Seeking Advice on My 2 Yr Old and MIL

Kids have a hard time showing affection to more than one person and since you are his TOP CHOICE, affection to anyone else would seem like a betrayal to you. Try leaving him alone with grammy next time. They should get along fine. He is in a great routine of you and him and he like it that way but without you around he will gain the valuable knowledge that others can love and help him too...

This is so typical, he's right on target. He wants to feel some sense of control and at his age "no" is all he can express to establish this. If he didn't say "No" to his Grammy it would show he doesn't feel comfortable with her. Look at it as a positive sign that he can be explore his feelings with her. Plus, she is not Mommy and Mommy knows best! Even if she is the best Grammy in the world. Let him make choices. Ask Grammy to give him a few choices to choose from so he feels in control.
Hope this helps-
Mother of 2 boys and have done many parenting classes!

He's 2. NO is the most powerful word he knows. He'll be a new person when she comes next time. Try not to give him choices where he can say no, but redirect the statement, encourage, change the subject, find his interest, and make sure he gets lots of sleep for the next visit!

Hi E.,
My MIL lives in Texas.These are some of the things my husband and I would do with our kids.Relationships take time and comunication between the kids and the grandparents (with the parents helping) when they can not see each other as much. Call your mother in law for a short 5-6 min talk with your son make him a big part of it.(just a simple this is grandma,how are you? what did you do today?I love you)Make it a regular habit.So that their relationship can slowly develope more.Also note he will not always want to make a call or talk but that's okay. You can also send pictures a card ect..here and there(he can also draw her a picture make a quick craft to send ) make a point to tell him we are going to send this to grammy.Have her send a quick note to him and you read it to him.(My mother in law would send the kids a quick note writen in color using crayons or marker my kids loved it.Sometimes she would add stickers.) When your mil is about to come out for visit.She can write about what she wants to do together(going to the park to push him on the swing ect.)Even though he is two they get more than what we think just keep thinks simple and consistant.Make sure you give your mil hugs and kisses too .Kids watch how the adults act.Your mother in law has had kids too and I am sure she understands.It seem like you have a pretty good relationship with each other too.Things work out in time. God bless!!

Dear E.,

He is not too young to be told that he can't talk that way to his grandmother. Also, you need to think of ways that the two of them can bond again after being apart for a long time. Kids ignore loved ones when they return from a long absence. They just do. So we have to deal with it. Find a book that your mil can read that will help her remember what it was like to have a two year old. There are tons of great books out there, I can't tell you one specific book or author, but someone else probably will.

C. N. Be assertive,o.k.?

Hi E.,
That is a tough situation, I can imagine how bad you feel for her. My 6 year old daughter was VERY particular about her personal space as a baby/toddler. She did not like to have to interact with people she did not know, and was very sensitive. So much so, that before going to my MIL's for a family event, we would have to call ahead to ask who was going to be there so that we could tell her in advance - she is a strange cookie. Anyway, one thing that helped was having pictures of all of our relatives (both sides of the family) either on a wall or in one of those cheap mini photo albums that she could play with. We would go through and identify each relative, and she really enjoyed it. It seemed to help...but we never forced her to give hugs or kisses to anyone - it was always on her terms - still is! :) Hope this helps.

Hi E.-

I agree with Heather C. My MIL watches my son (who is 21 months) every Monday, and he say's no to her all the time. But what she will tell me, is as soon as I leave he is a totally different person. He listens, is very gentil, over all a good boy. But as soon as I come home, he acts up again. She knows and realizes that he is just trying to be loyal. I hope your MIL doesnt get hurt, your son is way to young to know that he is hurting her... tell her to hang in there... and when they do visit, have some alone FUN time... just him and grammy.. he will come to appreciate and look forward to her visits!!
Good Luck!

It is difficult to be in the middle when one's child rejects a grandparent's advances. And I feel for the grandmother, who probably was so excited to see him after a long absence. Some kids are more reserved than others, and like you said (and you know him best) it may have thrown off his routine. My opinion is it's important to protect your child so he knows he can say "no" to any adult's advances, even the innocent ones of a grandparent. (In other words if my kids don't want to give a kiss and hug to someone, I never ever make them. They can shake hands or wave. A kid's instincts are usually more accurate than an adult who has learned to question those instincts or think "nah, not that relative.") The challenge here is that he rejected even her accompanying you. I don't think, as you said, it's possible to have a discussion with him since his ability to think abstractly and logically just isn't there.

