I Dont Know What to Do with My 17 Month Old Son

Yes. it is a phase. Toddlers develop quicker mentally than verbally so they can't get out what they want to tell you. My daughter is two. She throws herself on the floor but I hold her. I tell her its OK. Then distract her with milk or toys. I also practice talking to her. The more words she learns, the better she feels. I hope this helps. By the way, people nicknamed her Mariah Carey because of her screech.

Please, please don't worry! The "terrible twos" often start around 18 months. It's a phase. We have ALL gone through this. You mention that he is learning how to better communicate with you--that is really the biggest key to this phase. He's learning to communicate but he hasn't gotten it down yet, and that's frustrating. Repeat things back to him so he knows when you understand him, speak clearly to him so you know he understands you, give him some control when you can (choice of cup color, for instance), and do NOT give in to the fits because it will make them worse. My two year old is throwing a fit right now, so I have to go... :) Hang in there.

Well, what I CAN tell you is that it is normal psychological development for him to be going through at this point. My babe is 15 months and is already beginning. So I recently re-read some more info about what to expect and what's going on for them at this age. The encouragement I can offer to you is that if he hadn't gone through this now, his teenage rebellion would be even worse. And that it is important HOW you move through this. You need as much emotional support as possible so that you can remain centered and calm. You definitely need to have or create a safe place for him to carry on, then you have to walk away. The more you try to calm him down and help him in that moment, the worse it becomes and the longer this stage will prolong. Even if he's screaming and crying at the top of his lungs, you calmly say "this is not okay, I know you're upset but you cannot talk to mommy this way. Mommy cannot help you when you're like this. I am going to walk away and when you calm down I will be back." Then let him carry on as he needs to (in his crib, playpen, etc), do your best not to rush in no matter how much louder he gets and WAIT. Promise you that he'll calm down sooner that way and that he will get through this phase quicker. THEN, you walk back in and pretty much say the same thing "mommy is sorry you were upset, I am so glad that you were able to calm down because mommy cannot help you when you are like this. But I love you and I'm glad you're feeling better." then hug and kiss him. And definitely make sure you give him tons of hugs/kisses and positive reinforcement throughout the day when he is behaving positively (i.e. "yae, we got to read a book together [smooch smooch], "what a smart boy, you knew where the ball was! [smooch smooch]).

It's a tough time that we are going to have to get through, but just remember that the light at the end of the tunnel will come and if we can maximize the psychological benefits of it then we'll all be the better for it in the long run. The underlying reason for all this, by the way, is that they are moving towards independence. That 'move' is scary for them b/c at the same time they recognize their dependence. The ambivalence is SO strong that it's frustrating and overwhelming for them. As much as possible, they need to feel respected. Yet obviously, we have to keep them safe and not teach them that they can have their way whenever they want. The doctor should especially know this and should've (don't know if he did) started by checking a doll's ears, then yours, then explaining what he was going to do and asking if it was okay. Even IF your son would've still freaked, at the core of it there wouldn't be as much of an insult to his sense of himself and his body.

Anyway, hope this helps and know that you are not alone.

-N.

