Different Rules, Different Houses

There is no need to bad mouth anyone...just tell her 2 houses...2 sets of rules...and she is going to have to learn to be flexible. Especially if there are other chlldren in the house full time...you can point out how unfair it would be if she didn't live by the same rules that they do. It sounds to me like you have a great family going ...keep it up!!

she is 9 you shouldn't have to "explain" these are the rules at your house if she is at your house she follows the rules. the conversation goes something like this-
" we dont have the same rules as your mom, when you are here you follow our rules I am sorry sometimes it gets confusing but that is the way it is"

You dont ask a 9 year old you tell them. Obviously she needs a parent not a friend she will thank you later.

I agree with 3boysandme, you don't explain. Different houses have different rules, period. I get this with my kids all the time, their friends have cell phones, watch R movies, play Teen or Mature games - all things we don't allow. I tell them we don't feel those things are appropriate for a child their age and we get to make the rules for our house, when they grow up they can make the rules for their houses. It helps to point out some things that we let them do that their friends don't - for example we pay for select soccer, we have a horse, etc etc.

I'm also a stepmom whose husband has primary custody of his kids, so I get where you're coming from. I think that while your husband is the heavy, there's no reason you can't back him/your household up on things like this.

It's hard when they say "why?" and you don't want to disparage Mom or Dad. We had similar issues. When my SD came back knowing ALL the lyrics to Kid Rock songs we cringed. When she popped Goldmember in the DVD player at 8 yrs old, I sat down to watch because her friends were coming over and I didn't want to not know what the movie was about. Then I said, "SD, I can't let you watch this with your friends. It goes against our rules. You should take this back to your mom's house." Or when then-7 yr old SD wanted to walk to the store like she did at her mom's place and we wouldn't let her, and her mom called up DH all ticked off. He said, "We don't feel it's safe for SD to go to stores by herself. We will not budge and we hope that you take SD's safety into consideration when she's with you."

Especially if there are other kids in the house, having "house rules" can simply be "I'm sorry, but these are our house rules. That CD needs to stay in your bag til you go back to your mom's house."

Kids do get that they can do x at one place and y at another. Schools, friends' parents, grandparents, camps...they are all places with different rules. Sometimes it helps to point out these things so that they have a point of reference. "You know how you can't chew gum in class? Well, same here. Different places have different rules." Try to treat it as if she did a sleepover or went to a friend's house and they allowed something you don't.

I think that she's starting to notice the differences more as well as getting to an age where she wants to DO more. It can be tough to be the "lame one".

For things like bedtime, enlist her. When SD complained to her mom that she had a "baby bedtime" we said, "Okay, what do YOU think is appropriate and why?" and we worked out an agreement where she could earn more time by doing what she was supposed to for 2 weeks. If she didn't make us late AND got to bed on time, she earned 30 minutes. It took her a LONG time to get to 9:30 and all we had to do was point to the agreement. It took the battle out of it.

Hope that helps.

just tell her that mom has a different way of doing things than we do and while here, these are the rules and they will be followed.

don't try to explain her mom's way of things for her, let her mom explain her way of things

We deal with this as well with my almost 9yr old SD. It was especially bad after she moved back in with mom when her mom moved out of state. We insist on family dinners, no T rated+ video games or mature songs, no skirts her underwear is visible under (yes, I've had to take those away, and I don't mean when she bends over, just walking around), no back talk (she can state her feelings, opinions etc but not just sit there and argue constantly). I agree don't try to explain it, because it's hard to keep from saying "well, we think those rules aren't good for you" without it coming off as badmouthing bio-mom.

"Different houses, different parents= different rules. We all love you and want the best for you, but just have different ideas because we are different people." is our line. Also, point out another way ya'll are different from bio-mom, don't make it a "we're better because of this" just a way to show that the differences aren't all "negative" in her opinion. For us, it's that while we are stricter in some ways, we are also more lenient in others- she has much less chores with us, just basic cleaning up after herself instead of housework.

My older SD isn't really mouthy, argumentative or anything, she's actually very sweet, listens very well and tends to be very laid-back. BUT she's a kid, they all have their moments.

BTW- she lives with YOU and her father, you're part of the parenting team and don't let anyone tell you differently.

Just tell her that her dad and you have different parenting rules than her mom. Explain that while your rules are different than her mom's you can't enforce them one her when she's at her mom's because her mom is in charge then but the rest of the time her dad and you are in charge. It's simple, direct, and honest.

