Need Advice with Behavior

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old in my house. The 4 year old is the worst. All I can say is that once I started to do things that affected him (i.e. giving away toys, taking away treats, not giving juice) he got better. He is still not an angel, but it helps. Drives me up a wall.

There is a great book out there on discipline - it's called 1-2-3 Magic. It works great. I use it on my son and he behaves great for me!

I read a good book called a new child by Friday. It has some techniques in it that seem to work well. Basically, if they don't respond, the next time they want something, you should not respond. Then they will see. The example they gave with a young one was that a boy pulled the "I do't like you" on his mommy and normally every day when he got home from school they would have cookies and milk. Well that day, they did not and when he asked, mommy said it was because of the way she was treated that today there would be no cookies and milk. The book was not very expensive and it had some great ideas - espiecially whent hey get older...

I feel for you! I had a tough time with my boys after I left their father. The school recommended the book "1-2-3 Magic" and it worked. Very easy read, very easy to follow and implement. As long as you do exactly as it instructs you, then you'll be fine.
Also, taking them to church and having them learn respect for you and the "fear of God" will help. It will also give them male mentors.
You must also decide within yourself that YOU are the ONLY say so in your home. If they disobay, then you just won't have it no matter what. No need to ever lay a finger on them, just develope a look that's scarrier than Godzilla and they'll shape up! It's also not a bad idea to have them be around other safe male mentors - like a program at the YMCA for the summer. They have weekly camp activities.
Best of luck to you. I know it's tough, but the rewards are indescribable!
God bless,
D.

This used to work with some pre-k students I work with. Ask them to do something. If they don't respond, calmly say, "you may not ignore". Then grab their hands and lead them to the task. If they fight you or refuse, give them a choice. "you may put your toys away or I will and I will choose one to give to a needy family.". There is always a choice. But you MUST follow through every single time no matter what. No second chances, no earning it back. Make sure to stay calm and matter of fact throughout the process. It's simply part of our jobs as parents to discipline our children... and it's their job to test us. Make sure that you also praise them immediately if they listen first time out and even if they started out bad but then started listening. The praise part is so important and we often forget that part of teaching good behavior. Something like, "I like how you are listening" or "I'm so proud of you for listening!"

Kids tend to act out worse with us than they do with others. I'm still having a hard time believing that, but so far with mine, it has proven to be true. But, you still can't allow this behavior. You will have to get tough with them and stick to your guns. Since they seem to behave well with others, they will probably do fine at school. I knew my son would be a problem at school, and he has had no behavior problems, supposedly a model student? So don't worry about school until you cross that bridge. But do worry about the disregard and disrespect toward you. You have to insist that they respond to you in a timely and respectful manner. Insist on it.

They are being 4! My 4yo does this all the time! Get tough. I often have to say something like- "you have until the count of 3 to get your butt into the shower." Do not be afraid of taking away privilages, toys, movies, etc. They should have some chores. THey can easily clear the table and pick up after themselves. Of course, getting them to do that is another thing. Stay cool and consistent. Once they know you mean business, they will comply. Then there are the days they will not and you will have to deal wit that, too.

All kids act differently for others than they do for us. My kids gets glowing reviews from other people....when they are with me it is another story.

Good Luck!

I was a stay-at-home mom with 3 boys, twins and singleton.
I was not about "tough-love" but my husband was.
The biggest gift he gave me was demand that the boys
"respect their mother". He, of course, had to model the
correct behavior too. It worked for us. Good luck.

I was a single mother from my son's birth up until he was 6. They are testing their boundaries. Make sure that you always follow through are your warning. I even got to the point where I would make him throw his toy away when he didn't do what I asked or was rude. I also believe in spankings. I didn't have to do it very often. I would give him a warning that if he didn't stop that he would get a spanking and would follow through with it. After a couple of times all I had to do was mention it and he would straighten up. It's definitely difficult to be a single parent. I wouldn't worry about whether there is a man in their life or not. Your father or a friend could be their example. Stay strong and stand your ground. Don't be afraid to show your anger. Not sure the best way to put it but when my son spoke rudely or disrespectfully to me I would say, "How dare you even think about speaking to me or anyone else like that. I will not allow you to be rude. You owe me an apology and then you can go sit in timeout and think about how you just acted." Usually when I would have that kind of reaction it would catch his attention and he would know I was serious. Today my son is 7 and still will test boundaries every now and then bc he does see his dad more often now and gets away with a lot over there. Then when he comes home we have to reestablish rules and attitude. Good Luck and hang in there.