Hi Bell
Sounds like you have a son who is frustrated and probably strong willed, wants his own way. That is a personality trait so in my opinion you have to work with it not against it. MD's sometimes suggest ignoring it, saying they won't hurt themselves. I was in the MD office once when a mom brought in a little fella, with a serious gash in his head that he got in a temper tantrum. She kept saying "you said he wouldn't hurt himself", poor little fella ended up with a head injury as he banged his head on the fireplace.
First I want to say why did they have to hold Aydin down at the MD's office? There are other ways. You can hold him on your lap and lean him against you so don't let the MD convince you of that again. Convince the MD you can hold him. Perhaps he needed an explanation, so he could be still by himself. For instance, stay here by mom, and hold your head still because that machine will hurt(ouchy) your ear if you move. I found once mine were upset it was too late to make them not be upset, so it was worth the few seconds it took to explain. Since I wouldn't want MD to call in the troops to hold me down, I don't expect to have them do that to my children. In fact it was reason for me to go to another MD once.
Next, and this is sage old advice that came to me from my mom, who learned it from hers. Just like you can tell what cry they are crying you can recognize what will happen next, and avoid it. It takes practice but it works.
At least it worked with mine, and me otherwise mom would not have told me, right? It also must be a phase because it is generational. OK so think ahead and avoid a problem.
In the example you cited:
You said when you pick him up, he stops and returns to normal. OK my mom would say pick him up first before you take things away, or say no.
You never want your children to get so frustrated that they throw a fit. That isn't to say they don't but according to mom, you prevent all you can. I agree 100%. Most fits become predictable, so do something first.
The example I cited to my mom was, he always throws a fit before supper. She said so he's hungry at the smell of the food, doesn't wait well, feed him. I did, and no more fits.
Sounds to me yours are about communication. Perhaps he just needs the reassurance of your touch with the denial. Perhaps he doesn't have enough words to say "hey mom I am really disappointed I can't have that candy cane" My advice is for you to give him the words. Something like with him in your arms say "I know you want the candy cane, you are disappointed you can't have it but momma says no candy cane" in your sweet voice.
Hope some of this makes sense and can work for you and Aydin.
God bless you and give him peace.
K. SAHM married 38 years --- adult children 37 coach, 32 lawyer married with son 4 mos old, twins 18 and in college after homeschooling. One for art and one for journalism. Yup I am old enough to be your mom, so if possible talk to your mom, you might be surprised at the things she tells.

What he's doing is called throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get his way. I used to move my daughter to a safe place where she couldn't hurt herself or anything else, tell her to let me know when she was done and let her scream! If you give in to temper tantrums, they get worse not better. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Read a magazine, make a sandwich but what ever your do, DONT give in.

Hello there,

Oh boy! I understand your frustration. I think he is displaying age appropriate behavior. He is testing his limits. He knows that if he screams long & loud enough that you will pick him up. My kids started the same behavior around that age, maybe a bit younger. I make them stand up & I let them know that throwing a tantrum is unacceptable behavior. I have them look me in the eye as I tell them this. If they don't respond I put them in a chair and let them know that they are not to get up until they relax. It takes time before they grasp it but your son will. This will save you from screaming or getting frustrated. He will come around. It won't always work but most of the time I find it does. I hope this helps!

My guess is there may be a few things going on:
1) Because of the cold, he's probably more tired and irritable from not sleeping well. 2) transitions are very tough for toddlers and they need time to adjust and to know what to expect. 3) At his age they can't control themselves when they get so confused, angry, scared--similar to some adults!

It all sounds pretty normal. Unless there's a safety issue, try making sure you distract him by giving him something else to play with before taking the first object away. If he does melt down, remember to hold and comfort him until he is calm. You might also consider whether he's hungry or not--which nearly always is a factor in my son's meltdowns. Fluctuating blood sugars can wreak havoc on a little guy!

As you help him make things more predictable, and he learns more [positive] communication skills, things will likely improve. Good luck, and have patience!

P.s. I just read the other responses and wanted to add something. There seems to be two 'camps' of responses: those who suggest holding him and those who advocate ignoring. So what to do? Every child and parent are different, so you'll need to think about your own parenting style and your son's temperment when he's not acting out. I personally agreed with and related most closely to Karen H.'S response based on my own experiences (my son is now 6), but you may want to try both approaches to see what works best for your parent/child dynamic. Best wishes :)
Chris

B.,

I believe you are a victim of the 'illegal toy trade'. Find something of equal interest and substitute it for the offending item, and you should have reduced results of these fits.

That being said, carefully keep a neutral expression when the tantrums do occur. Don't respond to them (no sudden inhale, no widening eyes, etc).

Give him love and hugs in between the issues, for no apparent reason. He is seeking attention by giving you negative reasons, and when you don't respond to the negative, he will (in theory) go back to the positive.

Good luck, and remember, this is only an opinion. I am not a Doctor.

M.

