"Marriage Question"

I think every Friday night is too much! You should have a date night for everytime he goes to the movies- make it equal. It should be balanced.

At least you are big enough to admit that you are a very jealous person, about your Husband.

1) Jealousy as you probably know, can REALLY undermine ANY kind of relationship. So it's best to curb this. Work on yourself.

2) there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, when you are married. BUT you have to trust each other. Bottom line. My husband has all kinds of friends, and male/female, AND I know them too, and he is always open with me. He asks me to go out with them, and sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't want to. It's totally cool. It's no problem.

3) Jealousy can REALLY be a BIG drag for the other person... nothing they do will be good enough to satisfy 'you.' Even if he had NO female friends, but still went out with his buddies...there would STILL be a problem. Because he is going out, and you don't want him too.

4) The other person at the end of someone's jealousy, will often find "excuses" not to be around you... because it is simply no fun and not enjoyable at all. MAYBE this is why your Husband can "find time" to go out with his buddies, but not you. Going out with his friends is an "escape." A Man who is not happy at home (for whatever reason- legitimate or not) will tend to "not" want to be at home...

5) Tell him how you feel, in a nice way. But I'm sure he already knows of your great jealousy and possessiveness toward him.

6) ANY PERSON has the right to have friends and go out with them. They, as a spouse, also has the responsibility to be fair & respectful to their spouse and to make them & their family a priority. Since your Husband does NOT do this, then speak to him about it.... but if it ALWAYS goes back to how you want him "all to yourself..." and for him NOT to have social outings... then you will not solve this. To expect theses things of him, is unfair. It is just not cool.

7) Yes, I agree that for you to want your husband ALL to yourself in THIS manner, and along with your jealousy... is a problem. It will undermine any kind of "joy" he has in the household.... because this is a factor that must taint ALL conversations or actions on his part.

8) even if he did NOT have any friends or NEVER went out with anyone.... would you be TRULY satisfied? If not, then you must seek outside help in handling your issues. Take responsibility for it.
Can you really see yourself being "happier" if your Husband stayed home 24/7 & had no social life & had no friends & had no one & just sat at home everyday?

9) How about when you/hubby/kids are out in public? Do you watch him with an eagle eye? Do you get on his back if he inadvertently looks at a female, by accident? Do you feel SECURE and CONFIDENT in yourself, that you can chalk it up to NORMAL everyday behavior? Does your "jealousy" permeate EVERYTHING your Husband does? If so, maybe you need some sort of counseling...

10) Or, can your 'jealousy' simply be because you don't have any outings or social occasions to go out, like he does? You BOTH need to talk about it.... sensibly and fairly.

I think, it's a LOT OF PRESSURE on your Husband, to have to behave this way, under the stress of "jealousy." This sort of thing, is something that can really make the other person just totally unhappy.

How does your Husband respond to your jealousy? I'm sure it's irritating to him at the least. Usually a person tries to appease the other person or indulge in them, then they get frustrated, then perhaps irritated and maybe angry... then they must feel hopeless because the "problem" is always there and it's not even their fault in the first place. Then, maybe like your Husband, they go out so they don't have to be home and deal with it all the time. Because when they are home, it's just not enjoyable.

I think, unless your Husband is really a "jerk"...then you have nothing to worry about. Then the 'issue' of jealousy' is for you to handle and control.... think about the BIG picture... how it impacts your Husband, your children, and your family life....being with a "jealous" person is really a drag. Think about how your actions impact their right to happiness.

I once went out with someone who had BIG jealousy issues. Nothing to do with me. It was just him and his problem. I stopped going out with him. It was just too much of a mental game. Everyone even "warned" me about him... then I learned the hard way. I'm so glad I never took the relationship further.