"Everyone is different, all parents are different and enforce different rules in many differnet ways. This is how we do it here. So these are the rules you will follow while you are here."

Honestly, she already knows, she's 9. She probably more curious as to why her mom lets her do "bad" things, but doesn't know how to ask.

"Our rules are different from your Mom's rules. You know this, and I'm not talking about it anymore."

Period the end. Don't get caught up in the power struggle (that's what this is). The more you argue, the more she is going to think she can win. You can revisit the rules periodically, but only to let her know what you and her father have decided - she doesn't get to make these decisions.

"Because the rules are different at our house."

"Why?"

"Because we like it that way."

I don't think you need to go into a detailed explanation.

She shouldn't HAVE to accept that rules are different. Nobody asked HER whether she would like to live in two different houses! She doesn't HAVE any choices.

And she already HAS a mother. I'm hoping all the things you listed here are your husband's rules (her FATHER, her PARENT) not yours.

It's unreasonable to think a stepchild is going to be exactly like your OWN children. If you want a peaceful life, you may want to reconsider YOUR rules, rather than asking a child to be flexible when you are not.

Forget the RULES already and celebrate the GOOD things about her personality. Be her FRIEND vwhen no one else will. She already HAS two parents. Let her FATHER do the hands on parenting.

The rebellion of rules will get WAY worse in the teen years if she does not feel like anyone is on her side (you aren't), if she feels like no one understands her (you don't).

Sorry to sound harsh, but kindness, gentleness, flexibility is a more effective way to form a relationship with a child who is not yours. What's best for HER may not be the same as what's best for your own.

Good Luck!

:)

Maybe she would better understand if it came from her mom's mouth. Has she asked her mom why things are different at her house compared to your house? Or maybe get dad involved in the conversation too. Sounds like there's a lack of respect going on because 1 or 2 times of explaining this to her should have been enough. I know it's really hard when everyone isn't consistent. My husband's parents & sibling are very strange to me & handle kids in a very odd manner, which would explain why my husband turned out the way that he did, but I know they're stuck in there ways & too old to change now, so I try to bite my tongue & just limit the time that my kids spend with them.

I am going throught the same thing with my 20 yr old ss and did also with a 15 and 16 yr old ss. what your mom does is her choice i cant tell her how to raise her kids but in my house this is the rule and that is final. i am not your mom and have reasons for my rules your mom doesnt. ex ss 20 doesnt have to check in with mom can come home if and when he wants to but not in my house I hear all the time my mom lets me so i say good for your mom but i hve to get up for work at 4am and your mom doesnt work. I am lax on the movies and the music so i cant help you there. just tell her you dont find it appropriate and until she is 18 she cant listen too or watch that at your house sorry if she doesnt find it fair but life is not fair. in my house we have a x bedtime for x reason we have to get up for work or whatever. and we are not going to adjust the rules of our house for you to get your way. she will not like it and you will be the evil step mom and all parents who dont cave are evil wether they are real or steps so it doesnt matter. if she doesnt like the movie rule just cut the hbo out of your cable channels then she cant complain. take her mp3 player as soon as she walks through the door and be prepared to hear its mine not yours my mom bought it for me or my mom lets me this isnt fair. or you may hear your not my mom you cant tell me what to do. so i suggest daddy takes away the mp3 player not you. she is using mom against you to get her way. this is normal they want what they want when they want it.

I think dad needs to have a talk with mom and let her know his concern for these things. I went/go through that myself with my children. I also think they play both parents by saying mom/dad lets me do this or won't care. Then I talk to dad and find out he doesn't allow it either. Other things he does though that I don't like. It's hard but the child needs to have some kind of structure in their lives. I know what u mean about them thinking u are putting the other parent down. It is so hard to parent when their rules change from home to home. It sometimes feels like an interruption and then I have to try to clear it up and look like the bad guy then before I know it they are over there again.

"Just like different countries have different laws, different parents have different rules. If you go to another country, you have to follow their laws while you are there. When you go to a different house, you have to follow their rules while you are there."

or

"Your mom has rules that she thinks are best for you. Your dad and I have ruleas that we think are best for you. Your mom's rules and our rules aren't the same, but they serve the same purpose - to do what seems best for you. Your mom and your dad and I all love you, we just show it different ways."