How Can I Discipline My 4 Year Old Son

I have a 13 year old and when I put my 4 year old's toys in time out my older one remembers me doing the same thing to him. So every time he threw a toy or object that item got the time out instead. That way he wasn't in time out all the time. When it was really bad, they had to stand in a corner and face the wall for every minute of their age. Also, to get them to clean up their messes we sing the clean up song. If that don't work I throw their toys away. My 4 year old always runs when I say "ok, what's going in the trash?"

There is a book (cassette) called "123 Magic" that I used on my daughter when she was little. I have two older sons that were very difficult to manage and time out would not work. You should be able to find it at amazon. It took a couple times of listening through it and trying it out on my daughter, but she almost never throws tantrums any more. Whatever you decide to do, consistancy is the key. Just be calm and what ever you decide over and over until he gets it. Teaching them early is the key to not having to dealing with much bigger problems as they get older. I know I did everything wrong with my boys who are 25 and 23 and I am learning how to do them right with my daughter. Good luck.

L.

I have a temperamental 4 year old also. We use a good boy and bad boy chart. When he does something bad - like not listening - he gets a sad face. After 5 sad faces, he loses a toy or juice for a day or something like that. When he does something good - like cleaning up without being told - he gets a good boy sticker. After five of those he gets a confiscated toy back, a root beer float, or some other prize. I suggest you try that. This way the lines are clearly drawn, and there's no going back on the chart. If he still throws tantrums, isolate him from everyone and make sure everyone ignores him until he's finished throwing his fit. If he's not getting any attention for doing it, he won't want to do it anymore. Good luck!!

A good book on discipline is 123 Magic by Dr Pehlan(SP).My daughters phsycologist had us read this book and start using the techniques. It works great and after about two weeks I had my sweet little girl back. We also use it on our 20 Month old and she gets it as well. Amazon carries it for pretty cheap. I know half price books does not carry it at all.

Hi A.,

First of all disciplining children should be used to teach them appropriate behavior and it should not start at 4. He has gotten the message somewhere along the line that what he is doing gets him what he wants, when he wants it. Now I can see where with 4 children sometimes being consistent and firm is difficult and exhausting. But if you want this behavior to stop and for him to learn to earn positive attention you will have to be consistent and firm with your discipline. Hitting you or his siblings is NOT acceptable ever! When my grandson who is two and lives with me began hitting me, because at first his mom, my daughter thought it was funny, I clearly stated to him that hitting was not allowed. I would at times have to hold his arms and legs firmly while he cried and continued to try and hit or bite me until he calmed down and I could tell him that hitting hurt and was not acceptable. He eventually got the message and that was at 16 - 18 months. As I said he is two and he knows that hitting hurts and is not a positive way to get anyone's attention. At four your son is capable of listening and understanding. I would carry him to his room or a safe place when he misbehaves and let him know that he is welcome to rejoin the rest of you when he can behave. If he hits you or his siblings re-enforce the no hitting rule and place him in that safe place until he can again behave and not use hitting as a way to get attention. When he goes to school you will have bigger problems if he continues to hit or throw those tantrums, they will not tolerate it and you will be spending your time defusing the situation up at school. Get a handle on it now and your days will be much happier, but it takes time to change a behavior and it takes patience, love and attention - lots of positive attention. Just some thoughts, Good luck!

The key point is to always follow through with the stated punishment: corner, swat, removal of toy for a cetain period of time. Be constant. My 5 year old son is a tantrum thrower, too, but they are getting less common, because he knows he will get one of two punishments for tantrums.

I use the corner and/or swats, depending on the situation. My kids totally dislike the corner, especially in public. If it is in a store or any public space really, I will find a wall or corner and they have to stand there with their hands behind their backs. They don't have to be perfectly still but they do have to behave in the corner facing the wall, no looking around, bending down, etc. If they have repeated the offense, then they get one to three swats depending on the severity of the offense. If it's a "quit begging" issue, one swat; stepping in the street 3 swats and having to go inside. I don't even say "1,2,3" anymore. I have weaned them off of that. I now say, for example, "Stop bouncing the ball and put it back on the store shelf." Then I say the child's name firmly (that is "1"). I then say "2" or I hold up two fingers. If they don't mind at the mention of "2", then I walk over and either tell them to stand at a wall (I can make anything a 'corner' in any location) or I will swat the behind. They know I'm not fooling around, they know I WILL follow through. I normally don't even get past two anymore. They usually respond VERY quickly, even if it is with attitude.

