I'm Pulling My Hair Out...

I hate to say this, but you have to put your kids first and if trying to make your MIL be a grandma is hurting the kids you have to stop. Start to distance yourself from it. Don't put so much emphasis on the situation. Focus on the good things in their lives yourself and with the other grandparents and family members. You have to do what is right for the kids and since your MIL clearly does not want to be a grandma, don't force her because it is hurting the kids feelings to be continually rejected.

My MIL used to be the same way but I didnt sweat it because it wasnt like she was the only grandparent my kids had. Dont hold your breath expecting your hubby to be as put out as you are because it's his mother and he doesnt see anything new about her behavior. You are expecting her to be like your mother and all grandparents arent like that. I'm sure you're kids will be fine for Christmas whether she does anything for them or not. My kids never thought anything about my MIL behavior and still love her just the same as my mom.

If you are worried about the hurt that your children feel instead of what they can learn from it, your children will feel hurt instead of learning from it.

Relationships are two-way. This is a lesson that your children can learn from this situation.

Come up with some rules for yourself in dealing with your children:
*Be honest. I'm with a previous poster who recommended no sugar coating.
*Be objective. No speculation about "why Grandma does such and such" allowed.
*Ask questions. Put the situation on your children to solve, including how they feel, what could they do differently, etc.

In the meantime, work with your hubby and mother-in-law the way you see fit. What worked for me is getting on the same page as my husband about how to handle things. The tables were turned a bit... the problem was with MY parents, so he was willing to do whatever I was comfortable doing. But essentially we had to agree before the situation could really change. You may agree to cut off the relationship, you may think that a direct conversation is more appropriate. Whatever you decide, you'll feel better when on the same page as your spouse.

As far as your relationship with your MIL, remember that you are not obligated to have one. Decide what you want from her and are willing to give to her. You don't have to feel pain. Your children are looking to you for guidance about how to be an adult. Show them someone who is honest, generous and respectful... with herself and others.

I wish you the best!
B.

Sounds like you are going above and beyond trying to get your MIL to have a relationship with her grandkids. After the holidays back off on the phone calls. Call and tell her that this one has a game this weekend or invite her to an activity that the kids are doing, but only here and there when you think about it or feel like it. Make the calls when the kids are in the room or have one of the kids leave her a message. Then when the kids ask if grandma called back or why grandma is never around, be honest with them. Don't candy coat it. Not sure what happens when your husband calls her, but I would have to guess since it's a mother/ son she is probably all over his calls. If your husband doesn't care if she is around & blows it off with "you know how mother is" then let just let it go. Be happy your kids have a great relationship with your mom. When your mother in law asks why you haven't called, be honest with her as well. You're making yourself crazy and you have enough with 4 kids than to be worrying about someone who doesn't care enough to return calls.

Our family CAN be who we chose it to be. Sometimes the multi-generational relationships don't have to come from your direct family. My suggestion is to give up on grandma. And choose to develop that kind of relationship with someone else.

Not that it will be easy, but through your community, neighbors etc, have your children treat someone in your area who is of their grandmother's generation. Take the time THIS holiday season not to worry about their grandmother and just take time to get to know someone else.

Rather than having them spend time chasing this blood relative that isn't interested in being prompt or caring in her involvement - have them spend time making cookies for a local retirement community. Deliver them and spend some time giving to others.

It's very hard, but if she isn't going to respond, just let it go.

And I'm not saying that you should close the door. Invite her to something but don't worry if she doesn't respond.

It's hard to forgive - and it isn't just a one time trial effort. I'm saying you are going to have to learn to forgive and forgive and forgive and then move on. But be ready to welcome her on your terms when she is ready to make the effort.

Good luck. Have a cup of tea. Stop trying to organize the activities with her and organize something else.

