Before I met my husband I became friends with a guy at church. We were both taking the same course at the church and would go to lunch in the same group. Once in a while we would lunch together if no one else was available. Both of us were single, but completely not attracted to one another in any way. More of a "brother-sister" vibe. We shared some interests but most of our conversations were about religion and our class. After the class was over I'd say we "hung out" maybe 2 or 3 times a year outside of church, and usually we both brought a date. We would call each other once in a while (maybe once every few months) sometimes for advice, sometimes to catch up. We never flirted with one another or made teasing remarks, we've never had that kind of relationship.
He moved across the country a few years ago. So we keep in touch over the phone every few months or so. I got married and have been for several years and he is engaged to a wonderful woman.
My friendship with "Joe" upsets my husband. He is convinced that Joe would never want to be my friend unless he had "ulterior motives." Whenever Joe calls he gets so upset! My conversations with Joe usually last maybe 20 minutes? I've tried not mentioning his phone calls, but then I feel like I'm hiding something and I do not hide things from my husband.
Joe and I could have had plenty of opportunities to date, but frankly neither one of us ever made a move in that direction. I'm not attracted to him in that way and he has never indicated that he's attracted to me. It's not like we used to date and it didn't work out and we're still friends. It's not like he asked me out and I turned him down or vice versa. I could understand if either one of those happened that my husband would have grounds for jealousy. I also don't talk to Joe about anything I would not talk to my husband about so it's not like he's my confidante. I'm even comfortable talking to Joe in front of my husband. I go to my room and shut the door when I talk with my girl friends!!
My husband is my #1 and I never want to hurt him. Still, I think he's being unfair about Joe. He lives across the country, is going to be married, I'm married and we don't talk that often.
Should I just stop talking to Joe, talk to Joe but don't tell my husband unless he asks, or tell my husband to get over it?
Wow, thanks for all the varied responses! It has given me new things to think about.
My husband knew Joe from church because he went to the same church. He did come up and visit once and we all went out. His fiancee has a daughter the same age as my husband's daughter and they became instant friends. They are still pen-pals and they send each other stuff and email all the time. Sometimes they talk on the phone. My husband is okay with this!!
My husband has trust issues since his ex wife cheated on him. My husband does not have female friends but he doesn't have that many friends at all. He does have clients for work, and he goes to their HOUSES and most of his clients are female! He sees them many times a week, they tell him all their problems while he's training them and some of them buy him gifts for Christmas. I could be ragingly jealous of that, but it doesn't bother me.
A while ago we did see a minister from our church about it and he advised my husband to move past it because my husbands jealousy was not a reason to hurt Joe and me. He advised me not to "flaunt" my friendship with Joe, there's no need to talk about it in front of my husband since I could see it upset him. But also to be truthful and not hide anything. He asked my husband if making me get rid of Joe was worth the resentment I would feel toward him. He asked me if my friendship with Joe was worth upsetting my husband. He mostly made us think and we were okay for a long time on it.
I think I'll make an appointment to talk to the minister again. Joe is not worth upsetting my husband, but I know I would resent being forced to give him up as a friend. I'd have to hurt Joe's feelings, as his fiancee has no problems with me, in fact, we've talked an emailed many times. It would mean his daughter might have to give up correspondence with Joe's soon-to-be stepdaughter. I'd have to cut ties with everyone out there! To do that because of my husband's unfounded jealousy doesn't seem worth it, but I think he needs to hear that from someone else other than me. Thanks to whoever suggested it!
He's being unfair and needs to get over it. I think you're absolutely in the right to have Joe as a friend. If he had breasts as opposed to 'stones', this wouldn't be an issue. That is the ONLY difference.
I think its too easy for everyone to say "the friendship should not bother your husband", but it DOES bother him weather everyone thinks it should or not. Weather you understand why, or agree with him, the truth is it makes him uncomfortable. How would you feel if he was doing something that made you uncomfortable and he told you "just get over it". That would not be fair of him to do to you, so its not fair for you to do that to him. How many wives on here are posting about things that their husbands do that they can't stand, but the husband won't change it? LOTS. And we all gang up on the husbands and tell the wife "I would not put up with that! He needs to change".