I have gotten MANY compliments on how well my kids mind me when I tell them to do something and even on how quiickly they respnd when I say "2".

Good luck, I hope you find what's right for you soon.

Whatever you decide to do you MUST be consistant or he will continue to believe he is in control and can control you. Next time, calmly tell him that his behavior is innapropriate and take him to his room. Close his door and let him know you will be willing to talk when he calms down.

Here are three books that have helped with ours:

What the Bible Says about Training Children by Richard Fugate
To Train Up a Child by Michael Pearl (this one is a don't throw the baby out with the bath water book - just glean)
Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ken Trip (? on the author as I am doing it by memory)

Then, Bill Gothard has some really good character books to help train character into our children.

Be blessed,
A.

i worked at a head start program when we had a child like that ,we had to hold them down now wait it's not bad use your open hands and cross there arms oh yea you have to be on the floor then put them in your lap ,and cross your legs over theirs ,explain to them why you are doing this and as soon as they stop you will let them up ,but being a mom tell them how much you love them ,but that you do not like the way they are acting ,and this will happen ever time until they stop acting like that.hope this helps
L. TX

What stopped the tantrums for me was this: When my step daughter would start to throw a fit, I'd either pick her up or just grab her hand and lead her to her room. I'd then tell her that she could throw a fit all she wanted but I didnt have to listen to it, and that she could come out when she decided to behave properly. Then I'd shut the door and go turn the TV up or go far enough away from her door that I couldn't hear her. It took two times of me doing that and she has never thrown a fit for me since. If she does it again, I'll just do the same thing again...

James Dobson's Parenting the Strong-willed Child is great. So good in fact that I sent it to another Mamasource Mama who was in need! I am not sure that I incorporated everything that the book recommended, but it did help me to get ahold of myself and realize that these behaviors were normal and that there were things I could do to counteract them. Good luck, God Bless.

A.,

My niece is 5, and I have witnessed a couple of these kicking/screaming/crying/throw-myself-on-the-floor-in-the-middle-of-the-store-because-I-didn't-get-what-I-want tantrums. Obviously, if -I- have seen a couple, you know these happen more often.

My brother and his wife have tried a LOT, including time-outs, and nothing seemed to work. My mom suggested to them that they TOTALLY ignore the fit. My s-i-l had a tendency to pour extra attention on her son, while "ignoring" my neice, which only made it worse. Recently, she (and my brother) have tried -truly- ignoring the fits, and we all have noticed that they've gotten much better. Instead of the aforementioned demonstrations in the horizontal position, she will still cry and wail, but the duration and intensity has decreased dramatically (I call them mini-fits).

Best of luck!
M.

Avoid spanking or hitting. Especially at this age, children tend to model the behavior they see. If he sees you responding to a situation with spanking or hitting, he will in turn do the same behavior to other siblings or children. When your son throws his temper tantrum, let him work through it. It is frustrating for young children to be upset and not have the ability to articulate exactly how they are feeling. Logical consequesnces are the best approach. Timeouts (1 minute for each year of the child--4 minutes for your 4YO son) are effective, where they can think about their actions for a few minutes. You can also use incentives for good behavior (tokens - 7 + a new toy, a special outing, etc. Also, Super Nanny has wonderful ideas. I record the episodes so I can watch them without the children present. Good Luck!

Hi A.,

Nothing is more frustrating than having a strong-willed child. I struggled with my older son, and I tried everything the "experts" advised, but NOTHING ever worked. He was such a handful! If I tried to put him on time-out in his bedroom he would come out, no matter how many times I put him back in, so I would hold the door closed and he would scream in rage and pound on the door and throw himself on it.

