My Son Cries Whenever Grandpa Comes Over

My daughter had a couple of men in the family that she acted afraid of as well. We finally determined that it was either the facial hair or the glasses. She was used to being around mostly women as well and I think was just more comfortable with that. She did eventually out grow it, but yes was difficult in the meantime.

I went through the exact same thing with my daughter. She loved Grandma but would cry and never go by grandpa. We were thinking maybe she was afraid of his facial hair because my husband doesn't have any and she wasn't used to seeing it. After turning a year, she just got over it on her own. So hang in there.

When my daughter was little, she was afraid of people with grey hair and men with facial hair. Does he have either of those? If so, I would expose her to more of whatever it is. However, I wouldn't force your son to sit with Grandpa or whatnot, that could really backfire and have him more upset in the long run.

My 8 month old has a similar reaction to my dad. He sees him about once a week and the same thing--comes on too strong. My little one is just starting to develop stranger anxiety, but it seems to be mainly with males, and my dad is the only one to push the issue. He is the same way too, too loud, too excited--he overstimulates him--for the same reason, he wants so badly for my son to love him. (and I think love him the most!) I just gently remind my dad that he's at that age, and if he's just patient he'll warm up throughout the day. I also just tell my dad that my son is just like my husband--he just loves the ladies (because he smiles and flirts with EVERY woman he sees young and old) but he's a little more hesitant with all men (other than Daddy--what little pals they are!!) Just remind your dad that it's a phase that all babies go through and to just be patient and by the time your son is a toddler they'll be little fishing buddies (or golfing or lawn-mowing or whatever! :))

Not sure if this fits your son or not but alot of babies small children are very frightened of men for some of the following reasons.

Strong deep voice
Mustaches/Beard facial hair
Glasses
They can just sense they're not calm/relaxed like woman

My 8-mo-boy does the same thing to my dad! He's a big guy with lots of gray facial hair... maybe that's scary to my little guy. At any rate, I find my guy does fine being held by grampa if he holds him facing away from him. If that still doesn't work, then take comfort in knowing your dad doesn't take it personal (mine tends to). Invite your dad over for lunch or supper, sometime when he's not coming over to sit for your little man, when you'll be there to. If you're stressed, your guy will feel that tension and you'll inadvertently stress the baby more. So carry on as you would normally as if it isn't a big issue and maybe he'll catch on. Also, try hugging your dad so your 8-mo sees that affection and maybe he'll catch on that grampa isn't such a scary guy! Best of luck.

I bet your husband isn't too loud or overly excited around your son. My daughter went through a time when she was an infant until she was about a year to a year and half that she hated all men and would cry if any would hold her without grandma or me in her eyesight. I think it was because they are a bit louder with their deep voices and deep laughs. Once she out grew that she became grandpa's girl and is very close to both her grandfathers even now at 25. One thing you don't want to do is to force him and not let your son control his comfort zone. If he is ok with grandpa outside, have grandpa spend time with him outside more then inside. Let him see that grandpa loves him and all is ok. Don't be stressed when he cries for grandpa, he will pick up on that and make it worse. Instead, comfort him and take him when he holds his hands out. Once he knows that grandpa isn't holding him hostage by holding him while he is screaming, he will begin to trust grandpa holding him more.

This is really common. It happend to us. I think if newborns don't see and smell the same people on a daily basis, they naturally will cry if they don't recognize someone. I think this is yet another way nature has built in a protection response for little ones.

Sometimes something as simple as glasses, a beard, or even him being a guy as others pointed out could also make the baby cry. It's nothing personal. The baby just doesn't know how to process the new information yet.

I know its tough to reassure Grandpa to not take it personally and to take it in stride. Try to reassure him, this is a natural response and the baby will outgrow this. Unfortunately, if Grandpa starts internalizing these feelings, he'll also start exuding tension around the baby which could further cause the baby to cry. If babies sense someone is uncomfortable, they're going to become uncomfortable and cry.

