Should Have Given Coal

this is also common in children who have sensitivities to artificial colorants in foods (christmas cookie frosting, candy canes, etc.) red and blue dyes can cause terrible behavior problems. It is also hard to diagnose unless you just cut it all out then after 2 weeks introduce a colorant at a time to see which ones set him off. try that. Lots of children go undiagnosed with this issue and end up on meds when diet changes could solve everything.

good luck

You have gotten quite a bit of advice - and I confess I didn't read near all of it.
I just wanted to share that food dye, not sugar, seems to be the culprit for my two kids. Since eliminating artificial food dyes (found in most, if not all, candy) - my kids (mainly my daughter) have been SOOO much easier to get along with...especially compared to before.
Just wanted to share in case it helps you out

K., mama to
Catherine, 5y
Samuel, 2y

You did not say if you worked or were a SAHM it sounds like he need activities out of the house. Other kids to play with he will learn manners with others. They will punish him for things that he does wrong in their eyes. The throwing trantrum's is a way if getting attention be it good or bad he is needing some one on one and some group activities out of the house. Try it for a week and see if it helps. A plus for these is he will be worn out and you may have some quite time while he sleeps. Good luck.

Hi! I do home training for kids with behavior problems, and I am a strong believer in natural consequences. That means the punishment needs to fit the crime. If he whines (or screams) about what you are making for dinner, he doesn't eat. ANYTHING. If he has an attitude about opening presents, he doesn't get to open presents. The trick to curbing behavior problems is to make the punishment easy to understand so a child can anticipate the consequences. If they make bad choices it is still a CHOICE, and they are choosing the punishment as well. I always give warnings and they sound like this, "You have a choice. You can sit nicely while Mommy opens a present and then have your turn, or you can continue screaming and have a time out. If I have to put you in time out, you will not be opening any more presents today. What is your choice?" And then do it. If he makes a time out choice after you have told him the consequences you MUST not allow him to open the presents (or whatever the consequence was). Now to prevent this and other behaviors, I love to use a visual timer. When it's time to open presents (or any other task that he has bad behavior for) you say, "You have opened your present, now it is going to be Mommy's turn." (Set the clock) "When this timer is done, it will be your turn to open another present." The visual timer shows children how much time is left, and it gives them a defined, limited time in which they need to behave. It is very effective in getting children who have impulse control issues (like most young children) to control themselves for a short amount of time. The trick is to start really small, and let him see he can wait, and then as soon as the time is up give him what he has been waiting for immediately. A visual timer is not like a regular timer. Here is an example of what one looks like (http://www.timetimer.com/products.php) Now, as for his birthday party, you can NOT make it a consequence for Christmas. There is not going to be any connection in his mind, so it would not be a logical punishment. That doesn't mean you shouldn't take Christmas into consideration when planning his party. Make sure you consider what made him agitated during Christmas (the waiting, the sugar, whatever it was) and find ways to avoid or minimize those. If there was one message I could give to parents, it would be to learn their child's limitations and only plan activities that were within those expectations. If you have expectations that exceed what your child can behave like on a normal basis, you are setting yourself and your child up for disappointment and bad behavior. That doesn't mean your expectations were unreasonable, just possibly unreasonable for your particular child. I'm sure you were appalled at his behavior yesterday because you were thinking most children would have been fine and well behaved with the wonderful Christmas you had planned. And probably most children would have. It is a very very hard thing to accept when your child doesn't act the way you think he should. But the best thing you can do is to give him tools to increase good behavior so he can be a child who is fun to be around in any situation. If you have any more questions on tips on how to handle specific situations, feel free to email me. I don't have all the answers, but I'll be happy to shares the ones I do have.

oh, don't take away his birthday! Its important for children's mental development and self-confidence to be told that they are 'good', for them to think of themselves as 'good'. Let yesterday go... Whenever my daughter has a rough day, I remind myself that her meltdowns were partially due to her behavior (obviously), partially due to her age and partially my fault... either because I didn't feed her well (like I indulged her with quick to prepare carbohydrates instead of proteins), or I didn't feed her on time, or we let her eat high sugar or high white flour foods (which is metabolized into sugar), or we let her get overwhelmed with too many presents all at once...