I think if this friendship makes your husband upset, then you need to end the friendship. You took vows to "forsake all others". To me, "forsaking all others" mean that nobody comes before your spouse. Your husband comes first. You say your husband is your #1 and you never want to hurt him. But you ARE hurting him by continuing to do something that upsets him. Is this friendship really worth more to you than your husband's happiness?
You do what you think is right. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.
Your husband needs to stop being so insecure and grow up. My husband and I both have exs and what not on our facebook and we chat with them and thing nothing more of it. Heck, we are even friends with some of each other's exs!!!
Your husband is the one with the problem He is insecure about your relationship and doesn't have reason to be. That said, ask him what he would prefer---he can either not like you talking to him but you still do--or he can be out of the loop and you still talk to "joe' but he doesn't hear about it. Either way, he should respect you enough and trust you enough to make your decisions about friends. Especially since no boundaries have been crossed with the two of you and it is purely friendship. Nothing wrong with that!
M
I have many male friends, and my husband has many female friends. And here's the thing -- your husband doesn't need to trust Joe and his motives. Your husband only needs to trust _you_. If your husband is sure that you are not interested in anyone other than him, then what does it matter? You know that Joe is not interested, but your husband doesn't. If I were you, instead of getting into the "he's not interested..." "yes he is!" argument, I would sit down and have a discussion with your husband about trust in your relationship, and about how regardless of anyone else desiring you, hitting on you, whatever, you are only interested in him and him alone, and that you would never allow anything to happen with anyone else. Once he realizes that he doesn't need to trust Joe, whom he doesn't know, but merely needs to trust you, then your friendship with Joe would probably be much less of a concern.
The simple answer is that if it is important to your husband, then yes, you should lose the friend. My husband and I had a no-contact rule when we got married- that we would lose all friends of the opposite sex. We had had spouses cheat in the past and we agreed that this is what would make us most comfortable. As time has passed, those "rules" have changed some, but only with conversations between the two of us.
If I were your husband, I would be more worried about the closed-door conversations with your female friends, personally!!
Here's the thing... there really is no such thing as a completely platonic relationship b/w a man and a woman except for a few rare circumstances, none of which apply to you. I'm not making this up... I assisted with a large-scale research grant in college that looked into it. It turns out "Harry and Sally" were correct- men and women cannot be "just friends".
If this relationship bothers your husband, then end it. It's simple- you don't want to drive a wedge b/w you and your husband and he has told you that this relationship makes him uncomfortable so end it. In all reality, whether Joe made a move or not... he wanted to. Period and your husband knows it.
Do not, under any circumstances hide communication from your husband. Some men are not comfortable with cross-sex relationships and you need to respect that. If the situation were reveresed, how would you feel?
I would lose the friend. I expect my husband to drop female friends I am not comfortable with and after a long drawn out argument he always does. I do not have many male friends, and the ones I do have rarely call and if they come to visit we all go out to dinner. I agree everyone can have friends, but if the relationship is making your husband uncomfortable and he has told you that, I'm not ure why you are hesitating.
Just because you don't have an attraction to Joe now doesn't mean that at a later date you wouldn't... Things change over time & if you form an emotional bond with this man then he could possibly be someone that you confide in about your marriage & then you are going down a slippery slope. Your marriage should be protected at all costs & if that means cooling off a friendship with someone who lives across the country then so be it. Put yourself in your husbands shoes...
I haven't read the other responses, but here's my two cents:
If I didn't have any male friends, I'd have very few friends. I just get along much better with guys, as a general rule. And I have always always been loyal to my husband. I think that your husband needs to get over it.
Tell your husband to get over it. One of my best friends of 17 years is male, but my husband has never once been jealous of him. I think your husband is just being insecure. Perhaps he has never had a female friend with having other motives, but these types of friendships happen all the time. If you give in and stop talking to Joe, who will the jealously be over next time?
You haven't done anything wrong, and Joe sounds great, but you listed all the things he "isn't" yourself. Meaning, sad as it is, he's not necessary and not worth making your husband upset. Sounds like your husband A) has had inappropriate friendships in the past making his alarm go up (my hubs did NOT like my upstairs neighbor friend in Brooklyn when we were dating-found out later he used to cheat on his ex girlfriend with is neighbor so thought all neighbors were shady trysts) or B) has been cheated on in the past. or C) could just be insecure and find it inappropriate. Doesn't matter. His feelings come first.