All the best,
Susan

Cloe,
I couldn't agree more with what Susan H. has already said to you. You really need to work on youself and why you feel jealousy so strongly. I consider myself a jealous person too, but have worked very hard to not let it rule my relationship with my husband. I can't tell you enough how much peace of mind I gain, when I tell myself to let go of those jealous thoughts. It doesn't help when there are others who encourage or instegate jealousy. For example, my sister has repeatedly told me over the years; be careful there are women out there who don't care if a man is married. They will flirt with him and be nice to him until they have the opportunity to touch him and eventually become romantic with him. My husband works in an industry where looks are very important, so there are plenty of attractive women around him during his working hours. My response to my sister's well intentions is that there is no amount of worrying or spying or distrusting my husband that is going to stop any of that. My husband is the only that can stop any unwanted advances, not me. In addition, any nagging I do or complaining I may do will only make me unattractive to him, so I made a decision to be a happy person when around my husband. In return he is always very accommodating to my feelings and asks to do or go places that make me happy. You see ( I hope isn't too abstract) just about everything is a reflection of your inner thoughts if you look for bad things to happen, they will, and on the positive side if you look for the good in things then good things will happen and you will be happier and live with peace of mind.
You definitely have a lot of soul searching to do and are in need of repairing your relationship with your husband. It is however, very important that you work on yourself first so that you will be stronger emotionally and have the right words to say when you do have that heart to heart conversation with you husband. Once the air between you two is cleared up, then I also agree with (I think is was michelle's suggestion) the schedule for going out, alternating a weekly night out. My husband gets to have time for himself for his volleyball league and for watching sports. I don't take time for myself, although it is there for me if I want it. I just don't feel like I want it because it is time away from my precious little one. And so far there hasn't been anything worth doing without her.
Good luck to you.

I am also surprised that you just found out he was doing this because this is not a normal work thing maybe lunch because we all have to eat and everyone pays their own but the weekly movie thing sounds weird. I am also surprised that you just found out she was in his circle of friends. I know and meet with all my husbands friends even from work. Even though they may do guy things every so often and a guy may bring his girl I know what he is doing and with who and vice versa just because we talk to each other not because we snoop or need to know. If he is such good friends with her to go to the movies and share expenses of lunch and a movie and a snack after they just ate lunch then maybe you should become good friends with her so she can babysit your kids monthly so you can have a date every month with your husband. Show him these responses so he doesn't try to make you feel you are crazy or jealous that it is normal to be upset about this. I really think you need to find a couple of great teen girls who you can use so you can set up weekly date nights even just a quick dinner or a walk or working out or a movie just an hour or two will bring you back closer together were you know each other more. When our kids were younger and we didn't have a sitter I would feed the kids put them down before our dinner and set up 2 TV trays in our bedroom with candles and flowers and we would have our own private dinner date you have to work on your relationship and be creative. Best of luck to you.

Jealousy usually isn't a good thing. But that's not what concerns me most about your post.

How did you just find out? Did he finally tell you? I find it odd that you didn't know about it from the start. What did you think he was doing during the times that he was at the movies? Did he tell you he was working? Did you assume he was working? Was he purposely hiding it from you? Communication is important in a marriage.

If he didn't tell you because he knew you'd be jealous, then I can see that, but it doesn't make it right. Every Friday does seem a bit excessive especially since you have two small children. I know you said you don't go on "dates", but do you guys have "family time" as often as that?

You two definitely need to have a heart to heart if he's wanting to spend more time with other people than with you and the family. Just keep in mind that keeping him all to yourself isn't healthy either. He shouldn't be punished for having friends.

being jealous is a drag for you and him. But honestly, my husband would NEVER socialize this often and leave me behind. This seems off. My husband often did diner with coworkers. A few of them were young intelligent beautiful women. I kept my jealousy to myself because I trust my husband and know that he needed to create repore with his staff. I also knew that he prefered to have me there whenever possible. Time alone with friends and coworkers is fine, but if you feel he perfers their company to yours, you have reason to be jealous. He still needs to be dating you. It would be better to save the money for a baby sitter and do a movie once a month with you than to go every week with others. It sounds fishy. Its strange that you said you didn't know up front but found out he was doing this. I always know exactly what my husband is up to because he tells me - ALWAYS. You said you suspect he perfers their company to yours. That would break my heart. You may want to do a self invertory though of why that may be. I know it is controversial but seriously, read Dr. Laura Slesingers book on "the proper care and feeding of husbands." It may be his problem and nothing you are doing, but I think even the best of wives can glean a helpful hint or two from this book. Best of luck.

