Helping Husband Deal with His Parents Break Up

I cannot believe how judgemental your husband's other siblings are being!!! Your poor FIL. That's right, I side with him! Your MIL hasn't given him any sex in years, so of course he strayed!!!! ANY MAN will stray if their wife doesn't give them sex for a very long time. That is a fact. Men NEED sex (more than just wanting it, they NEED it). Any man will cheat if he isn't getting any for a long time. Any man. Your FIL wanted to go to marriage counseling w/ your MIL and I assume she said no? Big mistake!!! For one of your husband's siblings to say he is never allowed in her house again is absolutely INSANE. He is not a child molester, he simply got sex from another woman because his wife sexually abandoned him for years. If he was a molester, then he should never be allowed in all of your houses again, but that is not what he is! He simply is a man with sexual needs who desperately wanted to be loved by his wife, but since she refused, he made it happen with another woman. Poor guy. Shame on everyone (except for you) for judging him and siding w/ your MIL. Regarding your husband dealing with this - have him seek therapy.

While I'm not defending your FIL's affair, it's essential that you all realize that a 3rd party never breaks up a healthy and happy marriage. So there were deep problems in the in-laws' marriage long before your FIL had his Facebook fling.

The kids need to stop taking sides and making it about THEM and how miserable they are. They have no idea what went on in their parents' marriage, and they don't sound interested in finding out. They just want to react and to take sides. They're upset, they're shocked, they're angry - all understandable. But that is not a good time to react and to make a decision (banning him from their houses, whatever). Everyone is in emotional pain here - Grandma, Grandpa, the adult children - and it's going to spread to the grandchildren. I'm not sure that taking Grandpa away from the grandchildren is good for them - talk about feelings of abandonment!

This other woman did not cause the problems in the marriage. It may not be smart of her to be involved with Grandpa right now as he is in transition. But if his whole family is banning him and turning on him, he might be tempted to continue to talk with her because he has no one else. I think his relationship with her on FB is a symptom of the marriage problem, but not the cause of it. I wouldn't focus on that or be pissed about it - I'd focus on getting some counseling for the adult kids involved so they can verbalize their feelings and make smart decisions instead of emotional ones.

I agree with momof3. Shame on his children! It sounds like your FIL tried to make things better. As far as banning him from seeing his grandchildren, he did nothing to them! The issues are between your FIL and his children's judgement of him. The issues are theirs period! Your husbands siblings are USING their children as leverage which, I believe, is worse than what your FIL did. They are putting their own feelings ahead of anyone else's. None of them were in their parents house everyday to see what was truly going on between their parents. Remember there are 3 sides to every story - his, hers and the truth! I could understand their anger if their father was physically abusive or as momof3 said a child molester. However, he is neither. He's just a man who needed attention. If he went some eplace else to get it, well then he obviously wasn't getting it at home. As far as your husband goes, therapy helps. It helped me after my Mom left my dad after 47 years of marriage. I was so relieved to finally see her happy! When it comes to your sibs-in-law, you're doing the right thing - keep your opinions to yourself. Emotions are high and if you start to defend one or the other it can only backfire. Good luck to you and your family.

There is no need to "pick sides"!
Your FIL was unfaithful, but it is a symptom of a marriage gone bad.
Most likely there there is no right or wrong party here.
Your husband loves his mom and his dad.
Don't take part in the family freak out.
Living apart is probably what is best for both of them.
Just because things looked "normal" from the outside, doesn't mean it was. Obviously, this marriage was broken for some time.
Just listen to your husband and encourage him to maintain a good relationship with both of his parents.

what a hard situation. i hope the siblings move through their grief and don't really follow through on their threats to remove the dad from their lives and their children's lives. they probably will recover their sanity. this is a shock for everyone, and not everyone reacts well to this sort of situation.
you sure do, though. i'm glad your husband has you. i love your attitude toward this mess.
don't be pissed at your FIL. yes, he behaved dishonorably, but you don't know how it will work out down the road. this FB woman might be the love of his life. this divorce might free your MIL to on a mediterranean cruise and meet hers. obviously they spent most of their lives together, creating a wonderful family and having mostly good times. that doesn't mean it's supposed to be forever.
just be there for your husband, listening if he needs it, distracting him if he needs it, being a sounding board for his grief and pain.
i'm glad he's got you.
khairete
S.

