Is This Invitation Appropriate?

Updated on August 08, 2010
J.P. asks from Cedarburg, WI
44 answers

I am dating a man that was recently divorced (2 months ago), and we have been invited to attend his 4 year old niece’s birthday party. I am uncomfortable attending because I know my boyfriend’s ex-wife was also invited and will be there. His ex-wife forged a relationship with his sister-in-law over the last 10 years and apparently they see no problem with inviting her. Is their invitation appropriate? It all seems very awkward, and I would appreciate your opinions to help guide my decision.
[UPDATE]
To further clarify the situation, I'll add that even though he was recently divorced, we have been dating for over a year now. I can appreciate the feedback that the ex will always be the Auntie to this young girl, but my boyfriend also wonders why he can't go to a family function (this is his side of the family) without having to "bump" into his ex-wife. He feels she should give him some distance since they are no longer married. Any experience with ex's that just can't let go after a divorce?

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J.L.

answers from San Diego on

I don't understand the term forged relationship, if she is related to the niece by blood or by previous marriage, then she is still family, so I don't know wht people are saying in is o propper to invite her. J. you are dating a man that was someone elses husband, so you have no ties or relation to the neice. I would let the boyfriend go and avoid any scenes. J.

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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

Since the divorce is still fresh, and the ex has a strong relationship with the host, I would probably sit this one out too.

Now mind you, with Thanksgiving and holidays right around the corner, the situation will come up again, I just don't think that a 4y birthday party is the right time since it should be about her, not the divorcees.

M.

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L.P.

answers from Oklahoma City on

If you are already uncomfortable just thinking about it, how uncomfortable are you going to be while acutally there? I would not go!

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J.B.

answers from Atlanta on

I think it's perfectly appropriate. In this day and age with so many people divorcing and breaking up all the time after having children together, the common thought is -invite who you want to invite and let them sort it out. Go, be a mature adult, and enjoy yourself. OR don't go and you don't have to explain why (although your boyfriend should attend), but it's perfectly natural for the ex-wife to be invited. She's known the sister-in-law for 10 years and they have a relationship. Just because your boyfriend broke up with her doesn't mean his sister has to.

Also -you've been dating this guy for a few months and she was married to him for 10 years. There's a HUGE disparity in seriousness-of -relationship status there. For all they know you're simply the first in a long line of women he'll be dating, so they probably don't feel the need to throw the 10 year relationship they had with the woman out the window for that. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

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M.H.

answers from Dallas on

I don't see any issues with it. Your boyfriend divorced her..that doesn't mean everyone else had to.

5 moms found this helpful
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S.B.

answers from Minneapolis on

Are you sure the invitation was to the both of you? Or just him? I personally wouldn't go. A child's birthday party is not the place to be testing the waters between old family and new family.

4 moms found this helpful
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A.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

I think the hosts are free to invite anyone they want and there would be nothing inappropriate about it. The party is for the child. The woman you are thinking may be invited "inappropriately" is someone the little girl knows as her aunt, regardless of the divorce. I'm sure the little girl will be delighted to have her aunt at her party. It was nice that you were invited along with your boyfriend, but since the divorce is still fresh, I would be gracious and sit this one out. Your boyfriend should go alone this time. If you guys are in this relationship for the long term, there will plenty of time to get to know his niece and the rest of his family. Still, whatever future birthday or holiday event, they still can invite whomever they want, it's your choice to go or not to go.

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J.P.

answers from Boise on

The invitation is not inappropriate. It is up to those invited whether they want to attend or not. Most people that make invitations like that are looking for the invitees to be the bigger people and be there for the kids and behave themselves. If you see this causing a scene, and it was your boyfriend that was invited, not the two of you, can can decide to keep the drama away from the party.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

I would let them know that you greatly appreciate the invite, but will be unable to attend. No need to say why. The divorce is too new, and your relationship is too new.

