Is This Wrong? - Kansas City,MO

Please make amends with the family if possible. I think it was an effort to connect that he sent the money.

I wouldn't do that. I would have your son write his grandpa a thank you card for the gift. He can also put in there how much he wants his grandpa to come see him and to come see his game/program/etc.

Seriously? You handled this completely incorrectly and now you are surprised at the outcome.

Instead of backing off and avoiding family functions for the past 2 years, you should have been immediately up front and stated strongly that your sister in law was spreading false rumors and that you absolutely did not care about the house. Instead, you went to her and then allowed this stuff to fester. Maybe she's a bad person but you should not have allowed her to create this rift.

You and DH decided to stay away from the family (your words) and now you are hurt by the fallout from that. That's not reasonable.

Stop being hurt, you and your husband go to your FIL and tell him exactly what went down, and how you reacted to it, and that now you are going to resume normal relations with the family.

Today is a new day. The past is over -- forget it. Call his dad and tell him you are picking up a pizza and soda or whatever your choice is, and coming over to see him.
Apologize for deserting him in his time of need. Ask him if all of you can start over.
As far as family events go -- just bite the bullet and go. If SIL starts drama be ready to leave. Explain to dad you will not put up with the drama but you love him and want to spend time with him.

Yes you are being childish and trying to hurt your fil. You and your husband have decided not to participate in family functions which is putting your fil in an awkward position. If you truly wanted a relationship with fil you'd go to visit him or make plans to take him out closer to his location. To say that you've invited him and he doesn't come to your house makes it sound like if it isn't on your turf you aren't going to play nice.

Have your son write a nice thank you note for the card and money and maybe add a little blurb about what he's been doing lately. Someone has to reach out first. Please be the bigger person and do the reaching instead of continuing to hold the hammer and wedge that drives the family further apart.

I think that this whole thing is silly and tha tyou've added to the silliness. I don't know how you found out that the SIL lied on you, but you should have (calmly and matter-of-factly) told your FIL and other SIL right then that it was a lie, that you had not said that, and then stepped away from it. You didn't need to call the lying SIL about it. You didn't need to take such a stand against the whole family as denying them your presence at family functions. You've participated fully in the madness.

Families have their stuff. You address it and keep on moving. Or you ignore it and keep on moving. Or you stand on a mountaintop to denounce the drama and then exit stage left. Guess which one you did.

This is just my opinion, but you were the ones who stop coming around. Your FIL lost his wife and son at the same. Even if his sister lied, you didn't have to stop coming around. Again, my opinion, and maybe there is something I'm missing. Now your kids haven't seen their other Aunts and Uncles or cousins. I think your FIL is just trying to show how your kids are missing out. I would let it go. And yes, FIL could be coming to your house too. Life is too short, your children already lost their grandma. I would go to the next function, you don't have to talk to your SIL. Be the bigger person. I have 3 sisters, and my youngest sister makes so much of everything about her. I don't see eye to eye with everything, but we are family, and family should forgive and move on. We just lost our dad this Christmas, and we have had some family issues. I still love all my sisters and want my kids to have great relationships with their cousins and aunts and uncles.

Again this is just my opinion. Family is important to me, and if my kids had a problem with each other when they get older, all I know is that I would try to make them all get along like I do right now when they fight. there is nothing more that brings a smile to my face as when my kids are all sitting together laughing and having a good time. That's what every parent wants, I think.

At what point did you/do you plan to set the record straight?
If you didn't say the things SIL said you did--why are you & your family now odd men out?

So, when SIL lied to FIL, and you called her to say 'oh hell no, we didn't say that'... at what point did you call FIL and set the record straight? Oh.. right... you didn't.

So then you contributed to the drama by refusing to go to family events. Why? Because they think were mad at you (over something you failed to clear up).

Gee. Go figure.

Did your husband ever very nicely explain to your FIL that you and he did not say what the other sister was accusing you of? Maybe he did, but from your description, the only person he spoke to was the sister. It doesn't sound like he ever tried to discuss this with his father.

It really sounds like it's just the sister that was causing drama, and you guys decided to write off the whole family, except on your terms. He may not have behaved in a mature way, but neither have you.

I absolutely would not send the card back. I would do everything I could to make sure that my son had a relationship with his grandfather. Your son did nothing wrong, and you are actually punishing him.

My husband's family drives me bananas. His family has a tendency to be very selfish and judgmental. Also, his sister was the only one with kids for several years (with 3 single, childless brothers who doted on her kids whenever they could), so she kind of got used to being the center of attention. My kids love their grandparents, aunt, uncles and cousins. They do not realize it right now, but they do not receive near the attention that the other cousins do. My husband and I do get quite frustrated, but why cause more trouble. Our kids are happy, so we just try to be grateful for what we have and live our lives.

Don't give into the drama! Don't let it stop your husband or you or your kids from having a good relationship with his family. Nothing is perfect. Family is going to upset you from time to time. You have to move forward.

