Fil/grampa Is Having an Affair

For me, compassion and forgiveness are not always easy to come by but when I can manage it... seems to make a WORLD of difference.

Yes, you are supposed to open your heart and realize that there is no way that you know everything. There is always more to a situation than any outsider can know. I am not condoning this, as I too, believe that cheating is definitely wrong. However, we can not judge someone else and you need to try and open your heart and love your in-laws for who they are. Try and remember all the good things about them. Forgiveness is the ultimate gift! Teaching your kids this is something that they will carry forever. I know it will be hard, but time heals and you will get over the shock of everything and be able to move on. Good luck and remember to try and keep your heart open.

S.,
I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this. I too would be very uncomfortable in that situation. What concerns me the most right now is your children. I agree that they should not know what is going on, but at the same time Children are smart and can figure things out. I know that your father in law has made an obvious mistake, but the fact that he continues to justify his behavior is what really bothers me. Your children and their innocence needs to be protected. If it were my child, I would find another source of childcare and limit their exposure to family functions, or time with Grandma only. This is a tough decision, but I'm sure you and your spouse will do what's best for your children. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

S., i don't think your children are at risk of anything. it's up to you and your husband to role model a good marriage for your children. if your fil's wife is willing to accept him, then you can do the same. he cheated on her, not you. i am not supporting his behavior (i agree with you; it's uncomfortable and shocking). my father (on his third wife) has had numerous affairs. my children don't know about it for now. one day they will. i am hoping they will know to love him for how he treats them...and to learn about marriage from my husband and me. as i said, i don't agree with your fil's behavior, but i would guess he loves your kids a lot and they shouldn't be used to 'punish' him when his wife has accepted his actions and his apology. all that being said, if you fear for the safety of your children, that's a different issue entirely.

Wow, not too sure what to say. Just felt I had to offer support to you:
You are right to know that your kids will pick up on the vibes. The best you can do is wait for them to ask what is wrong and answer, truthfully, that the grownups are having a disagreement (or problem, or whatever) and praise them for being in touch with their feelings. If they want to know more, which they shouldn't really at this age but every kid is different, just tell them that it's a grown up problem and the grown ups are going to take care of it.
They might be more worried that they will not be loved the same, and you have to make sure they know that even when people are having problems they can and do love each other. Remind them of a time you had to correct them and that you two still love each other even when you disagreed.
As far as your own behavior, your kids will react like you do: if you go in expecting the worst, then they will be tuned into that. Just take a deep breath, let them know that you're doing your best to be in charge of your feelings, and act as you would if it was any other of your friends. You should not be afraid of showing your own feelings of sadness or dissapointment, because they are Your feelings. Just model for the kids (and sometimes for the grownups) that people can be dissapointed with each other and still support them.
If it should happen to come out and your kids hear about it, deal with it then. Don't make trouble that hasn't happened yet. But be sure your in-laws know where you stand on this. Since they have included your husband in their discussions, he should definitely be able to tell them how the two of you feel. It should be a united front for both of you.
As far as your father in law... nothing will probably change his mind until he is ready to change it. If you pray, pray for him and yourselves. If not, then just know that what goes around comes around, and it's not your battle to fight. As the kids get older and begin to notice more, it will be your time to teach them that people make choices - good and bad - every day, and you have a set of values to guide your choices. Just because other people make bad choices doesn't mean that they have to, also.
This might seem a little out there, but go to the library and check out copies of Love and Logic... what you don't use with your children you can certainly use with your in-laws when they are acting like children!! Yes, it seems unrelated now, but it will give you another tool both to cope and to get throught this with your whole family.
Good luck to all of you, and good thoughts going your way!!

Hi S.,
This really is between your FIL and MIL, the fact that they shared it with the rest of the family is probably more open than many would have been. If your kids were to over hear something you would simply explain it, age appropriately, it is a part of life that isn't going to destroy your children but teach them early on the difficulties that are brought on by your FIL decisions. I am sure your kids love both of their grandparents and this is not something that should change that. Your disappointment in your FIL is not something that should come between your kids and their grandparents, that would truly be difficult for your kids.

