Every Time I Do Something Special...

If she normally has dessert on Sunday night but didn't get it last night because she already had her Slushie treat then it really wasn't something "extra" it was a trade. If you didn't tell her it was a trade, I can honestly see why this would upset a child. I do have to wonder though why she didn't think the M&Ms were dessert.

Sounds like you're bribing her all day in the hope that she'll behave and it's not working.
You can't do anything nice or extra for awhile (6 months to a year).
Instead of giving her candy/treats for behaving, make it clear that privileges must be constantly earned with good behavior.
If she starts up with any begging when you've told her 'No', then she gets no recreational screen time (she can only use the computer for homework) (no tv, computer, cell phone, computer games, etc).
You're not taking anything away because she didn't behave - she's not earning privileges by not behaving - there's a difference.
The 2nd way puts things into her control.
There's a direct cause and effect and all she has to do is listen to 'No' and then CUT OUT the begging/whining/nagging for MORE/MORE/MORE.
You tell her before going anywhere - we're getting only this thing, no more, if you ask for anything else, you get one warning, then if you ask again no screen time tonight and you go right to bed after dinner.
Then hold her to it.
She'll try it out a few times but stick to what you said you'd do and eventually she'll believe that you mean 'No' when you say 'No'.

You still have many more of these days to come. I think you are doing everything right and if I would make any change, I would move the movie night to a night she deserves it or let her know you will pick a night when she is good for the week.

I'm with Doris Day on this.

Some kids you can have discussions with - but not yours. You are doing a great job in really setting limits and not giving in. But I think it's not enough of this kid, or at least she's going through a phase where she's even more dramatic.

She's getting a payoff with the discussions, and she's going to nag you until you give in (which you don't) or until she has a tantrum (which she does). So no more "special" stuff because she can't control herself. You shouldn't have to tell her over and over that we aren't getting anything at Michael's except the project supplies. If she nags, then out she goes into the car and you go home. Oh, you didn't get the project supplies? Oh well. So she goes to school without the project and she can explain to the teacher that she was unable to behave in the store to purchase the necessary items, so the project is incomplete. (Believe me, having to talk to the teacher or the principal is a huge motivator.) You and I know that nothing terrible will happen in the long run if an assignment isn't done, but the shame of having such a tantrum that Mom couldn't even complete a shopping trip is something that she'll probably only go through once. No notes from you, no excuses, no made up reason why it's not done. She didn't behave in the store and you had to leave. Period.

You are entitled to have her behave in the store. That is not something that gets rewarded. Failure to behave gets punished. There's a difference.

I think you have to stop talking to her - she gets it in her head, as you say, and so you keep repeating it for her. But that's not the point. She's getting off on the argument itself. You have to walk away or send her away to her room.

I think the answer on Dolphin Tale 2 is NO. Because she cannot control herself, because a treat is never enough. I understand the idea of punishing her with sentences but if you have to police her to get that assignment done, then she's getting even more negative attention.

When I took teacher workshops, one great presenter talked about using this phrase: "How unfortunate for YOU." Like when the kid refuses to wear gloves out to recess and then complains about how she can't play because her hands are cold and she has to put them in her pocket, instead of the teacher saying, "I told you 3 times it was cold out," the teacher says, "How unfortunate for YOU. MY hands are nice and warm because I remembered to put on my gloves." So when she tells you that her little friends went to Dolphin Tale 2, you say, "How unfortunate for you. I guess Susie and Jill behaved and so they got to go."

I also think there's some value to teaching kids early on about helping those less fortunate. Putting kids to work culling through their old toys and games for a shelter, or collecting household items for new Americans, or making cookies for the police or firefighters who work the night shift, or going door to door to collect items for the food pantry (and not just cleaning out your cabinet of the stuff she doesn't like) - and then having to deliver all the items herself - is a great motivator and a lesson in gratitude. Get the good feeling from doing good things, not just the negative lesson for not behaving. And the good feeling is the reward. That might meet your need for appreciation since you feel that nothing you do is enough. Let her see how much she really has.

