For as long as we've been together (6 years), my husband and I have spent Christmas Eve with my family, then gotten up at 3 or 4 a Christmas morning to travel 6 hours to my mother in law's to spend Christmas there. Now, our daughter is almost 4. She's never had the experience of waking in her bed (always in the car) and coming down the stairs to see our own tree and have "Santa bring the presents there" and so forth. We can't enjoy Christmas Eve knowing that we have to get up in the middle of the night to travel. We're just worn out from spending half of Christmas in the car but really, we want our daughter to have her time now of making our own family Christmas memories. There aren't any other kids on my husbands side under the age of 20, so we don't see how our inviting everyone to spend Christmas at our home would be so bad. We have invited the whole family, offered wonderful accomodations and the promise of a traditional family celebration, just at our house, not hers. Every single constructive suggestion and offer we've made has been shot down by my mother in law with 1,000 different excuses. We're willing to compromise, like alternate every other year, or have Christmas here the following weekend, if not the actual 25th. Nothing is good enough. She is so upset we're "rocking the boat" and doesn't understand how we feel, that Christmas should be about the children now and asking her to come to us. She is retired, not even 60 yet, in good health and very active and financially able to. We just don't get it. Its really "her way or the no way." I'm happy that i haven't fought with her over it, nor said anything unkind, just offered suggestions and solutions, but she has some crazy excuse "but we always have it here!" "Christmas here is all this family has ever known!" "Don't I make a nice enough Christmas?" and can't concede and come here for the sake of her granddaughter and son. We are going to do what we want to do for the sake of our daughter getting to make memories in our own home and not rushing in the car for 6 hours then back home the next day. We just feel hurt and wish it didn't have to be this way, with friction, and now we'll be all alone on Christmas day. We get along very well with the mother in law, but I've found out the hard way this year, that it's that way as long as its on her terms apparently. What should we do?
I'm overwhelmed by all of your wonderful responses so far! Thank you so much for each and every one of them. A few things based on a lot of your questions in your responses:
-she insists we're there early by like, 9ish because that's when she likes to do the presents, that's why we have to leave so early, but when my daughter was younger, it worked out well that way anyway because she was more apt to sleep in the car if it was still dark out.
-by the grace of God, yes, thankfully, my husband and I are on the complete same page on this issue, in total agreement and support of eachother. I realize this is rare and I am blessed. He's even more adamant than I am. I tend to just give in to avoid conflict, but he's firmer on this than I am. However, I do 90% of the communicating with her via calls/texts/text photos/email to keep her in the loop day to day with our daughter and "shorten" the distance between us so she still feels like a big part of her granddaughter's life. I'm a stay at home mom and I have lots more time to do this on a daily basis than my husband, so most of this has been coming from me, although he was the one do do all the talking at Thanksgiving. I kept my mouth shut, except to say "We'll roll out the red carpet and pull out all the stops!" haha
-we do stay overnight at her house, but still 12 hours in 2 days is still a lot when you're exhausted from the holidays.
-the only other people she hosts are the two grown grandchildren over 20, my single brother in law who is 34, and of course, her husband (my hubby's step dad) is there. Everyone else seemed receptive to the idea when we brought it up over thanksgiving dinner (THERE), but quieted down when she voiced her disapproval.
-we've never fought before or had any type of conflict and I'm resolved to keep it that way! Like, I said, she's otherwise a very nice lady and this is the first time we've not done what she wants so this is the first time we've rocked the boat, and yes, life is too short to be disrespectful to family members, so although we'll stick our ground, we want to do it in a constructive way, not a "screw you (pardon the expression!)" way.
-we never insisted on having it at our house on actual Christmas day, as not to totally take what she does from her, we offered the 26th, the following weekend, the previous weekend, new years...We've tried to make it clear that seeing everyone is still very important to us, but that we're putting our daughter first and unfortunately this doesn't allow for making the trip this year.
That's a lot of travel. I mean if they lived closer it would be a different matter. She's lucky you guys did that at all. I would do that Christmas morning.
Do what you have to do, the offer was put forth and now it is up to her.
Could you go to her place on Christmas Eve and stay over two nights, but then only do that every second year?
Start doing every other christmas there. Alternate which grandparents get the whole christmas. She'll just have to get used to it.
Just tell them... "You had a chance to develop your own Christmas traditions. Now that we have a daughter, we want to develop our own Christmas traditions, and that includes letting our daughter spend Christmas morning and all day at her own home.
You are very welcome to come and join us, but we feel this is how WE want to spend Christmas."
Then do it! Create your OWN Christmas traditions with your daughter. Tell your in-laws that you will visit them for Christmas the following weekend, or whatever weekend works out for YOU.
You're doing the right thing.
Your MIL is being unreasonable and unyielding!
It's not like you haven't offered numerous options.
Stand your ground and enjoy your holiday in your own home.
Now if I can do the same! My inlaws rule? "We don't leave the house on Christmas Day." Must be nice, huh?
