My daughter is 20 months old and to put it bluntly, she is spoiled! If she doesn't get her way, she will throw a tantrum. Whatever the situation may be. Whether it's wanting her most favorite treat, a lolipop, or a yogurt to wanting to brush her teeth, she throws an ever living hissy fit. I mean she will carry on and on and on. She is bound and determined to get what she desires. Of course, after getting a big fat headache listening to her scream relentlessly and watch her throw herself, I give in and get her whatever she wants. I don't know if it's because she is 'the baby' so to speak, or if it's because it's just her personality. She is a strong willed and independent little girl who won't take 'no' for an answer. I know she is playing me, but how do I put a firm foot on the ground and just say no without her throwing a fit? I never had this problem with my other two children, they were relatively easy about me saying no to something. I have to admit I do baby her a little bit more than I did the other two, but I think that's because she is the last child that I will have. I want to cherish every milestone that she reaches. It's kind of heartbreaking knowing that I will never have another baby. On the other hand,(when she is not throwing a fit), she can be the most lovable child in the world who loves hugs and kisses and just loves to snuggle up with her most favorite book. I have to admit that this is really draining me to the core. I didn't think I was going to be so tired at the end of the day! Any suggestions would be great! Thanks in advance.
I just wanted to thank everyone for their words of encouragement, and ideas to put my daughters spoiledness to rest. Today she sat in front of the bathroom door screaming, crying because she wanted to take a bath. She carried on and on for at least 45 minutes. I tried to divert her attention elsewhere, but to no avail. I couldn't even put a diaper on her! There are times when I can't hear myself think let alone what my other children are saying to me when she has her tantrums, but I have somehow managed to stick to my guns about saying 'no' to her. She hasn't really let up on her tantrums, so I think it's going to be along road. Thanks again!
Hi mom,
I would say that it its really a temper tantrum, then, you simply need to suck it up and bare with it,
Just pay attention to her needs,
M
Hi F.,
She is continuing to have the tantrums because you give in to her. She has learned that if she throws a fit and screams loud enough, you'll give her her way. If you're going to give in, then you might as well just give her what she wants in the first place, don't say no and avoid the tantrum. It's only going to stop if you stop giving in to the tantrums. She isn't going to just stop having them out of the blue, she needs to learn that they won't get her what she wants and you are in control of whether that happens or not. You won't be able to say no without her throwing a fit until she has learned that the tantrum won't get her what she wants, and will get her a time out and a sore throat.
F. - As I write this, I am listening to my two year old scream and cry. She woke up on the WRONG side of the bed this morning, and I decided we needed to start the day over. So...back to bed she went!
My daughter is persistent and LOUD. There are two things that I've found that work for her:
1) (this one is best for when you're out in public) - I get down right on her level, hold her firmly but kindly as close as I can, and talk oh so softly in her ear. I talk about the exciting things we're going to do next, to try to distract her. I'm NOT rewarding her behavior, just reminding her that her tantrum is delaying our plans. If she's throwing a tantrum about leaving the mall, I remind her that when we get to the elevator she gets to push the buttons, and then we get to climb in the car, and then, and then, and then...
2) (this is what I do at home) - She has to go to her room until she is happy. Now, HONESTLY, I don't think I've ever left her in there long enough for her to simply stop crying on her own. However, after 5-10 minutes, I will go stand outside her door and ask if she is ready to be happy. If she can answer me, I let her out - but she does not put one TOE past the doorway if she is still crying.
She knows I mean business. I'm the "mean" parent. I tell her the consequences of her actions, and I follow through. (Which means that I must be VERY careful what I threaten her with - I have to make sure I can follow through with it!! LOL)
I hope that helps. Stand strong, Mama. (Oh, and PLEASE don't think that I'm some sort of strong, patient angel-mama. I lose my temper SO SO SO often. Those two options are Best Case scenarios. Some days, I simply pick her up, throw her into her room, shut the door and leave...until I can calm down! My mother gave me that advice - some days, having the screaming toddler within arms reach is dangerous. LOL)
I like Maxine L's advice. You have to have punishments for the behavior and you have to follow through with them, so like she said be careful what you threaten her with.
In addition, I would tell her that "mommy can not hear you when you use that voice, when you are ready to speak nicely, we'll talk about what's upsetting you". End of discussion. Remove her from the situation if you can, of course, if you are in the middle of grocery shopping, you are stuck.
You can try offering to reward her ahead of time for good behavior - if you are going shopping, and you know she'll want a lollipop at the end, tell her if she behaves nicely and listens while you are shopping, she can get a lollipop in the checkout line. She'll know that she can get a little treat, it will give her something to look forward to instead of being overwhelmed by every beanie baby and other goody at kids eye level. And you can tell her if she's bad or doesn't listen, there will be no lollipop and she will be in timeout when she gets home. (the future timeout is a tough concept for a 20-month old though, more immediate punishments are better)
good luck.
