Need Advice Please (Long and Drama Filled)

OK -the two biggest things that jump out at me from your post are A) -there's a 6 year old son being left with someone who neglects him, leaves him alone and lets him wander the neighborhood -and he's 6! You need to sit down with your husband right now and go over these things with him. Tell him this has nothing to do with how you feel about his ex -it has to do with how you feel about his son. Inform him that when the cops or some responsible adult finds his 6 year old wandering alone or there's an emergency and it's apparent he's been left home alone -that child protective services IS going to take him. This is a very serious situation! He should have HUGE issues with his ex allowing this to go on. The other stuff -bathing with him, sleeping in the nude -that's straddling a fine line. The issue of him being nude and sleeping with them (including her boyfriend -that's where all the trouble starts) is particularly bothersome.

B) -the second thing is your last statement. Does your husband think he's so perfect that he doesn't need any help as a husband or a father? You should spell it out VERY clearly -he can go to counseling or he can get another divorce. AND -if you walk, you WILL contact CPS to let them know about the little boy's situation. You are letting your blind love for this guy cloud EVERYTHING in your life, and honestly you're being a doormat. I know what it's like to so blindly love someone that you let things happen that never should, but now there are kids involved and this has to stop. The LAST thing you want is for your daughter to grow up thinking it's okay to be treated like this in a relationship.

Quite honestly -I don't think he's over her. If HE is also so blind that he never wants to hear anything bad about her -well -don't you think that's your answer? You need to go to marriage counseling and he needs to be honest -but you need to be prepared for that. I wish you luck, and I really hope something is done about the boy staying with his checked-out grandma. WAKE UP -you've devoted enough time here. He needs to step up or get out. There are far worse things than not having a man around -like having an unsupportive jerk of a man who is still in love with another woman.

Well, I'm not going to tell you what to do.......but it really sounds like he's STILL in love with his ex and always has been.

I'm of the belief that a husband should always stand by and support his wife (and visa versa of course) no matter WHAT! Even if he doesn't agree with her. I know that if I'm having an issue with anyone about anything, my hubby's got my back - and I've always got his.

I'm sorry you're going through this after marrying him and having a child with him, but there were TONS of red flags for years before. I know 'love is blind' and we have a tendancy to make excuses for those we love, but this is not behaviour I would *ever* put up with. And it's behaviour that YOU don't DESERVE!!

Sorry, I know this isn't very helpful. If he won't go to counselling with you, you could go alone and at least work on your own low self-esteem and insecurities. Discover that you are worth SO much more and deserve to be treated like a queen. Good luck sweetie :)

wow girl, I'm sorry you are going thru this but it sounds like you had MANY signs that you ignored. I always say "love is not enough". there are so many other factors in relationships and marriages, family, even friends. I'm in a blended family, my kids have a step mom and i'm a step mom. you really have to work together for the better of the kids. if you can't do that, you take legal action. by documenting EVERYTHING and get your husband to ONLY text and/or email her, that way everything is in writing. then try to get help. Personally, I think it's beyond help, but I believe there is always hope but only if BOTH parties are willing to work at it and make serious changes. Oh, and one other thing, your step son was touching is cousin inappropriately and you have a DAUGHTER? Enough said. I hope you find a solution quickly. Good luck!

Im so sorry about your situation. Honestly, I would leave him and call child services on his nasty ex. It sounds like they are both a mess and you would be bette off. :(

I have a similar basic situation in that my husband has a daughter from a previous marriage and I was married before and had no kids. One thing I realized is that there is a tremendous amount of guilt that can be associated with a failed marriage when there is a kid involved. My husband feels very guilty sometimes that he couldn't work it out with his ex for his child's sake. There was a point after they divorced where they even tried again (I wasn't in the picture yet). It's more of a feeling of wanting the family to be together, mom, dad and child. It's very hard to raise a child between two homes and stay in connection with your ex over it. He may love the IDEA of that family for his SON, not necessarily his ex.

You aren't dealing with a man who still loves his ex, you're dealing with a man with a tremendous amount of guilt, and an ex who apparently knows how to use this guilt to her advantage.