To reassure Grandpa, invite them to the house more often, and even if the baby cries, let him learn how to soothe him by rocking him, and saying sweet words. Let grandpa give the baby a bottle sometimes if the baby is bottle fed, or play a simple game on a play mat with stuffed toys. Peek a boo is always a good one. They need to bond, and that's how to do it. Before Grandpa realizes it, he'll be reliving his earlier days as a young dad. It'll all come back to him.

Would you force a relationship on your child if this person was not related? We teach our children to be wary of strangers and yet, we force them to say "hi" to our friends, neighbors and strangers who compliment them (for whatever reason)- people whom your child may not know as well as you do. At any rate, it is sort of a confusing message to our kids.
Children have a keen sixth sense and something in your dad does not appeal to your son. I have the same situation with my dad and his rough demeanor with my kids and I've stopped forcing it and my dad has gotten the hint. It hasn't helped my relationship with him as he blames me for the estrangement but then, I consider that he is immature if that is how he reacts to it.
Protect your son to the extent that you are around when he is around your dad. Your presence will comfort him and maybe give him extra confidence. Also, he is still quite young and probably experiences separation anxiety (even if it is specific to one person).
Try not to force it on him - if your dad is someone he is keen to know, it will happen as he grows. Hope that helps!

If your son is used to being around women all the time then another male will be very intimidating. Alot of babies are scared of men, maybe it's an instinctual thing that dates back to the stone age...who knows.

But if your son is used to soft spoken gentle ladies, then a load active personality will be too much for him.

My son likes some guys and is afraid of others. It's strange and I haven't figured out who he picks out as safe and why. But I find that the harder they try to get him to not be scared of him the more scared he gets. I just tell them that it will take him a while to warm up and sometimes he never does. He's still afraid of my brother and he's seen him many times. But my brother is big, burly and hairy. A bit like a teddy bear.

I would try and bring him over but maybe not so your Dad knows it's to get your used to him. Just go over for visits and play outside with Grandpa if that's when he's most comfortable.

Good luck!!

We went through this samething with Grandma (my mom) and our youngest daughter and my brother-in-law with our oldest daughter. It is very common. It is just frustrating above all else. Hang in there, now our 1 year old LOVES Grandma (it took until nearly 1) and our 5 year old LOVES Uncle Roger (that also took until 1- 1 and half).
One thing we did have to do for our youngest was to let go. We did need to leave her with my mom for a little while and that did help.

K., first of all you seem to be doing the right thing, sometimes kids have a preference of who they cling to, its ok, i think too, going to their house with you is a great idea, and you said it in your letter, when they both come over we all stress over it, since this situation is stressful for you as well, he may be picking up on that, if you are not comfortable with a situation neither are they, hang in there, he loves grandpa in a grandpa situation, like you said sitting on the swing reading, etc, let grandpa be that kind of grandpa, dont fret over it, and yah holding a screaming child continually till he quits is not going to help, if my kids were uncomfortable in a situation, i did not force it, i just gave them reassureance that they will be ok, kids go through phases where all they want is mommy or daddy, and not others, or pick one over the other , its ok its just a phase, and i like your idea of going over there, and what is grandpa going to do if you go over there, lock the door? just little visits might help, and you must ralize how grandpa is feeling too, he is frustrated, everyone wants to be liked by a cute little kid, you must show love to grandpa too? and he will? dont know the situation , but just do your best, and keep your little one smiling, and maybe make more grandpa reading time on the swing, grandpa will you comne over for 10 minutes and read to him ? little moves, take care, pray about it, and help both of them to get over each other, D. s

Just out of curiosity... does your Dad have a beard? My daughter did exactly the same thing when she was about the same age - but she reacted that way to any male with a beard. I'm just thinking because you said if he's in the swing and your Dad is pushing him (he maybe couldn't see him) then he's OK. If not a beard, maybe there is something else about his appearance that is frightening your son.

