Not Pregnant, Now What?

D.:

You are not his sex slave or his live-in maid. You are his wife.

This man is an abuser. It's time to put a plan in motion and file for a divorce.

I know where you are right now. I know what you're going through. I understand the mental anguish you live with every single day. You know why I understand?

Because I was you.

This time last year, I was wondering what to do about my marriage. I knew it wasn't good, but couldn't believe leaving would be better. I worried about my 3-year-old, both about separating him from his father AND about the possibility of leaving him alone with his father. I worried about money, about being lonely, about a thousand different things ...

It's easy for people not in your shoes to say leave, get out, go to counseling, etc .... because they don't know how paralyzingly it is to be where you are.

But I'll tell you there's hope for you. The fact that you're here, reaching out, asking questions, show you're stronger than you realize. And one day, it'll all click for you that you're worth more than this and that you can handle whatever comes your way, and you'll pick up and do whatever it takes to create a better life for yourself and your child.

I know because I was you.

In July 2013, I filed for divorce. It hasn't been easy. I've been lonely, scared, broke, exhausted .... but so proud of myself for taking that step.

Just keep yourself open to the possibility that life doesn't have to be like this - that women do leave these situations and not only survive but thrive - and one day, you'll surprise yourself with what you're capable of.

Until that day, I'm wishing you peace, grace, courage and the strength needed to get through your day to day life.

You can't do a divorce to your son because he prefers his dad? So you are okay with teaching him that this is how you treat your wife and mother of your child? The man he idolizes is abusive to you and this is what your son will grow to be. You're okay with that?

Counseling and a plan.

ETA - the fact that your son "prefers" him doesn't mean he prefers him. It is not uncommon for abused children or children of abused parents to prefer the abuser - they see what can happen when the abuser is angry and they do their best to curry favor and gain approval to avoid being the target of the anger themselves.

Your marriage is different because your husband is abusive.

Yes it's scary to think about leaving because he has you beaten down.

And "great fathers" don't treat their child's mother this way.

Your son will thank you some day.

If you leave now you'll look back in 2 years and think "why didn't I do it sooner?"

It's like the proverbial band aid, my dear. Just rip that sucker off.

Do you want your son to become your husband? You are teaching him to be like his dad.

Get therapy for yourself if your husband won't do it for his family. You need to manage the anxiety and deal with this. Your fear, if you don't manage it, will screw your son more than a divorce will.

He's not lazy, he's an abusive bastard.

Of course your son "prefers" his dad. He sees who is in control and who has the power and has learned very early in his young life that you don't piss off a dictator. Your whole relationship is toxic for your son. Getting him out of there might be the best thing for him. Unlike a lot of women who contemplate divorce, you're already ahead of the game - you have your own income. Exactly *what* do you need this lazy, abusive guy for? Are YOU getting *anything* out of this marriage? You're doing everything around the house anyway, seriously, he's dead weight.

Imagine how much your anxiety will improve once you're removed yourself from his abusive grasp. And as far as being lonely...aren't you already kinda lonely right now? Without him, you'll have a lot more freedom to make new friends, try new activities, etc without his constant disapproval.

I just can't imagine staying in your situation. Save your son and save yourself from a lifetime of this. You both deserve better.

There is nothing magical that anyone can say or tell you that is going to fix your marriage. You have to make a decision - do you want to stay for the sake of your child and thereby TEACH your child to treat his wife this way? Or, do you want to do the hard thing and leave and TEACH your child that no one should be treated that way.

You will not live a lonely life if you divorce your hubby. You have your mother and your child and you can make new friends at work that you an actually socialize with since you'll be free of your controlling hubby and have some "adult time" when he's visiting his dad. Look around you - there are lots of divorced people and most of them have found peace and happiness since finding their freedom.

You can post on here forever, but I don't think anyone is going to tell you to suck it up and stay which seems to me what you want someone to do. This is YOUR decision and YOU have to make it.

www.youarenotcrazy.com

Sounds very familiar to me. I left my ex under rather similar circumstances. I'm so glad I did. Find an apartment, take half the money out of the bank account, take your son and file for divorce. You don't need this.