I would never have the guts to do this myself, but when my friend's daughter threw a tantrum in a grocery store, the MOM threw herself on the ground, screamed, kicked, etc. for a couple of minutes then got up & continued shopping, and the daughter never did it again!
F., I know what you're saying, but she knows that if she does this and that, you'd give in. She knows it as well as you do. They are not stupid, they test and if they fail, they will keep on trying that way or this say whatever makes you say, alright, here have it. They are like, wow, I'll do this again the next time because I got it what I want. We mothers sometimes give in with the youngest but that is bad for us to do that and not fair to the child who we give in and it's definitely not fair to the other children. You must stick to your guns and make it clear, you are not going to give me that attitude. You make it firm and clear and look at her in the eye to know that this is not acceptable and it's going to stop. My youngest HATES anyone touching his hair. He has beautiful curls and people just admire it and sometimes want to touch it. Well, for us to pick it out after we wash his hair which is hard, I say, no, you are not going to scream. You are going to let me do it. And he knows now that he has to sit there and let me pick his hair out. He's 21 months and he has had to learn this. I won't accept the tantrums!! So, you have to do it for all of you, including her. It's not fair to her because she'll do that when she grows up and will expect others to give in too. You keep going and again, STICK TO WHAT YOU SAY AND DON'T GIVE IN! Let us know how it went.
Sometimes it's just pure personality...it's also is a learned response to your behavior...it's also her inability to really speak what she wants and to explain her feelings. By making it easier on yourself now because it gives you a headache...will only make it worse as she gets older. She will not only expect you to give in to her...but everyone else around her. What a rude awakening that will be when she goes to preschool or kindergarten. Children really do want structure and guidelines. So begin today. You will be doing her a huge favor. You do not have to give big long explanations as to why you are saying no...JUST SAY NO!!!!!!! Remember your other children are watching this and will begin to push the limits also when they see that she gets what she wants ... and how she gets it! Being a mother is not easy...but all the joys outweigh these situations... We think we are teaching them everything...we also learn just as much along the way.
You have three children...YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE~! :)
Yes, you can unspoil her. And no, you can't put your foot down (and keep it down) without a tantrum. So let her blow. Find something to distract yourself. I recommend a good book to read while sitting next to her and letting her scream it out. It worked wonders with my strong-willed second daughter. It will be unpleasant for a while, but she'll get over it. And in the long run it will make your life easier. So take a deep breath, and get started. You can do this.
She's going to continue throwing a fit as long as it continues to work. The only way to put your foot down is to just do so. Honestly. You have to mean it, not cave in and not feel badly about it. It is entirely possible to reshape behavior, but keep in mind that it will get significantly worse before it gets better. If you give in, even just once, you will be starting over- only at a more intense level.
Basically your daughter has learned exactly what level of intensity will lead to your breaking-out. If you draw the line she will try to push until you break. If you do, you just reset that point for her.
Simply say "no" to whatever it is that is not allowed and remove it from view (or remove her). Designate a time out spot (a mat works well at this age) and keep putting her back on it until she calms down. You don't need to praise her for calming down, nor do you need to explain why you said "no".
Make sure to compliment her with tons of verbal praise and kisses (nothing tangible) when she does what you ask without throwing a fit.
Keep in mind that it took her 20 months to learn the behavior- it won't change overnight.
F.,
You answered your own question...you baby her. That plus the fact that she is strong willed and independent lead her to behave this way. As hard as it is,you must start saying no while you still can control her.
I've been lucky with my daughter, but there have been a few times when she's thrown a horrible tantrum in a store...what did I do? I picked her up and walked right out of the store and disciplined her once I got home. I did not give into her wanting the toy or whatever it was...
Also, don't forget about how your other girls might feel when they see littlest sis getting her way all the time. they might start to learn the behavior even though they've never acted out that way before.
Don't give in!! Get earplugs, tune out, go in another room while she 'hissies' it out herself, they are soo smart at that age, once they know they get to you, your done. You have to get thru it.
I remember moments with my son like that, I used my words and told him to do the same. Sometimes I was firm, "I am not going to give you ??? while you are crying/screaming" and it just didn't matter, I would say 'maybe tomorrow if you make good choices'. I was scared to death of perpetuating more behavior like that. If in public, I focused on him, let him have a temper, I don't get angry, it's 'his' emotion not mine, I try to console, and wait it out, if I happen to catch anyone staring, I looked right back and said to them " I said No" usually they just chuckle. People look because they want to see how you handle it. Also in stores or at home, I would say "That's okay, honey you can cry if it makes you feel better, I'm going in the other room until you pull it together Stuff like that, I never got mad, but you HAVE TO outlast her to break the cycle.