Anyway, I would think this would just be a phase and will pass - but it's tough on everybody for sure!

Good luck!

I think you need to put your foot down. Say, "Look, Dad, this is MY baby and I don't want him scared. I need you to be a grown-up and tone it down and be patient. If you can't do that, I'm sorry, but you won't be able to get close to my son."

Remember, this is your child and you are the MOM now. You are in charge, even if you are around your parents. It's not easy, but get used to it ;).

I know that that this is a few day late but I have to relate a story to all of you. My husband and I hadn't been to church for quite a few months because we had moved from one part of Minneapolis to another. While attending our Sunday service, I saw many of my old friends that I had grown up with and many friends who had moved into this area. One family that I knew, had grown quite a bit and during the service, the baby started raising a hugh and a cry and was taken out to the foyer by brothers and sisters to quite down. We were also out there because we didn't want to disturb those sitting at the door by us walking in. My hubby felt sorry for these young people and this crying baby so he asked if he could help. The kids knew who I was and I said that "He's ok" and they handed over the baby to him (at this time we didn't have children of our own yet). With in 10 minutes, the baby was quiet and asleep. At about this same time, the mother of the child looked up because there wasn't any more noise and say a stranger holding her child. She hadn't seen me yet, until I walked closer to my husband. Later, she told me that it was the first time that a total stranger had held her crying baby and was able to quiet her down in that short of time. I told her that my hubby was like a big comfortable teddy bear and had that affect on kids. Babies have a way of knowing when they're safe, when someone is non threatening. Give you son time to get used to your dad. It's not what he wears or how he smells that's making him cry but the fact that you father emitts such energy that it might be too overwhelming to your son. If your son excepts him while he's out side, that's a really big step and soon that will also be true inside the house. Just give him time and you'll find that grandpa and grandson will be like two peas in a pod.

If you're tense, then your baby will also pick that up.
I would just let your baby explore Grandpa on his own terms. Don't push the issue. Have Grandpa sit on the floor while he's playing and let your son make the 1st move.

Like so many others who have written, my 8-month-old boy does the same thing to both my dad and my husband's dad! Both grandpa's were very sensitive to this at first and would give my son to me to make him stop crying. As he sat in my lap in the presence of the grandpas, he he would stare them down. Eventually, he started smiling and laughing at them from the safety of mom's lap. They got a bigger kick out of the smiles than holding him anyway. Now when they visit, my son still takes a bit of time to warm up, but they know the routine and aren't sensative about it. The grandmas are even jeoulous of the interest my son takes in the grandpas!

I would have felt the same as you if my dad wanted to hold my son while he cryed. It would be hard on so many fronts: the baby's scared, I'd feel I needed to comfort him, and I'd feel so sad for my dad. Hopefully you can relay some of our stories to your dad and he'll feel that giving him time to warm up to him doesn't mean his grandson thinks any less of him, its completely normal and time and patience will make it better.

Good luck!
J.

What a difficult situation for you and your family. Two things come to my mind 1)you father wears a scent that is offensive and your son's insticts are to get away from it 2) your father is "too strong--too loud, or too excited". A 200 pound loud grandpa to a 21 pound infant is the same as a 800 pound growling bear to you or I.

If it is 2)-- It sounds like a situation that conditioning will work but the conditioning needs to be on your father's part, not your son. Unfortunatly, it sounds like your father doesn't want to work with the situation. Perhaps he is embarrassed or ashamed, that inhibits everyone from moving forward.