Be SURE that he holds himself to the same standards and ditches any and all similar female friends if he's going to demand this. Keep things fair.
Even though he seems wrong on this, I know how bad it hurts when spouses refuse to ditch the old friends even if you explain how it hurts and they are supposed to be putting you first and they don't. I have lots of old friends I don't have any more. I actually reconnected with one-totally innocent-and could tell his wife was uncomfortable with me, so I quit corresponding out of respect. People get married and move on.
Until you hash this out with your husband completely, about being a religious person of morals who never caused his jealousy or did anything with Joe, stay clear of Joe, just to prove to your husband he comes first.
If you really respect your hubs on this, let him know you honored his feelings and told Joe you couldn't talk anymore on his account, he may be so pleased, you can revisit Joe's friendship one day.
I agree with the other gals who have already answered this question
It is too bad that your friend doesn't live nearby so that you could somehow foster a friendship between you, your husband, your frind and his fiancee. Sometimes it is "fear of the unknown" that is the hardest thing to overcome.
I would also be concerned about the general jealousy and mistrust that I see being displayed by your husband. Have you ever given him reason to mistrust you? I had this issue with my husband for years and years, his first wife had been horribly unfaithful to him...and he was somehow painting ME with the same brush that his wife was painted with...he figured I was going to be unfaithful to him sooner or later...and he was just waiting to "catch me at it ".
Don't lie to your husband...that just feeds his insecurity and jealousy....maybe a neutral 3rd party could be a good way for the two of you to talk this out...your pastor or a counselor.
Ultimately..if all of the steps you take to try and make this situation work, fail to make your husband comfortable...you are going to have to ask yourself which is more important to you....your friendship with Joe or your marriage.
You may have to tell Joe "You and I both know that our friendship is completely above board and innocent but my husband is very uncomfortable with it, so I am going to have ask you to respect his wishes and understand how difficult this situation is for me. I am so sorry and I will hate not having you as a part of my life but my marriage is of paramount importance to me".
What a jealous control freak. Your husband needs help. This will move from one situation to the next if you do what he wants. Jealousy is a very negative character trait.
He's also got lack of trust. Best to get him into therapy. He'll not like a woman friend and ask you not to see her. No more night classes you might meet someone. and so on.
Lose the friend. My husband and I have talked this over a lot because we both had friends of the opposite sex before we married. My husband will tell you that NO man is just friends with a woman. Whether anything was acted on or not, that man has at some point thought of the relationship being more. My "best friend" told another that if he had known I was really serious about getting married he would have done something about it before I did. He kicked himself for not pursuing me.....
Family Christmas cards and reunions are fine but phone calls can be too intimate.Tell your friend it bothers your husband. He, soon to be married, is sure to understand!
God bless,
M.
I would be concerned about his jealousy. Today he's jealous of Joe. Not talking with Joe will not end your husband's jealousy. I suggest that your husband will be jealous of any friendship with a man. The issue is trust.
I would be angry with my husband if he were to ask me to end a friendship. I would not end it. I suggest counseling with the goal of building trust. Perhaps you can talk with your pastor about it and the two of you get started in counseling with the pastor or someone else.
I have not read the other answers and you have may of them already. Excuse me, if I repeat some.
I have a very good friend, and her marriage just ended. She had a Joe, too. She saw him and talked to him about as often as you do...probably less. There was never an attraction between them, just fiends, he moved across the country, they talked fro small periods of time, etc. VERY similar to your relationship. She got married after she met this friend, too. Her husband was never OK with it. a year after they married, "Joe" came into town. They had an affair.I know before then their wasn't an attraction. It changed. They slept together. What I'm saying is...things changed. Neither of them suggested or forced it on the other, it just happened. You never know when one of you develops an attraction. It IS POSSIBLE, even for wonderful people to do this. My friend is an amazing woman and loved her husband dearly. They really didn't have any problems in their marriage, until the affair. Now, she's divorced and is ashamed.