This is a difficult situation at best. My flesh would want to tell her where to go and buy the bus ticket, but the Godly side says be still and know that I am God. Your children will get tired of her mistreatment of them. They are old enough to see the difference in how your mother treats them and how their dads mother treats them. They will stop calling and stop wanting to be around the woman (not grandmother) that doesn't really want to be bothered with them. I would no longer try to force a relationship whit someone that obviously doesn't want one with her grandchildren. Your husband seems to get the picture. That just how she is so shake the dust off your feet and move on. They have a loving grandmother and that is great. One day the MIL will realize that she has lost out and hopefully it won't be too late to build a relationship with her grandchildren. When they get older they might even tell her why they just gave up on her. I hope this helps. You can't force someone to be a loving person to their only grandchildren. Something must have happened that you are unaware of that has caused her to respond this way to her only grandchildren so just move on. Don't stress yourself out. Let your children see for themselves. It will hurt and that is where you and your mother step in to fill the void. You won't have to say anything negative at all they will figure it out on their own.

Q.-
Unfortunatly, we can't change other people and we can't make them act the way we want (even if it is right). The only thing we can control is ourself and our actions and our reactions.

For your own sanity, I think you should just accept this is who your mother-in-law is - good, bad or indifferent. Still encourage your children to love her and call her, etc., but also help them to not get their hopes up. Your children are fotunate to have your mother as kind, loving influence in their lives.

Good luck!

-J.

How frustrating! You've gotten some great advice, so I won't go over what's been said, but here's another idea.

Get another Grandma. Find a friend through work, church, the neighborhood, that does want to do some extra things with your kids. Adopt her/him!

Our grandparents are far away, so we have an "Auntie" who doesn't have grandkids yet. We invite her to things.

It sounds like this is what she's doing to you-maybe she deserves a taste of her own medicine. When the kids start talking about another "grandma".

I know this sounds harsh, but there are lonely grandmas out there and there are kids who want the attention...

Good luck!

This is such an unfortunate situation, and I'm so sorry your children have to deal with this. I have learned through experiences with my own family and my husband's that you cannot make someone want to be involved in your children's lives. I know it hurts you to see your children not have a strong relationship with their grandmother, but it is best to let it go. If she calls, great, but don't force a relationship that isn't there. If your kids start to ask why grandma isn't calling or coming to see them, just kindly reply, "I don't know. If you want to talk to her, let's give her a call." Whatever you do, do not speak poorly of her around your children. It is still their grandma, and they still love her, and if they hear bad things about her, they will begin to feel bad for loving her, almost like something is wrong with them.

You just have to accept that she is an uninvolved grandma, and while it hurts, let your children enjoy the time they do get to spend with her, but try not to dwell on the missed opportunities. I'm guessing that if she is choosing to not build this relationship, your children aren't missing out on much.

I know how you feel, except my son is only 2. He was her first and only grandchild, so you'd think she'd be excited, right? Wrong. While I was pregnant, she barely acknowledged there was a baby coming, however, she came to the hospital after I was admitted to give birth, BUT then wanted to take off right after he was born, before she even got to see him - she had hung around in the hospital almost 12 hours and couldn't bring herself to wait another 10 minutes!? He was in the NICU for a few days, and she came up once, but then didn't come visit at the house for two more months. She gives him little gifts now and then, but doesn't acknowledge him at his birthday or Christmas. She'll talk about giving or making him something, but it never materializes. She makes plans to see us, or we invite her over, but she almost always cancels - this includes special days such as birthdays and holidays. The only time she keeps plans is when my husband gets angry with her. But if we are around other people, she tries to play the doting grandmother. We used to get really upset about it, but we accept that's how she is and unfortunately we're going to have to tell him that too, so that he learns not to expect anything of her, and thereby won't be hurt.
She now has another grandchild, my husband's sister just had a baby last month. My husband said if his mother treats her own daughter's baby like she does ours he's going to come unglued!
It's sad and unfortunate to have to be this apathetic about my MIL, but if we're not, it's too difficult to deal with.
Long story short, you will have to basically just write her off in a way - include her in your life, as she is your husband's mom, but don't expect anything from her. You're only setting yourself and your kids up for disappointment and hurt feelings if you expect her to be any differently than she is.

I know this is tough for you but you need to stop trying to hard. You have to let the toxic people out of your and the childrens lives. Obviously they don't wan to be a part of your childrens lives and you need to be grateful they have your family. You need to let go and stop trying to change things when its only hurting you and your babies. Let the toxic people go!!

Be thankful of who you have in your childrens lives!