If you are feeling awkward around your FIL because nothing has been said to you then talk to him, tell him your concerns. Be upfront so this isn't a white elephant for you. If you keep everything in then it will become more than it should be for you. I know many men that feel biology is an excuse for their behavior, that again is between the man and his wife. I think you may be concerned about how your husband feels since he was raised with this attitude. My guess is your husband doesn't agree with your FIL but maybe for your own peace of mind you should have that discussion with your husband.

If you are close with your in-laws then be there for you MIL to listen and talk if she needs you. We all make decisions through out our lives that surprise us. We stay with our spouses for different reasons at different times in our lives, sometimes it is a comfort level, sometimes financial, sometimes we love them even when others think we shouldn't, sometimes it is so the family isn't disrupted and for some we leave because we can't be with our spouse any longer. It is different for each couple and it is between each couple and not for the rest of us to judge.

If for some reason you feel the children are not safe there then don't let them go but keep in mind over 50% of people in this society have affairs (not justification just a fact), it doesn't make them harmful to their families, disappointing but not harmful.

Your kids will probably never find out about this so hopefully it doesn't affect their relationship with their granddad. Don't let your behavior be what gives them cause for concern.

Good luck, be positive,
SarahMM

Hi S.,
I didn't take the time to read all of the responses, but I know you've already gotten a ton of advice. I won't try to add to it, other than to suggest that whatever all else happens, don't lie to your children about ANY of it. Children are smart. I'm not saying you should sit them down and tell them all about it. However, if they sense that something is wrong and then come to you and ask you about it, don't lie. Don't let grandpa's deception become deception in YOUR household. They don't deserve to be lied to, anymore than your MIL deserved to be cheated on.
Best Wishes,
M.

hi S.,

maybe i'm off the mark here, but it seems to me that there is an underlying issue, separate of grampa having an affair. when the family gathered and discussed this, you were excluded. it seems to me that you've not been given the opportunity or role in the family to be part of what goes on in The Family. what grampa does in his personal life is no one's business except his wife's-but since he was the one to call a family gathering to discuss this, i think that you've been disabled by the family. you are part of this family and should have been part of a family discussion. while your views on the affair are universal to most, it seems to me that you are suffering from being put into a lower cast role within the family. excluding you from any discussion and yet having you involved in the daily routines leaves you with no means to process or close on this. sit down and talk with your husband about this. i'd hope that an honest, warm conversation with your fil and mil would follow. these are your kids, too. this is your life as well as their lives. i think that you will feel better about your "position" in this family once the family recognizes the slight of excluding you from a conversation that effected you and your kids as much as anyone (well, your mil is most effected...but beyond her, you and your husband and his siblings are effected).

i'm not addressing the issue of adultery here as your question really was more about "what should you do..."

best to you,

S.

You can rest assured that Grnadma and Grandpa don't want their kids to know about it, and that being the case, you really don't need to worry about them discussing it in front of the children. It isn't your place to judge them or him and he has admitted to doing something wrong, and wants to make it right. So it is time for you to forgive him. It's their marriage, and it's between them. They won't drag your kids through it. No it isn't dishonest to not tell your kids about it. Do you tell them everything that you and your husband do? Of course not, because it isn't thier business, same goes for Grandma and Grandpa's lives.

Hi S.--

Sorry for your situation. I would say go with your gut. It seems to me that if this man is a big part of their life you may consider limiting their contact. You do not want them to learn, even by small actions, that they are somehow less because they are women. If he is having affairs then inherently he has a lack of respect for his commitments and for women in general, your mother-in-law specifically. This is definitely not a good role model for your girls. It is your job to teach them integrity among other things. While many families push things under the rug, you obviously cannot pretend that everything is okay, and yes, they will pick up on that. I think you tell them as much as they can handle for their age. Children need honesty. Maybe you tell them that grandpa hurt grandma and you don't want him to hurt them. Maybe you explain that he treats grandma in a way you don't agree with and use him as an example of what is not good for them. It may be hard on the family unit for you to stand up to this situation, but sometimes the right choice is the hard one. Allowing this to be pushed under the rug allows the energy of the situation to continue through the family and may be passed down to your girls. Be their champion. If someone else in the family complains about your decision remind them that you are not the one that lies and cheats and you in no way want that example for your children. This is not your fault and you must take responsibility for your children regardless of how it effects everyone else. You need to set appropriate boundaries regardless of how others in your family react to the situation. You are right to feel sad, hurt, confused, disgusted....and a complete loss of respect for him. I wouldn't leave my children with someone I didn't trust and couldn't respect no matter who they were. Hope my thoughts help! Good luck!!
J.