Unless you want to be under her thumb every year, your husband needs to just tell her that you are sorry, but this year you're going to stay home. And do it. Visit the weekend after Christmas. Let her rant and rage. Your husband should be dealing with his mother - not you.
You and your family have the right to spend Christmas day at your own home. She is not the boss of you and by allowing her to continue this, you are allowing her to be the boss. Enough of it.
This happened to my family when I was growing up. I was in 3rd grade when we drove home at midnight from my grandmother's and it was snowing. I said to my mom "We missed Christmas Day snow, Mommy." She decided from thereon that we would not travel on Christmas Day anymore, and started a new tradition of being with our own family.
Your MIL won't respect it at first, but if you and your husband stand firm, she will eventually get over it.
Dawn
You may find that you love being alone.
Sorry your MIL is being ridiculous on this.
You need to let it go and do what you want, regardless of her unwillingness to bend. Move forward and make your memories in your home. She may not want to accept it, but you've offered compromise and she refused, so this is the way it is.
I buried my mother this morning...life is too short to quibble. Let your MIL be. Maybe when she sees you mean it she'll fold, and if not, how sad for her.
Speaking from experience; it is hard to ask other people to break *their* traditions when you want to change yours up. I think that, while you thought asking the whole family to your place was being gracious, she may feel that you have stolen 'her' Christmas. If it had been me (and it has), I opted to let the family tradition continue and to do our own thing at our own home.
We are in the same boat; my folks get all of the girls and their families together for Christmas at their place. They live three hours away and because of my husband's work schedule (he only gets Christmas day off as a guaranteed day), it just makes sense for us to do our own thing and be relaxed. I hold no grudge with the rest of our family for spending time with the folks and my parents get the honor of being the matriarch/patriarch and hosting. Like I said, my guess is that your MIL is really invested in hosting this holiday with her family-- it's likely that she won't be nearly as upset if you had just said that your household couldn't come, instead of moving gathering in its entirety. But it may be too much to expect to have it both ways: at your house AND with your husband's family. That's all.
I hope thing work out.
You do what you need to do. It's all right to change traditions. I live nearby our parents, and I've ticked off my dad and my MIL more than once on various holidays because we've had to make changes for our own good and they've just refused to compromise. When we did that, they were more likely to compromise the next holiday.
You just have to decide that her reaction isn't going to bother you. It's not your obligation to keep her happy. She decides how she's going to respond. What's she going to do, disown her own son because he decided he wants his daughter to wake up in her own bed on Christmas morning rather than driving six hours during the night, exhausted, to wake up hundreds of miles from home?
Stick to your guns. Have Christmas at your house. It's up to them if they want to be there or not. We've had Christmas here for years. It's just much easier with young kids.
Don't try to please them. You're adults and should do what's right for YOUR family, not the extended family. Expecting you to drive six hours there Christmas morning is ridiculous.
You should do exactly what you want to do. I would NOT have been traveling 6 hours in a car on Christmas morning...no way in hell. She could either make the trip herself or just not see you on Christmas. If it really is about the kids, she needs to think about her granddaughter's comfort here.
I have been in your shoes. I also made that offer, and I too was told to not mess with tradition.
What time does everyone usually arrive at the inlaws? You leave at 3a to get there around 9a. How long do you stay? Just the day? If you stay overnight, I suggest staying home and having your Christmas, and then hit the road. Let your daughter stay in her pjs for the trip. :)
If you only stay for the day (9a-4p), then you have to make a choice.
One other option, if it is an option, is to head from your families gathering straight to the inlaws. Wake them up at 4a. 'We're here!! Merry Christmas!! :D'
You should do exactly what you plan to do: have Christmas at your own house. And as far as I'm concerned, you should do that every year. Christmas is about the kids, IMO, and your daughter should be able to wake up when she wants and rush down to her own tree, not be woken up in the middle of the night to go to grandma's. I don't think you should compromise on this at all. You've been very nice up until now.
If her feelings are hurt, oh well. If it causes friction, oh well. I'm almost your MIL's age, and I wouldn't dream of insisting that my future grandchild would have to get up in the middle of the night and drive for six hours on Christmas morning and miss Christmas in her own home. I'm outraged just thinking that your MIL has put you through that.
Don't capitulate to your selfish MIL. It's time to start new holiday traditions.
I'm sorry she's so unwilling to compromise, first.
And you are absolutely right...you and your husband have every right to begin your own family traditions for your daughter. I would NEVER do what you've done for years...get up in the middle of the night and travel 6 hours! Nope! What a saint you are! (And you drive BACK the next day?!? NOPE!) I would NOT do that, not for even one year. To me, that's making a hassle out of a beautiful holiday.
Please, enjoy your beautiful Christmas. Our Christmas is just us...me, hubby, and children. My parents live across the country and we don't get together for Christmas, although I would welcome them if they came...but because of winter weather, they come to see us in the summer instead. My in-laws live in the same town as we do and are more than willing to do whatever we have planned on whichever day works for us (around their work schedule, of course.)