Honestly, it sounds like your son was overwhelmed by both a sugar rush and christmas morning adrenaline. At his present age 4 (plus you already recognize that he has difficulty in those situations), I hate to sound harsh, but you set yourself up for it. Ok, yesterday is over... Now you know. Next time, you and your husband will have a game plan.... Next Easter, next Christmas will be more structured, you'll tell him the rules in advance ("everyone takes turns to open presents"), he knows what to expect, etc.

Some kids need special attention to their diet in order to achieve happy, manageable behavior. It sounds like you already know your son is one of those kids... (I know, its hard to read ingredient lables! It sucks!) But you need to adjust his diet, not only for when he is a little kid but more importantly when he is older, when school work and grades start to matter, etc. If it was me, I'd review his diet, looking at other things in addition to sugar and high fructose corn syrup: How much white flour does he eat? How much carbs vs. protein? How much processed, ready to eat foods? How much food with preservatives, artificial coloring, MSG or nitrites? How much juice versus water or milk? Do you give him a high quality children's multivitamin?

For his birthday, maybe you can decrease the amount of sugar at the party... Avoid cake and frosting and opt for sugar free ice-cream and plain cones... Or they can decorate the ice-cream with sprinkles and fruit. Its easy to give sugar to kids... its cheap and they like it. Its much harder to plan a birthday without it, which is probably why most birthdays don't go that route... But do give him a party.

The stress of the "special holiday" was way too much for him. He wasn't trying to ruin it for you, he just couldn't cope anymore. Don't do it as a punishment, but keep his Birthday small as a way of setting him up to succeed, instead of fail again with his behavior. Move back into your routine of stickers, etc. to get him back on track and don't mention past regression (as it won't help him anyway).
I totally know how you feel about trying to make a special time and having the kids freak out. We were literally in the car looking at Christmas lights saying "Stop teasing each other and start having fun!" when we gave up and just went home. Oh well. Maybe we'll see more lights next year.

This time of year seems be load people up on sugar...oh boy!!! I have found that if our bodies are filled with enough protein, the sugar affect is not quite so dramatic. Try having your son eat lots of protein before the sugar load. Make sure the sugar is in moderation and keep giving him protein. We had an issue with my son yesterday too and I'm sure he helped himself to all the goodies around. Just remember, protein, protein, protein. I hope this helps. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Deborah

Hello J.,

My kiddos, twin 4 year old girls, had the same kind of day yesterday. It was total meltdown for both to varying degrees. I can say from experience with my oldest two (14 and 11) that it is the combination of sleep deprivation, excitement, sugar high and emotional overload. I sent them to their rooms until they calmed down, and that at least saved my sanity. If he knows that he is going to have a party, then you will get exactly what you got yesterday. When they are excited about something, that they know is coming, some children have a hard time sleeping the days before and then the excitement on the day of is too much for their little bodies to take. My 11 year old experiences this still even though she is older. They seem to do better if you tell them the day of what is going to happen. Play down the hype and just let the day come on quietly. I wouldn't penalize him for the meltdown, and I would be willing to bet that his behavior today would be much better after some much needed rest. Just don't play up his birthday too much to him, because he will be too excited to sleep the day before and his behavior will suffer on the day of. I also would make sure that sugar was kept to a minimum and that the activities were not too overwhelming for his age. Simple is always best.

Hi Tia,

I'm sorry that your day did not go as you had hoped! I obviously do not know your child but do you think that maybe he was overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, toys, etc? Did he get a good nights sleep on Christmas eve? And if he did eat more sugar than he normally does then I'm sure that added to the behavior.
I have two girls, one 6 and one 9. My 6 year old must have cried at least 5 times today for various reasons. I chalked it up to being excited, tired, overstimulated, etc. She did not throw tantrums but she was just very overly sensitive.
Just my opinion, but if he's better with very limited amounts of sugar then I'd stick to that. Unless you can find something that does not affect his behavior in these ways. There are lots of other "treats" out there with no added sugar. I know how hard it is, especially since every holiday is associated with some type of candy! uggh!!
I don't know how much help I was, but just know I'm SURE you were not the only one that had less than behaved kids today! OH, and I've already told my husband that next year we are scaling way back on gifts. They just do not need as much as they get and we're going to do some type of service project that will show the girls how truly blessed they are.
Take Care and Best of luck,
M.

