When Does the 2 Minute Count Begin for a Time Out for a 19 Month Old?

I tried time out with my daughter at about that age also. I recently had a counsellor suggest that we do not do time out at this age unless they are doing something that is a danger to themselves or others. She said redirection is more effective and better for them developementally.

I actually think 19 months is too young for an official time out. At that age, just tell her 'no' and then redirect her.

If she throws a tantrum, just tell her you'll talk to her when she's calm and ignore it.

The most enlightened thinking on correction, including time-outs, is that the child get a chance to calm down and collect her wits again, or that she understand what was wrong with the ORIGINAL misbehavior, depending on the situation.

If this happens in one minute, or five minutes, or without a time out at all, that's fine. The "minute per year" rule is an arbitrary number someone made up at some point in history, and it became widely accepted. It is simply a time period that is tolerable for MOST kids in that age group.

I can't disagree strongly enough in the philosophy of dragging the child back again and again to the naughty spot. The original issue is quickly lost, and it simply becomes a battle that the parent must win, and therefore, the child must lose. That's really sad, if you stop for a minute and think about it.

Your daughter is not "trying" to be naughty. Children don't really want to cause problems or get in trouble if they have any other way at all to meet their own growing need for autonomy, independence, and control of their circumstances.

Adults, with our vastly greater experience and busy, demanding lives, want everything to flow according to our grownup expectations. Your toddler doesn't know any of that yet, and she will probably have a couple of years in which she just won't see very much from your point of view. Thats' completely normal – she can't help it. Digging in heels and tantrums are a natural outcome of becoming more frustrated than they're able to endure. Many parents report that this "new" behavior seems to come out of the blue. The stress of travel and changing schedules, or illness, or any major change, may contribute.

Though you won't ever have a toddler who can behave like an adult and make all the choices you would make, there are tried and true methods for eliminating much of the mutual frustration that the mom and the child experience during the next couple of years. This may be challenging when you're also caring for a younger child, but overall, you'll expend less time and energy than you would if dealing with behavior that isn't evolving in a positive direction.:

1. When she wants something, empathize. Big time, and in the child's language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a tantruming toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re... . Once your little girl realizes you do care about what she wants, she's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from her. And there are lots of positive ways to approach this, rather than just saying no to a child. They hear no so often, and they can be so frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous.

2. Keep it playful. Children lean primarily through play. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and cheerful approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your daughter's sense of humor is developing, crude though it may be.

There will also be times when you must have her cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy that she gets to play with only at those times.

3. Here's a big one: give advance notice when you'll want her to be doing anything differently, especially when she's grooving on her activity/play. Children absolutely hate unexpected transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert one minute before making the change.)

4. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though she's too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, she will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

5. Try to keep demands low when she's tired, over-managed, hungry, or sick. An already frustrated child doesn't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.

6. Get to know her most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they want some tempting object or food they've seen. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy she likes when you have to take ______ away from her, or a healthy treat when she wants a junky snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into her determination to get something she wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing).

7. Avoid bribes, but let her work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if she gets to assist in advancing something good for herself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.

8. Be sure she gets lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. If she has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and hers.

9. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers. Look at your parenting contract, and you'll find it in microscopically-tiny print under "I agree to the following terms and sacrifices."

Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Children may be overpowered, scared, shocked, or shamed into compliance, but behaving for the sake of avoiding pain isn't the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and demonstrations of what you DO want from her will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want her to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.

I wish you all well. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your daughters, and make sure they know. Children want your love, attention and approval above all else, and if she knows you're noticing her good moments, she'll try to create more of them.

For her age I would do 1.5 minutes. Try a pack n play for time out. Yes, keep putting her back, she will learn. We did a time out pack n play in our living room starting at 10 months. At 3.5 he knows that when I put him in time out he has to stay. Once he could climb out of the pack n play I did a towel on the floor where he sat.

Someone consoled me the other day by saying (about my son), "it takes courage to have teenagers." I think the same is true about toddlers, lol.

