Different Rules- Different Homes

You will have to do what you would hope that you would never have to do. All three parents must sit down and have a talk. And if the ex-wife is not agreeable to you, then dad will have to do it without you, but the two houses have to get together in some kind of agreement, even if it is that mom tells 6 year old that things are different at dad's and she must abide by those rules.
Blended families are only as hard as the adults make it.

Good for you for trying to teach her how to be healthy! All you can do is continue modeling good eating habits and exercise commitment and tell her that she has to follow your rules at your house. Don't bash her Mom, though, even though you disagree. Don't say her Mom is wrong. Say "every family does things differently, and at our house, we take care of our teeth so we don't get cavities". Eventually, she'll catch on.

Children learn the rules at different household things very easily. It's not a matter of her not knowing the rules, it's a matter of her wanting to test her boundaries and get to do what she wants to do. Just stick to your guns. Like any other battle with a young child, it'll pass.

I know it's hard to combine two homes. I've been there, only as the child. I think something that you and your husband should try is talking with the bio mother. Surely she too wants the best for her little girl. If that doesn't work I would try the reward system. "If you sleep in your bed all night and go to bed when asked then tomorrow we can bake cookies or do something fun" Just something to encourage her to make the right choice.
She's still very young but not too young to understand that what she does at mommy's house is not allowed at Daddy's and I'm sure it's that way at mommy's house too.
I hope this helps some!

J.,
When I met my husband, his son was almost 4 yrs. old but we weren't married until he was 6. The same thing was true for us. When he would give me the "but, I can at my mom's house" line, I would just look around and say I'm pretty sure this isn't your mom's house. We love you very much and this is what we think the rules should be. When you're at your mom's we want you to mind her and when you're here we want you to mind us. That way you're not putting down the other parent. My stepson handled this very well. I hope this helps.

T.
www.livetotalwellness.com/T.
www.workathomeunited.com/T.

You have to find a way to get her mom involved! I have the EXACT same problem with my step daughter who is now 11. I feel like I am listening to myself hearing your problem. Now that she is older she doesn't spend time with us much anymore. She'll always go if we want to see a movie or go bowling but she won't overnight anymore. My husband doesn't feel he should force her so we don't see her as much as we'd like. It's very sad for him and I know if her mom was more strict with those rules then it wouldn't seem like our house was such a contrast. Sometimes it just really sucks having a step wife!

I used to own a daycare. As a lot of parents go threw this, you as a couple need to sit her down together and explain to her in her terms that what her mother does at her house is different than what your rules and activities, that she needs to work with you guys. She is young but she will understand.
Explain to her it is like school, they have different rules than at home.
With the eating issue....the doctors have said that if they get hungry they will eat. I always give my children the choice of eating what is cooked or peanut butter and jelly and carrot sticks. The doctor says that they buck when they are young and are sometimes difficult...they finally get tired of eating the peanut butter and start eating the real meal. I have four kids...14, 12, 10, and 8 and they all have been there!

As a special education teacher you know that children respond well to expected routines. Different routines are necessary for different circumstances. Love, discipline, consistency, and fairness will never go wrong. Of course, you want to have fun with her especially since you don't see her as much. However, set your limits for both your children, maybe offer a few choices, but stick to routines you establish so that the children know what to expect. Two households are difficult. If communication is not happening between the adults then make sure that there is at least consistency in one house(as well as a bunch of love).

Children are perfectly capable of understanding that there are different rules in different homes and different places. We don't act the same at Grandma's as we do at Uncle Tim's or the library.

Just be very clear about what the rules are. Make a chart if necessary.

As for the fun, that is also critical. Be purposeful about planning together time - maybe skating or bowling or something at a playground. Maybe an evening of board games. The two (or 3 or 4) of you can do Yoga together or go bicycling. Even the baby could be involved, but I'd plan on time without the baby as well.

Family meals together and bedtime routine with the reading and snuggling is also important. But again, be clear about rules. Behaviors may get worse (briefly) before they get better.

Just be very very consistent and clear about the rules. No discussion. Different house. Different rules.

Dear J.,
Wow, can I relate! My stepkids live with their mom who is completely overweight, never excercises and drinks soda most of the day. We are vegetarians, excercise, and are slender people, we couldn't be more different. Yes, absolutely, your house, your rules. Just let your daughter know you love her and you are doing this because you love her. Kids WANT their parents to set boundaries. Our kids just accepted, over time, that when they are with us, things are different. We get along fine and all is well.