Finally, a friend recommended a wonderful book called "Sheparding A Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp. My husband and I read it and began implementing Biblical principles for discipline, and it has helped 100%. He went from being a Toddler Terror to a wonderful little boy. He is now 5, and we are consistent with our discipline and have taken it to the next level and addressing his heart - his motivivations for doing what is right. It is time consuming to discipline with love, because we must take the time to talk to him and pray with him when he disobeys, but it worth it. We are teaching him to have a good heart instead of simply addressing the behavior. Anyone can change behavior, but changing one's heart will naturally produce the right behavior.

I wish you well. I know how difficult it can be.

I wasn't going to write at first, but I have child who was a tantrum thrower...and I will share what worked for me.

At first I would get mad that he was throwing a tantrum...so first I had to realize I didn't have to get upset because he was upset. And once I had a plan in place of how I was going to handle it then I stayed calm...because I had a plan.

First, I tried swatting him to let him know a tantrum wasn't desirable. And this seemed to escalate the tantrum and he would cry and scream even longer.

Then I tried ignoring the tantrum all together...this didn't work out very well either, because as long as he could see me...the fit would go on and on and on...

Finally, I tried placing him on the floor in his room (I guess it is kinda like a time out) and very firmly tell him that when he can "use his words" and calmly speak to me that he can come out. I left the door open and listened to him...when he stopped sometimes at first I would go and ask if he was ready to come out (sometimes he would say yes, and sometimes he would start crying again). Now when he calms down he will come find me and use his words...I make sure he apologizes for his behavior then we move on.

Actually the putting him alone in his room and ignoring the behavior worked best for me...I can't remember the last tantrum he has had...*knock on wood*

Oh and at the store...I would tell him we will go sit in the car until he had calmed down...I haven't had to follow through on that yet...but I am sure I will one of these days. He likes going to the store.

Sending you a big hug...tantrums are hard {{{{{hug}}}}}

I agree consistency is key! If you threaten a punishment you HAVE to follow through.

A great book is Parenting For The Strong Willed Child. It has some great techiniques and it is perfect for your sons age. It was reccomended to us by a child psychiatrist, and it did wonders.

I know it may sound strange but you may try and give him a baby doll to take care of. Show him how to love it and put it to sleep. When my son was younger he use to have fits and hit people but I noticed how he use to play with his sisters dolls and thats where I got the idea. Soon afterwards he got his own doll and started taking care of her and those fits went away. dont get me wrong my son still acts up but nowhere near what he use to. I hope this helps.

Watch Super Nanny: exceelent advice, she is wonderful. I think she comes on tonight on one of the prime stations

With children this age I believe that the techniques used on the show Supernanny are right on. They key is consistency. Give him one warning and then put him in time out for 4 minutes every time he tantrums. Reward days when he does not have a tantrum. Don't give up, it will pass if you handle it calmly and consistently. Don't let him get you upset, be calm and just put him back in time out if he gets out. Good luck!

Hi A.! I agree with Channa. My son is 4 1/2. When he doesnt get his way he might start throwing a tantrum or cry and I just tell him to go to his room and when he is done he can come out. The thing is to keep your cool. If he sees he is "getting" you he will continue and will get worse. You are not putting a controlled stop to it, but allowing him to make his own decision on how he will react. If he chooses to cry or throw a tantrum he is allowed to do it in his room, but he is being able to make that decision. I dont know to what extent he throws tantrums, but if you are in public and he starts throwing them walk away from him(keep an eye on him though) children dont want to be left alone like that. If he throws himself on the floor step over him and keep walking. When he sees he isnt getting his way or your attention he will get up and run to you. It might take a few times of consistant discipline but he will eventually get the point. He just wants to know you mean business. My son will be a little A. for a month or so and then will start testing the waters to see if things are still the same, and believe me, they are! Also, if the child deliberatly disobeys you then that is cause for spanking. Keep up the good work mom, you will be just fine! God bless you!
H.

Hi A.,

It helped me to be told that four is a particularly wild stage where kids tend to be "out of bounds" a lot of the time. It is a period that kids ideally go into not knowing where the boundaries are and come out knowing how to accept no for an answer. That didn't work out with my daughter, who was STILL out of bounds at five and needed a lot of remedial discipline. I can't say exactly what I should have done to get her seeing me as an authority figure sooner, but here are a few things I wish i had done:

I wish I had talked more with her teacher, because when I finally did check in with the teacher, it turned out she wasn't listening at school either -- since I hadn't heard anything I assumed she was able to listen and obey in school and was less worried about her inability to listen and obey at home than I would have been if I'd realized that she couldn't do those things AT ALL!!