I'm with Kelli in that it's important to deal with the situation and child specifically. Our daughter was about 1.5 (now 33 months) when we started doing time outs, too. I've never looked at the clock to know when it's over. I put her on a chair in another room (nine times out of 10 she's getting into time out because she's screaming her head off, rather than whatever the actual offense might be) and tell her she'll have to stay there until she's all done yelling. Sometimes I don't even make it to the door before she's ready to wrap things up. A couple of times it took 20 minutes of deep breathing (on my part) before she said she was done. Whatever it takes, I don't go far (if we're upstairs, I stay upstairs, etc.) and I give her lots of love when it's over. There have been a few instances where she faked "done," lol, so she went back to time out. Maybe twice I realized the bigger issue was that she needed sleep, so I started her bedtime routine and put her down.

By the way, it seems that the time outs (which are used infrequently) have trended toward easier *knockonwood* as she has learned where the boundaries are.

I agree with kiwimama, but when you have to do time out.. I have a time out chair for my 2 year old that's a high chair... maybe it's cheating but I strap her in and start the 2 min timer. If I mention time out she chills with whatever I'm telling her to stop or do or whatever so it must be effective :P

She is still pretty young for that kind of time-out, so it might be more frustrating and counterproductive at this point. Redirection or simply warning her that if she throws her food she is finished eating and then getting her down from the table or taking her food would probably work better. I use time-out some with my 4 year old, but with my 2 1/2 year old it rarely works. I use the booster seat with straps if I need him to sit away for a bit, but I don't really time it or call it a time out. I usually tell them they need to take a break to calm down or take some time to calm down.

For a while I designated one chair as the "crying chair" so my older son had a safe place to go and lose control if he needed to, or to go if he had lost control (wouldn't that be nice for us, too??). It helped him to know he could be upset and worked up but he had to sit there until he was relaxed and calm. He would also go sit there without being told sometimes when he was really worked up about something. Your pediatrician should be a good resource for you for age-appropriate discipline as well. Mine pointed out that what worked well with my oldest might not with my youngest, and sometimes short (safe) periods of isolation work better for some children, like being in a booster or something and having the parent leave the room. Anyway, I would make sure that it is really necessary before doing it, like for dangerous activities or defiance that is not simply normal toddler goofing rather than playing with food or whining, which are both normal. You might just make yourself really frustrated.

Oh, and I don't think I've ever seen Super-Nanny, but there are no real rules for using a time-out. I know some people who "restart" when their child makes a peep. If my kids can use the time to calm down and stop crying or to listen to me about why they were in trouble, I'm pretty happy whether they stood up once or twice or said something. Good luck.

Time out is not a concept a toddler can even begin to understand. I cannot imagine this working until they are at least 3 years old. Try redirecting them and if that doesn't work remove the thing they are doing so they can't access it again. My grandson just turned 4 in December and he is totally smart but his timeout is in my lap with his face going away from me and away from the computer screen, TV, anything going on around.

The purpose of time out is time away from a situation that is out of control so the child can regain control of themselves. That is a cognitive concept a toddler cannot understand. Time out used as punishment is not recommended for any age.

Kelli M. from Encinitas says it exactly how I would describe. It is to disrupt the behavior or obtain the behavior you're looking for. We have to remember that timeouts originally were meant as a technique to calm the child down not necessarily as a punishment. When using the timeout technique, keep that in mind.

We started with the 2 minute rule as well, now we simply put him in timeout and tell him "when you're ready to [pick up your toys, play nice without hitting, etc.], then you can come out of timeout".