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L.N.

answers from New York on

i think you should sit this one out. the ex wife has been a part of family for 10 years, you've started dating this guy a few months ago, so to avoid putting the ex wife in an uncomfortable situation, and your self too, decline to go.

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L.D.

answers from Las Vegas on

Yes, it is appropriate. Just because your boyfriend and his ex have recently divorced, his ex is still this little girl's niece and she has had a long-standing relationship with your boyfriend's sister. And if your boyfriend and his ex happen to have children together, then chances are she will be included in a lot more family functions to come. If everyone is getting along well and behaving themselves then there is really no reason to cut that person out of your life cold and engage in such divisiveness.

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M.G.

answers from Chicago on

It is inappropriate, even though his sister-in-law is friends with her. It is your boyfriend's family, so he should come "first". He needs to have an honest conversation with her and explain that he doesn't feel comfortable "bumping" into his ex at a family party. His sister-in-law may not realize how he feels about it.

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M.M.

answers from Minneapolis on

I do not think I would go. The divorce is still new and that takes some adjusting for all of the guest and host. Let them deal with this event in this new relationship first. There will be other times for them to adjust to YOUR new relationship. Both situations in themselves is an ackward adjustment, not to mention dealing with both. (Divorce relationship/ New GF relationship).
Since it is a 4year old party, it really is not adult intended anyway. The event is for kids and adults are invited out of obligation (and to get cool gifts... lol). Nothing personally intended for you... So, I think you should sit this one out. You have a lot of more opportunities that will arrise. From reading your post though; I want to offer a little advice......... Enter this relationship with an open mind and nothing against the Ex-Wife. These are relationships you have NOTHING to do with. 10 years is a long time and the relationships she formed with people you will now have in common has NOTHING to do with you... Actually if the people are healthy people, the relationships they formed if true and healthy relationships and do not just go away because of a break-up. They were based on things between them and her. Things that were problems between him and his ex-wife were not problems between her and his sister/family. A marriage does not make sister in-laws get along and become friends; love and bonding does! So PLEASE watch how you approach that and do not step on any toes. A relationship with the man does not guarentee a relationship with the family. You have to "Earn" that. So get to know them for you as you and let them fall in love with you too.... If you approach the relationship with them as trying to "replace" his Ex; I tell you that relationship between you and the family will never go anywhere. NEVER be negative about his Ex or feel she does not belong. It is one of those "we can talk about our dirty house, broken down car and fat lazy uncle; but an outsider better not." (Smile). The problems between your BF and his Ex may not have been problems with her nor may they be known. Actually you may have a little more inside scoop about them than the family does. So keep those feelings and privilaged information to yoursel. Just a little advise to you.
To answer your question; no sit this one out. Tell your BF; "Even though I know Karen invited the both of us, since the birthday party is for Ashley, I want you to go and concentrate on being a great Uncle. There will be plenty of opportunities for us to get together in the future." Then go out and buy the little girl this wonderful gift. Make sure you wrap it adding that female did it touch and you sign the card Love Uncle Matt & J.." That makes a statement at the same time saves hurt feelings and ackwardness. You would have made your presence known without being there. You then go have your toes done at the time of the party and have "Me/adult time". Hope this helps....

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K.B.

answers from Harrisburg on

I see no problem with it at all. These women have a relationship, whether through marriage or not. You stated they "forced a relationship over the last 10 years". You answered your own question. If I were in your position, the thing I'd be concerned about is if your boyfriend and his ex are in good standing. If they're relationship is now fine, then what's the problem? It sounds like you're a bit intimidated by the ex and the SIL and the relationship they have. Maybe feeling like an outsider? That's ok. It doesn't mean you can't be friends with all of them as well, and even the ex-wife. Just because the two of them could not make things work, doesn't mean a thing. Everyone has exes. So again, as long as your boyfriend and the ex get along, who cares. Go in, reach your hand out, shake hands, say your big hellos to all and join in on the conversations and have a good time.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
events and chat within 2 hour radius

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L.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

If it were me, I think I would sit this one out. It will not be comfortable for you since your boyfriend is so recently divorced.