One thing I've had to come to terms with is you can't control the ex. You can't control what the ex does with her child (beyond reporting her to DCFS, etc.) You CAN control the child to an extent. My SD is 9 and she is allowed to do all sorts of inappropriate things over at Mom's. We've just talked to her about it over and over. She watches rated R scary movies. It's sad, but when she came back home scared at night, we did not coddle her. We let her know that SHE knew it was inappropriate and she did it anyway (regardless if Mom let her) and she could suffer the consequence. She hasn't watched them since.

My husband has gotten lots of help for his issue. Maybe that's the sticking point for you. If he's willing to get some sort of help (and he doesn't have to get "counseling" from a psych, there are lots of support groups, peer counseling and church counseling) or talk about working it out then you can find a solution. But if he's unwilling to change and won't admit there's a problem, well then you have your answer. You'll either have to live with the way things are or move on.

HUGS. Good luck.

Counseling may not be an option for your husband but you could go without him. It would really help you to sort all of this stuff out. There is a lot going on and you have no control over your husband or step-son. You really should seek counseling so this situation doesn't spiral even more out of control. It sounds like your SS is being abused and neglected. You should contact child protective services to have this checked out. My heart breaks for you. Good luck and I wish you the best!

forget your own drama and get that child some help.

Honey, he is just not that into you... I think it was like that from the start.
You marry someone who will move mountains and cross rivers to be with you.
The ex has a very powerfull hold on the guy...there may be nothing you can do about it...there may be something...like start being less accomodating. Your hubby seems like he is happy to play a role of a doormat...the way to tame these guys is to be the total spoiled brat diva...they quickly fall into role of tending to your every whim...And give him unbeliavable sex experiences - that always works to keep the guy hooked.
Good luck.

He has not moved on... old habits/lives.... do not always go away.
There will always be an "Ex" in his life and their child.

BUT if there are problems with parenting and inappropriateness... you have to protect your daughter.
AND Document it.... all.... and who cares for her per Custody orders etc.
To me... leaving a child home alone... and the child wandering about, is a BIG red-flag... and criminal.
This is.... NOT normal.... and very dangerous.
If they treat the son like that... HOW are they treating your daughter????

Get an Attorney.... and protect your child....

all the best,
Susan

I've read the other posts so I'm going to take a different angle, why don't you just 'let go' of his ex? I'm not at all suggesting that he's right in how he's handling things or that she's right in how she's neglecting him or treating him like a baby. But if your DH is saying "let it go" what if you did? What IF you don't talk about her, don't address the issues with her and don't waste your time and energy on her?

What I'm saying is, focus on what you can control. Make sure that your step son feels loved and well taken care of in YOUR home. Deal with your relationship with your husband, independent of her. As in, "It's really bothering me your telling ANYONE personal/private matters between us." If he calls you names, like jealous, insecure, etc. Tell him that he's out of line and name calling is childish. He needs to discuss ISSUES with you.

I certainly am not in your shoes. And I can't imagine trying to live up to whatever image he has of his EX.

You need to decide how you're going to handle issues like your stepson being left ALONE. I think you could call DCFS. The authorities should be aware of what's going on, but they'd have to catch her in the act of leaving him alone.

My point is, that if you want to try to save your marriage, TRY to let the ex be that, the EX. Don't give her any more power in your relationship than she already has as your stepson's mother. Try to deal with your husband's bad behavior with him - leaving her out of it.

Honey, please wake up and see the light. If what you have written is true, it is very obvious that your husband cares more about his ex than you. Why hold on to a man that puts his ex's feelings above yours. I think you should leave him and stay gone this time. You've given him more than enough chances and I'm sure you don't to hang by threads while this man shares your personal feelings with his ex. WAKE UP!!!

If he is not willing to make her the ex in all respects he is not a great father or husband. He should have cut contacts with her except where the boy is concerned 4 years ago.
Sounds to me like he is still in love with her but can't live with her. So he is getting it from you but emotionally with her.
If this is not the kind of man you want your daughter to marry then leave.