I understand first hand how horribly damaging this type of situation can be. My mother had an affair and left my father after 35 years of marriage. We didn't hear a word from her for over a month after she left. My oldest daughter (5 at the time) asked me if it was her fault that grandma left. We did not discuss the situation in front of her, she just wondered where grandma had gone and I had few answers. I don't know where kids get these kinds of thoughts but i agree with you that sheltering your children is of the upmost importance. I think staying together is between your in-laws and I am a little confused why the rest of the family is talking about is like they have a say in the matter? The most important thing is stability and normalcy for your kids. If they are used to spending lots of time with grandma and grandpa, then I don't think that should change. It would be very upsetting for them to have a relationship loss or shift. I say let adult matters stay adult matters and keep the kids sheltered as long as you can. I assume your in laws are responsible people or you would never have left your children with them in the past. Won't they keep your children sheltered from this kind of talk in you absence or for heaven sake avoid a fight in front of them. For the record, it sounds like your father in law is a bit of a pig! I hate the entire stance that men are driven biologically and have predetermined needs that over ride moral codes!!

It is very natural to feel betrayed and like you can't trust him right now. So take some time to just go through the coping process (denial, anger, helplessness, hopelessnes, acceptance; might not be quite exact, but something like that). Then you can think more calmly about it. Was this betrayal something that indicates how well he/they will be taking care of your children? Do you plan on just avoiding him altogether?
Since they have agreed not to tell the grandkids (or so it sounds) you probably don't have to worry about arguements or such spilling the beans while they're there. But the kids WILL pick up that something is strained - kids are like that. I would just let them know that grandma and grandpa are having a bit of a hard time but they are trying to work it out. No more information is neccessary, but also the more secretive you try to be the more the kids will worry about what is going on.
Like I said, take some time. You may never feel as comfortable or trusting of him as before, but the feelings of betrayal and hurt should numb over time. Make sure you are doing everything in this time to bolster your marriage relationship, for your and your husband's feeling of security and for a great example for the kids of what marriage looks like.

S.,

Joanne is right. It's really none of your busiuness and just an unnecessary courtesy that anyone was told of any of this. Your in-laws need to work this out between them just as they would any marrital issue and you, the grown children and the grand kids need to stay out of it.

If it starts affecting your kids, or they do hear something and ask you about it. Be as age-appropriately honest as possible and then have a conversation with your in-laws about their conversations.

Good luck-
C.

This just happened to my parents last year. They too decided to keep the family together for many reasons. I'm just grateful I don't have to split the time with the grandkids between them. Holidays are hard enough with all the family on both sides. Your in-laws will protect the grandchildren. There is no reason to bring up any fighting with them there, especially since it is already out. My guess is your MIL has known for some time. I think that at this point in there lives, making peace and keeping family ties is more important than separating and starting life over. Don't worry, it is not your battle and if your kids do find out, you can teach them what is right at that time.

I have a slightly different situation. I my inlaws family, no one talks about it. His kids don't know about FIL's affairs, as far as I know, but certain problems have arisen because of FIL's affairs and MIL spilled to my SIL, who told me when we were talking about my husband's problems. Did that make sense? FIL knows it's wrong and there are other self-esteem issues that he has passed down to my husband that have made my life hell. It has screwed up my life beyond words to describe! I have spent a lot of months hating my FIL for what he's done personally to me, through his poor choices and the effects it has had on his children.
I have not lived near the in-laws for the past year, which is SO good for me. I could hate him from afar and no one really knew.
Then we went to visit them for a week and a half this summer. I had worked through my feelings enough to realize that while I still had a bit of a gag reflex problem when I saw FIL, he really is an awesome grandpa. He changes diapers if need be, holds babies, gives bottles, gets on the floor and plays dinosaur, builds block towers, takes them places to see fun things, etc.
So I really don't have to like the guy personally, but I can let him be a (I want to say great) grandpa. I mean, really, how often do I sit down with my FIL and have a heart-to-heart? Naw, it's all about the kids when we visit.
Obviously you live closer than I do, and will have to face him more often. Quite frankly, if you avoided him personally for a while, and he noticed, don't you think he deserves it, anyway? I doubt your children would notice. Your FIL and MIL probably would, but he'd better accept it, and I doubt MIL would blame you! She probably wishes she could, too.
Do you think you could separate your feelings for the guy that way? Maybe that would make your life more bearable.