My friend is (sadly) not the only example of this I've seen. I've seen it in my church, in my family, in friend's families. They all had a "Joe," or female equivalent. They weren't always physical affairs, they were also many times only emotional affairs. Which destroy marriages just as badly. My husband don't have friends of the opposite sex. We are friends with single people of the same sex, or couples.We NEVER hang out with alone, or talk with alone (purposefully) people of the opposite sex. Why? To safeguard our marriage. To protect the vows we made and to set ourselves up for success. I have seen this WAY too many time, for a chance to even be worth it. SO...yes, we both dropped a friend or two after marriage. It was worth it. My life, is not lacking without them. 5 years later I don't regret it. We have a wonderful marriage, that we protect at all costs. When we took our vows, that was a promise we made to each other...to put the spouse first. This Joe, is already causing problems in your marriage. How is he worth it? Drop your friend and put your husband and his feelings first.
If you're doing anything that is causing insecurity in your hubby, you should probably take a hard look at what it is, and if it's worth problems in your marriage, keep it. If not, get rid of it. I hear you continually talk about how you "only" hung out 3 times per year, how your phone conversations are "only" 20 minutes long, "only" every few months.....you get the point. What I'm saying is, if your interactions with Joe are so infrequent, he doesn't seem like he should be all that hard to let go of. If I were you, and my hubby was feeling unfavorable toward the dituation, honestly I'd have to say SEE YA to the other guy. It isn't worth a marriage, at least to me it's not. If Joe is such a good friend, then he should also have no problem doing this also, if he knows it is cause for potential problems for you and your hubby.
I know from first-hand experience that men and women can just be friends and have a strictly platonic relationship - I've been friends with this one guy since we were 14, we are both married with kids of our own, and like you, I feel like he is more of a brother than anything. We used to talk on the phone all the time, until we got more seriously involved with other people and then married, and now with the kids, it's not like either of us has the time to talk much on the phone to anyone.
I would agree that it sounds like your hubby is just being insecure and can't seem to wrap his head around the fact that you guys can just be friends and have nothing else going on between you. It would be nice if you could just sit down with him and reassure him that it's strictly friendship but he may or may not choose to believe it. You do need to ask yourself if it is really worth it to have phone conversations from time to time if it's going to cause arguments between you and your husband. I don't think you should drop the friendship by any means, but maybe limit the communication to e-mails that hubby does not need to be aware of and that's it. I don't believe in doing anything in secret and that would appear like something you are trying to hide from your spouse, but sometimes it's just not worth the hassle when you know there's nothing to be concerned about, and the issue is more him than you.
EDITED TO ADD: After reading some of the other answers, I wonder how your hubby would respond if you asked him if he has any female friends himself that are just strictly friends and if he's ever felt anything more toward them, or if he thinks that men and women can be good friends with nothing else between them. DH is friends with a woman that he was friends with before meeting me and they've always just been friends - I've been friends with her now too, and sometimes her and him just chat on the phone, while her and I keep in touch on Facebook. We are also friends with another married couple that he's been friends with since he was married to his first wife, and now they are my friends too (hubby and I have been together 10 years so that's how long his friends have been my friends). Sometimes I know DH just wants to talk with the wife because she would always talk to him when he needed someone to talk to when he was going through his divorce and in a way I appreciate it because sometimes he listens to her better than he listens to me, and he takes what she says better, whereas with me he tends to get all defensive sometimes. Point being is that I have never had a reason to be jealous of either of them, and if DH ever got jealous of a friendship I had with another man, I would just point out that I don't get jealous of his opposite-sex friendships and he does not need to to get jealous of mine. I am also not suggesting you lie to your husband about anything - just that sometimes it's easier not to say anything (if you decide to e-mail instead of talk onm the phone) because while you might not be doing anything wrong, again, it's not worth the grief they give you sometimes over something so small and stupid. I am probably not explaining it well, but for me it's like when I tell DH that I'm going out because I need to get some things from Walmart, and I do go to Walmart, but also decide to do some quick fun shopping at another store and I don't tell him about it - because if I told him I just wanted to go out to do some quick fun shopping, he would say something negative about it. Not saying that he's right, because he isn't, but sometimes it is what it is. If you really are not doing anything wrong, they don't have to know everything.
