Time Out for 16 Month Old

My daughter is 16 month old and I think she is definitely too young for time outs. I think around 2 years old they can start to understand discipline.

I personally think it's too young. He won't get it. But you can always try. Or you can just let him have his tantrum and ignore him. After 19 years of parenting, I'm VERY good at tuning things out.

I don't think he's too young for a SHORT time-out. About 2 minutes max. But you do need to find an alternative to the crib. I agree that the crib should not be used to punish because they will then have a negative association and you certainly don't want that at bedtime. Does he have a playpen? A highchair? I think either one of those would work. My daughter-in-law used to put my granddaughter in a chair and then just sit there and kind of hold her in place. After a few times, she got to know what time-out was about and then she would not have to be held in place - she would stay there knowing that the time-out would end soon and she'd be allowed to get back up. It's just a matter of training!

Tantrums are very annoying, but are actually a sign of intellectual development in toddlers!! He is figuring out that he has the power to make things happen and he is exercising it! I don't recommend time-out for him. It isn't appropriate to punish a 16 mo. old. Redirection is appropriate right now. I would suggest making statements to him about his feelings, like "I can see you are really mad at me!" Or "You are really upset aren't you!" He will eventually learn to express his feelings (rather than act them out) but you have to show him how. Then, express your feelings about his behavior,"I don't like it when you act like this." I realize he isn't going to imediately respond to what is being said. You are modeling behavior for him. Eventually he will be able to say how he feels and care about what you are feeling. Try to distract him, "I am going outside (in the kitchen, etc), do you want to come with me?" "Look at this, isn't it pretty?" Don't give in to any demands or you will teach him to have tantrums to get what he wants. If he needs to be moved to prevent a scene or to reduce chaos, pick him up and take him where he can tantrum in private (with you, don't leave him alone). Be calm and non-reactive to the tantrum and the reason for it. If you do this consistently, I believe you will see fewer tantrums. Don't expect them to disappear altogether. He is too young to express himself appropriately all the time.

I have a 19 month old that started with different undesirable behaviors around the same time as yours. I started by using time outs in a chair and the behavior increased. After one month of time outs, I spoke with a montissori pre school teacher who stated that it IS too young for them. They just do not "get it" yet and to try redirection. Within days of not using the time out and using redirection, the behaviors decreased. So, my experience is that, 16 months is too young for time out.
M.

I am on Child Number three and has come to realize that when a child throws a tantrum at that age they are not sure how to express there feelings. I don't think that timeout are neccessary at that age. I think they most important thing is that you don't give into what eve they are throwing the tantrum about. When we did do timeouts it wasn't because of tantrums, it was because they continually did something we asked them not to like unloading the bookshelf. At that age a time out was taken on one of our laps for one minute and stayed calm. I am trying to remember that parenting is about teaching, and consiquences whether good or bad. Be consistant and remember he is little.

J.,

It depends on the child, but usually when they are having a tantrum at that age, it is because they are frustrated and don't know how to tell you what they want/need. I suggest in the throws of a tantrum, calmly get down on your child's level and ask them to show you what they want/need. Tell him that you understand they are upset- and listen to what he says. If he doesn't calm down right away, walk away and ignore the behavior. Usually they will see that you aren't paying attention and they stop and move on-or they just get it out of their system. Take care.

Molly

I'm gonna respond to both of your postings....I'd say 16 months is kinda young to for time outs, mostly cuz he won't really understand why. You can certainly start teaching what is acceptable & unacceptable behavior so if for example, he throws a toy, briefly tell him no throwing then distract him or move onto another activity. The key is not too many words. And, yep, temper tantrums at this age are completely normal & common. You're probably right on the mark that he's frustrated w/either his inability to communicate or to get something to work. Mayber try to give him simple words to help him express himself & either you help him or move onto another activity. When our oldest son (now 7.5 yrs) was this age, he would have horrible tantrums, too. Most of the time, I'd remove him from the activity & sit & snuggle w/him. This seemed to work w/him for a long time as his preschool teachers did this same thing when he got over-whelmed or over-stimulated. It stills works somewhat cuz, really, I think what he wants is some one-on-one time. Then & now, we encourage him to take some time to himself & take deep calming breaths. So, maybe sit w/your son & take deep breaths yourself & either he'll start doing the same thing or feeling your deep breathing may help him calm down. Hope this helps & good luck!