You won't be alone on Christmas. You will have each other...your chosen family...and God and His Son will be there blessing you all the way.
I understand completely. I would just stick to what you are doing have it at your house and if she doesn't come that's her choice. You have extended the invite and if she can't see the sacrifice ya'll have had to make all these years and decide to make this change for ya'll then you don't need her there. It is sad but that is how she has decided to handle it. There comes a time when it is up to us to start creating our own traditions and this may be ya'lls time. Just tell her that you're sorry she feels this way but we are having Christmas here so our daughter can have the experience of waking up at your house on Christmas morning. Try not to let any of this affect you. Merry Christmas!
Tell everyone you are at YOUR HOME for Christmas and they can join you or not, the choice is theirs. Put your foot down and stick to it.,
Just say no. And do what your nuclear family wants to do.
Then, what does your Husband think? This is his Mom, does he realize how difficult she is????
There is NOTHING wrong, with wanting your own "traditions" for your daughter for Christmas. So don't feel bad about feeling that way.
I wouldn't want to wake up at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning either, to go drive there with a young child.
For all these years, you have spent Christmas Eve with your family. THEN... Christmas Day, with Husband's family.
But NEVER... have you spent Christmas RIGHT AT YOUR OWN HOME. For me, I would want to do that. AT my own home. WITH my own children. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Start... having your OWN Christmas traditions... in your own home, for your own home.
Then, your family and his family, can come to your home. For once.
If you extend the invitation, and they turn you down, fine.
I would not... make myself or my family/child worn out, just to go traveling SO much, and meanwhile, you are alienating yourself and your own hopes for your own... Christmas traditions at home, with your own child and Husband.
I think, it is about time, you and Husband and your child, have your own, Christmas time traditions. There is nothing wrong with that.
Or... for YEARS AND YEARS... you will be, not having... your own holiday traditions as you had hoped. And that will be, sad.
Being at home, as a child, (at least for me when I was growing up), and having Christmas traditions of our own, was real special. It is memories, that you remember, fondly. Not memories of being so worn out from traveling at all hours and no family coming to see you, for the Holidays.
You/Husband have already compromised... all these years. Doing it their way.
You do not need, your MIL's approval, for wanting your own... nuclear family traditions at Christmas.
Just do it.
I assume, your Husband is also feeling the same way.
NO matter what, MIL will grumble about it all. Because it is not her, way.
My MIL is sorta that way.
Your HUSBAND, should tell him Mom... no. That your nuclear family is doing something different this year.
And you may have to tell your family, as well.
MIL is that way. You cannot change her, so don't hope for it.
Let her be grumpy about it.
If she knows that she cannot boss you all around, she may grow up.
Don't be hurt over her rigidness.
You are NOT all "alone" on Christmas Day... you have your Husband and daughter. That is your, family. And you can all have a nice comforting time, all together.
Its good, your Husband seems to be on the same page as you.
You are not, alone.
You're just going to have to do it!
My husband and I were married in October, 24 years ago. We said, that very first year before we even had kids that we are staying home on Christmas Day. Everyone was welcome to come to our home but we were staying home. *I grew up doing just as you described and I vowed MY children would be allowed to be at home on their Christmas. It did ruffle feathers at first, on both sides, but it worked out. And with the exception of 1-2 years we stuck to it. Now the kids are 22 and 18, so it's not as big of a deal.
A couple years after we put our foot down, it was my MIL who came up with the alternating year idea. This year was Thanksgiving with my in laws and Christmas with mine. It's not that we don't spend time with the other side of the family, but just not on the 'traditional' day. And my in laws, actually usually schedule a cruise or a trip with friends who don't have kids on the 'off' years. So she's really done a complete 180. ;)
Seriously, do it NOW. And she'll be mad, for a while. But I'm a firm believer that once you have kids, Christmas is for them and it's time to start new traditions.
We learned not to ask, instead just to announce our plans. My MIL is also strange about these situations. It is ok for her daughter to change up everyone else's plans, but not my husband and me. My husband tried to speak with her, but there was no hope, so we decided to just announce what we were doing for holidays...
All she could do was pout..
after one year of doing that, traveling all over hellandgone with my newborn, getting stuck in a snowstorm and nursing on the side of the road on christmas night, i was done.
you just have to put your foot down and let MIL have her disappointment. she'll get over it.
seriously, my dear. start your own holiday traditions, for your family and about your family. your extendeds will resign themselves at some point.
just do it.
khairete
S.
There comes a time when you just have to establish your own traditions in your own home.
Your MIL didn't always have Christmas at her own home.
I'm sure sometime when she was newly married she spent time going back and forth between her parents and in-laws.
But at some point this changed and her own home became her center.
It's your turn now!
Stay home. Enjoy your Christmas morning. Arrange with the brother-in-law to Skype with the family (she'll be "too busy") and offer a New Years brunch at your place. You have to do what works for your family, even that means a few feathers are going to rumple. She may pout, but she'll get over it.