I think you should just listen to your husband when he needs to talk. The only difference in dealing with his folks now is that they'll go their separate ways (meet/date (maybe marry) other people if they want to), but they'll always have connections through family.
It's just me, but I think the family should avoid taking sides.
After 38 years, I'm sure they've both contributed plenty of straws on the pile of grievances and they've finally hit that last straw. Their relationship was between them and now their break-up should also be between them.
They'll be playing he-said/she-said for a long time. Listen to them both, do not get drawn in (as much as possible), no passing info back and forth - let them talk to each other (or let their lawyers talk). It's going to be hard dealing with family gossip. Just tune it out or hang up on it if people whip themselves into a righteous soap-box sermon. You are not going to be able to please everyone, so don't try. Hang in there!

You need to be there for your husband. The divorce is not a sign that he did not have loving parents at one time.

Being married is work everyday. If you do not work on it, you can lose it.. This was his PARENTS relationship. No one should take any sides.. That is not what real families do.. Instead you all support one another through thick and thin.

You can be disappointed or have your feeling hurt, but do not allow this to break up family relationships.. You do not know how much more time his father or mother will be alive..

I also suggest your husband go and have a check up with his doctor and explain what has happened.. This will give his physician a starting point in case your husbands health starts to be affected by all of this. He should maybe see a therapist.

Try to be Switzerland and be neutral. I am sorry your husband is so devastated, let him share all of his feeling with you. No one knows what is going on in anyone else's homes.. But you all can be there to support those in need.

it takes 2 people to cause a divorce. wether bothadmit to it or not it takes 2. he has the right to be upset with his dad or not. he will feel divided cause he loves both parents and doesnt want to offend one over the other. normal behaviour for a child of divorce and I doubt that age matters. divorce is like a death he will just need time to adjust. yes he made a mistake but the old saying goes "love is blind" not to say that he loves her he is intrigued with the new. when the new wears off it will be atotal reality check. new isnt always better either and that will hit him hard in time. about 2-3 yrs from now.

she playing the martyr is the reason for him lookingfor happiness elsewhere. so are the guilt trips. he is human and will make mistakes that he cant fix and this is one of them. this is something the parents need to work out in thier own way and he needs to stay out of the middle of it at all cost.nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors we dont tellthe kids everything for their protection. all kids tend to side in a divorce. not necessarily with the right parent. mine sided with his dad who had an affair and beat me. but it didnt last long dad convinced himhe was innocent of all wrong doing. and convincedhim it was all my fault for leaving and blah blah blah. the one thing i do admire out of your fil is he is admitting he is doing wrong instead of blaming mil. he will deal with it in his own time and his own way. just be supportive and everything you hear about divorced kids may apply at all ages I am not sure though.

I think your husband is grieving the loss of his parent's marriage. Clearly you understand his pain, but only time will let him start seeing the situation in a new light. He maybe in disbelief to the point that "if what he thought was real and it wasn't, then what else is?" Don't know your husband's age or his experience growing up, but once he releases some of his feeling (it's great he is crying), he may be able to see that his parent's divorce doesn't mean they are divorcin him. Please suggest to your husband to consider short term counseling or an online support group. All the best through this difficult time.

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. I went through a similar situation with my parents a few years ago, and it is incredibly difficult as an adult child to live through the divorce of their parents. I agree with many of the other posts that your hubby really needs your unconditional support right now. He will probably go through stages of disagreements with his siblings and possibly both parents, and he needs you to be his rock that he can look to for support, or just as a way for him to vent without being judged.