I also have taken away all the toys - no kidding, all of them - and put them in the attic when my son didn't appreciate them or treat them well. I left books and stuffed animals (and his special blanket for comfort), but I took away toys. Having every Lego and Hot Wheel in the attic for 2 weeks straightened him right out.

Hang in there. I know this is totally exhausting.

this is what bribes end up doing.

Stop bribing your child to behave. Tell her your expectations, consequences for misbehaving and follow through. My kids KNOW what I expect from them. When they behave? I acknowledge their behavior with a "THANK YOU" no candy, no slushie. nothing but a thank you. They are happy because mommy didn't get mad!! LOL!!

In regards to dessert? Yesterday was Sunday and the weekend. SO IF you ONLY do desserts on the weekend, she should have gotten one. If she wasn't you should have stated when you got her the slushie or gave her the candy "Honey, this is your substitute for dessert tonight". And dealt with it head on.

You've raised a princess, more like a queen in the making. You bow to her. You walk on pins and needles HOPING she'll behave. HOPING she will follow the rules. Why not be the parent? LEAD. Be the role model. Tell her your expectations. Tell her the consequences of NOT following the rules and expectations and follow through.

I would STOP with any "special treats". Make her EARN her way. She's not learning anything with the bribes other than I can pretend for 5 minutes in the store, get something I want and then throw a fit.

Stop changing the rules. Stop changing the expectations.
Set the rules and expectations. Tell her the consequences of breaking the rules and follow through.

Next time don't give her candy and stuff during the day if it effects her dessert after dinner. That's the issue, she expected dessert because it is the family tradition so she had a melt down because she absolutely expected dessert like always.

So next time don't give her dessert during the day.

Behaving well in a store (or any public place) deserves the reward of your interaction, eye contact, conversation and pleasant smile. Behaving well in a store does not warrant a "special" treat that can be purchased. You just taught your daughter that you can be bribed, and that ordinary good manners can be bought. So of course, she's throwing a fit so that you'll buy her good behavior. It has worked before, why wouldn't it work now?

Behaving inappropriately in a store deserves the removal of your eye contact, your attention, your words. Don't get dramatic, or show how frustrated you are, because that feeds the behavior.

Doing things with your child should not be perceived as "special". A truly special event is a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Disney with grandparents, or getting to visit a new baby cousin that's just been born, or attending a wedding. Running errands, seeing a movie from time to time, stopping by the ice cream shop, watching her soccer game - those kinds of things are simply spending time with your child, teaching her, giving her your attention, imparting your values to her, and demonstrating what family means.

Of course, you won't go to that movie if her homework hasn't been done, or if she didn't do her chores, but it's a simple equation. Imagine you had a job at an office. Your job responsibilities include filing, maintaining client's records on the computer, and greeting clients. So your boss sees you answering the phone and politely handling the caller's request. You've also filed the files in the proper place and the computer data base is up to date. Would you expect your boss to bring you a cake and get an extra hour for lunch? No, you expect your paycheck at the end of the week as usual. And if you haven't done your work, you'll be made to stay later and fix the mess you made, or you'll get training to learn how to answer the phone politely, or you'll lose your job.

You said that NO means NO. But it really doesn't, with you, does it? You told her no extras in the craft store, and to enforce that rule, you promised her a slushie afterwards. If NO had meant NO, you would have bought the poster board and the marker or whatever you needed for the school project, told her that you expected her to be quiet and respectful in the store, told her "I have a few extra minutes - sure! Let's walk through the fabric department and look at the costume ideas. It's free to wander around, but just remember, we won't be buying anything that wasn't on our list.", and you would have done just that while chatting with her about her day and gone home.