No question, I would have Christmas morning at my house...so my kid(s) can wake up and see their Santa gifts under their own tree. Period. End of story.
Your MIL is being very selfish and if she can't see that, that's on her.
Christmas is about the children. If she wanted to spend Christmas with her granddaughter bad enough she would come to you...instead of expecting you to come to her. That is just ridiculous that you guys get up that early and make that trip all for the sake of keeping the peace.
Sigh... luckily my husband's family is not this way, so we have not had to deal with this. I am sorry that your MIL is being such a pill.
We are in the same boat in some ways. We only have 3 hours to travel (if there's no traffic). We have the only children on my husband's side. No one has ever insisted that we spend Christmas at their house.
We just told everyone that when we had kids we weren't traveling every holiday, which is what we had done in all the previous years. And I refuse to spend Christmas morning anyplace but my house with my kids. Santa comes here, not 3 hours away at grandma's or auntie's. Maybe this makes me as stubborn as your MIL, but I feel like Christmas is about family and Christmas morning is all for children. If family means that it's just me and my husband and our kids then that's fine with me. ( I don't have family in the state, so no conflict there...)
Why do you have to get up in the middle of the night to travel? Can you spend Christmas morning at home and then go up to your MIL's later in the day? If you don't want to spend it with just the 3 of you, then maybe you can leave around 10 and get there at 4 and spend the night...?
Good luck~ If it were me, I'd stay home in my jammies with my kid and play all day, and probably eat a lot of cookies.
If you and hubby are on the same page, then hubby has to say, mom I love you, but I am not waking up my 4 year old child at 4 in the morning to get there for presents at 9am. We will see you at lunch time and do afternoon presents. She's a grown up and if she's going to have a tantrum then you have to treat her like a child and ignore it. Tell her she is welcome to your home any time, but it is now your daughter's turn to have HER Christmas's. And there is nothing wrong with having Christmas day to yourselves - that's not alone - that's RELAXING. Heck, if you want to, since MIL is being a baby, you can spend Christmas Eve AND Christmas day with your parents since it sounds like they live nearby.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!
What to do?
Remember this when your children grow up. Because, by then, most of us are as entrenched in our traditions as your MIL. So, when its your Grandkids... You don't make the mistake soooooooo many grandparents do.
LOL... Even my mum!
Who used to rant up one side, and rail down the other, that the adults shod travel to where the KIDS are, that that is how Xmas is 'supposed to be', etc. Right. Up. Until. Her. First. Grandchild. And then it was "But Xmas is HERE," and "But our house is so my h bigger," and 199 other reasons why the kids should be schlepping.
Um.
Mum.
Remember the YEARS of... Whaddaya mean you "never" said that??? (As all us grown kids look at her like she's nuts... Since its been gospel since we were little ... and staying home).
Its a grieving thing.
Like first day of kindergarten times 1000. Apparently.
So I was kind. But firm.
(And the sacrificial goat, since I was the one with the first Grandkid! My siblings BEGGING me to stand firm, since what I did would set the tone.)
Do what is best for your child. Let the grownups accommodate or not - their choice.
I would just say that now my kid is 4 we are going to spend Christmas morning at our house we would love if you came and joined us in the celebration. The End
I would tell them that either you are going to trade years that you attend or you are going to only arrive after your child has Christmas at home. Your MIL is robbing her of Santa, and taking your time as a household hostage. A 12 hour trip and she doesn't even host you overnight? That's far too much to travel in one day, with or without a child.
If she brings it up again, matter of factly tell her you've offered a number of compromises, but it is time your child get to have Christmas morning in her own home vs on the road. She's lucky you did it at all, having to get up at 3 and driving with a newborn.
I rocked tradition about Thanksgiving and ended up making my own holiday. My family sees me at Christmas and I don't have to drive 4 hours to see people I have to fake nice to.
What you might consider is inviting your other relatives to a "post Christmas celebration" or "pre-NYE lunch" at your home and see if anyone bites.
I bless my ILs every year for their understanding. Long ago they decided that the 25th is just too busy for everyone, so sometime between the 22nd and 31st we get together.
ETA: Yeah, that's kind of how it went with me. At first they were like "oh, we'll do Thanksgiving at your house, sure." and as soon as my uncle's new bride (who I don't like - she's really pushy) barreled in, I was out. So we host the inlaws instead and have a better time. I had 14 people round my table. Not shabby.
Insists on 9AM? No. That's unreasonable with a 6 hour drive. If you stay overnight, there's plenty of time later. We often leave for my aunt's house around 9 to get there by lunch (much shorter drive, mind you) and do our visiting. But with the kids wanting (okay, also me wanting) to get into the stockings early, it's never really been a problem. And FWIW, we split Christmas in some manner with DH's ex because it's also one kid's birthday, so I hear you on needing to compromise. Some Christmas mornings they just weren't here. Just the way it went. We managed.