I have found that with both of my kids, a "pre-talk" is always the best way of dealing with things BEFORE they get out of hand. It is not always 100%, but in most cases, it stops the bad stuff before it happens. For example, when we are going to a store..... "We are going to the store. This is not a toy shopping trip. We are going to buy groceries and that is all. Please don't ask for toys or candy, we have those at home." Or, "we have company coming over. I need you on your best behavior or you will go to your rooms in front of company." Like I said, it usually works.
Also, with both of my kids (they just turned 3 and 5) we have had a birthday and christmas tradition of getting a big trash bag and filling it up with toys from the previous year to give to the "poor kids". We are seriously broke, Poor is a good word for it, but as I tell my kids, there is always someone out there who has less than us and we should always be mindful of that. I do give them a choice. Fill the bag with toys they don't play with or want anymore or don't get new toys. For my son's 5th birthday, I gave him the choice. He didn't want to get rid of any old toys, so instead of presents this year, he opted for asking for donations for the Austin food bank. We had a party and invited all his friends and he didn't get a single present. He had the best party ever and had so much fun with all his friends, he didn't even care about not getting presents. He was so proud the following Monday to show up at the food bank with all the food and diapers that he had collected from his party to give to people that didn't have anything.
It has also taught him to be kind, caring and patient with others and be mindful of what we have. It had also showed him the difference between "want" and "need".
As for your guilt, as a mom, we all have our moments!!! There have been many occassions when I have done and thought the same as you. Like I said before, it is not 100%. I do have two red velvet bags of coal hidden for just such an occassion.........

I think a small gift would be fine. But also dont hold his bad day against him forever. I remember my mom being super stressed out for the holidays and I bet he is picking up on that. She was very bossy for a few weeks before so by the time Christmas came around poof we were all up in knots. I would also tell him to go to his room and when he wanted to be nice then he could rejoin the fun. Keep sending him to his room. I wouldnt use a time out that was around everyone. Also there are some great cake recipies for diebetics that are sugar free. There are also sugar free candys. I would omit candies till late in the evening for special holidays. This way his whole day isnt ruined and he can go to bed eairly if he is acting badly. Best not give him much due to his behavior and you can let him know this too. Hope you find your answer. Sorry your little guy is being a poot!

J.,
I see that you have received some good advice and some absolutely terrible suggestions on spanking the boy. I am writing to suggest that this is not a permanent condition. 4 yr olds are all out of control, just to different degrees. Do downplay the excitement, go back to stickers and time outs and please don't consider spanking. Those who say, "we turned out fine", don't know how much better they might have been had they been free of the fear of a parent with a spoon or a belt or a brush. It is always wrong- doesn't work unless you are always there with belt, brush etc.

Consistently applied consequences, removal from the area and then starting every day with a clean slate gives you a better relationship. that translates into a happier better behaved child.
A 4 yr old gets to have 4 kids to a party, low key, that's it. If he plans and chooses activities, it will be better. 6 games, 15 min each, lots of running around (hokey pokey) and cake, icecream and your are done. Give him as much control as possible, state your expectations and don't forget praise for a job well done.
They go from 4 to 40 in 15 minutes so enjoy as much as you can.

I don't celebrate Christmas at all, and I have always been against the over-indulgence of children (and grown-ups, for that matter) during this season. This is not an attack at all--just my take. I think that children should be taught to love and serve others all year, as a way of life; their birthdays are their special "indulgence days", the one day a year for each when the world can revolve around them. Period.

Others have already remarked on his diet--remove sugar as much as possible, even on special occasions. Does he respond the same to natural sugars, as in fruits? Probably not. Take cookies and cakes out of his world, and give him a different "treat system". To this day, when I want dessert in a restaurant, I order a bowl of fruit, maybe a sorbet. The other stuff just doesn't even register with me. I can't stand artificial sweeteners, either. You don't have to use them; just shift your idea of sweets and help him to do the same.