So you'll have to redefine your spending time with her, and teach her that you cannot be bribed, and you'll have to apologize to her for sending her such a mixed message. And you'll have to lay out how things will work from now on. She'll behave, you will all spend time as a family (sometimes doing something fun like soccer, and sometimes grocery shopping or sweeping out the garage) and sometimes you'll have extra cash and time and swing through the slushie place, and sometimes you'll see a movie and sometimes you'll be balancing the checkbook and she'll be doing her homework. And good behavior gets the reward of being with the family and bad behavior means being removed from the family time. You cannot be bribed anymore.

I wouldn't ever use the "if you're good in here I'll buy you a treat" story. My sister does that with my niece and she is a terror to shop with. Yesterday she did okay, but she also asked me if I liked a set of bracelets and then told me if I behaved, she would buy them for me. WHAT?!?! She's 5!! At lunch she told me if I finished my lunch she would get me dessert. Umm, how about no!

My kids know how to behave and there is no reward for behaving other than not being punished. Not everything has to get a treat. I EXPECT my kids to not act like fools in a store. If they are bad, they know there will be consequences. If they are good, I may get them something, but I do not ever tell them it's because they were good in the store. They get treats because when they are good, I enjoy to do nice things for them. But they do not expect anything ever.

If she doesn't understand you explaining something to her, then you need to tell her when M. says no, the answer is no. Any arguing after the fact will result in further punishment. My kids do really well with understanding why answers are what they are, but some kids don't, I get that. And it's not always necessary to explain why your answer is what it is either.

So I suggest to stop treating her because of her good behavior if you know it turns in to a meltdown later on. Maybe set her up for a week...go a full week without meltdowns, and we'll go to the park for an hour or something. Don't always make the treat food either....that feeds into our cultural way of always celebrating with food. So maybe those Halloween decorations she wanted...if she does well this whole week at school and at home (meaning she may need some reminders to act right), they go buy them this weekend.

Sorry but I think you mishandled this completely. You and your husband should have let her know that if she had the slush and the M&M's, that she was going to later forego the dessert that she looks forward to and relies on as part of her weekend routine. You changed the rules, didn't tell her, and didn't give her the chance to choose.

If dessert on the weekends is part of your normal routine, then a sugary treat during the day on top of that needs to be a bonus, not a trade. You made her trade and didn't give her a choice about it. THAT is why she's mad and I would be too if I were her.

I would suggest that from here on out, if you're rationing sweet treats, that you find a way to treat her to something that's not food during the day. If I were you, I would have allowed her to buy something at Michael's and then the dessert thing would have been a non-issue later. And I would apologize to her for mis-handling the day and not being clear with your expectations and not giving her a choice.

I have the same problem, now with a 13 yr. old with an overblown sense of entitlement. I'm a single mom, who's scrimped and gone without to provide her with ballet, swim, music, iceskating,etc. lessons and to send her to a private school accredited by the government of France through grade 5. She even complains about the all expense paid trip to France the school provided her with just prior to graduation.

Now, she sneaks around behind my back, gets bad grades, steals from family, friends, and school -- but is completely charming and personable. I'm moving to a tough love state this spring, where she can get a job at age 14 stocking shelves or something similar as a lesson in responsibility and tedious, hard work and to begin providing all the extras for herself.

Someone once told me, "You shouldn't do so much for your daughter. She's just going to turn around and bite you in the butt." My advice to you is to STOP! Right now, before you create the spoiled brat I created.

Your daughter has always been a child that tests you.

It is just her personality. You are doing very well by sticking to what you say and she is doing a good job of testing it every time.

I know you want to reward her, but she may be the type of child that just does better on a an even tighter schedule and expectation.

You will need to hold back on unexpected treats and surprises, because if she sees an inch, she always wants a mile. She just cannot handle it like other kids at this point.

Or you will always need to be prepared for this type of behavior each time you try to treat her with a change in plans or a surprise.

Yes, we have known a few kids like this. It never fails that they will push and push to get as much as they can. There is just something about them that makes them want to push the limits.

She could make a good attorney! But more than likely she will mature and grow out of this. She sounds quite bright. Her mind is always going.

Stick to your rules and consider that treats and special events, will still need to be negotiated with this child. Just be sure you have options you are willing to give her.