Please don't think you are all alone on Christmas day! You aren't! You are a family and you will be together and it might just be the best Christmas yet for the three of you! Think positive!
My cousins were dragged out of bed every year like your daughter, and taken to my grandparents' home where they woke up, walked in and had to celebrate with all of us. They are in their 40s and STILL to this day resent how their parents made them do this. The never once had their own family Christmas in their own home. And they don't do it to their kids because they know how much they hated it.
Enjoy your Christmas this year and ignore your mother in law if she is unwilling to change. It is she who will suffer, not you. Don't give it a second thought! You're doing the right thing.
The good news is that at 4 years old, your daughter will probably not remember those first few years of being loaded into the car and driven all that way. That's just a crazy long trip to make on any day, let alone Christmas day. I admire that you're putting your daughter's happiness and comfort before your MIL's. Any Grandmother who can't understand the importance of keeping the magic of Christmas morning for a child really just doesn't get it and probably never will. Your MIL will just have to get over it and your daughter won't need therapy when she gets older. Good for you for putting your family first!
PS - you'll never be alone on Christmas day - you have your immediate family. Also, think about friends or neighbors who are alone and invite them to your house for a meal later in the day. Win win for everyone.
I spent the first four years of my son's life going to my Aunt's house for Christmas day.
On the 4th year I gently explained to her that I would come before or after Christmas day from then on.
I wanted to wake up in my own house with my son. I wanted a Christmas tradition with my son that involved our house and time together as a unit.
She took it fairly well.
You just need to stand firm on this one. It is most likely hard for our mother in law to give up her holiday traditions - she has been hosting for decade, right? So it may be hard for her to give up her perceived role as "matriarch" of things holiday.
Stay home. Have Christmas AT HOME this year. And who knows, maybe she'll come around for next year. It is a change in the dynamic and the tradition... but that doesn't make it wrong. It just means that it will be different. But so what? I would refuse to schlepp my 4 year old off in the car for 6 hours on Christmas morning in the wee hours. Period.
Maybe (if you WANT to) you could get up, "do" Christmas at home, then when you are done, load up (after lunch?) and drive out then. If you miss the present/gift exchange there, oh well. Too bad. You aren't expecting them to wait for you anyway.
It SHOULD be focused more around the younger kids. Give your daughter a Christmas at home. Please.
We don't travel for Christmas much anymore either. And when we do, we are NOT gone on Christmas Day. We invite everyone here almost every year, and most times we don't have many (if any) takers. His newly divorced brother one year. His widowed mom a couple of years. My parents and still single brother once (about 6 years ago). Until we starting just flat out saying "we aren't traveling this year" it was just expected that we would load up ourselves and our kids and drive up there (5 1/2 hours north). It gets very old. And they never had to do it. They all live within an hour of each other up there. That's great for them... but it was taking away the magic of Christmas memories at home that would become OUR traditions. And I refused to give them up so easily.
Glad your husband is with you on this. That is so important.
Time to stop negotiating. You have tried to come up with a reasonable solution and since she refuses to entertain any of your sensible ideas you have to just pick which one works best for your family. I would alternate years where one year (this year) you just stay in town and hang with your family. Then next year skip your family and go on Christmas Eve Day to the in-laws and stay through Christmas Day or what you would normally do. That way you can really enjoy the time with each side of the family. Stick to the plan no matter how much whining and threatening occurs. (That is assuming your husband is backing you up on this). Be matter of fact, refuse to rise to any bait. Have a prepared statement and just keep repeating it. Make it a positive statement like "This way we will be able to spend quality time with you instead of being rushed and tired."
Good luck!
how about a compromise: do Christmas morning at home, & plan to leave for your MIL by 10a.m. Do the 6 hour drive, & arrive in time for dinner with the ILs. Spend the night there, & then head home the next morning. I realize this means not working on the 26th, but that gives you more time with your family.
If this compromise is not doable, then it's up to your husband to issue the ultimatum: Christmas is at our home. All are welcome. Please join us.
The End. :) Said with a big smile.
You are rocking HER boat of convience. Too bad. I used to drive 12 hours sometime before Christmas and spend that time with family. Luckily, I was very pregnant with my 2nd when my first was 4 at Christmas time. I could not travel and it kind of set the president of going at Thanksgiving. Still they though nothing of dragging us across the country. I would drive 12 hours with 2 kids and make dinner the next day for 10 with whatever they had on hand for the last 3 yrs that my FIL was alive. Fun, huh.
Still I tried my best not to be snippy and to hold my tongue like you. My mil is horrible to all her kids now but I still don't regret any action or word I said.
You can only control you. You have nothing to regret, just do as you would like, she will get over it or she won't. Not your problem.
I was taught that Christmas can be anywhere until you have children and then Christmas morning is spent in your own home most of the time. My mom did it this way and we had lovely, quiet Christmas days growing up. We did have visitors some years and none other years, but we were always home. I do this with my kids now too. Don't feel guilty for wanting to start your own traditions and make your child the priority. Driving on the holidays can be risky and busy anyway. It's time for the extended family to come to you. They can join you the day before if they want to be there for Christmas morning to open presents, or they can meet you there later in the day for dinner. Good luck and you are handling this so well!