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A.K.

answers from Iowa City on

I think it's completely appropriate for the ex-wife to be invited. She was a part of the family for a lot longer and she divorced the husband, not his family. I think it's very gracious that his sister extended the invitation to you after only 2 months. I think I'd pass on attending to avoid the awkwardness but make sure you send a gift so the niece knows you're thinking of her. There will be plenty of holidays and birthdays to be a part of in the future.

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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

Yes, it's appropriate for them to invite whomever they please, and you are free to accept or decline. Maybe if you go, you will find out there's nothing to worry about. Maybe you will be one of the lucky ones who will get along with your boyfriend's ex. That is a good thing.

Why is there an assumption there will be drama? Individuals actually have a choice in whether or not to create "drama."

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K.B.

answers from Jacksonville on

As a person who was in your situation, I wanted to add something. The ex-wife needs to back away from family functions. They are divorced now, and the family needs to respect that. By inviting her to family functions they are essentially saying "We do not care about your feelings" to your boyfriend.

It took me speaking up and telling them that they are going to loose the person they ARE related to because they are still so close to the ex. This hit home with them and they knew they had to choose--the person who was blood related, or the person that is no longer related what so ever, except by emotion.

As far as the 10 year friendship goes--this is something she has to decide to keep or not, but by no means should she be inviting her to a a family event, that is if she cares about your boyfriends feelings, at all.

Whether you are in the picture or not, his family is being rude and inappropriate, heartless and cold in how he must be feeling.

OH!! I want to tell you--I was involved for 7 months with the guy who was going through a divorce and everything was finalized while we were together....We got married almost 10 years ago and there is no sight of an end...we have two great kids and are very happy--so ignore the ones who are so down on you about all this!!! *smile*

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S.B.

answers from Kansas City on

I wouldnt go. No reason to deal with this drama unless you're married.

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M.C.

answers from Detroit on

I wouldn't go. If you have any hesitation or doubts about going, those alone are reasons not to attend. I would though help your bf pick out a gift and let him go alone.

M.

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M.H.

answers from Raleigh on

I know I am late on the uptake, but I have to say that I do find it weird. My uncle and his first wife were very close to me and my cousins (we are only about 10 years apart). I loved his first wife and had tons of fun with her, but when they divorced, she was no longer a part of family activities (no matter how often we may have wanted her there). I wanted to invite her to my wedding, but realized what an awkward position that would put my uncle in since he was now seeing someone else. Long story short, she and I speak through e-mail, phone and facebook, but we both know that family activities are out of the question.

Anyways...while I don't think it is your place to say anything, I do believe that you are correct in that it is kind of inappropriate. They may have been married, but your boyfriend is the family. Maybe it will take an event or two where he doesn't show up for them to realize that if they want to salvage the relationship, they need to stop inviting the ex. Good luck!

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Yeah--what they have done is put the ball in your court. I think if it would make you uncomfortable (it would me, too!) just let him go.

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V.N.

answers from Chicago on

How long have you been together? If he has been separated for years and you have a strong relationship with his niece than you might want to go.

Otherwise if you have only been dating for a few months or even a year I would not go. I think it would be awkward for everyone including you. Even if everyone is mature.

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B.B.

answers from New York on

I think their invitation is appropriate. Why should they have to choose? I say this because our best friends just got divorced, we told them they will both be invited to parties and it is up to them to decide how they want to handle it.

If you don't feel comfortable going then just be honest with your BF. I'm sure he will understand, as will his brother & SIL.

K.B.

answers from Milwaukee on

Not sure if you are asking if your invite or the ex-wifes invite is approproate? First if the ex-wife has a 10 year relationship with his sister-in-law it is what it is, you can not ask someone to not be friends because their husband-wife relationship ended.

