B., First let me say to begin with that I am not a stay at home mom, nor do I have children. However, please read on, as I do have two sisters that are stay at home moms, one with two boys, the other with three and I am and always have been a very involved aunt (I also have two other nephews). My siblings and I have always been on the same page with child rearing so its been good for the boys as its kept things very consistent for them regardless of who's house they're at. I will also acknowledge that we're strict, but not unreasonably so, but we're also fun and I've had a good close relationship with all of them. Now four of my nephews are grown young men (early twenty's). I've been asked to celebrate each one's 21 birthday with them. One is an artist, one an accountant, one in law school and the other studying mechanical engineering. Anyway, please read through til the end and hopefully you can find at least one useful suggestion herein.
I'm assuming since you are a stay at home mom, that there are not a significant amount of chores your asking of your children. I only say this because my sisters.
Thinking about things that were effective with my nephews in the past, if you can, provide Christian (I believe this is the young man at issue) with chores that have consequences. For example, put a laundry hamper in him room. Inform him of what day you intend to do laundry and then either tell him 1) that you'll pick up the hamper, but anything not in it will not get washed or 2) he needs to bring the hamper out and leave it by the washer if he wants his laundry done. Now, both my nephews had to do the latter. If they didn't bring it out, they simply didn't have clean clothes that week. If he gets angry and tries to blame it on you, you need to calmly explain that you did exacly what you agreed to, which was wash all the laundry that was out there. He had an option to bring his out or not and he chose not to. My nephew never forgot more than once. I would also suggest choosing your battles and deciding what's really important and not important. For example, I am a water drinker, I hate pop. One sister is a pop drinker. The other is in the middle as she hates water because it has no flavor, but knows pop is bad so she drinks flavored water. For someone that is used to drinking pop, switching to water can be difficult, it tastes very bland and if its tap water it can taste metalic, etc. If you drink water and stay away from pop for health reasons, perhaps you can compromise. First explain why you don't drink pop: it's all chemicals, rots your teeth, if it diet especially it will make you fat, bloats you, etc., then go to the store with him and together pick out either flavored water or they have some very good tea/juice mixtures that are very good. That may satisfy his taste buds and your health conscience. As far as him sleeping in, I don't know what time he's sleeping until. Obviously if its 3 in the afternoon, that's unacceptable. Again, I'm a morning person, but many young people sleep in on the weekends without become degenerets as adults. Perhaps is he gets up at 7 on the weekdays and wants to sleep until noon on the weekends, again this is one worth compromising on. Tell him noon isn't acceptable because it's no longer morning, however, you will allow him to sleep until 10 provided that when he's woken, he gets right out of the bed first time.
On the walking around town, I don't know where you live vs. where his mother lives. Perhaps if you live somewhere more urban and her more rural or you live somewhere more populated than she, you could ask him something along these lines "Christian, honey, if we were driving through Harlem in New York at nighttime, do you think it would be a good idea if your father and I pulled over and let you out to walk alone back whatever hotel we where staying at just because you're 13?" If he says yes, he's being a smarty pants and call him on it make him answer honestly. If he answers honestly, he'll say No. Then you could say something like You're right and we would never do that. The point is just because you're 13 may mean it's safe for you to walk around you're mom's town, but it doesn't mean you're safe to walk around anywhere you want. Sometimes you're going to have to trust the fact that we know an area better than you do, and that we want to keep you safe because we love and care about you.
The thing on chores in general, I remember hearing tihs somewhere but I don't recall where. First, I let him know that his mother's view is an opinion and everyone has a right to an opinion, but that it doesn't make it right. All it means is that in her house, her opinion will be the rule. However, in our house there is a different opinion. Go on to tell him that everyone that lives in this household must contribute to the household in some way if they expect to go on living there. The largest contributors, of course, are his father by earning income and you by managing the household. You don't expect the children to do as much as either of you, but they still have to contribute by doing chores. These are not your chores as parents, these are "household chores" that simply need to get done. Point out that as the parents you could do everything, it may take you until 8 or 9 at night perhaps on weekends, while the kids sit around and do nothing but stay in the house and perhaps be made to read a book (probably watch tv which would be fine with them). However, when everyone contributes the household runs smoothly and things get done much earlier. What this means is that his father and you get to spend more quality time with Christian, Mason and Athen which is very important to you because you enjoy them and like to spend time with them. The allows you and your husband to have time to take them to the activities they like to do, etc. I think you get the general idea. blah blah
If he's a mature 13, you can also sit him down and remind him that the most important job you have as his parents or father and step-mother, are to give him the tools he needs to get through life as an adult. To prepare him to go out into the world and you can't wait until he's 18 to do that. Then ask him, if he really thinks letting him sleep in, run around, do whatever he wants, eat unhealthy foods is going to do that? If he says yes, ask him how? Then explain to him how the different rules in your house are teaching him things that will be good for him for the rest of his life. Find out if he's interested in anything that you could get him involved in in your household. One of my nephews started cooking at around that age with a wok.
Oh yeah, the after school activity. Tell him that's great his mom had so much trust in him. However, he has to remember that he lived with his mother XX number of years. That a young adult needs to establish trust and responsibility before than can be left to their own to go out and get exercise alone. That doesn't come overnight and it certainly doesn't get earned by moping around, not doing chores and complaining, and not getting good grades when we know how smart you are. Until such time and trust is earned and responsbility is shown, organized activities are his only choice. This way you put the onerous on his shoulders.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you can't change your entire household for Christian, however, you could pick one or two small things to bend a little on which to him could seem huge in his day to day living. You need to stand tough, use logic he'll understand but always inject loving words too. Let him know he's wanted there. To the extent possible, empower him. Like in the last example. If he really doesn't wants the organized activity, he's got a long way to go to get there, however, it's up to him to establish with his father a you trust and responsibility through chores, grades, no complaining, whining, comparisons, etc. However, it's only him that can make the difference. His choice. His option.
Remember 13 year olds are much wiser than often given credit for (noting that I do not know your nephew). I hope something in here was helpful. Good luck to you. You sound like a very caring mom. He's lucky to have you in his life.
I have a 13 year old nephew now that just spent a weekend with me. We went to see Shrek, the musical in Seattle before it went to Broadway and then we went to play pool. Later, he laid out his plan for me of how he plans, and what he needs to do from now, (he is just entering his first year of high school - 9th grade) to get into the Marines. He said something about making his parents proud. I told him that would be nice, but that it was more important that when he wakes up every morning and looks in the mirror, that the reflection looking back at him is the one that's proud and that he like's and is happy with that person in the mirror. He got a little frown on his face and said Auntie, I'm not proud of the person in the mirror. I asked him Why. He told me it was because he had skipped some days of school last year (I already knew this). So I asked him who had the power to change this? Of course he said "Me" That's good, I responded, That's an easy fix then isn't it? He smiled and nodded. I then said "Besides, do you really think the Marines are going to take Skippers? That's the Navy. . ." "Oh Auntie that was bad!"