Time out isn't just a negative consequence but a tool to ehlp the child regain his composure. My oldest son rarely had tantrums but my second son was a head banger and my third one is very strong willed and easily bored. Time outs have been a terrific tool for all three and I started with them about as soon as they could walk. Yesterday, my two year old put himself in time out after dumping out a box of cars just to make a mess, which I thought was pretty cute. If my child won't go to time out, I physically put him in time out. If he won't stay there, I hold him in the chair until he says "OK" or "yes" when I ask him if he's ready to obey or stop yelling or stop hitting or whatever. On the occaision he just can not get himself under control and violently resists being held in time out, then I will put him in his room (which has a baby gate) until he'd done screaming (a port a crib works well too). Once you've established this pattern for a week, I've found it rarely escalates past being sent to time out unless the child is tired. Then, I read him a story and put him to bed.

The whole goal is to stop the undesirable behavior and to establish both your authority and his ability to correct his course of behavior. For a 1 year old, I rarely keep him in time out for a full minute. I end the time out as soon as the storm has passed.

If your son is frustrated due to a difficulty communicating (so common for this age), try to teach him a few signs. For instance, have him point at what he wants and say "please" or "help."

The battle with tantrums starts now and usually continues until the child is about 4. They just don't have the maturity and perspective to regulate their emotions until about four. That means the goal isn't to prevent all cries of disappointment and frustration, but to help them get themselves back under control as quickly as possible. Time out is a tool to help them.

I think when Evan has a tantrum, you should just totally ignore it and go about your business. As in fold and distribute clean laundry, wash dishes, etc.STAY BUSY.This reinforces that you are not hearing him. Remember at this age, they really believe the world DOES revolve around them.
And it will again, when the tantrum STOPS.
He is too little for time out. It is ok to leave the room too, but mostly act like he is not even there, you are busy, and you do NOT hear it. Your husband MUST do the same thing or this will not work. 100% IGNORE IT. DO NOT use the crib, you're right about that. Leave Evan right where the problem starts after saying, Come get mommy/daddy when you are done fussing. Then get busy & ignore. If he stops on his own without fetching you, GREAT! Go to him, and act normal, pick him up and LOVE him like normal. Dont go to him til he is okay agian, this will be hard esp the first few times.
Remember if that behavior gets ANY attention, the tantrums will only increase. So he will learn pretty quickly that it isnt effective, and in fact when I stop, Mom and Dad are so happy with me.
This is just his first lil lesson in problem solving & self soothing. If you follow this advice, it should stop within a week.

I started time outs with my daughter around the same age. I would sit her down in a corner and tell her she was in a time out and tell her why and I would stay there at the same level with her - this was to help her understand she had to stay there until the time out was over. I started by only putting her there for about 15 seconds and then teaching her to say sorry. At 19 months I only have to tell her that she is in a time out and she will go to a designated spot in any room of the house and stay there until I tell her she can come out - which is usually about a minute (sometimes longer if she continues to misbehave) and then she will come give me a hug and say she is sorry.

There was a ladybug rug in my daughter's room that we used for Time Out. I would sit her on the carpet and remind her why she was in Time Out. She never really associated the carpet with a TO...she played on it, rested on it, etc.

To this day, I will ask her to sit on the carpet (stairs) if a TO is needed. She hates the isolation and that is what is about for her. She knows if she goes there, it's serious and takes it to heart.

S

For my son we sat him on the floor. And, for him it was the worst punishment ever. We would say " Do you need to sit on the floor? And he would stop. As he got a bit older we would put him in time out, in a chair. He knew that was the time out chair. Now he is 22 months and he gets time out for about 1 1.2 minutes in the same place at our house if he hits or bites his 6 month old sister. Best of luck and just stay consistent with whatever method you decide.

PS ask your sitter to continue to have the same method you choose for your little one. That way everyone has the same discipline style.

I'm sure you'll get all sorts of opinions on when to begin disciplining your child. Go with what you feel fits your situation best. No one else knows your son like you do. Personally, I believe most children are able to understand the right sort of discipline very early on (perhaps even earlier than 16 months). Why is he throwing tantrums in the first place? If he's frustrated because of a communication or skill difficulty then perhaps you could help teach him a means to communicate or help him learn how to do what's puzzling him. If what's going on truly is deserving of disciplinary action, try putting him in his high chair facing a wall for about a minute. I agree that where he sleeps is not a good place for time-outs. My daughter is also a very busy child and putting her in a chair wasn't an option as she wouldn't stay in it. Good luck with this one. They're all angels until the tantrums hit, aren't they :)

Hi J.,

I also responded to your other posting :o)

I believe you should trust in your instincts. It sounds like you believe he is too young, and I do agree with you.

