Looking for Advice - New Baltimore,MI

Since I don't know all the details of the situation, sorry in advance if I misinterpret anything. But is it possible that maybe he has anger/resentment towards you and doesn't really believe you truly want him with you since he had to make the decision on his own to come be with you? Maybe he is acting out to test the waters & see if you really love him and want him with you unconditionally?

Your "about me" sections explains a lot. This boy's world has been turned upside down and he wants to feel in control and at the same time that he belongs and is loved. Unfortunately, his attitude/behavior make it hard to feel warm and loving toward him, and you all are trying to adjust which might be tough even if he weren't acting out. He definitely needs structure & consequences, and I think he knows that, but he also needs to be able to communicate and feel he has a say in things & some sense of control over his life.
Have you tried family meetings in which he has a say in rules, chores, and consequences for his actions? What about both you and your new husband having times alone with him? Sometimes at bedtime or in the car, kids will open up more.

I would say to find ways to touch him when he is open to that, affirm anything positive that he does (you may have to search for it), leave him notes, use humor that doesn't put him down, and do all you can to support the "good" part of him & let him know you believe in him & know you can make this work together as a family. You're still defining your family and I doubt he even knows what a family is supposed to be like.

Counselling might be good but more with the idea that it will give him someone to vent to (which may take awhile). I'd avoid giving him the idea that something's wrong with him or he's "bad". He probably already believes that. Letting him do whatever he wants will not say "I love you" nor will harsh discipline and shutting him out of the circle of love you have with your daughter & new husband. His anger goes back to how things were before as well as how things are now. Why did he live with his dad? How does he view that? Your marriage may seem like further rejection to him & he will need proof that it's not.

God bless you as you and your husband work this out. It's not going to be easy but it will be worth it. Sending him back to dad is a bad idea. He's testing you but it's not a game. He doesn't know how to do this and needs your help and patience, as well as a loving, structured environment. Family meals, going to the school to help him adjust there, chores, etc. He needs to know he can count on you.

G. B.

I know you hate being the bad guy, but it is in his best interest. Have you tried outside counseling or counseling through school? Maybe just someone to touch bases with him every morning at school to help him adjust. Then you could work together with a counselor to help you all adjust. It is a HUGE change from having no boundaries to suddenly having structure and expectations. As much as he hates it now, it will probably be a relief once he figures things out.

Hang in there.

I lived with my alcoholic mother my whole life and was offred the chance to live in a more stable enviroment when I was about 15, of course I refused because of the same reasons you mentioned above...I had no restrictions and could do whatever I wanted...to this day I regret the decision I made. I was too young to be living "on my own" and I made a lot of mistakes because of it. Take your son to counseling, do whatever you can to give him a stable enviroment, he'll thank you down the road. And even if he doesn't just remember that you are giving him a chance at a better life.

I have so seen this situation before, but doing foster care.

I know he was with his dad, but did he have any groups he was involved with? I would get him into something and quickly.
Does he like sports, animals, video games .. take his interest and get him busy to fill his time.

I know you dont want to be the bad guy, what parent does .. but you are in the parenting business (while the pay isn't great, we are rewarded other ways :))

You will have to let him know structure. Too bad it took 13 years for you to get him, but you will have to make the best out of the time you have. Once you get him involved in a group (or two) in something he enjoys, it will help him focus his attention to a more positive way of thinking and help with some of he negative he has right now.

I have three teen boys right now 17, 15 and 13. I have them in 4-H all year, Youth group every Wed night, Sunday Church and then they are allowed to pick one activity. I actually have one that wants to take Piano, so he does that every week.
You choose some activities and he chooses to .. helps him learn balance and also shows he is NOT in control of everything that he does. He has to learn rules and what is expected of him. I know our schedule is very busy, but I can tell you they are so tired at the end of the day that going to bed isn't an issue. Plus, they look forward to things they have going on the next day and are so ready to get prepared.

Because they are in 4-H, we have two feedings a day to do. Morning and Night. They are responsible for both .. I help out, but they have to be with their animals everyday.

I have found even if they like video games, by being part of a "team" teaches a much greater spirit. I dont agree with the so called experts that say they are burning brain cells on games. I wouldn't allow them to play for 8 hours, but going to a youth meeting and playing video games is quite acceptable to me. There is no "I" in team and being a part of a team, regardless of the type, teaches such values and also makes you feel a sense of belonging. Everyone wants to belong and when kids don't feel they do, is when you get the negative attitude.

For girls that feel that way, I have taken them out to a "ME" day .. go to lunch, shopping, get your hair done .. making someone feel they are so important is such an impact and can change attitudes quickly.

I wish I could be more specific to your needs, but not knowing the whole story, I am being just general. I do hope something I said is helpful and please feel free to come to me anytime. :) I do wish you the best of luck, I know it isn't easy for you. I will pray for strength for you and your hubby. Stand strong.