Minimize his toy inventory, and let him do like we did--use our imaginations. I don't mean to sound too basic, but there's nothing like watching what your young child will do with an empty cardboard box or a wooden spoon and pan. (This also helps pique an interest in how things work around the house. It opens the door to teach your children household things when they grow up with a broom or a dish or a towel in hand.) Encourage reading. His foundation is still being laid RIGHT NOW. He's not too young to learn to be creative and even gracious.

Blessings to you and your home.

I really hear you pain. It sounds like you want more for your child than he wants. Go with you first gutt feeling and take it all away. Our world rewards bad behaviour and our world is in a mess because of it--look around. My Mom use to say this will hurt me more than you--you feel the pain and do the right thing. You are the teacher not the apeaser.

Many blessing sent your way as you decide who is in control.

Take corn products from his diet. Corn meal, CORN STRYUP, corn flour everything. Plus limit his sugar.

Any type of party can be overwhelming to a child, especially that day and the day after. He's 4 and this is normal. But, he needs to learn how to open gifts; all kids do. The only way he can learn that is being corrected and reminded by you. As for the tantrums and the yelling - no excuse. Sugar is not an excuse. If you want him to grow up blaming his attitude on other things, then tell him it is his sugar intake and he will never take responsibility for himself. I know it affects him, as lack of sleep does my kids, etc. But, I teach my kids that there is no excuse for that kind of behaviour and they have to learn how to control themselves even on those bad days. I personally would now take all Christmas presents away and make him earn them back. I would sit down and tell him how his behavior was horrible. I would have spanked him for yelling at me, personally. I would also tell him/show him how he should have behaved even though he was feeling... Then, once he knows how you expected him to behave, then he can start earning those toys back. Maybe do a REDO of Christmas morning. Rewrap those gifts and let him practice how he should have done it. Whatever you do, punish him for bad behavior - even when you know something else is influencing him. He can't grow up to be stable and responsible for himself if he is always blaming others and other things. It will affect his whole life. Even after the redo - make him earn those toys. I would also later make sure he understands that if he does the same at his birthday party that all the toys will be donated to a children's shelter the day after. (You don't have to say anything to the guests or in front of them.) I was so tired of my kid not picking up after herself and especially leaving the playdough out and letting it dry out. I finally told her calmly that if she did it again, I would give all her playdough away and she couldn't have any for 1 year even if she was given it as a gift - I would give that away too. She did it again and I kept my word. She was 3 at the time. I made her personally hand it over to a kid at church. She remembers it to this day and knows for a fact that I mean what I say. It really took just that once. If I threaten to throw or give something away, I remind her of that time, and she knows. Stay consistent and do not feel guilty either way. You can't feel guilty for giving to your child when others don't have anything. You will feel guilty if you don't address this behaviour as you will see it manifest itself more for the rest of his life and it is your responsibility to teach him the best you can. Just stay firm and calm.

Ditto to Umber's response. Diet is the way to go. Make sure there are NO artificial anything in their diets. As for sugar, everyone still wants sweets, it is part of Christmas. Whole Foods has some great mixes for making cookies and organic sprinkles without the artificial junk. The holidays just over-stimulate everyone. Tis the season! Happy Holidays! C.

www.mybiopro.com/claudia13 (learn how to protect you and your family from electromagnetic pollution (cell phones and other electronics).

we have some similar issues,but maybe not as extreme as yours. we did the sicker chart for many months,but have kinda weened it out & are now using MR. NO NO. you may not be willing to do it, but it works for us & for many people I know. it's a wooden spoon with a sad face on it, most times we only have to threaten it & he shapes up. when he gets 'spanked' with it, it's not hard, we're not really hurting him, but to him it's enough to get the point across. Some kids just need more than charts & time outs. I wouldn't apank with your hands, then they fear you, but with an object is suppossed to be better. I know so many people out there think spanking in any form is wrong, but we were all spanked as kids (with dad's belts & we all turned out just fine! hang in there... and good luck!