I really wouldn't push Grandpa on your baby. My sons were both a little scared of both my father and my father-in-law. I really think it's a little bit of stranger anxiety and just the fact that they're men. It was very confusing to me because my boys see my father-in-law on a weekly basis but, they always preferred Grandma to Grandpa. We didn't force our fathers or babies to get along. If one of our sons was upset, we let him leave Grandpa for a bit and told the baby, "It's alright... Grandpa is a nice man..." and we always apologized to "Grandpa" even though the situation was no one's fault. Now, my boys are 20 months and 3 1/2 years old... They both LOVE their Grandpas and we didn't do anything special to force the relationship. Anyway, if you and your dad take it easy, you both may find that your son wants to spend just as much time with Grandpa in the future. Good luck! Relationships with grandparents are such a special blessing!! :)

My first born son was scared of his grandma (my mother-in-law). She is like your dad and can be loud and over excited. It was hard because when my son would cry I would be holding him and trying to calm him down and she would be in his face, which only made him cry harder.

Here's what we did and it worked WONDERFUL!

I videotaped all the aunts and uncles (well most of them)reading a story and put it on a DVD. We seriously watched that DVD almost every day. And if I knew we were going to go up north to visit them we made sure we watched at least once if not more for the few days prior to leaving. It helped. He wasn't scared of grandma anymore. He was about the same age as your son at the time.

He was able to get used to their voices and their faces. He loved his Storytime DVD. It didn't take long for him to be okay with grandma after we did this DVD.

Hope this helps. I can't imagine how hard that is for you, your dad, and your son.

My daughter was terrified of my dad and brother for about the first year. Even as 3 day old baby she would clam up and scowl when my brother held her. I learned not to force it. I could tell my dad and brother were a little hurt but there was nothing anybody could really do. She's a little person but I realized I needed to respect that for some reason she was scared. We stopped trying to understand it. We just didn't push the issue. They would come in and say hi and blow her kisses from afar and she was fine with that. But let them come near her and the poor thing would hyperventilate. She's 3 now and loves her poppy and Uncle Dub. We honestly don't know what the heck it was that triggered these scared fits and we probably never will. But I am sure it will pass with your son. He's new to this world and still figuring things out. Things will fall into place eventually.

Hugs to you.

At this age babies do not like surprises. Anything that does something they don't expect, they will react negatively to. Your dad's booming voice and large gestures are new to your son every time he sees them. It is unfortunate that your dad doesn't understand that about babies because it will take a lot longer for your son to be comfortable with him if he doesn't soften his approach. Just remember that his reaction now doesn't mean he will never like grandpa. It is just the age that he is at that makes him more skittish around people that are new. If your dad would sit along side your son and play with him without trying to hold him, your son may respond better.

This isn't a solution, but I know tons of kids who prefer one gender over another--and sometimes it even has nothing to do with primary caregiver; a wonderful family from our church has four kids (and a SAHM) and the youngest girl adores daddy and most men...and won't go near women. My nephew's mother is not the most involved mommy and daddy does more with him; he wouldn't go near his aunts for almost 2 years and now he adores me and my SIL. It should go away with time, but I agree with you--don't force it or the fear will be worse.

Remind Grandpa not to take this personally because this is an 8 month-old baby who is just like all others his age and operates on the exact opposite of what we adults live by: nothing but raw, uninhibited emotion. Does Grandpa have facial hair (can look strange to a baby) or smoke (which causes unappealing odor) or something else out-of-the-ordinary? Besides that type of stuff, I think the thing to remember here is that YOU are in charge and it is up to you whether or not you are going to force intimacy between your son and his Grandpa. In my opinion, forcing intimacy between a baby/child and a relative is detrimental to the well-being of the child's social development. I think if the baby has an aversion to Grandpa, it will pass...as long as you let the baby have his way because what baby wants=what baby needs [it is not 'what Grandpa wants=what Grandpa needs']. Remind Grandpa that all babies have someone they "make strange" with and he just happens to be that someone for his Grandson lately and it will not last forever.