When shes at your house she should follow your rules. dont give in eventually she will see that you wont cave. You might wanna talk to her mom about helping change her life style a little bit. good luck step kids can be tricky

My husand and I were in the same situation with my now 7, going on 8 year old step-daughter. We have the same beliefs as you and your husband and felt like we needed to enforce good hygeine habits, eating habits, manners, and discipline when she was in our home. We are lucky that she was receptive to following our rules while in our home and we hoped that she would take some of our "basic life training" with her. It definitely took a while and was not easy at first. I think the most important thing is open communication and explaining to her why she should be brushing her teeth and taking care of herself. And explaining that you are not trying to pick on her(that was a common line in our home) that you want to make sure she is healthy. It is frustrating when an adult treats a child more like a playmate than a child, but your step-daughter is lucky to have you and your husband as parental figures in her life. My husband and I have been very lucky with my step daugher and I feel that consistency is key. Good luck!!

I would encourage you to hang tough and keep training her to do the right thing when she is at your house. She is smart and she knows the difference and is using it against y'all. If you just calmly and consistently make sure she follows your rules and you do not treat the two girls differently (the 6 year old and the 1 year old) you will win in time and have a happy, healthy home and a daughter who will grow into a wonderful, mature woman who will truely appreciate all the hard, consistent, loving work you put into her!

Hang in there! You are doing great! Keep your focus on the "woman" you want her to be!

I have a 12 yr old stepson we got custody of in 2006. This is the same battle my husband and I used to face. Don't let it anger you when she does these things.

Remember your anger is with her Mom and not her. Just keep reminding her of the things she is supposed to do. When you get the sassy-lip response that "i don't have to do it at my mom's"... then you explain that she isn't at her mom's and this is what is expected at your house.

You don't have to be mean. You don't have to be un-fun. You just have to be consistent and explain to her why you have the rules you have. Use the baby as an example. That the way she behaves and does her chores and follows the rules will be an example for the baby.

I agree with most of the posts here... I would however, just ask that you remember she is only 6 and there is a lot of pressure on kids to 'conform'. So if she has too many rules to remember, she might get overloaded. Just be patient with her.

I don't know how often you get her,, but when I first married we had my stepson for one week and then he was with his mother for the next week. They alternated, so it took about 2-3 days before he was back in our routine each week. Just try to be patient.

He now lives with us full time and rarely sees his mother,,, but he eventually learned that things like eating good and good hygiene were imperative to feeling good about yourself.

Good luck!

Been there, still doing that. Stick to your guns! It will get better. My step-son is 8 and has finally realized within the last year that we are not giving in and no his mother doesn't live here. This is not her house and she doesn't make the rules here.
Good luck!

Thank goodness she has rules somewhere - even if it's not at her mom's house. Stick to your guns and have rules she must follow at YOUR house. She will appreciate it one day. I have a 5-year old step-granddaughter who NEVER had any rules until she moved in with me a year and a half ago. Now she goes to bed at 8:00 EVERY night, she cleans her room herself, sleeps by herself, eats healthy, etc. When it was just her and her mom living together, she stayed up all night, slept with her mom EVERY night, ate nothing but junk food, and had NO rules whatsoever. The difference in the child now is amazing!!

J., it sounds like your husband needs to sit down with his daughter and have a 1 on 1 conversation with her.

He needs to explain to her somehow (not exactly sure on the langauge to use but here's the jist of the idea) that while she is at her home with you, you have certain rules and that you don't want to have this constant tug of war with her over the rules. (you in this sentance means him, not J.). This is her house too but you have these rules in place for good reason.

If she doesn't want to live by the rules, she is just going to have to get over it because you love her and you want her to be not only in her life, but you want her in your lives.

ensure that he conveys that this is her home and she is a big part of your lives and that you want her there, welcome her there, etc. but she has to live by the rules that have been set in the house.

You may also want to post some rules up on a bulletin board of some type (stealing from SUpper Nanny). This seems to help the people she treats.

I have the same situation with my ex - only add to it a tv that never gets turne off - my son usually watches 3 or 4 movies every weekend he's at his dads, plus plays video games nonstop. I've asked him several different times if he goes outside or even goes anywhere and the answer is either no, or "yeah, we went out to get chips and movies and buy video games."

Fortunately, he spends most of the year with us and is a very compliant child (I'm assuming the stepdaughter you only see on weekends or such...) He knows the rules are different here than at his dad's and that he has to be obedient. He also sees the fallacies in his dad's lifestyle, altho we've not pointed them out. We have had, however, issues in the past with "Well daddy lets me do this" or mouthing off to us the way his dad does or trying to play us against his dad, which never works and just results in infinite amounts of trouble for Joey....

Be Clear on what the rules and consequences are - we have them posted in the kitchen.

Be Consistent with discipline - every time. It's hard but it works.

And I highly recommend your husband being the one to enforce discipline with the stepdaughter otherwise it could get ugly in court. Also, If her dad doesn't care, there's no way you're gonna make her care. I would definitely agree that a tete-a-tete etween the father and daughter is in order in which he outlines the rules and corresponding discipline, showing it to her in writing, ensuring that she understands, and him demanding obedience and respect for the individuals in your family, your family unit, and the house. Then, if she CHOOSES to break a rule, she has done so fully knowing the consequences.