I didn't read all of the responses, but noticed one mentioned Love and Logic. I am currently reading Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years. I borrowed it from a friend who suggested it. Just a snippet to give you an idea what they are talking about:

When your child misbehaves:
Respond with empathy ("That's too bad")
Change child's location or remove the "offending" object-or both.
Don't warn, lecture or remind. Let actions speak louder than words ("Looks like you need some bedroom time" - time out to calm down and be sweet again, loss of toys or privelages)

The last one really hit me. I tend to talk my 2 yr. old's ear off "explaining" things. The point is to help the children learn from their mistakes, not wear yourself out repeating everything umpteen time. I'm not done with the book, but it makes sense. I want to point out that w/any "self help" you have to make it work for you. You may find that you take bits and pieces from lots of places to make your life easier and that's ok.

I hope this helps or at least gives you some resources. As many have said, "this to shall pass!"

You are a very good mother! I had to get that out. Children act different with their parents and they know the buttons to push. My son does things at daycare that he won't do for me at home. He eats, for the most part, things at daycare but won't touch them at home.

Be consistent with your punishments. Pick something and stick to your guns. There will be crying and some fits but they must learn to respect their mother.

I am not a single mom but I did go through this with my son when he was that age-he is 12 now.
What also worked for my son was for me to turn it around on him. When he would try to talk to me I would just continue what I was doing. He got terribly frustrated. If he asked me to do something for him I would tell him to do it himself. We would talk about how it makes me feel when he does that to me. I think it's important for children to learn to empathize and sometimes putting them in the same position is the only way to do it.

Hello,

Do not fret. Be consistent with your discipline/actions when they do not listen. It is normal for them not to listen. Please do not throw away toys. My ex husband used to do that with my daughter. A therapist told him to stop immediately. Their toys are their stuff. It makes them feel disposable when a parent just trashes them. If you are going to do a structured clean out with them helping in the decisions, that is different.

It is a good thing that they behave when the are with other family members. That shows that they understand behavior and rules of what is right. They act differently with you because they know you so well and what they can get away with. It is called situational circumstance of behavior. My daughter does the same thing with me. She whines with me and no one else. Try to pinpoint a pattern of when they do not listen. When you know the situation create a consequence and use it change the behavior. Always praise them when they do listen and follow through without additional instruction. If one follows through and the other does not, praise the one. I hope this helps. My daughter is 6 and I have the same problem at times. Have a wonderful day.

All of the advice you've gotten suggesting you "follow through" is good. I have a 4 year-old girl and we go through the same thing daily. When she does actually pay attention to instructions, she will do whatever it is at a snail's pace. Drives me crazy! It is extremely difficult not to give in and help. But, it is important that she learn that she is quite capable of doing some things for herself and that there will be more expectations of her as she gets older. Just stay consistent with everything. Kids rely on us for their routine and safety. They need to know that they can count on Mom or Dad for certain things.

This is also why your boys don't give anyone else a problem. They are not so certain about what to expect from other people as they are you. They know Mom's limits and what they can get away with. They feel comfortable pushing you because they know how far you will go. They can really be themselves. Your boys behave better with others because they are afraid to push someone else's limits.

As for boys being more difficult to raise...I'm not so sure. I've heard that girl's are. I have one of each, so ask again in about 16 years. I do know that my daughter seems to be much more manipulative than my son. Of course, he is only 2 1/2 years.

The one thing I've learned is that if your kids are behaving somewhere else and just giving you a hard time, then you are doing something right. They know you love them and they can get away with it (to a point). That said....they need to stop,look and listen. At our house I have a tendency to let things slide and one day I realize everyone is being bratty so I have to crack down and whip everyone back into shape. Which means follow through calmly on everything I tell them to do. When I tell them to do something, I have them REPEAT back to me what I want done. That way they cannot say "but I didn't hear that part." I give a deadline and a consequence. If the deadline isn't met, the consequence happens. So don't threaten something you are not going to follow through on. Be consistent. it is such a pain at first because they will test you- that is their job- and you must follow through- that is your job. Good luck....