I would talk to both of them about the situation. I have male co-worker I am pretty good friends with. I really like him and knew my husband would have a lot in common with him, and now he actually is over at our house for dinner almost once a week. My kids adore him, we've even joked about introducing him to my SIL, and he's just a really great, Christian guy. I still go for walks with him on my lunch breaks once in a while, and he has gone out to a movie with my husband when I was out of town for a conference. I think when you have an opposite gender friend who is not a mutual friend it can become awkward, especially if your husband is not used to that kind of relationship. I agree that he is being a little over-the-top, but if he has never experienced that on the other end, it is understandable.
My husband has several female friends, some still single, that he keeps in regular touch with. I sometimes remind him if its been a while since he's given them a call and that he should see how they're doing, and when they're in the area they will visit here. One of them he was friends with from high school but only online and has never met (but I've met her! He still envies me for that!). I guess I would suggest pursuing a friendship with Joe's fiancee and see if your husband and Joe might be interested in becoming acquainted. That seems to help keep things open if someone is not comfortable. Otherwise, I would be honest with Joe about your husband's discomfort with the friendship and just decide if it is worth it to you to lose contact to keep your husband comfortable. Whatever you do, try to make it keep things open with your husband. This is an awkward and very gray area and the two of you might benefit from some facilitated/counselled conversation since it sounds like there are some deeper issues for your husband. :(
You have a choice, your marriage or Joe's friendship. The choice is that simple. Since Joe lives far there really isn't another option of introducing them in a couple's situation. Joe being a good friend may be hurt but in the end as a true friend he would hopefully support that your marriage is more important. It is right? Then you know what to do.
Just curious, have you told Joe how your husband feels about your friendship? If Joe has any respect for your husband and your marriage he would and should just let the friendship go.
Some suggest your husband is controlling but I don't think he is because he doesn't get bent out of shape when you close the door to speak with the girlfriends.
Honor/respect your husband and let your friendship with Joe go. Is this friendship worth risking your marriage? Understand that you don't know what you don't know and you really don't know what the future holds but I do know it can be a very dangerous thing to have close friends of the opposite sex because of human nature and attraction.
Can I offer the other perspective? My husband was casual friends with a girl. They mostly communicated on-line and talked hockey and kids. Well, I started to notice that her messages were getting a little 'too' friendly and I brought it up to my husband (yes, he knew I read the messages - he showed them to me as well as his). I told him their communications made me uncomfortable and he cut it off immediately.
Now, I felt a little silly and insecure about making an issue out of it, but the way my husband responded really made me feel like I was the most important thing (which I believe a spouse *should* be). I know he doesn't resent me for it and doesn't miss her at all. I also know that she's tried to contact him since and he's blocked her.
I know my husband would never have done anything to hurt me and he proved it by cutting off the contact. If he'd dismissed my feelings in favour of her friendship then that would prove that *she* was the priority and not me.
Yes, Joe was your friend before you met your husband and yes, you are not attracted to each other. But is he worth upsetting your husband over? Regardless of *why* he's upset or how silly you think it is, is Joe worth it?
I would not be able to live with someone that insecure. Quite frankly, I would be highly insulted if my husband were to tell me that the only reason a guy would want to be my friend was because he thought he had a chance to get laid.
My husband and I both have opposite sex friends, some of whom were friends-with-benefits before he and I met.
Neither of us would expect the other to end a friendship just because we're a couple now.
We both trust each other to be faithful - period. If we didn't, there really wouldn't be much point in being married.
I know for a fact that at least one of his female friends is still attracted to him, and would have him as a lover in a heartbeat if he was interested. I also know that he isn't interested, so it doesn't bother me.
Wait, since when did being married mean you lose your identity and friends? Since when did women and men being friend mean anything but that? Why did you marry such a possesive loser? You're a person, not a beloning, and should be able to do whatever the heck you want.
You do get that you're a human being first and a wife/woman second, right?
I think it would be good to have a good sit down talk with being as rational as possible for both of you and really get all the feelings out. Hearing him completely and empathizing and not defending... really hear him. Then have him hear you... not defending.. then really talk each side out.. then come to a decision on what to do.
If it still really bothers him and is creating problems... obiviously he is more important so I would suggest just letting the relationship with "joe" fizzle cause it wouldn't be worth causing problems for you and your hubby...
but if you guys reach a sort of agreement... or he understands differently after your talk than that is good too..
Don't hide your contact with Joe though.. that will only make your husbands feelings stronger and don't tell him to get over it... really try to see his point of view and let him know you really care about his feelings and after he hears your point of view... and you know he has really heard you.. you will respect whatever his feelings are at that point even if it means losing contact with joe.