BUT.... it doesn't mean that you can't start getting ready for Timeouts :o) Get "the chair"....one that he cannot hurt himself on (in case he REALLY gets wild). And a Timer, I used the Microwave timer because it was "out of his control". I was told, that when I gave Timeouts, I was the one in charge, but if I used a timer, then my kids would relate "mommy is not in control of the timer" only the chair.....

If I gave a Timeout for 20 seconds with one son, it was "torture", but my youngest, it wasn't enough and didn't phase him. Each child will respond differently. But the first Timeout should be "short"....they need to know that Timeouts are for calming them down and taking a break from what's getting them into trouble. If it's short enough, then they "hear" the beeping and know and reassured that it doesn't last forever. You HAVE to earn their trust for it to be successful.

Timeouts worked better in my home when I used them as a source of calming down, instead of total punishment.

I had to have a "chair for mommy" at one point. We both had to sit in Timeout because I was so mad. My rules were simple, no talking to eachother (that doesn't include crying to oneself), and no leaving the chair. So, we would sit there in silence together. I had to explain that Mommy was getting too angry, that I had better have a Timeout. My kids understood that because of their Timeouts.

Trial and Error.....Trial and Error :o) There is truly something to say for those words :o)

Good Luck, J. :o)

My daughter is almost 20 months old now and I have been using "timeout" for a while now. I think she was 15 months old when I started. She would bite and scratch and hit and kick me and that wasn't behavior that I wanted to encourage nor was it something that I could ignor. I started using a pack n play for timeout. She knows what "timeout" is and what it means. She knows that if she's in timeout that she has done something that we don't like and it does stop that behavior ... until next time. I would say that it would depend on the child and if you feel that they can understand what it means. At the very least sometimes we both need a time out... it's pretty helpful during those frustrating times.

Good Luck.

When my daughter was little we would put her on time out in the middle of a queen size bed. That worked because she did not sleep with us in our bed and each grandparent had one too. So there was a consistant time out location at each location we would visit. Added benifit of the bed they were also in many of the stores we would visit so if she had an episode in a store we could find timeout there too. She did not like being away from the action and would straighten up right away. We would wait just outside the door to the room out of sight but could still hear her. As soon as she stopped crying or throwing her temper tandrum we would go back in. Hold her and discuss what it was about and that we loved her. We started this at about 18 months or so I do not remember exact times as she is 16 years old now but by two she did not like going on timeout and would do what ever she had to do to not be seperated from the action going on.

I always just let my kids have the tantrum and walk away like I don't notice it and they do eventually grow out of it. My 13 mo old has them already. With one of our 10 yr old we used to put him in a car seat in the corner so we could strap him in. He was good at sneaking out of time out and he would bang the walls so it worked good but he was also 2 when we started the time outs. I also taught some of my kids simple signs like for "drink" "eat" "please" this way they could communicate without being so frustrated and this seems to help too. Alot of tantrums at this age is out of frustration. Yes there are times where they want something they shouldn't have so we just try to offer something else that is a better choice and this can help too.

I think that was about the age I also started time outs as a way to establish boundries. I used a porta crib put in my room so nothing negative would be felt about her room or bed. I feel it really helped her learn boundries and to respect that mommy says and gain control of her emotions . It gives me a consistant way to deal with miss behavior so no confusion. I use the warning and 1,2,3. Now she is amost 3 and we use a chair. probley switched to a chair around 2 years old.We also don't have to do time out very often any more. Now my other 2 childern time outs did not work for. My son went totaly wild like an animal so I knew that wasn't good for him to be in that state, and my first daughter was perfectly happy in time out , clueless that she was in trouble. Just so you know all childern are different. But if time outs work for your son I think they are a great help in teaching right from wrong and self control.We always follow up with a talk and a hug.

I don't see a reason why you can't do timeouts although I not sure if he will understand what it is all about. I would do it and see if it works but it must be consistant.

J.,

I am going through the exact same thing! My guy was born on the 6th of March. It has been the past two months for us. Mine is totally frustrated and very clingy. Tantrums are part of the routine, too. Can't wait to see what advice you get!

Jen

A little young, but my son was not much older when we started them.

I think I got the idea from my pediatrician and in a handout she gave me at a check up he had at 16 mos.