Wow, baby M. drama. I have been going through the same stuff for 5 years, it never gets better just fades away but to only come back with something else.
My advise is not worry or even focus your attention on your husbands ex. If you forgave him for the past then leave it behind and move forward. The less you worry about her(husbands ex) the less problems you will have in your relationship.
I use to find myself doing the same stuff, asking the kids what they did with their mom, who babysat them, how much time she spent with them. The bottom line thats their mother, and as long as the child is not being abused or neglected its better that you dont engage in conversation about the sons mother. Trust me life is so much easier when my husbands ex name is not in our conversation. Just recently when my ss would tell me what his mom did or what she was doing I would tell him tmi, or you dont need to tell me. All I concentrate on is that the kids are taken care of in my care and that they are happy. As the grow and mature they will know where the security and love is and thats where they will feel comfrontable.
So unless your ss in son kind of danger, its best not to worry about what his mother does. Let it go.
As for you and your spouse that an whole separate issue. And go to the basics of a relationship, do you trust him? And does he respect you? And I know I use to have the same complaint in the begining of our relationship, why do you hurt me to help your ex. I never understood why, until we finally talked about it. My husband explained to me that it was easier for him to argue with me and take his ex side, cause I loved him and that I would forgive him. On the other hand if he argued with his ex, not only did he have to deal with her attitude for weeks but his sons suffered. So he would always try to make things work out. I also explained to him how stupid I felt when he wouldnt stand by me and how I felt. And if he expected me to teach them as my own I should be included in decisions here at our house. And it kinda open his eye a little and he would discuss issues with me instead of just making them on his own. So I guess communication also is a big key.
Good luck!

Hi,

Wow, you have been through alot. I read your whole post and am so clear on this- my opinion is that your husband is never going to change and he will always choose his ex over you. he loves her and isn't able to let go of her. He can't fully love you because he is still in love with her. I know for you, that is horrible to hear-but it is the truth. You are selling yourself short to stick around for a man who won't ever man up and handle his responsibilities. if he isn't willing to do counseling, you don't really have any other options- he has told you in that way that he doesn't see a problem and doesn't want to change.

My advice to you is get a divorce as quickly as possible and move away from this drama-take your daughter and run! Find a new life for yourself and a life that doesn't include him. Good luck.

M

well if he wanted me to treat his as my own first i would be calling
childrens services. letting this child fin for him self is not an option. would you let your child sleep with some man when you weren't in the house. some one needs to stand up for the child. then i would pack up my bags. he has NO business talkinbg to his ex about you. period. where does he get off telling your feelings to an ex. you deserve better then that. i don't know that he wants her back , sounds like he tried that, but he doesn't want her to be with others or he would not be talking to her when it doesn't have to do with visists etc. he is going way beyond talking about their son. maybe you could talk to her boyfriend about his personal stuff. no i am only kidding but do you see what i mean by this. hey, maybe you could have him read this stuff and see what others think of his behavior. any way. i think i would have to give up. love doesn't do this kind of stuff. god bless, R.

You have a child together now so just leaving him isn't so easy or necessarily the best thing. My friend had issues with her husband's ex but now that the daughter is 18, they've faded. I dated a guy going through a divorce with 4 kids and I think it was a similar situation. He really wanted "the family" and he had feelings for her - they had 4 kids together... Ultimately, he broke up with me and they got back together. A couple of years later, they divorced. He'd also always said they had nothing in common, different values etc but I'm sure he feels like he at least tried. So it's complicated and likely your husband is conflicted and feels guilty. Maybe the key question is whether or not you think he really loves you or just didn't want to be alone. If deep down you think he does love you, keep working at it. If you don't think he really does, then that's a tougher situation. Good luck.

Without reading any other responses, I think he is still in love with her and can't let her go and probably never will. It sounds like she will always be first and he will always defend her. I feel really bad for you because there really is no way you can make him get over her. If he won't go to counseling, then you can, but I don't know if that will get your relationship where you want it to be without him contributing. I would suggest getting help yourself to see if this is something you can come to terms with or not. You're getting nowhere with him, and he will just become more defensive, so you will have to act on your own for now until you discover which direction you want to go.

I know that this situation is very difficult for you, and I want to start by saying that I really feel for you! I will try to keep this short and sweet. It sounds to me like some huge red flags are flying with your stepson. i think that poor kid is being abused and/or neglected. Call the local social services and send someone over there to crawl up their asses. You can do this privately, and they will not know it was you that called. After that, I would pack up your daughter and move back home. I know relationships are complicated, but the fact that this man repeatedly has broken your trust, isolated you from your family, backstabbed you to his ex, etc....tells me that he is a selfish and uncaring person. You deserve better. Get yourself some counseling to be able to let him go and move on. It will be hard, but I think it will be better in the long run. He is only causing your heartache, and that is not the example you want your daughter to see about how relationships should be. Be strong, believe in yourself and how valuable you are. You can do this!