There's NOTHING to be afraid of if you go and divorce him. Think of what you have to be afraid of if you stay. Is HE the kind of man you want for your son's future wife?

ETA: Oh, and trust me....you won't be lonely. The feeling of utter peace and relief you'll have when you no longer feel like a prisoner in your own home, and you no longer have to be scared to even THINK, is AMAZINGLY wonderful. It will take time before you feel like yourself again, and I definitely suggest getting yourself into counseling, but in a few years you'll look back on this with utter disbelief that you allowed yourself to fall so far away from who you truly are.

If you need any advice from someone who has been there, done that, send me a message. I took half the money out of the accounts, got an apartment, a P.o. Box, a bank account, and my friends helped pack my up. When I walked out with a baby on my hip and a toddler by the hand, he was screaming at me that he was going to call the cops if I didn't get out of "his" house (which was in my name)....and he threw his shoe at me.

He emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. He terrorized me. He caused me to lose every bit of self esteem I ever had. He isolated me. He DID NOT love me....he wanted to OWN me. Sound familiar?

Never look back. You won't regret leaving.

1) Go to your Ob-Gyn and get a more reliable method of birth control.
2) Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). This is the national domestic violence hotline. They can help you find help - first in figuring out what you want for yourself and for your child. And then how to accomplish that.

ooh Thank God!!

Girl...you need to make a decision. NO ONE here can make that decision for you. It's like you want us to do this for you. We can't. This is your life...this is YOUR decision.

I've been married for 17 years this October. Has it been perfect? Oh heck! It's a roller coaster ride!! What's the difference between your marriage and mine?

1. My husband does NOT berate me and say mean things to me, if we don't have sex.
2. He has NEVER told me to leave if I don't like it.
3. He can control his anger - doesn't mean he doesn't have a bad day every once in a while - it means that it's rare when he takes his bad day out on me or our children.

You say you work full time and make as much as he does? Then set up a checking account and put your money in it. Then start looking for a good lawyer. Then find a counselor. You need to know you are worth more than this. I bet you rock at your job! And get told that frequently - but because your husband is a CLASS "A" JERK (insert swear word) you say "ahhh..no...I didn't do this right." Stop letting this man bring you down. PLEASE!!!

What are you missing? You are missing a MAN!! You are missing a PARTNER!!!

YOU CAN DO THIS!!! But the decision is YOURS to make. You will HAVE to make a decision to either leave or stay (sh$t or get off the pot). I GET being scared. I GET wondering if you can do it. I did it. I was living in Germany and I divorced my ex-husband and SURVIVED!!! I went on to have a BETTER marriage! A BETTER man and more kids!!

If your husband says there is nothing wrong with the marriage - then really? Why stay? Don't stay for your son. THIS is the example of marriage he's gonna get...do you REALLY want that for him??? I don't think so!!

Thank goodness you're not pregnant. You could leave this abusive jerk, but you CHOOSE to stay. Yes, it is your choice. Start researching your options, consult a lawyer.

Or you could stay and be his perfect wife. Or at least try. Submit to him in everything - especially when he wants sex. Keep that house clean and completely lose any sense of self you have. When he complains, you should agree and promise to do better. Tell him you'll quit your job to be his perfect spouse. See how that works out for you.

I would say good luck, but you need more than luck. No one and I mean no one is going to sweep in and "save" you from this situation because it sounds like that's what you are waiting for. You need to save yourself. If that means therapy to deal with your anxiety, you should start there.

Get some counseling for yourself.
It's clear your self confidence has been eroded/worn down by his constant verbal belittlement.
You are not what he says you are - you are much more than that - but you now doubt yourself - and you don't need to.
What happens if you complain about him?
Does he say anything or retaliate in any way?
Do NOT allow him to define you - YOU get to do that.