It sounds like the one sister caused some drama, and you just let that run you out of the family. Shame on you for not rising above that. You've kept your kids from enjoying their grandfather, their other aunts and uncles and their cousins. Why did you let her have so much power over you? Grandpa has also behaved childishly, but you don't have to.

Make up with the family. Do it today. You've already lost so many days. Let the sister be a baby. If she lies and says you said or did something you didn't, just say, "Nope, that's not what we said," and leave it at that. Don't argue back and forth over the phone. There's nothing to be gained. Let them know what really happened, but tell them once and then drop it.

Encourage your husband to make up with his dad. His mom is gone. His dad and his siblings are all he has left. If he doesn't try and build a relationship with them now, he will regret it later. And don't you want your kids to know their dad's family?

If this is out of the blue and he hasn't sent things in a while, it may be a peace offering (or the start of one). Has anything else changed? Have the gloating phone calls kept up or stopped? If they've stopped, then something is shifting. Don't rush to react. Let your son send a thank you/miss you/come visit reply. Then let it go. Let him grow up and keep reaching out. Be polite. If it heads back to toxic, then step back. Don't attack, just let it unfold if there seems to be positive (or at least less negative) movement.

Well, now you know that your FIL is unfair and possibly vindictive. I wonder why he gave a house to one sibling. Was he trying to see who he would piss off?

Your husband should have gone to a family function long ago and cleared the air with this sister in front of the father. He should have demanded an apology from her in front of the dad and not backed down. Things couldn't have been worse than they already are.

But turns out that the FIL is just as bad as your husband's sister. Lovely.

Your husband is putting up with a great deal from his father. Three times in 2.5 years? Your FIL is the one who is missing out.

You already know it would be childish to return the birthday money sent to your son. And just as you know that the house belonged to your FIL to do with as he pleased -- this money belongs to your son, to do with as HE pleases; it's not even yours to send back. The gift was not sent to you but to your son. Please don't cave to your anger and return it.

The card and money might have been a tiny attempt by your FIL to start building a bridge with you and your husband -- Did that possibility occur to you?

Have your son write an immediate, personal, handwritten thank you note and get it into the mail ASAP to granddad. Even if your FIL remains angry with you, having your son send a note immediately means FIL does not have any cause to say "They're ingrates and are raising their kids as ingrates too." Plus, if this is indeed a try at reaching out to your family, why would you ignore it or reject it, since you say you've already been trying and trying to reach out from your side? Follow your son's note by one day with a short note from your husband thanking his dad for being generous to Son.

Aside from the issue of the birthday gift to your son: Your husband needs to handle this and you say he won't, but you need to tell husband that he will regret it beyond belief if he does not see his dad -- in person and alone -- and talk this over. Years will speed by and dad will die believing that son and you were always against him; does your husband really want a lie to keep them apart for the rest of his dad's life? Yes, your FIL is being stubborn and pig-headed BUT it sounds as if your husband has never adequately and firmly told his dad that what sister said was a flat-out made-up lie. I would bet that sister or other siblings have made sure that dad believes this lie, which is why your husband must see his dad face to face about it.

Being non-confrontational is the road to permanent separation when this might be resolved if your husband can be firm and direct with his dad even one time, and especially if your husband can tell his dad: "We keep inviting you to the same kinds of events you already do with the other grandkids. It's your choice not to come; but then please do not turn around and tell me about the things you do with my children's cousins when you have exactly the same opportunities to do those things with my children as well. It is very painful and it's all based in my sister's complete lie. We are not getting younger, neither are you, and the kids say they don't really know you any more. We do not want that; we do want them to know you. So there is a baseball game next week and Son is playing, and we are again inviting you to come as our guest because we aren't letting a nearly three-year-old lie stop us from asking you. Please dont' let that same lie stop YOU from seeing our kids. They are innocent of any offense, period, and they want to know you."

Ditto to what Patricia and Leigh R said. I also would add that the money and card are for your son from his grandfather, and I don't think it is right for you to intercept that communication. Even though your FIL has behaved badly (particularly to you and your husband), he is still your son's grandfather and if the relationship can be revived, I think you have an obligation to allow it a chance. At a later date, you can express your hurt at his actions. And if your FIL acts out again, you can back out again. Good luck!

Momof2boys suggestion is perfect. Classy and mature, that's how you rise above the drama.

so sorry for the family drama. blick. families are so hard.
you've been handling it all so well. just stepping back from the drama, but continuing to extend invitations to your FIL is just the right way to go. don't blow it now. have your son write a nice thank you note, and move on. having been the mature, sensible one all this time, you don't want to descend into the same poor behavior demonstrated by the in-laws.
your husband is a grown man and can choose to take his dad's phone calls. while it hurts him, it's his decision and may well be less hurtful in the long run that severing the relationship altogether. please support him in however he chooses to handle it rather than adding to his pain by perpetuating in the drama.
khairete
S.

Leave it alone, love from a distance, don't add to the drama. Keep praying for the family.