I wish I had been consistent and always followed through with any threatened consequences. I wish I had had more hustle, addressing problems when they were small and not waiting until they got really big, because I think it affected my daughter's self esteem that I let her get so far out of line. I wish I had talked less and acted more -- that's something I just figured out this year -- if I am talking, I am not the one in control -- good consequences are ones that can be implemented with few or no words -- and they should be implemented in a pleasant, calm tone -- if the kid has a fit, that's fine, he doesn't have to like it -- it doesn't matter one way or the other if he likes it -- it is his job to test boundaries and mine to show him clearly where they are and to enforce them every time. Arguing with and nagging at the kid is a clear sign to everyone that I am not in charge of what may and may not happen in our family. Simple phrases also help -- like "we don't do that in our family," "that is not a service I provide," and "what can you do to earn that?"

I had a lot of anxiety about "bribes," until I realized this year that if I give the kid a reward because she promises she WILL do something, that is a bribe, and it never works. If I give her a reward after she did something, that is a reward and it's a very useful way of letting her see that when she does it right life is much more fun. Positive words are also very important -- noticing and rewarding the good things she does is key to improving things. Also, focusing on only one or two things at a time is very helpful. My husband and I meet every week to assess how things are going and, if necessary, to identify what is not working and to come up with a strategy to address it. I also learned that giving myself a time out was more effective with my kid than giving her one. When I put her in time out she left and it turned into a physical struggle that escalated -- sometimes I needed to handle things that way, and she needed to know that I could and would, but at home it was easier for me to go into my room and shut the door. I had more control of that, and she HATED it. I still use putting a door between me and her (with a calm voice and not in a spirit of meanness or punishment, but emphasizing that I need a break and that she is draining my energy and I need to replenish it) when she starts to escalate.

I also made things much worse by trying to travel with my four year old -- this is an awful age for traveling, and car trips are an especially bad idea!

good luck!
M.

Having taught 4 year olds for years (and raising 3 of my own), I hwve found that every child has something they like and do not want to be separated from...for instance, one child loved to be around lots of people, so separating them helped eliminate the undesirable behavior. Maybe it is a special toy, tv, whatever. Use that as the correcting tool. Second, remove yourself and the other children from the "fit"...tell him when he is done he may join you and the rest of the family but you all don't have to be present for his tantrums. All are different and require different means of building up and redirecting when things are not going the right way. Good luck...it is definitely worth all the effort.

Get the book "Parenting With Love and Logic." If you don't get the book, you can go out to their Web site, where they have tons of helpful information. www.loveandlogic.com

The Love and Logic philosophy (also used by many school districts) helps kids learn to evaluate choices and make their own decisions. It's as effective on toddlers as it is on adults. Most kids who throw tantrums do it as an emotional response to something in their lives that they feel is out of their control. Our jobs as parents is not to "control" our kids, it is to help them see the choices they have in front of them, and the consequences or results of each choice. This foundation for decision making helps kids gain self-confidence and the ability to make the right choices as they get older and more independent from their parents.

Young kids don't have the emotional maturity or the vocabulary to let us know what they are thinking and feeling, so tantrums and attention-getting behavior are typical emotional responses. When my kids whine or throw tantrums, I tell them in a calm voice that we will continue talking (or whatever we were doing) when they have finished. Then I walk away. If they haven't come to me within a minute or two, I will check on them and remind them that I am ready to talk when they are. Then I walk away again. They can keep crying and screaming - that is one of their choices. But when they see that I'm not responding to it, and more importantly, they're not getting what they want, they usually come around pretty quickly.

Kids sometimes make "wrong" choices. We have to let them do that and give them the chance to see for themselves why it was a bad choice - no lectures, no "I told you so." Only then will they be able to see what the "good" choices are, because they learn that it is up to them to make the choice.