Good Luck
WELCOME TO THE "TERRIBLE TWOS"!!!!! My daughter is going throught the same thing right now and I have to be stronger willed than she is. I can try to change the subject but when she is determined to make my life miserable and get her own ways the tantrums can go on and on. Pick your battles and then WIN! If you say no stick to it and let her see that a tantrum will NOT get her what she wants. There is no other way than to out last her. I keep hoping that she grows out of it soon too but we will be having another baby in 4 weeks or less and it will still be something I have to do!!! Hang in there This too shall pass! A.
Yes you can F.! You just have to be strong. And consistant! She has to understand that you mean what you say. Every time you give in you teach her that her behavior is acceptable. It's hard because she is your baby, but she will eventually unlearn her bad habits with your consistant love and guidelines. Have conversations with her and tell her what you expect and what you will and will not tolerate. Then give her consequences such as timeouts. She'll get it and she will respect you for it.
Yes of course! You must say in a firm voice "No" and than explain why it is no. Redirect her into another activity or perhaps do it later. You must be logical. After you explain your position, you move on. She carries on, you explain to her again and than that is it. Do NOT give in. She knows that if she puts a big fuss up you will give in. You can not do this. THis should last for a week, but once she knows she can't change your mind, the behaviour will stop. You just have to put the effort in to retrain her and than it is all good.
Also you have to be reasonable, nobody wants to be told "no" all day long. When you can, say "yes".
Hi F.,
You are teaching her that behavior by giving in. She's learned that if she throws a tantrum, she'll get what she wants, so tantrums she throws. At this point, you can have her unlearn this behavior, but only by a) watching for the first signs of an oncoming tantrum and redirect her attention, and b) not giving in when she has a tantrum, no matter how unpleasant it may be, and how long she cries. Since she's strong-willed, she will cry for a long time. Be there, be with her the whole way, but don't give in.
My son's last real tantrum happened in a store. I walked out, sat him down in a safe place in the parking lot, and let him cry for as long as he wanted to, being very calm (that pat was hard after 10 minutes of it, but I kept it), telling him that I loved him but that this behavior was not acceptable, until he finally calmed down and wanted to be in my arms, at which point we could go home.
As you stop giving in, her tantrums will briefly get worse, but then she'll stop. If it helps, think of the long-term consequences: if you let her have tantrums like this, she'll still do it (in a slightly altered form) when she's a teenager and a young adult, because she'll have learned that she gets what she wants this way... and she'll have some very nasty surprises when she tries this on other people than you. Thinking about it helped me stand fast when I was about to give in more than once.
Good luck!
K.
I don't believe a baby can be spoiled. There's no way you can give them too much love. <3 to me, she just sounds strong willed and like she knows what she wants. That's a wonderful thing, not a bad thing at all. She sounds like a beautiful little girl. Maybe you can just help her to carve that determination into something wonderful too. My 3rd son is the same way. kinda every child is different..and we wouldn't really want them all the same. would we? =)
You certainly can. What it sounds like you have is a contest of wills and your daughter is winning. If she wants something that you don't want her to have, redirect her attention to something else that you do want. Children have such short attention spans that they quickly forget. My 16 month old daughter throws a fit too when she doesnt get her way (loves to throw things and knock things off tables). I just give her something I want her to have and the fit stops. Positive reinforcement. If all else falls and she is still throwing the mother of all hissy fits and is in danger of harming herself, put her in a safe place , like her playpen with her favorite soft stuffed animal and let her wail. She'll eventually stop when she relizes that throwing a tantrum is not getting her what she wants.
By giving in to her tantrums you are letting her know that this is how she gets what she wants. If you do not give her what she wants when she throws these tantrums..she will stop doing it because they are not getting the desired effect (then she will try something else!)
I know it will be hard but your daughter will still love you even if you don't give in. Good luck mom!
Yes you certainly can unspoil a spoiled child and the sooner the better.
All of the advice given has certainly been great. Use all of the tricks of the trade. You must stand your ground though. She has learned her bad behavior gets rewarded by getting her what she wants. So change your behavior and her behavior will change. Get ear plugs to dampen some of her noise. You will still be able to hear her but it will definitely be a more muted sound. Practice disciplining her more at home and correcting the behavior there as well as outside of the home.
My mother when I was having a supermarket meltdown, stepped over me and kept it moving. Without the audience, it just wasn't worth my while.
My son tried this same behavior. I got down on his level, whispered in his ear how I wasn't having any part of it and if he didn't get up immediately he couldn't have his favorite toy (which I kept in my bag for distractions while shopping or on errands).