Maybe you guys need a trial separation. Sometimes distance and time apart really puts a relationship in perspective. I can't tell you what to do, but I know when I seperated from my ex (who refused couseling) it did help. I took that time to work on me, my insecurities, my health, and to really think about what I wanted out of my marriage.
I wish you good luck in finding a solution.

I'm sorry but he sounds like he puts her first. And that's why he doesn't support you when it comes to her.
You wouldn't be the first woman to "really be in love with" someone so you "wanted" it to work and it doesn't. Wanting it just doesn't make it so.
The bad part s that now (due to your child) you will be bound to this drama to some degree if you do divorce....
I'm sorry, no real advice other than to do what you think is right for you and your daughter.

What a tough situation you are in. You may need to get a deeper understanding of your own needs to understand why you are so in love with a man who has given you serious reasons to back away.

Though it's hard to get a complete picture from your necessarily brief description, it sounds like you won't really have much opportunity to "save" your SS from his mother's influence, so if that feels like one of the ways you're trying to prove your value to your husband, you may be chasing wild geese. And winning your husband's affection away from his ex, to whom he sounds pretty devoted in spite of the differences that make staying together impossible… sounds like that's not working, either.

Counseling may not be something your husband will agree to do, but I would strongly recommend it for you, anyway. You are in love with a man who is not meeting some of your more important needs (for honesty, connection, communication, respect, personal growth?), and I hear real anguish in your request. This sort of relationship often mirrors some childhood dynamic of your own. It may have something to do with your father, for example, and what you have come to expect as unachievable because of patterns you observed in your parents' marriage as you were growing up.

A counselor will help you sort out your own needs and motives, and may well help you find a way to move forward with this relationship. This could be any number of options, from finding more effective ways to communicate, to define your needs in ways that you may not realize yet, to make your needs known to your spouse. If you have some less-than-wholesome motives that keep you hanging on, counseling will help you find them and perhaps find a healthier way to relate. Or to free yourself, so that you have a chance at a truly nourishing marriage.

I hope you find a way to bring real change into your marriage, or you'll probably be dealing with variations on these same difficulties for years to come. That can be hard on a woman's soul – I had to eventually leave my first marriage because of somewhat similar patterns.

My husband and I were having some problems. Not the same things that you are dealing with but I was ready to leave. I found a counselor in our area that pro-rates based on income so that we could afford it and basically made my husband go. I told him if he didn't I was leaving him. Things were that bad. I don't know about your feelings but it sounds as if you aren't happy and if you don't work on things it will only get worse. I think if someone refuses counseling there is an even bigger problem than you think. Counseling can be proactive not just when there is a bib problem. Now that we have been going for 2 months my husband is slowly changing and he even admits that it has been a good thing for us. How are you two supposed to raise your child if he won't let go of the past.

Start going to counseling by yourself. The counselor will help you figure things out. You were together a long time and could have seen the writing on the wall, but we humans tend to go into denial.

Since you can't get your husband to talk to his ex about issues regarding his son and I am sure he won't let you talk to her, maybe a tip to Child Protective Services or a guidance counselor would be in order. You have to do what is right for the child.

As for your marriage, I think you have two options unless you want to always play second fiddle....give him the option of stepping up and acting as your husband (instead of hers) or counseling. In lieu of that, I don't think I would stay.

First of all you HAVE to call cps about this child being left alone. This is beyond wrong. I wont leave my 7 year old alone to walk to the neighbors house i cant imagine what a child could get into in that amount of time. as for your husband, i hate to say it but i think hes still in love with his ex. you need to get rid of him as much as it hurts you dont deserve this!

Counseling may not "be an option" for your husband but it can be for you. Believe it or not, one person can bring about change in a relationship. It's important for you to get clarity about your options-leaving is just one of them. At the least you will learn what led you to make the choices you have. At best, you will be able to create a healthy loving relationship. Check out Michele Weiner Davis' Divorce Busting website. Find a marriage friendly therapist in your area soon. Don't be miserable for one more day. Please get some qualified help so you can make good decisions about your and your child's life.