Hi, K.! I had the same problem with my twins when they were about your son's age. Whenever my dad would come over the boys would cry, didn't want to be held, etc. What we started doing is when my dad would come over, he would just say hi when he walked in the door, then we would just start talking, essentially just not making a big deal that he came over. After a few minutes (sometimes longer) they would come into the room we were in, and after a few times of doing that they would just crawl up to him, sit on the floor and stare at him, like they were trying to figure him out. It took a little while, but I can tell you that my boys now ask to go over to Papa's house almost every day, and if they don't see him during the week, we have to at least call him, he's their favorite man in the whole world (besides their dad, of course!).

My son did/ does the same thing with all males. We would see a man at Wal-Mart and he would start crying. At about 10 months it started to get better. After he turned one he started to cry around men again. His dad is not part of the picture so it is a little different. My dad also has the loud booming voice but is super gentle. He talks quieter around my baby and that seemed to work. I also let him warm up to him. After about 10 minutes of being at my parents house he just walks up to him and starts playing. This past weekend he followed my dad around the entire time we were at their house! It will get better you just have to let your son warm up to him on his own time! Good Luck!

My daughter was the same way with my brother-in-law, I think it had to do with his voice being louder than ours and he was very 'in your face' with her. It is so stressful and I can totally sympathize! We found out that in time, she just grew to be comfortable with him, by about a year old she was fine. Though it's tough, I'd suggest just keep plugging on and letting him see grandpa as much as possible and eventually they'll get along just fine!

My daugter did the same thing with the loud people in our life! She is finally getting over it so she doesn't cry but is still apprehensive at 15 mos. The more they are around them, the easier it will get. My daughter acts this way to my grandma, my husbands dad and a couple of others. The common theme is that they are up in her face and wanting to hold her the minute they see her. She just needs time to get used to them before they bombard her. Wouldn't anyone??

Old people can be scary to kids. They are so different in lots of ways to the people kids see everyday. I think it's a mistake to push the issue. Tell dad to take a chill-pill and give it time. Tell him to sit kind of off in the corner where your son can have his own space but that grandpa is accessible. Maybe grandpa can be playing with a cool toy or eating a neat treat and that might entice your son, but it needs to be on your sons terms or it will only reinforce the fears he has. It might take time, but it will work out much sooner if everyone just lets the bond develop naturally. Good luck.

I know this isn't quite the same as a Grandfather, but our daughter is 15 months old and sees our neighbor on a daily basis, but she is scared to death of him. If we are outside and he comes over to chat, she is like a stick of glue to our legs. She will even start crying and not look at him. We have determined that it is because he has a large amount of body hair and likes to wear sleeveless shirts and such, because if he has his upper body covered completely, she doesn't have an issue with him (or at least as much of an issue). Personally, I think it is just a phase that children (especially infants and young toddlers go through), it will get better with time.

When my youngest son was a baby, he would also cry whenever my dad was around. My dad would call my son "he-hates-me" because it happened so much. The fact of the matter is that although my dad is a great grandfather and very loving, he comes across loud and that would set off my son. I finally told my dad it's not that he hates you, it's just that you are so loud and that scares him. My dad would say, well that's the way that I am, and I then said, well expect him to cry. If he really wanted my son warm up to him, he had to give him his space and quiet it down. Slowly this started and of course now that my son is 3 1/2 he adores his Papa.

I would just sit down with your dad again and say, I know that you love your grandson, but he seems to be really sensitive to different things and if would be great if he would recognize that maybe if he would give him a little space and really think about toning it down until your son feels more secure, it would really help his grandson feel more comfortable. It happens a lot more then I think people realize. I have a friend whose daughter will cry any time her MIL is around.... and that can be hard, but how can you reason with an 8 mo old.

Good luck!
J.

It took my daughter a year to warm up to my Dad and she would see him almost everyday. And she is still not to sure of my FIL because he does not see her very much (she is 18 mos now). I think it just takes time and before you know it they will be best buds. I wouldn't force your son to sit with him though. If you son enjoys Grandpa outside than let them play outside.