Hi L.
You certainly do have a challenge before you. Little boys really do require more disclipine at certain ages and they do seem to "try" your patience It seems that is what they are doing now- but be firm. and that is hard to do sometimes. Try this- when you talk to them or try to tell them something- make them stop and look right into their faces- taking toys away is not always the answer- and it does not seem to make a difference to them- sending them to their room is not the answer- that is where the toys are and they still can play- time out may be better- are they in daycare-- how are they disclipined there??? use that same method- what are their favorite things.......playing outdoors- etc- restrict that- no tv- no video games- etc- they will get better after they enter school or kindergarten- but you need to make sure they know who is the adult in your house and they must respect you and your rules.
If they continue to disrespect you- you might get some professional help with them- as a last resort
You will be fine. Raising boys can be a real challenge- I know because I had 8 boys and 4 girls.
good luck and blessings

I really don't have alot of advice for you and i'm so sorry...but I wanted to let you know that your not alone. I have a 3.5yr old and i'm also a single mom...and he's doing the exact same thing. I just wanted to let you know bc I know that I always blame myself and think "WHAT AM I DOING WRONG". But it's always at least a little comforting to know that i'm not the only one going thru this and my child isn't unique in doing these things. Anyways, good luck with everything...I believe that "THIS TOO SHALL PASS". Hopefully things will get better and easier for you...My prayers are with you!!! You are stronger than you know...being a single mom is tough...I only have 1 son I can't even imagine having 2.

N.

First of all, 4 years old is a difficult age. My pediatrician used to call it the "double terrible two's"! I think this age is just beginning to explore independence from Mom, and the fact that you have twins makes it doubly hard. They each will be as "bad" as the other.

My first suggestion is that you FOLLOW THROUGH. When you tell the boys that there will be consequences, make sure to do what you say you will. Otherwise, they'll just figure this is another time when Mom won't really do anything. (I find that a lot of mothers from your generation have trouble with this one.) Just remember, four is just the beginning. Thirteen isn't that far ahead!!!

Another thought: When the boys are quiet and calm, sit down with them and discuss the "house rules". Let them decide what the consequences will be if they don't follow directions. That way, they are more likely to comply when they are faced with "paying" for their naughtiness.

Also, as far as possible, NEVER raise your voice in anger at your boys. When you are scolding them, do it in a VERY quiet and calm voice. This serves two purposes: It doesn't pull you into a shouting match, and it preserves your control over the situation and your emotions. Once your guys see that you are serious, that they can't "get to you", and that you are IN CHARGE, they should turn around in their attitude.

I hope some of these suggestions help you. Most of them are techniques that I have learned in 27 years of mothering an autistic and mentally retarded son. Just think--he has stayed 4 years old all this time!

L.,
We had my daughter's hearing checked at that age, not listening is SO NORMAL. At 40, her hearing is still fine. My friend (single mom of 4) is having her 4 yr old tested. So take heart.
Observing my friend I have noticed the following, see if any of these apply to you:
1. talk too much and always telling kids what they don't want to hear (pick up toys, stop doing that)
2. tone is very negative
3. she is too tired to follow through

I would suggest that you borrow a tape recorder to monitor your conversation. I did this accidently when I had little ones and was surprised by my own angry tone when I would have said I wasn't angry, just tired.
THINK before you ask them to do something. "Can I follow through?" If not, let it go. It does less harm.
Try the charm offensive. "I am going to set the timer, who can pick up this half of the floor in 1 minute?"
Catch them doing something right and PRAISE, PRAISE, Praise.
I also like the 1-2-3 Magic book for giving kids warnings. It takes the heat out of your conversation with them and they and you are on the same page. You might want to borrow it from the library.
Take a deep breath. They will be 40 in about 15 minutes. Enjoy this time. It is gone in a flash.
K.

Hi L.,
Preschool is such a fun age, but it definitely has its challenges. You seemed to answer your own question when you said you did not follow through on the consequences sometimes. Your boys may have learned that sometimes they will have consequences and sometimes they won't which gives them room to do what they want and see what happens. Consistency is one of the most important elements of parenting. Tell you boys one time what is needed, and if they do not respond, follow-through with the consequence. You will find over time they will start respecting your requests and listening better. More parenting tips can be found at www.loveandlogic.com which offers great tips for parents.