The things I would do in your situation: continue to not force him to accept anyone's advances. Remember that he is just two and August is six months away - that timeframe brings a lot of growth and maturity at that age. This may not even be an issue six months from now. Kids go through natural periods of separation anxiety and there is one around two years. Finally, talk with grandma about this - let her know you empathize, that he is young and doesn't have abstract reasoning yet and can't be expected to change. See if he does this with other adults he's not familiar with or if really was just her.

You know, as a teacher, that you cant force affections on a child ... it may be harder to remember that in a more emotional family situation. Take it easy. Things will be different next time. Meanwhile reassure her that children are particular at this age and that he's not got to know her well enough yet. Thank her for the visit. Send photographs.

It's also possible that he was picking up that you weren't thrilled she was there all the time - better luck nest time!

I have two boys, ages 5 and 3. Both sets of grandparents live on the east coast, so we only see them once or twice a year. During the visits, they have always preferred the company of their grandfathers rather than grandmothers, and of course it's the grandmothers that are hurt by this. I have never tried to force them to interact with the grandmothers if they were uncomfortable, but I do insist that they not say mean things that would hurt the grandmothers feelings. My parents just came to visit this month, and they stayed for almost a month, however, they did several side trips during their stay. They came for a few days, then went on a cruise. Then were back for a week, and then went to Palm Springs for a few days. The long duration of the visit, interspersed with some quieter times with just our family really seemed to allow my boys the time to get used to Grandma. They did much better with her this time and by the end were holding her hand and climbing into her lap asking for a story. Consider longer visits next time but perhaps with some quality family time in the middle.

Hi E.,

Your problem is pretty common. That is pretty normal behavior for a 2 year old. Plus he is not used to seeing your Mother in Law on a regular basis so she is still a stranger to him in some ways.

My son did similar things at that age with my Dad and step mom - who live in Florida and only see us every 18 months or 2 years. To help him stay familiar with them, I put pictures of them and all the grandparents on the refrigerator and every day I would show him the pictures and explain who they were so when he did see them they would not seem like strangers. Also, the older your son gets, he'll start remembering his visits with your Mother in Law and will be more comfortable with her.

You just have to reassure her that he's not doing this to hurt her feelings - he's just acting like a normal 2 year old.

Good luck. It will get better.

L.

Hi E., My first thought is to ask you how your relationship is with your MIL? You would be very surprised how smart a 2 yr. old is, and what they pickup & absorb. Also sounds like your little one is very independent. Entering the terrible two 's stage is not fun at all. Maybe some alone time between your child & his grandma might also help. He needs time to get to know her. Good luck.

First, let me say: every time you talk your son understood. We have always talked a lot to our son and I think toddlers understand WAY more than they can actually say.

My 2 yo son, Tegan, does the same thing to my mother. He looks her right in the eyes and yells "NO GIGI!" I told her to start pretending to cry and I explained "Gigi is crying because you hurt her feelings. We don't yell no." (that means mom and dad can't yell no either) Then he would go up to her and say "Gigi, big hug? Why you crying?" They would hug and she would explain he hurt her feelings. Keep the conversations really short, 1 or 2 simple sentences. The guilt trip thing totally worked and he stopped doing it. Now when I try to put him down for a nap he calls for his Gigi.

For mom and dad, I use uh oh, or what are you doing, and other phrases instead of no. This way the word "no" is kinda phased out of our vocabulary which helps make everything a lot more positive.

Good luck!
S.

Grammy needs to have some empathy with the little one, I think, and try to engage him in ways that don't lead to a power play.

I don't have any great solutions but I can commiserate. My 2.5 year old daughter started giving my mother a hard time a couple of months after she turned two. My mother also travels from far away and ADORES my daughter. I know my daughter loves my mother and occasionally shows it but she can be just awful too.

I have mostly talked to my mother about not taking it personally. She seems really wounded and I know that gives my daughter ammunition to do it again. Whereas my MIL barely notices when DD is being a pill to her and, as a result, DD moves on quickly. I have also talked to DD about what is okay and not okay to say to people. And finally, I spend some time really getting DD excited to see my mother - with pictures and stories.

This all helps a little bit but, basically, I just think it is a stage that they have to move through. And the biggest thing I have tried to do is to stay out of it. On some level, I have to get out of the way and let them have their own relationship. Hope that helps!