That's a shame that she can only see her side of it. I agree with you 100%, though. You have a child now and you will begin to make your own traditions. GOOD FOR YOU for keeping it civil. You're a good daughter-in-law! Now enjoy your new Christmas holiday and start making your own special holiday traditions and memories. Maybe MIL will change her mind after a holiday or two without your family :)
aw what a nice family :)
sometimes "nice" families are really just avoiding conflict...which is NOT a bad thing. but it can be a shocking experience when unavoidable conflict, finally hits home.
i 100% feel it is not too much to ask for your child to have christmas morning at home. what did mil think would happen, i wonder? as she got older i mean.
i would put my foot down on this one. your offer to do christmas at your house is SO generous. more than i would have thought of. you are being SO nice about this. you have done nothing wrong and your expectations are not wrong.
it really should be about your daughter at this point.
and six hours is suuuuch a long drive - honestly i can't believe you guys did that trip with a small child the last several years! wow!
so i see two possibilities, and really, no other options. either you guys do christmas morning at your house, OR you pack everything up, and do christmas morning at her house. some families do that too. santa can find kids, wherever they are :) but it would require you going down, the day before. with the first option, mil will have to reschedule christmas or accept that you won't be there. with the S., at least everyone is together. your daughter is only 4 so maybe for this year it would be a nice compromise.
christmas IS about christmas morning- for the kids! it's not about the adults. SHE should be thinking about your daughter - not herself.
when we started doing "our" christmas (as in, at my mom's house, rather than at grandmas. as the kids started moving out and getting families of our own) we would run into scheduling conflicts. things change. you bend. you do what works. you do NOT insist that things are exactly the same, every single year. i am surprised no one has had conflict before now. you all must be a REALLY "NICE" family! lol.
I wonder, too, if grandma realizes that by putting you all on the road at 4 a.m., exhausted and stressed, she is putting you all at greater risk of having an accident? That is not something to bring up with her but it would be in my own mind if I were you.
I agree with those posting that your child now is old enough to deserve waking up in her own bed and own home on Christmas. Be very sweet, and through a smile tell grandma that "We're so sorry you feel that way. That's why we invited everyone, not just you, for a larger family Christmas. But Christmas is about kids, and our daughter has woken up each Christmas in a car, not in her own home. We'd like her to be able to see the presents under her own tree. So we're going to stay home this year and..... (fill in the blank: Come to you on the 26th and stay two days instead, or whatever)."
Do cut her the slack of realizing that the Christmas at her house may, for her define who she is. Some part of her may feel that 'If I'm not the one hosting Christmas, I'm nobody at all." She may feel that if every single person is not there every single Dec. 25, then her family has fragmented and will fall apart. There really are folks who feel this way (younger ones as well as older ones). They are not just being difficult; they don't see it, but their brains associate the same traditions in the same location EVERY year as meaning all is well in their world. So it rocks them profoundly for someone to change. I know it's hard to understand if you are not like that -- and I am not -- but there truly are those who are not just offended but profoundly hurt, and who do not "get" the idea that Dec. 25 is just a date on a calendar and how and when the sentiments are celebrated should not be chained to the calendar.
Maybe your husband can approach this with her along those lines: "Mom, I know how much it means to you... you are fantastic hostess...it does mean a lot to us, but it would also mean a lot if you could come see little Daughter light up as she sees Santa's gifts in her own house....We really need your input to make it great..." etc. It sound like buttering her up and it is; and in the end you may have to just say, not this year. But just be aware that this may be more than just grandma being stubborn. She may define herself on some level by this holiday and by being the one who organizes it, so she may see you (though she won't realize it) as the ones who are trying to fragment her family. No, you are not, but I'm just giving you an idea of why this may be so tough for her that she's making it tough on you.
By the way, Christmas eves and days with just the nuclear family are GREAT. In Britain and other countries Christmas Day is for the immediate family, mostly and Boxing Day (26th) is when visiting begins.
Time to set a new tradition. I would go this last time and let the MIL and everybody else know that we're stating home next year. Period. That way, they have one year to process it. Invite to your home so they can appreciate the driving and the time commitment your family puts in. We tried this traveling all over to relative's homes on our daughter's first X-mas and it was so exhausting. Not to mention, my husband plays taxi for his family because no one has a car or bus fare. It sucked big time. We do
X-mas at home now. All invited.
So not about her anymore. Extend the invitation to host Christmas at your home. If she chooses not to come, so be it. Your daughter deserves to be home. I would never expect my children to come to me Christmas Day. We make the rounds to all of them. I do Christmas Eve. They all come and I make sure we are done early so they can get home. I try to make it easy for everyone. I think if you extend the invite and stick to your guns she will come around. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down for your own family. She is young and active and there is no reason why she cannot join you. Enjoy your Christmas in your home where you belong.