S.,
I too have been in this situation with my FIL having an affair. It was even harder then as my husband was over in Iraq at the time and I was left to be the one there for my MIL. I made an effort to make sure they both were able to see the children as they didn't do anything to me or the children. My FIL moved out for awhile and I still made a point of taking my kids to see him at work or wherever. This is my husbands stepdad but he did raise him so he is like his real dad. It hurt but we worked it out. Let them deal with the issues and just don't remove them from the kids life. GL

Hey S.,

Get and read the book "Family Secrets" by John Bradshaw. It will help you and your family with this situation.

Here is the link to amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Family-Secrets-Path-Shame-Healing/d...

Hope all goes well with your family.
M.E.

Sounds like this is one of those things families don't talk about. You act just like you did before you knew the "secret", unless someone tells you out right don't act any different. It it between them and no one else, it seems hard at first but it will get easier. If their kids know well thats between all them, don't feel bad about being "left out" just be glad you are for now. If and when your kids find out just explain thats something between your gparents. And teach them right and wrong and hurting others is not acceptable and again that is something between the gparents. Let them explain if they want to or can.
Good luck and let them take care of it themselves.

You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. I think protecting kiddos from drama is paramount.

My mother had an affair for 8 years. I remember quite clearly when my parents revealed it to my brother and I. I was a sophomore in college and my brother was 16. At the time it was devastating. My parents ended up getting a divorce. Needless to say, our lives have never been the same. My husband's parents are divorced as well. So, my children, instead of having 2 sets of grandparents, they have 4 sets of grandparents. Talk about complicated. It's not perfect --- but the kids don't know any different. Kids are resilient. But the adults act appropriately for the children's sake. Life goes on. It is what it is. Considering the big picture, we're all fine. You are understandably upset. But if your mother-in-law wants to work it out --- you've got to respect her wishes. And, personally, I think working it out is better than divorce. So, how do YOU deal with it??? I suggest you write a letter or keep a journal in order to get all of your feelings out. That might make you feel better. If that doens't help, talk to your husband, your in-laws, or a counselor about it. At some point, you need to let it be. So, what about the kids? I think it's best to keep them in the dark until they ask about it. I doubt they'll ever ask about it. If they do, I bet it will be when they are young adults or adults. Then you can use it as a teachable moment. An affair is a bad thing. But it is not the end of the world. No one died. Keep it in perspective. I do understand. I am sorry. Allow time to heal.

I didn't read all the responses, so I don't know if there are any that have my particular point of view.

When my Grandma was pregnant with my aunt, my grandfather had a affair. I have no idea if it was his first - doesn't matter. When confronted, he broke it off with the other woman.

Then, when I was just about 3 (roughly 13 years later) on my Grandma's birthday and their 25th anniversary, they announced they were divorcing. From what I understand, the other woman from 13 years ago had gotten divorced from her hubby and they were getting back together. Not sure how accurate that part is, but they announced their divorce for their 25th anniversary.

My Dad really looked up to his father. So, this (along with other things) caused friction in my parents' marriage and Daddy had an affair. They separated for 3 years - basically, Daddy procrastinates (sp?) and just never got around to signing the papers. Then, one day he showed up where we were living and said "I have a job in California, and I want you and the kids to go with me." We went and never looked back. No one beats Daddy up over that affair like he does. He has apologized to me for it - several times.

Now, back to my grandparents. As a child, I knew they were not married anymore. I saw my grandfather more than Grandma. And, she would never say a negative word about him - so the truth was not relayed to me until I was late in my teens.