I think that your son is normal; many children of this age have "temper tantrums." Just remain calm and tell him why he can't have whatever it is that he wants. Sometimes children just can't accept that they can't have what they want at a particular time.

Hang in there!!

i think

Hi - Sounds normal to me. My son started tantrums at 12 months. I went away on a business trip while he was home with his father when he started this. Then when I had our second child when he was 17 months it got worse. He would even throw a tantrum when we walked into the grocery store. I spoke to my pediatrician and he said they can't quite communicate yet and do not know how to express their feelings. He suggested I shop at night without him (no way I would let my child trap me in the house) or stop the shopping cart and refuse to move until he stopped carrying on. That seemed to work for me. He prefered to move rather than sit still. My son is also very stong willed which I thinks exacerbates the situation. No one tells you the terrible twos start early! Good Luck.

The half birthdays are usually the most tantrum filled times. I just read an article about this actually when I was shocked to see my normally sweet little angel start throwing tantrums at her half birthday mark. I wish I knew what to tell you, but I am not very good at discipline, I don't give in to her demands(especially when it's for something she should not have) but I do hold her and cuddle her until she is happy again.

Hi, I read some of the responses but not all, so I may be repeating. My daughter, who is 15 months old, does the exact same thing when she doesn't get her way. If I let her have what she wants or I pick her up the tears dry up and she is all smiles. I discussed this with my therapist because I have a concern that she might really get injured by throwing herself down to the floor, some of my floors are brick. I also had started putting her in her crib for 1 to 1 1/2 minutes while I leave the room, when I would come back to get her she would be happy to see me and behave, but I didn't want her to associate her bed or her room with punishment. My doctor and I came up with setting up her port-a-crib in a room near where we usually are so that when she does this I can immediately pick her up and put her in there and leave the room. This keeps her from hurting herself and is our form of timeout since she is too young to sit in a chair and stay there. So far it is working really great, she is having less tantrums and being more accepting when I tell her she can't do something. Good luck!

This behavior is typical for his age. When my kids did that I used to walk away and tell them that I would not talk to him/her until he/she stops the behavior. It takes a week or two but it does work. Your son knows that when he does this you will give him attention and yes sometimes you might give in. As long as you react to his behavior it will continue and trust me walking away is hard to do. One of my son's would do that and then hold his breath until he passed out if he didn't get what he wanted. He had health issues and we were constantly at the pediatricians office, plus her daughter went to the nursery school that was across the street from us. One day he was having one of his fits and I ran across the street and made her come see him in action, you bet he passed out in front of her and then he did it again right away, we walked into the kitchen ignoring him (well I cried in her arms too) and after a few times of him being ignored he stopped that behavior and now come May he will be graduating with his bachelors degree in Business Management from one of the top business universities in the country; we are so proud of him. Try doing the same and I think he will stop his negative behavior.
Hugs,
T.

Dear Bell,

What your son is doing is normal behavior for his age. I would childproof you home as much as you can so you can allow him to explore and play without constantly having to tell him no. Also when he has something he shouldn't try to replace it with something he can play with and that should be a nice distraction for him. My son was king of temper tantrums he would do the same just throw himself on the floor and bang his head. The doctor would tell me to ignore it and when it hurts enough he will stop. I did ignore what I could and it did help. I also as he got older would prepare him for things so he was aware of what he could do and couldn't do to try to avoid outbreaks. Until he gets older and you can reason with him more I would just try to make your home as safe as you can for him to play.

