How to Introduce Timeouts

I loved (still do) the book "1-2-3 Magic". I think the author is Phelan.

What I did for my young child and a first time-out was to sit beside him. I modeled being quiet, reminding him each time he spoke up that Timeout means no questions now and no talking. I had to time this just right so that there was another adult in the house to watch the other boy or boys! Or just told the other boys to go play in their room.

As I learned from the book that has already been mentioned is that "timeout" doesn't mean, or doesn't have to mean, sitting in a corner or other boring place for five minutes. I have been creative and put a nerf ball in "timeout" because tossing it in the house came too close to knocking over some breakable items. When it came out of timeout, the kids were reminded of the rules that go with playing with it responsibly (safely) in the house, like in their bedroom.

One other thing I learned about timeouts, maybe because my boys have some OCD, was to give a _specific_ time for the timeout. I could always add another X number of minutes if time was up and they had not stopped crying or fussing or what have you. Letting them have a timer to watch or to listen for, was a great thing to do. I couldn't leave it where they could reach it and maybe reset it or shorten the time on it!

I actually found very little need for timeouts. Redirection fit us a lot better.

In his book, Phelan talks about waiting until the age of two. And after the age of about 12, these timeouts have to be redesigned for the tween, pre-teen, and teens. My teenager hasn't forgotten those timeouts but loss of privileges works a lot better for a teenager. LOL

It will be a huge advantage to you to read the 1-2-3 Magic book or something similar now.

Good luck!

Hi M.,
I am a parent educator and teach the Redirecting Children's Behavior Course...in RCB we teach self-calming instead of time-outs. Below I have cut and pasted some info about it from Kathryn Kvols the author of the Redirecting Children's Behavior book and Course. Feel free to contact me directly if you want more articles about behavioral issues.
Blessings,
K.

Self Calming vs. timeouts
Age: 2 to 4 years
How it works: The time-out is one of the best-known discipline tactics, but it's also somewhat controversial. Some experts think time-outs don't work well, are overused, and feel too punitive — especially for young preschoolers. "When we say 'Go to your room,' we're teaching them we're in control, when we really want them to learn to control themselves," says expert Kathryn Kvols.

In fact, for some kids time-outs can be so upsetting that they trigger tantrums, something you want to prevent. To avoid this, treat time-outs as a brief cooling-off period for both of you. (One minute or less is probably long enough for a 2-year-old. Don't start using the one-minute-per-year guideline until your child's at least 3.)

Let your little one know that you need the time as much as he does by saying, "We're both really mad right now and we need to calm down." Designate an area of your house as a self-calming place for your child (preferably this won't be in your child's room, which should have only positive associations), and direct him to go there for a few minutes while you go to your own corner.

Real-life application: You said no dessert tonight, triggering a tantrum, and now your child's screams for a cookie are only slightly louder than yours. Explain that it's not okay for either of you to scream at the other, so you both need to calm down. Lead her to her self-calming space (Kvols says the only thing that worked for her daughter was to go outside into the garden), and then sit down nearby yourself.

When a few minutes have passed and the anger has subsided, explain that it's not okay to throw a fit to get what she wants and that you're sorry she's disappointed.

See this info by child expert, Kyle Pruett, MD on discipline tips
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2009/10/30/...

I don't recall ever trying timeouts for my now-grown daughter. I used lots of coaching, modeling of desired behaviors, reasoning, empathy, and natural consequences. Pretty work intensive at times, but I thought it yielded good results for me as a parent, and a happy, low-stress childhood for my daughter. For my grandson, now 4, I use the same processes. My daughter occasionally employs timeouts, but I've never thought they were terribly effective. So I'm personally a bit skeptical about the value of the timeout, though it's better than many other options.

But if one chooses to use timeouts, it seems to me that the ideal is to help a child learn to control himself, not to be controlled by outside forces (even if the force is a well-intentioned parent).

Ideally, a time-out is NOT PUNISHMENT, and therefore, it's not important that the child sit quietly for the full minute-per-year. It is only important that he realize that he must be in control of his emotions/behavior to continue his play. (Of course, this will take practice. None of us change instantly.)

Once a power struggle ensues – in which a parent repeatedly drags a child back to the time-out spot to start the clock again, the exercise becomes punitive (to both parent and child, actually). The original point of the time-out has been completely lost on the child, and he just feels the whole thing is unfair. So he ramps up his emotions and resistance.

Now it's merely a power struggle, an entirely different dynamic than "Let's give you some time to be in control of yourself." Instead, it has become, "I need to conquer you." This is really unacceptable news for a spirited child, and unfair, because the child had no possibility of avoiding consequences for parental decisions made on the spot.

So, the ideal time-out gives the child a minute or so to calm down, perhaps realize his behavior was undesirable, so that he can re-set himself and resume his play. And with the ideal time-out, the child is more likely feel protected and assisted in his growing up, not embroiled in a continuing power struggle that leaves bad feelings for him to deal with.

Whatever you choose, M., I hope it works well for you and your twins.

Hello,

My doctor said that they can have 1 minute of timeout per year old they are. If they are 1, then they get 1 minute of timeout. The way I do it is sit my girl down against a wall and when she tries to leave, I make her sit there and keep re-enforcing why she is there. She may not quite understand, but she gets the picture and will learn about it sooner. The sooner the better because you need a way to punish them without having to refer to physical punishment. They will probably kick and scream the whole time, but remember to be calm and keep explaining to them why the have to sit there.

Good Luck.

i cant remember how old my son was when i found out he was going to time out. i belive it was a yr. and half...but not sure when she started! i was soooo excited! i thought the same as you he wouldnt understand. boy did he ever! he knew it ment big trouble. and cried so hard! for the first yr he got one min of time out. recently turned two and has two mins. we give him a warning and tell him no. if he does it again we put him in time out. he wont get up unless we go over there and take him out. then we explain what he did wrong. i know i cheated because i did not introduce time outs so he was already seasoned pro by the time we inforced it. thanks for being a good momma and teaching consequences for actions.

Check out the book, or DVD of 1-2-3 Magic. It gives you tips on how to do time-outs effectively.

Good luck!
T.
Barefoot Books Ambassador
www.ReadandGrow.com

My grandmother told me this
-pick a chair or stool for the time out.
-only make the time-out 1 min per yr old
-stop the timer if the child gets out of the chair

She also told me that is doesnt matter if they scream, cry, throw themselves around as long as they stay where they are put for their time. I can honestly say it worked for my 6 yr old. She also told me to na answer any questions or encourage talking while in time out. No tv either

Ever watch the Supernanny shows? They introduce concepts and demonstrate them well, including time outs.

Yes, it begins around age 18months. Before then, they just don't get it and are just exploring their territory and boundaries. When they reach that age, introduce your time out spot, and tell them what it is and how it will be handled. Buy a timer, set it for 1 minute and when the timer goes off, they can get up. I always say, "you got a time out because of ____. That is not allowed. Ok? Don't do it again. I love you." And then give them a hug and let them on their way.

This is a great question and I'm curious as well. Let me know what people come up with.