You are a very kind daughter in law!
You are doing the right thing. I'm sure she is a nice person, and I can imagine that the change in tradition must be hard for her, I totally get that. But at some point she needs to accept that the change is necessary and deal with it- but maybe it won't be this year!!
We did a similar thing, we used to alternate going to my parents and the in-laws, then hubby and I realized like you, we wanted our daughter to remember Christmas in our home, not just traveling. So we said no more. People are more than welcome, but we won't travel for Christmas. It was a tense first year, but now it's a non issue.
Sounds like you can take the gentle approach with MIL and say that you understand this change must be hard on her, and you hope she understands why it's necessary, and that you hope to see her- but if not, you understand and hope to see her next year.
Merry Christmas!!
if it were me i would just do my morning of christmas in my home and then go to hers. if she cant understand that and throws a fit you leave it up to your husband to go. if he feels shes being irational let him handle it and be the one to say no we arent coming today we will come tomorrow.
we moved out of state and now we will be house hoping in the snow. im not sure if we will go to my dads right away or stay home and then go. but its important to me to have my daughter home (shes 5) to do our family thing. granted everyone i will be visiting lives in town but i hate driving in the snow.
I would still invite everyone to your house like you suggested. Still invite the in-laws to your home as well. I would think she'd be excited not to have to host christmas this year. If everyone else comes, then maybe she'll cave. Wouldn't she like to be there on xmas day when your daughter wakes up and is all excited that santa came and left her presents?
Life is too short to put up with family shenanigans. I say start making Christmas memories at home with your husband and daughter and enjoy the time together.
I know what your feeling. In the 13 years my youngest son has been here we have to leave Christmas day and go to the inlaws. It used to be we HAD to be there at 12 noon. I changed it over the years since I take care of my mom also. And I have my two oldest here as well who will NOT come with us do to the fact they are ignored anyway.
I would just like to stay home and just relax on christmas day. I do not want to get dressed up, make a salad and a desert to bring. Sit all freakin day at someones home. I want to be home with my family.
So good for you for doing this for you daughter and your family. You can alway go the next weekend like you said.
Sounds like you are being very reasonable. I would just plan on skipping the ILs on Christmas this year. Perhaps you could drive out later in the afternoon, get there in the evening and spend the night, having the whole day on the 26th? Otherwise, see who from your family is around on Christmas day who might want to get together in the afternoon, after you've had Christmas at home in the morning. If your family is close, you may be able to see at least someone on both Christmas Eve and Day (we spend both days with my immediate family, plus more people on Christmas Day). Then plan on visiting them later. Once she sees you mean it, she may be more open to changing things up next year. Although I can tell you that my sister and her husband and kids live 5 hours from us (NY) and I can assure that we are never, ever going there for Christmas. My parents just won't travel that far in the winter, nor are they willing to stop hosting all of the people who gather at their house (like my aunts and uncles, some who are single or widowed and have no children) who otherwise would have no Christmas at all if it weren't for them. So I wouldn't bet on them changing their plans, but you can change yours and offer to visit them or host them on another day and celebrate then.
No. That's ridiculous. Grown adults can wait for you before opening presents. I would just tell her that it's important to your family to do Christmas in the morning at your house, as you explained here perfectly. Maybe it would help to play up the tradition of your side of the family, like you're happy to go to their house with hubby's fam, but you really cherished as a Christmas tradition growing up was getting up in the morning to see what Santa left you. So we'll get there late, sorry. Open your presents without us if you must.
The only other alternative would be to change the date of Christmas. Your daughter wouldn't know if you celebrated it on the 24th, then went to grandma's the next day. Or could you spend the night at the inlaws the night before and do Christmas morning there?
No one can force you to do something you don't want to do. My mom is the same way. Thinks Christmas should be at their house. For many years (we were married 13 years before our first was born), it was. When our kids were born, we made the decision to have Christmas at home. Every year, my parents and in-laws are invited to our house. My in-laws always come. Some years, my parents come, other years they don't, and then my mom sulks because we won't come to their house. My kids are happy and that's what matters.
I think the best Christmas (one that gets mentioned at least once every Christmas season) was the one we were snowed in and didn't go anywhere and no one could travel. We had a very peaceful day at home. No stress. Fire in the fireplace all day long. Kids were young and we socialized a bit with some close neighbors and spent the day playing with their new toys and games. Everyone was relaxed and happy at the end of the day.
Come to think of it, I'm hoping for a huge snow storm again this Christmas. :)
Yea, no way would I EVER do that. My kids have woken up in our home every year on Christmas except the one where we were in Disney World.I won't ever compromise that unless we are on a family trip.
I think your MIL has lost all of her marbles to expect you all to do that.
I agree with Hazel that some of the heat may be her feeling like it's all being taken away. So better perhaps at this point to explain why you aren't coming at 9, and that starting a new tradition that is for your daughter is your priority. reiterate that everyone is welcome to come to you but that if they want to continue their tradition at her house you totally understand. She might feel less threatened and be more open to a bigger change next year.