The only thing I can say is if the situation were reversed, how would you feel if your husband had a female friend. Would you be jealous? If so, maybe rethink your friendship with Joe.
If not, then tell your husband to get over it. You don't have romantic feelings for Joe. You don't talk to him that often (you don't email or text) and that you are allowed to have male friends.
Good luck!
I think some men just can't understand how a man and a woman could be friends and nothing else - which is exactly the case here. Your husband is insecure. It would be hard for me to give up this friendship given the background. I honestly don't know what I'd do. Would your husband be OK if the two of you emailed each other or wrote letters to "catch up" a few times a year? Then it would be in writing and your husband could see there was nothing going on? Honestly, this is a tough one. In contrast, shortly after my husband and I were married, I ran into an old boyfriend whom I had lost touch with for about 10 years at that point. I had absolutely no feelings for this person and he had none for me, but we wanted to have dinner to catch up on each other's lives. I asked my husband to come with me and he actually said - oh, you guys probably want to talk and I'll be bored - you go to dinner with him and maybe come back to the house so I can meet him afterwards. Which is exactly what we did. This friend and I continued to talk/see each other once or twice a year for a while and now we just check in with each other by email maybe once a year or even less. My husband 100% trusts me and I trust him the same way. Neither of us is jealous because neither one of us has ever given a reason for the other to be jealous. We've been married for almost 19 years btw.
Since you have to live with your husband and you obviously want to preserve that relationship over all others, you may have to do what is comfortable for your husband.
What would you want your husband to do if this were reversed, and you had a bad feeling about it?
I agree that you should talk to your husband and be honest about it, in that he's truly a platonic old friend who lives far away, and you're both gonna be married. If "Joe" is as good a friend as you say, then you should have a talk with him about it too (after your talk with your husband). If he is NOT a good enough friend to have this kind of talk with, then he is not a good enough friend to make your husband uncomfortable.
I don't say this lightly; I have had my one and only truly platonic friend from Bible school, we travelled to 4 countries ministering and learning and exploring together, stayed up to all hours of the night at ihop trying to get all our studying in with the craziest school, ministry, work schedules on the planet. Wonderful times. We both look back at those times as nothing but awesome. But he is married and had kids, and I was the one that had to "lose" him, which I didn't really understand at first (why??? why in the world would this be uncomfortable? etc, etc).....but then I began to understand that life just takes turns. He had his new wife, who of course is awesome for him, he joined the military for school and training, got a new career, is a father of 3 girls. I missed him, but his life was different now. Then I got married, changed my lifestyle (a couple times, lol), have 2 boys. We send messages occasionally now. It's never going to be what it was, but then again I don't ever want to sit at ihop until 4am talking or studying with ANYBODY again, lol! Life is different, but it is wonderful, for both of us. I do know that his wife warmed up to me and was much nicer to me after I was married and had a couple children. I recognize that, but am not offended at it. He had us all meet together (so she could see me again with my family, and I could introduce my family to them). That was really nice and helped her feel more secure I think. We have more in common now (me and his wife) than we did when they first got married. Although he emailed his home, work, and cell numbers, I ONLY call his home number the couple times a year that I call.....I go through her (out of respect for her) and we catch up a little on our kids, then I can talk to him. My husband is perfectly ok with him, so it is unnecessary for him to go through my husband, he just calls and whatever (but again, this is so very rare). But we went years without talking except a Christmas card and one call a year. Now, we're up to 2-3 calls a year, lol, and some brief emails. Now I think it's more my schedule is really busy and his is even busier, not the issue of his wife being jealous. (I don't think she is now). Life changes. Real, true friends will recognize and respect that, and still be there anyway.
Tell your husband to get over it; he's trippin.
My boyfriend thinks the same thing. He feels that guys are only friends with girls because they ultimately want something more. I have actually been hard pressed to find guy friends (only had a few close ones) that didn't end up telling me either at the time, or later down the road, that they had a thing for me. I think there actually might be some validity in that, but I doubt it is true for all guys. I am sure that while maybe the majority feels that way, I can't see all of them being like that. Especially when you described your friendship with "Joe" as being so completely platonic.