My grandfather's second wife was a (insert nasty word of your choice here). If she knew my Grandma would be at a specific place, she would try to be there to make Grandma uncomfortable.

My grandfather NEVER did anything for Grandma; no child support, no alimony, nothing. Said he (government job) couldn't afford it, while she worked odd jobs and raised the youngest 2 kids on her own. When he was in contact with her, it was to benefit him. He bought his new wife a horse (that she had no interest in) and sent it to be kept with my Grandma - he didn't pay to feed it.

People have their flaws, and I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't be concerned over your FIL's morals. But upon finding the truth about my grandfather, the way I looked at him and the way I thought of him was irrevocably changed.

Your kids will discover some of his flaws on their own. Do you want your kids to change their opinion of him now? Do you want your kids to say something in front of him or your MIL?

My suggestion is this: Tell you MIL and FIL that you'd not like your children to be exposed to the truth of what has just been revealed. Do your best to treat BOTH of them as you had previously and let your kids have their time with their grandparents. This isn't about them - it's about your kids. All to soon, those people will be taken from them - let them have those good memories. Keep their grandparents untarnished (in the kids' eyes) for as long as possible. I'm not going to say it will be easy. But, my grandpa used to be my hero - now, he's some jerk who is so self-centered he walked away from his wife and kids so he could play slap and tickle. He is so concerned with himself that while he is worth millions, my Grandma has to make it on $500/month - while dealing with diabetes.

I'm asking you not to taint their vision of people they love. Life will do that in time.

Oh, I can only imagine how you feel right now. But honestly, is this your business? It seems that it may not be accordance with your values or morals (good for you), but the issue is really between the in-laws. If this in any way is affecting your children's relationship with them, then yes, you are right to be concerned. If they are still taking wonderful care of the kids and treat you well, let them deal with their issues unless they personally seek you out to talk. So, the 'white elephant' isn't really that, unless you choose to make it one....

you are right that your children may be exposed to ideas that you disagree with. but then again, it might be something that your in laws are careful not to discuss or show to children. that is something i think that you should find out. you have every right to be picky about your babysitters, family or not. if it were me, i probably would find a new babysitter or only allow the mother in law to watch the kids. i might even tell her it is because i am so uncomfortable with her husband now. if that offends her, that's her problem to deal with, but hopefully she would understand. her decision to stay with her husband doesn't necessarily mean that she agrees with his behavior.
when we lived closer to my mother in law, she was living with a man she wasn't married to, he smoked and kept dirty magazines in the bathroom, and they were not careful about the things that were on the tv while my son was there. these things made me very uncomfortable and he was too little to explain any of it to. so i just didn't let him spend the night anymore. he went to my mom's all the time because these weren't issues at her home. and my mother in law noticed, so we did have to be straightforward with her about the things that were bothering me. but she loved her grandson enough to make adjustments to please me. i try hard to teach my kids to hold fast to the morals that i teach them without being judgmental of those who don't live the same way. this often means that after we have left the presence of people who live differently than we do, i remind the kids of how we believe in living. i remind them that everyone has free agency, but i point out the benefits of choosing to live morally and honestly. sometimes i have to limit my kids' contact with certain people, like when my brother isn't careful of his language around my 2 yr old who is at a stage of being easily influenced by language. i feel like it would be wrong to do otherwise. to just allow my kids to be taught wrong things and do nothing to counteract it would be wrong to me.
now, my mother in law and that boyfriend of years ago are married and he no longer smokes. if we lived closer, i would tell her the kids could spend the night as long as she removed the magazines from the bathroom and they only watched tv i approve of. but my oldest son will tell people now if he is not allowed to watch a certain show or if something they are watching bothers him.
pray for help in handling it the best way! good luck!

I didn't read everyones, you have a lot of them! But I did glance at Deb K's and I have to agree.

It is between MIL and FIL, the fact that their grown children were told surprises me. I see no threat to your children, they are still grandma and grandpa, may they pick up on some tension? Sure it is part of life, as parents there can be tension in a relationship, same with grnadma/pa, if the kids do pick up on it, answer honestly "Gram and pa are probably having a bad day". You haven't lied but left out the parts that at their age they don't really need to know about.

