Can U Help Someone Get over Something?

No, you can't help someone who has chosen to be bitter over something for THIRTY years. She wants to be miserable. If it were me, and I wanted to continue a relationship with this person, I would probably start being fairly blunt, and refuse to listen to her complain. When she started complaining, I would tell her that I wanted to talk about something else.

Nnnnnnnooooooo you can't.
My mom has a friend who went through a divorce in her late 30s.
She NEVER got over it. Talks about the betrayal like it happened yesterday.
Now in her late 70s--she's suspicious, bitter and unhappy.
Thing is--some people just CAN'T move on.
Or won't.
There ARE people who like "miserable" more than "happy."
They tend to congregate together.
Don't let her bring you down
Do draw boundaries.
Do encourage her to seek (more) help.

Seems to me she wants to keep on doing what she's already doing.
People are creatures of habit.
She doesn't want to change and is unlikely to change.
Some people really are not happy unless they are unhappy.
They LIKE complaining about the ruts they are in.
Your only choice is to accept her as she is or move on.

J.

You can't change someone, they have to WANT to change.

She is STILL getting attention for this behavior so she will continue. When she starts harping and getting on her pity party? Change the subject. Simple as that - change the subject.

IF she's NOT happy in her current relationship? She has to WANT to end it. Tell her that only SHE is responsible for her happiness and if she's NOT happy - she needs to find out WHAT DOES make her happy. Being responsible for someone else's happiness?? LOTS of stress...being responsible for oneself?? go for it...

Recommend a therapist for her. Take her to one...or finally say "enough. I'm really tired of hearing about things that happened 30 years ago. You can't change the past. You can only learn from it." As long as you allow her to control conversations with her pity party?? She will continue to get on that pity party.

Good luck!!

She has been this way for at least 30 years. She has chose this way of thinking and acting. No one can help her unless she wants to change. Why wold she want to change after being this way for 30 years? It takes years of therapy to change when the change doesn't change who they are. This is who she is.

What is important is for you to set boundaries so that you are comfortable with her. Take care of yourself. You can make yourself happy. You are not responsible for her happiness.

I don't know why you continue in this relationship or how involved you are in her life. I suggest you read about codependency to see if that fits for you and/or her.

This sounds like my mom. She has always been bitter about her divorce from my dad 35 years ago...and still cannot stand him or to be around him. She was extremely unhappy for the 20 years she was in a relationship with her boyfriend and complained all the time. What changed is that he died last year. It was a shock. She used to angrily complain about how much she hated him and would even say things like, I can't wait for him to die. (She does not remember saying this now). Now, she waxes poetic about how wonderful he was and how much she misses him. She remembers all the good times they had together before he got sick and all the ways in which he was sweet and generous to her. It's really sad to me she could not remember this side of him when he was alive. Maybe she would have treated him more kindly. Anyway - how to get people to change? I have no earthly idea. People get stuck in their ways. Al anon helps people. Religion helps people. Therapy helps people. But you probably cannot really help this person...they have to help themselves and they have to want to change.

Just don't.

I know it's hard to see someone who is stuck, but that's her thing. She's always going to be this way. 30 years? It's her personality.

When she complains, just look sad and nod. Don't advise. And then change the subject or get up and pour another cup of coffee. Talk about planning for some future event and stay away from talking about the past. She's not going to change her way of being after this many years, all you can do is adjust your way of reacting to her.

Its easier to believe its someone else's fault that something happened instead of seeing that you need to change something to move on. Unfortunately you can't make someone change nor can you make them see something through a lens that will change their focus. I don't think its a personality disorder. I think more likely she's just stuck and doesn't want to change because change is frightening.

People hang on to issues when they are unresolved. Some people spend years and years focusing on other people, instead of them self. We make choices. Some good, some bad. ALL having an outcome. There are people who spend a lifetime focusing on being the victim.

Can you help those people? I'm gonna say no. Life is not a series of events that HAPPEN to you. If she is one of those people that is consistently unhappy, she will continue to be until SHE makes the choice to take responsibility for her role in her life.

Diane D. is right -- making a change would frighten her and she knows it. Being stuck is the reality she knows best and the reality in which she is most comfortable -- yep, comfortable, because she probably defines herself by her issues. She sees herself now as the woman who is in a relationship that is not working, but the idea of either letting it go or changing it is probably terrifying to her. It's a pity that therapy for so long has not helped her make changes. Bur if therapy can't do it, neither can you.

So what do you do, as the friend or relative? Well, if you like spending time with her -- if there is a personality there that you enjoy most of the time, or if you and she share some interests that take her out of her own head and make her fun to be with at least at times -- you focus just on that. You maintain a relationship by doing shared things that interest you both.

But you do not have long sit-down chin-wags where you dig over and over her past, her marriage, her divorce, her current relationship, her being stuck. Do not let her drive every conversation toward her own issues and past (if that's what's going on).

If she uses you as a sounding board but the things she is saying have been the same for years, it's past time to distract and deflect. When she starts to say for the millionth time, "This is the latest thing that Significant Other did that makes me unhappy," you need to listen only briefly before you change the topic. If she notices, you need to be able to say, "I do want to be here for you, as the saying goes, but I also want you to be able to think about other things and leave that behind." Bring up the shared interest. Go on outings rather than sitting around chewing the fat you and she have chewed for so long. Watch a TV show together that you both love, and talk about it. Go to a concert or play or other event and talk about that. If she drags her past into it every single time, steer her away.

But if it all becomes a huge effort, then tell her: "I know you're not happy with Significant Other but I don't see things changing. I really like spending time with you doing X and Y, and I really don't like feeling Significant Other and Lousy Ex are always hovering over our conversations. I want our time time to be about our friendship. So let's go get a drink (or whatever) and you can tel me about (another topic free of her ex or her SO)."

Based on your description, I'd say no. People hold on to things because the drama/trauma gives them some sort of payoff - even negative things can be strangely comforting, a lot like people staying in bad relationships. If she didn't resolve this 30 years ago, then got married 20 years ago but isn't happy, she's somehow really stuck or really wants to be stuck. She may enjoy the attention from talking about this with you and whomever else she shares with. But if therapy (assuming it's good) and medications (assuming they are appropriate and she takes them) can't help throughout her entire adult life, then what can someone else do? All you can do is protect yourself, and maybe that means not engaging in discussions and not being a sounding board. Sometimes people don't want to get well. Sometimes they are mentally ill and just can't. I have a cousin who is in his 50s, and he has OCD and a personality disorder. He's a miserable person to be around. I know that a nice guy is in there somewhere, but the illness is so severe that, despite tons of therapy and living in a mental health facility and taking medications, he's just unhappy and determined to bring others down because he doesn't know any other way to be. If you want to know more about the issues, and if this person gives you permission to attend therapy sessions with her and gives the therapist permission to share details, you may learn more. Otherwise, I honestly wouldn't try. If the professionals can't help and this person is determined to be ill after 30 years (or so sick that no treatments work), there's nothing magical you can say or do.

You probably can't help her, because she has to want to change and/or make better choices. Generally, a person that hangs on to something this long will never change. The only thing you can do is decide what you're willing to listen to. For example,

"You've been talking about XYZ for ages now. I'm sorry that you still feel like you need to vent, but we have to take the topic off the table because I can't handle listening about it anymore, knowing nothing will ever change."

The best case scenario is that putting and end to the gripe-fest will shock her into realizing that change is up to her, and she will finally do something.

However, keep in mind that it is possible that your primary function in her life is to be a recipient for her venting. If this is so, she won't have further use for you and the friendship will end.