It is their daughter they can invite who they want to a birthday party, if you think trouble is going to brew I would not go (boyfriend should go because it is family). Actaully I would not go at all, boyfriend just go. I would think you two would be in a newer relationship since he was only divorced two months ago and that alone might be rough waters if the ex-wife is going to be there. Give your relationship more time to mature/become stronger before going to family events if exs might be there (this also gives time to ALL people to get use to the change).

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A.B.

answers from New York on

They are being diplomatic, they know their brother is dating someone new and put the ball in his court as to bring you or not. Also they made you aware of them inviting his ex, so you are informed she will attend. If it is awkward for you tell BF to go and use the excuse that you have other plans. It's only one event, so I don't think anyone would be offended if you didn't show.

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A.F.

answers from Columbus on

I would skip the party, it would be very awkward for everyone there.

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H.M.

answers from Omaha on

Never been divorced...

But I'd say yes. It is her friend and you are a new girlfriend so what say do you have anyways in my little opinion. Maybe if you marry the guy you can have your husband speak up and all he can do is ask. It her party and she can invite who she wants. Not to mention this little girl has been in this ladies life for a bit of time I'm guessing and you haven't...

But I think yes. If it makes you uncomfortable stay home. I kinda feel you shouldn't be going and it is in poor taste if you do. You've been seeing the man for a small period of time I'm guessing unless they've been seperated and seeing other people for a bit of time so it's pry in poor taste if you go in the first time regardless of the invite.

Sorry if that sounds severe but I have 6 siblings and if any of them got divorced and brought a girlfriend not a wife to an event and the ex that had been in the family for 10 years was going to be there I'd be disgusted with my sibling for being so tacky.

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M.P.

answers from Sarasota on

I understand how it may be awkward for you being the girlfriend after the divorce. I agree, I think you should sit this one out- just in case bad vibes are in the air with your boyfriend and his ex.
I am a divorcee and so is my boyfriend. He's been divorced almost three years and me almost two , but my ex is very much in the picture with my Kids events- and my brother invited him over to July 4th/dad's bday-- it wasnt weird because my ex and my beau talk and everything BUT i wish he wouldnt have been invited. It's just too weird- there's always someone who brings up a past event when the ex's were together and its just too much at times!! You may want to take advantage of a double date or some OTHER way to meet the family instead of meeting them when the ex is around- the last thing you need is for them to start comparing you ladies-and there's always a rude person that will !
Also, we have been together longer than you and yours- so just wait til the holidays, which are right around the corner.
lastly, you and him are just starting to feel eachother out and get to know eachother. I would think you would want to wait at least a few months to know if he really is someone you want to pursue a long relationship with before going through the awkwardness of getting to know the family etc. ..
Save yourself the grief!

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S.A.

answers from Kansas City on

You have some good responses here to follow. Basically, I know she is the ex and she has developed a relationship with the family, but I think he needs to speak up and let the family know that if he is going to attend, she needs not be there. Unless, everyone can get alone. My ex is more than welcome to bring his current to anything that our daughters have. I just let my current know that the ex is showing up and if he feels that he can't be cordial then he needs not to come, however, most of the time he comes and everything is ok.

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A.R.

answers from Omaha on

I think the invitation is very appropriate. Just because she is your boyfriend's ex doesn't mean his entire family has to not have a relationship with her. You even said they have become close friends over the last 10 years. Also, she has been involved in the little girl's life for 4 years. Why should the little girl be punished by not having a woman she considers her aunt there. You've only been involved in his life for 2 months max. Who knows 2 more months and you may not be in his life at all. If it makes you uncomfortable don't go. Regardless, I think your boyfriend should go. It's his little niece. Don't punish the kid because adults can't get along!

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L.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

Don't go.

You are just dating and don't need to go to family events.