Please look again at Doris Day's excellent answer. It's tough to read, but you need to listen to her advice.

As a mom who likes to do special things with my daughter, I really do know how much you enjoy that. But your daughter can't handle "special" because she can't even handle the day to day necessities (like a simple shopping stop that turns into a blowup hours down the road).

To Doris Day's spot-on assessment of the situation, I would add this: If you have to take her into any kind of store with you, never, ever go in without a written list. If she is a kid who does well with being given some responsibility, you can put her in charge of the list, carrying it and ticking off items as you get them. Never deviate from the list (even if you find something you just then realize you need; you're making a point here that you can flex on later when she's older, but right now the list must be the list and nothing that's not on the list goes home with you). If she cajoles and begs and fusses, you have the list: "If it's not on the list, we don't get it on this trip." Every single time. If she argues, ignore her.

And as others say, no more "you can have X if you behave." I know! You're thinking of it as a reward, not a bribe, and I get that, but she is only behaving (at least in the example you give) because of the promised reward/bribe, not because it will please mom if she behaves. If she's smart, and it sounds like she is, she might say, "Last time you promised me a slushy if I didn't ask for stuff. So do I get one today if I don't ask?" Be ready for this to happen and have your reply on hand: "No, not today. Coming to the store with me is a privilege. If you don't behave, you won't come to any store for a month." Make sure she knows what the definition of "behave" is -- does it mean not askiing for things that are not on the list? Etc.

I can see how the slushy-candy-dessert thing happened. We also rarely do desserts. You weren't thinking ahead when you offered that slushy, and dad might not have gotten the whole sweets thing when he offered M&Ms. You just need to think further ahead and to stop offering ANY reward that is food, period, because it sets up issues like that.

Have you ever tried the "I'm disappointed in your behavior" route? Tried to move her toward wanting to please you and dad for the sake of just getting your approval, rather than for the "rewards" she can get? Some kids respond to the idea that mom is disappointed in them, some are so stubborn they won't. But I'd try it with her.

You CAN gradually get her out of this stage if you and dad together are very consistent and stay calm. If she seems to enjoy arguing with you and getting you worked up, learn to walk away from her and tell her the conversation is now over; if you have trouble doing that now, you need to learn to do it. It will provide a "short, sharp shock" to her if she's used to your engaging with her and talking, then arguing with her -- Just go cold, say, "I've said no, and that's the end of the discussion. I'm going to go now." And walk off and do something else and don't let her get you to talk to her more, if she follows you etc.

Regarding the movie -- is your concern that she will see it as another bribe? Or that on the day of the movie, the movie stop itself will not be enough and she will demand candy, popcorn, and a shopping trip at the mall after the movie--? I would take her (as long as you have NOT set up the movie as some reward for something -- no more rewards like that!) but sit down face to face and say calmly, "We're going to the movie but because we are having dinner afterward, no one is getting anything to eat AT the movie theatre, and we have to leave the mall right after the movie to go to dinner. Got that?" Make sure she is looking you straight in the eye. Set expectations up front and walk swiftly by that candy counter when you get there. If you must, in the car as you arrive, repeat it: "OK, remember, no one gets any food at the theatre today. We are eating afterward."

Writing sentences as a consequence will mean nothing to her and just make her sit there and stew. Even teachers at school don't use that one any more. Did taking away things from her actually work to change her behavior when you've done it in the past? Then use it, but take care that she knows what you mean by good behavior -- at seven, she still needs specific examples from you of how "doing X will get toy Y taken away for one week" and so on -- be specific with the behavior, the consequence (make it something she really will hurt to miss) and how long the consequence lasts.

You're doing great! It will go away... only 2 cents I have is make sure you're clear early on as in, "dd you know this is your weekend dessert right?" So she feels some power of choice. I think it's hard being a kid too!

My 8 year old daughter is like this too. Usually, the meltdown has less to do with what she wants, and more to do with how she is feeling that day (tired, cranky, hungry, sad because she got snubbed by a friend at school, etc) I think you handled it just fine.