J.,

You might go back to the sticker system, or some other small reward, so it doesn't get boring, such as those little bags full of dinosaurs at WalMart. The system worked, and proves to you and him that he can in fact, control himself. So, what if you did the stickers to lead up to the next event? (birthday) And then go to the next event, even if you have to make up one. Because the system keeps him mindful of his behavior, then behaving himself with only the occasional (normal) meltdown might become more of the "norm" for him, and he will develop a habit of trying to be good.

I remember a few birthdays when I was a kid & acted like a brat. My mom told me that if I kept it up, everyone was going home & I wouldn't have any gifts. At Christmas I think my brother, sister & I were pretty good because we were warned that Santa would & could come take back all of our toys. I think at times we were overwhelmed by all of the excitement & the enormity of the day. I would imagine it's fairly normal for children to act up on big holidays & birthdays. I would do your best to put the day behind you, explain to him that you are disappointed with the way he behaved. For his birthday, scale it back some & see if it helps to make a lesser production of it. Our son is only 17 mos, so I have yet to encounter this issue, but I fully expect to in the years to come. You are doing a good job managing his everyday behavior, so keep on track with that & remember to tell him before big events the type of behavior you expect from him.

take yesterday as a bad day, and start today with a clean slate. if you don't get over it, you're negative vibes are just going to rub off on him. let him know that you know he can make better choices. let him know that if he acts like that at his bday party, that he'll be spending it in time out. i love "love and logic" books...i used to get really worked up when my kids misbehaved...now i know that i don't need to...it only fuels the fire! best of luck to you!

I also have a 4 yr old boy and I have had the same problems. Mine started with that last year so what I did was restrict his sugar, even on Holidays. I only allow him minimal candy on those special occations. I also found that with all of the toys he gets on Christmas he is overwhelmed so after the gift opening I take most of the toys and put them in another room. I'll leave about two out for him. When I spot he isn't interested in one, I remove it and replace it with another. This has really helped beleive it or not. I feel for ya because You always want that peaceful holiday with your family. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year.

Sounds like our Christmas. :) To make matters worse, my mom gave all the wrong gifts- one girl (I have 4) loved her gift, but everyone else loved her gift too! It's kind of like giving one teen daughter a platinum and diamond necklace and giving the other something from Dollar Tree. Our Christmas was absolutely miserable. Also, hubby's reaction to all the meltdowns definitely made things worse! He kept trying to force the children to participate in activities and sit with us yada yada and it was a really miserable day.

The way I look at it is that Christmas is a stressful day for parents...as well as for kids! Schedules are thrown off, junk food is eaten, and emotions run high. Overstimulation is key to the whole fallen house of cards.

I'm just glad it's over. You've already taken the toys away, but give him a chance to earn them back. Next year try not to do so much in the way of purchased gifts (my girls favourite gifts are things like a trip to the zoo or aquarium, spending a day with family doing fun stuff.) Don't give sugar the week of the activity and limit sugar on the special day. At my girls' birthday party we did have a pinata but we did it at the end and the goody bags inside had smooshed fruit, mixed dried fruit and the such. I served juice and water rather then more sugary drinks.

Food coloring may also affect him, but I'm willing to bet the excitement and overstimulation were a key factor (which yes, will happen at the party if you're not careful.) How we minimized that at the party was we did it in an environment that was fairly low key (Ponyland in Anglton) and didn't focus on my children. We didn't sing happy birthday or have a big present opening time (we opened them with the gift giver before they left.) There were NO tantrums or grumpy looks and everyone did well until we got home. :) This year we're having it at Chuck E Cheese BUT we'll be there at 9, serve drinks and cake and tokens only, and be out before the lunch crowds show up.

My son did that a couple of times when he was younger (now 7) so when taking toys away no longer effected him I began making him choose between favorite toys to give away to another child who didn't have toys. You would have thought this was torture. I would hold up two of his favorite toys and he had to choose one to be given away and had to go with me to give them to goodwill or some other charity. After a while it became a habit and something we did to help others instead of a punishment. Every birthday and Christmas he receives a lot of toys and so we will go through and get rid of about a bag worth of toys before he pulls out the new toys to play with. He now appreciates the toys he receives. I think giving them away when he was acting up really woke him up to if he continued he would lose more now he enjoys helping others.
Good Luck!