You didn't ask for this opinion, but I would be very careful dating anyone who was just divorced only 2 months ago. You are a rebound girlfriend right now. Even if he tells you that he wasn't living with his ex-wife for the last 3 years, it doesn't matter. A divorce is a different thing altogether. What's the rush?

M.S.

answers from Omaha on

Not trying to rude but you really don't have any say in the matter. She'll always be around. She's family, and always will be even if they are divorced. His sister can choose who ever she likes as a friend, and doesn't see you as a factor in anyway as she shouldn't.

I dont' see anything wrong with the invitation. You are coming into their world. The last thing you want to do is cause problems. They have their dynamics established and it seems to work. If it bothers you then you should think about finding someone new. If you get married you'll only feel more threatened. Unless, the ex is falling over over your boyfriend I woudln't worry about it. It's not highschool. Just act normal and be happy. If your going to find issues with it then maybe you shouldn't go. After all it's not about you it's about the 4 year old nieces birthday. Let her enjoy a stress free day.

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J.V.

answers from Milwaukee on

I disagree with Reverand Ruby. He may have been that with the divorced wife but maybe he has turned a new leaf. He may have chose a different route for his life and cleansed himself of his ex-wife and she was the shrew.

If you date this man for a long time, she will most likely be involved at every family function, they were married before you ever came into the picture. Please choose wisely how you handle this event. Be dignified and humble but do not stand for any grief, be strong. You can go to the event but again just be dignified and strong with a little humility involved.

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M.J.

answers from Green Bay on

After reading pretty much most of the post I agree you should not go . I am thinking your boyfriend was invited and he invited you to come with him to the party . You are in a relationship that has not been going on for long unless there was some cheating going on some were along the line . Then I would say you are over steping your bounds with showing up at a family function because it is like throwing it in the ex-wifes face . Stay home and I say if the family wants to meet you they will have your boyfriend bring you over at another time when his ex-wife is not around . You do not say if he has kids or if you have kids . I think two months is way to soon for him to bring you around to family parties .

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H.L.

answers from Cleveland on

Personally, having been a child of divorce, I think it's of utmost importance to realize that the ex is this child's aunt and should be included. My mom was made so uncomfortable that she backed away from family events, eventually wasn't invited anymore, and the aunt relationship disintegrated. Why should that be necessary? The adults need to act like adults and put on a happy face and learn to co-exist for the sake of the kids. It goes both ways, too, meaning if the ex is being a problem. If that is the case, she needn't be invited but I would suggest first speaking to her about how maintaining a happy face for the kids. Once this is done a few times it will likely become easier.

J.C.

answers from Columbus on

What a mature family your boyfriend must have! When I left my ex-husband (who was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and is now dating a man-at least now I know WHY *I* couldn't make him happy, lol) his family, with whom I had been close since years before we got married, dropped me like a hot potato! (Ex's parents were psuedo grandparents to my oldest son since birth, we didn't get together until my son was 4.) It really hurt that these people who I had considered to be my family for years could simply disregard me so easily. I would much rather be around a family full of adults than one that only sees what it wants.

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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

You will run into this more than once in your dating life. If you decide to go set up a verbal cue to let your boyfriend know when it is time to leave, such as ' I have to feed my cat'. When he hears that he will know it's time to leave. You could also have a friend call you during the party if you want to leave the friend can pick you up. Or you can take separate cars and just leave if it becomes uncomfortable.
Think about it this way. You really don't know him yet, two months is not a long time to get to know someone. Yes, the ex-wife may be a shrew but she also may tell you why the marriage broke up. He could be a drinker, or a sports junkie, a gambler, or a cheat. He may also be a great guy and she was one or all of those things. It's better to know now then after you are really involved for several months or years.