At this point, how YOU feel about her behavior is more important. You are doing a good job setting limits with your daughter. It is her job as a child to act horribly. Now you can set limits with how you react. I think you can cut yourself a break and know that you did the best that you could to try to reason with a 7 year old. Feel free to stop doing special things for her until you feel that she has earned them. That way, you won't be disappointed and frustrated when she whines and cries about not getting more than what you have kindly offered.

Hang in there, momma. I hear the teen years are even worse!

You've received lots of good advice for how to stop this behaviour. My comments are suggestions on how to manage the situation once it's to this point. I suggest a combination of clear rules and immediate consequences as well as no bribes/rewards, along with better communication and acknowledging feelings and how to manage them will help.

I urge you to read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and how to Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I've learned that how we word things makes a big difference in the way kids respond. Our attitude makes a big difference too. You expect her to react this way and can unconsciously create the atmosphere in which it happens. I suggest that if you'd been able to be sympathetic she would be less apt to have a major meltdown.

I've also learned to not try to calm children down. When we do so the child feels misunderstood which brings up more anger. I would've been sympathetic to no dessert. I would've either let her express her feelings right then and there or would've, without anger, sent her to her room saying she should come get you when she was ready for bedtime routine. Or I would've gone to her when she calmed down and began routine without another word about dessert.

Another way to handle no dessert that works for me is to say no dessert but you can have an apple. Said all in one sentence. And then just repeat you can have an apple if she begs.

Anger is energy and for that energy to continue it has to have energy pushing back. The more we push by repeating no in a frustrated voice the more her anger grows.

One phrase I learned in a parenting class started with the word "nevertheless. " Repeat the child's statement."That's unfair. Nevertheless, it's an apple or nothing." No need to convince her of anything. Our goal is to enforce our rule.

Another way to handle the continued screaming is to go in, sit on the bed or in a chair with a bedtime story book and just quietly wait without saying anything. Sometimes I go in, wait a few minutes, go out, do something and go back in again. One possible reason for her escalating is fear because she knows she's out of control and can't stop.

If you decide to try any of these, know it's a different way than she's used to you doing. It may take several times before she is able to change her response.

When she's calm during an ordinary day talk with her about how she feels. Do more listening than talking. Validate her feelings. During subsequent conversations discuss how she can manage her disappointment and anger. Teach skills. Along the way tell her how you feel when she acts this way. Make this behaviour a problem you solve together.

Welcome to my world. My daughter is also strong-willed. So, I get it. Mine seems to get something in her head and then has a meltdown if it doesn't align with reality or my schedule. It's her personality and the only thing I have found that works is really strong communication up front. So, I might say, we have time to go to the store tomorrow at 7pm, but we can't go sooner. Then she won't get it in her head that she "might" have time to go. I have learned this the hard way, since even lately she has decided she wants to go somewhere and has a fit when we can't do it. She does the same thing with sweets, but less and less now that she's older.

So, in your case you (or your husband) would have let her know before you gave her the M&M's that this was the rest of her daily dessert and ask her if she wanted to go through with the M&M's or have a cookie after dinner...or whatever. It's insane to have to be so on top of communication, but it really does help. Any kind of choice seems to help my daughter too. Then, if all heck breaks loose and I haven't remembered to communicate up front, empathy works during the meltdown to make it ease up. I stick to my guns, but empathize for her frustration and i try my best not to lecture.

So in her mind it was a weekend and weekends u do desert at bedtime???

If she had had the choice of slushie after the store or desert like normal would that have changed her behavior?

Any chance she was extra tired from the game?

I know none of that makes her behavior ok, but it might not be the treat so much as other factors.

I have no advice, but just wanted to say I understand completely how you feel. It was always like that with my daughter - it was never enough or good enough and if I made an exception to the rule, she thought it re-wrote the rule. Even when I'd tell her that this was an exception, she never seemed to believe that and it turned out to be a problem down the road.