Hi Q.,

I know that you are upset with the MIL, but did you ever extend an invitation to a birthday party for your kids with just relatives? I never heard you say that you have invited her to anything. Give her a schedule to a basketball game or an award ceremony to girls scouts. Plus 4 kids can be costly for birthday presents and Christmas for someone on a fixed income. Maybe she can't afford it. Be happy she did give out presents. Did your kids ever thank her for the gifts? Stop nagging and extend your invites. IF she does not come then it's her loss. Do you ever visit her either?

Stop calling her. Leave her alone and let your husband deal with her. Tell the kids that when Grandma wants to talk to us, she'll give us a call. And then drop it.

You cannot control other people or force them to be what you want. You can only control yourself and your actions/reactions. Lower your expectations. Your MIL is NOT your mother. Your MIL is the way she is and there is not a thing you can do to change her. You must accept this. I wouldn't waste any more time on her.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Unfortunately, you can't change another person. You can only change yourself. Putting this problem in perspective is vital to you and your children's well being. Forgiveness is really all about you and your emotional health. I really sympathize with you over this.I think the best thing to do is stop wanting what she doesn't seem to want to give. Have the kids make pictures or cards and send them in the mail or drop them off. Do the minimal that you can and then adopt a "Grandma" from the neighborhood, church, nursing home, etc. and let your kids lavish their love on them as well as your own mom.

First of all, on the other side of the fence, my son and his wife refuse to let us meet our granddaughter who will be 4 in February. He will not tell us why, just walked out of our lives. My husband has been in hospital twice in critical condition but our son w/not even call or come for that. We have wonderful relationship w/daughter and her family and have our other daughter's son (she is deceased). We w/do anything to rectify whatever is bothering him but he doesn't want to see us. We were a very close family and always supportive of our kids. Regarding your situation, I think that you can change your mil no matter than we can change our son and dil. Our daughter's children are now 7 and 10 and when they see pictures w/son in them they ask why they don't see them (he won't talk to his sister either). We just tell them he has chosen not to be with us, we don't know why, but hope that someday he and his family will come visit. There is nothing more one can do. Granted, your mil sounds like a dilly and I certainly cannot understand her feelings. I created a business (Grammy's Love Certificates) based on giving my grandchildren my time, love and money in the form of gifts. We have created beautiful memories together that help the pain of not seeing our son or knowing his child. I feel sorry for your mil because she is missing out on the most precious love in the world.

Q.,

You've got four great kids and a great husband. You can't have everything. If they have one grandma who dotes on them, be happy.

It sounds like mil really is just the way she is and it's not personal. Don't over personalize something that really isn't personal. This woman just isn't engaged the way you want her to be engaged. If you act likes it's personal, the kids will think and feel it's personal and then you think your kids are getting slighted and then you get yourself all worked up. My son has never even met his paternal grandmother. I've invited her to come visit even said we'd pay for it. His dad has taken him to see his side of the family. I truly don't care if she sees him - it's her lose, he is a great kid. But I don't take it personal or sweat it. I'm a good mom and do right by my kids just like you are a great mom and do right by your kids. Don't sweat the small stuff. Let her go her way and keep living your life and don't think you have to make excuses for her. If she wants to see the kids or give them something - she will - in her time when she's ready.

That's so sad! I can't imagine my kids life without their grandparents from both sides. I think this is a battle that you need your husband to step up and take. Seriously, the excuse "you know how she is" is pathetic.

I'm in a situation like that. My son( he's 9) is the youngest grandchild and was born on my MIL's b-day. She has never been to a birthday party or seen him at Christmas. She even went for 23 months without seeing him( her choice). She dropped his Christmas gift off while he was at school, even though I asked to come later in the day. They live about 1 hour away and are in good health, so that isn't the issue. A few weeks ago my son received a card and money in the mail for his Christmas gift.

My son is quite close to my parents, but they've had major health issues this fall and things aren't the way they were. My MIL hasn't offered to help with him throughout the health problems.

I guess you will just have to accept it. It makes me crazy because I see how much it hurts my son and my husband, but she probably won't change. I probably haven't been much help, but I hope at least you know there are others in a similiar situation.

Good luck.

J. R.

It drives me crazy because it hurts my son's feelings. He doesn't understand why he rarely sees Grandma. I guess you'll just have to accept it. If your MIL is anything like mine, she won't change.