You have to figure out what works for your little one but giving in to her misbehavior isn't working for you. I always say if the child or me has to have a headache let it not be me.
You are doing a great job of being a mom but don't let the "last one out the gate" syndrone cause you to give in to her poor manners and unacceptible behavior.
Hi F.!
I don't have the time to read all the other responses before posting so this may be repetative and I apologize in advance...
Your daughter is testing boundaries. My daughter just turned 2 years old and we are dealing with a similar phase that probably started about the same time.
We have started using the time-out method. We give her 2 warnings and then a "penalty". The warnings may come in the form of a countdown (1, 2, 3) if the situation is really bad. We have applied this to everything from not cleaning up toys to harassing the dog to complete unprompted meltdowns. Initially, we would place her in her crib for 3 minutes (basically her age plus 1 minute). Then we purchased small toy plastic seats from the local A&P and started using those. We keep them out of sight - they are not toys for daily use. We only take them out when she has a time out and she gets to help put it back in the closet when we are all done. The time out always concludes with her telling us "sorry" and we always ask her "sorry for what?". We want to drive home that she has to be sorry for the unacceptable behavior and not just "sorry" so that she can leave time out. We then will say something like "Mommy/Daddy knows that you were angry/frustrated/not listening/whatever. When you can not do X, you have to use your big girl words and tell us you are not happy." We make sure everyone impacted gets hugs. She seems to be catching on and certain behaviors are beginning to be curtailed.
You need to be consistent and she will test you several times before staying put. It's okay. You put her back the first 2 times and tell her that she must stay to finish her time out and then when you put her back (3rd plus time), say nothing. I think my daughter hated the silence more than anything.
Also, I would avoid using a timer. My friends daughter now thinks time-out is a game because of the cool "ding" at the end of the punishment period.
Good luck. She is still so young and eventually, she will thank you for setting limits and discipline.
~C.
Take a deep breath, make sure she's in a safe place to flail and IGNORE HER!! Temper tantrums only work when there's a pay off. Don't give her one. YOU are the boss. Get ear plugs if you have to. But DONT GIVE IN. My 2nd child was a tantrum thrower and so were some of the children I babysat for. Pull them to the middle of the floor and let 'em scream. If it makes you feel any better... the first couple of times are hard, then they start to realize you're not going t give in and the tantrums get fewer, farther between and much shorter. Good luck!
This is an old posting and by now, I hope it is moot. I looked through the other responses and realized that no one had mentioned language as a cause for the tantrums. It's clear of course that the primary reason she does it si because she has been conditioned to learn that - it works. However, one of the reasons she may be so quick to escalate is because she is frustrated about her communication deficit. If you're confident that her receptive language is progressing well, then you have no long term worries. I would still keep my words very brief and concise though. If she's talking, use the same number of words in a sentence that she does. Encourage her to use her words to explain what she wants. If she isn't talking yet, don't worry, it's still early but this may be the source of her frustration. Get a Baby Signs book and teach her a few signs. One way that I have seen mom's "baby" their children is by anticipating their every need. Helping her to acquire language and use it may help her frustration and fits. Even if it's as simple as teaching her to say "Help, please." If you know what she want, ask her. If she confirms with a nod, ask her to say it in words. As soon as she begins tantruming tell her that you will only listen when she stops crying. If she can ask for what she wants without tantruming, even if you can't say yes, try to find a way to compromise. Of course -- never give in, but do try give her the tools (words) to express what she needs.
I just read some of the responese and wanted to add that a crying child is not a happy child. The longer the tantrums the more unhappy she will become and so will you. You must stop her tantrums today. Tell her right now that you will no longer tolerate her tantrums. If she has one you will punish her immediately by putting her in time out. Then figure out where you can stick her so she cant see what is going on and point this area out to her. I am old fashioned and have had many kids and believe in children facing a corner or wall, It's always worked for me, but the modern approach is a time out chair. Whatever you chose you must make her stay there the second she has a tantrum. No second chance, no warning, you already warned her by showing her the spot. She will learn if you are consistant.
Pick your battles carefully, you can't always tell her no to everything, but when you do say no, you MUST stick with it EVERY TIME no matter how bad the tantrum is!!! When you give in, it shows the child that if they scream long enough they will eventually get what they want. That is what she is used to so that is why the tantrums go on for so long. It will get worse before it gets better because she is used to you giving in. Once she realizes you mean business and you are never going to give in once you say no, it will get better. Get some earplugs (LOL), prepare for a week of insanity and stick to your guns and you can turn this around. Best of luck to you....Being a Mommy is the hardest job in the world!!!