I really am unsure as to why you are confused, he cheated, wife took him back, it isn't anyones place to pass any judgement on him, the only person who should is accepting it and moving on. When my husband and I split years ago do to his cheating I made it very clear that my family was to treat him with decency, heck I had to tell his family the samething.

And then I agree with a few other posters, if you are really having a hard time with it set up a day where you can talk to MIL and FIL alone, and really talk about your concerns, but I do think you are making more of it then needed.

Either way GOOD LUCK!

Frankly, I would be very clear that you are taking yourself and the children out of the "equation." If FIL wants to see the kids, he can met you at the zoo (make an effort to come on a public outing.) My MIL's third husband was very chilish and tried geting us involved in a squable. I was very clear that it was good for me to know some information through my husband but I was not involved. I would not go over there for visits and just leave the room when it comes up. Then ask your husband to just give you ocassional summaries of the process hee and there as he feels necessary.

it sounds like you know what you want to do you are probably just worried about where the kids are going to go. That's a weird situation and I can't say I've been part of something like that but you should protect your children that's your job and if you feel that you still want them to go over there you just aren't sure if something will happen or be said then sit the in-laws down and tell them exactly what you don't want happening around the kids and that if it does you will find else where for them to go, if they care about your kids they will do what you want them to not to say that something couldn't be said but at least they know your expecations. i'm sorry you are going through this i hope things work out

There is a fine line between loving someone and loveing thier behavior. I assume you trust your in-laws becasue you have left your children with them. Now is when that trust will really be tested. I am all for second chances and I think your in-laws deserve one with your children. If there starts to be problems with your children by all means, change your plans. This is a wonderful oportunity to teach your children, regardless if they no what thier Grandpa has done, that although people do bad things, that doesn't mean the person is bad. If your MIL has chosen to stay with her husband, rather than worry about how this is effecting you, you need to to support her. This is a wonderful oportunity to show her and your husband your love and support for them. Good luck. I know how awful this time can be, but rather than make it worse, try your hardest to trust in the Lord and have faith in your family!

In my opinion, if your father-in-law told his wife of all the affairs to get it off his chest and relieve his guilt, he was being very selfish because now she has to carry the burden and pain. However, I don't believe that a woman married for that long to a man doesn't know he's cheating, and she has decided to be treated that way and is staying for whatever reasons. I commend her for staying while raising kids, but now that all kids, (I assume) are grown, she could leave if she wanted. You also don't know why he cheated. Your mother-in-law may not have been a very good wife. Not to condone his behavior, but men cheat(unless they are just scummy)because they aren't being treated well by their wives, and look for women who will treat them the way they want and it strokes their ego. Having said that, I wouldn't engage in anymore conversations about their marriage if I were you. That is just gossip. It is between them and I think all kids should stay out of it. If the topic comes up while you are around, simply excuse yourself and find something else to do until the conversation is over. Or, try and change the subject. If you are on the phone with anyone who tries to start up that conversation, politely say, "I love you, but I don't want to talk about their marriage." Should your in-laws divorce, then you can worry about leaving your kids with Grandpa. For now, I would walk around with a smile on my face and be polite. By doing that, you are showing your children how to be good human beings. Think about it, I'm sure there are people in and out of your life all the time that do things you believe are immoral and disgusting, but you probably don't lash out at them every chance you get. That would devalue your character. That your children don't know is a good thing, but if you were to not behave kind in front of them to Grandpa they would probably think, "why is mommy being mean to Grandpa?" Then you would have to explain the deal to them. So, unless he does something illegal, immoral or just plain wrong to you, your husband or your kids, just be nice. There are times that you should speak out and stand up for what is right to teach your children to be strong, passionate girls, but this isn't one of those time. It is a private matter that everyone should keep their noses out of and their opinions to themselves and just be polite.

I have grandparents that I don't expose to my children (it's my mom and her 2nd husband). They lack morals and integrity and they don't have my kids' best interest in mind. So I have NEVER left my kids there. I don't trust them at all. The issues are different, but if your intuition is scrambling at the thought of walking out their door and leaving your kids with them, I simply would not do it. It's a toxic marriage and a home is lead by the man of the house and his morals, since he holds all the power. And it all trickles down. He obviously doesn't have a conscience or respect for women. I say make some changes and they can deal with it. BUT, you could invite your MIL over to watch them alone, since SHE is trustworthy. That way SHE isn't punished for his actions. Good luck!