Moving on, I don't think it is a good idea to lie to your husband. That would only give him cause to find more suspicion in your friendship with him. And I am sure you are aware that lying in a marriage can cause all sorts of trouble.
But I think Marda P. hit the nail on the head. Joe might have brought his jealousy to light, but I can't think that ending your friendship will simply solve this issue. It seems a bit extreme for him to get that upset over things.
But I think it also depends on alot as to whether its truly an issue, or him just being a guy. My boyfriend is insanely jealous of any guy friend I have. He doesn't get angry about it or anything, he would just prefer I not speak to any male figures that pose that sort of threat. Do you see where I am going? Your husband may be so jealous because he believes (and I am just guessing here) that any male-female friendship is only existing because the male has a sexual interest in the female. He also might have such an issue with it because you and Joe have been friends for longer than your husband and you have known each other, and he may be insecure deep down.
I think counseling would be a good step in the right direction to get to the bottom of this and get it sorted out.
In the meantime, it might be best to hold off on contact with Joe just to keep the peace. I don't mean to tiptoe around your husband or anything, or "submit to his will" it is just easier at times to compromise to keep from a problem growing.
Another thought, you might consider the value you place on your friendship with Joe and how that compares to your marriage. Is there a deeper reason why you keep the relationship alive even though you both have very separate lives?
Anyways, sorry that was so long. Good luck with this, I can't imagine it is an easy issue to deal with.
wow, i'm surprised at the vast spectrum of responses here too!
obviously joe isn't worth trouble in your marriage, but i would be very troubled at the lack of the trust and even the aspect of control that is implied in your husband's refusal to accept the friendship being what you say it is.
i don't see a huge problem in ending a casual friendship to save your marriage, but i see a big red flag in a marriage that can't withstand casual friendships with folks of the opposite sex.
khairete
S.
Since you are married and Joe is engaged and lives across the country, I am not sure why your husband is upset over this relationship...it isn't like you live across town and you and Joe could be getting together without his knowledge.
I would suggest that you scale back your conversations, always have them in front of your husband and should the occassion arise that you and Joe visit one another be sure that both your hubby AND Joe's fiance are present.
In my opinion, I think based on your letter that you sometimes have feelings for Joe even though you say you don't. I think you sometimes ponder what it would be like if you and Joe would've had a relationship together, seeing that you and him had something in common. I think that if the opportunity ever exists have your husband and Joe meet. I would have Joe stop by your house and not tell your husband he's coming over. Kind of like a surprise visit. I think if Joe's such a great guy, then your husband might actually come to like him. But one very important piece of advice is don't talk about Joe so much around your husband. I think this makes your husband jealous.
IF you HUSBAND is #1 and there is not more to this "friendship" why would you hold resentment? Why should your husband have to make you get rid of Joe? What about respect....honor......committment have you ever heard of these things? IF JOE is not that important....I wonder what your problem is, I think there is more much much more between you and Joe and you want to have your cake and eat it to!! I feel sorry for your husband he will go through life with only a part of your heart and will always have a third person in his marriage.
Our pastor is doing a new series at our church called ''A BEST question ever "........no matter what the situation is ,it is the only question we need to ask ourselves. The question is "is it a wise thing to do"????Not "is it silly", not "it is wrong", not "is it immoral", but simply "is it a wise thing to do"...........
I would ask your husband if he has "ulterior motives" with all his female clients he visits at home and gets presents from.
Funny I had a friend 'Joe' and had a similar issue. He really was Joe. At any rate, I hadn't seen him in years and he showed up. My husband is very nice to everyone and he helped Joe with his car a number of times, but our 'Joe' became rather annoying in our lives and my husband clearly resented it. I knew it wasn't a big romance, and had missed our friendship of years back, but my husband clearly didn't like it. I didn't want to opt for the trade and Joe sort of slipped in and out of life (now out for awhile) and I guess I won't be calling him back. My husband means to much to me to lose him over this.
I have a very close male friend that is like a brother (actually is there for me more then my own biological brother). I honestly feel that you can have a friendship with people of the opposite gender without it being sexual at all.
If there anyway (even though you guys live far away) that you can arrange a meet and greet? Sort of like a double date? Dinner and drinks, maybe? It might ease the tension. If they have already met and your husband is still insecure, maybe counseling through your church?