Hi Q. It sounds like your mother-in-law isn't all there(if you know what I mean) I don't see her changing either. It's a good thing that your mother shows your children see cares about them. You didn't say how well you get along with your MIL. Maybe that has something to do with her behavior. But if that's the case, they're her son children.And if she can keep other people children she should show some love for yours because they're her blood kin. Just try to explain to your children the best you can about their grandmother's behavior.

I actually have a mother who is like your MIL. She never had anything to do with my children yet lived close enough and could have visited and spent time with them. Don't have any advice just empathy. I hurt forever. Even now my children are grown and my brother has a son who is about nine and she could go see him in his Christmas concert and her dogs have some problem. She loves her dogs. So she is going to spend that night with her dogs. There are six of us living children and she really never babysat or helped any of us with our children. so...sorry, but there are people like that and I am sad to say my mother was one of them. To this day don't know why.

Let it go & let your husband deal with it, it's his mother after all. Don't take it personally. Just explain to your kids that it has nothing to do with them. The reason she is nice to other peoples kids is because she wants other people to think she is this wonderful person. It's all a show & not sincere. Who needs that BS. Your kids have your mom to pick up the slack, just focus on that. I would also not go out of my way to call her or take your kids over to her house. Put the ball in her court, let her initiate contact. If she doesn't, then just remember it is her loss.

sorry, but M-I-L and S-I-L they are pain on the butt.
Just ignore them, dont loose ur time w them.

let your anger go - you can't force her to be a part of your lives. include her when appropriate - and make sure that you know you are doing your part - you just have to be able to give without expecting something in return.

she isn't going to be the type of grandmother you want her to be - the sooner you all accepted that, the better for your relationship.

good luck - and don't let it affect your family - and kids, they sound pretty great.

I sympathize with you. We have a similar problem with my MIL and FIL. They don't know how to be grandparents, and really show very little interest in their grandkids, even though they supposedly moved here from MI to be closer to them. In all honesty, they just want to be closer to their own children. (The youngest is my hubby, who is 44!) They will try to protect my husband from our children (6 and 7.) Fortunately, my parents have been wonderful models, but they live in MI, and my mom passed away before my son turned 2, but my daughter remembers her a bit. Just be grateful that your kids have a close relationship with your mom, and that's what they'll remember. Kids learn fairly quickly who really loves them for themselves, and who doesn't, and make their own judgments. Just let her actions and words speak for themselves, and tell your kids that's just the way she is; it has nothing to do with them.

You are putting alot of energy and stress into a situation that you will never fix. It's hard to not get a resolution when you want strong relationship examples for your children but it may be better for you to let this one go and use that energy to create the best family with ones who WANT to be there for them. Otherwise you MIL is not suffering, it will only be you.

You can't change anyone, but yourself. Be thankful that your children have one awesome grandparent. Don't keep trying to push your children and the other grandma together. Some people never get what they are missing. They treat their own family like trash, but want everyone else to think they are wonderful.

Take care
J.

lower your expectations.
if she asks what they want and she tells them to pick something out i would politely tell her, if she doesn't want the answer not to ask.
i would expect her to be any different w/your kids than the way she was with her own.
you simply set yourself up for disappointment.
i would be thankful she knows one set of g parents.
i know i didn't know either and i would of been thankful to know any of them
: )

This is such a sad and disappointing problem. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the other posters that you cannot make someone want to be involved with your kids. They are either a loving, caring person, or they are not. I grew up only knowing my father's parents. I had no relationship with my mom's mother (my grandfather had passed when I was very young). My grandmother had hurt my mother badly when I was very small, and she felt it was better to not have her in our lives, than to risk her hurting us too. I have to say, it left a lot of questions for me, because my mom did not explain things to me until I was a teen. I always wondered why my cousins got to see her, but I never did. But, I did have one set of very involved and loving grandparents, and that was all I really needed. I understand why my mom did what she did. And to be honest, in her situation, I probably would have done the same thing. Before you cut her out completely, I would have your husband step up and talk to her- in person. Let him explain how you and the kids are feeling, and let her know what your wishes are. If she cannot understand, or is unwilling to change, you will have some choices to make. Your kids are big enough that you might be able to explain to them what is going on. You will have to decide.
Again, I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope you are able to find some kind of resolution that you feel better about.