I would say that your son is probably not feeling 100% yet and thats why he's so cranky. Sometimes I know I underestimate the impact sickness has on my son's personality - he's 21 months old and was sick for several weeks - I really was getting nervous - but he's all better and his personality is back. Also - my son started around 18 months old with the temper tantrums when he didn't get his way. Terrible two's started at that time. Is your son teething? That was going on with my son too - I'm learning theres SO MANY reasons for acting out and that helps in understanding and controlling them. Its easy to just think there is something wrong or your child is just not behaving, but theres most likely and underlying cause such as sickness, teething, tired, unable to communicate. I find its ALL OF THE ABOVE at times. I wanted to add on about the holding vs ignoring...i think it depends on the situation and WHY your son is acting out...sometimes I think they need to be held, sometimes I think they need to be put in a safe place and ignored...its not always a simple this way or that way circumstance in my house, so it may not be for you either...if my son is sick or tired and throws a tantrum, I'm not going to just ignore him, if he's ok and he throws one and doesn't know when enough is enough, then yes, he goes to a safe place and gets ignored. Its not an easy thing to determine especially when everyone has so many ways you should or shouldn't do it - I get caught up with listening to that sometimes (like when I was just at my moms house with my mom and aunt telling me how to handle my son's temper tantrum from being over tired) They wanted me to put him in time out and ignore and keep doing it over and over - I tried, it didn't work...I picked him up to leave and he fell asleep immediately - we went home, he took a nice nap while daddy was there and I went back out - thankfully we were close to home - but my point is - follow your heart on how to handle the tantrums - I am trying to learn to just listen to my instinct about what to do-how to handle too.

Check out The Happiest Toddler on the Block (can't remember the author) and The Toddler Book by Dr. Sears.

Whatever you decide, make sure it's clear to him that you won't give in to his tantrums. Don't reward his bad behavior by giving him what he wants. I put my tantrum thrower in a pack and play (with a blanket or stuffed animal - so he can't hurt himself) and then ignore him until he has calmed down.

Sounds like he is throwing an old fashioned tantrum. He will continue to do it if you don't put a stop to it. And the best way to stop it is to completely ignore it! The next time he throws himself on the floor kicking and screaming leave the room. He may follow you and do it again in the next room. Leave the room again. Do not say anything to him when you do. Just leave. Sooner or later he will figure out that it's not working and stop. BTW if he is in the way so you can't get out of the room, just step over him! That really gets their attention. And don't worry about him hurting himself. I have been taking care of kids for many, many years and seen many tantrums and never once has a child seriously hurt themselves no matter what kind of floor they threw them self on or what ever else was near them. And if they did get a little bump it only makes them more careful the next time. I have actually seen children look around for the best place to throw them self on before doing it!

Hi Bell, Your son is starting his terrible two's. You need to be consistant about what he can and can't do. You can try distracting him to do the good things. He will hear "NO" a lot so you can find things you can say Yes to. You also can let him know you will not respond to the tantrums. It is not an easy time but you will get through it....we all did. My best for the New Year. Grandma Mary

Hello. It sounds like Aydin has started the "Terrible Two's" phase. Since children this young do not have a lot of expressive language, they express their feelings through temper tantrums. The only way he will learn is for you to be firm with him. However, it may help if you include a "YES" along with the "NO"... rather than just telling him what he CAN'T have or do, offer him what he CAN.

"No, Ayden, you cannot have a candy cane right now. Let's play with your ball instead." If he tantrums, ignore him. (it's important for him to learn now that tantrums will not give him his way. If you give in...EVEN ONCE...he will continue to tantrum more and louder, thinking that eventually you will get tired and give in to him.) If you're worried about him hurting himself, it is OK to pick him up and move him to a safe place (his bed or bedroom) and let him know when he is finished tantrumming, he can come out and play.) When the tantrum is over, then offer the "YES." "Is Ayden ready to play ball now?"

Use a code word like "HOT" or "DANGER" for dangerous things. "Ow! Hot! Don't touch...That will hurt Ayden." And offer him something he CAN play with. (It helps to be sure your house is child proofed with outlet covers, cabinet locks, etc.)

Good luck...this too, shall pass. But best to let him learn now, than wait until he is bigger than you!

It is definitely a phase. My son did this for a while - he is now 25 months and it is pretty rare now. I recommend completely ignoring him when he does this. Once my son realized he was not getting what he wanted back and that I was not going to pay any attention to his tantrums he stopped. I would just completely ignore it and let him through his tantrum by himself he will quickly learn that this behavior does not work. Good luck!