Not to worry!! I have a 2 1/2 year old girl and we are going through very similar situation. Her daddy came home from Iraq in November and did the same thing and my MIL was here a month ago and did the same things, but I have to say that she is finally getting over it. I really think it is just a stage they go through and trying to see what they can get away with. My husband finally just would do things when I couldn't and I also would leave her with him to go do errands and she HAD to let daddy help and she is now finally starting to stop. Hang in there and see what happens in a few months and hopefully he will be over it by August. I am sure your MIL will understand it is a stage and he is just being 2!!
Tracy

I assume that your MIL doesn't live near. I wouldn't be concerned. He just doesn't know her. She has to give him time to get to know her and learn to like her. My parents live in MI. They come every three months but when they don't seem them they are a bit standoffish for a while. Especially, with my dad. I wouldn't worry...he is only 2. She will have to just deal and eventually it will be better the more and more they see each other. Also, if she is too clingy that could push him away. My MIL is and it does change things. So, give it time and let her know he just doesn't really know her. It isn't her fault or anyones. It just is. He will adapt and get it eventually then just wait when he doesn't want her to go and YOU DO! He he he!

I have a 4 and 2 year old.
We have pictures of my in-laws throughout the and we talk about who they are a lot. We have scrolling pictures on our computers of all family members and we talk about them too. We do video by computer every couple of days with my in-laws too. We send an occasional homemade card to my in-laws where I talk about who is receiving it.

If you want your son to accept her, she needs to be more than an occasional visitor with whom he has no other contact.

Perhaps he needs to hear you say, "Yes, Grammy" whenever you are interacting with her. Your modeling will make all the difference in the world.

I allow my MIL to give them their vitamins or an occasional treat, which they never receive from me(the treat). I make her presence special from anyone else.

Hope this helps

I just went through the same thing!! My mom was here visiting and sleeps in my almost 3 year old's room with him when she visits. This was the same when my girls were little, grandma slept in with them. But the "mommy do it" never came from the girls, just the boy! I think it's boys being territorial about their mommy! I felt awful, but grandma handled it great. She just stayed firm and did what needed to be (shoes on, diaper, get his cup, etc) done to help me out and my son got over it or I sent him to his room. Kids need to know that the grown ups in their lives are there to guide and protect them and we do this by setting boundries on how we respect them and how we expect to be respected in return. By sending him to his room, I clued him in with out words that I respect his Grandma and that her help was okay.
Also, this is a time for your son to figure out his place in the family now that he is more verbal and words are very powerful! My son tries to be the boss of the house all the time, so much more then his sisters ever did! I have to remind him that he is not the boss by telling him that he is to say "okay, mommy" when I tell him something. Otherwise he is all day long with the "you be quiet and no, you do it"
I hope this helps!

I have a 2 1/2 year old and it's similar -- it's "no daddy," "no gamma" -- basically "no" to everyone except me -- everything is "no ____, mommy do!" It's really just a way to control me now that he's in that "2's" stage. Does your MIL know this? I'd tell her it's really more about him and you and him being 2 than anything to do with her -- so her feelings won't get hurt.

I also had the issue of him being a bit afraid of my parents because he doesn't see them much. Something that really seemed to help was really building my parents up -- showing him pictures of them often and really talking about how fun it's going to be to see them in the time leading up to the visit -- seems to have worked because now he'll be excited to see them (after an hour or so of initial shyness).

E.:

My In-Laws live across the country and only see our 16 month daughter once a year, twice if they're lucky. We had the same problem where she didn't want to be held or left alone with them, especially my FIL. I ended up putting together a little photo album of relatives and close friends, both living nearby and long distance, and I'd look through it with her at least once a week and make little comments about each picture.

This past President's weekend, my In-Laws came to visit again and I could see a big difference in the amount of time that it took for our daughter to warm up to them (she even sat in Grandpa's lap, albeit it was only for about 10 seconds). Perhaps you can do the same with your son and talk about how much fun it was to have Grammy visit the last time. But as many of the other moms pointed out, he's at that age. Toddlers around this time are REALLY into things being done in a particular way and order and thrive on repitition and routine even more than ever, which could be why he rejected Grammy trying to get into the mix (case in point, my daughter pitched a fit the other day because I started to blow bubbles during her bath, clearly an offense since that's something only Daddy's supposed to do).

Take heart knowing that it will get better. I think the harder part in all this will be trying to ease Grammy's feelings of dissapointment. As others have commented, just let her know that your son isn't doing it intentionally or maliciously but that he's just at that quirky stage and to hold back a little to allow him to warm up to her on his own terms and time. Good luck!

we see my in laws very rarely and asked them early on to send us pictures of just their heads (so they would be very close up) that we could print out for him. we did that and had them in his room for a long time so every time i changed his diaper we would see the pics and talk a little about them and their dog etc.
seemed to work and, although he didn't want me out of sight, he warmed up great with the last visit.

He's not used to having her around. Even if he saw her before 2 he probably doesn't remember it. My kids were the same way when different grandparents came to visit the 1st time. The more they saw them and talked to them on the phone, the more relaxed they were and willing to play with them.