It's not about jealousy, it's about protecting your marriage. I would not like it if my husband was going out weekly with any other woman. There are lots of women out there that don't care if a man is married. They find that attractive. It's bad enough they spend all day with these people and away from their family. Spending extra time, means trouble. This is how affairs get started. Mind you this doesn't happen all the time, but why chance it? If you were to read up on marriage advice and how affairs get started, spending extra time with people, going on trips, being alone together, finding things in common is asking for trouble. I know of too many people that have had affairs with colleagues. Several years ago we went out with a bunch of his work friends for a good bye party for one of the girls. Let me tell you I could have killed the slut. She was flirting with my husband right in front of me! I couldn't believe it. She was married too. I later found out that it wasn't my imagination and that she flirted with all the men in the office. What a disrespectful slut. Still ticks me off when I think about it. So glad she moved away. My husband has several friends that are women he has worked with, are married and I'm also friends with. We've been friends for many years. I don't have problems with them and if they all went to lunch together, there was no problem. So there's a difference.
I make sure that I go see my husband at work often and always show my support for him. We're lucky we have family that can babysit and are able to get out often.
Be honest and open with your husband. Communication is so important. He needs to respect your feelings and your marriage, no one else should come before his family and wife. Set date nights with your husband. Get a babysitter. Also, there's a theater near Ontario, I believe that actually have a babysitting service. You drop your kids off while you go watch the movie. Several of our friends go there. I will get the name for you. Good luck and I hope it all works out.

Cloe,

It does seem odd that every Friday your hubby gets to go with his co-workers to the movies...female receptionist or not! However, adding that to the mix makes it even stranger.

I think that jealousy lives in ALL of us, it's whether we choose to let it rear it's head and consume our lives. I personally, don't have a lot of female friends and seem to get along better with guys...however, when I was with my ex it used to bug the heck out of me when he'd hang out with female friends, who WE both knew had expressed an interest in dating him. So, that was one of the nails in OUR relationship's coffin...however, HE saw nothing wrong with it and WE butted heads on it often. It was a point of conention, and we didn't talk we just fought...not that it's the only reason he's an ex but, it was a strong sore point for me.

When in any relationship I think these things should be talked about. It's fine for your husband to have a 'circle of friends', and to have 'female friends' but there are lines that HAVE to be drawn. If you aren't getting any 'couple' time then I would say this is a bit of an issue. Why does he get to hang out with his friends every Friday and you guys don't have a date night?

My suggestion as a third party observer, would be to sit down with your hubby and calmly explain to him that you miss having quality time with him...get out a calendar and ask him if you two can plan a date night together. Make it an effort on both your parts, so that he's not being attacked but like you're asking for his help on this one. Try to get out together at least once a month, and maybe even plan a night away at a local hotel or something. It's worth a shot. Also, someone suggested family time...not a bad idea either, if he is having more time with friends than you guys as family.

I don't blame you for wanting him ALL to yourself, but you don't want to suffocate or push him away with trying to micro-manage any aspect of your lives together.

Good Luck.

Deanna

Jealousy can be destructive to a relationship. However, the fact that your husband is going out every Friday with these 'co-workers' and you just found out about it, seems a little questionable. If he is going out on a regular basis with mixed company, then he should include you in the plans. If the two of you can't make it, then perhaps he should rethink his priorities and spend the evening with his family.

One a week is too much, but you and him should go out once a week or every other week. As long as he is not out with the female and no one else, I would not worry, but make sure he is not just saying that and that it's not just him and her. I would not be okay with that. Try this:
First Fri of month: You go out with a friend
2nd Fri of month: You and hubby go out together
Third Fri: He goes out with friends
Fourth Fri: You and hubby go out together

All I want to say is that I am not at all a jealous person, but THIS WOULD bother me! Personally, I think I would be more "jealous" of the quality time he spends with his co-workers that could be spent with YOU instead!!
I think you should let him know how you feel, but do it "gently" so that he doesn't need to get all defensive and then just tune you out...
Good luck!

D.,

Well I know where you are coming from, when you say, it seems like he has more fun with his friends than his family.

I would recommend that you tell him how you feel but in a gentler way... Also, be sure to not accuse or point fingers.

The jealousy thing, I would recommend you work with yourself and start dealing with those feelings. They are obviously steming from somewhere. (Odd thing is that my husband, gets a bit upset b/c I'm not generally the jealous type)--weird, huh? Seriously speaking, you don't want to push him away by always being jealous... It's not a good thing.

Try hard to find someone close to you that can help watch the kids, 2-3 times a month to make sure that you all have the same fun, he is having without you. Also, if you need to, go on dates, where its kid friendly and you all have a great time too.

Be creative and definitely, discuss with him.

C. B.