Who says you will be lonely if you divorce?
You don't have to be if you don't want to be.
You can date again or have a circle of girlfriends or take classes or enjoy a hobby or spend time at the gym, etc and so forth.
If your husband has document able anger issues (take notes every time he raises his voice, date/time what he says) and it's presented at a custody hearing it might make a difference on the custody arrangement - maybe force him into some anger management in order to have some custody of your son.
See what a lawyer says about it.
Talk to a womens shelter, get some legal advice, have your salary deposit into your own bank account (stop contributing to any joint accounts) and make a well planned out escape plan.
Make sure you have a good birth control in place - do NOT have any more kids with this man.
Yes a divorce would be stressful but at least the stress would eventually end.
It seems to me that your marriage is MORE stressful and staying in it means there is no end in sight until one of you dies from old age.
In the mean time, your child is learning what passes for normal in your day to day lives and eventually he/she will treat you just like your husband treats you - that will break your heart.
If you can't end your marriage for yourself, then end it for your child so he/she can learn better ways of handling relationships and will see that you can stand up for yourself and not tolerate being worn/beaten (verbally or otherwise) down.

1. Call a lawyer.
2. Leave.

Congratulations on no pregnancy. This is not a healthy home to bring another child into, and it's not a healthy place for you or your son to live. I was in a marriage much like what you describe. It was killing me, and beginning to affect my 8yo daughter in ways that killed me even more.

Talk to a women's shelter for advice and contacts. Get a lawyer – first consult is often free – and find out what your legal options are. Then ACT. This will not get better, and you'll lose yourself AND your son emotionally if it continues. Get a counselor to help you find out why you were attracted to this man, so you won't become the victim of another abuser. (Through counseling, I realized my mother's excessively controlling parenting had taught me how to be a compliant, abused wife.)

LIFE IS BETTER after leaving an abusive spouse. Way better. It can be hard and scary in the short run, but so worth it.

Oh wow, please read some of my recent questions and answers. I am divorcing my husband, who used to be "Mr. Wonderful". It has been difficult, but things are getting better day by day.

Your head is spinning and you are too close to the situation to see clearly. All I can say is that if you are staying in your marriage out of fear, you are eventually going to lose yourself entirely. And your son will treat you as poorly as your husband treats you. He will grow up to be emotionally abusive to any woman he is involved with.

Do any of your friends have a therapist they can recommend? I think these are things you need to talk through with a GOOD therapist who understands domestic violence. Emotional battery can be worse than physical battery in some respects. Don't even attempt marriage counseling unless/until you have established a good relationship with your own therapist.

The lonely life you will have to live? You are already living a lonely life. You just happen to be married right now. I am so sorry you are going through this. The future you always dreamed of will never happen as long as you are married to someone who didn't turn out to be the Prince Charming he pretended to be. Save yourself. Save your son. Then maybe you can entertain the thought of saving your marriage. But it won't be saved if your husband doesn't have respect for you.

i'm trying to figure out what about this situation would have been BETTER if you were pregnant. i'd be pouring libations and sending up prayers of thanks to have been spared further ties to this 'good man who loves you' but shouts at you, complains about you, treats you worse than most servants are treated, and is teaching your son that this is how men and women interact.
and this is better than a 'lonely life', which can be filled with friends, activities, adventures, and most of all, creating a great life for your son?
a 'stable' marriage with a nasty sloppy person would be better?
i just can't understand this pov at all, so don't know what to suggest.
i'm sorry. i hope it gets better.
khairete
S.

There is nothing YOU can do to make this marriage work, if HE doesn't feel there is anything wrong......

Do you really want your son to grow up with this "example" of a husband and father? Are you going to wait around until your "husband" starts picking on your son? Is this the life you REALLY want for your son?

For yourself, you need to get yourself in therapy......maybe that will help you understand more about yourself and your anxiety.

You are letting him control you. You need help. Find a counselor. Get your groove back.

You can do this without him. I am sure it is scary. I have never had to take care of me and a child on my own. What I don't get is why you can't see just what you can accomplish...

I've been married for 26 years. I can't imagine my life without Tyler. Not only is he a great father, he's a great husband. I'm not bragging, sorry. You deserve better than this. I can't imagine Tyler telling me "why do I keep you".

I don't believe you will live a lonely life at all. I believe that once you drop this excess baggage, you will be renewed and you will see the world as your oyster.

What you are missing is a marriage. I commitment. Mutual respect. I have not walked a mile in your shoes, not even a step, so I don't know your fear and anxiety. Please don't let fear stop you from making the best of your life and getting the best of everything. You and your son deserve happiness.