I absolutely disagree with many of the other posts that indicate that your MIL somehow deserves to be cheated on because she may have nagged or belitted your FIL. I don't know of anyone that is perfect in their marriage, and i certainly have nagged here and there - i'd like to meet a wife that has never nagged their husband or vice versa. Call me old fashioned in this world where sex and cheating are all over the tv & internet, but to me, there is never any excuse to go outside your marriage and cheat. If you want to cheat, get a divorce. If you have needs that are not being met, take care of your responsibilies first, so that you are free to go out and meet your needs whatever way you choose. Also, I don't feel that any child, adult or otherwise, trying to deal with the divorce of their parents should be judged for the decisions that they make as they work their way through it. Whatever your husband's sibilings decide to do, they need to be allowed to make those decisions for themselves and their families. Most likely blanket statements such as he will never see my kids again or be welcome in my home are made in a state of anger, which will wane over time, and his siblings will hopefully eventually find a way to work their relationship with their father out. Talking about the situation with each other is helpful and theraputic, but everyone should be allowed to have their own space and make their own decisions without being judged by everyone else.

I will keep your family in my prayers - I hope you all can get through this with the least amount of drama and i really hope that the sibling relationships can be protected - it is so helpful to have siblings that support each other and allow each other to deal in their own way.

sending lots of hugs
~T.

I'm so sorry to hear that your family is going through this. Divorce is so difficult on everyone involved. My suggestion would be to be emotionally present for him as much as you can. He may need to go to therapy, which is a completely reasonable approach to handling this devastating situation. In fact, it would probably be good for him to do that. There is going to be a lot of grief surrounding this issue and having a therapist involved can be very useful.

We went through something similar with my in-laws. My FIL is an alcoholic and prone to depression. My MIL leaves him from time-to-time, but last Christmas it was so out-of-control that she left w/o anything and my BIL checked him into the hospital. We were in FL and found-out when we returned. He checked himself out AMA and my BIL has all but cut him out of his life entirely.

Here's the similarity... he's my son's grandfather and they have a blast together. My husband has been hurt repeatedly by his father's behavior and his refusal to get consistent help, but that's not my son's problem

Essentially, we have set-up our parameters and others have theirs too. I do not allow my son to be around his grandfather unless one of us is there and only for short periods of time (2-3 hours at the MOST). My BIL tolerates him during family parties, but does not choose to be around him aside from that.

Do what you're comfortable with, but don't expect the other siblings (especially the "steps") to react the same way. My SIL is actually my husband's "half sister" and she basically stays away from FIL altogether b/c of the way he treats her mother. Each person reacts differently to this kind of event and that's okay.

BTW... if he knew it was a mistake and he was truly sorry, he wouldn't be communicating with her any longer. Stay out of it entirely. Listen to your husband and follow his lead. If he wants to "forgive and forget", then go with it. If he's angry and doesn't want to see his father for a while... go with it.

It doesn't matter how old your children are- divorce divides families. My husband and his brother will be 37 this week and they reacted the same way my school-aged clients would have reacted.

This happened to me 3 hrs ago. My dad was the cheater. I would say the main thing that helped was a supportive spouse. My mom was devastated... It was a lot of work especially in year one to deal with both of them. Very stressful on the marriage because my hubby while supportive, changed his opinion on both my parents.

My advice would be supportive. Let your husband decide how to handle his parents. You both will discover personality traits of each of them as individuals good and bad. Don't judge. I'd say it takes two to be in a marriage, and although your fill chose to go outside the marriage instead of working on it, there was something wrong between them.

My other advice if possible is to tell both parents you don't want gory details. If they need to vent, a shrink or a friend is better.

I'm assuming your kids are adults? If so let each deal in their own way... In my situation, me and my brother were on the same page, but on the other womans family, one cut off talking to her... You just have to do what is right for your family and conscience. I chose to keep my dad in my life, bc their marital issues had nothing to do with me. I did tell my dad that if he stayed with the other woman it would limit his time with us, bc we would never hang out with her...(she also used to be a close family friend of 20 yrs). But I made that his choice. He thought we would want him to be happy... I said to him he can do what he wants, but our choice is to not be around her....

It is very stressful.... Yr 1 is the worst. I was told about this time as well. It's weird...people don't understand how awful it is until you go through it. It took me a long time to not be mad at my dad, my mom became very needy and emotional... Didn't eat well for awhile, lost a lot of weight, didn't sleep more than 2 hrs, etc. My dad took away her life they built together, and no matter how she treated him or talked to him, she didn't deserve that. He could have tried to work things out or just asked to be out of it....