No sugar on Christmas or any day.
I have a seven year old who is ADD and sugar REALLY makes a difference in his behavior. So whenever he goes to a party and has some, i expect the worse and the threat of losing his toys - the most effective measure for him since it is immediate - has no effect. We skipped a party for his birthday this year in Sept because he was having such a hard time controlling his behavior with the stress of start of school.
I notice you are planing a "spectacular" party so you may have greater expectaions than he has, and that could translate into stress for him even before the party, because he may sense this is really important to you. Skip the party and keep it low key with family and foods he likes and no sugar on his birthday and things should be better. If you have to have a party, just know that it could get ugly and be prepared to live with it.
Now that you know receiving toys and gifts is not a motivator for him, just keep it one or two things and put the rest in is college fund.

Some days are like that. Try not to carry your aggravation forward. I think limiting his sugar intake is a great idea for many reasons, but it seems that the excitement and anticipation, on top of all the great toys, etc. was too much stimulation for him. I think he (and your family) would have a happier, less taxing birthday in February if you did keep it a more low-key, not highly-exaggerated day. Don't do this as punishment, but to keep him from getting so wound up. He is young and his system just doesn't handle all the additional energy well without overloading. You can still give him great birthdays and Christmases and while keeping it more manageable for him.

I have to agree with Umber, I've met kids that would go crazy if they ate a red jelly bean. I also wanted to add that white foods such as white bread, bagels, white pastas, potatoes affect your sugar levels just as bad as sweets. It makes your blood sugar rise then you crash. I am not real anal on what I give my son but I try to give him whole grains, lots of protein to keep him full, and give him snacks regularly that way he doesn't crash. Your doing good mom. I think treats are fine thats part of being a kid, so I don't think you should take away all sugar all the time. My son is only 18 months(your ears would have bled from his screaming earlier) so I don't trust him alone yet but when he gets older I like the go to your room and come out when your ready to be pleasant approach. As far as his birthday one under $20 gift is fine, don't feel guilty, he'll probably get tons of stuff from others anyways. Why don't you ask him what he wants to do for his birthday, maybe he doesn't really want a party, would rather go to the zoo, or some other kid place with mom and dad. Sorry your day was lousy yesterday

Dear J.,
I think the single most important thing you should do is keep him off of sugar! Look at sugar as a poison that will harm him GREATLY if he eats it.
Be careful not to respond in anger. Keep a sweet face on and keep a soft gentle voice. I think my children have memories of me with a mean face on and yelling at them. I surely do regret that.
J.

I'm so sorry for you and your little one!!! I honestly don't have any words of wisdom for you -- however, I felt the need to let you know that you are in my prayers!! I hope you get to the source of his anger/need to lash out before he gets any older.

J.
i feel for you.I'm not sure if you've tried the simple punishment of putting him in the corner.One minute for his age, hes 4 so four minutes would be his punishment.It may take a few times but every time he gets out of the corner you take him back until he decides to stick it out for what hes done.If you have to get a timer and set it for 4 min. do that so he'll understand that when the timmer sounds its time to get out.Don't let yourself get angry durring this situation because he'll feed on that just come down to his eye level and explain what he did was not right and unacceptable and hes going to have to stay in the corner every time he misbehaves..Do this EVERY single time he misbehaves.He'll get the point eventually. You MUST hold up your end and NOT give in.You will see results.I still emplement this w/my 8yr old son and it does work.Im not saying that it will keep them from misbehaving but it will make them think of their behavior before they act out more frequently.Make sure you implement and tell them this will happen even when their in public, and follow through w/it.
One more thing when his time is up you make him apologize for what he has done.Its only right that we parents teach our children to apologize for their wrong actions. GOOD-LUCK

Do we have the same child? Mine does the same, we are having a great day and all of a sudden it's like the wheels fall off the cart. AHHHHH!!! You wonder if maybe you had twins, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. HMMMMMMMMM....