Updated
I agree with Hazel that some of the heat may be her feeling like it's all being taken away. So better perhaps at this point to explain why you aren't coming at 9, and that starting a new tradition that is for your daughter is your priority. reiterate that everyone is welcome to come to you but that if they want to continue their tradition at her house you totally understand. She might feel less threatened and be more open to a bigger change next year.
Both parties have valid points. Your MIL wants to host Christmas as she always has and doesn't want to giver that up. That's fair. You want to enjoy Christmas as a family unit at your house, which is also entirely fair. So, you are going to have to make the tough decision on how you are going to compromise. . . You could simply say "we're going to be staying home this year for Christmas to enjoy a relaxing day. We will see you later in the wee." Or you could say, "we're going to let our little one enjoy Christmas morning at home and let her play with her toys until noon. Don't hold up the days' activities for us. Save some leftovers and dessert for us....we should arrive about 7." Your in-laws shouldn't have to change the entire way they do Christmas, but they also need to respect your immediate family's holiday plans, too. So, have a plan for seeing your in-laws but also have a plan for getting alone for your family on Christmas day.
I hope I am not this much of a pain, like your MIL, when I am her age. You are being very reasonable and she is not!
I went through this same thing 2 different times in my life. I was a single parent with my oldest son and every Christmas Eve and Christmas day was spent traveling all over. My son and I did spent Christmas morning at home but it felt rushed as we were exhausted from the night before and then rush to my parents. One year I finally told people NO MORE! I just couldn't do it anymore. I was out on the road with the snow and ice with my young son. I told them if they wanted to see me and my son they could come to my house. Guess who came over? No one. That was fine with me.
Years later when I married and had another son we moved out of state with the military and my in-laws expected us to go back for holidays and the first year we told them it would never happen in the winter! Then it was summer vacations that had to be spent up there sitting around a table bored with my kids having nothing to do. The one year I said NO and we went to Busch Gardens instead I was known once again as an evil person. We always told them the highway went both ways and were always invited to visit us in a warm state near the ocean. Guess who came to visit? No one.
We stopped all of it. It was expensive and not worth it at all. To this day, we spend our holidays, each and every one, at home. If my 25 year old and his family can't or won't make it, we're fine with it. They're only 3 hours away but we won't throw a fit over it.
Your MIL sounds like she wants control of it all. She hasn't come to terms yet that kids grow up and have their own families. When she grew up did her parents suddenly start going to her house? I mean, do what is best for you and your family. Always make the offers and if they don't come it's all on them. 6 hours of driving is for the birds! I would never go that far every year.
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
I have been in your shoes (minus the 6 hour drive) and have parents who have not been together since before I was born and an aunt and uncle who raised me so we have four sets of parents to add to the mix. It ain't fun, it ain't easy, but if you stand your ground it can be done. Both my dad and aunt (and my inlaws) always did Christmas Eve but my inlaws also expected us to be back at their home on Christmas morning, and then again the next day for FIL's birthday. When were we supposed to enjoy Christmas with our kids? We now visit with everyone on Christmas Eve but if anyone wants to see us on the 25th...they know where to find us because we will be home. I explained it to people like this "All families have their traditions but as the family grows, adjustments have to be made". My inlaws did not like it and only saw how it affected them. It was asked "why does someone joining the family change the traditions?" and my response was "it goes both ways...my family always celebrated CE too and there is no way to be all places at once so we have to spend a little time at each" Additionally, it wasn't fair that everyone else got to dictate how my family would celebrate the holiday....at what point do I get to establish traditions of my own? While the traditions are important, spending time with our kids while they are young are more important to me....they are only young once and I won't allow other people's demands to suck the magic and fun out of this holiday for them.
What I did, and suggest you do, is decide what you want (your daughter to enjoy Christmas morning at home and maybe stay home all day) and what you are flexible on (where and how extended family gatherings are done). Then discuss with your hubby and get on the same page. Then tell the family what you are doing (staying home Christmas morning) and not traveling Christmas Day (not saying you can't go somewhere but nothing that requires more than an hour drive). Then ask if they would like to join you at your home on Christmas Day (extend the invitation and ask only that they let you know for sure so you can plan).
A couple of options that I see would be maybe visiting inlaws on Christmas Eve and your family Christmas Day (seems they live closer) after you've had your Christmas at home, continue to have your Christmas Eve w/ your family and have a different day with your inlaws, or have a gathering the weekend before or after Christmas (if you can't get them together at your home on Christmas Day).
Christmas morning is for the kids. At home in their PJs surrounded by wrapping paper. Pictures taken of them in their jammies with joyous faces and bedhead. This age is one of the most precious times for memories with them. Hunker down - have a few hours of family time at home in the middle of the hectic-ness. THEN go spend time with the rest of the family.
Merry Christmas!