I do think you dodged one BIG bullet, not being pregnant now--that would be the last thing you need. As a side thought, you might want to make sure you are on very reliable birth control, to make sure you stay that way.

Based on your earlier posts, it seems clear to me (and several other people who wrote comments) that the key issue in your marriage is not your husband being 'lazy' or household tasks. The issue is that your husband treats you with total disrespect. His comment "Why do I keep you for?" says it all. We keep animals or machines, not people. From what you have said, he yells abusive things at you, demands sex, and demeans you in front of others. Remember, your son is learning how to treat people (including a future spouse) from what he sees at home NOW. There is evidence that seeing someone else (especially someone you love) hurt is even more traumatizing than being hurt oneself, and that is what is happening to your son. He must be terrified and dreadfully confused, watching his father rage and yell at his mother. Neither you nor your son should live with this stress.

I think you yourself know that the relationship cannot continue in its current way. Neither of you should be in a state where you are ready to raise your voices at each other on a regular basis. If your husband truly values you and your relationship, he will need to get counseling and learn how to deal with his anger appropriately without abusing you and others. It really looks like he will not decide to do that until you are living in separate households.

I do understand that you might see the good and the person you married in your husband, however he has to start BEHAVING that way, and if he can't, you need to take yourself and your son out of the situation. In the long run, it will be less stressful and infinitely healthier. Loneliness? What do you have now? Isn't it just fear and isolation? Once you are away from him (even if your son needs to go visit him sometimes), you will see that the current situation is causing your stress and anxiety and loneliness. Wishing you strength and good fortune for making the necessary changes.

Every minute you allow this man to stay in your home, tells him you are fine with the way he treats you.

This is why he has not changed.
You are enabling this behavior.

What do you deserve?
Do you deserve to be happy?
Do you deserve to be heard with no bullying or mocking?
Do you deserve a home where everyone is allowed to voice their opinion without worry?
Do you deserve children that grow up understanding what a good and happy marriage is?
Do you deserve to be able to make your own decisions?

These are what typical marriages and families have and deserve.

D., you are a grown woman, you are a mother, you are a wife.
You deserve to be loved unconditionally.
That is what married people feel and do.

How to reach these goals?
Your choices.

Have him begin marriage counseling and you also go to therapy by yourself.

If he refuses, ask him to leave and tell him you want a separation until he begins counseling. If he refuses, tell him you have no other choice than to have him leave and get a formal separation. He is the one with the problem and you are enabling him by allowing his treatment of you to continue.

You can put a stop to this today. It will take a heart to heart conversation. This should take place in a public space so that he will have to behave. You need to stick to your needs and not settle for less. Your life is dis functional at this point. Make list so you do not get lost or forget anything.

It takes both people to make a marriage work. If one is not willing, what is the point?

And for goodness sakes, do not stay in a marriage for the children, that is not a burden they should have to carry, believe me, they know exactly what is going on and at this point probably think you are fine with it!

One more thing. Tell your parents that you are not pleased that your husband speaks poorly of you in front of them. That you are going to tell him to NEVER do this again. And if he does, you want them to speak up to him and tell him, to cut it out it is not appropriate because you are also going to tell him to stop.

Get it together. You deserve to be happy and comfortable around your husband. Remember when your children leave your home, you will live the rest of your life with this man. If you do not see that in your future, get out now. Quit wasting your life with him.

Get counseling, for yourself if he won't go. He is NOT a good man who loves you if you live on eggshells. My SS told my DH "but you and mom don't fight that much" and DH knew he had to make a change because he did not want his child growing up thinking that was normal. A good man doesn't humiliate you in front of others. He doesn't shut you down when you want to bring up an issue. You need to look at what this is teaching your son.

Divorce is not easy, cheap or fun. But sometimes it is the best solution to a bad situation.

There are a lot of people whose marriages look stable on the outside. But they're not as stable as you think. You need to not worry about anyone else. You need to worry about you. You are being verbally and emotionally abused.

Easier saying then doing but girl "leave" prayers to you to do the right thing.