Hey L.! Keep up the rules, does your kids have any chores they are to do daily, weekly and do they do them? Your son is like on a new planet called FAMILY , He needs to learn that he has one now, that it is a real thing that people really do function as one. Instead of allowing him to stay shut in his room , invite him to join the FAMILY to play a board game or go for walk, movie nite at home or out! Let him know he has a group family that want him around them,perhaps let the kids choose something they want to do as a family or take turns picking out a movie for the family to share will show him over time what he has been missing! Just try it 2 evenings a week and stick to those certain nites for a while as FAMILY NITE , even if its say 30min. after dinner you all meet in the livingroom-familyrm , say for 1hr starting out and as things get better make it longer! Ask the kids what fun or demanding things have they been doing in school lately, perhaps he will open up gradually. As for the chores i tell my son we are a family and it takes all of us to keep things done around the house, not just mom!!!
S.

L.,

I don't have childrean. I was referred to this source by my sister. My husband and I are planning a family right now and she knew I would find this site interesting. I come from a family that went through a divorce. My parents split when I was 6, that was 22 years ago. I also grew up with my dad and not my mom. My dad's house was similar in that there weren't a whole lot of rules, but we were required to be respectful. Even today there's a lot of anger toward my parents. Mostly because they could never seem to put their difference aside and just focus on us. He needs to feel apart of everything not separate. He also needs a healthy outlet for his anger. I recommend getting him involved in something that he's passionate about. Something that will keep him very busy, like sports, clubs, even something you could do with him. Careful not to make your rules and boundaries around the house like a punishment. They can be the structure that he's wanted all along. It doesn't have to something that makes him feel picked on either. Whatever it is that you choose...the most important this he needs from you is for you to be CONSISTANT. From the little that you wrote, I think that's what he's looking for anyway. He left his fathers house because the the instability, and you can't find stability if there's not the consisitancy. Instead of trying many things with him, find the one that works best for your household and continue using that method...careful not to use several methods at one time...it will confuse all of you.

I hope this helped

I think you should definitely spend some time alone with him . Take him out to a nice dinner and maybe some bowling or a movie. He needs to know you love him and you just have rules in your house he needs to follow. If you can have some fun together it may open up communication and that will definitely bring you two closer.I have a 13 year old son too, they can be very challenging.Good luck.

L. -

I have a 12 yr old son, who visits his father every other weekend and on Wednesday nights. I am having a little bit of disrepect and lying issues with him. He is a very smart kid. And most of it is all teenage type stuff however I have found a connection with the book Boundaries for Teens. This can be found at Family Christian and it is amazing what that book has to say! I also and doing a workbook with my mom's group Effective Parenting in a Defective World. Let me tell you that totally opens your eyes.
Best of luck and I hope that book title helps !

L.,
Is your son testing your love for him by seeing if he bucks your rules-you will send him back to his father? You need to let him know your rules and regulations are 1) for his own good 2) because you love and care about him 3)you are the parent and he is the child 4)this is how life is-with rules and regulations.
Is he looking for rejection from you? Did he like his life with his dad? Obviously not-otherwise he would still be there. Stick to your guns, take a deep breath, and blow off his 13 yr old hormonal tantrums. Keep positive and let him know you and yours still love his emotional, immature, unreasonable butt no matter what....

I do believe that he really needs some mother-son time spent together just between the two of you. He is going to have to transition back into the normal lifestyle that you so want to provide for him. He is also at a really tough age.. Talk to him about school, maybe he is jealous of the bonds that you all share together (before he moved in). Good luck I really hope everything works out

13 year olds....tough no matter what the situation! Keep in mind that he's probably just as frustrated! Don't you remember how the slightest thing would set you off at that early teen age? Most of what he is doing is normal, but it is mixed with being in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people. I know it's hard (I have an ex as well) but avoid talking badly about his dad...even if it's all true...it puts your son in a weird place. After all...that is the parent that took responsibility and raised him, even if he did a horrible job, and your son, although he left, might feel a little bit of loyalty toward him, and guilt over leaving him in the state he is in. That is a lot of emotion for a hormone raged teen in a strange home to deal with. Cut him a little bit of slack, while not turning your entire house around....
good luck!

He has taken care of himself for so long that he doesn't knw how to let you care for him. Did you bring him home and say here is how it is? Perhaps letting him participate in making his rules will help. Have him tell you what he needs. sometimes meeting a child halfway can help. Maybe he isn't cappable of sleeping at the bedtime you gave him, make sure he goes to his room, but don't force him to sleep. And don't have to many rules it will be overwhelming for him. Set only the rules you have to and let him still take care of himself in some ways. I went through this when I was young and I wouldn't give up taking care of myself and doing most things my way because I didn't trust anyone to do it for me. I counted on only me. Everytime someone tried to change this I felt resentful. Its a little late to treat me like a child when I already had to grow up was the underlying feeling. I'm not saying let him do anything, but I am saying that you may need to treat him as if he is much older than his age. Best of luck and keep loving him, sooner or later we cave in to the love. Trust takes a long time to build in children who grow up early and they will test it over and over again. But underneath he wants your love and loves you.