Good luck!

My dh and I were separated for a two year period. During that time there were numerous differences over food choices, the quality of the time he spent with the kids, the amount of time they spent parked in front of the big screen TV. When you have a blended family you are always going to have disagreements about parenting. I'm sure you've probably had differences with your husband about parenting even when you are together!

Personally I think cosleeping is not a big problem, but each family has to make their own rules and decisions about what is acceptable for them. Obviously if your 1 year old has their own bed you are not comfortable with your step-daughter sharing your room.

I would allow your step-daughter as many choices as possible- let her pick out the flavor of the toothpaste she'll use, the color of her blanket and what character is on her sheets, which vegetable you'll serve for dinner. Also many junk foods are easily and healthily prepared at home- all my kids love making Pizza dough in the afternoon, or hamburger night. The father-daughter relationship is such an important one, perhaps your husband has some good ideas.

Hi J.,
We have the same problem with my 7-year old son when he is with his father. He eats unlimited sweets, sleeps with his dad, has little or no discipline, no bedtime, etc. The thing that works for us is basically tough love. We made Tyler sleep in his bed. He would get up in the middle of the night at first and come to our bed, but it was a start. He now sleeps alone every night while he is with us. We limit sweets, he knows when bedtime is, and knows our rules and obeys them. It got tough at first, but you have to stick with it being loving, but firm. I also talked with his father about it, he hasn't helped much, but at least we planted that seed to let him know what he was doing was wrong. I hope this may help you a little. Good luck.

I have a stepson who is ten. I have been in his life since he was 2. My husband and I have very different rules then his mother. But through my husband backing and consistency he has learn what he can do at our home and what he can do with his mother. That does not mean that everytime he is with us it is perfect but it has gotten alot better. The first day is always training day (everytime) and then he falls into place. He loves coming to our house because we provide him the structure that every kids needs and desires.

So my advice is to stick to it. She will finally understand that is for her good and she will respect you for that. Also, make sure you and your husband see eye to eye on disclipe and the rules.

Good Luck!

R.

Sounds like every other response i've read is right on target but here's my 2 cents...
Stay strong. I am also a teacher of 6, 7 and 8 graders and I could tell you the stories. Many of them wo-is-me! from the parents!! Why, why?? Well, I'll tell you why. Parents should be parents (not friends first) and they should set boundaries that show the child the way. Too many times I have seen the parents get worn out (I am sorry, but we made them!! they didn't ask to be born!) and act more like the kid than the child...thinking this would make things easier on themselves to just "give in" a little. Trust me, in the long run, there are no short cuts to just putting in real effort to good parenting.

In the end, the child will know you set boundaries because you love them. If the "worst" case happens and they rebel (say drugs??? or whatever) then you have done your best to show your love and have tried to pave the smoothest way for your child to proceed through his/her life journey. Don't blame yourself in this case, even at young ages the child makes his/her own choices. The good parent can only encourage the positive choices and discourage the negative ones. (we have ways!!HA!!) I see no reason why a child, even a small child cannot abide by different rules at different places.

Even my 2 yr. old knows not to touch the artifacts at the local museum!! I just spoke to him in plane language and showed him in a way he could understand. Of course he forgets, but if I remind him, he quickly pulls back.

It shows respect for me, for others belongings, he learns how to behave in different situations, he learns how to appreciate objects for their beauty by using his other senses...it goes on... you see where i am going with this...he trusts me to guide him through this unusual place...and to your stepdaughter maybe that is really what she is really trying to tell you. She wants to feel comfy there but she's not quite sure how yet. So maybe there is something else you can do for her (not as a bribe either, as cooperation or encouragement) while she is cooperating with you. Remember, she needs a parent (her other mother is not doing any favors to anyone ...not even herself in the long run!) Stay strong, sandyC

I know that it's hard, but my ex and I have this rule: when my daughter is at his house she goes by his rules and when she's at my house she goes by my rules. This has worked out really well for us. Have your husband talk to his ex wife and tell her that he has concerns about his daughter's habits and see if that works. My ex has even called me and asked what were some of my rules about certain things because he wanted to keep her on track. I hope this helps

I think you should both stick to your rules. don't chnage them for her because she is not there all the time. That would not be fair to your other child. You just have to tell her that you have house rules and that you expect her when she is there to obey them and when she is with her mom then she has to do what her mom says. I know it is hard to do that but if you stick with it I think you will find that she will eventually appreciate your rules as she gets older. Just stay strong together and don't bend for her becuase if she sees that she can break the rules now and get by with it then as she gets older you will really have a problem on your hands. I know I have been through the same thing. Good Luck