Difficult Relationship W/ My Mother, and Its Impact on My Son

My heart goes out to you...because I have a very difficult relationship with my own mother-and it affects me every single day. It affects how I parent, how I view myself as a mother and a human being, how I view my children, etc. My mother lives in NC, and hasn't met my youngest daughter (who is now 1). She only met my 4.5 year old daughter when she was 3 weeks old. She is the grandmother who sends gifts and calls...except for lately. She's mad at me (and I have no idea why, but that's how it goes), and hasn't called in over 4 months. As a mom who has 2 young kids and works FT, I just do not have time for her drama. So I haven't called her either. She has no real involvement in the lives of my girls...and she will be the first to blame me for that-although my door has always been wide open to her any time she has wanted to see them. She's upset because I wouldn't haul my family to NC over spring break to visit her-I only had 2 days off! My stepdad has never met either of my girls, either.
My older daughter has been asking...why she only sees one grandma (my MIL who I am very close to but lives an hour away). She once asked me why her other grandma never wants to see her...how do I answer that???
It is so hard and so sad. I think you do the best you can. I know that the most important thing we can do is protect our kids...and if that means limiting contact, that's what we do. I told myself that my mother is welcome to have a relationship with my girls-the door is open-but the first time that she hurts them or breaks their spirit in any way-it will be the last time that happens. And if that makes me a rotten person, so be it.
I feel for you because I know how hard it is. Your mom sounds a lot like mine.

I think one of the best ways to look at a situation like this, is to see it as an opportunity to make your son a stronger more well rounded individual. If he can see you model a healthy way to handle your mother's inconsistent behavior without taking it personally he will have a leg up in the world.He will then have a framework to use when he has to encounter the same kind of behavior....which is everywhere!!! When we protect our kids too much, they don't learn how to do it for themselves. I am learning that there is always somthing possitive that we can learn from our struggles. I am happy for you that you seem to be aware of your mother's behavior and are working on dealing with it yourself... that is the first step to breaking a cycle... you sound like you have already learned from your mother some things you do not want to teach your child. Remember to breathe deep and take it day by day, that always makes things more managable for me. Take care.

Not exactly the same, but here is my situation. My dad never calls, never emails, writes letters, drives in to see us etc, He lives less than an hour a away. I know he loves me and i know he loves my kids but we have to be the ones to initiate any contact, and frankly i don't like his wife and would rather not spend any time with her. She is a jehovah's witness and converted my dad, so now we aren't even supposed to invite them to birthday's or other holidays.
My huband gets very upset that my dad isn't "acting" like a grandfather. On one hand i agree and i do wish my father and my kids could have a better realtionship.I wish he attended celebrations with us and was more involved. But on the other hand, i can't change my dad and putting up with his wife for a few hours twice a year is all i can handle. My arguement in response to my husband is that, all people are different and kids will accept the love that people have to give even if it comes in different forms. My mom plays with my kids, my MIL buys them things. Do they love both of their grandkids YES, but they show it in different ways. My kids don't question why my father in law babysits them all the time and sits by us in church and my dad only visits twice a year, or at least they haven't yet.
A big part of my husbands anger/upsettishness, is that he doesn't want my kids to be hurt. My dad has hurt me termendously, through his actions of cheating on my mom, remarrying, and his choice of a wife, and by not including us in things with his brothers and other extended family, by refusing to attend my son's baptisms, birthdays, soccer games. Not as mean as your mom seems to be, but it still hurts.
I don't know how to protect my kids other than by totally severing the relationship and that doesn't really seem to me like it would really be affective, in fact it would probably raise more questions. So for now, i try to call periodically, I send out picts of the kids, we visit once or twice a year. that's all i can do.
I think the only advice i have other than you aren't alone in having crazy relatives. Is to allow your mom the opportunity to be with your kids but know what your "lines" are and hte moment she crosses a line with you or your kids, she's done for that visit, and when some time goes by if you and she wants to try again then you do, but with the knowledge in your own mind of what you will tolerate and what you won't. How does she show her anger? I wouldn't allow her to raise her voice to my child but if she wants to pout and not return phone calls then that's her loss.

Sorry for writting such a book, this has really been on my mind lately with my son's birthday approaching again.