Most likely what happened was that since a month ago he may have been receiving a great deal of attention for acting out, and got even more attention for behaving well (positive reinforcement,) that maybe he felt that he was not getting enough attention on Christmas (you and your spouse were unwrapping gifts,) that he figured he was going to get that attention back (good or bad.) At that age, kids cannot distinguish between good or bad attention, all they know is that you are engaging them. It is that engagement that allows them to feel safe and that they are significant. Remember, a child's biggest fear is that of abandonment, so any time that they are acknowledged spoken to or dealt with it is their opportunity to be heard and have their needs met. In no way am I saying anything about abandonment in relation to you, it's just that their survival skills kick in. Also, kids still think concretely at this age and are still learning that just because mommie is not involved with you at this moment, it does not mean she does not love me.

As the old saying goes children should be seen and not heard, well apparently our kids see it the another way, they need to be SEEN and HEARD... ALOT and OFTEN!!

You did the right thing and do not feel guilty. Kids can't think that far along and that insync at that age. They deal with what is in front of them at that moment and no more. It is our job as parents to let them know that the momentary reaction they just had has consequences. That is how they learn, unfortunately, it is a task we must continue to do. Eventually, they will outgrow this phase, your sanity will possibly still be intact and they will know that it's not always about them. For now, they think it is and we cannot feel bad to remind them that it is not.

As for the birthday party, I would suggest that you tell him your concerns and discuss your preparations with him every day as the event approaches. Include him in the preparations and make him aware that his behavior will have a direct impact on the outcome of his big day. Maybe take him to pick out the cake and take a picture of the cake, pick a spot and photograph it, as well (photograph everything you can for the party.) Then take all the pictures for his party put them on a posterboard (title it My birthday party) and in the same way you gave stickers for good behavior, you take down pics of his bday party down for bad behavior. Depending on the offense, take something away (proortionality.) Make sure you set up clear rules and give him a chance to win things back. He will feel invested and may enjoy his party even more if he knows he was such a good boy and played such an important role in making it happen... besides actually being the birthday boy, that is. Good Luck to you and to me, again I am in the same boat.

Again, We do not reward negative behavior, we do as you do, timeout, confiscation, etc. As they continue to receive the same discipline, they will snap to the fact that they need to change their behavior... in order to improve their situation. Again, may sound basic, but it's about survival. Until then be patient... only 14 more years to go.

Don't give yourself a pitty party!! Your son is growing, and had a chance to show off......Give him a gift for his birthday then pop in a DVD...All by himself. As they grow they become more understanding, but he does need to learn what proper behavior is...No B-day party seems like the best route!!! My cousin just went thru a hellrifick B-day with her son. She was tattered, embarassed, and upset by the end!!
Its not worth it!

We have battled our son with the same things. He is five now and with our rules set and consistant disapline we have been able to enjoy holidays so much more. Keep up the disapline. Be consistant, I went to a parent workshop that helped us and the big thing I learned is that warnings are just threats! No warnings, that is negative attention...just make sure he knows the rules and when he breaks them do not let him slide for 2-3 minutes while you are cooking. He is put in time out or toy taken away right then and there.
We did not take stickers away because it was like regressing to our son and too negative. We just made his sticker chart like in a timeout... if he goes to timeout that day then he cannot earn more rewards on his chart for the day. Try to be positive as much as possible, most of his behavior is probably due to wanting attention during all the holiday bustle. We let our son know at the end of the day that we all mess up sometimes and the next day will be better. This helped his self esteme and he miss behaved for our attention less and less.
I am a pre-school teacher and use the same reward and timeout system in my classroom and it works as long as I am consistant and don't get lazy and give out warnings.
Good luck! Hang in there and don't giv4e up, it will pay off soon!

I agree you do not need to punish him on his birthday by with holding what you were going to do. His punishments should be carried out on a day to day basis. If you know sugar is his downfall then don't give it to him. Everytime you do you are setting him up for failure.

My just turned 5 year old throws hissy fits when she gets extremely tired and then acts like she doesn't care, and yes i try to control her sugar too.and it always has to happen in front of us.I've tried everything with her too and she doesn't care--until i told her she was grounded to her room..big brother gets grounded so she knows what we mean. take him to his room when he gets like that and tell him you don't like it when he acts like that, when he can calm down and treat you right then he can come out. you may hear a lot of crying and screaming but eventually he will calm down and behave better.

That makes me sad. I think you did right by punishing him regardless if it was Christmas or not but I do not think the punishment should not continue through his birthday.