In hindsight, you can see that the problems your husband is having now are the same problems he had before you married him. As tough as it is to say, it appears that you are heading for divorce because he is not treating you like his WIFE. He sees little reason to change (after all, in his opinion, he was good enough for you to sleep with him, move in with him, and marry him, so why is he all of a sudden *not* good enough for you now? -- his way of thinking), and probably will not change.

I suggest stop trying to talk so much and start moving into action. You may be able to save this marriage, and I hope you can, but it will require work on your part. Check out the blog "What Women Never Hear" (http://wwnh.wordpress.com) for more tips and advice on marriage and relationships.

honey i hate to say this but it sounds like you already know what to do you just dont want to. it sounds to me like your husband is very much still in love with his ex they just cant make it work very well. it almost sounds like he is still married to her having an affair with you. doesnt really seem fair does it? i think enough is enough. he is putting his EX WIFE ahead of YOU. if he doesnt even want to try counceling then he is just there now cause he doesnt want to be alone with his son. my husband has an ex girlfriend he still talks to but he would never share any intimate details with her. he didnt even tell her i was pregnant until after he asked me if i was ok with it. everything she knows i know she knows because my husband is my best friend and talks to me about everything. you need to prepare yourself to hear anything that comes out of his mouth but you need to sit down with him and tell him "look this is how i feel, these are the facts from an outside person, i am not jealous and i am not making things up but you need to sit down and decide who you really want to be with. if its her that you are in love with then let me go have a chance to be happy and with someone who wants to be with me. if its me you really want to be with then treat her as the mother of your son and thats it. not bestest buddy whom you tell everything to. if you want me let her go. you cant have both its one or the other. i am tired of sharing" but you need to be prepared for his answer. he will be pissed and there will be a lot of yelling and crying.but you need to know for your piece of mind.
God bless you and i hope everything works out for you
B.

my ex husband has told me too much with his wife (he has flat out told me that he wished me and him could've been as happy together as my husband and i are now). me and his wife have ALWAYS butted heads, after a few times of me "biting her head off" she finally backed off of me (reason's to explain for another day). Because of my experiences with the step mom, i RARLEY say ANYTHING to my husbands ex wife, i'll go pick them up without him there ONLY if he confirms THEIR MOM is ok with it EACH TIME or i will not (mainly because i will not allow my daughter's sm to pick my daughter up...will not happen).

there can be a lot of reason's why your dh doesn't not side with you (mine will behind everyone's back's) but when it comes down to the nit and gritty, he does sometime agree with things differently than he and i discussed (their kids, their choices)....but i'm only step mom, i have no say so when it comes down to it.

ss's mom may always try to continue to break you guys up...i'm on both ends of the stick, step mom dealing with mom, and mom dealing with step mom. i've learned, and it works best for me to avoid drama if you're input is not ASKED for by dh, step kids, or their mom it's best to be the step kids' FRIEND before their parent and let the step kids come to you if they want. This is what i have done with mine, and because i don't enforce punishment, because i don't "over step my boundaries" it's made life with them soo much easier, i'll occasionally ask if there's anything they want to confide in me, normally youngest step daughter (daddy's girl) wont talk bout much of anything, and the oldest step daughter, will vent mainly about what she hates that mom does or "those other girls" at school.

you're husband may have some emotional connection to his ex wife, after all, he is dad to her son, however, i would be VERY upset to see a text like that, would result in not having texting options, would probably disconnect cell phone use all together, and go straight to the old fashioned land line...so you hear what she leaves...although that probably still wont stop it. i would suggest you have a heart to heart discussion with him, and even her (maybe)

In some ways I hate to tell you this story, but here goes. My sister was married to a guy for 12 years and they had 2 children together. He was also a stepdad to 2 others and had a child by his previous wife. When they would fight he would sometimes say that he wished he could go back to his ex-wife. After 12 years his daughter by his ex-wife showed up and said her mom wanted him back. He divorced my sister and has been with his ex-wife, now wife, for many years. It shocked us all, but it really happened. I say get out of there and go back home to your extended family for support.