Hi MF

First of all, I applaud you for taking the initiative to
find a way to establish a means to avoid a catastrophe later on for your son and his grandmother.

Have you heard about family mediation through your local Mediation Center?

In Bethlehem, there is the International Institute of Restorative Practices. They offer a Family Group Decision Making Conference. Family Members get together and make agreements how to come of with solutions to problems or conflict.

To find out more information, you can call them and see if this is something that would work for you at:

1-###-###-####

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

I have a wonderful relationship with my mom, and I feel very badly for you that yours is so hard to deal with. But you know what ? Even with all the good stuff in my relationship with my mom, there are times when she drives me nuts. She was hard on my kids, pushed and cajoled them to eat things they hated that I would never force them to eat, didn't care about doing things "our" way with "our" kids, etc. It was her way or the highway, I guess ! There are bumps in every relationship, and yours with your mom just has way too many, huh?

I think the key in dealing with the situation, is that you have accepted her the way she is. You take a deep breath and cope the best you can. And somewhere in that, you want to be able to translate your mom into someone palatable for your son to relate with.

Unfortunately, we can't change our moms, and we can't really shield our children from them without denying them a grandparent. So you have to take the good, and when the bad comes along, you have to hug your son and explain that sometimes Grandma doesn't act the way we wish she did. She gets tired and grouchy, and that's the way she is. Kids have an amazing ability to accept people. Yes, he'll be hurt some, but if you help him to accept that she simply IS that kind of person, allow her the space she needs to get mad and stomp off, and then return, and that is "normal" in your son's life, then he'll simply accept it.

It won't hurt him the way it's hurt you, because she isn't his mother. She is a peripheral person in his life. He would have the trauma, if it were YOU treating him that way. Instead, you are hanging in with him, no matter how he acts, and you are there for him. He trusts you. And when you hug him and tell him that sometimes Grandma doesn't act the way we wish she would, but that's who she is. Sometimes people act the way we wish they would and sometimes they act in ways that hurt us; but we can love them anyway -- we just have to accept that they don't always say or do the right thing -- even when they are big. Be sure he knows that it's Grandma who is acting this way, and that she's not doing it "because of him" -- that it's not in any way his fault. It's just Grandma and who she is.

And it'll be a whole lot easier on him than it ever was on you. :-) Really

MF,
' Grandma is GRANDMA" your son l-o-v-e-s- her , no matter what she does [ unless you are fill'n his head w/ crazy grandma stuff]
children simply put ' GRAND PARENTS" on a pedistal all by themselves ...
your child [ & future children] will not 'see' grammy the same way you do . EVER .... grammys / grandpas are just COOL to a child !!!!
now ; sounds like grammy has unresolved issues .
a drinker ??????? [ keep your child safe if grammy is drunk] be smart. that is all .
bi-polar [ just odd , yet harmless]
you can not change grammy , hence, your child can be ' changed' forever by his grammys love ....
be kind to your child .;you only see her @ Holiday/ birthdays anyway.
a grammy

You seem to have a good grasp on the situation. I am a firm believer in not nurturing or enabling toxic relationships. I was very detached from my mother for many reasons as a single person, but with the kids, we spend some time in moderation for the good traits she has. Luckily, she wouldn't turn on the kids for any reason as your mom may.

I say take it one day/visit at a time, take the high road, remain fair on your end. When things get sketchy, leave or block her form visiting. When she's behaving, enjoy it. You don't need to explain any of the difficulties you have with her personality to him until he's much older if ever. He won't get it or be negatively effected while he's young.

Even if she causes trouble, you can show the right way to civilly avoid a bad situation by bowing out gracefully, a valuable lesson for him. Especially of she is super controlling and selfish and angry. You can teach him how not to feed that type of neurosis in people by just walking away and not entertaining it. As he gets older, you can explain she has some difficulties, and you don't take it personally.

You can't win or be understood with her, as you already know. Don't be afraid to cut her off if things get bad. Troublesome people are a fact of life, relations or not. It's really hard when it's your mom. Good luck! Congratulations putting your own emotions aside and trying to let him have a granny!