Good luck.

M.

First, it sounds like you are trying to do a really good job with your boys. It must be tough having two at the same age on your own!

The number one thing you must do is be consistent and follow through. If you set a consequence, then you must stick to it. The trick is to set consequences that you can live with. I would not recommend throwing away or giving away toys as a punishment. I think this will only breed fear and resentment rather than trust and cooperation. I do think it is a good idea to take a toy away for a day or two if they are not playing with it nicely or not listening.

You also need to get on their level when you are speaking to them and make sure to interrupt what they are doing. If they are playing, they will be so engrossed in what they are doing. If you are standing over them, or are across the room from them telling them to do something, they aren't going to listen to you. That is normal behavior at this age (regardless of if they are boys or girls). With young children, you must get down on their level and get them to look at you so their focus is on you and not the toy. This may take a little work, but is worth it.

Giving your children choices is a good idea too. Again, they must both be choices you can live with (For example - "It is time to go, do you want to brush your teeth first or put on your shoes first?" OR "Do you want to cooperate or do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes") Also be sure to give kids plenty of warning when transitions are about to happen (going to school, getting ready for dinner, bath,bed, etc.)

Finally, many people believe that children are more "real" with their primary care giver - usually the mother. That means they are more willing to show all their true feelings, which is why they seem to act out more with their mothers than with people they are not as close to. It is hard to deal with, but is a complement and a sign of your close relationship with your children. It is a sign of trust.

Good luck!

Debbie is right on, the 1-2-3 program is awesome. But like she said, you have to follow it to a T.
I would only add to Debbie's response is that if you "threaten" to take something away, be ready willing and able to follow through. Follow through is the key. Well and lots of Love.
It sounds like developmentally they are on target...testing every boundary they can, they do it with you because they feel comfortable and safe with you. Remember you have to repsect yourself and demand that you are respected..
God Bless you for being a single mom, I was "single mom for 446 days while my husband was in Iraq. That was the hardest challege ever. My best friend has been Single mom to three children, She is my hero. And my hat is off to any woman or man even, willing to take that challenge.
Best of Luck...

With my children, they are testing their boundaries so to speak when they act that way. In essence, trying to see what they can get away with and if said boundaries have expanded in any way. Have one set consequence in place for each offense and do not vary from it. Kids WANT structure, no matter how much they may resist it. They crave boundaries because it sets the definite and they know what to expect. It makes them feel more comfortable. Just be sure that you are treating them the same across the board. Listen to what they say before setting punishments or restrictions. That way they will feel as though you are listening and truly do care about their concerns. If they continue to ignore you, walk them through the action you want them to perform, hand-over-hand. literally place your hand on theirs and perform the act... example: picking up a toy on the floor. It will be a strain on you the first few times, but once they see that you mean business and that they are going to do it regardless, they will begin to act on their own.
Good Luck!

H.

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This may not be the textbook answer, but what I have done to get my daughter's attention is return the behavior to her. I will ask her to do something a few times, then get on her level in front of her face and tell her to do whatever it is. Then when she calls for me from the living room or something, I ignore her - pretend she isn't even talking and when she quizzes me about it I ask how she liked Mommy doing that and explain why I did it. Couple times of her having to get up and walk to where I was and plead with me to talk to her and she straightened up.

Sounds like they think they can get away with only listening to you on after you repeat yourself silly. Try getting near them saying it once and looking at them intently until they do what you say. If they don't get the clue use your prefered discipline method and repeat the request. Keep repeating the sequence until they do it immediately. After they do what you've asked find something else you can request, and see that they do it after your first quiet request. This works, but every once in awhile we need to practice again. (mom forgets and raises voice and repeats, repeats, repeats...blows the whole thing!)

I am not a single mother but my mom raised us while dad was at work (shift work and we would go weeks with out seeing him due to his schedule). Time out a min per year of age. Tell them face to face look them in the eye. Right now you say things and dont mean it...meaning they arent made to do it and they are testing boundarys. Give them one warning befor time out. then make them sit there. go get them if they get up this will take a while for them to get use to the point that they will have to stay in time out for four mins. Good luck. Its up to you to teach them concquences for actions. It is harder raising kids with out a father figure...what dad said went they just have it in there voice.