Generally, it's because our son is 'melting down' and there's no talking to a child who is that upset. I will tell him that he clearly needs some time out to calm down and will put him in a spot nearby where I am. After about 2 minutes, if he hasn't calmed down, I will go to him and explain to him why he was put in timeout and tell him again that he can get out of timeout when he's calmed down and ready to talk to me. In the beginning, we used the 1 minute per year rule, but now, I give him the control - he can get out of timeout whenever he's ready to follow the rules. Sometimes, it's longer than 2 minutes (has never been longer than 5 min.) and sometimes it's less. He'll usually calmly call to me and say, "I'm ready Mommy" and I'll come over, tell him what was unacceptable and what he needs to do from now on and that he needs to apologize. As a note about apologies - I do ask him to tell me why he's sorry. He doesn't always get it right, so I try to help him a bit, but I think it's important that they're not learning to just blindly say they're sorry in order to move on away from the conversation.

Good luck and it sounds like you're doing great. You'll find your way with your child as well.

Best,
S.

I'm sorry but I don't agree. Why not just let her have her tantrum and completely ignore her? It sounds as though she is getting lots of attention every time she throws a tantrum if you are running to put her in TO and then back in TO every time she gets up. As long as she isn't hurting herself or anyone else, why not just let her lay wherever she is and have her tantrum. My son used to do this and I ignored him. If he was hitting the wall or being too disruptive, I put him in his crib and left him there. He hasn't thrown a tantrum in a year(he's 3). It didn't get him what he wanted, so he learned to communicate instead of screaming and crying.

I have been a childcare provider for the past 21 years and a mother to four children, three of whom are adults now. Time-outs, when done correctly are a really good form of separation/reflection time and shouldn't have to be used often if done correctly. I put kids are early as 18 months in time-out for biting, throwing a tantrum, refusal to follow directions, etc. In the beginning (early age), time-out starts when they are facing the wall and stay for 1-2 minutes per year. Around the age of 2, time-out starts when they are quiet. If they continue to throw a tantrum, I remind them that time-out starts when they are finished crying. This usually ends the crying either immediately or shortly thereafter. When the time away has ended, I call the child over, remind them of what happened, why we can't do that and if it was an instance of hurting another child, apologizing to that child. If it was for not following directions (failure to pick up toys, put things away), we begin that process at that point.

If a child comes out of time-out before their time is finished, I immediately put them back in. This can be a lengthy process but if you stay firm, shouldn't happen for very long. Your child needs to understand that you mean business and that when you say goes. It is not a matter of winning/losing...it is a matter of teaching them boundries and having the understanding that YOU are in control, that your rules always apply and they they must comply. It is a life lesson, plain and simple.

A WONDERFUL method of parenting, which I came by naturally is the Boys Town method of parenting children with natural consequences for actions and a very calming way of disciplining your children. I used this method with my own children and have very balanced, responsible children who know right from wrong, are respectable, intelligent, funny, enlightened people. http://www.boystown.org/texas/programs/common-sense-paren...

I hope this helps!

C.

hey that sounds perfect to me. it's not so much about the time, it's about the idea of calming down. get her to the point that she wants to be friends again. if it takes her ten minutes to calm down, so be it. if she's ready after a minute, great. you're doing fine mom, hang in there!

According to Love and Logic and some other parenting books you can actually hold them in place for the time out. Each kid is different but I've found with my own that it's better to do the timeout and move on. If they are really bad they go in the crib and I threaten that if they attempt to get out I'll zip the crib tent but the threat is enough -- they've never climbed out.

Absolutely you're doing it right! I have two year old twins, so I feel your pain times two! It's one minute per year of age. So, when they turn two is when you add the minute. Just know that they will eventually get the idea and not get up anymore!

My almost 4 year old goes into his time out kicking and punching the wall and seriously crying/screaming (combination of both). I tell him that his time starts (3 mins) once he calms down, that usually calms him down. If he is totally calm for a min or 2 I'll pull him out and discuss why... if he starts freaking out again during his time, it starts over, but again if he is calm for a min or 2 I will pull him out and chat about what happened. It is totally working where a normal kicking screaming crying punching time out wasn't at all. It gives him the chance to calmly think about whats happenning

what worked for us in regards to time out is the item(s) that were part of the negative behaivor (food in that case) get put in time out where she can see but not get... and hey! it WORKED and still does.