I believe he should be punished for his actions at that time but tomorrow is a new day especially for a 4 yr. old.

I completely agree on taking out the sugar if you believe this is the cause. There are some many good treats you can make without the sugar. Look for fun kid foods for diabetics. Also, you might want to check with the dr. to make sure he does not have some type of health issue with the sugar.

Cheer up. Today is a new day.

Don't be upset and continue to be consistent in your discipline, holidays or not. If he melts down with too much stimulation then keep the birthday low-key and still apply your rules. I have one like this who is now 9yo. He pushed all the buttons and tested every rule.
He is much better now, but I still have to watch out for his stress situations. Consistency works. Hang in there!

I have a three year old that is a little fireball and a five year old who is behavioral quite perfect (with autsim too).... I think it takes time and major participation on your part to be diligent about keeping up with the time outs and taking away of toys. Eventually he will get it and the behavior will change. My guy goes into time out all the time. He has been taught there are good and bad choices and choices have consequences. We talk about a choice and whether it was good or bad and why we are doing a consequence, time out. However, he still whines and outs a lot and I cannot figure out how to curb that one. He is my typical kid!! The kiddo with Autism is so much easier to handle. Give it time and be consistant. Maybe you want to seek the advice of a behaviorist or looking into ABA, Applied Behavior Analysis. You can do a search for ABA in Katy or Houston and find places that do it. Good luck. Also, Christmas with all its great stuff can be overwhleming. Our kids were ornery monkeys by afternoon.

Don't feel guilty about giving your child gifts. After all they are only little for a while. As far as his behavior is concerned, what has always worked for me is taking away the one favorite toy and the one favorite activity my kids like to do the best and ground them from doing it or acting like I am going to throw away their favorite toy it the trash can. (I only pretend, I never actually throw it away, but it works) With my son, who is also four now, I've had to put a clean trash bag in the trash can and I've actually thrown it in there so he could see that I was serious and he soon apologized. Your son is still a little boy and he can turn his behavior around. I would tell you to go ahead and celebrate his birthday party and celebrate it the way you had it planned. If you're thinking about the needy children, maybe next year you can make a donation to a charity like toys for tots, but if I were you I would not feel guilty for buying your son presents. Hope this helps. God bless you. Happy New Year!

Misery loves company. We tried really hard to avoid all of the normal pitfalls that happen at Christmas, but I fell for my parents guilting me that children "deserve to be kids on Christmas." "give her some candy, it has never hurt anyone."- WRONG! It hurt all of us. A lot! Live and learn.
This is about what our day was like yesterday. I don't know how people do it. I think that our problem was that we had so much excitment building up to Christmas day, that it was too much for my little one.
I had her go through her toys today and full a big box full of nice toys to donate in order to earn back her Christmas toys.
I think our dd is getting a suprise party to avid the work up to the birthday. I don't know. You aren't alone though. Hang in there and thanks for posting this. It is nice to know that I'm not the only one.

Another culprit may be artificial coloring, which of course is present in most sugary candies.

Also, many young children get out of sorts on holidays because schedules are disrupted and environments change and often many unfamiliar faces are around. But if you feel your child's response is too "out there" for the situation, you might look into ADHD. My sisters kids both have this and they both experienced extreme outbursts at a young age. A Lot of ADHD can be controlled by a regimented schedule and structure - thus explaining the behavior improvement when you implemented a consistent reward system. But realistically, life has its unexpected twists, and although many people respond to that with some anxiety of varying degrees, they should still be able to cope. in my opinion, most kids want to please teir parents, and aside from temporary behavior caused by being tired from the holidays, i think you should consult your pediatrician as to why their behavior is so extreme.

Hi J.,
Find a Parenting with Love & Logic class. You will change your house forever.... and your holidays. It doesnt have to be that way, even on Christmas.
T.

J., I completely understand your frustration (I have a 7 year old who behaves similar) you want to punish him but you do not want to deprive him of normal childhood experiences. I constantly talk to my 7 year old about choices and explain that there are positive and negative consequences for any choice made. I have made a personal choice to include spanking in my methods of discipling. This is not prefered by all parents and is a decision you really have to way.