MF, This is as I am sure you know in the end a no win situation. No matter what you do, think, feel, want, hope for, dream of or pray for as far as a relationship between your Mother & son it is not going to be easy. You know once he figures out that he has his own way, thoughts and feelings he will be subjected to the same crud you have been suffering with for years. She isn't gonna change! I've been there, I've suffered, I QUIT! I haven't spoken to my mother in years because I refuse to let her "rule my world". Funny, she raised me to be a strong, independant woman. Too bad she can't realize how great of a gift that really was. Too bad that she has no relationship with her only grand-daughters because of her choices. Too bad that she is loosing any chance of having a relationship with her only grand-son (my brothers only) because of her choices. She is the one missing out on 4 incrediable kids! Not to mention that I think the 4 of us adults are pretty cool too! I am blessed with a brother and sister-in-law that I truly like and enjoy although we live far apart. As for my mother I no longer worry...as the old saying goes, she made her mess, now it's up to her to clean it up. So my advise to you is to take it one day at a time...if she chooses to stay away then so be it...if she lashes out at your son then defend him, and remove him. In the long run it is better to have no relationship than a one filled with poision. Best wishes.

Does she have Bi Polar disorder. I am sorry, I have it and it sounds a lot like how mean and then really nice I can be unmedicated. I don't mean to diagnose her. It just sounds like she MAY have a mood disorder.

Has she done this behavior with your child? If so you and hubby need to talk to her about it. If she is not doing this with your son I wouldn't worry about it. I understand your need to protect your child but if she is fine with him then she may just not like you. In that case I would have your hubby talk to her since it is his mom. In any case you may want to have someone you can talk to that can help you express your feelings and guide you to appropriately have a relationship that is healthy for all of you.

Oddly enough, I kind of have a similar situation with my son's father, who doesn't live with us. Without going into detail, although he can be quite docile, he and I have a somewhat adversarial relationship, and I also feel a need to protect my son from all the ways I see his father having the potential to hurt him.

So although our situations have their obvious differences, I can certainly identify with you on wanting my son to have a good relationship with his father, but also being cautious about how things could go wrong.

My feeling is that I would attempt to involve your mom with your son, but in your presence. I would need to observe how she treats him, if she appears to harbor any resentment toward him, or if she is displacing anger at you toward him. At some point, albeit not for years yet, your son will not be so fragile, and will get a sense on his own of who his grandmother is. And there will come a time when he will decide whether he wants a relationship with her, and that will be dependant on how she has treated him.

We tend to think of our kids in the long term as they are now - still babies. One day all too soon, our kids will be making all kinds of decisions about their lives on their own, and hopefully they have internalized enough of our love and guidance to make good decisions.

I know this wasn't terribly helpful... I just think you should kind of do what you have been doing. Don't force the issue, just let it take it's natural course and see where it goes. You may need to make adjustments along the way, and you will most probably know when you do.

Best wishes to you.

Wow. A very diffucult situation. I have a similar, almost identical relationship with my mother. What I have found to work is this: Be there when they interact! People like my mother act "crazy" when they feel safe. My mother feels safe with me, safe enough to let her true colors come out, but wouldn't dare behave the way she does infront of her pastor or infront of my husband or in public. I wonder if you've noticed this about your mom. If you are worried about how she will one day treat him/ interact with him, try to create situations that lend themselves to being in public (the park, the shopping mall, the grocery store, a party at home). Since you have a lot of control over the times you go and see her maybe you can orchestrate these visits so that your son gets the best of his grandmother. She certainly knows how to be plesant so you can create situations where she will shine and your son will benefit from that. Stay away from her babysitting him, or taking him out to eat alone. My mother acts crazy with me, but is too embarrased to do it infront of my husband so even when she is visiting I am sure to have my husband around (at all times) so that when we talk he is an armlength away to support me and sheild me from what sometimes feels like venom. Be there when your son is with her and if you can have someone else there too. I really hope this helps. -S.

You have had alot of really good advice, but I felt the need to add. It sounds a little like border line personality disorder. It is simaler to Bipolar but has several other triggers. There is an excelent book called "walking on Egg Shells" I don't recall the auther. This book helped my MIL who's mother acted the same way her whole life. Even if you Mom doesn't have a mood disorder there are coping techniques for family members who are affected.