You know, the funny things about parents or inlaws is they have lives outside of being parents or grandparents. That part of their lives is their business. We don't have to agree to it, but it is. He is not putting your children in harms way by his actions, though it represents being immoral, you have to let your MIL and FIL work it out amongst themselves.
If your MIL is willing to forgive him, then you have to.
He is your children's grandfather, you don't have to like him but you have to accept him.
They don't need to know, not now at least. It was a mistake, we are human and though it was horrible, it is done.
Even if your inlaws got divorced, they are still grandparents and you should put that first and foremost in your thoughts.
If you feel sitting down one on one with him talking to him about how you feel would help, then make some time to do that without your kids around.
My inlaws got divorced, it was weird and awkward, even still after four years my MIL calls and asks me things about my FIL and I continue to tell her I talk to him and he calls my kids, but I do not want to get involved in the personal issues or gossip about either one to the other. It just isn't healthy.
You don't know if there was deep seeded issues in your inlaws marriage that you haven't found out yet, there are two sides and I DO NOT AGREE WITH cheating at all, I just think that you have to just see what happens and treat him as you always have. HUGS!

Dear S., I agree wholeheartedly with Wendy.
Take this scenerio. Lets say (heaven forbid,) that you and your hubby became seperated or divorced, Would you take away his seeing the kids?
Divorce is rampant in our society. So is adultery. You can shelter your children, but they will know what is going on.

You must learn to forgive, and teach your children that as well. You might seek a place of spiritual renewal through attending a Christian Church. Southeast Christian in Parker, on Jordan Rd. is a good place to get involved. There are many areas to get plugged in and they have a great childrens ministry.

"And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you," (Eph. 4:32).

Being a grandparent myself, I would be crushed if because of something I did caused me to loose the blessing of being around my grandkids.

Do you know the story in the bible about the prostitute, and how they were going to stone her to death? Jesus told them "Those of you without sin, go ahead and throw the first stone." No one could becasue they had all slept with her!
Then He told her to "go and sin no more."

Every one of us is on that journey. We all have sinned at one time or another. What determines how great the sin? In Gods eyes all sin is equal.
From jealousy, unforgiveness,lust, lying, adultery, hate, pride, drunkeness, selfishness, the list goes on and on.
We all have different levels faith, we all are a work in progress, so knowing that, we can not judge anothers actions.

What I can assure you is that God never misses one second of our lives, and it is He that we all will stand before someday to give an account of our life.

Christianity has two choices regarding eternity...Heaven or Hell. Once people understand that, they can begin to focus on eternal things, and let God take over the injustices of the worldliness around us. Read the book "The Purpose Driven Life." Its not about us. It is all about Him, and we must focus on our own lives, and how to please Him.

Sorry, I got into preach mode. This world is making people sicker each day. But we can hold fast in knowing that Jesus will return one day, and clean up all the injustices that have been committed. I look forward to that day, cause my grandkids are in the line of fire, and only God can protect them.

I wish you the best S....
Blessings,
C.

I disagree with even the adult children having been included in this. It is personal and really none of their business. It should not have any impact on the children. It is another case of TMI and having some infomation like this is uncomfortable but it doesn't change who the people are, just your perception of them. Having a loving grandfather, even if you think he is sleezy, is good for the kids and they don't need to know.

I think there is a lesson in forgiveness and unconditional love being taught through your MIL. Nobody is perfect and life happens. If your MIL- the person hurt the most by this- can forgive him.. then you guys should work on forgiving him as well. IF your children find out... which it seems will not happen at the hands of your MIL/FIL- focus on the lessons taught instead of what happened.
My Grandpa cheated on my Grandma. Divorced her and married the woman he was having an affair with. She got screwed in the divorce and her oldest son dropped out of college to help her raise the youngest two girls in a run down condo where they had to lean over their cereal to keep ceiling bits out. She forgave my Grandpa. It's a lesson in love and forgiveness that almost everyone in my family has taken to heart.