Hey A.,

When it come to tantrums the thing to do is ingore them. The child only throws one because he know he will get some sort of attenetion. I now it will be hard to do, but when he starts just calmly walk way and keep yourself busy. At first he my follow you and want attention, but if you have him in time out calmly pick him up and put him back. Tell with with a firm voice that time out is not over and go back to what you are doing. In time he will understand that he is not getting any attentention from his tantrums. Good luck

I will be the first to admit that some kids, once you issue punishment, will comply, while others will continue to push the envelope. I have witnessed both and they all turn out okay - but the parents suffer in the interim.

So, first of all, make sure you are consistent, and very clear on what behaviors will merit punishment as well as what type of punishment. Then, issue the punishment the FIRST time the undesired behavior is exhibited. If you dont, then the child is not really sure you are serious about it, and then if after several weak warnings the punishment is finally issued, the child is very frustrated (as are you) and the child is angry because by that point, they feel the punishment is unjust, which leads to temper tantrums, etc. (Inconsistent punishment sets your child up for failure - no wonder they are angry.)

My own experience (which is supported by Supper Nanny's advice) has proven that "time out" works the best (not slapping hands or spanking). A young child dearly loves their parents and will do anything to please them and mostly, be with them and spend time with them. Any attention, even negative attention, will increase a behavior. Therefore, have a "time-out" spot and take them there (haul if necessary) immediately and close the door. Keep time-out short - but if they KNOW you will remove them everytime, without variance, they will learn.

Secondly, observe your child to watch for his "cues" as to when he is tired or getting frustrated. Put them in "quiet time or nap time before they reach that "over stimulated" point where the behavior deteriorates quickly.

Lastly, your child is 4 yrs old and will be going to school soon. Try to talk with him and find out what gets him frustrated and then find ways to put elements of the world within his control that are reasonable. (As a healthcare designer, studies show that in-patients improve faster when elements of their care are within their control - even simple things like what time and what they eat, the room temperature, choice of artwork in the room, etc). My own "Mom" experience has proven that finding ways for your child to control his own environment, within reason, not only teaches them responsibility but also shows that their behavior does impact what they do and do not receive.

It is very important to master this concept now because, teens are nothing more that bigger toddlers (they grow and develop and mature up til about 12 yrs old - and then those darn hormones kick in- and it seems like you are back to 4 yrs old again - only bigger). Kids nowadays are much smarter and know how to manipulate the system - and the parents. So - if they are not TOTALLY convinced at age 4 that you will follow through on the established guidelines - you wont have a chance at age 14.

sorry this is so long, but i read the other comments. Channa S had great advice about giving child permission to have the tantrum - but somewhere else! This gives them some choice and control - while still following your rules. Also, Heather F advice about James Dobson book, "the Strong Willed Child". i also read this - and followed most of this advice - as does Super Nanny.

Good luck, hang in there - and watch the Super Nanny weekly for moral support. She really does know what she is talking about.

About me: a 53 yr old working mom of two grown children, a grandmother on a 3 yr old, married 30 yrs. An interior design major and child psychology minor.

My son is a trantrum thrower too. I created a new house rule, which states if you need to throw a tantrum, then you have to go to your room to do it because nobody else wants to hear it. This allows the child the freedom to express himself, but doesn't subject anyone else to it. They know that when they stop crying and can control themselves they are more than welcomed to come and joine the rest of the house. My son is now two and when he starts with the tantrum, I just have to ask, "Do you need to go to your room?" and he immediately stops crying and says, "nope, I'm good." Then he runs off to go play or do whatever. Hope this helps for you. I stopped the control issue of it by letting him know he could do it, but I did control where he did it and then he chooses on his own if he acts that way or not. Mostly not, but there are days when he apparently needs a good cry. Hope this helps you. I have a daughter who is 3 and I know she helps him to have a tantrum a lot of the time. Siblings.... I see your are close in age too, so that maybe what is happening too.

I struggle with my 7 year old, but I do remember when he was about 4 years old, I started taking his favorite things away, and that really made him think twice.. I had a garbage bag, and every time he did something bad and didn't change things when I got on him, I took away something and put it in the bag. I remember having the bag pretty full and then when he decided not to fight me anymore, and he really did start behaving again, I would start giving things back one by one. However, you may have to get to the point that you throw some things away.... I had to do that a few times as well. Following through and being consistent with your threats is REALLY important.