It's a tough situation. You don't want to betray your husband, but he is being unfair. He should also trust YOU, his wife, that if any flirtation was occuring you would end that friendship because you are not interested and love your husband completely.
Hang in there. Good Luck.
You have to decide if your marriage is a priority or not. If your husband is that hurt by you having this "innocent" relationship then maybe you should be a little empathetic. How would you feel if he started hanging out with another woman. Even though you know you would never do anything you should still not open the door to tempation and poor choices. If you care about your husband you need to put his needs/insecurites above some acquaintance that you have stated you don't care that much for.
i don't think it's as simple as choosing your marriage or your friend - it seems to me that in this case, you truly have nothing to hide, and a good friend is hard to find.
would your husband be more comfortable if you emailed, or communicated through facebook? is there any compromise he is willing to consider? honestly he seems to be being a little bit unreasonable...but we can't help what bothers us...if the roles were reversed, i might have a teensy twinge of jealousy too...even assuming it was purely innocent and i had no reason to take it further. but honestly i would try to stomach it, because as you say, the two of you had plenty of opportunity to hook up and never did. so i would not feel right questioning it or acting territorial.
another idea is to try to get the two of them together. i know it's hard since they are so far away, but maybe you could go visit them one time, or when they come here all go out to dinner.
"He is convinced that Joe would never want to be my friend unless he had "ulterior motives." "
That would really upset me. Doesn't you husband think you have more to offer than that? Maybe if he could see that's the message in his insecurity - NOT JUST "I was cheated on in the past and find it hard to trust" but ALSO "No man would want to hang out with you unless it was for sex."
I used to date a guy that told me I was hired for a specific job because I was "attractive." I was HIGHLY qualified and extremely good at the job - but that's how he thought about me. I was just all surface to him. He was sooo not a keeper, you know?
SO - doesn't your husband want to act like the "keeper" you know he is?
GOOD LUCK!
Amazing to read the completely opposite answers. I'm in the camp of having lots of guy friends. I work in a more male dominated industry, went to graduate school with 70% men etc and have found I really like my guy friends. One of the reasons I worry about quiting work is I wouldn't have guy friends so easily anymore! Some guys are amongst my absolute best friends. They provide a great balance and perspective. I think all my male friends are friends since before I met my husband so he's never made an issue of it or if he does, it's in a kidding way. My relationships are like yours with Joe so I think your husband is being unfair. Maybe and just maybe if Joe was in the same city and you guys were having dinners and stuff he'd have a point (but even then that's arguable) but worrying about a few phone calls seems silly. But I guess it comes down to whether you want to be right or married. I think as someone suggested, Christmas cards are fine but maybe you just have to leave it at that. If your husband doesn't have female friends, he probably just doesn't get it. It's a shame but Joe can't be worth it in the long run...
why not ask joe to visit you with his soon to be wife so your husband would see that what you have is purely platonic...
Updated
why not ask joe to visit you with his soon to be wife so your husband would see that what you have is purely platonic...
Is Joe your only make friend? If not does your hubby have an issue with other male friends of yours or just Joe? For that fact does he have issues with any of your other friends male or female? Clearly Joe is friend and nothing more, never has been and never will be. That makes me wonder if hubby has a jealousy issue in general. Does he not like to share you with anyone else? That comes across a bit controlling to me. However if you have other friends male and female that he doesn't have a problem with then something about this friendship threatens him. I would speak openly and honestly with him about this. I would NOT hide your friendship because then you ARE giving him reason to worry. Try to get to the root of the problem. I don't dictate who my hubby is friends with and neither does he. However, if he ever said he had a bad feeling about someone or one of my male friends bothered him I would do my best to find out way and reassure him that nothing has or would ever happen.
i don;t think you should get rid of him! i think maybe you and your husband should attend some counseling so he can work on his trust issues. keep letting him know that he is your heart and soul and that joe is not a threat my any means. that's the best i can offer. good luck
Ive had a few "joes" in my life, they always ended up hitting on me and ruining it, maybe thats what your husband was afraid of, maybe hes been a "JOE" before, biding his time finally mustering up the courage to hit on someone he was friends with. I cant really be impartial though, most of my current guys friends that are guys are also my husbands friends (because we met in h/s)