T.

I have a fil who never acknowledges his grandchildren and he lives about 3 miles away. You can't make them be grandparents. Focus instead on your mom who likes being a grandmother. Count yourself lucky that your kids are her only grandkids. Every time I call my mom she tells me how wonderful my sister's kids are. If I wanted to hear what they're doing I would have called my sister.

I am in the same boat as you are. Your story sounds identical to mine, except my MIL treats her other son’s daughter so much better. My husbands in not the favorite son, therefore my kids get treated very poorly. I hate to say this, but there is nothing you can do to change this. I have tried for the last five years and she is still a miserable, mean old women. My husband always would just shrug his shoulders and say “Well, that is my mom and she isn’t going to change.” I stopped expecting anything from her. I still invite her to parties and we visit, but I always expect her to say and do things that are cruel and rude. My daughter now even says that she doesn’t like her, but my kids love their Grandpa and they love seeing him. One of the most important things you need to always remember is never blame your husband for the bad treatment. I started doing that and fighting with him over it, it almost ruined our marriage. I will never do that again, I realize that there is nothing he can do to change it either and he wishes that his kids loved his mom as much as I do. It hurts and I know exactly how you feel. But I realized that you can’t force someone to change. I explain to my kids that their Grandma loves them in her own way. I told them not to let her behavior get to them and that she still loves them even if she doesn’t show it. It is what it is and I have learned to deal with it. I wish you luck and try not to let her ruin your holiday. I just had a horrible conversation with my MIL about Christmas and I hung up the phone, walked over to my kids and read them my favorite Christmas story. It made me forget my feelings of anger toward my MIL. It is hard but you will learn to get through this.

Tons of great advice from people, although I didn't have time to read them all. I'll chime in with my two cents, as I have in-laws that are barely involved in my daughters life. They send a b-day gift and a Christmas gift every year, and drive up (2 hrs.) to see her once a year. That's the extent of it...no phone calls, no extra effort. And guess what? I make no extra effort either because of their actions. It's too frustrating and disappointing. My mom is also totally involved in my daughter's life. And I know that as she gets older, my in-laws are the ones that will miss out when their grandchild could honestly care less about them. Sad lesson in life for a kid, but one that I'm certain will not be the first. I wouldn't even make an effort if I were you, just let her come to you guys if she wants. That way you or your children will have no expections, therefore less heartache. Good luck to you!

Ok, it sucks that your MIL is like this. It sucks mostly for your kids- but you know what- you cannot let this make you crazy. Just don't. If anything, your MIL is the one who is missing out on knowing her lovely grandchildren.

Sure, it is sad that your little ones don't understand why grandma doesn't call them back. But your sons are old enough to understand that even though grandma loves them, some people just have trouble expressing that.

It sounds like your children are being raised in a home with a lot of love. YOUR mother sounds like a very involved grandmother. I hate to say it, but unless YOU make a big deal about your MIL's lack of attention, my bet is that your kids will just not really notice or care that much, because they have an active grandma in their lives.

Like I said, it is too bad. But your MIL is the one really missing out. It sounds like when she is around, she is not really a positive member of the family anyway. Just let it go- if she wants to be involved she will let you know.

Otherwise, just focus on your wonderful family and enjoy them. There is no shortage of love and attention for your kids and you cannot change someone else's bad behavior, so don't stress out trying. It isn't 'right' but you don't need to be burdened with it. Good luck and happy holidays!

You are beating your head against a wall here. I would try to lower my expectations, painful as that might be, and figure out what kind of relationship you can work out given your mil's limitations. Yes I agree that you are in the right here and it would be great if they could be better grandparents. But they're not. This may change over time but for now set up some clear boundaries for yourself and your family. Explain to the kids that there are all different kinds of grandparents, just like there are all different kinds of people in the world. Not everyone fulfills your expectations of how they should act.

I think there is a lot of cultural myth about grandparents that make this situation especially hard. (i.e. grandma home baking cookies and fantasizing about the upcoming sleepover with the grandkids...) The truth is becoming a grandparent doesn't necessarily instill a set of values in a person that are not there to begin with.

Concentrate on helping the kids develop relationships with the good people within your extended family. Having a special aunt/uncle/cousin will soften the blow of not being really close to the grandparents.