dads, no matter how big they get.
I certainly understand that you & your husband are upset by your FIL's actions and decisions, but I just can't help but feeling that keeping his grandson from him is just plain mean and spiteful.
He lives out of the country and when will he see this baby next?
I'm sorry, but your FIL is a grown man, and while he has made some hurtful choices that affect his family, I just don't think intentionally keeping this child away is in any way a good idea. Especially, since your husband is going to visit him. Truthfully, I'm sure your FIL realizes everyone's hurt that he caused...no need to make a big stand.
Just my .02 cents.
When your son is old enough to realize that grandpa's girlfriend is young enough to be his cousin, then you can explain what has happened...
Well, your FIL is def a shitty husband. But that doesn't mean he's an equally shitty Grandpa, sigh. I guess I'd allow (but not work especially hard for) a relationship between Grandpa and the grandchild.
Both of my kids' Grandfathers passed away before my kids were born. And even though neither man was a model husband/father/citizen, it is STILL sad that they don't have a Grandpa.
:(
For now, since you're both on the same page about this first visit, let your hubby visit dad alone. Then, after some time, you will be able to think more clearly about it. Make a decision then.
I think this is your husbands decision. Whatever he feels he wants or needs to do, he should follow that.
Who knows what may come? What if this is the last time any of you ever see this man? At least your husband will not have regrets, because he was the one that made the decision.
Right now, with both you and your husband agreeing for your son not too meet your FIL, that's fine. Don't worry about the future yet. I would be very hurt if I was in your shoes, especially in your husband's and MIL's shoes. However, what type of father was he to your husband? He might be a very good grandfather, just sucks at a being a faithful husband. I know it's hard to see that, but could that be the case?
I would give yourself some time.
Let the child have Grandma time, lots of it.
Let your husband see his dad and let him be the one to decide whether the family will continue to see him.
If your husband is very angy at him and the dinner does not go well, then you don't have to do anything for or with grandpa.
He made his own bed, so to speak.
I have a very good friend who found out her husband had a 23 year affair. She knew the woman, the woman and her husband worked together. My friend's grown children will have nothing to do with the dad. And one has 2 kids.
My mom hated her father. He was an alcoholic when she was a child, and was abusive towards her and her sister. After my grandma left him and took the kids with her, he finally sobered up and became a better person. He went on to remarry, and have another child who he never lifted a finger toward. He went through a lot of trouble to re-initiate ties with my mom and her siblings, and my mom is the only one who couldn't forgive him.
I don't blame my mom for not forgiving him. What was between them was their problem... BUT she never allowed us to meet him. All of my cousins would come home from visiting him full of stories about him, (apparently, he was a great grandpa!) and I really resented that I wasn't allowed to see him. My aunt offered several times to be the one to take us to see him, and my mom always refused.
My grandpa died, and I only saw him 2 times in my life. I don't even remember the visits... I STILL wish I had been allowed to meet my grandpa, and been allowed to form my own opinions on the man. I STILL resent my mom for it.
-I realize that your situation is different, and that it's your FIL's current moral situation that is stopping you. BUT, it's like you said. A child as young as yours isn't going to be corrupted. By the time he's old enough to understand right vs wrong as far as relationships go, your FIL will either be in a committed relationship with this woman or she will be gone.
Another thing... this could be used as a great example of what NOT to do. I have always taken relationships MUCH more seriously than any of my peers, after watching my mom flit from man to man, cheating along the way. I was always horrified at the lifestyle she chose to live, and felt that she was missing out on so much of what a TRUE relationship could bring her. As long as you and your husband are setting a good example, and teach him what you think is morally right, I think it would be better if you allow them to know each other. Especially if you don't think your child is in any danger.
I know you have your own feelings about the matter, but what does your HUSBAND say?
I would, since this is your husband's father, let him decide when the time is right. And back up his choice.
You have got two good answers. You don't want FIL around baby and his own son doesn't want him to see the grandson. So visit with your mom and let father/son have a nice dinner somewhere.
There is nothing that says you have to introduce/expose your children to something/someone you don't want to. If they think its strange you are the mother and you are doing what you think is right.
Enjoy the holiday and the travel. Take in a beach or festival or museum of something.
The other S.
PS Do keep your personal thoughts to yourself. If asked then express them until then don't. Also don't let it eat you up and zap your energy.
I would go with your gut. If you feel your 1 year old shouldn't be around this man, don't bring your child around him. If not, then you could potentially introduce them as the trust and other feelings build back up again--but as in immediately?? NO. I wouldn't do it. I would only consider it if it had been a long time and he *(FIL) was making a huge effort to change. If no change--then no in my book. GL
M
That's a tough one...I would allow yourself and your husband to process the hurt and obviously support your MIL. Since you know nothing about this other woman and the FIL's behavior is pretty risky I certainly would never leave your child alone with him/them. At some point if grandpa wants to see your children go with what your husband wants but there is no reason you need to be close. Hugs to your MIL. that sucks.
My decision would of already been made because my husband is not comfortable with having your child at his fathers house. That is the deciding factor for me.
If it were your dad it would be different, but its your husbands dad, and if HE doesnt feel comfortable with it, and you yourself arent going to see him, then let your husband go see his father alone, work things out in whatever way they will and let him deal with it all.
If your husband decides later he wants your child to see his dad then so be it.
And honestly to me, it's the principle of the thing. Grandpa decided that instead of family being important he decided on what he wanted, with his own foolishness.
I'd send hubby to that dinner by himself.........
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if he was hiding that, then who knows what else shady he's doing. i ersonally wouldn't let my son see him, but that's me. i've been there too :(
I would have hubby go by himself right now. It could be that the new girl is a nut and your stepfather is has no judgement over the issue. It could be that dad is trying to act like a 20 year old again and is now going to act totally inapproperately.
I would have my husband do reconosance in the matter and then decide.
For now, as long as she is not around I would have the kids visit him. He needs to understand that you do not agree with what he has done to the family. I know eventually they will have to meet her, but I will wait until they have been together at least 2 yrs. Why subject your kids to this situation if you do not need to. No one knows if this would last.
Sounds to me like you have time to see what Grandpa does with his life. Skype could be a way down the road to have short face to face visits without actually seeing him in person. I think if your DH is opposed to his father being around your child right now, then let him take the lead. If and when he changes his mind, revisit the situation. For now, DH can tell his father that your child will not be visiting, and that is a mutual decision between you and DH. I think a lot of people missed the part where your husband does not want to bring the child to visit yet.
Friend of mine's dad remarried incredibly quickly (like within weeks) of her mother's passing and that and the new wife's behavior hurt friend deeply. It has taken a very long time for her to accept the woman as Grandma to her child and that was something she had to think long and hard about, many years after the wedding.