Two thoughts:

First, it sounds like, right now, your daughter just can't handle shopping trips. I mean, maybe you could take her to Costco or something. Maybe you could take her to Sears to look at washing machines. But, self-control is a skill, and your daughter only has so much of it. If a child had just learned to swim, that day, the swimming teacher wouldn't have her diving off the high dive, right? Because her skills weren't up to it. With your daughter, her self-control and behavior skills are not at the right level for a store like Michael's. It's like taking a brand-new swimmer to the deep end. She's drowning in consumer desire. So, don't take her to Michael's! That's just setting her up to fail. Let her mature. Have her build her skills in the shallow end (aka, maybe, the grocery store).

And, it sounds like you're operating in "long reciprocity cycles": "If you're good now, I'll give you a special treat 6 hours later." Kids don't work that way. If they're good, they need an immediate reward. If they do something that warrants a punishment, that punishment needs to be instantaneous. If you think about it, even adults have a hard time with super-long reciprocity cycles: "I know I need to save for retirement, 30 years down the road, but I really want this vacation / cute outfit / night out / etc." And our brains are as fully developed as they're going to get. For your daughter, the notion that she had a treat earlier so she doesn't get one now, that doesn't compute. What you need to do is, start from very brief reciprocity cycles. "As soon as you set the table for dessert, you get to eat dessert." "If you get dressed all by yourself, you can wear the shirt with the sparkles." Once that's working, extend it just slightly. "If you can be quiet for one whole hour, while I'm working, we'll do Rainbow Looms together. I'm setting the timer now, so you can see when our hour ends." Then, extend it to a 2-hour cycle: "If you can use an 'inside voice,' for 2 hours, you can have one cookie." But extend the cycle incrementally, and don't fall into the trap of offering a huge, wonderful reward. With that, the desire for the reward overwhelms the task at hand, and you get a meltdown. Keep the reward moderate, and she'll do a better job of focusing.

You obviously can't take away all special events and treats. So don't tell her that you are not going to do anything special with her if that's how she acts, because you won't be able to follow through on that, at least not forever.

I think you should just say no and then ignore the tantrums, just walk away and go about your business. I know it's hard to ignore tantrums, but it's possible. She just needs to learn that you mean it.

Good luck.

sounds like you have some good ideas, now just implement them and see how it goes.

My boys had a tendency to be this way as well. They are in their early teens right now and things have changed. About 4 years ago we joined a church that was extremely service oriented. Several times a year, they have pet projects that send us out into our community to do for others. Food banks, orphanages, repairing homes, yard clean-up, you name it, we do it. As a church we do this several times a year and for a while, they grumbled but now they have a heart for service and it has truly changed us as a family. I think all people can get this way and sometimes it just takes putting others first to change your thinking. Anyway, something to think about....

The movie just came out. I would tell her you will still take her to see it but might wait a couple weekends to see how she acts. Tell her it was not ok with what happened and she needs to change her attitude and the way she responds to things. Maybe have her do 25 jumping jacks every time she talks back. We have done that with my son and it really helps to shut him down. Good luck.

Honestly, I think you're handling it perfectly. You're consistent and fair. You don't give in. I don't think she's remotely confused about the issue, I think she's just doing something that's pretty typical at her age: Pushing to see if you'll relent at some point.

If you do want to do something as a consequence, I would encourage you to ensure that it fits the crime pretty closely. For instance, my youngest used to dally at bedtime. I didn't say much, other than "go to bed right now." But he'd already be 20 or 30 minutes past bedtime. The next night, I'd tell him to go to bed 20 or 30 minutes early. He'd see the clock and know his normal bedtime and ask why...and I told him. He "earned" his early bedtime by dallying the night before. If he wanted to earn an even earlier bedtime, he could dally again. He got the point quickly and dallying at bedtime was no longer an issue. The reason it worked so well is because it fit the situation.

Overall though, I'll say again, I think you're doing well in this. ♥