We have a time out chair in the living room. I set the timer on the stove and tell him he can get up when the timer goes off. We started out with 1 minute. When he turned 2, we went to two minutes--unless mommy needs a time out.

Now if he does something that is not okay, he will sometimes go to the chair on his own. We use the crib as a time out place if he chooses to move off the chair, scream, or as mentioned above when his father or I need a time out.

As far as I can tell this has not caused problems with going to the crib at bedtime. It may be because during time outs in the crib, I do not close the door or turn off the lights.

There is also the concept of a time in. Similar, but the child is held. I'm sure you can find info about this on line.

Hi J., our sons are 1 day apart! My son doesn't really have full-on tantrums, but he does get very upset sometimes when he doesn't get what he wants. We recently got the Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD from the library -- i think there is a book too. I've tried some of the ideas he gave, and my son went from being upset to laughing at me a few times.

I also try to think about how unreasonable his requests are. For example, if he is about to melt down because I don't want to him to have a bottle of lotion, I think about how important it is that he not have it. I might stop what we're doing and let him play with it for a while. I think that I figure that if he is less frustrated generally speaking, maybe he'll feel like he's getting what he wants most of the time. Who knows, talk to me after he throws a huge one in public and we'll see what i think then...

I also wondered if I should be putting my son in time out. He is 19months old now, but I think I started around 16mon., but only when he was being so difficult that I was the one that really needed the time out. course he would never sit still in a regular chair. Since I had a bouncy seat that turns into a toddler chair that has a buckle I started to use that. I heard you should only do it for 1min for every year they are. Of course he did not understand yet, but I figured maybe if I started him young enough he would get used to just sitting for a few min. When he throws a tantrum it seems to work best for me to just walk a way, or try and find out what it is he wants.
I have very rarely put him in timeout until more resentaly when it seems like he was testing me. One day I did it three times. One right after the other, because everytime he would get out of the chair he would go back to do the thing I had been telling him not to do. Every time I would leave him just a little bit longer. By the way he hated being strapped into the chair. I was starting to feel like I should just stop trying. When I went in the 3 time I just looked at him this time and said nothing. He looked at me and said wawa no,no,no,no(he calls water wawa). I was so proud of him, after he got out of the chair he started to play with something else. Later on he decided to go back to what he was not suppose to do and walked over and said no,no,no,no. I told him what a good boy he was and took him somewhere else to play. So that has been my experience so far.....
Whatever you do if it's a timeout, or just remove him from what he is doing, ignor him or tell him no. Make sure you stick to it and stay firm. The earler they know that you mean what you say the better. It is so hard when they look at you with those tears in there eyes you feel so bad, but I think it is much better to do it young. It will only get harder... Best of luck to you..

Hi J.,
I have a 20 mo old who I started time outs with around 14 mo. I found that using a playpen in a different area of the house like the dining rm has worked great. His 4 yr old sister gets them there too. Its about consistancy and I have found that they are understanding it well. They get it for however old they are so for him I do a min and a half. I then explain to him why he was in time out and ask him to say sorry. Usually he does. So just stay with it, find somewhere else in the house to do time out and I think you'll be fine. I started with the play pen cuz they cant get out! :) LOL
Good Luck and let me know if you try it and it works...

You should be watching Super Nanny.

I also agree with some of the other mothers about the tantrums. The child is frustrated because you are not understanding what they are telling you. I have found with my 2 yr granddaughter to show me what you want. And she will take me by my hand and show me.

In regads to time out, definately do not put him in his crib for a time out that is a big NO NO. You can use a mat, star steps, chair in the corner, bean bag chair, stool or something along that range. Time out should be 1 minute for each year. So your child should be on timeout for a 1 1/2 minutes and no more. Each time the child gets up within those minutes then you start over. For that age it is best to get a kitchen timeer and let them know when the timer goes off then they can get up. But you really need to start watching Super Nanny, she gives a lot of tips.

You can actually start putting children on time out as young as 1 yr old. They do understand the word NO to a point.

I've been using a large(24"x24") pillow on the floor. I covered the pillow with cloulds and call it the calming pillow. When my child gets frustrated or doesn't listen to our words she is instructed to go the the calming pillow. I wouldn't advise the crib where he sleeps and/or naps. You may end up with sleep issues. Try calling it something else besides time out. Try something like quiet moment, reflection time or something with a more relaxed feel.Best of luck to you.