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L.K.

answers from Minneapolis on

It may feel weird to you, but your boyfriend's ex is still the auntie as far as the kid is concerned. If the ex was well-liked by the others in the family, if she had her own kids or had a good relationship with any of her neices or nephews, it's unfair to ask that she give up the entire family because of divorce. That is really too much to put on the kids if she is close to them. I think it's also too early for your boyfriend to bring someone new, though I think it's awesome that you were invited. That's a REALLY big compliment!!

A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

It's annoying. But you're "new" if he's only been divorced 2 months, so you have to deal with it for now. New girlfriend sort of takes second stage to ex wife, even if one is present and one is past. Graciously decline the invite, just do things where the ex isn't around, and over time if you're still with him, and people have relationships with you, they'll start to not invite the ex. They are divorced, and sooner or later she needs to be not one of the family all the time anymore. I would NOT go. It's premature.

B.K.

answers from Chicago on

Would it have been better if they hadn't invited you? Because I'm sure they wouldn't consider NOT inviting the little girl's aunt, which is what your boyfriend's ex-wife is. Her aunt. I am divorced and my niece and nephew on my husband's side are a huge part of my life -- even if we're not blood related. I love them like we are.

I agree with other posters that the divorce is fairly recent, which might make things awkward, but does your boyfriend get along with his ex? Apparently the rest of the family does. If you stay with him, plan to learn how to attend these kinds of events gracefully. It was nice of them to invite you. After all, you're just the girlfriend, and a fairly recent one at that.

H.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

it just depends on the status of the ex's relationship and how comfortable you are. Do they get along or is it tense and painful for one or both of them? Are you still just getting to know him, or have thing progressed enough in two months that you know what to expect? The first meeting with the ex is going to be uncomfortable. You can do it now or you can do it latter. Base that on factors that no one here can help you with as we don't know the nature of the ex's relationship or yours to the new beaux. If you question is to ask if it is appropriate that you were invited, I don't know. Disregard these last statements if I'm misunderstanding your question, but If you are questioning the appropriateness of the ex sister-in-law being invited- who do you think you are? My daughter Aunties (my sisters-in law), are like second grandmas to my daughter. She adores them and they adore her. I'd be leaving out a new girlfriend any day before and auntie, because after all, the birthday is for the 4-year-old. Your statement: "forged a relationship" shows you may be a little out of touch. Divorce or no divorce, hello, the ex sister -in -law remains the Aunt.

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J.R.

answers from Davenport on

Absolutely no offense meant, BUT, when you are in a relationship with a person who is divorced, you ( and HE) are going to have to deal with the ex for a long long time ( a divorce doesn't erase the person from the face of the earth) - at family functions, and especially if there are any children form their union. So, if I were you, I would just make this the first step. If you were both invited, go, be civil if the ex is there, and start to forge a relationship with her, divorced, or not, she will always be a part of his life and past, and they might as well start to try to get over themselves and just BE decent people to other and to each other.

As for the appropriateness of the invite to her, it is their party, they can invite anyone they wish to. If your boyfriend feels HE needs some distance from the ex, he shouldn't EXPECT her to GIVE him distance, he should give himself distance if he needs it - if he can't be civil at a 4 year old's birthday full of family members, with one ex wife in the house, then he should skip the function.

JMHO

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A.M.

answers from Detroit on

If you two think the situation is awkward, then you probably shouldn't attend (with great apologies to the niece). I actually find it more inappropriate that a girlfriend is attending the birthday party of her boyfriend's niece. That seems a little wierd.

If you think running into the ex is awkward now, wait until you marry him, especially if you have future step-children (you didn't mention if there are children or not). If you do marry him, please don't EVER make the children (or the 4 year old niece) suffer because your boyfriend and his wife got a divorce. It is not their fault and they shouldn't have to worry about it. Frankly, neither should the adult relatives. For future situations, just remember, your boyfriend and his wife are the ones who chose to divorce, and you are the one choosing to date a divorced man. The choices you three have made should never be the source of stress and unpleasant situations for others. It was not their choice.

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